Midnight-Life Crustacean

[Midnight wakes up in her hammock in her bedroom. The radio clicks on]
Radio DJ: You've got it tuned to K-O-L-D, K-Old, your all-oldies station. Here's a little something you may remember from the good old days.
♪You're old... Groaning like a geezer♪ [Midnight opens her eyes, which are crusty] ♪Hear yourself a-crackin' like an old has-been♪ [gets out of bed with all her joints cracking when she moves] ♪Look at yourself, old man, you've got multiple chins♪ [looking in her bathroom mirror. She pulls down her shirt to show a bunch of chins and some rockin tits] ♪'Cause you're old...♪ [scene cuts to the kitchen. Midnight sits down at the table as Anya comes in]
Anya: Good morning, Middy! [gives him a kiss] I made you breakfast.
Midnight: Thank you, sweet pea. I see you got creative with the bran today. [looks down at the plate to see her bran shaped as bacon, eggs, juice, and others]
Anya: Open up, it's time for the pill! [Anya takes out a giant pill]
Midnight: Oh, barnacles! I hate the pill. [Anya shoves the giant pill in her mouth and she swallows it] Anya, do you think I'm... old?
Anya: Well, of course I do! But that's okay. Baes are supposed to be old. That way I can call you “Old Bae”.
Midnight: But I'm still cool, right? Your old girl is cool?
Anya: See, no one says cool anymore. That's such an old-person thing. Now we say "coral," as in, "That nose job is so coral."
Midnight: Coral, eh?
Anya: Eww, when you say it, it sounds so uncoral.
Midnight: Well, what if I said it with a different inflection? Co-ral.
Anya: Don't you have to go to work or something?
Midnight: Whoop, you're right! [eats her breakfast] Have a coral day, honey!
Anya: [picks up her phone and dials] Roscoe? It's Anya. "Coral" is definitely out. [scene cuts to Midnight walking outside]
Midnight: Ha! Old? What was I thinkin'? I ain't old. Huh? [turns around to Jax  helping her walk across]
Jax: Don't worry, lady, we're almost across the street.
Midnight: Hey, get away from me. I don't need no snot-nosed little... [as she walks away, her arm comes off. Walks back to get it] Sorry you had to see that. [keeps walking to work where a fish is walking behind her]
Minuki: Come on, move it! Could you be any slower? And you've had your blinker on for the last five blocks. [Midnight turns around and notices she has two signals on her behind, the right arrow is blinking, so she covers his behind. She continues to walk until a ball rolls next to her]
Jack: Hey, Miss, could you throw the ball back over here?
Midnight: [picks up the ball] Hey, how's about I join you kids?
Tyler: Uhh, that's okay. You can keep it. Why do old people always have to ruin the fun? [Midnight drops the ball. She walks up to a line of elderly fish]
Vera: Hey, no cuttin'! You gotta wait your turn in line like everybody else! [Midnight notices a long line in front of the Bikini Bottom Cemetery]
Midnight: No! No! I ain't old like you! I ain't old! I ain't old! [runs away]
Ranthael: What's her problem? [the line is for ice cream]
Lou: Next? [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where Midnight is sitting a table depressed]
Katarina: Mommy, my Krabby Patty tastes funny.
Jade: Well, no wonder. It's all old and dried out. Like that woman right there. [points to Midnight] Now put that thing where it belongs... in the garbage.
Katarina: ♪La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la...♪ [Katarina walks up to the trashcan but Midnight grabs her patty before she can get there]
Midnight: Well, little patty, we're two of a kind. We've both lost our luster. [takes a bite out of the patty] Hmmm, so that's what I taste like.
Teruchi: Good morning, Krusty Krew! [Zora pokes her head out of the kitchen window]
Zora: [shouts] Hey Teruchi! You all ready for the big night out tonight?
Teruchi: [shouts] Yeah, it's gonna rock!
Zora: Are you ready to go crazy?
Teruchi: I'm already hearing voices!
Zora: Are you ready to—
Tiamat: Zora! Teruchi! Do you mind?!
Zora: Let's continue this conversation in private, Teruchi. I think some people are eavesdropping!
Teruchi: Well, how rude of some people!
