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  1. Transcript of AVGN episode Spider-Man
  2. EDIT
  3.  
  4. COMMENTS (5)
  5.  
  6. SHARE
  7. The Nerd: Spider-Man on the Atari 2600. Let's pop this sucker in here. We're playing with the Atari wireless controller. Pretty nifty, right? Atari was ahead of their time. So, you're just climbing up the building, you're shooting with the web, which is, like, black for some reason. It almost looks like Spider-Man's shooting out like a long turd or something. And, you can't touch anything, except the yellow parts, so, oh, the web didn't reach, oh, and I'm falling, but you can save yourself if you just keep shooting the web. So, anyway, you're just trying to get up here. You can shoot diagonal too, but it's really finicky with the controller. Aw, FUCK! Oh, God! Oh, shit! This game is just fucking horrible!
  8.  
  9. (Spider-Man enters.)
  10.  
  11. The Nerd: Holy shit! It's Spider-Man!
  12.  
  13. Spider-Man: You need some help with this game?
  14.  
  15. The Nerd: I sure do! This shitty-ass fucking game's driving me nuts!
  16.  
  17. Spider-Man: This game can't be shitty. This is Spider-Man!
  18.  
  19. The Nerd: Yeah, it's Spider-Man, but sorry, Spider-Man, this game really does suck.
  20.  
  21. Spider-Man: You must be doing something wrong. Let me help you with this game.
  22.  
  23. The Nerd: You'll help me with this game?
  24.  
  25. Spider-Man: Absolutely.
  26.  
  27. The Nerd: Oh, gee-whizz, thanks, Spider-Man!
  28.  
  29. Spider-Man: I'll show you how it's done. See, you gotta press the up, right?
  30.  
  31. The Nerd: Yeah, I got that part.
  32.  
  33. Spider-Man: It's really so easy, it's practically boring in a way. You could just go up, up, up. See I like going diagonal because it sometimes gets boring going straight. Getting to the top. Getting to the top. (Creates a little rap) "James likes the little web. Little web, little web, little web, little web, little web."
  34.  
  35. The Nerd: What is that thing supposed to be? It's-it's like a checkerboard or like a disco cube or something.
  36.  
  37. Spider-Man: That's the Superbomb.
  38.  
  39. The Nerd: The Superbomb?
  40.  
  41. Spider-Man: The Superbomb.
  42.  
  43. The Nerd: Well, there's bombs in the game, why can't that bomb look like a bomb?
  44.  
  45. Spider-Man: It's fucking Spider-Man!
  46.  
  47. The Nerd: Yeah, I know!
  48.  
  49. Spider-Man: Watch this.
  50.  
  51. The Nerd: You can't touch the Superbomb.
  52.  
  53. Spider-Man: Wait, you gotta go around it?
  54.  
  55. The Nerd: Oh, there you go, oh, no! He's gonna hit you, he's gonna hit you! AH! Ah, you're falling, you're falling! Oh, my- uh! When you let go- you know what's gonna happen when you let go of that button? You're gonna fall.
  56.  
  57. Spider-Man: (groans) You know, this is starting to piss me off, actually.
  58.  
  59. The Nerd: There you go, come on! Ah, you died.
  60.  
  61. Spider-Man: Well, you were talking to me! FUCKLOAD OF SHIT!
  62.  
  63. The Nerd: This is YOUR game! YOUR GAME!
  64.  
  65. Spider-Man: SHIT-FUCK! FUCK! GOD--FUCK! (Yells angrily and takes game out of Atari while he uses web and the song plays the first level theme of "Fester's Quest".) THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER BALLS! IT'S HORRIBLE!
  66.  
  67. (Spider-Man smashes game to ground.)
  68.  
  69. The Nerd: Don't worry, Spider-Man, it's only a game. Here, have a beer.
  70.  
  71. Spider-Man: I don't want this corporate bullshit.
  72.  
  73. The Nerd: It's Rolling Rock.
  74.  
  75. Spider-Man: It's Shit Rock. (Pours beer out, shows Yuengling bottle.) Stick to the local brew. (The Nerd takes swig.) That's the local brew. (The Nerd approves the beer taste, gives it a thumbs up.)
  76.  
  77. The Nerd: Well, we got another game on the NES, and we're gonna play it in the Top-loader. Yeah, we're being pretty fancy today. The game's Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit. (real title: "Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six.")
  78.  
  79. Spider-Man: I'm trying to understand the controls here.
  80.  
  81. The Nerd: Alright, A punches, if you tap A, it does like a jump kick. Oh, you hold the button, and it shoots the web. The control is awful and the worst thing about trying to review a game with bad controls is that you can't explain it. You can only jump straight up. Unless you-you already push-
  82.  
  83. Spider-Man: You know, you're pushing the wrong buttons.
  84.  
  85. The Nerd: No, I'm not! Look, I can't even hit this guy! Oh, look at this!
  86.  
  87. Spider-Man: Get him! Why are you fucking jerking around?
  88.  
