Thread 3: Stories 90-105

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>Spike
"Rarity"
'Applejack'
~~~~~
"Spikey! What a pleasant surprise, I almost never see you with how all the other princesses pull you every way like some piece of taffy. Speaking of which, darling, care for some saltwater and gold taffy? It's made with real gold"

>Rarity... We need to talk. Like, have a serious talk.

"Darling, you don't need to say a word-"

>Then you'll-

"Of course I love you too."

>...

"Spikey wikey?"

>That's... Not what I'm here for at all. Your spending, embezzling, and- well, everything is out of control! This has to stop, Rarity, weren't you the Element of Generosity? What about that giving pony I- I-... That fell in love with?

"She's still here darling... But, I'm a princess now and princesses are entitle-"

>No! Stop right there, Twilight still lives in the damn library, Applejack works her ass off each day and night no matter how jaded and cynical she's gotten. And looking at Luna and Cadence, we both clearly see what happens when a ruler sits on their ass, Celestia shows what happens when you even put less than a one hundred percent effort into things! I don't know what fairy tales you read, but a princess, a REAL princess EARNS everything they get and then gives it back to the people they've earned it from a hundred fold.

"... Spikey, are you telling me you don't like me anymore?"

>... Not when you're like this... Look, I came here to ask you, beg you to at least stop bleeding Equestria's economy dry, or at least not hoof bits out of hospital renovations. ... But you aren't, are you?

"..."

>I'm sorry, I came here looking for Rarity and found a stranger. I'm sorry for bothering you, Princess.

As Spike leaves, he hears Rarity begin sobbing and gorging herself further and shout and scream at her servants.

'Spike! Hey, lil' partner, you look down, you gonna be alri-'

>Give me the gun, Applejack.

'...'

>Give me the gun!

*Spiiinnn*

*Click*

>Dammit...

AUTHOR DECLARED ENDING NON CANON
CANON ENDING FOLLOWS

'Spike! Hey, lil' partner, you look down, you gonna be alri-'

>Give me the gun, Applejack.

'...'

>Give me the gun!

Instead of his demands, Applejack pulls Spike into his forelegs and lets him cry.

>Dammit...

'Gonna need some time off, sugarcube?'

>No... No... More than ever, I need to work. I need to do something. Anything to try to fix my home.

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>Chrysalis
“Applejack2”
______

>You’ve been fra… fuh… fertilizing with the target for quite some time now, minion two! Tell me, what have you found out?

“Question!”

>...okay.

“What’s a minion?”

>You mean you don’t know?

“Nope!”

>Shit, I was hoping you did… Well, it’s not important! I just… saw a lot of evil villains in my movies call their followers that so I figured I… never mind that! I wan to know--

“And you used the wrong word!”

>What?

“It’s fraganize, not fertilize!”

>...why did I create you again? Anyway, what have you found out Shining Armor?

“Ooooh, lots!”

>Finally, good news. Go on, go on!

“Weeeeeell, Shiny really loves the biscuits I cook for him even though they make him choke and twitch on the floor! But he says they taste great! And, uh, he’s really soft. Smells like dirt most of the time but I don’t mind. He’s mostly tired and sad so I cheer him up! And- oh! He buys me marchmalley’s when it’s cold outside!”

*Chrysalis slowly lowers the pen and paper she had ready to jot down information with, the look on her face vacant*

>Is… is that all?

“Yup!”

>I… where do you get all this love from? It’s almost leaking off you in droves!

“Shiny! He has plenty to give since his wife barely notices him half the time! So he gives it to me and I give him smiles!”

>…

“Anything else you needed, boss bug?”

>*siiiigh* No… no, that’s a good report, 2. You can go back to ‘spying’ on Shining. Make sure he buys you double the marshmallows next time.

“What’re those?”

>...nothing. Get going, you.

“Okay! Bye-bye!”

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>Princess Applejack
=spike
-Celestia


Spin BOOM Celesta fell to the ground the clack of the gun hitting the floor.
>Well Ah' recon you earned some time off have fun in your coma.

Applejack was not to surprised at this. She was expecting this to happen for awhile now. In fact she was looking foreword to it.
=not for nothing Applejack but shouldn't we be more concerned about this?
> Naw her medical bills will only be a tiny fraction of her cake budget. With all those extra bits I can finally do some real reformin. Real books for equestias schools, stipends to reduce the smog in filyadelphia, and even get the changelings out of the ballroom.

= so we just have a month to fix every problem in Equestria seems legit.

> Ah' don't think you understand just how many bits are in Celestias cake budget.

One month later

Celestia awoke eyes fluttering

>Well this is one time where its all been my fault.

-Applejack I can't even wake up from a coma with out you blaming m-wair did you say it's your fault?

>Yeah apparently your cake budget was one of the foundations that Equestira was buitl on.

-... What?

> Ya see when you took your leave of consciousness Ah' took your cake budget ad was determined to fix Equestria. However the massive influx of bits into the economy caused more inflation then the last cherry at a fruit stand.

-Am I still out. Luna is this you. I thought you would visit sooner.

>Sorry but this aint no dream.

-well I don't see what the problem is with my cake budget going back to its rightful place the rest of the physical policy should right itself soon enough.

> well its a bit more complicated now. At the time most ones were fine with an all cake diet they even started to make it a holiday but at the end of the week the reported cases of diabetes sky rocketed. And so more bits needed to fund the expanding healthcare.

-okay Applejack nice welcome back prank but don't we have better thigs to do the spin tall tales.

>thats not even the worst of it. the now nation wide demand for cake was so great that riots broke out all over Equestria.The diabetic riots that soon erupted caused more chaos than Discord.

-and now im guessing you want me to fix everything?

>well I was hopin you had some ideas

-luckily for you the same thing happened when I stared the cake budget early in the kingdoms inception.

> so what do we gotta do?

- Its simpler than you might think just change what we pay for the cakes with. And the monetary system will works itself out soon enough.

> you know that just might work

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>Applejack
"Twilight"
~~~~~~
>...

