LtD 93

Aug 4th, 2014
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  1. >>Chapter 93 - Part 1
  2. >Title: Returning Home
  3. Taking into account the length of this chapter, I have to wonder.
  4. Are we really going to read the five day journey back to Ponyville?
  5. > Well, someone sent a story that takes place during mine.
  6. I’m sorry, what?
  7. Are you trying to say someone wrote fanfiction of a fanfiction?
  8. And a terrible one at that?
  9. > And I must say, I love it XD
  10. Yeah, that doesn’t speak well of the story.
  11. > It's very well written, and the author keeps to the characters and story line.
  12. Those two things are mutually exclusive, Kickass.
  13. > I suggest you take a look at it.
  14. For anyone interested, or for those who would like to see this story riffed, let me give you the good news, the story was deleted.
  15. >
  16. And from, nonetheless.
  17. That alone should tell you everything you need to know about the story.
  18. > I turned around to face Mr. Bleak and Starch, "So, why would you hurt this sweet and awesome Phoenix?"
  19. Well, if his treatments of foals in Ponyville is any indication, I’d say he gets off on it.
  20. > Mr. Bleak huffed, "It attacked me!"
  21. “Sure, she may have been forced to do so, and I’m impervious to most attacks, but still!”
  22. > Starch shrugged, "To be truthful, the Phoenix didn't want to attack, Val just forced it too."
  23. Speaking of whom, did they take care of him?
  24. Or was Val just left there to grow bitter and come back later more powerful?
  25. Or is he just going to be ignored for the rest of the story?
  26. > He sighed, "I'm sorry little Phoenix."
  27. Despite it being completely obvious that he’s not.
  28. > "HALT!" Said a low, authority like voice.
  29. Caps Lock!
  30. The go-to choice for low voices.
  34. >>Chapter 93 - Part 2
  35. > I looked to my left to see several Royal Guard's walking towards us
  36. They’re already near civilization?
  37. Did they do the most obvious thing and teleported back to Canterlot?
  38. Or did we just skip several days of walking? If that’s the case, then why did Lance just ask Mr. Bleak to say he’s sorry right now?
  39. > <What? They know us.>
  40. > [Yeah, the pony version! They don't know the human version!]
  41. Doesn’t this seem like the kind of stuff that they should have cleared up much earlier?
  42. > The Royal Guard's stopped a few yards from us, looking at us wearily,
  43. These guards are a bunch of stern guys. They just saw two alien creatures and still carry their mission.
  44. > "Where is the Prince and his friend?!"
  45. “Things in Equestria have drastically improved since they disappeared; we want to keep it that way.”
  46. > Mr. Bleak furrowed his brow, "You're not the Royal Guard."
  47. What do you mean? They’re guards, and the group has been referring to them as “Royal Guards”.
  48. Was that supposed to be misdirection?
  49. >
  50. Oh, God. Is that what Captain Barehoof was wearing?
  51. Anyway, if the armour looks so distinctively different, how did you confuse them for Royal Guards?
  52. In fact, most, if not all guards are white or grey, this one is a very bright blue, shouldn’t that raise a few eyebrow?
  53. > The lead pony sighed
  54. So much for staying stoical.
  58. >>Chapter 93 - Part 3
  59. > "No, we are not. We're the Equestrian Army."
  60. Wait, those guys are still around?
  61. For those who don’t remember, the Equestrian Army was that branch of the Guard that was created by Celestia to defend Equestria from any foreign invasion despite one not happening in several centuries.
  62. And is a good thing she kept them around, since in the first twenty or so chapters a group of bronies ventured into the Griffin Empire and it sparked some international tension. Some Guards were even stationed over Equestria, I wond—
  63. Oh...
  64. OH…
  65. On one hand, I think it’s ok that Kickass is at least trying to use the stuff he had already set up instead of coming up with random plot points to keep the story going.
