Portal 2: The Fanfiction Mocking of All Time

Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller"'s Portal 2: The Coolest Sequel of All Time, or How I Learned to Discredit Everything the Evil Fanfiction Business Magnet Said about Me and just Get Along with It Myself

Featuring guest authors:
* Contine Overseer (CO)
* And an alternate timeline version of myself that didn't suffer what I did, empatheticAmazon (EA)

The New Author's Note (TNAN): Hello, guys! I think most of you are guys. Because, you know, I am a girl.

This is my first fan fiction set in Portal: The 4th Millennium (whatever that nonsense means) franchise, I mean, I'm from the 22nd century, and that time is still nine hundred years away. Maybe it is something I still didn't get from the Business Magnet's (that's how the guy I defeated calls himself) collection. It is set around the time as, hold on. I need to copy this thing in, (...)

''Aperture Science Business Magnet's Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time - A Beginner's Guide and Walkthrough of Valve Software's Portal 2'',

you all know that, right? But believe me, this time I will not suffer from whatever that caused.

Sincerely, the New Fan Fiction Writer of the 22nd Century. (Who ACTUALLY lived in the 22nd century.)

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Prologue: The Memo

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CURRENT interdimensionalPortaller [CIP] RIGHT NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board Portal 2 The Coolest Sequel of All Time.

CIP RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Portal 2 The Coolest Sequel of All Time.

CIP: Too bad the memo thing didn't support colons.
CIP: Whatever.
CIP: First of all,
CIP: You should all know,
CIP: Why is my memory so terrible?
CIP: Just sake of one more copy-paste:
CIP: Aperture Science Business Magnet's Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time - A Beginner's Guide and Walkthrough of Valve Software's Portal 2.
CIP: Right?
FUTURE combineOverseer [FCO] 694,465 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCO: y44h
FCO: and?
CIP: Even though I did crack that frog temple code, I still cannot discern what you said.
FCO ceased responding to memo.
CIP: Great.
CIP: Everything went JUST AS PLANNED.
Sarcasm sphere self-test complete.
CIP: Huh?
FUTURE combineOverseer 2 [FCO2] 694,465 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCO2: I still w4s writing from my 0wn mainframe.
FCO2: Sorry.
CIP: At least this way it's way more discernable.
FCO2: Okay.
FCO2: Ye4h, I know exactly what y0u're talking about.
CIP: Great.
CIP: What I meant was,
CIP: After the events,
CIP: I eventually took over his Blue Portals Franchise,
FCO2: WH4T?
CIP: Did that mean something?
FCO2: You took MY OWN Franchise?
CIP: No.
CIP: The Business Magnet's.
FCO2: Oh, okay.
CIP: I did that,
CIP: And there's some mistakes from the past I need to fix.
CIP: Hence, a play on the title, "Portal 2: The Coolest Sequel of All Time."
CIP: Or if you want it that way,
CIP: Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller"'s Portal 2: The Coolest Sequel of All Time, or How I Learned to Discredit Everything the Evil Fanfiction Business Magnet Said about Me and just Get Along with It Myself.
CIP: I like computers.
FCO2: And?
FCO2: What it i5 supposed to be ab0ut?
CIP: My events, changed drastically.
CIP: So I'm no longer mocked.
??? empatheticAmazon [?EA] ??? responded to memo.
?EA: Just wanted to say,
?EA: Why keep everything at ideality?
CIP: Because I SAID SO.
?EA: You may think my version of the adventures was ideality, but it wasn't.
FCO2: Wait, what?
FCO2: I thought from what y0u told me it wa5?
?EA: Um, you didn't tell me anything.
CIP: The other Chell said it.
CIP: Well,
CIP: If I make everything ideality you could also say "If it were like that" while reading it.
?EA: Fair deal.
FCO2: What about m3?
CIP: You too.
CIP: The ideal life of two girls aspiring to be ideal.
?EA: Three!
CIP: We're both the same one.
?EA: Heh heh.
CIP: Enough introduction, let's start.
CIP: I'll be copy-pasting the lines, one by one, from the original, and we decide if to change them or not.
FCO2: Ye4h.
CIP: > Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time
CIP: I thought I already took care of THAT one?
FCO2: /boardname
Currently on board "Portal 2 The Coolest Sequel of All Time".
CIP: Damn restrictions.
CIP: Okay.
CIP: > EXACT TIME: 2107 October 9, 12:30 PM
?EA: It was three hundred years.
?EA: Don't you remember?
CIP: Oh yes, I do remember.
CIP: But this author doesn't.
FCO2: It may n0t influence me, but...
FCO2: It chang3s betwe3n "before" and "4fter".
?EA: Befour and four-fter?
CIP: The year 2304.
?EA: Bingo.
CIP: The exact time would be 2304, umm...
CIP: April 19,
CIP: 06:22 AM.
FCO2: Sure.
FCO2: Tuning d0wn my plans as I spe4k.
CIP: > EXACT PLACE: Aperture Science Main Headquarters, Cleveland, Ohio, USA
?EA: I once found a newspaper from the place,
?EA: which was called "UP Pioneer Press".
CIP: And?
?EA: Pretty sure that's a Michigan brand.
CIP: How great.
CIP: Both time AND place are different.
FCO2: Actually, why d0 we have to do thi5 line by line?
FCO2: Why not t4ke the big 5cale of things?
CIP: Perfect.
CIP: Roughly, what were the events in Portal 2?
?EA: Some "announcer" was talking about nine nine nine when Wheatley woke me up.
?EA: He dragged the entire chamber where I was in to one of the old testing tracks.
?EA: Which were surprisingly similar to the ones in Portal 1.
CIP: Okay...
CIP: Instead of Cave Johnson have the announcer, have Wheatley drag chambers around,
FCO2: Why d0 I not have personality cores to drag test chambers around?
CIP: Portal 1 chambers are still here.
CIP: What?
FCO2: With your "Whe4tley".
?EA: Oh, you mean my kernelsprite?
?EA: You know what?
?EA: After all that, I still think he's not helpful.
FCO2: LAAAAAAAAAAME.
FCO2: When we played the g0ddamn game, my planet h4d some metal cube and Denis Gr4nt himself into that spirograph.
?EA: Who's this Denis Grant?
?EA: Is he like your version of Cave Johnson?
FCO2: Our facility is c4lled "Blue Portals Devel0pment Center".
CIP: Oh THAT Blue Portals Development Center?
CIP: With yellowish walls, stupid magnets I won't for my life figure out and...
CIP: Ummm...
FCO2: Ye5.
FCO2: That same one.
?EA: Cool.
?EA: You know what, if it is in your story, keep it.
CIP: And?
CIP: Then?
CIP: Talk back to you later.
CIP: I need to write up the first part.
?EA: Okay.
FCO2: And then we c4n just talk and talk and t4lk.

(Memo to be continued...)