Thread 5: Stories 31-45

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>AJ 18
"Chrysalis"
'SA'
~~~~~~~~~

*DOOR SLAM!*

>Who the hell is crumpling all my...

"My butt is on your deeeesk! And it's messing up all your paaapers!"

'I can see that. It's actually pretty hard to miss it.'

"Hah! Keep looking, and remember I would have TOTALLY let you have that if you'd married me instead!"

'Before or after you drained me into a blank, lifeless husk?'

"...Well, before, obviously."

'Rhetorical question.'

"Stop making up words!"

>Erm, my Queen?

"HAH! Look at that! Your wife is totally on board with me taking over."

'That's not Cadence.'

"It so totally is!"

>A-actually, My Queen, I'm Applejack 18.

"..."

>...Sneaky Applejack.

"Oh! Right! Forgot about that. Well, go ahead with the mission."

>R-right... so... uh, Shiny, you wanna....

'...'

>Er, I mean to say we should, uh....

"...Wow, no wonder he's never gotten up on that. You suck at this."

'She's normally a lot more effective. Why don't you try leaving the room? Might help her anxiety.'

"Yeah, that might-OHOHOH! Wait a minute! Almost got me there, you sneaky little thing. Take the day off, Sneaky Applejack, it's big momma's turn to see if she can mix a little ebony and ivory!"

>O-oh. Yes, of course. I'll just... go home... already...

'Good thing too, because there's a spare office we're cleaning out down the hall. Wouldn't want you wandering into it by accident.'

>...Right! Wouldn't want that! That's... where Cadence normally works, right?

'Right.'

>Well, I wouldn't want to go in there! Good luck, my Queen!

"Have fun on the train!"

'...'

"...My butt is on your deeeesk!"
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>Applejack 42
'Applejack'
"Changeling"
(Guard)

>Why did you call me down here again?

'Apparently the guards're upset about a Changeling in the latrines.'

>I thought we were beyond this.

(Not in the latrines, ma'am, he came OUT of the latrines, brandishing some kind of...sharpened bone! He cut Buckler bad before we locked him in there.)

>A sharpened bone? Really?

'We reckoned with Chrysalis outta town you'd be the best Changeling to talk to 'im.'

>Yeah I'll see what this is about.

42 enters the room.

>Hello?

"Hiyaaaaaah!"

A black blur launches itself at her from the side, but 42 ducks to the side and leaves her attacker to skid to a stop next to a sink.

>The...hell?

Standing before her is an almost emaciated changeling, one eye covered with the tattered bloodstained remains of a battle standard, clutching a knife made out of some kind of femur in his mouth. He realizes what she is and the bone clatters to the floor. He smiles.

"One of us! Hurrah, my distraction must have allowed the main invasion force to break their siege of the castle!"

>Excuse me?

"Changeling 77 of her Majesty's Subterranean Nautical Expeditionary Force reporting in!"

>...wait, aren't you one of those twelve poor bastards Chrysalis threw in a cave for accidentally eating some of her cake?

"Huh? She said we were to search the caverns under the mountain for a way into Canterlot! We were originally just the Subterranean Expeditionary Force but we tacked the Nautical bit when we found this underground river!"

>Uh...huh.

"Sure it felt like I spent years down there, sure I saw the horrors that don't walk in daylight, sure I was literally floating on a raft of my dead broodmates' bodies by the end, but I'm here and ready to help vanquish the pony menace!"

>Uh, about that...we kind of lost.

"What!? Then why are you here!? Where is everyone!?"

>The ballroom, here, I'll show you.

"A POW camp in the ballroom!? That's terrible!"

>What? No, you idi-

"Shh! Don't worry, I have a plan! Await my signal later today in the ballroom, I'll find a way to set you free and all these ponies will awake to find they're gargling their own entrails! Ahahahahaha!"

Before 42 can tell him he's insane, 77 grabs his bone knife, leaps up and disappears into an air duct.

'So how'd it go?'

>There's a dangerously insane Changeling with PTSD in the air ducts.

'Should ah go get Spike?'

>No but keep him on watch. This loon may try to go Rambuck on us if I can't talk him down.

'Rambuck 1 'r 2?'

>Does it matter?

'Does if yer a policepony.'


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>Spike
"Twilight"
'Applejack'
~~~~~
Applejack and Spike are calmly when Spike suddenly begins belching a continuous goat of flame from which Twilight's head appeared.

