Legend of the Wandering Autist - Act II

ACT II: Stairs of Salt-Licks
Part 1: So is This a Western Now?

>a sound like hissing coaxes you to wakefulness
>you seem to be on some sort of trail
>outside the windows you can see an arid, desert wasteland sliding by at a slowing pace
>oh shit
>you really did it now, huh?
>the door to your cabin slides open
>the conductor pony walks
>"Sir, we are now reaching our last stop. I'm afraid you'll have to get off here."
"Yeah, okay. Uh, where are we right now?"
>"We're headed toward Picacholt, the westernmost town in Equestria."
"Huh. I've never been out west before. You know anything about this place?"
>"Not so much about the Picacho, sir, but I know a little bit about the area from when I tried my hoof at prospecting up in Marenberg."
>he points at a muddy river flowing across the landscape
>"You follow that river upstream from here maybe a day or so, that's where Marenberg is. And no. prospecting isn't very good in case you were wondering."
>he points out another window
>"Out a bit east you'll find Appleoosa. It's a fairly new town, and they're still having a few spats with buffalo folk. And out a bit northeast is Dodge Junction. Real good folk there. Real good cherry farming too."
>finally, he gestures at the window behind you
>"And way down south, sir, is Kluge City. Kluge isn't part of Equestria. I'd stay away if I were you. From what I've heard it's full of monsters. Er, no offense."
>huh?
>oh, right
>you're not the dominant species in this world
"None taken."
>hissing turns to screeching
>the train is slowing very quickly now
>there's a little town made of simple wooden buildings outside
>"Well, sir, this is your stop. Good luck in those gold fields!"
>the train stops
>you step onto the platform and are greeted with an ornery look from an elderly loafer with a bottle in his hoof
>fuck man
>you really don't have any sort of plan at all, do you?

>the town is full of sand and wooden buildings and ponies with cowboy hats
>you do receive a good deal of funny looks
>considering what the conductor pony said about the town full of monsters not too far from here, you're probably not the first unidentifiable creature these ponies have seen
>considering the glares you're getting, they probably haven't had a lot of good experiences with unidentifiable creatures
>you spot a building with the word "HOTEL" written on it in horse hieroglyphics and start heading toward it
>you figure the first thing you want to do is establish a "home base" you can go to while you figure out what to do
>also, Sombra probably wants out of your bag now
>but before you can make it inside, the big stallions block your path
>well, big by little pony standards anyway
>these guys look like trouble
>you can tell because their cowboy hats are black
>the one in the middle, a fellow with a splotchy beige-and-brown coat and a big black mustache, speaks up first
>"We don't cotton to freaks 'round these parts."
>all right, Anon
>act cool
"Huh? Cotton? Nope, uh, no, no need for, uh, cottonning."
>damnit
>act cooler
>"You makin' fun of me?"
"No, no way, man. I'm just a, uh, traveler. Just passing through on my, you know, travels."
>"Oh yeah?"
"Yep."
>"Why don't you travel your face into my hoof?"
"What?"
>"Taste the pain!"
>before you know it, the pony before you has whirled around and is bucking his back hooves at you
>you jump back and raise your hands
>one of the hooves lands in your hand
>your arm jerks violently at this, sending the evil cowboy pony tumbling to the ground
>his henchponies are bristling
>"You durned monster! You knocked down our pard!"
"Now hang on a minute, it was an accident I-"
>while the first henchpony was coming up in front of you, the second one apparently snuck up from behind
>you trip over this second henchpony backing away from the first
>the fallen henchpony lies dazed under your weight
>your last opponent rears up over you and comes down as hard as he can
>instinctively, your arms come up and take the brunt of the impact
>and it hurts
>your arms flail about, throwing the henchpony off of you and into the wall of the hotel
>you scramble to your feel, hyperventilating and looking around rapidly
>your panic is cut short by a hoof poking your leg
>a yellow mare with a green mane is smiling slyly up at you with green eyes
>"You look like you need a bed and some work, mister."
"Uh, yeah. I guess so."
>"You know, we usually don't like monsters 'round these parts, but if you promise to stand up to Piebald and his thugs like that every time they bother you, I'll let you come be a hand on my farm."
"Who?"
>the mare rolls her eyes
>"The bad guys you just beat up."
"What? Beat up? I just… oh."
>seeing the three groaning desperados on the ground, it does in fact seem that you have beaten them up
>advantages of being a six-foot biped who's spent the past year working out with one of Equestria's top athletes you suppose
>that and being a fucking awkward klutz
"Uh, yeah, sure. I can do that."
>"Sounds good. I'm sure my brother'll let you work for us after he hears what you did here. My name's Apple Fritter, by the way."
"I'm Anonymous."