"... So..."

>Everythin' looks in good order, Twi. Thanks fer all yer hard work.

"Oh! Uhh... you don't notice anything out of place?"

>Nope. Nothin', it all looks good. You've even built up a nice surplus fer yer next project. Ya know what? Ah'm gonna approve o' this new University you wanna build an' even back ya wit' bits from mah own coffers!

"You... Really like it?"

>What can Ah say? This whole princess dealys made me understand tha value of a solid education wit'out insane school teachers.

Twitch

"And you see nothing wrong with my proposal FOR a university?"

>Well shoot, why wouldn' Ah, yer even workin' on exlorin' new fields an' applications o' earth pony and pegasi magic fer tha curriculum, what's not ta love?

Pop!

>Twi? Uh... Yer eye, sugarcu-

"I ADJUSTED MY SPENDING COSTS BY POINT ZERO ZERO ZERO ONE PERCENT! I EXAGGERATED MY SURPLUS BY FIVE BITS! AND MY UNIVERSITY PROPOSAL HAS ONE POINT THIRTY THREE PERCENT OF THE BUDGET ATOLLED TO HUMANITIES AND THEATER ARTS DEPARTMENTS!"

>Ah know, Ah corrected those fer ya. Except that last part, didn't know 'bout that.

"WHY AREN'T YOU YELLING AT ME THEN?"

>Eh, small things, no need ta get upset.

Twilight storms out.

"ARGH"

>Always a pleasure chattin' wit' ya, Twi!"

Epilogue...
Hours later, in Applejack's office after she's left...

"If Applejack can't find a fault in me I'll MAKE a fault!"

She takes out a six ounce glass she took from the kitchens, sets it on a coaster on Applejack's applewood desk and fills it with chocolate milk.

And then...

She removes the coaster from underneath and teleports away to the kitchens, cackling maniacally.

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>Hey Cel-

"Applejack, before you unload whatever trivial problem you've brought before me today, let me ask you something"

>Uh, sure thing princess

"Do you ever bother any of the OTHER princesses with these things? Maybe ask Luna once in a while?"

>Well, ah... shucks, not really, but this one's fer y-

"That's what I thought! How about, just this once, you bother someone *else* with your budgeteering?"

>But it-

"No, I simply must dash. Ta ta dear, places to be, balls of flaming death to pilot."

[Later]

"APPLEJACK!!!"

>Yes, 'Lesty?

"One: Never call me that again, or the next solar eclipse is going to be distinctly applejack shaped."

"Two: WHERE ARE MY CATERING STAFF!?"

>That's what the letter this morning was about, consarnit! The kitchen staff are on strike! somethin' about worker's rights and not having our cake and eating it.

"..."

>It's your fault, I tried to tell you!

"..."

>Lemme guess, "Ah know it's my fault, oh well, off to play rust stain roullade?"