  66. On the other hand, freaking Griffin/Pony war, man. I don’t think I could take it.
  67. > "But, I thought they were for foreign affairs only?"
  68. > "This place is out of Equestria jurisdiction."
  69. Wait, what!?
  70. > I shrugged, "Seems legit."
  71. No, no it doesn’t.
  72. You mean to tell me that Lance and Fred actually ‘left’ Equestria?
  73. And they really didn’t think about sending some guards with him? He’s the God damned prince!
  74. And when Luna found out that his husband was being held captive in another country, why didn’t she contact that country’s leaders and said “Hey, the Prince of Equestria is being held hostage in your country, we request your assistance in his rescue.”
  75. Why must everything be done in the most stupid way possible in this universe!?
  76. > The pony then frowned, "Now, where is the Prince and his friend?"
  77. > I smiled, "Well, I'm his friend, and he's right behind you."
  78. “You should definitely take my word for it.”
  79. > Luna sighed, "Arise, you do not have to bow to me out here."
  80. Why not? You’re still the Princess, technically, you’re still her boss.
  81. Then again, I know nothing about international politics, so I’ll shut up.
  85. >>Chapter 93 - Part 4
  86. > The soldiers stood up, all confused by why the Prince was a human.
  87. Why do they just accept that the weird hairless ape is telling the truth?
  88. They don’t have any confirmation from Luna about his identity either, for all they know, the alien is holding Luna hostage.
  89. > "What is your name soldier?"
  90. > “Sargent Dune, your highness!"
  91. Wait… Dune? Oh, God. I remember this guy.
  92. This was the asshole that went partying in Manehattan instead of guarding it like he was supposed to do.
  93. Also, why is he a Sergeant? I thought the guard only had “leaders”.
  94. > Frederic nodded, "I would like to thank you and your stallion's for coming here. But, we've already got it under control."
  95. Yeah, thanks for coming ‘after’ all the uninteresting fighting was over.
  96. > Luna looked around, "Sargent, I would like you to gather your stallion's and secure this town.”
  97. You’re still in the town?
  98. So the first fifth of the chapter titled “Returning home” is ‘not’ spend returning home?
  99. Are they even going to return home in this chapter?
  100. > Mr. Bleak pointed into the house, "And here's the leader of them, I think he should be brought back to Canterlot."
  101. No. No he shouldn’t.
  102. Fred sent Richard to the center of the Earth because he tried to kill him and his friends.
  103. Val wanted to release an ancient evil that would help him take over Equestria. Don’t take him back to Canterlot, kill him already.
  104. > I nodded, "And the pony in the basement, I want him to be punished!"
  105. “Everyone else in this town is equally guilty, but that guy attacked ‘me’, therefore he should be punished more than the rest.”
  106. > Frederic laughed, "I will make certain of that one Lance.... what's that in your arms?"
  107. You’ve been with them all this time, why are you only asking about the Phoenix now?
  111. >>Chapter 93 - Part 5
  112. > "Oh, it's a Phoenix... and the bad news is, Mr. Bleak broke its wing!"
  113. He should have just killed him and have him regenerate. It would have been the merciful thing to do.
  114. > Mr. Bleak chuckled, "I had too."
  115. No you didn’t, you unbelievable asshole.
  116. > He then picked up his unconscious brother and threw him over his back.
  117. > Wait... WHAT?! "He's your brother?!"
  118. Why does nobody talk to each other in this fic?
  119. This entire arc could have been avoided if Mr. Bleak would have simply told everyone what was happening in Pleasant Fields.
  120. > “I'll explain everything to you at a later date.”
  121. I hate you more than I hate anyone in this fic.
  122. Individually, I mean. I still hate the Break/Lance/Dawn combo more.
  123. > His grandson soon followed, leaving us all behind.
  124. I just realised that Starch did absolutely nothing relevant.
  125. He only managed to beat up a bunch of stallions who Mr. Bleak could have easily fought on his own.
  126. I think he was only introduced to satiate Kickass222urmom’s OC addiction, and to give Mr. Bleak someone with whom he could talk.
