Thread 8: Stories 31-45

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>Chrysalis
"Fluttershy"
'Discord'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>AHHHHHHHHH!

"Is she ever going to stop screaming?"

'Don't know, Fluttershy! Whatever could be making her so disturbed?

>AHHHHHHHHHH!

"You haven't bothered her in a while, so it can't be that."

'Perhaps it is simply my magnificent presence?'

>AHHHHHHH!

"Maybe... Hmmmm"

"Hmmmm"

>AHHHHHHH!

'Oh!'

"What?"

'Could it be the giant chocolate rabbit with the chainsaw made of robo-puppies we rode here in?'

>AHHHHHHHHHH

"...No, it's probably not that."

'Couldn't be, don't know why I even brought it up.'

>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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>Rarity
"Applejack"
'Sombra'
[42]
~~~~~
>GET ANOTHER HAT, DARLING!

"Make me!"

>IT BREAKS LORE! IT'S UNREALISTIC!

"Ah don' see you git all uppity 'bout tha griffon laborer cap Mac wears sometimes!"

>That's different! And he looks strapping!

'Dear me, I left to grab the snacks and I return to disaster. Either friendship has lost its magic or I have somehow traveled back in time to the Battle of Broken Skies.'

42 is just pounding her head into the desk

[They won't stop arguing over the lore correctness of Applejack's barbarian wearing an orc hat.]

'Truly, is that all?'

>SHE OFFENDS BOTH THE STORY AND FASHION!

"An' ya'll can' jus' play tha game!'

[I thought it would be obvious: Applejack's barbarian gained the orc's helm as a trophy.]

>...

"..."

Applejack and Rarity are suddenly back in their proper seats looking as pleasant as possible.

>So, shall we begin, darlings?

"Ah'm powerful hungry for some adventurin'! An' heads o' mah enemies!

[Ah, the female condition. Never does it change nor cease to amaze.]

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>Cadence
"18"
~~~~~~

>Hey, 18? Have you seen my-WHOA!

"KNOCK! WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK!?"

>...Are you practicing stripping?

"YES! We got schooled so hard, Caddy! We weren't even a blip there compared to Chrysalis and Celestia. We've got to up our ante! You're the princess of this stuff, how can you be so bad at it?"

>I'm the Princess of love, not lust. In fact, I'm not very lustful at all.

"...Yeah, okay-."

>No, not okay! Why does everyone assume I'm supposed to be some sort of sex fiend? I'm not! I'm all about EMOTIONAL love, not physical!

"..."

>Every freaking time I visited Shiny's parents they asked me if anything in my bag was a sex toy they should avoid, Blueblood wouldn't shut up about "joining in", and the guards kept asking if I wanted to "renovate' the dungeon! I'm the Princess of LOVE! LOVE! Like the love of just being there! Of enjoying each others company! NOT PRINCESS OF FUCKING! That's a tiny, TINY part of the grand picture, and a couple who tries every fetish in the book is no more inherently loving than an old couple who haven't had the blood flow to pull it off in YEARS! So stop thinking I'm in any way about making ponies do the horizontal mambo and STOP SENDING ME THE WHIPS, AUNTIE CELESTIA! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE THOSE AND DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!

"...You done?"

>...Wow, that felt good to get out! Thanks for listening, 18, you're a great friend.

"Good to hear..."

>No, you still can't sleep with Shiny.

"DAMN! Can I at least strip for him?"

>...Eehhhh, I'll consider that for his birthday in eight months.

"Progress!..."

>...Still want to keep practicing?

"Would you mind..."

>Watching? Sure, I'll give tips.

"Great! And a one and a two-SHIT!"

*CRASH!*

>...Needs work.

"Shut up."

