#pastebinmonday 11/18/2019

uhhhhhh today marks the one year anniversary of when i officially lost my marbles???

idfk anymore dude. i guess what was obvious to my best friend and obvious to plenty of people i know online wasn't all that obvious to me. or maybe it was, and i was just ignoring the truth.

as stupid as i feel for having gone this long (like a year and a half) for identifying as a trans female, the experience really has taught me a lot. in an attempt to run away from all of my personal problems, separate myself from an identity which i resented, and validate myself i tried on a new name, molly, and the way i came up with it was one of the cringiest things ever. i still feel as though i had to go through this in order to solidify a few different things about my true identity and who i really am, but i sincerely regret throwing so many people for a loop and on top of that being such a shithead about it sometimes.

i blamed someone for something trivial that, if i had had more life experience and hindsight at the time, wouldn't have been nearly as big of a deal at all in my head. and when tragedy befell that person, i called it karma and walked away happy.

i continued to stir the pot, and antagonized many people i never ever wanted to antagonize.

i made a (fun but pretty ridiculous) two hour video about how i'd discovered the "true meaning" behind my favorite game and how much it tied into my personal life and tried to push it on people it had nothing to do with. i pissed a lot of people off.

i glorified my own weird art. i let myself believe a lot of strange bullshit. to reiterate, i lost my marbles.

i "attempted" a 10-year sabbatical from the internet and failed it almost immediately.

i pretty much made it solid in a lot of people's heads that i'm *actually* insane and probably a lost cause too.

september, october, and november of this year have transformed me in ways that i find it difficult to explain. but the main point is that i feel refreshed, and more or less "normal" again. a bit more confident in my expression than in the past, but other than that i've learned to embrace what masculinity i have again instead of resenting it. i reconnected with family i'd been forcing myself to avoid. i've been in psychotherapy for almost a year, and i'm finally medicated in a way i know is working. i've gone back to the name that my mom gave me and i wear it with pride. likewise, i'm going by uko again online and it feels like such a relief.

i miss so many people and honestly i've never been smacked this hard in the face by karma at any point in my life. i deserve every ounce of what i've gotten and i acknowledge and accept that.

i didn't think i'd ever be doing the "document" thing again but i really feel compelled to today. i just wanted to broadcast somehow or another to anyone that cares how i've been feeling about things. doing it publicly also helps me feel like i'm proving to myself that i really want to make changes and improve myself, because that's all i can do to come back from it.

thanks for reading. much love, ryan