Part 2: Stallion's Work

>Apple Fritter smirks
>"I know."
"What?"
>"I go up to Ponyville all the time, Mr. Nonermous. I dunno if you've noticed, but you're kinda hard to miss."
"Well, yeah, I guess."
>"Come walk with me, Mr. Nonermous. We'll see if we can't start puttin' bits in your pocket today."
"Sounds like a scam."
>"Ain't no scam, just good hard work."
>the two of you make your way through Picacholt
>folks roll their eyes and shake their heads when they see you
>it's better than ornery glares you guess
>why does she keep bumping into your legs?
>"So, Mr. Nonermous, what brings you from Ponyville to our little corner of the country?"
"Just seeing the world, I guess."
>"Oh? Not here looking for gold?"
"I wasn't planning on it. Is there a lot of gold in this area? The conductor on the train was talking about it too."
>"Not so much anymore. Or at least, there ain't hardly no ponies looking for it anymore. The river here was popular with panners, but all it's good for now is watering my apple trees. I think there were a few mines in the plains outside of town when I was little, but I don't hear about those anymore."
"Huh."
>"'Course, we let farmhands go panning in the part of the river on our property for free. There's probably a few flecks still floating around."
"Nice benefits. How's your dental plan?"
>"We'll knock you out with a shovel and use a little hoof-drill to fix any cavities you get."
"Whoah, geez, really?"
>Apple Fritter scoffs
>"No. Who ever heard of dentists in the wild west?"
"Now that you mention it, I guess I sure haven't."
>you're stepping into a field lined with rows and rows of apple trees
>"Here we are. Hi, Dismule!"
>a magnanimous-looking mule waves at Apple Fritter from under the bushel of apples on his back
>Apple Fritter whispers confidentially to you
>"That's Dismule. Mind that you don't call him a mule, 'cause he's a burro. That's 'donkey' for eastern folks like yourself."
>ah
>a magnanimous-looking burro waves at Apple Fritter, then
>"Oh, and there's Jonagold outside the barn right now."
>a big stallion the same colors as Apple Fritter is bucking an apple tree, the same way you've seen Applejack do
>Apple Fritter hollers and waves at him
>you can hear his exhasperated groan from yards away
>he makes his way over
>"Apple Fritter, what's this?"
>"Big brother, meet Anonymous. He wants to work on our farm."
>Jonagold sighs
>"You know I don't like monsters on the farm Apple Fritter."
>"He's from Ponyville, not Kluge. I don't think he's actually monster-folk. Besides, he already beat up Piebald for me."
>the change in Jonagold is pretty sudden
>really, he goes from "annoyed older brother" to "friendly country bro" just like that
>"Is that right? You whipped Piebald?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess I did."
>it's true
>but he doesn't need to know how exactly you pulled that off
>"Shoot. Well…"
>Apple Fritter is giving her brother a wide, toothy smile and nodding
>Jonagold shakes his head
>"Well all right. Those claws of yours look like they'd be pretty good with a quill. I could always use an accountant."
>hold the fuck up
>did he just say 'accountant'?

"Uh, accountant?"
>"Yeah. You know, the feller who does the paperwork and the mathematics and all that."
"I know what it is, I just…"
>"What?"
"It doesn't really feel like the kind of job you apply for at a farm in the wild west."
>"Oh? Hoping for some stallion's work then, huh?"
"Yeah… Yeah. I think I was hoping for some stallion's work."
>or 'man's work', considering your species
>but now's not the time for autism
>"Well, you came from Ponyville, right?"
"Yeah."
>"And where were you before that?"
>that's always a complicated question for you to answer
>assuming that Twilight's theories of distant planets and alternate realities aren't what Jonagold wants to hear, the best way to word it is probably…
"Well, it was a city, I guess."
>"Wasn't Kluge, was it?"
"No. Never been there. Never even heard of it before today."
>"Well, working in the desert is gonna be a lot harder than anything you've ever done before. I don't know if-"
"I'll be fine."
>"Well, there is one job that needs doing."
>Apple Fritter whines
>"Jonagold, why you always gotta-"
>"Quiet you. Go buck some apples or something."
>Apple Fritter sighs and trots off
>you're really not sure what's going on

>down by the river
>there is what appears to be an old-fashioned well pump
>except instead of a well, it seems to draw from the river
>and instead of pouring the water out of a spigot, the pump is connected to pipes which go under the sand
>the big heavy cast-iron handle looks about normal though
>"Well, Nonermous, this is the job. This here pump fills up ditches near the apple trees with water from the river. If you're up for it, I could use a body to pump this thing til sunset."
"Uh, yeah, I can do that."
>"You sure? It's a tough job."
"That should be fine."
>"Last feller we had on the pump went and keeled over. He's in a hospital up in Marenberg right now."
>is the sun just a little bit hotter?
>or is that just the desert?
>damnit, you didn't get to where you are in life by pussying out
>though to be fair, you're not exactly feeling like a success story right now
"W-well, uh, it's gotta be done, or no apples, right?"
>"That's a good attitude, Nonermous. Why don't you give her a few pumps, just to see how you like it?"
>the iron is hot
>it goes down with some moderate effort
>it comes back up easier
>"Yeah, that's it. Build a little speed up, it'll be easier that way."
>the resistance does indeed feel lessened when you quicken the pace
>"That's good, I can hear the water going through the pipes right now. How do you like that?"
"Yeah, that's fine. I think I can do this."
>"Good, good. I'll be back to check on you at sunset. If you get a little hot, feel free to use a little water from the river."