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>Spike
"Royal/Night/Crystal Guards"
~~~~~
>So... 42 sent you guys my way too, huh?

"She said it's important to keep ahead of the technological curve."

>Right, well, anyway, right now the guns are loaded with blanks, if you do something really stupid-

BANG!

"The dark side of Luna's ass, IT BURNS!"

>You still learn a lesson. But you should be fine, someone get him some ice. ... Thank you. now then, some of the most important things we'll learn beyond marksmanship is gun safety. Always assume any and every firearm is loaded with live ammunition, the safety is off, and it's ready to fire.

"Even my Nerf Mega Magnus?"

>Yes, from now on, you treat even toys like real guns to build the habit. Now, once you pick up a gun, always point it in a safe direction. Usually, this is towards the ground and at an angle away from your feet. Unless you want to kill yourself and others, always keep your finger off the trigger and along the frame- Yes?

"Sir... Even with these guns designed for us, it's still impossible to hold these up without touching the trigger."

>... Uh oh.

BANG!

"My bad!"

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'77'
"???"

The train ride to Appleloosa had been quiet, which was understandable, rumors of robots striking here and there would be enough to make most civilians keep to their holes. 77 stepped off the train to find the Appleloosans had taken more...proactive steps than most.

The town seemed almost barren, houses were boarded up, the streets were unpopulated, and 77 could feel suspicious eyes regarding him with fear from where they hid. He tugged his hat down further and adjusted his poncho, no need to draw further attention.

"Howdy stranger."

The gruff voice alerted 77 to a figure in the shadows between two buildings, the changeling regarded it curiously.

'Howdy yourself.'

"Lookin' for someone?"

'You could say that.'

"Well..."

77's eyes went wide as the figure bounded out of the darkness, a slim stallion with a poofy mane and a manic grin. Gone was the gruff voice replaced by a more jovial tone.

"That makes two of us! Of course there were two of us before, it's great to see someone that appreciates the sombrero poncho look like I do, but now it's like we're even more alike than before! But I'm getting ahead of myself, hi, I'm Cheese, Cheese Sandwich, party pony extraordinaire!"

77 looked at him dumbfounded.

"...psst, it's your turn to talk."

77 shook his head and got ahold of himself.

'Ah, right, yes, I am...Dusty Trails, I'm here for...land speculation.'

"You pause a lot. Hey, you came here on the train, right?"

'Correct.'

"Was anyone else on it? I was sent here to throw a party for someone on a request but I can't find them, I was kind of hoping he was just out of town!"

'I was the only one, sorry.'

"Well that stinks, though his grandma said he traveled a lot, maybe he moved on. I can sympathize. Though if I could zoom around on a big apple cider machine, I wouldn't stay all that still either!"

Something pinged in 77's mind.

'A cider machine?'

"Yeah, lookit!"

Cheese produces a newspaper clipping from the 'Hoofington Gazette', the headline reads 'LOCAL CON STALLIONS INVENT APPLE CIDER MACHINE, DISAPPEAR INTO THE NIGHT!' A picture below depicts two smug looking unicorns beaming atop of a strange machine...a lightbulb goes off in 77's head.

'Where'd you get this?'

"Oh ha, funny story really, I was throwing a birthday bash in Hoofington when this old mare asks me to track down her grandson Flam and give him a party like the one I'd just had. She said she'd been getting letters from him with Appleloosa postage until recent, so I galloped out to give Mr. Flam the party of a lifetime!"

'I see...have you considered he may be hiding, Mr. Sandwich?'

"Huh, now that you mention it, no, I haven't!"

'Then perhaps I could help you find him.'

"Really!? That'd be great, Dusty!"

'Come on, we'll find where he's hiding.'

And so the two set off, a stranger pair Equestria may have never seen.

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>Spike
"Applejack"
~~~~~
Spike finishes recapping the dungeon crawl to Applejack who was laughing in hysterics

"So, did she succeed in seducin' that dragon?"

Spike groans.

>Yes... She rolled two twenties in a row and according to her 'they made the most beautiful love right on the dungeon floor!'