  89. The Nerd: Even when I'm falling, I can't steer myself.
  90.  
  91. Spider-Man: Why are you jumping all over the place?
  92.  
  93. The Nerd: Because every time I hit the button it, like, jumps.
  94.  
  95. Spider-Man: Well, wait for him to come to you!
  96.  
  97. The Nerd: There's no, like jump kick move, like you can't jump then do an attack.
  98.  
  99. Spider-Man: Well, then, don't do that move!
  100.  
  101. The Nerd: Well, he- I can't hit him when he's in the air.
  102.  
  103. Spider-Man: Well, wait for him to come down, then!
  104.  
  105. The Nerd: Look, now what's he doing? He's not gonna come up. I can't even tell if I’m hitting him.
  106.  
  107. Spider-Man: Oh, you got him!
  108.  
  109. The Nerd: Did I?
  110.  
  111. Spider-Man: The power bar went down, but you're gonna fucking die way before than he does.
  112.  
  113. The Nerd: Come on, damn it!
  114.  
  115. Spider-Man: Just wait. Patience. There's no fucking clock in this game. There's only 20 of 'em... in the background.
  116.  
  117. The Nerd: Thank fucking Lord!
  118.  
  119. Spider-Man: Alright.
  120.  
  121. The Nerd: Look, see, you can't even kill that one guy.
  122.  
  123. Spider-Man: But is it necessary to kill them in all honesty? Do we have to kill everybody we see? I'm the Nerd. I'm the Nerd. Look how I play. I go back and forth, back and forth. This is what the Nerd does. He goes back and forth. And this level is fucking annoying me. There's nothing up here, so you go down, and you go down, and then you.... kill something and you fucking go down, and you can't go that way, so you, you go up. Alright, God-damn it! There's nothing over here. What the fuck's the point of this? Alright, you know what? This-this game's a piece of shit. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, I don't know where the fuck I'm going, I can't get up here! Do it, damn it!
  124.  
  125. The Nerd: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
  126.  
  127. The Nerd and Spider-Man: IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT!
  128.  
  129. Spider-Man: IT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRAP! (Takes game out using web and destroys it while the song plays "New Junk City" from Earthworm Jim on Sega Genesis.)
  130.  
  131. The Nerd: Alright, we got another game on the Game Boy. To play the Game Boy, you need the game. Here's the Game, that's the Boy, this is the Game Boy. The game is The Amazing Spider-Man, and believe it or not, the control is even worse. The punch is delayed, like a full second later. And that was the web? That's ridiculous. How do I get up?
  132.  
  133. Spider-Man: Jump! Jump!
  134.  
  135. The Nerd I am jumping! Look, it won't-
  136.  
  137. Spider-Man: You look fucking retarded. See, now you're being Spider-Man. Shit. Alright, now you're fucking being dead.
  138.  
  139. The Nerd: Look at this; there's just all this falling rock crap on me. Wow, there's a suicide button in the game!
  140.  
  141. Spider-Man: Well, what do you expect? You're fucking jumping while you're trying to hang on to a building.
  142.  
  143. The Nerd: I can't climb up there!
  144.  
  145. Spider-Man: Go in!
  146.  
  147. The Nerd: I'm trying!
  148.  
  149. Spider-Man: You have to jump to it.
  150.  
  151. The Nerd: Oh, okay. So that's what the jump button's for. Okay, you're pretty much depended on the web to get over some of these jumps. But, how do you do the web? I don't know. The control just does whatever the fuck it wants! LOOK AT THAT! HOLY SHIT! Oh, my God, I can't- I tried to jump, I swear! This is God-awful, this is ass.
  152.  
  153. Spider-Man: Let me try the game out.
  154.  
  155. The Nerd: Knock yourself out.
  156.  
  157. (Spider-Man climbs to ceiling.)
  158.  
  159. The Nerd: What are you doing on my fucking ceiling?
  160.  
  161. Spider-Man: Okay, I agree, the control is a little delayed, but- oh; and then you fucking just do this-
  162.  
  163. The Nerd: What are you going to do there?
  164.  
  165. Spider-Man: I don't know. God-damn it! (exclaims) Alright, this guy's fucking impossible. Get over here, you fucking son-of-a-bitch! (while hitting himself with Game Boy) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GAME DESIGNERS?! (hits ceiling with Game Boy) THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOING! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS TO ME! THEY MADE A GAME OUT OF ME, AND IT'S FUCKING SHIT! IT'S HORRIBLE!
  166.  
  167. (Throws Game Boy to ground, smashing it.)
  168.  
  169. The Nerd: One more game. Spider-Man 2 on the Game Boy Advance. Well, I'm playing it on my DS, to be exact. Alright, well, this is the first level of the game, you gotta deliver pizzas.
  170.  
  171. Spider-Man: They put that in a video game?
  172.  
  173. The Nerd: Well, that's pretty weird, yeah. I mean, you delivered pizzas before though, right?
  174.  
  175. Spider-Man: No, no, no, I never did that.
  176.  