Part 3: Down by the River

>the sun is low in the sky
>you're pretty sure you're going to die if you spend five more minutes working this pump
>fortunately, you've spent the past two minutes watching Apple Fritter casually make her way toward the river
>she looks about two seconds away from smugging at you
>and that should help you get through these next twenty minutes or so before the sun finishes setting
>"Hey, Mr. Nonermous."
"Yup."
>"How are you still working that thing?"
"Dunno."
>"My big brother told me to go check on you. Said if you were still pumping I could keep you."
"Neat."
>"You wanna stop?"
"I really fucking wanna stop."
>"Go ahead."
>the sound you make is something like a zombie getting assraped and enjoying it way too much
>you fall to your knees
>Apple Fritter's perpetual smirk falters and fails for the first time in the whole afternoon since you met her
>it'll be a couple of hours before you realize that her little frown is pretty cute
>you're just too tired to make that kind of judgement right now
>Apple Fritter dips her foreleg into the muddy water and carresses your forehead with her wet pony fuzz
>"Sun above, Mr. Nonermous, you're hot!"
"Yeah. It's pretty hot out."
>"Why didn't you just take off all those clothes?"
"Not really appropriate for my species."
>the smirk is back
>"You ain't among your kind."
"I'd probably get sunburned."
>she does the scrunchy thing
>but with a smile instead of a frown
>this is the first time you've ever seen that
>"Sun's about to go down."
>seriously
>you're actually not going to realize what she's doing til the middle of the night tonight
>it won't keep you up or anything because you're really fucking tired
>but you're going to be really uncomfortable for about a minute
>but for now
"Eh."
>"Well at least take off that shirt. And lay down, here, right by the river. I'll splash some water on you."
"That sounds nice."
>you remember how it took you the better part of six months to get Rarity to make something resembling a t-shirt for you
>it was a big improvement over the goofy, puffy pirate shirts she gave you when you first arrived
>you're not normally one to knock free shit
>but the "plain tax" Rarity made you pay in addition to the price of the materials in labor was well worth it
>especially today
>but the shirt comes off and gets flung somewhere in the sand
>and you obediently lay your head at Apple Fritter's hooves
>Apple Fritter's ever-present smirk goes away again
>and there's a gentle little smile instead
>she lays down on her belly by your head
>dunks her foreleg into the water
>and pushes a cool wave of water over your body
>an involuntary noise escapes your lips
>Apple Fritter harrumphs
>but in a nice way
>"Like that?"
"Yup."
>"Have another."
>and another wave comes
>and another
>and another
>eventually the task of a complete sentence seems easy enough
"Hey Apple Fritter."
>"Mm hm."
"I've been wondering, didn't you say there's gold in this river?"
>"Yeah, there's a little. Why, thinking of trying out panning?"
"No. No, that's not it. It's just, isn't gold poisonous?"
>"Oh yeah. Nothing poisons a nice colt's mind or heart more than lusting for gold."
>geez
>she took a darker interpretation of that than you intended
"Yeah, there's that, but I mean, like, to eat."
>"Oh. Yeah, that's true too. What about it?"
"Is it okay to be watering apple trees with it?"
>Apple Fritter blinks
>"I dunno. Not really a problem either way though."
>she dunks her hoof in the water and reaches around
>when it comes back up, it's holding a simple wire mesh coated with sediment
>"We got a filter so the pump don't get clogged."
"Oh. That's probably wise."
>"Yep. It can be fun too."
"Oh?"
>Apple Fritter brushes the caked dirt off of the filter and grins
>"Mm hm. Because sometimes…"
>she gently pokes at something with the tip of her hoof
>"You get lucky."
>and wipes it off on your chest
>there you see a little dot of sparkling metal
>"Keep that. It's compensation."
"Don't I get paid for this in bits?"
>"Not for the work. For Jonagold messing with you."
"Messing with me?"
>"He does this to every boy I take home."
>no, really
>this statement won't mean anything to you for a number of hours
"Does what?"
>"See that wheel turning in the water over there?"
"Yeah."
>"That's something my pa thought up when I was little."
"I was kind of wondering what it was for."
>"I don't even know how he got it disconnected before you got here. Must have signaled to one of his pards or something."
"What does it do, Apple Fritter."
>"There's a little pole, we stick one end on the wheel and the other end on the pump handle."
"Oh geez."
>"It pumps the water all by itself."
>you groan
>"If it makes you feel any better, you're the first boy to pass his test. He'll probably  hook it back up tomorrow and have you do something else."
>you sigh
"Well, that's good, I guess."

Part 4: Daily Life of Cowponies

>the next morning seems to confirm that you have in fact been shit-tested
>Jonagold stops you outside of the workers' barracks in the morning
>"Hey there, Nonermous, I got good news for ya."
"Yeah?"
>"I got the water wheel working."
"Oh? What's that mean?"
>Jonagold chuckles
>"It means ya ain't gotta pump water no more. I got a better job for ya if you're interested."
"I'm interested."
>"I been thinking about those claws of yours. What with you being so tall, I figured we could put em to good use."
"Not quills?"
>"No, no, not quills. That was just me funning with you, Nonermous. I got stallion's work for ya! Er, uh, monster's- no, wait, you're not really monster-folk. What exactly are you, again?"
"We call ourselves humans."
>"'Human', huh? Ain't never heard of it, but I reckon y'all have a word for the male-types."
"Yeah, uh, that'd be 'man'."
>"Aw, this is gonna sound great. Then it's man's work I got for ya, Mr. Nonermous. 'Cause us pony-folk don't have those claws like you do."
>Jonagold takes you to a grove on the far side of the orchard
>"There! These, Mr. Nonermous, are the finest apples on the farm. Can't you just see the quality already?"
"Well, no."
>"Heh, you will. All the other apples in these orchards are gonna get bucked outta their trees. They'll end up on the ground, all bruised up and dirty. But not these ones. You're gonna pick these ones with your claws, and gently place em in that there basket Dismule is carrying."
>whoah
>where did he come from?
>the magnanimous burro waves at you
>"Mornin'"
>Jonagold grins
>"And then I'll sell em for twice the price."
>Jonagold swings his hat and does a little cowboy yell, and then trots off to leave you to your job
>and for the next couple weeks
>that's what you do, from sunup to sundown