Spike mimics Rarity's voice in the latter part, making Applejack laugh harder

>So nice to see you're concern for my innocence.

"C'mon, sugarcube, after what Ah heard you let happen ta Shinin' Armor, this stuff's hilarious! An' 'sides, yer tha DM, remember? So in the end, ya know who's fault this is?"

>... Celestia's?

"Nope, yours, loverboy!"

>I'm still gonna blame Celestia.

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>Celestia
"Applejack"
~~~~~
"Hey, Princess, can Ah-"

>NNNNOOOOOOO... That answer your question?

"Ah'm gonna ask anyway."

>Figured you would but it was worthwhile trying something new.

"When the assassin came fer me... Why'd ya'll throw yerself in front o' me like that. It wouldn' have even killed, would it? Least for more than a month."

A Celestia makes herself blush and forces a stutter

>D-don't get the wrong idea ba-baka!

"What?"

Celestia drops the act blush and stutter

>Applejack, the rare times I get the sweet release of death, I only stay down because I am actively resisting returning to the land of the living. Even if my necklace had not caught that shot, i would have been stumbling around in a load of pain for a few hours but right as rain once my own blood devoured the slug and added it yo my body.

"Is that really all?"

>YES! That's all! You might have originally been an earth pony, a tough little shit at that, but I AM DEUS SOL FUCKING INVICTUS! You can kill the sun with a gun as much as you can kill the whole world on which you stand!

"So... at tha weddin', you let Chrysalis bring ya'll down?"

>... Alright, fine. I'll really level with you. I bitch, I whine, I try to run and hide, but the truth is, Applejack, it's just like I told you on your first day: Equestria needs you.

"Celestia, Ah think if it came down to you 'r me-"

>It would be you by a very large margin.

"Celestia."

>And.. Applebloom.

"Pardon?"

>At the end of the day, Applejack, you have a family. You have friends and people who love you, even if you were dead for only a few days their hearts would break and they would cry for you until your return.

After a few moments of silence, Applejack walks up and hugs Celestia.

"Yer friend o' mine, Celestia, an' family. Don' ever think that no one would miss you when yer gone."

>I'm not crying... I'm not- dammit...

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>Chrysalis
"SA"
'Cadence'
[Guards]
~~~~~

>MWAHAHAHAHAHHA! BOW TO YOUR GOD!

*CRACKCRACKCRACK!*

"Where did she find all those whips! She looks like a whiptopus!"

'I knew I should have thrown those away!'

[OW! WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH!?]

[This is way less sexy than I thought it would be!]

[What's the safeword!? WHO HAS THE SAFEWORD!?]

*CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK!*

>RUUUUN!

'OH! Hey! I just realized!'

"WHAT!?"

'We can blame Celestia for this one!'

"...That's great, honey."

'Right? It's-OW! OWOWOWOW!'

>DANCE CADDY DANCE!

"...I should be stopping this."

'Not so haaard! OW!'

>You take it and you LIKE IT!

"...But I won't."

'OW!'

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>Spike
"DT"
'42'
[77]
~~~~~~

>No cheating.

"Yeah!"

'He was talking to you.'

"What? I'm not the one who can magically change cards to whatever."

[Neither can we. Any outfit we change will simply revert back the moment we let go of it.]

'Unlike those cards you are hiding in your hair. Which will not change back.'

"...Fine!"

>Besides, wouldn't they have to whoosh in a giant mess of fire to pull that off?

[Yes, but... there are ways to hide that.]

"...No, DT! You can't bring your rocket launcher! It's just poker!"

'He's only doing it to scare you.'

"IT'S WORKING!"

>Alright, SO!... does anyone actually know how to play poker?

"..."

'...'

[...You seriously gathered a grade-schooler, warrior Changeling, and a shut-in warrior Changeling with PTSD, and expected one of US to know how to play?]

'...Those are Candyland cards in your hair, DT.'

"Shoot!"

>...This is going to take a bit.

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>Mysterious Villain
"Flim"
'Flam'
~~~~~~~

>What news do you bring, minions?