  177. The Nerd: Yeah, you did in the movie, Spider-Man 2.
  178.  
  179. Spider-Man: I did that at one point, but I don't want people fucking knowing about that.
  180.  
  181. The Nerd: Did you ever have to break a window to deliver a pizza?
  182.  
  183. Spider-Man: Not on purpose, but for them to put that in the game, it's insulting, and it's-
  184.  
  185. The Nerd: Yeah, I agree.
  186.  
  187. Spider-Man: I'm a superhero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
  188.  
  189. The Nerd: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
  190.  
  191. (Spider-Man flips the Nerd off.)
  192.  
  193. Spider-Man: I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fucking ass!
  194.  
  195. (Kyle Justin plays a parody of the Spider-Man theme song)
  196.  
  197. Kyle Justin: Spider-Man, Spider-Man,
  198.  
  199. Takes a dump in a coffee can,
  200.  
  201. Plays some games with a grudge,
  202.  
  203. Gonna shit out some anal fudge,
  204.  
  205. Look out, here comes some shitty games.
  206.  
  207. Alcohol is his power source,
  208.  
  209. Takes a piss like a drunken horse,
  210.  
  211. Climbs a wall, then he falls,
  212.  
  213. This game sucks his spider balls,
  214.  
  215. Oh, no, he's playing the shitty games.
  216.  
  217. When he plays his games,
  218.  
  219. He feels so ashamed,
  220.  
  221. He shoots webs from his wrist,
  222.  
  223. But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed.
  224.  
  225. Angry Nerd, Angry Nerd,
  226.  
  227. Rather suck on a frozen turd,
  228.  
  229. Or eat some crap from a moose,
  230.  
  231. Gonna chug down some poopy juice.
  232.  
  233. These games,
  234.  
  235. Are such a great big fuck-up,
  236.  
  237. They make you want to throw up,
  238.  
  239. All over Spider-Man.
  240.  
  241. Categories:
  242. Transcripts
  243. Showing 2 most recent
  244. 5 comments
  245. Please log in to post a comment on this wiki.
  246.  
  247. ~~~~~
  248.  
  249. Transcript of 2006 AVGN Episode Chronologically Confused about Bad Movie and Video Game Sequel Titles
  250. EDIT
  251.  
  252. COMMENTS (7)
  253.  
  254. SHARE
  255. Let me take you back when Capcom's Street Fighter II came out. I've never heard of the first one, but hey! It's an awesome game. Can't wait for Street Fighter III. Then comes Street Fighter II': The Champion Edition. Oh, cool. Street Fighter III's up next, right? Nope, Street Fighter II Turbo. Okay. Awesome. Can't wait for Street Fighter III. Super Street Fighter II? Umm, cool. Uh, Street Fighter III? Super Street Fighter II Turbo. WHAT THE FUCK? At first, I thought all these updates were nice to hold you over, but how many times can you update the same fucking game? It's getting ridiculous. I'm not gonna buy it again. Well, then finally comes Street Fighter Alpha, then Street Fighter Alpha 2, and then after that, I honestly lost track. There eventually was a Street Fighter III, like nine million versions of it. But, there was also Street Fighter Zero, Street Fighter EX, EX2, and EX2+. Not to mention way back on the NES there was Street Fighter 2010. I couldn't tell you where that fits in.
  256.  
  257. And speaking of Capcom, Mega Man's another series where the numbering got confusing. There's Mega Man I through VI on the Nintendo, but on the Super Nintendo, there was Mega Man X, which at the time, I thought Mega Man 10. But then came Mega Man X2 and X3. Strangely enough, there was a Mega Man VII on Super Nintendo, after all. That's right. Two different series going on at the same time. Now, on the PlayStation consoles, there was Mega Man X4, X5, X6, X7, and X8. There was even a Mega Man 8, a regular Mega Man 8 on the PlayStation. Now, only if they made a Mega Man 9, it would come full circle. (NOTE: As of 2010, Mega Man 9 and 10 have since been released.) It doesn't end there, either. What's this? Mega Man: Battle Network series? Mega Man 64 (know as Mega Man Legends)? Did they really make it that far? No. That was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 after every fucking title.
  258.  
  259. Another thing that really grinds my shit is when Japanese and American releases of games differ. The results can also be pretty confusing. A good example is when Super Mario Bros. 2 in Japan wasn't released in America until later, but what we got in its place was a completely different version, though it was still called Super Mario Bros. 2. The Japanese version came later as The Lost Levels.
  260.  
  261. The Final Fantasy series is a prime example. Not being a hardcore fan, I'll attempt to explain it to the very best of my knowledge. From what I understand, Final Fantasy II, at the time of its Japanese release, wasn't released in the U.S. Neither was Final Fantasy III. But when Final Fantasy IV came out here, and because we didn't have II or III, it wouldn't have made sense to call it IV, so, what do they do? They just call it II. Now, Final Fantasy V wasn't released in here, either. So, when VI came out, that became III. Final Fantasy III also happens to be one of my all-time favorite games on the Super Nintendo. Now remember after that, SquareSoft started releasing the next Final Fantasy games on the PlayStation. Things changed, and now they weren't fucking with the titles anymore. So, when Final Fantasy VII came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII. And that's where the confusion began. I wondered, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO IV, V, and VI?" But what I really should have wondered, little did I know, was, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO II, III, and V?" Once I figured that out, I was all like, "So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about? I was playing VI all along and not III? WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING BULLFUCK!"