"I am Princess Twilight, The Great and Powerful!"

>Shwilif! Wha is thif?

"Oh, sorry new message sending system. Spike, I need you to go on a mission for me. Flim and Flam have managed to steal a dangerous, experimental, prototype Doomsday weapon I had been working on-"

'Hold tha phone, Twi! What in tarnations were ya doin' buildin' a doomsday device?'

"Because it was attached to my 'solve world hunger' machine."

'Why in that hay would ya attach a doomsday device to a 'solve world hunger' machine?'

"... Uhh... Ksst! Ksst! you're both breaking up! Ksst! Sending the coordinates to you now, Spike. Help us, you're our only hope! ... Ksst!"

Spike finally stops spewing flame and sees a scroll on the ground and sighs.

>Well, she wanted things to be yelled at about...

'Ah'm still tryin' ta wrap mah head 'round why a 'solve world hunger' machine would have a doomsday device built in?!'

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>Applejack
“Celestia”
_________

>Princess, can Ah ask a quick question?

“You know, during the rare moments when you’re not around to constantly badger and berate me with questions of a depressing nature, I oftentimes think… wouldn’t it be just so grand if the whole world just suddenly caught fire?”

>Uh… gonna have to be honest here and say ‘no’, Celly. And you’ve got that look in yer’ eye…

“I’ve got a look in my eye, cake on my lips, and a Changeling who thinks it’s being sneaky eavesdropping through the air ducts.”

Applejack glanced towards the ceiling, where she could indeed see a pair of glowing eyes staring down at them through the ventilation grate.

>Yeah, see, that’s what Ah needed to ask about….

“Well ask quickly, before I hyperbeam it through the castle roof.”

>It’s name is, uh… what’s yer’ name again, partner?

…

>Okay, so he’s not up to talkin’ right now.

“Is he mute?”

>No, no, jus’… he’s of an old mindset, the one we smashed outta all them Changelings awhile ago.

“Oh. You mean he wants to overthrow me.”

>That’s, uh, puttin’ it mildly, but yeah somethin’ like that, Celly. Anyway, his number is 77 and he seems to be sufferin’ from a bout of PTSD due to bein’ locked away underground for twelve years.

“Luna would laugh her plot off at that measly sentence. What did he do?”

>Accidentally ate some of Chrysalis’s cake.

“Huh, he got off lucky. Were it me, he’d be a black smudge on the wall.”

>...yeeeeah, so Ah jus’ thought Ah’d let ya know we’ve got a slightly traumatized Changeling on the loose.

“He can be loose as he wants, but should he even think about touching my precious cake, the horrors that I unleash on him will make the darkest, most hottest pits of Tartarus seem like a filly’s theme park. There will be no refuge from his torment, not even within his nightmares, and his anguished cries will echo down the barren castle hallways for all eternity.”

There was a sudden metallic scurrying noise and Applejack glanced up to see the grates barren.

>That was a mean joke, Celly.

“Who was joking?”

>...guess Ah’d better go find him, then.

“Yes, and make haste, won’t you? I’ll stay here and idly ponder what an Equestria would be like if I burned it until the surface was but glass.”

>...right.


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>In an old, torn up, and stained journal with a "25" written on the side, abandoned in the Royal Guard's women's locker room the last page reads...
Day 4381 in Equestria
THE TIME HAS COME! I met another changeling but she has been taken prisoner, as it seems my brothers, sisters, and my own queen! I am told they COMING IN THE DARKNESS! THEY COME THROUGH THE WALLS! are being held captive in the ballroom, it seems they would have linked up to me sooner but are prisoners!

THREE TOO MANY THREE TOO MANY THREE TOO MANY

I cannot allow this, I now live within the castle's wall, scouting all possible routes though. I have spied the enemy princesses, gluttonous, fat 68 THEY GOT 68! IT BURST OUT OF HIS CHEST! I'M ALONE! they must be avoided though, their power is no doubt quite great.

THE NIGHT DEMONS! THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! NOT EVEN IN MY DREAMS! HELP ME, MY QUEEN! SAVE US FROM THIS HELL!

I must convene with my imp familiar on what he's learned so far. In the meantime I remain silent, spying the Canterlot Guard from above- oops! dammit!