"My cakes... *sniffle*"

>Aww jeez.

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>Cheerilee
"Applejack 56"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Thank you for meeting with me, 56. I just wanted to check in and make sure you're adjusting to the new school okay. I know how hard it can be to mingle with a new place. How are you doing?

"Flowerplot, I'm going to be straight with you. Perfectly, bluntly straight with you...."

>.....

"....This place is amazing! I'd heard so much how you ponies were these wimpy, silly little things that never did anything fun, but they were so wrong! Sweet plots in the heavens, this place is so fun! My first day? Someone tried to kill me! With an acid bomb! I had to pay someone to try that back home. There's never a single boring moment here!"

>..Uh huh...

"And the booty, oh, sweet nectar of the gods, the booty! I mean, I already knew I was off to a good start when I saw you and your blooming backside, but mine cup runnith over! Did you SEE that pony running that cake shop? Oh...OH! So beautiful!"

>G-glad to hear it.

"Thanks so much for letting me study here. This has just been... *sniff* it's just been the best time of my life."

>There... there, no need to cry.

"Well, thanks for checking in on me, but I gotta jet. Flatflank just got her order of thermite in! I'm gonna jump out of the watch the look on her face! Bye!"

>....No, mind-spider, I don't think this will backfire at all, why do you say that?....Shut up squidmonkey, you don't know.

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>Applejack
"Cadence"
'Shining Armor'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'At last!'

"I know, sorry we don't get to do this as much as we both want, but the trials of royal life take their toll."

'I'm just glad it's actually really you this time, and not Applejack whoever again.'

"And I'm glad Applejack 2 is out of the castle at the moment. Finally, we're all... alone..."

*Door to their bedroom blows off it's hinges*

>CADENCE!

"NOT IT!"

*Cadence bolts out the window, tearing off into the sky and leaving a dumbstruck Shining Armor on the bed*

>Get back here ya' little varmit! Yer' gonna answer fer-... oh, hey Shiny, didn't see ya' there. Well, Ah' guess Ah' can ream you fer' this fuckup! How'd ya' let somethin' like this slip past- what're you doin'?

'...."

>Sug', don't you start somethin' unless you plan ta' finish it-HEY WAIT A MINUTE! SHINING ARMOR YOU PUT ME DOW-

*CHUCK!*

*Screams of rage get quieter.*

*Crashing sound in the distance.*

'....Cadence? She's goooone! Come back here so we can-'

*Candece drops back in*

"HOW COULD YOU!?"

'...Wha-'

"I thought wife-toss was special! YOU TOLD ME IT WAS SPECIAL!"

'N-no, I was just trying to get rid of-'

"Well if that's how you feel, then you can just toss yourself! I'm going to stay with Twilight over the weekend!"

'Wait, NO! She didn't mean anything to me, I swear it! It was just a physical thing!'

"I'll see you next week! GOODBYE!"

*Pink magic puts the door back on it's hinges, then slams it shut*

'.....I WAS THINKING OF YOU WHEN I WAS DOING IT!'


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*Door opens, Cadence sticks her head through it.*

<It's a long shot bu->

'No. 18.'

<Cant blame me for trying, AJ2's in the park chasing ducks if you want her.>

'Thanks.'


