Monika goes Camping

“Gosh Anon, we are really far out! It is so nice and cool up here, unlike back home. How do you even survive in Texas?” Monika gasped, taking in the craggy peaks, light the color of fresh meadows filled with the abundance of nature, betraying the cold granite underneath.

“yes Hun, the only reason so many people live in Texas is human ingenuity and air conditioners. And sheer determination like me. How have you like the trip so far?” you pass more fences and see abandoned buildings up ahead. “Colorado was a mess, up and down, and they couldn’t drive, but this is very nice Anon. How did you know to visit the… mountains, which are these ones again?”

You smile at your newlywed wife. Her grasp of geography was worse than even the dumbest American, surprising since she’s a (former) AI that browsed the internet every chance she got, mostly to pirate books from publishers she didn’t like. And embezzlement, but she wanted to make sure you had enough money for the wedding, and Lockheed surely wasn’t going to miss it. “These are the Rockies. Specifically, the Tetons. This is the nicest part of Wyoming I have ever visited, though we are gonna visit more of course~”.
Your old van rattles past some dusty old barracks, the only inhabitants now were crazy hillbillies, but you still thought of them as nice enough. Don’t want to be near one though, otherwise they would (rightly) assume you were a tourist.

“Why?” “Excuse me?” Monika blinked. “Why did we bring all this camping gear with us if we can just sleep in the van? Also, why all the way up here? How do you know this place?” More hairpin turns, more empty lanes. This place was as desolate as your home, but prettier than all your beloved dead grass and thick green trees filled with Blue Herons.

“Landers, Wyoming is a place I knew from my childhood, I guess. Little town, high in the mountains. I saw the eclipse here back in 2016. Though I got on top of the local Shoshone Forest mountains, and was out of the totality zone. Goddamn google lied to me again…”
“I wish I had been there with you. Must have been quite a sight.” She stared wistfully out at the snow breakers left over from winter. “Yeah. The sky got real dark, colder than a summer’s day should have been anywhere in the world. A purple twilight descended upon the land, shadows both growing forever, and disappearing all together.” You felt the wind give you the shivers, somehow picking up even in a moving van. “There wasn’t even any wind. It was as if the world were dead for but a moment. It was… very touching, very lonely upon that mountain top. I wish you had been there, even if we hadn’t been able to see the whole show, it was worth it.”

She leans into your shoulder. “We will just have to see the next one love~. I’m sure we can book something, and take our kids to see it.” Her sweet sigh was broken by you jerking the wheel. Her forwardness surprised you, but it really shouldn’t have. It was… just kinda sudden, you know. Not that it was unwelcome, these thoughts. Her hips were certainly – Oh here we are.
You drive up into town, and stop to buy more trail mix, and sleep in the hotel not owned by that Paki from over a decade ago. You were going to need rest, Sinks Canyon State park was going to be fun, and camping in the National Forest would be even nicer.

(end of part 1)

Sunlight streams in, past the cheap curtains. Must be somewhat late in the morning, for sunlight to be reaching you in the mountains. Sun getting blocked by the peaks and all that. Lacy orbs push against you, and an arm drapes across your frame. You give the hand a kiss and squeeze it softly, and you can feel Monika stir. “Slept in late Hun?” A scratchy voice mutters in your ear, saying something about how the van-lag really wore her out.

As much as you’d enjoy watching her shower and get dressed, you gotta take care of business while she does stuff. You leave Monika alone in the room while you go to your van, adjusting your various MREs and water bottles. You have a fairly /nice/ tent that shifted around during travel, and you put it back in place, on top of the cans of beans and other stuff you had bought at the store last night before dinner. Turns out there wasn’t a fire ban this month, the rains had been good.

You shut the door of the van, to get startled by Monika. “Ahaha Anon, you always fall for that one. Like my new blouse?” It was white with red and blue, in the style of the girl on the bottle of hot sauce. “You’d look like a local had we been here 150 years ago, and 300 miles further south. Good job though but bring your light jacket. Wind chill and all that.”