  127. > [My mind is so full of fuck right now...]
  128. I would have used a different expletive there, but I’ll give you that one.
  129. > The soldier's had moved on and were following Frederic's and Luna's orders. Twilight was talking to Luna, and Frederic... Frederic was air drumming....
  130. Prince of Equestria, ladies and gentlemen.
  131. > funny shit right there.
  132. I agree with every word in that statement except for the first one.
  133. > I smiled, "So, what should we name you?"
  134. Well, you named your dog “Churchill” because you’re an alleged World War II buff.
  135. Call him FDR or Hirohito; I know you don’t have the balls to call the phoenix “Hitler”
  136. > [Is it a boy, or a girl?]
  137. Oh, right. The phoenix is a girl.
  138. I guess WWII is out of the question.
  142. >>Chapter 93 - Part 6
  143. > <Hmmm, judging from the show, the females have those two things on their heads. But the males have nothing. This is clearly a female.>
  144. You chose to take one thing from the show and it was ‘this’?
  145. God damn it, Kickass…
  146. > I thought for a second, "Kara?"
  147. What’s wrong with normal names?
  148. > This is how you pronounch the name.
  149. >
  150. Was the name not dumb enough, Kickass?
  151. Either way, whenever someone calls her that, I’m going to imagine they stop to enunciate the name like that.
  152. > I smiled, "You like that name?"
  153. > It nodded again and smiled.
  154. Of course she likes it. How could anyone disagree with Lance?
  155. > “I should get back to the house. I don't think leaving Fawn and Spark with your mother was a good idea."
  156. Yeah, why leave them with the only remotely decent character of the entire fic?
  157. > [Twilight] sighed, "I wish I could hear [Break and Dawn] all the time.”
  158. No, Twilight.
  159. No, you don’t.
  160. > “I just wonder what they say about me when we're together."
  161. Since Lance never speaks with his wife, he never told him about how Break is hornier than a teenage boy in the middle of puberty and how Dawn has no personality at all.
  162. Therefore, I can forgive Twilight for being curious.
  163. > [Hey baby! How about we go and fuck up a bed!]
  164. > <YEAH! Look at that ass! I so want to ride her!>
  165. > [Let us see your gorgeous pussy! Let us have a peek!]
  166. > <I want to fuck you all night long!>
  167. > [YEAH! Take it in the ass bitch!]
  168. Damn, these two are a couple of assholes.
  169. And why is Dawn joining in? Break is supposed to be the over sexed moron.
  170. > {Don't call her a bitch.}
  171. “I am ok with you thinking that way about my wife, though.”
  172. > Twilight jumped back, "Lance! Is that what is always going through your head?!"
  173. Luna made it so Twilight could hear Lance’s thoughts, because why not.
  177. >>Chapter 93 - Part 7
  178. > She nodded, "Exactly, no more bed time fun for you for a long, LONG time."
  179. While I’m all for this, why is Lance being punished for what his asshole consciences say?
  180. > [Good thing Twilight doesn't have us on a leash! Remember when she told us to take the Princess that dress, and Lance used it to make a tent? That was fucking funny!]
  181. Is this supposed to be funny? Because it isn’t.
  182. We’re just reading about how a douchebag did douche things.
  183. > My eyes widened again, "Huh... fuck me."
  184. No, that’s not happening. Twilight said that she wouldn’t let you have any.
  185. Weren’t you listening?
  186. > {Fuck you Break! You just screwed us!}
  187. > [I regret nothing!]
  188. Of course you don’t. You’re an even bigger asshole than Lance.
  189. > Her mane and tail suddenly caught fire and her coat turned a faint white, and her eyes turned a pure red.
  190. Remember? That’s a thing that happened in the show.
  191. > I gave her a small wave, "I see your rage, so, I'll use this card." I pulled a random card out of my jacket. It read, 'Get the fuck out of town!'
