Close Encounters of the 9inth Kind

>Be 21
>Be college student
>Be forever alone
>Winter holiday starts today
>Have to go home to family
>Family is faggots
>Only good sibling not answering phone
>Sister is bringing doucheband
>See what I did there?
>I combined douchebag and husband
>That's why I have no friends
>Dad is an alcoholic
>Mom is ignorant
>I pack my bags anyway
>I call a taxi
>I sit in the back seat
>"Where you want go?"
>"Pittsburgh."
>Then he drives onto the highway
>There is a pine air freshener
>Hanging from the mirror
>Just like my brother has
>I stare at it for a while
>My vision gets blurry
>I hear my brother say, "kid."
>"Kid! We here!" The driver yells
>I realize I'm at my parents house
>I pay the driver
>He speeds off leaving a cloud of smoke
>Neighborhood kid comes to breathe in the smoke
>Too bad the only high you can get from this smoke
>Is cancer>I stand in front of the front door
>Get mentally ready for a shitty week
>I reach for the handle
>The door opens from the inside
>"Hey it's Jameroo!"
>That's my brother-in-law's nickname for me
>He hugs me
>I give a fake smile
>"My little baby is back from college!"
>Mom covering my face in kisses
>"Hey mom"
>"Dinner's almost ready, why don't you go get settled?
">I take my bags upstairs
>My room is the way I left it
>I drop my bags
>Fall back on my bed
>Which now feels like rocks
>I rip the blanket off
>Legos in my bed
>And pine fresheners too
>Weird
>Mom calls from downstairs
>"Honey, dinner is ready!"
>I take my seat at the table
>Next to my sister
>"Do you want to lead grace Chet?"
>lolnogod.jpg
>"Dear lord, we thank you for this food, Jameroo's safe trip, and Katy's vagina."
>Classic douchebag>"So Jameroo, any women in your life?"
>I almost choke on my spaghetti
>I forgot I have to answer every single college question
>"No, not really"
>"What... are you gay sonnie?"
>Dad's drunk
>"Hey I'm not gonna sit here and take this"
>I stand up
>"Calm down Jameroo, pop's only messing"
>I sit back down
>Spaghetti falls on my lap
>I get back up
>Go straight to my room
>I can hear Chet break into laughter through the hall
>I go into the bathroom for a shower
>Pine fresheners on the toilet
>These things are everywhere
>I get into the shower
>I clean off
>Then I stand there
>Solving the mysteries of the unvierse
>The answer is magnets
>I am god now
>I dry off and change into pajamas
>The house is quiet
>I go downstairs to the kitchen
>The kitchen is the only lighted room
>It smells like pine
>The phone rings
>I pick up
>"Hello"
>"...asd..giojafdklgjiejorimv..."
>It's my brother's voice
>"Bro is that you?"
>"in troub...they're com.. get ow..!"
>There's static I can't hear him clearly
>Single spaghetti noodle hanging out my pocket
>"Bro?"
>Line goes dead
>I hang up the phone
>I hear the back door open
>Spaghetti starts leaking out my pockets
>Oh no
>I'm clenching my butt cheeks to hold in the shit
>"Who's there?"
>I hear footsteps
>Spaghetti spraying everywhere
>Shit sputtering out my asshole
>Brother comes out of the shadow
>"James, what the fuck?"
>Meatball hits him in the face
>"Who is you bro what is you how?"
>It's too late
>Shit explodes propelling me forward at 60mph
>Brother holds onto me for dear life
>We crash through the house
>Brother leans me back
>Shit is now launching us upward
>Children frolic in the rain of spaghetti and shit below
>Brother choking from lack of oxygen
>"BROPINEFRESHTHATSTHEPOWEROFPINESOLBABYWAIFU"
>He dies as we breech the stratosphere
>His lifeless body falls back to Earth
>I pass Sputnik
>Wings sprout from shoulderblades
>My transfromation is now complete
>I glide through the cosmos followed by a stream of spaghetti and shit