>it's nightfall
>you've been meaning to do this
>but the workers' barracks is just too crowded
>this is a matter of some privacy
>no, you're not going to masturbate, faggot
>with your bag, you make your way into the grove you and Dismule are working on
>at this time of night, you're completely alone, and completely hidden
>you take it out of the bag
>or, him, technically
>Sombra growls as soon as you take him out of the bag
>"GRRRAAAARRGGHHH! TWO DAYS IN BAG!"
"Yeah, I know, I know. Look, man, I'm not really in a situation where I can just have you out in the open most of the time."
>you explain what the deal is to Sombra
>the wild west
>the fight outside the hotel
>the apple farm
>the workers' barracks you're sharing with about a dozen other farmhands
>Sombra grumbles
>"Get hotel room."
"You know that costs money, right?"
>"How much you make?"
"About twelve bits every day. Why?"
>and then you're horrified
>the crystal glows blood red, and a window through space appears in the air
>it's showing you a sign on the local hotel, detailing prices
>and then it closes
>"Room is 12 bits per night."
"Holy shitniggers, you can still do magic?"
>Sombra grunts to the affirmative
>"But no hurt you. Have tried."
"Gee, that's good I guess."
>"Get hotel room. 12 bits."
"Fuck, man, that's my whole wage. What am I gonna do for food? Or to save up for when I leave this place?"
>"Gold quartz outside of town. Can smell from here."
"Is that the same thing as gold? Apple Fritter told me there wasn't much gold in these parts anymore."
>Sombra glares at you
>"Is quartz... with gold in. I know crystal, I smell lots."
"I don't know the first thing about mining for gold, you know."
>"No more bag!"
>fuck
>it'd be a pretty dick move to get him trapped in that crystal, and then trap the crystal in a bag too
"All right, all right, I'll get a room tomorrow."

>Apple Fritter has elected to come with you to pick out your room
>"You ain't got enough sense to head out into town on your own, Mr. Nonermous. You need me."
"How could you possibly know that? I've only been here for like two and a half days."
>"Mare's intuition. Also, you've only been here for like two and a half days."
"How hard could it possibly be?"
>"Hey, Apple Fritter!"
>Apple Fitter reflexively sticks her snoot way up in the air
>"Speak of the devil..."
>it's Piebald
>"Apple Fritter! Are you still keeping that monster around? You could do better than that!"
>Apple Fritter's response consists solely of a haughty harrumph
>Piebald growls
>"Hey you monster! What are you still doingt in my town? I thought I drove you out!"
"Why would you think that?"
>"Cause I whupped your hide, that's why!"
"But that isn't what happened at all."
>"Oh yeah? You wannna rematch?"
"I mean, not particularl- whoah!"
>Apple Fritter pushes your butt with her head and marches you away from the evil cowboy pony
>"Yeah, you better run!"
>Apple Fritter briskly leads you into the hotel and glares at you
>"Are you sure you wouldn't just rather live on the farm? Living out in town you're gonna have to deal with that every day."
"Look, I can't live in the barracks. I have... reasons."
>"Is this about your clothes wierdness?"
"Uh... yeah. I'm just not really comfortable getting dressed with everyone around and whatnot."
>Apple Fritter sighs
>"You really oughtta get over that."
>you scratch your head
"Eh, maybe eventually."
>Apple Fritter switches to smug mode
>"I could just let you sleep with me in my room, you know."
"Yeah... no."
>the pony at the check-in desk clears her throat
>"Excuse me, are you two here to rent a room, or not?"
>you pick out a room pretty quickly
>they're all western-themed, so it doesn't make much difference to you
>Apple Fritter insists on staying to chat for a few minutes
>so you ask her what she knows about gold mining
>"Yeah, you're gonna need a little extra change what with this dumb hotel room. Talk to Dismule, far as I know he's the only one in town still looking for gold."

>you're up in the tree, picking apples and handing them down to Dismule's basket
"Uh, hey Dismule."
>"Yup?"
"I heard you do a little gold mining. I was wondering if there was anything you could tell me."
>the old burro's ears perk all the way up
>"Sure, I'll tell ya anything you wanna know. Heck, I'll do more'n that. You wanna head out with me after workin' hours is done, I'll show ya!"

>"Awright, Noner... Anoner..."
>Dismule scratches his head
>"Hey pard, ya got a nickname or somesuch?"
"Yeah, folks in Ponyville called me Anon."
>"Anawn... Awright. Well Anawn, the sun's looking low in the sky. Seems to me like workin' hours is done. When d'you wanna head outta town to look for a lil gold?"
"I'm ready to go now if you are."
>"No ya ain't. Whar's your canteen? Ya cain't head inna the desert without a canteen."
"Oh, sure, that makes sense. I can run to the general store and get one."
>"Mmm, do that, and get yourself a stick too. Last fella like you that I knew never went outta town without one."
"Hang on. You've met someone else... like me?"
>"Sure I have. I been wandering this wasteland for near forty years now. Ya ain't the first friendly monster-fella I ever met, and the last one I knew always told me that two legs just ain't enough for desert wandering."
"So, did he look like me? Or did he just walk on two legs?"
>"Aw, naw, Anawn. Far as I know, none of you monster-folk look alike. Why? Did ya meet a fella who looked like you down in Kluge once?"
"I've never been to Kluge. I'm not actually a monster."
>"Izzat right? Wal, we'll have to chat a bit out on the plains. But for now, go and get yourself a stick and a canteen, and meet me back here."
>you and Dismule won't end up finding anything tonight
>but the old burro will prove a good and educational companion
>and you'll agree to help him mine again tomorrow night