>A guardsmare looked up to see 77 in the vents and back at the last journal entry
>"Did you really write 'oops, dammit' right before you dropped this?"

>"I did, and would appreciate it if you handed that back to me."

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>Applejack
"Applejack 12"
~~~~~~~~~

>Alright, Ah'm sure this one worked out!

"Why."

>What?

"Why. The hell. Did the haunted house ride have REAL TORCHES!?"

>Oh, come on! Ya'll are perfect for that!

"Too perfect, apparently! One of the patrons thought the ride had COME TO LIFE and decided she was going to handle it! And then several others joined her! Really, their rendition of Frankenpony was astoundingly accurate, we should have had a camera."

>Er, well, at least ya' still-

"They fired me, by the way. Nothing personal, they said, but their insurance agent literally, not figuratively, jumped from the window when they asked what their rates would be if they kept me on."

>...

"...He was a pegasus, so he was fine, but still."

>Well, back ta' the old drawing board.

"Pull out this pitchfork, wash off the smoke stains and tell the guard me punching that mare in the face was totally justified, and I'll join you."

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>AJ 42
"Applejack"
'77'

"-an' that's when the cook says he made off with one of the sacks of sugar they'd just got in."

>Wow he's really gotten around in like...two hours?

"Point is, ya gotta find him or he might force us to...put 'im down."

>That won't be necessary.

"Why?"

>Because he's up there clinging to a support column

'NOW, CHANGELINGS! DOGPILE THE ORANGE PRINCESS!'

[...]

'I SAID NOW! TONIGHT WE SHALL WREAK BLOODY VENGEANCE!'

[...]

'...well, come on, hurry up the fuse on this flash bomb I made can only last so-'

BOOM!

'MY EYYYYYYEEEEEE!'

His impromptu weapon having gone off in his face, 77 plummets to the ballroom floor, landing in a heap.

>For once, ignoring the problem worked out.

"So ya'll wanna tie him up and get him caught up on current events?"

>Already working on it, 90, 34, 10, get the rope!

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>Cadence
"SA"
'Chrysalis'
[AJ2]
"'Guard Pony"'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

>So...

"..."

>...How much longer is she going to be here?

"She'd be gone NOW if you'd just help me and magic love bomb-"

>DEAR! Not at the table! Applejack 2 is RIGHT THERE!

"...Wait, crap! You're right! Magic love bomb would hit her too! And 18. And 42 if she comes to visit. Probably 29 too, but that one I am more than okay with."

>...

"...There are a LOT of Changelings in my life, i just noticed."

'C'mon, white chocolate? Really?'

>2 likes it.

[It makes me think of marchmalleys! Like... marchmalleys, but chocolate! Cool, huh?]

'Ugh, well, at least you don't skimp on the good stuff for dinner.'

>Yes, and thank you so much for drinking all of our good wine. Not like it was a very expensive gift or anything, you enjoy'd it I'm sure.

'And how! Seriously, you and me need to get married. I fucking LOVE this place!'

"Why is everyone hung up on that?"

[Cause you're Shiny! Who wouldn't want ta' marry the bestest pony in the world? I would!]

>Dawww.

'Oh sure, when SHE does it, it's fine. Besides, if I'm being blunt here, if it meant staying in this place, I'd marry YOU, Cadence.'

>...I just ate.

"'Message for you, sire!"'

"Hand it to the giant smoke monster remnants of the old mad king, so he can hand it to the worlds most adorable changeling playing with her jingle ball, so she can hand it to the romance loving bug monster queen pestering me, so she can hand it to my pink alicorn wife, so I can file it away and either take care of it myself or wait for the other changeling to come around and impersonate my wife so she can do basic taxes paperwork."

"'..."

>...

'...'

[...]

"...What the fuck happened to my life?"

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>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~~~~

>Tia? Had a question.

"Did you now? Well, I certainly live to serve, ask away!"

>Well, that smug, saccharine voice tells me ya' know exactly what Ah'm gonna ask, but Ah'll do it anyway. Did ya'll have anythin' ta' do with Chrysalis's little trip to the Empire recently?

"Why, Applejack! I have no idea what you mean! However did she get clear over there. Oh, it must be my incompetent guards, letting her slip through the cracks yet again!"

>Uh huh...

"Well, surely that must not be too much of a problem. Why, Shining Armor has that handy anti-changeling shield! A quick zap and she'll be out of sight in no time, won't she?"

>Ya' know he can't do that, he'll hit Two.

"Oh no! You're right! He'll hit that poor, adorable little thing he's so fond of. Oh well, I suppose you could always go help, couldn't you? Surely you and he together could drag her back here?"

>Well, maybe Ah will!-

"Back here. To Canterlot. Where she will sit in our ballroom, steal our popcorn, play her movies at a deafening level, continually do worse and worse things to bring public opinion down, ensuring that your little integration plans are always for naught, stack up piles and piles of backlogged paperwork, and generally be a nuisance to you and all you do. All the while, Shining Armor is showing that his kingdom is better off than one with FIVE princesses running it. But oh, her endearing, lovable presence more than makes up for the political aspect of this. She's just so fun to be around."

>..Er-

"No no, I understand. Please, take as many guards as you like and head down there the moment you get the chance! I think they just released another batch of romance films about finding yourself, she'll be thrilled to be back."

>...maybe this is a good trainin' exercise fer' Shining Armor. Teach him ta' deal with the unexpected.

"Why, what a brilliant point, Applejack! I couldn't have said it better myself."

>..Yer scary, Celly.

"You don't know the half of it."

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>Applejack 12
"Cheerilee"
~~~~~

