Covert narcissism.

It's an informal term meant for a certain type of narcissist who's, well, covert. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

They're practically impossible to spot unless you've read up on them.

They appear to be likable, friendly, charming, etc. etc. but in reality they're anything but. Basically, due to abuse they endured as a child, they created a false persona where they can manipulate others and avoid potential abuse. Eventually, they continue building on this mask because it works for them. They end up completely abandoning their "real self," which only emotionally matured up to the age of 5 or so, and their mask/false persona (aka innocent do-gooder angel) is the only thing that exists, really.

Unlike overt narcissists, like, say, Donald Trump, who are outwardly unpleasant, covert narcissists are aware that such behavior causes backlash, so they hide it. And basically only leave it for people who are romantically involved in some way.

And the people who are romantically involved with them experience trauma that can only be understood by people who endure it. Basically they'll start off by lovebombing, or making you feel super special, like you're the luckiest person in the universe. You'll definitely have "this is too good to be true" come up in your mind.

They'll "love" you (be infatuated with you, because that's all they're capable of), until you start questioning their behavior.

This is when, little by little, the mask begins to slip.

They'll gaslight. They'll avoid answering the question, they'll project, they'll deflect it, they'll say things like "I don't remember that," or "you misinterpreted that," or "it was just a joke," basically anything to avoid responsibility for their actions. It's truly infuriating. When they do this to their victim, it'll be mix of this crazy-making, and the lovebombing. So that way the victim is confused and totally obsessed with the covert narcissist and the situation. Meanwhile the covert narcissist will do his/her best to make you feel isolated by cleverly making you out to be a crazy person to others. And because they do everything with plausible deniability in mind, they'll do it so that, if you were to tell any mutuals about what happened between you two, the likelihood of people believing you is very low.


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SOME GREAT, INFORMATIVE QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF COVERT NARCISSISM FROM THE 'NET:

1. "They find your buttons, and they press them when they feel like it"

2. "They learn passive aggressive techniques at an early age, and become masters at manipulating others.

They become emotionally stunted at the age of their trauma, unable to experience more mature emotions, such as gratitude, remorse, empathy, or disinterested love. Shame is absolute anathema, a horror which must be propelled away as far as possible by projection or gaslighting as aggressively and urgently as possible. This explains their inability to apologize, or not be right in regards to their opinions or perceived needs.


They don't have the ability to perceive others as detached from themselves having separate needs, feelings and desires, and thus they don't care, and cannot care, about others in a mature, disinterested, unselfish way. Victims often confuse themselves thinking that if only the person with the personality disorder could be properly cared for or loved they could improve, but the problem is the reality of people with personality disorders is fundamentally different, and cannot be altered by being loved.

In regards to handling conflicts that have to be resolved, this isn’t something narcissists do. They create conflicts, but don’t resolve them. Maintaining things in a state of chaos is a prime abuse tactic. This is a way of maintaining control and ruining the lives of their victims by keeping them in a state of unrest. Covert narcissists especially love these sort of passive aggressive tactics as it has plausible deniability built into it.

Narcissists will hold fast to their position and won’t budge for anything. Once they’ve said something, from their point of view, that settles the issue, and there’s nothing else to discuss.
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It is critical for the Narcopath that society (everyone but their victims) sees, and keep them in high regard. They generally present as wonderful people: the kind of girl/guy you’d want to introduce to your best friend, someone you can’t wait to introduce to your parents; father of the year; the kind of person you’d call if you needed anything. The reason they need to keep this image is two-fold:

1. It strokes their ego. They are the world’s greatest guy, not because they care about their wife, children or others, it’s because they like being told they are the world’s greatest guy–they love having their ego stroked.

2. This image enables them to keep up their con. When their mask slips, and their true lying, cheating, stealing self is revealed to the victim, and the victim (finally) leaves–or is devalued and discarded (often times very publicly, and at light-speed replaced by someone new), everyone around the Narcopath buys into the Narcopath’s version of events–after all, he’s Mr.Wonderful. A smear campaign is then launched by the Narcopath portraying the victim as generally some form of bipolar, crazy, an alcoholic/addict, jealous, a bad parent, etc. This smear campaign turns many people–especially those close to the Narcissist, into “flying monkeys”.