Part 5: The Telegram

>it's been five days since you've arrived in Picacholt
>Sombra is watching you finger your first gold nugget
>it's not big
>but if you find something like this on a regular basis you'll eventually have enough bits to...
>well, your meager savings will grow somewhat
>Dismule's dream of travelling the world in luxury and settling down in a castle in Canterlot as the richest burro in Equestria is fairly well-fleshed out
>but it's not really something that you want for yourself
>largely because he's been at this for forty years
>but also...
>it's weird, just a few years ago the idea of being wealthy enough to NEET it up in luxury would have sounded great to you
>maybe the time you've already spent as a NEET had something to do with this change of heart
>even though it was hardly "in luxury"
>but there's also...
>well, the travelling part sounds all right, in theory
>it doesn't need to be in a fancy cruise liner or anything
>but you do have a vague idea of hopping onto a train to some other part of Equestria at some point
>you'll at least need enough bits for securing food and shelter when you get there, as well as enough for another train ticket in case you need to go in a hurry
>you're honestly more or less content in Picacholt for right now though
>you look up when you realize that your door is emitting a mysterious knocking sound
>Sombra gets tossed into a cabinet
>upon opening the door, you realize that the cause of the mysterious knocking sound is none other than Apple Fritter
>she's been here every night since you started staying here
>the yellow apple horse trots in past you
>grabs a bottle of cider out of your fridge
>hops onto your couch
>sprawls out
>and smugs at you
"Gee Fritter, come on in, make yourself at home, want anything to drink?"
>"Aw, thanks, Mr. Nonermous, you big sweetie, you."
>you grab a bottle of cider from the fridge yourself
"Scooch over, I'm sitting down now."
>Apple Fritter dutifully pulls herself up into a sitting position
>but as soon as you sit down, she flings herself across your lap
"Well, Apple Fritter, what brings you here tonight?"
>she takes a big sip from her cider
>from her laying down position, she dribbles a lot of it directly onto your legs
>"Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh..."
>she belches loudly and wipes her snoot with her foreleg
>"I'm afraid it ain't a completely social call tonight."
"I get the feeling you would've visited anyway."
>"True. My big brother said if I got to seven nights in a row he'd dye his mane purple."
"Really?"
>"No."
>you groan
>but it was almost a funny joke
"What do you want, Apple Fritter?"
>"Mmmm... I got a telegram from my cousin today."
"Okay."
>"It was about you, Nonermous."
"Huh? Who's your cousin?"
>Fritter glares at you for a second
>then she gives you a blank smile
>"Hi, Mr. Nonermous. My name's ''Apple'' Fritter. I run an ''apple'' farm with my brother. I've seen you before because I visit ''Ponyville'' on the regular."
>suddenly, Apple Fritter's charm is lost on you
>did it just get hotter in here?
>or colder?
"Applejack."
>"Mm-hm."
>oh fuck
>oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
"What did it say?"
>"Oh, it just said to watch out for a big, monster-looking fellow who calls himself "Anonymous", and to let Applejack know if I saw him. I'm pretty sure she sent these out to the whole Apple Family."
"How big is the Apple Family?"
>"We've got a farm or two in pretty much every region in Equestria."
"Oh geez, there's nowhere I can run, is there?"
>"What are you even running from?"
>uh
>that's a tough question to answer
>you suppose there's technically a quick and easy answer to this
>but it really doesn't sound like a big deal when you try to put it into words
>fuck
>is there a cop-out you can use to both evade the question and make her stop wondering?
>you're pretty sure you're sweating now
>is this whole thing just a big overreaction?
>"Lemme guess."
>oh thank fuck
>"I can see it now, Mr. Nonermous. You and Applejack."
"Huh?"
>"It's a barnyard romance."
"No."
>"You find out she's gonna be the mother of your foal!"
"Stop."
>"So you run away to escape the responsibility, but along the way you find yourself!"
>in spite of yourself, you fail to suppress a lone chuckle
>"And in the end you come back just in time to witness the birth of your first child! And then you make sweet love to Applejack, the love of your life! And-"
"Stop! Stop stop stop stop. Can you honestly imagine that? ''Applejack'' getting caught up in moonlight serenades?"
>Fritter giggles
>"Nope. She's way too uptight."
"Yeah she is."
>"Anyway, I had a feeling you wouldn't want me to tell AJ about you, so I didn't show the telegram to Jonagold."
"Holy shit thank you so much."
>"Mmm, that's what friends are for, Mr. Nonermous. But it'll cost you."
"Oh geez. What do you want?"
>Fritter stretches out and yawns
>"I'm gonna spend the night here tonight, Mr. Nonermous."
"Oh, sure. You can take the bed, I'll just use the couch. That's fine."
>"Nope! You're gonna snuggle with me!"
"Wait now hang on a sec-"
>Fritter nuzzles her face into your belly
>"Yep... snuggle..."
>she takes in a deep breath
>and lets it out
>and
>holy fuck
>she's already snoring
>well
>that's okay
>now if you can just wriggle into a lying-down position without waking her up...

Part 6: The Salt Lick

>"Nonermous! What in the world are you doing up there?"
>you look down from the tree, an apple in one hand and a basket in the other
>Jonagold and Dismule are staring up at you
"Well, I'm working."
>"Working?! On a Sunday?!"
"Uh, am I not supposed to do that?"
>"No you ain't s'posed to work on a Sunday! You're s'posed to relax!"
>Dismule chuckles
>"Din't'cha wonder whar I was, pard?"
"Well, a little bit."
>Jonagold stomps
>"Come down outta that tree! You been working all day? Heck, it's near sunset already!"
>gracelessly, yet painlessly, you fall out of the tree
>"C'mon, Nonermous. Let's get these baskets inna the barn. Then, I'm gonna show you how folks have fun round these parts!"
"How do folks have fun around these parts?"
>"The Salt Lick!"