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>Applejack
“Celestia*
~~~~~~~~

>Hey, ‘Tia! Ah need-

*BANG*

*a bullet whizzed into the chamber door right next to Applejack*

>WHAT THE BUCK? Yer’ supposed to aim that at yer’ head, not at me! That almost hit mah wing!

“See, this thing must be busted. I aim it anywhere else and it fires without fail. I point it at my head and--”

*spinnnnn- click!*

“--nothing. There must be some force of fate at work here.”

>Yeah, the force that wants y’all to actually do some goldarned work! Now, if’n yer’ through with target practice, Ah got some cake-related news.

“Go ooooon….”

>That special cake, the one to celebrate sortin’ out our one-thousandth form? Pinkie Pie just called and said the Cakes were finally done with it! Said it only took ‘em ‘bout two or three weeks an’… an’… y’all can stop droolin’ now….

“O-oh, what? Sorry….”

>Gross… but anyway, Ah’m goin’ down there to pick it up. Takin’ AJ56 with me.

“Because that’s a smart idea, right?”

>Hey, the lil’ fella enjoys Ponyville. Despite it, y’know, bein’ on the brink of an economic collapse. An’ he’s been doin’ well in school accordin’ to Miss Cheerilee-

“Because she’s so stable in the mind, right?”

>Ya want the cake or not?

“...okay, fine. Just go. Quickly. I’ve been waiting on that bad boy for so long I’ve started having dreams about it.”

>Do me a favor, though.

“Yes?”

>If things do go belly-up while we’re out there, keep that gun loaded fer’ me.

“It’s never not loaded nowadays.”


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*Applejack stomps back up to the door*

>Shining, AH' AM GOING TO BUCK YER' NUTS CLEAR TA APPLOOSA-

'Applejack, did you ever play that ruskin rubles game Celestia plays?'

>....Whhhhy?

'Because you interrupted something very important earlier, and my wife has gone away. So we're going to play that game right now.'

>Huh?

'Right now, on the other end of this door, I might be cowering in fear of your return, I might be doing some work to vent my frustration, I might be coloring in a book to relive some childhood fancy, I might be re-organizing my game collection, I might be sitting in the corner and crying to myself, or... I might be handling the situation you caused earlier. Alone. In my room. With the door locked.'

>...Hmm.

'One in six chance, Applejack. So go head, if you want. Spin the barrel, and PULL THE TRIGGER, IF YOU DARE!'

>...

"...."

>...Okay, ya'll win. *leaves*

"No, I think pretty much everyone lost with this one."




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*Huff*

*Huff*

*Wheeze*

>"Uh, Rarity?"

"GAAAAH!"

*Thud*

*Rumble, rumble rumble rumble*

*SLAM!*

>"Huh, rather surprised that pillar stayed u-"

*A tile of the marbled hall falls down and plinks off of Rarities horn as the white Alicorn still looking more like Sailor Marshmellow Puff than a regal princess rolls over and glares daggers at her orange peer.*

"Honestly Darling, MUST you sneak up on ponies like that!? I nearly had a heart attack!"

*Rarity looks down past her many chins and alights her horn as a subtle thump it heard *

"You did give me a heart attack!"

>"Well itsa good thing that ya'll are immortal huh?"

"Quite, now if you'll excuse me..."

*Rarity starts to make the climb up her floating platform once again. Seeing the gravid mare struggle Applejack comes along side to watch in morbid facination.*

>"So...ya'll wanna tell me what brought this all on?"

"I...ha...have had....ha....a revelation..."

>Cocking an eyebrow Applejack continues "Oh?"

"Yes....I....have...rather ha...let my OH SPARKLESTONES!"

*Thud*

*Laying down flat Rarity stays down on the ground as she starts to queitly sob. Concerned Apple jack comes alongside the quaking flesh and gingerly pats her side.*

>"There there whats your revalation Sugarcube?"

"IM FAT!"

>Wails the alicorn as she also adds in with a sniffle.

"And I've broken my poor spikey wikeys heart...."

>"So Ya'll want to win him back huh?"

"...yes."

>"Well to start with we can put you down on the same diet as Luna's and we'll see if you cant lose a few pounds..."

*Grinning wickedly Applejack also continues her train of thought*

>"Carryin the paperwork that needs filin might also help ya shed a few pounds as well ifn you willing."

"OhmylookatthetimeImustvisitdearLunaonthatdietsheet,Taa!"

*Waving off a cloud of smoke left behind Applejack chuckles to herself.

>"Heh, that got her going."

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"..." Luna.
'...' AJ56.

---

'Hi Princess LovelyButt.'

"...Greetings yet again, young changeling."

'...'

"Thou hath come to view Mine posterior, yes?"

'Yup.'

"...~Sigh~..."

For weeks now, this pervertedly innocence changeling had been regularly visiting her; the princess of the moon. Initially she ignored him; it was not his own place to reside. He persisted however, continuing to visit her late in the hours. Eventually his compliments, incessant motive, and pure ability to ignore the obvious discontent the princess was harbouring for him, Luna gave up attempting to ignore or get rid of the little bug.

She simply sat down, played her games, and did what she did. The only difference was the little voyeur sitting behind her, gazing longingly at her massive plot upon the cushion she so favoured.