  262.  
  263. Now, let's talk about movies now. Cause I have a lot to say. One of the things that really brings my piss to a boil is when there's a movie that has a whole bunch of sequels, all conveniently numbered, but they suddenly decide to stop numbering them.
  264.  
  265. Take Halloween, for example: Halloween, Halloween II, Halloween III, Halloween IV, Halloween V, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Halloween: H20 and Halloween: Resurrection, oh, god. If it continues like this, years from now, future generations aren't gonna know which order these films came in, unless they do a little research first. What I want to know is why was it okay to number the first five, but not after that. Like, they're embarrassed they made so many. Not to mention each one just sucks harder and harder. And if anything, the more fucking sequels there are, the more necessary it would be to just fucking number ‘em.
  266.  
  267. The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I through VI were all numbered. But, when they stopped using the original cast from the show, and starting using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact, Star Trek: Insurrection, and Star Trek: Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But, where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek: Generations Star Trek VII, then why couldn't call it Star Trek: The Next Generation off the show, and then call the next one Star Trek: The Next Generation II, and just start a whole new line of sequels. But, hey! Some of the original cast was in Star Trek: Generations, so, instead, they should have called it Star Trek VII/The Next Generation: Part I. (Dr. Spock: Most illogical.) Actually, never mind. Just fuck it.
  268.  
  269. I've always praised the Rocky movies. What a perfect string of sequel titles. Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, and Rocky V. No subtitles, all Roman numbers, consistent, perfect. But, they're gonna fuck it all up now by calling the new one Rocky Balboa. Seriously, are you kidding me? Rocky Balboa? (Rocky: (slurred) Hey, My name's Rocky Balboa.) Why can't it be Rocky VI? Rocky Balboa sounds like it's the first one, but just adding his last name. And, what if they made another one? Would they include his middle initial? And then his date of birth? What a shitload of fuck! What kind of stupid excuse for a title is this? Reveal more of the character's name. It's like making a prequel to Forrest Gump, and just calling it Forrest.
  270.  
  271. Now, with talk of Rambo IV coming out, what are they gonna do? Call it John Rambo? (Rambo: Your worst nightmare.) And speaking of Rambo, that's a series that somehow completely changed its title. The first one was called First Blood. That's it. First Blood. The second one was called Rambo: First Blood Part II. And then, the third one was called Rambo III. So, what? They just forgot about First Blood? (Rambo: Fuck 'em.) The correct title would be: Rambo II: First Blood Part III.
  272.  
  273. The Alien series is also pretty fucked up. They start with Alien, then Aliens, which makes sense. First, there was one alien, and now there's many. The title's consistent with the plot, and it works. But then, uh-oh. They make a third one. Oh, gee, what are we gonna call it? It can't be Aliens's. That won't work. Besides, there's only one alien again. So, let's just call it Alien 3. That works. There's not really much else they would have called it. But now, you think it's time to start numbering the sequels from now on. Ya think? Or, would that be too traditional? Well, the next one's called Alien: Resurrection. At first, I thought it was a fucking joke. Apart from "Resurrection" being one of the most overused words to be found in a sequel, there's no reason not to use the number 4. I mean, you numbered the last movie. Why can't you number this one? So, what do you want to do? Do you want to number them? Or use cliché words? I don't care which, but make up your fucking minds! You don't start numbering sequels, and then go back to not numbering them, and there's more than one alien again! So, why isn't the title plural, like in Aliens? What were they thinking?
  274.  
  275. The title of Bruce Lee's first major film was called The Big Boss. But, when they released it here in the U.S., the American distributors, or whoever was responsible, decided to change the title to Fists of Fury. Okay, well that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called Fist of Fury. So, uh-oh. We fucked up. What are we gonna call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it Fist of Fury because we changed the last one to Fists of Fury. Call it The Chinese Connection. And from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.
  276.  
  277. Jackie Chan made a movie called Armour of God, and the sequel was called Armour of God 2: Operation Condor. Well, when that came out here in the U.S., there was a little difficulty. Armour of God wasn't out yet, so they decided to release the sequel here first, and change the title to just Operation Condor. Well, after that, Armour of God actually did make an American release, and it was called Operation Condor 2: Armor of God. A complete reversal.
  278.  