>the Salt Lick, apparently, is a sort of tavern at the peak of the hill that gives Picacholt its name
>and its name, apparently, is derived from what folks go there to do:
>lick salt
>with a few added minerals and spices of course
>they are horses, after all
>Jonagold takes a big lap at the salt block sitting on his plate
>"Awwww, that's real good stuff."
>Dismule is taking noisy bites out of his own salt block
>Jonagold goes in for another lick
>"Yee-ayy-yee! That's a good strong salt lick right there."
>your own salt lick goes untouched
>"Nonermous, ain't ya gonna eat your salt?"
"Yeah, uh, let me just..."
>you take the block into your hands
>and lick it
>and you drop the block
>and scream
>holy fuckcunters, that fucking burns!
>you knew it wasn't going to be pure salt
>but holy shit what is in these things?
>Jonagold chortles
>"Hey now, drink some water, ya big lightweight."
>that you do, and greedily too
>"Why don't you take a break for a little while, Nonermous?"
"Yeah. Sure."
>"Good. Try and keep your composure now, our friends are watching."
>you look in the direction Jonagold is gesturing in
>it's Piebald, talking with some other ponies and pointing at you
"Oh, geez, what does he want now?"
>"Probably just wants to tell his pards what a big dumb monster you are. I doubt if he'll start any trouble tonight."
"You sure?"
>"Yeah. But now's as good a time as any to point out one friend of his in particular for your benefit. You see that fella over there with the big black mustache?"
"Uh huh."
>"That there's Collishaw Cueball, our sherrif, and the only reason Piebald don't get in trouble for all the trouble he causes."
"The sherrif is crooked?"
>"The crookedest."
"That's not good."
>"No, it ain't good. But as long as you work for me, he won't try anything with you."
"What do you mean?"
>"Well shoot, with the gold miners all gone, my apple farm's the only thing keeping this town alive. Cueball knows it, and he knows that I know he knows it. Worst thing I could do to him is pack up and move in with my cousins in Appleoosa, and pretty soon after that there wouldn't be no more Picacholt for our poor sherrif to bully."
"Oh, well that's good."
>"What I'm getting at, Mr. Nonermous, is that I got your back. You ain't gotta worry about Piebald's trouble making keeping you from getting close to my sister."
"Huh?"
>"Well you must have noticed that Piebald is into Apple Fritter by now."
>well
>actually
>you hadn't noticed
>but it sort of makes sense when you think about it
"Uh, sure, but, what made you think I was into Apple Fritter?"
>"Well, shoot, there was the way she dragged you home, the fact that she's gone and visited you every night since you moved into that hotel room, and then there's that she went and stayed the whole night with you yesterday."
"Hey, we didn't, you know-"
>"Naw, it's fine, I don't mind."
"No, I mean, we really didn't... Would you actually be okay with that?"
>"Well, as your pard, I'd warn you that Fritter is a bit of a wildcat, but as her big brother... you're a swell fella, Mr. Nonermous. You're respectful, hard-working, and you can handle yourself in a fight. As long as there's some sorta magic you can use to put full-blooded pony foals in her, I wouldn't mind."
"Jeez, I've only known your sister all of six days. I'm not thinking about 'putting foals' in her yet."
>"Wouldn't be unwise to. Out here in the desert, life can be short. And youth's even shorter."

Part 7: Darkstar the Peg-Horned

>"You know this water is magic, right?"
"Really?"
>you've been in Picacholt for thirteen days
>on this particular Sunday, you're down at the river
>feet in the water
>and a pretty pony named Apple Fritter laying in the sand beside you
>she's tracing circles in the water with her hoof
>"Sure is."
"Well it's certainly nice water. I don't see what's so magical about it though."
>"Mr. Nonermous, don't you know anything about apples?"
"Are you about to tell me about apples?"
>"I'm about to tell you about apples."
"All right, what about apples?"
>"In most parts of the world, apples only grow in the fall."
"All right."
>"It's spring."
"I'm following you, I promise. So the apples are growing right now because there's magic in the water."
>"Yep. The apples grow year round here in Picacholt. With the gold miners moved on, that's the only way this town could survive now."
"All right. But why is the water magic?"
>"There's a story my daddy used to tell me. A little ways up north of here, this river flows through the mountain lair of an old and famous wizard."
"A wizard?"
>"Darkstar the Peg-Horned. See, a long time ago, there wasn't no law in these parts. I mean, it was worse than it is now."
>"The Princess and her sister hadn't come to Equestria yet, and Equestria hadn't come to the desert yet. They say the three tribes were just starting to come together, way out to the northeast, when this story happened."
>"There were ponies who came to settle here in those days to escape the bad winters caused by the feuding tribes. Here, folks put aside their differences and came together to survive. It was hard living, but to ponies who were sick of freezing, it was good living."
>"But the desert can turn good folks mean, same then as it is now. Darkstar was a powerful unicorn who took to taking what he wanted with his magic. The west's first outlaw."
>"'Cept, one day, he took something he shouldn't have tried to take. He kidnapped a sheriff's daughter. It was a two day walk from that town to his secret mountain lair, and Darkstar thought he'd be just fine when he tied up his prize and went to sleep under the stars that night."
>"But Darkstar didn't know that the filly's daddy the sheriff had been tracking them all day, and when he finally caught up..."
>Apple Fritter stomps her hoof into the sand as hard as she can
>"Wham! He snapped Darkstar's horn clean off. Darkstar woke up and ran off to the mountains. The sheriff untied his daughter and figured he'd seen the last of Darkstar the outlaw, but he was wrong."
>"They say he made a new horn for himself outta stone and nailed it to the base of his old one. Real smart fella, somehow it worked. They say even the Princess never figured out how to copy him."
>"He went crazy after that, and he cast all kinds of weird spells in the mountains. All the towns from those days are gone, except for Somnabula, but Darkstar's magic is still up there, keeping the wild west wild."
"Huh"
>you stroke your chin in thought
"But wouldn't that mean your apples are evil?"
>Apple Fritter pushes you into the river

Part 8: Days and Weeks Go By

>day 18 in Picacholt
>you and Dismule are done with the grove Jonagold set you to work at
>and now he's set you to work at another
>Apple Fritter is on the ground chatting with you and Dismule
>"Piebald proposed to me again today."
"You say yes?"
>a pair of yellow hooves crashes into the trunk of the tree you're sitting in, very nearly shaking you from your perch
>a number of apples fall to the ground though
"Hey careful now, you'll bruise the apples!"
>"I'll bruise your apple!"
"Geez, why the hate? What's wrong with Piebald?"
>"Beyond that he's ugly and stupid? It ain't really me that he's after."
"Oh?"
>"It's the farm. If Piebald ever got a hold of it it'd be as good as in the hooves of Collishaw Cueball."
"That wouldn't be good."
>"No, it wouldn't. But I'm worried once they figure out their plans to ''woo'' me won't work they'll try something worse."
"Like what?"
>Apple Fritter sighs
>"I dunno."