She puts her arm around you, nuzzling you.  “Aww, but I feel so safe and warm in your arms Anon~” You give her a quick kiss on the cheek and guide her to the hotel’s breakfast. It kinda sucked, but it was mostly protein and carbs, good for all the hiking you would be doing.

An hour and a half after you had woken up, it was about 9, and your way passed through some beautiful rock formations, and hills that were made of red bands that was as if thrust from the earth, which of course it was. Face pressed against the window, you could see that you weren’t the only one in awe of Nature’s Beauty. “Its so much bigger here! I thought the pictures I saw from your computer were nice, but this is amazing! Thanks again for getting me out of there. Who knew that Goosebumps was a proper guide to alternate realities within the same reality?” “well, if we hadn’t found that old school before it was demolished, you may have been trapped in that classroom forever.”

She beams back ribbon fluttering proudly, pale as her skin. When you stop, it flutters slowly, gasping for air after all the hyperventilating it had done in the wind. Damn, you were becoming too poetic around her, and you still stank. “The sinks are a river that sinks underground and then reappears 3 miles downstream, but funny thing is, its not all the same water. There is another underground stream feeding into the Rise.”

“Wowie! That’s pretty neat! Can we swim through it?” She said, noticing the sheer walls of the canyon at the same time. Then, realizing, “Oh wait, 3 miles is too far in one breath.” “And too tight for anyone but a worm,” You replied coyly, “and not even you can be that thin.”

Monika had all the grace befitting a scholastic politician, and the body of a goddess. She responded with a punch to the arm. Pretty fierce one too, considering that she was still smiling at you.

You got out and opened the door for her, and she stepped into the cool mountain air with her own Aire of grace, done up because of the playful jab a moment before. She immediately lost all composure and rushed to the gift shop. Somewhere along the way, +she had become a fan of bumper stickers and dolls of wild animals. You looked around, but made sure that if she still wanted it after you had done some exploring, then you’d get it for her. Honestly, she was a bit of a kid around you, since she didn’t need the composure of Club President anymore.

The roar grew louder, the water flowing and crashing against the rocks, deep into the nothingness. The coolness was welcome, even in these latitudes and altitudes. You sat with Monika on a rock, watching this unfold. Grasshoppers jumped around, and everything was as peaceful as can be. You held her, told her about how the Bighorn sheep were hard to find even here, due to their getting STDs from the local normal sheep. You told her about the Rocky Mountain Locust, and how your “spiritual” forefathers had accidentally paved over it’s land, extincting them all. Monika, while a conservationist, knew that locusts were the shittiest of insects, and should be killed wherever found for their ravages to crops.

Seriously, fuck them. We can produce so much food since we killed them all. Other countries and their breadbaskets btfo, land of opportunity is here.

“I hear this place during the spring melt is just crazy with the amount of water. Wouldn’t be any fun for camping though.” You put your hand on her thigh, giving it a squeeze against the dark pants. “Its why you dragged me 16 hours in a van after all. Better than other people’s 16-hour van rides though. No one else gets to ride with my Anon~”

You stayed like that for a while, eventually hiking some trails, and made it to the gift shop where she picked out a Bighorn and 2 bumper stickers. You watched her peel off the back of one and stick her cute tongue out as she carefully applied it. The other would go on a corkboard at home. You pass by some Yurts used by the local Mongolians and head up the long, winding road to the top of Shoshone National Forest.

(End of part 2)

The path winds, the old gray lanes narrowed, and your van chugged up and up. Less hairpins than you thought there would be, but you were really climbing. The trees had grown thick as anything you ever seen on animal planet, some of the pines were rather reedy as you got near the top, the wind must be too much for them to grow well. The deep blue sky was just as blue as when you left home, you knew, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t look any less spectacular.

During the scarier parts of the drive, your wife would hold your hand. She does this again, the road nearly vertical, nearly sheer with the mountain. 15 more minutes, and you have reached the top.  The peak is not where you will make camp, but slightly on the reverse slope. She pops out, stretches, and yells “ECHOOOOOO”.