  279. Now, let's talk about the Zombie series. If you live in America, and if you're trying to follow the series, you'll find Zombie 1 through 6, but there's no Zombie 2. What the fuck? A movie series with a missing sequel. Well, here's the explanation. It started with George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead. Yes, that's right. The sequel to Night of the Living Dead. The European release of Dawn of the Dead was recut and the title was changed to Zombie. Then, there was an Italian made sequel called Zombi 2. Yes, that's right. A sequel to a sequel which spawned another line of sequels. Geez. Well, when Zombi 2 came out in America, they couldn't call it Zombie 2 because there was no Zombie. Calling it Dawn of the Dead 2 would have been wrong because it has nothing to do with Mr. Romero's original version. So, they just called it Zombie, instead. Yes, Zombi 2 is now Zombie. Not to be confused with the Italian version with Dawn of the Dead, which is also called Zombie. So, when Zombie 3 came out in America, they figured, "OK, fuck it. It's only going to keep getting more confusing. So just fucking call it Zombie 3 like it is. But, there's no Zombie 2. Fuck it! Don't change the titles anymore." Now, the UK, caught in between this mess, just decided to leave the title of Dawn of the Dead alone, and change Zombi 2 to Zombie Flesh Eaters. Then, Zombie 3 would become Zombie Flesh Eaters 2. And so on, and so on.
  280.  
  281. Speaking of movies with missing titles, whatever happened to the Naked Gun movies? First of all, why is the sequel called Naked Gun 2 1/2? What's half about it? After all, I assume they incorporated half the script from the third movie into it, and therefore includes half the next movie. I guess that makes sense, except for the fact that I never saw Naked Gun 3. Or 4. Or 5. Or any of them up to Naked Gun 33 1/3. I mean, how the fuck did I miss that many sequels? I couldn't even find them anywhere. They aren't even listed in Leslie Neilsen's filmography, so, I guess he wasn't in them. Somebody help me! I can't find them anywhere! Where's the other half of Naked Gun 3? And all the others up to 32? I can't fucking find them. Where are they? I think it's pretty impressive if they're all numbered, and that's gotta be a record for amount of sequels to a comedy. But, damn. That one just blows my mind.
  282.  
  283. Well, I gotta calm down now. So, that's enough of my gripes. Thanks for listening to my rants, and good fucking night.
  284.  
  285. (Final Fantasy VI Victory Fanfare begins playing.)
  286.  
  287. [at the end of the credits]: (fanfare stops) By the way, I'm just fucking around. (Implying he knows the weird Naked Gun sequel titles were deliberately done as a joke.)
  288.  
  289. Categories:
  290. Transcripts Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
  291.  
  292. ~~~~
  293.  
  294. Transcript of Console Wars
  295. EDIT
  296.  
  297. COMMENTS (3)
  298.  
  299. SHARE
  300. Atari 2600: I'm Atari. While I'm getting my ass handed to me by all of these newer systems, my legacy will live on.
  301.  
  302. (NES enters)
  303.  
  304. NES: Hi! I'm Nintendo! And I kick ass!
  305.  
  306. (Atari 2600 disappears and Sega Master System enters)
  307.  
  308. SMS: Move over, Nintendo! I'm the Sega Master System, and you're going down!
  309.  
  310. NES: Um, no. I got Mario. I got Zelda. You just suck balls!
  311.  
  312. SMS: Oh...well, wait 'til my big brother comes to rip your asshole inside out.
  313.  
  314. ~~~
  315.  
  316. Genesis: Look at me, I'm the Sega Genesis! What are you, still stuck with those 8-bit graphics?! I'm 16-bit! You can't do this on Nintendo. Genesis does what Nintendon't.
  317.  
  318. NES: So, are you saying that being 16-bit automatically makes you twice as good?
  319.  
  320. Genesis: Well...yeah.
  321.  
  322. NES: Who has the better games?! I do, you dumb bitch!
  323.  
  324. Genesis: Well, let me introduce Sonic the Hedgehog! He runs really fast and he's a lot more badass than that dickhead Mario.
  325.  
  326. NES: Gee...well, that is pretty cool, but why don't you meet my big brother?!
  327.  
  328. (NES disappears, and SNES enters)
  329.  
  330. SNES: I'm the Super Nintendo! I'm 16-bit too, so go fuck your facehole through your ass, you dick!
  331.  
  332. Genesis: Oh...well...I have...blast...processing.
  333.  
  334. SNES: Okay. And what is that?
  335.  
  336. Genesis: It's...i-it's blast processing.
  337.  
  338. SNES: Oh, okay. Whatever.
  339.  
  340. (Sega CD is planted on the side of the Genesis)
  341.  
  342. SNES: What is that?!
  343.  
  344. Genesis: This is the Sega CD, motherfucker!
  345.  
  346. SNES: And it uses CDs?
  347.  
  348. Genesis: Damn straight! What, are you still using cartridges? Get with the times!
  349.  
  350. SNES: Oh gee. I guess you got me there. How are the games?
  351.  
  352. Genesis: Well...
  353.  
  354. SNES: They suck, right?
  355.  
  356. (Atari Jaguar enters)
  357.  
  358. Jaguar: RAAAAH! You thought you heard the last from Atari, you puny fools?! I'm the Atari Jaguar, and I'm 64-bit!
  359.  