"We wish you'd stop calling us that."

'Fantastic news, my good sir oh benefactor of ours! We're ready to send another of our wonderful sure to impress inventions out to shake the status up!'

"Indubitably! Why, they'll be so shaken they'll fall right off their seats!"

>Gooood! And what target did you choose?

"The northern end of Canterlot!"

'With all the banks, it's sure to-'

>NO!

"...Come again?"

>Absolutely not! Mumsie and Daddums are up there! I'm not hurting them! Why would I do that!? This is all FOR THEM too!

'...Oh! Okay, well, it would surely-'

>NONONONO! No! Mumsies little prince is NOT GOING TO BLOW UP HER HOUSE! Understand!?

"...Off limits?"

>OFF. LIMITS.

'...Your wish is our command, oh captain my captain!'

"Another target?"

'Of course dear brother! With so many to pick, we'll never be short!'

"The Flim Flam brothers are the perfect cohorts!"

'To the map!'

The trotted off, still talking in that weird sing-songy voice. The pony they left behind didn't care.

He would finish his conquest either way, and he'll have his riches back, and his influence, and his freedom, and so will Mumsie and Daddums! It'll be right back to where it was, to where it SHOULD be! One way... or the other!

>...Why does lightning always strike when I smile? That's not safe. Someone is going to get struck by that....No matter! Mwahahaha-

*CRACKBOOM!*

>STOP THAT!
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>Twilight
"AJ"
'Spike'
-Celestia-

Deep inside Canterlot castle, one pony stood in her lab, looking over an impressive range of armaments.
>All of these guns, all created for the betterment of Equestria, and they can only be used properly by one individual. How can I design them to be used safely by hooves? Every time a pony picks one up, they need to hold the trigger, and they can't even activate the safety safely!

Suddenly an idea struck her. Something so monumental that it would forever change the face of Equestria. Something so major that it would continue having an effect past the apocalypse itself.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"So Twi' why exactly did you ask Spike, Celestia and I to come down here again?

'Please tell me you didn't want to update us on erogenous zones again.'

>No, no no no. This is far better than that, although I still have the papers in a desk if you'd like them!

"Ah think we're good, Sugarcube."

>Suit yourself. Princesses and Spike, Allow me to show you something that will change the art of warfare, forever!

-Is it a new gun? Because I'm a little too busy running all of Equestria to keep coming down here for them, Twilight.-

>No, better. You see, the only ponies that can actually use the guns effectively are unicorns, holding them with their magic. If what Spike tells me is true, then even they aren't doing a great job of it.

'None of them are doing anything close to a decent job of it, was my actual answer, but close enough.'

>Anyway, I created this to get around the whole 'Hooves are not made to hold guns' problem. Feast your eyes on the Battle Saddle, Mk 1!

Once the tarp covering it was removed, Two guns supported by metal bars to either side of a saddle attached to a mannequin were shown.

"Whoah! That's some impressive hardware, Sug', but how does it work?"

>Simple! You simply face the way you want to fire, bite down on the bit attachment, and it shoots!

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>Spike
"Diamond Tiara"
[42]
{77}
'Filthy Rich'
~~~~~
>Hey, Diamond Tiara, 42, 77, can I ask you guys something?

"Better be good."

{Of course, but you might not like the answer.}

[Eh, I got time]

>Just, well... How do you guys operate the safety with your hooves I've been trying to-

{["Safety?"]}

BA-BANG! FWOOSH! BOOM!

'Honey! Did you blow up half the house again?'

"It was the blank flanks!"

'Okay, sweetie pie, have fun and be safe with your friends!'
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>Chrysalis
"SA"
~~~~~~~

>BOOM! PAPERS EVERYWHERE!