  192. So, not only did Lance conveniently have a random card in his jacket, but he decided to this was the best opportunity to make a joke, while his wife is yelling him.
  193. > "No can do Twi! I don't plan on getting lectured!"
  194. You should have thought of that before marrying someone who has “lecturing” as one or her traits.
  195. > "Luna! Teleport me! Hurry!"
  196. “Help me evade my deserving punishment!”
  197. > I began to run circles around them, Twilight still trying to catch me.
  198. > <Dayum! She is over the top pissed off!>
  199. So pissed that she won’t even think about restraining you with magic.
  203. >>Chapter 93 - Part 8
  204. > "You know where to send me!" I yelled out seconds before I was engulfed in a bright light.
  205. Does she? While you did mention that you were going to take Kara to Fluttershy’s cottage, why should Luna assume that that is the place you wanted to go immediately instead of, say, checking on your kids?
  206. Also, this just further proves that Fred and Lance are idiots for not teleporting to Pleasant Fields from Ponyville and saving over five days of trekking.
  207. > I chuckled and looked around, "Now... where is the cottage?"
  208. Yeah, the cottage. Why didn’t Luna teleport you to the cottage instead of the forest?
  209. If you’re saying she just teleported him nearby because Luna can’t pinpoint the exact location to drop Lance, then why didn’t she teleport him to Ponyville, where there’d be less of a chance of running into a dangerous creature?
  210. And if you’re willing to say that Luna couldn’t predict where Lance would arrive due to the extreme distance, then why risk teleporting him in the first place? He could have materialised inside of a tree, or a wall.
  211. > <*Sigh* Go left.>
  212. When did Dawn become omniscient? Or, well, aware of everything that happens in his surroundings.
  213. He didn’t have it before Pleasant Fields, I think the first time that was mentioned was when he found the location of Drake’s journal under that loose plank, but decided ‘not’ to use it when Storm attacked him with a shovel, that would have been a useful time to use that ability.
  214. > I looked left and saw the path leading up to her house, "Oh, awesome.
  215. So the whole previous paragraph served no purpose.
  216. Great.
  217. > Fluttershy's cottage
  218. If Lance is already walking towards the cottage, and it’s so damn close, was there a real reason to use this transition?
  219. Also, Fluttershy’s cottage. You know what that means; say hello to Plot Contrivance.
  220. > "Is it safe?" Fluttershy asked Alexander
  221. No, Fluttershy. It’s never safe in the Living-verse.
  225. >>Chapter 93 - Part 9
  226. > [Plot Contrivance] chuckled, "One hundred percent. Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to you, I promise."
  227. So… Why has PC taken it to himself to protect Fluttershy?
  228. I assume that it’s because she took care of him when he was surprisingly not dead after his crash in the forest, and now he wants to pay her back.
  229. Granted, that seems like a reasonable and selfless motive, but it raises a question.
  230. How has Malbatorus reacted to this?
  231. Remember, he was only out flying, and had been spending a lot of time with Fluttershy before that. Now, this guy appeared out of nowhere and is spending a lot of time with the girl he likes.
  232. I’m sure he’d have something to say about it.
  233. So, where has he been? It’s been several days after all, that whole Pleasant Fields issue took at least a week.
  234. > Alexander smiled and pointed his hoof to
  235. I’ll cut it right there, he’s just showing Fluttershy the portal gun.
  236. It makes you wonder why he’s showing that to her just now, it’s been a whole week. What were they doing during all that ti—You know? Let’s just move on.
  237. > Fluttershy aww'd
  238. “aww” is not a verb.
  239. > causing Alexander to smile.
  240. Ugh…
  241. He’s going to win that contest, isn’t he?
  242. > "EEP!" Fluttershy jumped back from the door.
  244. > "Fluttershy! It's me, Lance."