  360. SNES: (to Jaguar) You ain't 64-bit. Get the fuck out of here.
  361.  
  362. (Atari Jaguar exits)
  363.  
  364. SNES: (to Genesis) Now back to you, Sega shithead. What, do you think that CD thing on your side is gonna be your saving grace?
  365.  
  366. Genesis: Um...no. This is!
  367.  
  368. (Sega 32x is planted on the cartridge slot)
  369.  
  370. SNES: What the fuck is that?!
  371.  
  372. Genesis: 32X, motherfucker!
  373.  
  374. SNES: Awesome! Got any good games?
  375.  
  376. Genesis: Um...Doom!
  377.  
  378. SNES: Well, why's the sound suck, and why's half the levels missing?
  379.  
  380. Genesis: What are you saying?
  381.  
  382. SNES: I'm saying, "Why's my version of Doom better than yours?!"
  383.  
  384. Genesis: Um...I'm 32-bit!
  385.  
  386. SNES: 32-bit my ass! What's wrong with you?! You say CDs are the next big thing, but then you go back to cartridges?! You say you're more powerful than me, but then, why do you need all these extra addons?! What are you going to do next?! Add something else on top?!
  387.  
  388. Genesis: Um...yeah!
  389.  
  390. (Sega 32X is planted on top of the Sega 32x cartridge slot, which is planted on the Sega Genesis cartridge slot)
  391.  
  392. SNES: Okay. Go ahead! Keep stacking shit on top! You've already needed like three fucking power adapters to run that colossal mess you've created! Look at you! You're a fucking disaster! Why don't you just make a completely new system?!
  393.  
  394. Genesis: Fine! I will! Sega Neptune!
  395.  
  396. SNES: Really? Well, aren't you coming out with the Sega Saturn?!
  397.  
  398. Genesis: Yeah! We're hurrying it along!
  399.  
  400. SNES: And what about the Neptune?
  401.  
  402. Genesis: Oh, that? It's cancelled.
  403.  
  404. SNES: Too many systems, huh?
  405.  
  406. Genesis: Um...fuck you.
  407.  
  408. SNES: Fuck you! Try making some games next time!
  409.  
  410. Genesis: Well, where's your next system?
  411.  
  412. SNES: It's coming. It's been in the works for a while. See, we take our time with these things.
  413.  
  414. (Genesis disappears and enters a special effect Sega Saturn because James Rolfe didn't own a Saturn yet. There's also a note saying: "I Don't own a Saturn")
  415.  
  416. Saturn: Saturn is here, and you're going down.
  417.  
  418. SNES: Well, my time has passed. But, get ready to get your ass kicked!
  419.  
  420. (SNES exits, and N64 enters)
  421.  
  422. N64: I'm the N64. Get N, or Get Out!
  423.  
  424. (scene shows AVGN; played by James Rolfe of course)
  425.  
  426. The Nerd: So, whatever. I could keep going on and on, but you get the point. I just wanted to reenact with the video game wars that took place with Sega and Nintendo being the prime competitors. Now, (shows the Dreamcast to the audience) Sega eventually got it right with the Dreamcast. It was a pretty good system, but (puts the Dreamcast down) when Microsoft and Sony entered the competition, things got a little heavy, and uh, well, somebody had to go, and...now Sega's making games on Nintendo, which is crazy to think, back then, Mario and Sonic were the biggest enemies. Nobody would ever imagine that there would be a Sonic game on a Nintendo system. So, who won that battle, huh? All that talk about blast processing and "Genesis Does"...just bunch of bullshit. So, this was what was going on when I was growing up. Now there's a lot of younger gamers out there, who are growing up now, as we enter a new video game war. Um, you know, to think, it's pretty interesting. So, who's gonna win? Is it gonna be Nintendo again, or is it gonna be, um, Microsoft? Or is it going to be Sony? Well, I like the XBOX, and I like the Playstation. I like them all, but I'm just saying that I'm rooting for (grabs his bottle of Rolling Rock from nowhere) my champion Nintendo. So raise your Rolling Rock, or whatever you got, and here's...to the Wii. (drinks his bottle of Rolling Rock)
  427.  
  428. ~~
  429.  
  430. Transcript of AVGN Episode Atari Jaguar (Part 1)
  431. EDIT
  432.  
  433. COMMENTS
  434.  
  435. SHARE
  436. Atari. Ah yes, a name so dearly loved from the golden age of history. A magical time when there was no Internet, no cell phones, just electronic video games.
  437.  
  438. Okay, it was the dark ages, but life was simple. Atari was the prime innovator of video arcades, home computers, and home video game consoles. The Atari 2600 revolutionized the game industry, and made popular the use of changeable cartridges and plug-in controllers. The games were primitive and choppy, but back in those days, they were fascinating.
  439.  
