unbonded 1

so like everyone was moving ahead with their lives and shinji, like always, was emotionally stuck. there were so many things he had wanted to do and say and couldn’t and everyone else eventually moved on. feeling defeated in a lot of ways, shinji tried to move on too. he went away for college; relocated to a new city where he didn’t know anyone. he was doing well in his studies and trying to be social, but it just felt empty. these weren’t the people he wished he could have cultivated true bonds with.

he eventually meets an upperclassman — an alpha graduate student who takes an interest in him. shinji is academically very intelligent, but when it comes to matters of the heart he’s naive. he’s starry eyed over this person giving him positive attention and saying all of the things he wants to hear — not just as an omega, but as a person who has yet to experience mutual love. he’s easily won over and finds himself eagerly doing whatever he can to earn praise. inwardly he’s scolding himself for being so pliable, but he’s being completely overrun by his desire to feel loved and important. he can’t stop himself.

as an alpha, his partner is very stereotypical in that he visibly enjoys watching shinji submit, especially knowing that he has a fiery personality bottled inside of him. even after a careless mistake during a rut has shinji carrying a litter, he comforts him in a very casual, non-chalant manner. he moved shinji into his flat and from there on they played a very tense game of house. his partner did what he wished as he wanted and simply put on the pressure of alpha command whenever shinji seemed tired or unenthusiastic. the concept of ownership over shinji seemed to excite him, but he wouldn’t bond shinji.

“it’s not the right time. i want it to be special.”

shinji believed him. a voice in the back of his mind was skeptical, but shinji really wanted to believe that his handsome, intelligent man from a rich family had chosen him and that they would raise a family together. this was how his story was supposed to go.

his partner ordered him to withdraw from college, saying that raising children was the only thing he would be doing, so an education was unnecessary. it broke shinji’s heart, but he didn’t want his dedication to the partnership to falter. he quit and began to take care of their home while his partner worked on his research. shinji handled the stress and wear on his body the best he could while trying to maintain the aura of the perfect omega. even when his partner had late nights and returned home with slurred speech. even after he took unusually long showers and came to bed with a hint of odd scents that he couldn’t quite scrub away. shinji pretended not to notice in favor of affection.

his partner called him cute, but never pretty. shinji carrying his children seemed more like a novelty to him than anything and he commented on it and the changes shinji experienced with a distant and casual smug amusement. it was easy enough to expect that he enjoyed seeing an omega used and conquered by him. he never really talked about his children as people — they were more like trophies. shinji got more anxious as time went on and this behavior continued. he continued to get his forehead kisses and headpats and it was quite far into carrying this litter that shinji realized he was a pet. this person wasn’t taking him seriously at all. still, an alpha who wasn’t bonded to him still posed a threat, even if they were his children. shinji said nothing, wordless behind clenched teeth. when he tried to withdraw he’d be scolded. shinji was full of regret. if they had been bonded, his partner would have been able to feel it. maybe he didn’t want that inconvenience.

he called a car service to take shinji to the hospital to have his children, taking the weekend to leave town on what he claimed was a research summit. shinji pretended to believe him. he returned home with their children to an empty house. hours later, he was greeted with that same toothy, fake grin and a kiss on the forehead. shinji felt ill.

after a few days of crying babies and constant feedings and exhaustion, shinji’s partner had been leaving the flat, saying it was too loud to get any work done. shinji, running ragged, hardly had time to acknowledge it as he was completely devoted to his children.

about three weeks after they were born, shinji’s partner approaches him and hands him a check. he explains that he’s realized having children at this time in his life is a hindrance on his career, so it was best that he break things off with shinji. they had never bonded, so there were no difficult chemical issues to contend with. his partner arranged to have him moved from the flat to a small apartment and it was the last time he ever saw him. shinji, with an incomplete education, no family and no friends nearby was completely alone with three young children. his ex came from a family more rich than the matou could ever be and the money lasted a while with careful budgeting, but after two years or so he was at the last of it. beyond  that he had no idea what he would do.

purely by coincidence he receives a letter naming him the sole proprietor of his family estate. he returns to his hometown to collect assets and try to sell the compound, but during there first night there he becomes easily overwhelmed. he had thought to call someone before he came back to town, but hesitated. people used to think shinji was intelligent and capable, so to return home with children but no mate made him acknowledge how foolish he’d really been to let himself be taken advantage of by the first alpha who showed him affection.

and more important than that, his children deserved better. there was no reason they they ought to be stigmatized by shinji’s mistakes. despite feeling like a failure in so many ways, he’s determined to do right by them. they’ve always known affection and praise; they’ve never known anger. all of the things shinji had been determined to get for himself are the things he gives to his children. it’s incredibly rewarding to him and often he thinks that if he can just be a good mother to them that it would be enough to make up for everything else. it unlocked a gentleness and warmth in him that he didn’t know he had.

so, in a panic, he calls shirou. the house is already so full of horrible memories and aside from his sleeping children all he can think about is how much he would like to see the comfort of his old friend’s smiling face. he almost gasps when shirou picks up, struggling to find his voice as he asks if he’s in fuyuki. the fact that he is makes his heart hammer in his chest. he wants to see shirou so badly even if he doesn’t want shirou to see him Like This. struggling. it’s a concession he makes, though, because there are more important things than his own ego.

i like to think that when shinji opens the door that they immediately lock eyes. the changes in one another are clearly visible and screaming for an explanation, but the distress signals filling the space around them say it isn’t the right time. it’s safe to assume, however, that shinji isn’t the same shinji and shirou is most definitely not the same shirou.

he doesn’t know archer, but he will.

shinji is trying to contain his nerves when he lets archer inside and the feeling of such a tall and broad alpha in front of him makes him struggle not to put his head down submissively. old habits die hard. as shinji steps quietly for the kitchen he turns to meet archer’s look of confusion as he’s already stopped walking forward.

ah.
the scent of other people are present.

with an audible exhale, shinji gestures archer to continue to follow him to see a nest of blankets and small bodies nestled against each other, sleeping soundly.

it makes sense right away why shinji sounded so worried and he’s giving off so much stress. his neck is plainly visible; there’s no bond mark to be seen. it instantly stirs up a lot of emotions that might not be easily held back. there’s a lot to unpack here, but archer’s first concern is to get shinji seated and comfortable to chase away the distress signals filling the room.