The big controversy last time I did it was a Caitlyn Jenner joke. Outrage on Twitter the next day. I mean a couple of people going, “It was transphobic.” It wasn’t transphobic in the slightest. It was a joke about a trans person, but it had nothing to do with that aspect of her existence. And that’s the other thing about offense. People mistake the subject of a joke with the actual target. They’re not necessarily the same. I’ll tell you the joke, you make your minds up. It’s live, so they go, “Your host for the 68th Annual Golden Globes Awards, please welcome Ricky Gervais.” They’re all clapping, the actors are smiling at me. Nervously. It’s brilliant, right? So, I just go, “Relax, I’m gonna be nice tonight. I’ve changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously.” And I go, “Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course.” And what a year she’s had. Became a role model for trans people everywhere, bravely breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers…” That’s a clever joke. I’ll tell you why. Right? It’s layered. No, listen, right? The subject of that joke is stereotypes. I’m playing with the notion of stereotypes. I start by saying she’s a real woman, a liberal, progressive attitude. Then if she’s a real woman, I hit them with the old-fashioned stereotype. She must be a bad driver, then. Right? The target of the joke is a celebrity killing someone in their car. Let’s not forget that, shall we? A celebrity killing someone in their car, running home and popping on a dress. That’s… the target of the joke, just so we’re clear. Okay? She was interviewed a week later at a press conference for a show of hers. Now cancelled. And… one of the press said, “What do you think of the Ricky Gervais joke?” She went, “Maybe I should host the Golden Globes.” And they tweeted that and @-ed me in, because they want a celebrity feud. It was clickbait. I rose to the bait. Obviously… I just sent back, “Let her host. Just don’t let her drive.” Another website that was in the room, Entertainment Weekly, they tweeted a different headline, and they @-ed me in. Their headline was “Caitlyn finally breaks silence over Ricky Gervais.” I just sent back: “At last. She always brakes too late.” Bring it on. Bring it on. But I’m a considered comedian. I like my jokes to be accurate and my targets to be fair. So I was engaging these people, saying, “Why is it transphobic?” They said, “It’s about a trans person.” That’s ridiculous. That’s like saying a joke about Bill Cosby is automatically racist. It depends on the joke. But I’m willing to learn. I found out my crime was that I dead-named her. I’d never heard that term before a day after the Golden Globes. And that was saying her old name, and even acknowledging she used to be a man. But she did! I saw him on the Olympic Games! He was a decathlete, he was in everything! All over the place! Shot put and pole vault. He won a medal! He was famous! He was on telly all the time, you know? A big… famous… man. With a huge… I don’t know. I’m guessing. Probably. He was big. But I’ve learnt my lesson. Now I know it’s wrong. I’d never dead-name her now. But, years ago, when she was a… man… Years ago, I’m saying. And she went to the… doctor… and… knocked on the door. The doctor went, “Come in!” This is years ago. I’d never dead-name her now, but this is like… a flashback before anyone… You know what… so… so, like, “Come in!” And he went, “Hello, Bruce Jenner.” Because that… that was his name… then. The doctor– This was years ago… The doctor went, “All right, Bruce Jenner, how you doing, you fucker? You big old lunk. How you doing? Come here, you, you fucker. How you doing, Brucie boy?” And Bruce Jenner– That was his name. This is years ago. Right? So… Bruce Jenner went, “Yeah. Yeah, not too bad, Doctor. Yeah.” “What can I do for you, Bruce, you fucker? How you doing, boy?” And Bruce Jenner went– That was his name. Bruce Jenner went… “Look at that.” The doctor went, “Come on, Bruce Jenner, you know the rules.” He uses his whole name every time, for some reason… “Come on, Bruce Jenner, you fucker. You know the rules. You can’t bring your big old pole vaulting pole in here, mate.” Bruce Jenner went, “No, that’s not my pole, that’s my enormous penis.” “Well, seeing as it’s your penis, you can bring it in here. But you should have left your shot puts outside.” And Bruce Jenner went… That was his name for… fifty-eight years, I think. He went, “No, they’re not my shot puts, Doctor, they’re my enormous testicles.” That’s where I keep my testosterone, and my spunk, and shit, right? And the doctor went, “Oh yeah. That makes perfect– I’m a medical man. You’re a big bloke. You fucker. How you doing, boy? You’re a big… You’re big, and you would have a big old… cock and… balls. They’re beautiful.” Bit familiar, innit? “No, you must be very proud of them, Bruce.” Bruce went, “This is going to surprise you, Doctor. I wanna get rid of them.” And the doctor went, “What? Why?” “Oh, they get in the way.” “In the way of what?” “Fucking driving, for one thing!”

So, I’m engaging these people, and I’m saying, “But I had to say her old name. That’s the joke. I say, “I’ve changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner.” Then I do the joke.” But, no. This is my second crime. I say, she hasn’t changed. She’s always identified as a woman. That means she’s a woman. Fine, if that’s the rules. If you feel you’re a woman, you are. I’m not a bigot who thinks having all that done is science going too far. In fact, I don’t think it’s going far enough. Cause I’ve always identified as a chimp, right? Well, I am a chimp. If I say I’m a chimp, I am a chimp. Pre-op. But… Don’t ever dead-name me. Don’t call me Ricky Gervais again. From now on, you call me Bobo. I’m gonna have species realignment. I’m halfway there. I’m short, with short legs and long arms. I stoop. My back’s getting hairier by the day. I’ve got fangs, like that. I love nuts. I love nuts. Once, I was at the zoo, and people were looking at me, so I just started masturbating, like… So… I am a chimp, right? I am a chimp if I say I’m a chimp. I’ve got to live as a chimp for a year. Then have hormones, get me all nice and hairy. That’d be lovely. I’m gonna stay a male chimp… so I can keep all that, right? Male, heterosexual chimp. Keep the same girlfriend. Jane would be happy. She loves me, she loves chimps, so… You know. I reckon that’s got to be easier for a man to turn into a chimp, we’re so close, than for a man to turn into a woman, in many ways. A bit of hair, and a top lip like that, as opposed to your cock and balls ripped off… and a hole gouged out, into– I’m not a doctor! But that is… the gist of it. I know which one I’d rather have done. I’m not saying chimps are better than women. No way. Right? Any ladies here? I can’t see you, but, to me, every single one of you is equal… to a chimp. So… So, I’d have all that done, hair and that. I’d do all that, all the… I’ll retain the ability to speak English. Like in emergencies. I’m talking to Jane, she’s going, “What is it?” “What is it, Bobo?” “You left the fucking oven on! There’s a fire!” Are you saying that if Caitlyn Jenner was being chased by a wolf, and there was a big fence but she had a long pole, she’d… revert. She’d be over that fucking… Easy. So I’d have all that done. Top lip. Doing all that. Right? I’ll be legally a chimp. I’ll be well… properly chimped-up. I’ll be able to use chimp toilets! I’ll be walking along, holding Jane’s hand. “Come on, Bobo.” Right? We don’t hold hands now. I don’t know why she’s all over me now I’m a chimp. But we’ll be all in love. Maybe matching jumpers. “Come on, Bobo.” In love. Just two… Like that. Then, if a bigot in a van slows down and goes, “That’s fucking disgusting.” I’ll fling shit at him and run up a tree. And that’s why that joke isn’t transphobic. So… Cheers.