>night 21 in Picacholt
>Dismule came down with a coughing fit after work today
>you decided to take Sombra out on your nightly expedition instead
>he's always talking about all the mineral wealth he can smell out in the plains
>you figure he'll appreciate the night out
>besides, it's only fair that he contributes anyway, since he's the reason you're paying for that hotel room
>you have, of course, acquired your own tools by now, so borrowing from Dismule isn't an issue
>Sombra's nose has taken you pretty far out
>farther than you've ever gone with Dismule anyway
>and finally
"You want me to go into that dark, spooky cave?"
>"Gold quartz inside. Gemstones too"
"At the base of these mountains where an ancient magical outlaw was rumored to have conduncted unnatural sorcery?"
>"Technically, I am ancient magical outlaw who conducted unnatural sorcery."
"Yeah but you're not scary."
>Sombra growls
"Yeah all right I'll go in the freaking cave. You can light up that crystal, right?"
>with a neat little whirr, Sombra's crystal goes on like a lightbulb
"All right, I'm going in. You'd better not steal my kidneys."
>down down into the depths of the earth
>no sooner do you take a twist that obscures the cave entrance than you stumble upon a chamber lined with gems that sparkle in Sombra's crystal-light
"Geez, you weren't kidding."
>"Gold further down."
"That's fine. It's a long walk back to town; I'll just fill up my bag here. Hopefully we'll be back in time to get five hours of sleep."
>you position your rock hammer over the nearest ruby
>Sombra's silence is kind of weirding you out for some reason
"You all right?"
>Sombra grunts
>"Beautiful."
"What, the cave?"
>"Crystals."
>you pause a moment
>"Yeah."
>and you begin your harvest
>but you stoop down to the floor and take the gemstones from the bottom
>there's more than enough on the floor alone to fill up your bag
>and the walls and roof really are just too pretty to maim
>when your bag is about half full, you stop mining for some reason
>you look at the shadow beyond Sombra's light, deeper into the bowels of the earth
"Huh."
>"Hm?"
"Nothing."

>still night 21
>soon to be the morning of day 22 though
>as you come into town, a figure waits under a lonely streetlamp
>and by streetlamp, you mean a jar full of lightning bugs sitting on top of a pole
>Equestria is so quaint sometimes
"What are you still doing up this late, Miss Apple Fritter?"
>"Just waiting for my favorite two-legged critter."
"Yeah? Hope he gets here soon."
>"Oh, he just showed up. I'm still trying to think of the best way to tell him something important."
"What's that?"
>"There's a crooked sheriff waiting for him in his home."
>hell
"I was really hoping you had something a little more fun to say."
>"Nope. Wanna go say hello?"
"Don't really have a choice, now do I?"
>"Nope. Got a gun on ya?"
"Huh?"
>"What?"
"There are guns in Equestria?"
>"Uh... yeah?"
>geez
>sometimes Equestria really isn't that quaint
"I didn't know that. I don't have one."
>"Well, let's hope he doesn't shoot us when we get there."
"You're coming?"
>"'Course. I've been waiting long enough, haven't I?"
>surprisingly, Collishaw Cueball isn't waiting for you with an old-fashioned revolver pointed at the door
>he's just plopped down pleasantly on your couch
>it's obvious he's been looking through your stuff
>drawers are open, and your meager supply of clothing is strewn about the floor
>thankfully, the locked chest you keep your gold in is untouched
>"Mr. Nonermous! You're prolly wonderin' what I'm doin' here."
"Uh, yeah, I am."
>"Well, I just got a law enforcement telegram from
Canterlot. You wanna know what it said?"
>you really don't
"What did it say?"
>"It said to be on the lookout for a tall, two-legged critter from Ponyville who calls himself a 'human'. It said he's got a history of mental illness and violence, that he's in possession of a dangerous magical artifact, and that he may be a danger to himself and others."
"Gee, that's interesting."
>"Sure is. Now, I was just wondering what kinda critter it was you reckoned yourself. What exactly are you again, Mr. Nonermous."
"I'm uh... a man."
>"A man! Well shoot, looks like you ain't the fella after all. It's real funny though, because the telegram said this fella's name was 'A-nawn-ni-muss.' I thought for sure it mighta been you."
"Guess not."
>"Guess not! Well, I'm terrible sorry for the inconvenience now, so I guess I'll be on my way. Just remember, if you know anything about this fella, all Canterlot wants is for him to be safely returned to Ponyville, no harm done."
"I'll keep it in mind."
>"And Miss Apple Fritter, if you happen to know anything about this... critter, try not to get too close to him. I'm sure he'll get caught soon."
>with that, the sheriff disappears
>oh
>oh hell
>"Uh, Mr. Nonermous."
"What?"
>"What's this about a dangerous magical artifact?"
"Oh, he's not that dangerous."
>you pull Sombra's crystal out of your bag and show him to Apple Fritter
>he hisses at her
"Fritter, this is Sombra."
>"Sombra? That fella who tried to take over Equestria about a year ago?"
"Yeah."
>"Then you... history of mental illness and violence..."
>Fritter gasps
>"You're the fella who hit Princess Twilight!"
>oh shi-
"Well, yeah."
>Fritter grunts
>"But you made friends with the princess again, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, I did."
>"But now you stole her magical artifact and ran away with it."
"I guess you could say that's true."
>"But why?"
"Look, there were no crimes or anything. I just, I just don't really know how to talk about that right now."
>Fritter stares
"Look, are you gonna turn me in or what?"
>"Shoot. If I don't turn you in and Cueball finds that crystal, I could lose my farm for employing a fugitive!"
>oh
>"But if I do turn you in, Piebald'll be free to keep harassing me and he'll try to take the farm
>Fritter stares
"Look, are you gonna turn me in or what?"
>"Shoot. If I don't turn you in and Cueball finds that crystal, I could lose my farm for employing a fugitive!"
>oh
>"But if I do turn you in, Piebald'll be free to keep harassing me and he'll try to take the farm by forcing me to marry him. He really has backed off a lot since you showed up. And besides that I don't him one second when he says he just wants to send you off to Ponyville, 'no harm done'."
>Fritter sighs
>"No. I ain't turning you in, Nonermous. You're my friend, and friends stick together. Just be careful. If Collishaw Cueball ever sees that crystal it'll be all the evidence he needs to get away with whatever he wants."
>oh
>oh thank fuck
"Holy shit thank you so much Apple Fritter."
>"Yeah, don't mention it. I just hope I don't regret it too much later."