There was a time when she had returned from the lavatory that the changeling had been sleeping soundly on the warm seating that comforted her rear, snuggling further into the fabric.

It was perverted, yet undeniably cute.

"...~Sigh~... You won't leave Us be, will you?"

'I will.'

Luna perked up considerably.

"Thou will?"

'Y'know, if you want me too... I mean, you're looking at me odd all the time, but I just think you're beautiful, you know? You don't seem to see it, you think you're fat or something... Even Princess AppleJack says your butt's too big, but her butt's only a little less massive..."

Where was he going with this, Luna wondered.

'An' it's just, your butts so comfy, y'know? I'd want it as a pillow all the time. But, like, anyway, you're awesome the way you are, you know? It's just like... you know.'

Luna was smiling despite herself. He was so blunt it was silly. But it was endearing in the strangest way, because he meant what he said. Regardless of the same way the Guard saw her, this changeling didn't ogle her out of sexual desire.

Or, at least, she thought he didn't?

Either way, she liked this bug a little.

"Young changeling, would thoust like to join Us? We are playing games."

'I'd love to do stuff with you, Princess LovelyButt!'

"...Our name is Luna, young changeling."

'Make ya a deal. I'll call you Luna if you call me 56. 'Cos that's my nickname.'

"You do have a deal, 56."


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>Applejack 2
"Shining Armor"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>....You okay Shiny?

"Completely fine."

>Okay...

"..."

>It's just that, well, the guard yelled at me for getting too close to the water.

"That was a good thing he did, Applejack 2. You have holes in your legs, swimming must be very difficult."

>Yeah, I get that, and it is, but...

"I know, the water is shallow. So shallow you can sit in it and be fine. But it's also slippery. You shouldn't go in the water, Applejack 2. The guard yells at ponies who do that."

>So is he going to yell at you?

"Don't worry, I'm Prince of the Empire, remember? I outrank him in the yelling department."

>...Aren't you cold?

"The coldness of this earth cannot possibly match the non-coldness I need to put out right now."

>...You're scaring the ducks.

"I feel for them, really I do."

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>Rarity
"..." Applejack

We join our heroine of common sense as she sits at her desk, shaking her head as she finds yet another misappropriation in the budget
"Consarnit Tia! You've been here fer a thousand years, yit you still haven't managed to run a single part of this country right. Just look at-"
Suddenly, the papers on her desk start shifting as a rythmic thumping comes from the hall
"What could this racket possibly be?"
Her answer makes it self obvious as the door opens to reveal none other than Princess Rarity, obviously winded from the effort of walking to Applejack's room.
>Applejack *wheeze* my dear, *wheeze* I need something from you!

"What is it now, princess marshmellow? Some more gold gilded gems?"

>Why, nothing of the sort! You see, I was reading something Twilight had recommended to me to get me into "Science Fiction" or whatever and came across a lovely idea.

"Lemme guess, was the book, by any chance, Dune?"

>Why, it most certainly was! How astute.

"And you read up to the Baron Harkowhosits?"

>Harkonnen, and yes.

"You want the magic fat carrier thingamabobs, don't you?"

>I'm appalled! You don't think I'm going to be this size forever do you? I'll have you know I'm currently on an exercise plan that will get me to my old weight in no time at all!

"Well, ah say Rarity, that's quite impressive for somepony who was grossed out by the idea of sweat."

>Why thank you, but it appears I need to go get back at it!

"Best a luck, sugarcube"

As rarity stomps away, Applejack could swear she could hear the words "Blasted twilight, recommending the same book to us both. I can't believe her!"

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>Applejack
“Rainbow Dash”
________

“This is such a honkin’ load of bullsh-”

*the door to her office opens and Applejack squeezes in*

>How goes the work, sugarcube?

“Work? Don’t you mean slave labor? I can’t even begin to figure out half the shit Spitfire’s got cooked up here. She’s been launderin’ bits for the longest time and if that weren’t bad enough, I got some of the ‘Bolts coming to me like I’m supposed to either give ‘em a weekly raise or a hoofjob. I just don’t-”

*Applejack waves a quieting hoof and places a plate filled with rainbow-colored cake on the desk*

>Dash, Dash, Dash… if there’s one thing Celly’s taught me, it’s this: nearly all yer’ problems can be solved with either a good game of roulette, or cake. And what y’all need is a good dose of cake right about now.

“How’s cake gonna help me find all these purchasing orders and--”

*a forkful of cake suddenly finds its way into Rainbow Dash’s mouth and her face falls into a dopey, satisfied grin*

>Uh-huh, thatta girl. Let it sooooak in, see how many bucks ya give after that.

“Daaaamn, that’s some good stuff right there- that way every single one of you princesses around here have a fat plot?”

>...get back to work.

“Hey, it’s your fault for eatin’ so much, heh.”

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