Because the Narcopath has gone to such great length over the years to cultivate their stellar public image, everyone around them believes them, and the victim is often embarrassed and stunned into silence, as no one believes their version of events–oftentimes not even the victim (due to gas-lighting and years of manipulation and grooming). The victim has a hard time even telling a therapist or their closest friends everything that went on, as they feel they won’t be believed, as (hindsight being what it is) their relationship seems too dramatic, crazy or ridiculous to be believed (Lifetime TV Movie type behaviors). This character attack on the victim allows the Narcopath to convince his next victim (and the rest of society) that he was not the problem–the previous victim was.

After all, what the Narcopath and the new victim have is special, unique, different. They are soul mates, and their chemistry and connection can’t be denied. Everyone will agree that the Narcopath is Mr.Wonderful and it’s too bad he got tangled up with such a crazy/jealous/bipolar/addict/bitch–but thank God she is gone–she was the problem, and he is so wonderful he really deserves a good woman. After all, they can all tell how much he loves and adores you, as apparently you are special, unique and different–his soul mate…(Which is everything he told to victim #1, and everything he will continue to feed his victim until he decides she is a crazy/bipolar/addict/alcoholic/jealous/bitch, and the next victim comes along.)"


3. "[A covert narc's] aggression is usually kept well-hidden and only rarely slips out, or is expressed in the form of passive-aggression. When it comes to managing other people’s impression of them, narcissists will do almost whatever it takes to uphold their good public image so they can have ample sources of narcissistic supply, including playing the victim card and throwing you under the bus in the process, if that’s what it takes to save face.

They are dangerous because not one single person believes their victim. No one else gets to see the coverts narcs true self, hence the covert or hidden part of the narcissism. To be the narcs victim or victims, especially if you are the partner and children, is to be abused behind closed doors in such a manner that even the victims find it almost uncomprehending. Victims dont expect anyone who hasn't seen this to understand let alone believe them, but they try and end up sounding like they are crazy! Basically covert narcs victims are alone. Totally alone in this. Even therapists often dont understand. Most just say leave, but victims know its just not that simple. Revenge and retribution are top of the coverts list when they dont get it exactly the way they want and that can be anything you could imagine from A to Z. A covert narcs abuse can range from evil mind games , cruelty, right down to vicious physical attacks that they will calmly deny every single thing right to your face. Until you have been abused, brainwashed and denigrated by a covert narc you cannot comprehend any of it."

4. "All narcissists are dangerous, but what adds to the danger of covert narcissists is that they’re even harder to recognize than more in your face narcissists.

What makes narcissism difficult to recognize or understand is that the reality of the narcissist is so different. The reality of the narcissist is total self absorption, to the point of solipsism, to where others exist in the mind of the narcissist only for their pleasure.

We often run scripts in our head, what if scenarios we use to understand others and plan. We naturally assume others are like we are, and process logic as we do, perceive reality as we do, and more or less think along the lines we do. This allows for functional conversations.

None of these assumptions holds for the narcissist. They are all about having to prove to themselves that they are better than you, constantly justifying their behavior, and criticizing and blaming you.

Covert narcissists do these things passive aggressively. In all their actions they build in plausible deniability, so if you try to approach them about some inconsiderate thing they did, they’ll just say,”Oh no, you misunderstood me!” and spout some bs.

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Shame is abhorrent to a narcissist, so they have all sorts of psychological ploys to pass their shame on to you, and let you keep all of your own. In a normal, healthy relationship, both parties work to share the shame.

For example, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m tired. I shouldn’t have done that.” “I totally understand, I’m tired too.” This type of conversation never happens with a narcissist. Instead the response will be,”Boy, you must be really tired to yell like that. I can’t believe you’d treat me so disrespectfully,” or, if they’re the first person,”I’m sorry I hurt your feelings by yelling at you, but you should understand I’ll always put the children first” or “but you pushed me into it” or some excuse where you're to blame.

And every single conversation is like this. There is never a single time when anything is easy or cooperative or fun.

They just make you feel like crap, and completely frustrated that nothing ever goes the way you would like.

They refuse to give closure to anything.

The tricks they use make you think about them all the time to where it’s exhausting. You wish for some way to escape, but they make it difficult.

They have no empathy, and don’t care one whit about you, and constantly abuse you, while hiding their ugliness in a facade of sweetness and false concern.

These are some examples of how they’re dangerous. To reiterate one thing, shame is a very negative and destructive emotion. Their refusal to bear any shame, either yours or their own, is extremely psychologically destructive.