Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. What time is it? Must have been asleep for ages.
I wonder what will happen now that Mary is gone? What about Joseph’s kids?
And how will Amanda feel about all this?
…Well, we all have each other. That’s what matters.
I guess time will tell, right? Better get up and greet the day.
Wait.
I- am I tied up?!
What the hell?!
How did I get here? What’s going on?!
Joseph?
Anybody?
Don’t panic. You’re probably just dreaming. Why would there be a…
…a dungeon.
An evil dungeon. Why would there be an evil dungeon here?
This can’t be real. Maybe I had too much Twilight Rouge.
I’m dreaming, or something.
Oh, I guarantee this is real.
I can see someone at the end of the hall. It’s just a shape; I can barely make out any features.
Who’s there? Can you untie me?
It’s a personal guarantee. A verbal handshake.
Trust, if that’s what you get off on.
Please, I- I don’t know how I got here. I think there’s been a mistake.
You trust me, right?
I mean, why wouldn’t you?
Joseph?! Jesus, what is this? Are you into this kind of thing? I wish you’d have warned me.
Into this kind of…?
Hah! Ha ha!
I always liked you, {$PlayerFirstName}. Goal oriented, anchored by family. The rock in a shallow sea.
And down to pound, if you catch my meaning. I had a whale of a time last night.
Get it? Whale? We talked extensively about whales last night? You don’t really like them?
…
You’re not in a joking mood. I get that.
His voice is different. This whole situation is different. The way he’s talking: it’s…
Dastardly? Sadistic? It can be both. Throw another one in there. Wrathful. That one’s good.
Wait, How did he…?
I’m very perceptive. A good listener. I heard all those impure thoughts, {$PlayerFirstName}, and about a married man, no less.
I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.
Who… are you?
I told you, I’m a cool youth minister. Have you seen my tattoos? Were you even watching me tear it up on the dance floor?
You used to be a lot more fun.
Well, hi. My name is Joseph. I have an alcoholic whore wife, whose life I destroyed.
Poor Mary. And their kids.
Joseph laughs.
My kids? Those aren’t my kids.
Well, they are my kids. In a way. Cosmically. I guess you could call them… vessels.
And in that case I guess that technically makes me not a Dad. Woops. Sorry to kill that little fantasy for you.
Joseph, this is insane. So the whole minister thing… that’s just a front for this weird sex dun-
Joseph starts laughing hysterically. He wipes a tear from his eye.
Oh, that’s so cute. You think this is a sex thing.
I mean, it’s kind of a sex thing.
The safe word is “Jimmy Buffett.”
{$PlayerFirstName}, there are powers at work so far beyond your understanding that the very idea that I would sink to some half-baked sex game is a little insulting.
All that religion mumbo-jumbo wasn’t entirely false. I am a man of the cloth, just not the cloth you’re thinking of.
I am the conduit for something beautiful, {$PlayerFirstName}. Something pure. And you have the honor of being part of it.
I know that sounds kinda hokey but stick with me. I promise ‘ll get back to being relatably cool in a second.
Where you really are is under the house. Or I guess, under the houses.
The houses…? Are we… under the cul-de-sac?
Hey, deductive reasoning! Points for {$PlayerFirstName}!
How did nobody notice a dungeon underneath the town? Somebody would have had to…
All dead. Everyone who figured it out, that is.
And it’s not a dungeon. Dungeons are for old castles and twelve year olds. This place is… how would I describe it?
Inhabiting many spaces. The betweens of the world. The gaps in mathematics. It’s quite simply beyond you, I’m afraid.
Just think of it as the real Margarita Zone.
This is too much… my head hurts…
{$PlayerFirstName}, ever wonder where all the wives and husbands in town went? Why everyone’s an eligible single father?
…I just thought it was a coincidence.
Nothing’s a coincidence, idiot. No town in America has such a concentration of eligible, willing Dads.
And do you want to know why?
I don’t know if I do, Joseph.
Because of me. Because of my work. Because of my loyalty.
Loyalty? You’re insane.
Profoundly.
How many couples have I pushed to divorce? How many wives and husbands have I hunted in the dark?
Wait… Amanda’s mom… it can’t be…
I unfortunately can’t take credit for that one. It seems entropy beat me to the punch.
I don’t know if that’s a relief or not.
But man, what if I had? The look on your face would’ve been priceless.
Maple Bay is a psychic beacon of unfathomable power, but it requires sacrifice. It needs to feed on those deep, unquenchable pangs of anguish.
And all to get these very good friends of ours here, in my town, and my father’s town, and his father before him. Hurting for human touch. Praying for the salvation of kindness.
I don’t understand.
Of course you don’t. You were out there gallivanting about, seducing all the hottest single Dads. Meddling in something you have no understanding of. A greatness you could not conceive.
Out there, in the dark of the sea, lies something that has been waiting to return for a hundred million years. It showed the path to Jonah, my ancient ancestor, as it has shown the path to me.
And I will fuck each Dad whose life I destroy until the shame and stink of their failures has returned our eternal king to life. The fuel of a hundred thousand rank darknesses of the soul.
Wow…
Do you have anything you’d like to say?