"Oh, I'm so glad you answered my ad for a teachers assistant! It's been getting so hard here lately, and I would just love an extra hoof or two!"

>...That picture is on fire.

"Yes dear, unfortunately your pretense awoke the Unchristened, they're the souls manifested by ponies who died before their wedding day you see, and they're rebelling against anything that depicts a happy life. Their aim must be off today, I have to say, because I'm pretty sure that's Silver Spoons picture..."

>Do you smell hatred?

"Oh, the beast of the lost gets like that sometimes, ignore him. SO! What makes you think you're qualified to help with education?"

>Does... does education normally entail a floating, headless bird?

"You have to be prepared for anything!"

>Anything. Like, say, the chalkboard turning into a mirror with a very pissed off looking demon attempting to break his way through on the other side?

"It gets crazy around here, for sure!"

>...Yeah, I don't think this is going to work out.

"Oh, I'm sad to hear that, but I completely understand. Teaching is a very strenuous profession, it's not for everyone. Thank you for coming around anyway."

>...If I were to dive for the door right now, what're my odds?

"One in six, deary. Best of luck!"

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>Shining Armor
"Chrysalis"
~~~~~~~~~

>Stop it.

"Noooope! Gonna keep sitting on your paperwork! Go ahead, call the guards again, that was hilarious!"

>You think it's hilarious to douse yourself in an entire gallon of milk and when the guards walk in say, "Oh, wow, your prince was really pent up!"

"Did you *see* their faces!? Priceless!"

>One of them seriously tried to hoofbump me.

"Hah! I-Oooooh, what do we have here?"

>Get away from that!

"A package, for Shiny, whoever could this be from? And what wonders lie inside?"

>Don't touch that box!

"A box of 'enhancement' pills? Maybe a magazine of an uncouth nature? Perhaps its... a box of cookies?"

>My mother made those!

"Your mom makes you cookies?"

>My mother is an amazing mare, thank you.

"Finally, we have something in common!"

>What?

"My mom was awesome!"

>Oh, that's nice-

"She used to pick me up and fly me all around the burning villages we left in our wake. I even once, no joking, I watched her rip the throat out of a manticore. Didn't even need to! It was hypnotized!"

>...Knew there was a catch.

"Oh man, you should have seen her when I said I wanted to start dating. She shot, like every non-Changeling male for five miles all around! Even gophers! Yeah, like I was seriously going to date a gopher, right?"

>Please stop.

"It was nice, you know? I mean, I know she didn't 'love' me love me during that, but I still liked it. She was one of the weird ones that didn't want a kingdom. Just devour everything and leave, that's the way to go! That's what she said. Just how she was."

>She sounds... niceish? I guess? I take it she's no longer around?

"A-doy! If she was around, I wouldn't exactly be all tall and sexy, would I?"

>What do you-

"I'm gonna eat all your cookies!"

>NO! THOSE ARE SHINY'S COOKIES! YOU DON'T TOUCH!

"I'm eatin' them!"

>NOOO! GIVE THEM BACK!

"Mwhahahaha!"

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>AJ 12
"Davenport"
~~~~~~~~~

>...Davenport?

