To whom it may concern,
I wish to register a complaint; I sincerely hope that by writing to you, you will ensure through your personal intervention that a mutually satisfactory solution will be reached so I will not have to take further action on this subject.
On Friday I purchased a ‘Toilet for Snuggly Bunnies' from Amazon for myself and my family while we were on holiday at the Can Cera Hotel in Palma Mallorca. We went away for two weeks. We have just returned home after what can only be described as a catalogue of catastrophe with the snuggly bunny toilet: there was a large demon inside the toilet who kept fingering my wife’s ass – this was deeply depressing especially as my wife was enjoying it/ one time I done a shit down the toilet and the shit bounced back and now there is shit all over my Armani jeans. To top that off I broke my bum as it was hardly ‘snuggly’ – it had spikes all over it! It was also covered in skid marks; it also kept laughing at my small Willy! – I have the receipt if nessacary; its quality was more akin to what one might expect of a cheap Chinese one. In short, the snuggly bunny toilet was a disaster because of all the above problems, we all had a thoroughly dreadful time with it having previously been looking forward to buying it for a while.
As you can imagine we were less than impressed given that the snuggly bunny toilet cost an excess of £10,000,000,000. I can only imagine that this was an extraordinary departure from your usual high standards and that, in the circumstances, you will want to do everything in your power to restore my faith in your company’s commitment to top quality customer care. Let me assure you now that a weak dismissive two-line apology from your Customer Service Department will not suffice. I expect to hear back from you with a substantive and meaningful response within 14 days or I will have to take further action as previously stated.