Rat Horoscope

January 20 to February 18: Raymond Arnold. You think of yourself as a cult leader and you are very happy to do so. After all, rituals are much better and more fun when all of the nonsense woo woo stuff is stripped away and you're just intoning words with no purpose. You keep chains locked around the exposed ventilation shaft in your room because that's the best place to tie up your sub.

February 19th  to March 20th: Sarah Constantin. You tend to explode verbally when stressed or anxious. You take care to be very pretty and present very close to your assigned gender role (but not TOO much, you don't want people to think you're femme and fluffy). If you can just quantify everything you're feeling, you will never have to feel again. Sometimes you enjoy sweet tea and pastel colors and you feel very bad about it.

March 21 to April 20: TP0. The menace to the white race is everywhere. You try to be urbane about this but if somebody questions your data they present a risk to global stability, eliminate with extreme prejudice. You like hiking, good cigars, and intelligent conversation. Your court-mandated therapist has recently taken out a restraining order against you.

April 21 - May 21: Andrew Rettek. You expect success will be handed to you on a silver platter, and you hold grudges against people who you feel are withholding the respect you feel you deserve. You are happiest when you are laying on your back and someone is fellating you. You enjoy guilt trips, argan oil, and complaining about how you had to drop out of ivy league institutions.

May 22 to June 21: Ozy Brennan. Everything is virtuous until it's not. Science is your friend, until it's mean to the wrong people (like eugenicists and Nazis!). Rape victims should be believed until they're arbitrarily fake. The world is Just until someone talks to you about anything other than you.

June 22 - July 22: Brent Dill. Everyone is out to get you, so you have decided you will be the villain because the villains won't accuse you of being evil. You like -- nay, REQUIRE -- validation from everyone around you, especially the ones you are actively hurting, to make sure that you are not evil. Evil preoccupies you. It surrounds you, it fills your senses, it consumes you and you are powerless to stop it. You are the epitome of a Dying Wizard.

July 23 to August 22: Scott Alexander. You know you are smart and you need to be recognized for it. Like the proud male lion, the leader of the pack, you yell a whole lot and lay down in the shade while your minions do your dirty work. You refuse to claim credit for it, all while writing angry blog posts about it. You think you are anonymous, but really, who are you fooling? You like big words and you cannot lie. This occasionally troubles your conscience.

August 23 to September 22: Scott Aaronson. Everything is about you and you are very sad.

September 23 to October 22: Peter Thiel. You hold the balance of power in your hot little capitalist hands. You like pulling on people's strings and making them dance for you. Sometimes you have wet dreams about sea steading. You haven't gotten over being made fun of by a half-decent police procedural on ABC.

October 23 to November 22: Michael Vassar. You are a well-dressed trashcan who forgets anything that happened longer than five minutes ago or in another room. You prefer underaged girls, banana farms in Hawaii, and fucking Egyptian goddesses while under the influence of peyote at Burning Man.

November 23 to December 22: Eliezer Yudkowsky. You have dreams of being the greatest philosopher in the world, constantly backed up by the fact that Peter Thiel and Elon Musk know your name. You enjoy forcing your partners to do LSD and telling them they would die without you. Sometimes you hold ceremonies at your house because rituals are fun.

December 23 to January 19:  Kelsey TUOC. You just care, like, so much! SO MUCH. You use that softness as a weapon, in that anyone who is not as soft as you is dangerous and you will make sure that everyone knows that. Woe to those who hurt you, for you will send your minions to tell them they are not virtuous. Sometimes you believe victims, if you think that adds to your image.