Midnight: Hmmm, those youngsters are going out for a big night on the town. [stretches his eyes into the kitchen where Zora & Teruchi are talking]
Zora: Whoo! I've been looking forward to this night all week!
Teruchi: Party!
Zora: What do you think we should do first?
Teruchi: What shouldn't we do first? We're young, [Midnight' eyes move a little closer] we've got wheels, [Midnight' eyes move closer] the world is our oyster! Zora, you got something on your shoulder. [Zora notices Midnight' eyes are on his shoulders]
Midnight: Hey, guys, hangin' out?
Teruchi: [looks at his belly] Yes.
Midnight: I couldn't help overhearing your big plans. And I was wondering if you had room for one more craaaaazy dude tonight, huh?
Zora: Of course. Did you wanna come with us, Midnight?
Midnight: Oh, hadn't even crossed me mind. But, sure, I'll go!
Teruchi: I don't know, Zora. She might cramp our style.
Zora and Teruchi: [appears in a picture with a goofy look on them] Style!
Teruchi: Let's see if he knows the secret cool-dude handshake. [holds out his hand]
Midnight: Uhh, yeah, course I know it! [begins to sweat] Uhh... uhh...
Teruchi: I'm waiting... old lady.
Midnight: [shakes Teruchi's hand] Uhh... how do you do?
Teruchi: Fine, and you? All right, you're in. But I'm not happy about it.
Zora: You passed the test, Midnight!
Midnight: Great! Why don't you guys show up at my house at eight o'clock?
Zora: I just want to warn you, Midnight. We're always fashionably late.
French Narrator: 8:01 PM. [scene cuts to Midnight' house. The doorbell rings]
Zora: Hey there, Midnight! Are you ready to party?
Midnight: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party?
Teruchi: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Zora?
Zora: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Midnight?
Midnight: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, Zora?
Zora: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, Teruchi?
Teruchi: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Midnight?
Midnight: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to par- [Anya runs by them]
Anya: Stop it, just stop it! You're embarrassing me! [sobbing]
Midnight: So, what kind of hot rod will we be cruising in tonight?
Zora: Only the most powerful chick magnet in town. The Underwater Heartbreaker. [we see a bike with two streamers on each handle]
Midnight: It's more like a chick repellent. And there's only two seats.
Zora: Calm your waters, Midnight. I modified this little baby myself. [scene cuts to Zora & Teruchi riding at the front of the bike while Midnight is in a wagon behind them]
Midnight: Are you sure this is what the kids are driving these days?
Zora: Only the cool kids. [a hot rod, driven by Letro, pulls up beside them]
Letro: Hey, you guys must be lost. Doofus Drive is around the corner!
Zora: We're not lost, I've got my compass. [shows him the compass]
Driver: So long, dorks! [speeds away]
Zora: Goodbye, pals!
Midnight: We used to beat people up for saying things like that! Everything's all topsy-turvy now. [they pull up to 'The Wash']
Zora: Here we are: The Wash.
Midnight: They sure are giving these clubs some crazy names! I have to tell you guys... I'm a little nervous. I haven't been, you know, on the scene for quite a while now.
Zora: Just follow our lead, Midnight. And, above all, keep it cool.
Midnight: Cool. Gotcha. [Zora and Teruchi walk away jumping up and down in a goofy way. Midnight does the same]
Zora: [opens door] Hello, gang! Zora's back!
Teruchi: Let's party!
Midnight: Any port in the store—! wait a minute. This is a Laundromat. [scene shows the entire room is a place to do your laundry]
Zora and Teruchi: [all three looking at their reflections in the washer] Oh yeah, whoo! That's what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah! Yeah, the colors! whoo! [washer stops]
Zora: You guys want another rinse cycle? I'm buying.
Midnight: You know, I love staring at delicates as much as the next guy, but it's just that I thought we'd see more of the nightlife. Something that'll give you that wild and crazy hot-blooded feeling, if you know what I mean.
Zora: Oh, I know what you mean, Midnight. This is only stop numero uno on our night of debauchery!
Teruchi: Debauchery!
Midnight: Debauchery! [scene cuts to the road where all three are picking up trash] Debauchery? I never thought of picking up trash under the highway as hot-blooded, but if it's what the kids are into...