I’ll kill you if it’s the last thing I do.
What about Amanda?
Just kidding! You don’t get to choose. I know you’re used to being in control here.
But now it’s my turn.
And don’t worry yourself about Amanda.
If you touch her…
Please, {$PlayerFirstName}, give me some credit. Look at my pedigree.
If I do my job, I won’t even have to.
Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s some other business I need to attend to. Your dear friend Robert has been awfully worried about you…
I think it’s about time that miserable drunk gets one last visit from the Dover Ghost.
This is a nightmare.
A beautiful nightmare, wouldn’t you agree?
All along you’ve been living a dream, Daddy.
Now it’s time to wake up.
Oh man. This is bad. This is very bad.
How long was I out? When is he coming back? How do I get out of here?
A hand slips over my mouth.
Don’t say anything.
Hell, don’t even think anything.
It’s okay, {$PlayerFirstName}. It’s me.
I’m gonna get you out of here.
She kneels down and starts working on the ropes around my ankles.
I gotta be honest, I didn’t like you at first.
I guess I did try to break up your marr-
Shh! Shut up for once.
Look, truth is I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for the both of us. I don’t think you’re a bad person, despite what you might think of me.
I don’t want it to end like this. Not again.
I raise my eyebrows at her.
Come on. Who do you think lived in that house before you?
Don’t think about it. Not right now.
He’s coming. Run, kid.
Mary finishes untying me and disappears.
I get out of the chair and run as fast as I can down the hallway outside of my… holding cell.
I have to get out of here.
Eventually I run out of breath. I can’t keep sprinting. Not with these Dad knees.
I check myself. All I have are the clothes on my back and… this thing in my pocket. The pocket knife that Robert gave me. If I have to defend myself, this is all I have.
Looking ahead of me, I can’t see the end of the hallway: it bends further up there. I look back and can’t even see where I started. I guess the only thing I can do is keep going and hope there’s a way out on the other end.
If there is an other end…
The hallway bends and twists. Sometimes it gets smaller, to the point where I have to crawl on my hands and knees to get through. Sometimes it expands into a great cavern where I can’t even see the ceiling. I see no way out other than to keep moving forward.
I don’t know how long I’ve been walking, but my body aches with soreness. I’m long past dehydration. My head is pounding. My vision is blurred. I lean up against the walls of the hallway for support.
I’m not sure how I’m still going.
And yet still here I am. I’ve been walking for what I think must be days. It could be weeks… months…
The exhaustion has sunk into my bones. I drift in and out of consciousness. I think I’ve slept, if you can call it sleep. My dreams are plagued with nightmares of being chased down this hallway. I see Joseph’s kids. They hide in the shadows. They’re coming to drag me back to Joseph.
Oh god, Joseph. I can see his face so clearly in those dreams.
I don’t know why I keep moving, why I keep placing one foot in front of the other. My clothes are tattered and my shoes have worn through.
My hell is inescapable.
Until…
It’s… a door.
A door at the dead end of the hallway.
I place my hand on the knob, seeing for the first time my gnarled fingernails and stretched, papery skin. I open the door and walk through.
…I’m in my house?! How did that…?
Amanda rushes into the room, wrapping her arms around me in a ferocious bear hug.
Where have you been?! Are you okay? I tried calling you like thirty times!
A…Amanda?
What happened? Did the boat break down or something?
Oh… I… um…
You know what? I’m just glad you’re home.
I look down and at myself and my clothes. They’re… there. My shoes are on. My fingernails aren’t gnarled.
I feel… fine.
I hug Amanda again. Nothing has ever felt as good in my entire life.
I have to choke back tears of relief.
Amanda… I’m… so glad to see you. You have no idea.
Wow, one night at sea.
You didn’t see a whale, did you? You poor thing.
No whale could keep me from my daughter.
You’re damn right.
You know what? You need breakfast. A very greasy breakfast.
That sounds amazing.
Amanda skips out of the room.
This is all so confusing… was it a dream?
By the way, is it okay if Emma P. comes over tonight?
Emma P.?
You know, my best friend?
Oh, sure.
Wait… I thought… isn’t Emma R. your best friend?
She has red hair? You do art together? You pooped in her bed during that sleepover one time?
Oh right, my mistake. Teenager brain, you know?
I sit down on the couch, suddenly very exhausted. All I want is to have a big plate of hashbrowns with my daughter by my side while I quietly work on my word jumbles.
I reach over to the coffee table and grab my trusty book of jumbles.
This is… this is a crossword puzzle.
I stare at it for too long.
Hey Amanda…
Amanda pops her head in from the kitchen.
Workin’ hard on these eggs, Dadtron. If you want the perfect over-medium I gotta be in the zone.
When’s your birthday?
Why, did you get me something?
No, seriously. When’s your birthday?
My birthday? Dad, really? Do I have to answer this?
I have seen a lot of weird stuff today, Amanda. Humor me.
My birthday is…
It’s…
Nothing gets past you, huh?
(NOTE: The file here says “AmandaDemon… neutral”)
You know, I almost had you going there for a sec. Was it the crossword puzzle that gave it away? You know, I try so hard to nail the details.