>night 25 in Picacholt
>you're on the plains with Dismule
>he's still sputtering and coughing quite a bit
>"Aw, don't worry 'bout me none, Anawn. I got just about 'nuff gold now that I'll probly head out any day now."
"Really?"
>"Oh, yeah. I'm probly awready th'richest burro in all a Equestria."
"I'll be sad to see you go, Dismule."
>"Schucks, Anawn, you'll do fine. Me, I'm getting old, and my health's failing. I gotta get outta this desert dust and heat while I still got the chance."
"You know, I always wondered, if you've already got so much gold, why are you still working the apple farm?"
>"Sun above, Anawn! I ain't goin'a blow through my gold while I'm still collecting it! I gots a budget, y'see. I already done gone and calc'lated the expenses of the travel, the castle, and the retirement. I got my gold set aside for it and I ain't goin'a even think about touching it til I'm good and ready to start my dream."
>in the distance, a sound starts low
>from the mountains, the sound starts to grow
>it's an unearthly sort of sound
>like the mountains are moaning
>when the sound grows to an unbearable volume, that's when the wind hits
>the wind is hot
>burning
>like the air has been turned to fire
>you forget your conversation with Dismule
>you forget Dismule, even
>the desert
>the gold in the distance
>the tools on your hip
>all forgotten in that wind
>and when you think you can't take any more of it
>it stops
>in an instant
>and your surroundings come back to you
"What the hell was that?"
>"Furnace winds. Don't normally gettem so early in the year. Ain't even quite May yet. Bad omen."

Part 9: Something Worse

>night 26 in Picacholt
>Dismule is too sick to go out again
>you were planning on staying in too
>but the clock strikes ten
>and you're restless
>maybe it's because Apple Fritter is visiting family in Ponyville
>even though she did promise not to talk about you
>maybe it's the fact that you've stayed up late every night for almost a month now
>or maybe it's some underdeveloped precognisant sense of the human brain attempting to warn you of the trials to come
>again
>fuck, the last time you felt like this you ended up going to the Crystal Empire
>and that was a shitshow and a half
>you really hope it's just the late night thing
>you grab your toolbag
>you grab Sombra too
>somehow you figure he's safer with you than he is even in your locked chest
>there's that precognisant thing again
>oh man
>well, they won't find any evil magical artifacts in your room tonight
>before you know it your on the plains
>you're far enough from the town that you can't see it anymore when you look around to make sure nobody's watching
>and you pull Sombra out of the bag
"All right bud, you said there was a good vein of gold quartz around here the other day."
>an arrow materializes in the air
>"That way."
>before long you're on the vein, chipping away at it with your rock hammer
>you get lost in your work, you forget to look around
>the chipping makes noise, enough to mask the soft sound of hooves in the sand
>but the hoof in the back of your head
>that gets your attention
>when the stars clear out of your eyes, you find yourself looking into the splotchy face of Piebald the thug
>"Well now, looks like you got a evil magic thingamajigger after all. Cueball'd be right happy to hear about this. He'd get his hooves on the apple farm right nice and easy, and you'd get sent off to get locked up in Ponyville or something."
>"'Course, that's what Cueball wants. Nobody ever asks what Piebald wants. Well what I want is to make Apple Fritter my wife. And Cueball ain't gonna help me get my hooves on Apple Fritter if he gets his hooves on the apple farm first."
>"'Sides that, you been getting too friendly with Apple Fritter for my taste. A stallion's gotta punish a monster who tries to move in on his mare, you know?"
>"Come on, say somethin'! This is your life in the balance, pard!"
>you sincerely try to throw a witty quip at the thug standing over you
>but somehow your brain isn't talking to your mouth right now
>"Can't, huh? Well, looks like it's all up to me then."
>"Tell you what. Far as Collishaw Cueball needs to know, you ran off inna the mountains and took your little crystal with ya."
>"I'll give ya a fair chance now, monster. You wake up and get someplace safe before you fry, you can go on your way. Marenberg is right over those mountains, you can take a train back to Ponyville from there."
>"Just don't come back to Picacholt. My pards'll be waitin' for ya outside of town. You won't be in no shape to fight, understand? That'll be the end of you right quick."
"W... wake up?"
>"Yep. Nighty-night!"
>your vision is filled with hooves
>then stars
>then black