Zora: So, are you feeling that wild and crazy feeling, Midnight?
Midnight: Not yet.
Zora: Don't worry, you will. [scene cuts to all three in a kiddie swimming pool] Are you feeling it now, Midnight?
Midnight: I'm feeling a warm spot.
Teruchi: Sorry. [scene cuts to them riding kiddie rides outside Barg'n Mart]
Zora: Are you feeling it now, Midnight? Are you feeling it?
Teruchi: I'm feeling it, Zora!
Zora: Teruchi, that's not a ride. [Teruchi is riding on Minuki's back]
Minuki: Get off of me! [scene cuts to them getting their teeth pulled]
Zora: Are you feeling it now, Midnight? [scene cuts to them redoing a roof] Are you feeling it now, Midnight? [scene cuts to them dressed in costumes playing Dungeons and Dragons] Art thou feeling it now, Midnight? [scene cuts to the library] Can you feel it now, Midnight?
Astra: Shh! [scene cuts to an area for kids to play in]
Zora: How about now? Can you feel it, Midnight? [kids in the room around running around Midnight, hanging on her hat streamers. Midnight has clown make-up on her face]
Kids: Can you feel it, Midnight? Can you feel it, Midnight? Can you feel it, Midnight?
Midnight: So, you wanna know if I can feel it?
Zora and Teruchi: Yeah!
Midnight: Do you really wanna know if I can feel it?
Zora and Teruchi: Yeah, yeah!
Midnight: Because I can feel it. You wanna know what I'm feelin'?
Zora and Teruchi: Yes!
Midnight: [angry] I'm feelin' like a total barnacle head! [swings the screaming kids around and around then off her hat] You think this is cool?! [jumps on a bunny and punches its head off] How about this! [jumps on top of the bunny] And this? Am I with it now? [runs up to Zora and Teruchi] You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the end! I'm going home. You guys ain't cool. You're lame!
Zora: [sadly] Lame?!
Midnight: Lame! You're nerds! Geeks! Creeps! And babies!
Zora and Teruchi: Not 'babies!' [both suck their thumbs]
Midnight: I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night! So good night to you!
Teruchi: I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Midnight: The what?
Teruchi: I said, I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Midnight: Panty raid? You're talking about girls, right? Girl girls?
Teruchi: Yeah.
Midnight: And you're talking about raiding their dressers for their underpants, right?
Teruchi: Oh, yeah.
Midnight: Well, count me in! If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two being lame!
Zora and Teruchi: [happy] Not lame! [scene cuts to the three of them carrying a ladder]
Midnight: Now this is more like it! [lean the ladder against a house]
Teruchi: Give us some credit, Midnight. We're panty professionals! [climbs the ladder]
Zora: We score here all the time. [all three tiptoe into a bedroom. Midnight opens a drawer and takes out a pair of boxer]
Midnight: Fuck yeah! We hit the jackpot! [everyone jumps up and down]
Zora: Oh, yeah, Midnight!
Midnight: [holds up the pair of underwear he got] You finally came through for me, guys! I feel young again! [light turns on]
Morning: Midnight?
Midnight:  Morning????
Midnight: What are you doing with my boxers?
Midnight: Well, I, uhh, uhh, heh, hehe... [turns around to Zora and Teruchi] Why didn't you tell me this was Morning’s house?!
Zora: Why didn't you ask? [both run away. Midnight turns around to Morning smiling]
Midnight: But it was all Zora and Teruchi's idea!
Morning: Oh suuuuuure. Why don’t you go to your room and *snickers a bit* think about what you did?
Midnight: [walks away] Yes, Morning. [Jax from earlier is walking with Midnight]
Jax: Don't worry, Midnight. We're almost to your room. [Midnight groans. Scene cuts to Midnight's bedroom. Zora peeks through the window]
Zora: Sorry, Midnight.
Midnight: [sighs] That's all right, Zor. I certainly feel younger. [scene zooms out revealing Midnight is sitting in her racecar-shaped bed]
Zora: Good night, Midnight.
Midnight: Good night, Zora.
Morning: Midnight, lights out!
Midnight: Yes, Morning. [light turns off]