Hello everyone, sorry for my bad english,
You guys can call me Nobody, I am a weird, different kind of idiot. From childhood I have been a kind of a outcast, was always out of place.
Let me start from the beginning, my father was very financially stable when I was a kid, but he always have been very lazy when he had to pay my school tuition fees, he always would queued up the due to 6months or more, my teachers used to scold me and said a lot of things due to this, but I never knew why he would do this?
I didn't have a personal computer at home, so I would always go to my father's office to play video games on the computer there in my holidays, so one day I went there in my Eid-ul-Fitr vacation, and I witnessed something very terrible, my father and 2 of his friends were drinking and banging a prostitute one by one, his friend no.1 said, 'Vai chele meye r tk dewar karon e anondo furti korte parina', my father replied, 'Vai anondo furti r tk alada rakhben shobar age jemon ami kintu amr chele r beton dei nai koek mash', I was shocked and traumatized. I never spoke of it with anyone in my family because it will cause a huge fight.
‌Later when I was maybe 11, I went to my School to get my report card, I was late so almost no one was at the School, the guard said teachers are still in the building, my school had 3 buildings connected to each other, the teachers room was at building 1 but the gate was closed there I had to go there through building 3, as I was going I saw a stranger a guy in his 30-40ies called me and asked me what I was doing there at this hour? I thought he was a teacher or a guardian, I explained my situation and he informed me that the class teachers are in a different classroom, he said he will escort me there, I was relaxed because I was getting scared in the empty buildings, so as we were going, when we passed the bathrooms he said, he is going to the bathroom for a bit, I thought I will also go to pee, when I entered one of the bathroom, he entered there forcefully and he said he would like to see me pee, I was very scared after that he forced me as he pleased and raped me, Yes, I was raped though I am a guy, funny right? Sorry to offend anyone. After that he threatened me that if I spoke of this to anyone he would rape and kill my family, hence, I never spoke of it to anyone.
‌As days went by I started to become mentally sick, with all the wounds inside. I never got the support or love from my family, nobody on this damn planet understood me. I thought maybe one day someone will love me, someone will love the guy that is hidden behind the mask of lies, someone will love even though I am broken.
‌I falled in love in a very young age, I was 15 maybe, the girl lived in my village, I am quite conservative and possessive, I was always afraid of girls in the city, how maximum of them thinks love as a game. I always thought of getting married as soon as possible, I am little bit religious hehe. I literally didn't want the Huurs in Jannat, I wanted my wife their, my lover to be their with me, yes that much crazy I am. I literally got chances of having sex with her, but I didn't because I didn't want to taint her. I would only see her 2-3 times in a year, but always contacted her through mobile, after 2.5 years I went to my village and started hearing that she is in another relationship, I didn't believe in anything, but one evening as I went to the tea stall to get cigarettes for myself, Yes, I started smoking after that school tragedy and out of anger of my father's money, it was like a bad coping mechanism. So, after getting the cigarettes I went to a place where all my village acquaintances would gather and gossip. I was speaking with one of them, I suddenly noticed one of them was showing some porn to another guy, I tried to see it, I saw my girlfriend was fucking with the guy. I didn't believe it at first, then I confronted him and he said they are in a relationship and they had sex many times, I took the video and confronted my girlfriend about it and she confessed about what she did. I was totally heart broken, my depression got worse, my brain got worse to insane, From then till now my brain kills me everyday every second.
‌Yet again after this bad relationship, I gave one more shot after a year, because I wanted to felt love which I never did, I wanted someone who would care for me be afraid of losing me, I wanted to live.
‌Girlfriend 2 loved me a lot, and I loved her with everything I had. She was my cousin, we were happy, but happiness hates me, after a year her parents were forcing her to get married and we broke of mutually, I was so fucking powerless, I respected her decision because she didn't want to her mother. And boom, she got into another relationship after 3-4months, and yes, you guys guessed it right, either I was the unluckiest guy on the planet or I am a plain idiot. That guy was going to join the army so he had a stable future, whereas I just completed O levels, I had huge study gap. But that guy dumped her, and she came back to me, and Yes, I know I am a idiot, I accpeted her back, I knew she was using me but I gave a blind eye to that fact, this time to ensure her a better future I dropped my university and started to apply for jobs, my parents still doesn't know and I am a university dropout now and she again dumped me in 2018, and she got married this year February.
‌My suicidal thoughts always waged war in my head, a psychologist diagnosed me with major depression disorder, schizophrenia. My brain is always on insanity overdrive, like I am talking with you but in the back of my head I have killed myself, I have became a superhero, got married, became a millionaire, stayed alone forever and what not, and I can't stop this shit it is so annoying and irritating. I can't concentrate I can't live, I can't breathe properly because of my damn brain.
‌Yet again, if you read this far, you are thinking this guy is the most stupid and idiotic person in the world, and Yes I am.
‌I gave one last shot at love, this girl I knew her for a decade, she is a good, kind hearted beautiful angel, I tried to make her fall in love with me, I tried everything, I was always there by her side for the last 1 year; financially, emotionally, mentally and in every other way I supported her, I thought she will one day fall in love with me, I used to save money from not using the rickshaw to buy her things she wanted or needed, I used my University tuition fees for her needs, I even bought her mother's medicine because she was upset, she lost the money for the medicine on valentines day. I care for her so damn much, I don't blame her, she wanted a friend, a good friend, I once asked that if she had a boyfriend and she told yes, but she cared for me which was as a good friend but I thought it was love. Friends care for each other, and I thought she was becoming mine. I am still helping her with everything. But I know I am too late.
‌And there are a lot more daily to daily basis incident that happens.
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Sorry for such a long post, still couldn't share all of my stories, couldn't express my feelings correctly, I wanted to share all this because I wanted to know where did I go wrong?
I had several suicide attempts, even today I tried to strangle myself with a rope, I cut myself when I have sever urges to kill myself, self harm is a last resort to keep myself from killing myself. I know I am not a good guy, I know I am failure, a idiot, a psycho, but what did I do to deserve this? My brain is such a burden, I know suicide is not the option, I don't want to die, believe me, I want to kill my brain, I cannot control it and it doesn't want me to be alive. I want a new life, I want to change my life, I want to be normal, I want to live, be happy, love and be loved.
I wanted someone to love me, someone to hold me tight in my darkest hour, I want someone, is this too much too ask? Am I wrong thinking like this? Then this isn't my place, I should have died a long time ago...