  440. But then there came competition. The Odyssey2, Intellivision, Colecovision, everyone was trying to take advantage of the video gaming craze. It wasn't like today where you have a choice of only three consoles. (Shows a picture of a Nintendo Wii, PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 together.) Back then, there were so many fucking video game systems it made your head spin! Also, there was no way to know which games were good and which games were bad, so consumers were alienated by an overblown market. So Atari made another console, the 5200. It replaced the TV/game switch with an automatic switch box. It also tried to eliminate the use of wires by plugging in the AC adapter directly into the switch box. But that only made it more confusing. The controllers had a pause button, which was new at the time, but the joysticks were faulty and unreliable. What it all came down to, the 5200 was an oversized piece of shit. I made a whole video about it, that's how much that sucks.
  441.  
  442. Following the video game crash of 1983 and '84, Nintendo and Sega would rise from the ashes, once again revolutionizing the market and ushering in a new generation of gaming. Atari threw their hat in the ring again with the 7800. This one resolved all the issues with the 5200. The controller ports allowed you to use the same controllers as the 2600, and it was also backwards-compatable with the 2600 games. The 7800 games featured better graphics, but didn't have much to offer in comparison with Nintendo. So, once again, it bit the dust.
  443.  
  444. Afterwards, Atari stopped naming their consoles after numbers, and instead started naming them after cats. The Atari Lynx was the first handheld console that was in color, but it found itself sandwiched between the more successful portable game systems, the Nintendo Game Boy and the Sega Game Gear. Though the Lynx was cool, gamers found it to be a bit bulky, even with the Lynx II, the new design model. The Lynx I took more batteries and drained them faster than the Game Boy. Also, it didn't have the same third-party support as the others, so it lost again.
  445.  
  446. Meanwhile, Nintendo and Sega were in steady competition. But whether anyone preferred the NES library of games or the Sega Genesis games was a matter of opinion. However, the debate among fans and Sega's marketing campaign came down to one simple fact: The Genesis was 16-bit, while the NES was only 8.
  447.  
  448. This started a trend I like to call "The Bit Wars." Nobody ever talked about bits before then, and nobody ever talked about bits since, and what are bits anyway?! Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. (Imitates a kid and his parents talking to each other) "Ooh, I want a Super Nintendo for Christmas!" "Don't you already have a Nintendo?" "Yeah, but this one's 16-bit!" "What's that?" "Er... I dunno!" Other than it meaning the graphics were better, that's all we cared about. But the Bit Wars brought our sense of gaming down to numbers. People began to care more about the graphics and less about the actual gameplay. It was to the point that some consoles even used the number of bits in their name, like the TurboGrafx-16 and the Nintendo 64.
  449.  
  450. But in 1993, one console came along to remind us that bits aren't everything. It was the Atari Jaguar, and it was announced as the first 64-bit game system. We were like "Damn! 64?! That's like, four times the bits!" Even the official advertising slogan said "Do the math."
  451.  
  452. But beyond its vicious exterior and rotating Jaguar cube on the startup screen, it had little to offer. Gamers who were suckered in found a mediocre library of games and graphics that failed to impress. The controllers were huge and had keypads, much like the Colecovision and Intellivision, and they also had overlays which sometimes come in handy, but mostly they were unnecessary. The cartridges don't have end labels, so I had to make my own. Seriously, is there any good reason not to have end labels? I guess instead they have these weird handles. What's the point? Do I really need that extra grip? None of the other top-loading consoles had that. It's like "Uh, I can't get the game out, oh God, I need a handle, man, I just can't get a grip! Gotta have a handle!" And speaking of top-loading consoles, notice how they all have a door. That's to protect from dust. That's a good thing. But the Jaguar doesn't have that. Why not?
  453.  
  454. But before I can review any games, we need to discuss the graphics. This is Zool 2. Now, without criticizing the game, it's a typical sidescroller, but look at it. The graphics don't look any better than Sonic the Hedgehog (Shows the gameplay footage of Sonic the Hedgehog 3 on Sega Genesis.), and that was 16-bit. Maybe a bad choice of games, so let's give it the benefit of the doubt and try something else.
  455.  
  456. Brutal Sports Football. Another okay game. But once again, the graphics aren't too impressive. Where'd the other 48 bits go?
  457.  
  458. Let's try Checkered Flag. This showcases the graphical capabilities a little more, just the fact that it puts you into a three-dimensional environment. But compare it to F-Zero on Super Nintendo. 48 bits less, but a million times more appealing to the eye.
  459.  
  460. Now look at Cybermorph. It's a flying game with polygon graphics. Going back to Super NES one more time, look at Star Fox. Are we missing something here? For a game console that claims to be 64-bit, it really doesn't show a whole lot of improvement. This caused a lot of debate amongst gamers whether or not it really was 64-bit. It's a topic that usually overshadows the Jaguar itself, but it's something we just need to get out of the way.
  461.  
  462. Well, we do know that Atari was originally planning a 32-bit system called the Panther, but decided to skip it and leap ahead. The Jaguar still used a 32-bit graphic processing unit, but through a combination of other processors somehow added up to 64. It's technical and confusing. But the point is the Jaguar was a rare species, not built like most game consoles. That made it harder to program games on it and as a result, many games didn't utilize its full capabilities, whatever they could've been.
