The Six (3/27/12) (never finished)

> Incredibly bored, single, very well paying job
> Not interested in relationships, more of a problem solver
> Decide to look for a pet one day that you could turn into a 'pet' project.
> Hear about fluffy pony adoption center
> Also hear about fluffy pony farms
> Heavily research beyond the typical "They die as easily as it is to find sand in the desert."
> Learn that certain fluffy ponies are capable of intelligence, learning, understanding.
> Also learn that they are capable of incredible acts of stupidity, even going as far as recordings of fluffy ponies saying "soh stooped! Why do dat?!" to their dimmer counterparts.
> Spend six months gathering an incredible sum of money to perform a private test on dozens of farms, adoption centers, and pet stores.
> Work out a few tests to give to the fluffies you will be visiting.
> A mixture of basic math, problem solving, emotional, and other tests ranging from problems even a fluffy pony could solve up to a few statistics questions, the last one is more of a joke.
> No harm in throwing them in just in case.
> Gather everything required for the tests in pickup truck, paper, shape blocks, puzzles, note cards with hundreds of questions you have come up with in your spare time at work.
> Ohboyherewego.jpg long week ahead of babbling stupidity.
> God, please let there be at least one.

> Decide to start small, visit most local adoption center.
> Pull up in pickup truck, the owner is friendly and gets the staff to help me unload.
> Owner is genuinely interested to see if I can find a smart fluffy at his center, he's even gone as far as 'teaching' them the past two weeks prior to my visit.
> Fluffies are in their cages when you walk by them to the back area of the adoption center.
> An explosion of "NEW FWEND?!" , "Pway?" , "Hungwee!", and "Why weeggies cold?" erupts as you walk by each cage.
> You quickly set up everything in the room, you ask to see each fluffy individually seeing as if they came in groups they might cheat or distract each other.
> Volunteer happily brings in first fluffy, a light green pegasus
> Fluffy is ecstatic to see you, flapping its wings and trying to kick its way out of the volunteers hand to get to you.
"New dawdee!"
> Fluffy pony manages to say as its set down, the volunteer closes the door leaving you standing with zero expression on your face as the fluffy pony hops around your legs.
> You bend down and grab the fluffy pony, its huge blue eyes starring at you.
"Hugsie?"
>The fluffy asks.

> You set the fluffy down without a hug directly in front of you on a small bench that you made for fluffy ponies.
> To get the best result from this experiment you have to go with lack of love, lack of anger. You need to ensure neutrality in terms of emotions and to make sure the fluffy understands.
" We will play a game, you are going to be playing against your friends here. If you win you will go home with me, you will speak -only- when you are answering a question. If you loose you go back to your cage, it's that simple."
> You address the fuzzball in front of you as its face goes from a smile at the word game, to a sealed mouth, to a semi-confused look.
> Fluffy pony tilts its head in confusion before its tiny mind can grasp what you are saying.
> Fluffy pony bobs its head furiously up and down, seeming to understand the meaning behind this visit finally.
> First test, word association.

> Explain what the test is once and give it ten seconds to understand.
> Fluffy bobs its head once again, beaming at the thought of being brought home with you.
> Words like fire, water, fall, human, fluffy, pony, poison, death, life, light, dark, murder, birth, and others are shown to the fluffy.
> The green Pegasus flapped its wings in frustration at some words trying in vain to think of a way to word it in its limited baby talk, but it managed to prove it had a general understanding of the words.
> one test down, six more to go, have to do all 7 tests on the 47 fluffies in adoption center. Fuckmylife.exe [Unicorns had an 8th test based on magic.]
> Test the fluffy based on word association, sentence structure, math, logic, critical thinking, moral choices, and day to day problems that a human would encounter.
> Six hours later, it's 2pm and the fluffies at this point are all babbling and trying to act their smartest. Some of them even forcing out complete sentences rolling akwardly off their tounge.
> Check watch, missed new MLP. well shit, oh well it'll be on youtube later.
> Last fluffy to be tested, a purple unicorn that's shaking and looking around furiously.
> look at purple unicorn, write down notes based on how its not doing the typical "pway! pway!" act.
> Look up to see purple unicorn is looking directly at you and the notebook.
> Get to name slot.
"What is your name?"
> you ask in the most deadpan neutral voice possible.