"Oh neat, little bursts of magic amidst the slamming, just in case I had paperweights down again. Putting forth the effort, I guess. Nobody can say you're not dedicated to your craft."

>I am a model of efficiency.

"Hey, why you're here, I actually have a problem."

>Oh no! You're about to burst from lack of sex, and need a giant bootied receptacle to keep from leaving a gigantic mess? I'm on the case!

"Hah! Okay, that one was kind of funny. But seriously, I'm having trouble with actual prince stuff. Specifically, expansion. We're running out of room."

>Well, that won't do. I know, I'll sit on your lap! My plot is probably a leading cause of lack of room, I'll admit.

"I'm serious. We can't expand our borders, mostly because said borders cannot actually be expanded without putting strain on the magical shield. If that goes out, we're all screwed, but without it we're going to run out of room."

>Sounds like a problem.

"It is! Neither me or 18 have any ideas."

>...Ehhh, okay, here's what you do. Whenever one of the colonies overloaded with Changelings, we either did some mass killings-

"Chrysalis!"

>-Ooooor, we sent off multiple of them in little pockets into various settlements. Same idea. Since we can't expand the main shield, let's set up several, much smaller shields outside the borders that connect to the main shield. That way we get added defenses AND stability, as even if a small one goes down they can retreat to the main one, or if the main one goes down we're not all 'screwed'.

"...That can work! Maintaining a shield that small would be really easy, even a slightly above average unicorn could pull it off. We could have entire smaller towns just outside the main boarders, and even start setting up bigger farmlands with this!"

>Bingo. And you still get to command them all! MWAHAHAH!

"Ignoring that. Thanks, this actually might work! So did you drink coffee again, or.."

>Nope, ALL ME!

"..."

>...Fine, I ate some expresso beans. But I don't think it's the same.

"Regardless, thanks."

>You know how you could thank me better? By 'expanding your territory' over this a way, specifically the backside region.

"Nope."

>DAMN! All that helpfulness for nothing!

"Hrm, okay, you do deserve a reward though."

Her excitement was short lived when he pulled a picture out of his desk instead of the thing she HOPED he would pull out instead.

"Here. Celestia had me pose for a "recruitment" calendar back in my younger days. Why she thought me in a speedo would be more likely to get recruits, no idea, but I guess you can-"

>I'LL BE IN MY BUNK! NO CALLS!

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>Spike
[Charity voiced by Spike]
"Various Guards"
~~~~~~
>Okay...so we're trying out something new. What you're wearing now are Twilight's new Battle Saddles, so that it's much easier to handle. For extra precaution, they're modified to use nerf darts instead, so there shouldn't be any injuries this time.

"I miss my waifu."

>Your what?

"My gun, Sally. We have a bond. Now that she's not here, I feel like I've lost my waifu."

[Awww, Spike sweetie. Maybe we should give him his waifu back.]

>No! He can have his waifu back once we're at least past gun safety.

"Easy to say when you still have your waifu."

>That's cause I know how to handle my waifu!

[Well, he THINKS he can handle me anyway.]

"I don't know. I think I like this temporary waifu for now. She seems safe."
*BANG*

"AGH MY EYE!"

Spike facepalms
>...MEDIC!

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>Mayor
"29"
{Trixie}
~~~~~~

>Hey, 29? You okay?

"NO!"

>...

"She is the most annoying, self centered, egotistical thing on this planet! Where she gets all of this sense of undeserved grandeur from, I WILL NEVER KNOW!"

{The Great and Powerful Trixie objects! She is deserving of every bit of grandeur! The greatest magician in all of Equestria deserves no less!}

"THINE WORTH IS LESS THAN THE CRUMBS BETWIXT MY BACKSIDE!"

{Save the silly-talk for the writing process! We have to make everyone see how amazing I am with words too!}

"ARRRGH! How could anyone put up with someone like this!?"

>...No idea, 29. No idea.
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