  245. Trust the hairless ape!
  246. > "Yes, I'm only in my normal form."
  247. For a given value of normal, that is.
  248. > Normal form? What's that suppose to mean?
  249. I assume it means that his other forms are subnormal.
  250. > Fluttershy smiled slightly, "What brings you to me house?"
  251. “I realised you’re starting to speak with awful grammar, so I’m here to show you what will you become if you don’t stop.”
  252. > "Well, I have a new pet Phoenix, Kara, and her wing is broke. Could you fix it for us?"
  253. Not “heal her”, but rather “fix it”.
  254. Because it’s not as if this is a smart creature with feelings, right?
  258. >>Chapter 93 - Part 10
  259. > Alexander walked to the door to see a... holy shit!
  260. Kickass222urmom surely gets invested on the narration.
  261. > A human... a very familiar human.
  262. Of course he’s familiar. Everyone on Earth knew Lance. Why, perish the thought of someone not orbiting our protagonist’s life.
  263. > The guy, who's name appears to be Lance
  264. What do you mean by “appears to be”? You already recognised him, you KNOW he’s Lance.
  265. > "Whoa! Alexander, I didn't know you were a brony."
  266. > "Closest brony... kinda wish I hadn't been one though."
  267. I am going to assume you meant “closet”. And instead of making the easy homosexual joke, I’ll just congratulate Plot Contrivance on hiding his power level until his timely death.
  268. > Lance laughed and looked inside, "So, you with Fluttershy?"
  269. “I naturally assume so, since it’s not as if a man and a woman can be anything other thatn a couple, right Deela?”
  270. > “you have to talk to Seth about a contest."
  271. > "Well damn, I guess I'll go talk to him tomorrow."
  272. Or you could just ignore this whole ordeal and go back to…
  273. Huh… There’s really nothing preferable in this fic.
  274. > I chuckled
  275. Enough with the chuckling!
  276. > "You fix the wing?"
  277. “The radiator was leaking as well, did you check that?”
  278. > "Just no flying, okay?" Fluttershy said to Kara.
  279. You mean… forever? IS it going to be okay for her to fly anytime soon? Shouldn’t you be saying that?
  280. > She squawked in joy and half flew, half walked to me. She dived into my arms and snuggled up to me again.
  281. It’s amazing how easily a majestic creature could bond with such an awful person, but I guess traumatic experiences have done weirder things to people.
  282. > Yep, I love this Phoenix.... in the way a man loves his best friend, and his best friend being his dog.
  283. Are you sure you want to use that example, Lance?
  284. Because you completely neglected your dog to the point that he ran away with his brothers.
  288. >>Chapter 93 - Part 11
  289. > I stood up and chuckled
  290. The constant chuckling isn’t getting any more bearable.
  291. > She smiled, "It was nothing really, I just bandaged her wing."
  292. I’m sure there are more precautions to be taken with a broken limb, especially when said limb is a wing. But what do I know? I’m not a paramedic. Then again, neither is Kickass.
  293. > "And I thank you for that."
  294. “It’s a good thing you work for gratitude, because I wasn’t planning on paying you a single bit.”
  295. >I then looked at Alexander, "I'll see you around, good luck."
  296. I am not happy with the way the plot will develop.
  297. > Four hours of walking later
  298. Even when in human form, Lance refuses to acknowledge the existence of other methods of transportation.
  299. > I finally stepped up to Dali's house
  300. Hey, why are you still living with Deela? It’s been several months since your house was wrecked. Couldn’t have you been living somewhere else?
  301. I’m sure the Princesses would have been more than glad to let you stay in the Castle, or give you another house.
  302. Hell, move back to the Library. It’s still there, isn’t it? And Twilight is still technically the owner, right?
  303. Why do you have to leech on Deela?
  304. > sweat pouring down my face.
  305. One would have thought that Lance’s physical fitness as a Pegasus would translate to fitness as a human, but apparently that’s not the case.