"Hey, don't blame me. My actual parents came up with this."

>I know, it's just... I expected you to have something to do with your job, or to sound all fancy or girly.

"Tell me about it. I feel like the one pony in this whole freaking town who's name didn't come out of a childrens book."

>Huh... so, why Sofa's and Quills?

"Why NOT Sofa's and Quills, that's what you should be asking yourself."

>Well, it's just, those two things don't normally go together.

"...Get the fuck out of my building."

>But I-

"OUT!"

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>AJ12
“Pinkie Pie”
_________

The overhead doorbell to Sugarcube corner gives an ominous tingle….

>Hello? Uh, my name is AJ12 and I’m here about the baker’s assistant j--

A pink blur shoots out from behind the front counter and AJ12 finds himself thrown up against the wall, pinned by some hooves.

“Ooooooo, you’re the one I gotta interview today? That’s great! And I know great because the cupcakes I made this morning were the bestest I’ve ever baked!”

>Can… can you let me go…?

“Oh, you silly billy! Why would I do that? I gotta get a gooooood look at you, make sure you’re up to snuff because I’ll have you know that being assistant to the best baker in allllll of Equestria is no easy feat at all because in fact many ponies have perished trying to keep up with me because I’m here and I’m there and then I’m everywhere all at once trying to make sure I satisfy everypony at all times and I don’t think you’re pony enough to handle that!”

>Well, you got me there. I’m a Changeling, not a p--

“Buuuuuut, I suppose I could give you a try! You never know, you might be a better baker than even me! I’m joking, of course, because I’m the best and if you did do a better job than me and I got demoted to being YOUR assistant I might have to burn down Sugarcube Corner and start my entire life over again like the three times before so do you think you’re ready to give it a shot?”

>...If by ‘give it a shot’ you mean, diving out the window then yes.

And AJ12 promptly dove through the window, ignoring the shattering glass and the pink pony calling back to him as he galloped for dear life.

>This whole town is nuts!

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>AJ12
"Applebloom"
'Scootaloo'
~~~~~~~~

>...You're joking.

"Listen Mr, Ah'm trying to get mah' cutie mark in business management, and this entra...enteprop... this place o' work ain't gonna expand itself! Ah' need hard, worker, workers like YOU!"

>To sell fireworks.

"That's right! Ah'm gonna be the best firework salespony there ever was! Look, we even got ourselves a big ol' pile of them over there!"

>How did you get this listed in the paper? This job listing is really elegant.

"...Ah' might'a bribed Spike. But no more questions! Instead, Ah' want answers from you! You think you got what it takes ta-"

'SWEETIE BELLE NO!... You're supposed to light THIS side of the fuse! Otherwise it just goes off right away- oh no.'

"...Do ya'll have a mailin' address Ah' could possibly send an acceptance letter to? We seem to have hit a minor-"

*BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOM~!*

"-snag in our sales. We might need ta' lay off some ponies, actually."

>The horrors of the economy strike again.

"...Ya'll ain't very indestructible. 56 would'a just shaken that off without noticin', ya' look like yer' about ta' die."

>Oh no, it's just tuesday. I always look like I'm about to die on tuesday.

"Really?"

>No. Call a doctor.

"...Ya'll are gonna have ta' get off me first. Ah' mean, Ah' appreciate ya' takin' the hit for me an' everything, but yer' heavy."

>We seem to have reached an impasse. For you see, I can no longer feel my legs.

"...Are Scoots and Sweetie dead?"

>This is going to sound harsh, but a part of me kind of hopes so.

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>AJ42
"Applejack"
'77'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, how's he adjustin'-"

'THE BLOOD OF MY LESSERS SHALL SPILL!'

>...He's biting the other changelings.

"Ya' gonna go help them?"

>Nope. Poor guy picked 18."

"Eeeesh, how well's that workin' out for him?"

>Well, she's been absorbing secondhand love from Two for a while now, and apparently Shiny appreciates her or something, so long story short... She hasn't actually noticed him yet. He'll bounce off her and hit the ground, and she'll look up just a second too late and miss him.

"Should we tell her?"

>Nah. I think she thinks this place is haunted now. It's kind of funny.

"...Ya' ain't jealous she's gettin' more praise from Shining Armor than you are, right?"

>....Shut up.

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