Of course, she doesn’t get much of an echo, those work best in the valley, not the mountain. Was very cute though. She may have been a possibly sociopathic AI created in a bad romance game, but that just endeared you to her more. She was really an angel. Rubbing her back after disembarking, you ask if she would like lunch. “That sounds /nice/, lets get it out onto a tray.” Such a jokester.
You both were enraptured by MRE food, even if it would never be as good as real food, the production process was fun to learn, and all the science that went into making them was neat. You both liked Steve1989’s videos, it was like manly asmr. Cutting the meals from the back, you got out and helped her start her FRH and got her vegetable chili cooking. You started your own pot roast as well, and you made drinks in the water bottles you had brought. Electrolytes. Its what plants crave.

You talk about the land around here, and the local history, what little you know. Specifically, about how a decade before, you had sat in this exact spot when the sun hid his face from the world. You told her about the dark colors, the purples and oranges, the alien feeling of isolation you felt. “I see why ancient peoples saw them as ill omens, Anon. That would scare anyone unprepared.”
You hmm in agreement as you pick- “oh sunovah bitch, why can’t I do anything right?!?” You stick your finger in your mouth, having burned it like a dumbass on the FRH. Stupid, stupid, stu-But then Monika has her hands on your back, rubbing softly. You smile back down at her, and properly retrieve your food, and hers too, and get it out onto a tray. Nice. She was so nice to you, even if you were dumpy and autistic, she liked you for your “soul”, and she truly meant it as far as you’ve seen.

You had fallen in love with her because she was the most WOKE woman you had ever met, and didn’t particularly judge on appearances, but instead took you out to help cut down on the skinnyfat from decades of study and vidya. She was the one who saved you from yourself, and your friends on 4chan helped you even more. You were all going to make it! She enjoyed your sentiments as you told her this over lunch of not too overly processed chilis and beef. You stayed like that upon the rock, watching birds brave the cliffs for food, all at once totally isolated yet fully connected with all around you, like only a trip to the relatively unknown lands can do. It was getting later in the afternoon, and you had to set up camp.

You packed all your trash, gave your loving wife a quick kiss, and drove the 2 of you to just the right spot, there were nice places for couples like yourself, courtesy of the greatest government branch, the National Park Services. You always put in good report to them to your bosses at the FBI and National Guard, for what it’s worth even if they didn’t care. Just being appreciated is nice.

(End of part 3)

The dark had fallen upon your tent. You had rented a lodge further north, but that was for later, more honeymoon-oriented duties. This was for a communion with nature. Monika had insisted that she get to know all about the world by visiting as much of it as she could. She had started by planning a wild trip across the Atlantic and start in the Falklands, probably to plant a small British flag there to spite the Argentinians. You had convinced her to start small, that even for all her ambition, that was a bit much.

“I am glad it is not raining. Would be…just hellish really up here.” She sighed at you. “What, you don’t like the thunder we get in the States?” You smirked, knowing fully well of her opinion on “tempting God”. “Anon, I nearly pissed myself that night. Monsoons have nothing on that thunder. Monsoons are quiet and never-ending. You madmen live with tornadoes all over, and hope that you aren’t next! You really should get a shelter anon, or a basement at least.” She huffed indignantly.

“Damn bedrock is too strong, and you loved curling into my arms after everything lit up. How is your sleeping bag?” “It is kind of thin, can’t you put more on the fire? Or let me sleep in yours~” she purred. You had told her that bears probably would follow the scent of sex, but more importantly, that there would be no way to clean your bags, and that it would ruin the van. “Thank you, dear, its better now.” “Well, wood warms you twice and all that, so I won’t hit the sack yet Hun.”

You walked off a bit, to see the dark trees silhouette against the night sky, the moon giving her hazel halo, the clouds a green brown mist. These sorts of nights were the best. You walked back to camp, to see her snuggled up. Having made sure all the food was up, and the fire able to be easily doused, you got in the tent with her. Her auburn hair ticked your nose, and in her peaceful face, you saw perhaps one of God’s truths, or maybe you just saw your wife. Either way, it was an extraordinary thing, to be together like this. You hoped she would have enough energy for the next leg of your journey, of your life together. You closed your eyes, and slept well.

(End of part 4, but this is the limit of my personal experience with camping and it will get worse from here on out)