  306. Either way, this kind of thing wouldn’t happen if you just took a da—
  310. >>Chapter 93 - Part 11
  311. > I'm so glad they have a train, but why did it have to break down five miles from the city!
  312. I don’t know how to react. Lance finally took a god damned train, after ninety chapters of relying on his wings to take him everywhere.
  313. And, just as with anything that even barely resembles a good decision in the Living-Verse, it’s riddled with problems:
  314. 1) Why has he never used the train? One would think that it would be a better alternative than flying on your own between two cities.
  315. 2) Didn’t anyone find it slightly odd that a large hairless ape and a phoenix are taking the train? Did they have an encounter with the guards in which Lance had to prove his identity?
  316. 3) For this one, I am going to use metric system because fuck the imperial system: If the train broke down eight kilometres from Canterlot, and Lance has spent the last four hours walking, as indicated in the transition. That means that Lance has been going at two kilometres per hour since the train broke down. For reference, the average walking speed of a human being is five kilometres per hour. Therefore, Lance has been walking at what can’t even be considered a calm pace and still managed to get tired and work up a sweat. Either that or he took the most roundabout way to get to Canterlot. Whatever the case, screw him.
  317. > I opened the door to see Spark and Fawn playing with a few blocks and toys.
  318. Wait… Twilight said that she had left the kids with Lance’s mom. When did she bring them to Deela’s house? And why? How could she have known that his son and daughter in law were returning?
  319. > They turned to the door, and both looked instantly scared.
  320. A reasonable reaction to seeing walk through your door.
  321. I wonder how will Lance try to reach to his children and convince them that, despite his looks, he’s still his fath—
  325. >>Chapter 93 - Part 12
  326. > "It's me, guys. You know, dad."
  327. > They both looked at each other and smile. They then ran towards me yelling 'daddy'.
  328. Well, that takes care of it.
  329. And thank God it did, we almost had depth for a moment there.
  330. Also, did Spark just speak?
  331. > I chuckled and bent down, "Look what I have."
  332. “It’s the chuckling disease, you are now infected.”
  333. > Kara looked over at them and then hide herself in my jacket.
  334. Oh, come on, Kara.
  335. I know Spark is hideous, but that’s not his fault. And Fawn is downright watchable by OC standards.
  336. > Spark, to my surprise, said, "It's so cute."
  337. Eeyup. Spark talked. It’s only been what, four months?
  338. > <Wait... Spark can talk now?!>
  339. I am unfazed by this, of course he doesn’t know, why should he care? He’s only his son.
  340. > [How much did we miss in our week away?]
  341. Considering that the last time you really spent time with them was before you got hospitalised, I think the answer is “a lot”.
  342. > I still get over Spark being able to talk! He can actually form full sentences...
  343. He’s already surpassed you in every way!
  347. >>Chapter 93 - Part 13
  348. > I feel like Twilight has something to do with this.
  349. I don’t think there’s anything you could have done to influence your son in any positive way.
  350. > [Or Greg...]
  351. What could Greg have done to make Spark talk? What made you arrive at that conclusion?
  352. > He smiled, "You look awesome dad."
  353. He’s just a kid, he doesn’t know better.
  354. > “mommy is gonna be kinda mad at daddy... So he'll be sleeping on the couch probably."
  355. “Daddy is lucky, he should have died a long time ago if anyone realised how awful he actually is.”
  356. > They laughed and Fawn said, "We'll sleep with you daddy, won't we Spark?"
  357. “Yeah! Let’s sleep with daddy even though we don’t know why mom is mad at him, why he looks like this, or where mommy is!”
  358. > And there goes my heart!
  359. Pffft… I wish.
  360. > "Oh and dad! Grandma wants to tell you something important."
  361. No!
  362. Why must you bring Dana back into this madness? Leave the poor woman alone.
  363. > I sighed, this is not good.
  364. You’re damn right it’s not.
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