Like, cooking you breakfast? Over-medium eggs with hash browns? Come on. That’s so you.
And my Amanda impression? I really think I stuck the landing on her irreverent yet wholesome tone. The whole “manic pixie dream daughter” thing? I should’ve been on Broadway with these chops.
I feel like you’re not appreciating how much work I’ve put in here.
Amanda turns ash black, her clothes, hair and bracelets collapsing into concentric rings of pitch-dark smoke.
Cracks begin to form along the walls around me. I look down and see the floor collapsing in tiles. As the walls, crumble… I see where I truly am.
Almost got away, huh?
Dunno how you got out of those ropes. You’re a crafty one, aren’t you?
Mary…
Oh right! Mary! She’s rocking the tag team with you, isn’t she?
Funny, here I was thinking marriage was about trust.
You know I thought I was gonna take care of Robert, and then here you were trying to make your escape and honestly {$PlayerFirstName} you’re just killing my whole timeline here.
Wait… Robert.
As quick as I can, I pull his folding knife out of my pocket and lunge for Joseph, throwing all my force into him—
Joseph knocks the knife out of my hand. It skitters across the room.
Aw, man.
{$PlayerFirstName}, I thought we were cool.
I thought we had a thing here. What happened to Margarita Zone?
Welp, sorry bud, but I guess I’m gonna have to do ya dirty.
Doing you dirty means I have to kill you.
Joseph wraps his hands around my neck, smiling as he tightens his grip.
What’s wrong? You were so into this last night.
I have no strength left to fight him.
This is it. Isn’t it?
The world goes quiet around me.
All I can think about is Amanda… I miss her so much.
I’m sorry Amanda. I love you more than anything.
Please be good…
Joseph’s eyes go wide. He releases his grip on me and I gasp in air. He turns around.
It’s over, Joseph.
Honey, sweetie, you… stabbed me.
You stole so much of my life from me.
Joseph backs away from Mary, clutching the wound on his shoulder.
Sweetheart… we can work this out.
I’m done with you.
Father?
Chris peeks into the doorway behind Mary. He looks… different. Behind him are Christian, Christie, and Crish, who all creep into the room.
Father… we’re so hungry.
Won’t you feed us, Father?
Mary turns to me and holds out a hand.
Hey, sailor.
It’s time to go.
The children corner Joseph as I crawl to Mary, who pulls me into the hallway. I look back into the room at the horror I had escaped. I… it’s…
The more I look at it, the more it seems to break my mind. I turn away, my head pounding.
This body is but a conduit, Mary! I’ll see you in your nightmares!
What the hell?
My eyes open and I shoot up in bed, gasping for air.
Dad!
Amanda leaps off of the chair in my room and attacks me with a hug.
Amanda!
This is the best hug of my life.
I was so worried about you…
I’m so happy to see her again…
Amanda… what’s your birthday?
Dad, did you forget again?
It’s March 22nd. You got me a record player and we ate an ice cream cake at the beach? But then I dropped the ice cream cake and got sand all over it? Remember?
I… I remember that.
Panda I missed you so much. What… what happened?
You don’t remember?
The yacht sank. The rescue crews had to pull you out of the water. That was a few days ago.
Where’s Joseph?
They found something in the Yacht wreckage. Some documents that showed he was embezzling funds from the church. Nobody’s seen him since.
There’s a detective here who’s been waiting to talk to you. He’s nice but he’s drinking all of our coffee. Lemme go grab him.
Wait…
Yeah?
Amanda, I love you so much.
I love you too, Dad.
Amanda skips out of the room, and in a moment Mary enters with…
…the guy I saw in the hallway.
Rise and shine, bucko.
Mary… are you okay?
You know it was a real shame, what happened to Joseph. I had no idea he was doing what he was doing to the church. And I can’t believe he ran once the feds showed up, leaving me to take care of our four beautiful children on my own.
But don’t worry, they’re staying with my parents out in the midwest til this all blows over.
Mary stares at me, waiting for me to say something.
Good answer.
Glad to see you’ve both got your story straight.
I’m happy you’re okay. I was worried about you.
Thanks, Mary.
Mary cracks a smile before turning and leaving my room.
Take it sleazy, fellas.
Once the door closes, the man pulls up a chair and sits next to my bed.
You don’t know me, but I know a lot about you, {$PlayerFirstName}. Been keeping tabs on you for a while.
Who are you?
Graves. Detective Saul Graves.
There’s strange and mysterious forces at work here in Maple Bay.
What you saw down there… what we both saw down there… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget it. And I get the feeling that you won’t be able to, either.
But it’s my job to get to the bottom of this.
So what does this mean for me?
It means to live your life like none of this ever happened. Go be happy. Go raise your daughter. Go fall in love.
Be well, {$PlayerFirstName}.
Saul walks to the door of my bedroom, but stops. He turns to me.
And…
I know it’s hard to raise a kid as a single parent. Even I lost my wife under “mysterious circumstances.”
Little Barry and I have been on our own for a while now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this, it’s that us Dads have to help each other out.
Get some rest. But if you’re not doing anything later… maybe you give me a call.