> The purple unicorn opens its mouth to speak in a voice you were looking forward to hearing when you got home.
"Twilight..."
> Stopeverything.png
"...Sparkle?"
> You say while looking up.
>The purple fluffy unicorns eyes open up wide enough to show the dumbfounded shock on her face.
> You share the expression.
> Look around room, slap self to make sure you're not sleeping. Nope.avi this is fucking real.
> Twilight seems to relax a little seeing that you're freaking out as much as she is currently.
> Stand up in your chair and immediately place your hand on your forehead in the "What the fuck do I do now?" pose.
"How do you know who I am?"
> Twilight asks adjusting herself on the hard wooden bench.
> You sit back down in your chair and began filling in the boxes to ensure she won from this.
"Erm...how do you know who I am?"
>Twilight asks a tad more nervous this time.
> You look up at her semi-panicked before regaining your composure.
"Before I answer that, How do I know you're the real twilight and not a fluffy imitating her?"
> A magical backhand answers that question, no fluffy would even have that much magic in them.
> Fair enough you think, That's her alright.
" It's a long story, but why in the name of god are you here?"
> You rub your right cheek asking her. whathefuckman I was just pimp smacked by twilight.
> Decide against hitting her, if that's twilight you could kiss your sweet ass goodbye.
"Get me out of here and Ill tell you."
>She says with a responding deadpan in her own voice.

> Why the fuck not, even if she isn't twilight shes the only fluffy here who has enough brain to have a normal conversation.
> Ask the owner of the adoption center If there was anymore fluffies.
" Well, I was gonna ask ya but five others came in with that one."
> The center owner points his finger at twilight
> To good to be true, ask to see them all at once.
> Owner shruges and brings the box with the rest of what looks exactly like the mane 6 but fluffy and tiny to you.
> The teal one and the orange one are arguing over whos fault this is, the white one is crying over its hair, the pink one is rubbing itself and saying "SO FUZZY!" every few seconds while a yellow Pegasus sits in the corner completely surrounding itself with its own fluff.
> practically tear pants off when reaching for wallet and shoving nearly $400.00 in the mans incredibly surprised face.
> Refuse to pay less and pick up twilight on the way out after filling out the proper paperwork.
> Pick up twilight on the way out in your arms and go to your pickup truck.
> Put them in the passenger seat with a towel under the box, just incase they have as much bowel control as a normal fluffy pony.
> drive home at the speed of slow and terrified of accidents.
> Manage to get home safely. You live on a rather large ranch by yourself, no ranch animals just property seeing as you love the quiet.
> Open box up to immediately be smacked in the face by the teal pegasus fluffy
> You reel backwards as she rockets out of the box and flies around the room before Twilight grabs her and holds her still.
> Carefully while rubbing your left eye you pick up each one of the fluffies and place them in your living room.
" Do any of you need anything before we begin?"

> The orange one speaks up with a southern drawl you knew was coming.
" Ah wanna go home!"
> knew this was coming, think fast.
"I want to help you get home, otherwise I wouldn't have just rescued you all from that place."
> Pinkie giggles
" That place was fun! so many new fluffy friends!"
> Oh that pinkie.
> twilight has immediately trotted off to your library/office, the rest of them are starring at you while you awkwardly try to get an understand of what the hell is going on.
" Look, im just as confused as you are. More so, you're TV icons here. And yet you're standing right here. Infront of me."
> Pinkiepie is bouncing around room seeming to only half care about what you're saying, approaching electrical socket with fluffy hair. Ohgod.jpeg
> Slow-mo jump and grab pinkie just before she touches electrical socket.
> The other ponies in the room gasp at this sudden act not understanding how lethal their fur is when exposed to electricity, fire, water, more or less anything.
> Applejack manages to floor you somehow despite her size, and rainbowdash lands on top of you.
"What's the big idea huh?! You want to help us but you just hit pinkie!"
> Get up and proceed to explain to them how accident prone and near lethal their fur is.
> Rainbowdash immediately stops flying and fluttershy sticks her head out of her fluffy body in fear of suffocation.

(Originally posted on 4chan's /mlp/, thread 845948, 2012 March 26-27, under the tripcode !nlBGRwqJnI.)