  463.  
  464. So I've given you a little of history on Atari and how it tried to win the Bit Wars. Now that we've got that out of the way, check in for part 2, we're actually play some Jaguar games. Or, if you wanna be cool, you say "play some Jag!"
  465.  
  466. (Super Cool Version) Check in for Part 2 and we'll play some Jag!
  467.  
  468. ~~~
  469.  
  470. The Nerd: Alright, let's play some Jag. We've already established that the graphics weren't much of a leap for 64 bits, but graphics aren't everything. Take a look at Tempest 2000. It's an arcade-style game with a 3-dimensional feel. It's really addicting and fun to play. Basically, you're in space with a bunch of 3D shapes to shoot stuff and collecting power-ups. Funny to think that something so simple happens to be one of the best games the Jaguar has to offer. It even has some good kickass music, so kickass that there was actually a soundtrack on CD. What's this monster on the cover? Does that ever happen in the game?
  471.  
  472. The Nerd: Let's check out Alien vs. Predator. It's a first-person sort of survival horror thing. You can play as not only the Alien and the Predator, but as the Marine. And with each character, your objectives are completely different. Surprisingly, it's most fun to play as the Marine, because you have the gun. But with the Alien and Predator, you have to sneak up on people. Not much to say, but it's another memorable game on the Jaguar.
  473.  
  474. The Nerd: Next up, the big motherfucker of first-person shooters: Doom. This is one of the best console ports of Doom that I've played. It comes as close to the PC version as it gets, but they had to ruin it with one thing: There's no music during the gameplay.
  475.  
  476. (no music plays during gameplay)
  477.  
  478. The Nerd: Really? Was there any reason not to have music? Did they run out of time? Some might consider it scarier that way, but it would've been nice to have the option. I call this one Silent Doom, so just put on some Slayer and you're all set.
  479.  
  480. The Nerd: So I think I've covered most of the real famous Jaguar games, so now let's look at something more obscure: Attack of the Mutant Penguins. I gotta admit, the name alone got my attention.
  481.  
  482. The Nerd: What the Hell's going on? From what I understand, there's a bunch of penguins walking around. They buy tickets and then go into a transformation booth where they become evil mutant penguins. And from there, they go to the Doom Scale, yeah, the Doom Scale. They jump in the mouth and then appear on the scale. So, you gotta stop the penguins by using a weapon, for example, a baseball bat. How do you get the bat? You gotta collect letters that spell the word "Bat". Where do you find the letters? Inside treasure chests. But how do you open the treasure chests? A key, right? No, gremlins. Yeah, you collect what they call gremlins and supposedly you drop the gremlins inside the treasure chests and then it opens. But no, it doesn't open right away, it takes like 10 seconds, and the more gremlins you use, the faster it opens, but it doesn't open, it like explodes. When you get the bat, you gotta kill all the penguins, but they don't die if you hit them. Instead, there's a bunch of power orbs that scatter all over. You gotta get all the power orbs to power up your bat so you can kill the penguins. But you can only kill the penguins wearing hats because the ones that don't wear hats fight the ones that do wear hats. If the mutant penguins on the Doom Scale outweigh the regular penguins, the Doom Scale starts screaming and going apeshit! (The Doom Scale goes apeshit)
  483.  
  484. The Nerd: This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it, I can come up with a game like this. How about: You're a shark, and you gotta shake palm trees until trains fall down, and you put the trains in an apple, and then turkeys come and eat the apple, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls, and to get them down you have to collect monkey butts, so you drop the monkey butts on power lines, and then... (mimics explosion and drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) Alright, what's next?
  485.  
  486. Video Game Announcer: Kasumi Ninja!
  487.  
  488. The Nerd: A fighting game, and a really bad one. Most fighting games have a character select screen. In fact, all of them have that, right? Well, not this one. Instead, it's got this weird first-person sort of thing. You walk around and touch statues to pick your character. It's so awkward. How did they fuck up something as easy as a select screen?!
  489.  
  490. Video Game Announcer: Entering the Combat Zone!
  491.  
  492. The Nerd: Even worse, when playing the one player mode, you'll only get a choice of playing as two characters. You have to beat the other characters to unlock them. That alone makes it more of a pain in the ass than it has to be.
  493.  
  494. The Nerd: The game itself is pretty much a Mortal Kombat clone with every hit making pools of blood fall down, and even has death moves. But it's also one of those games that wimps out by censoring the violence. You have to put in a parental password just to turn the blood on. Basically, it's just a 6-digit code. But what's the chance of kids not figuring out the code before their parents do? But once it's unlocked, you still need to set the level of blood. So in case you want there to be a little bit of blood, but not too much? Like, who the fuck cares? Just turn the goddamn blood on!
  495.  
  496. The Nerd: The control is horrible. It's almost as bad as Shaq-Fu. I'm not kidding. The attacks are sluggish, there's not much strategy, and you'll never guess how to do the special move. You try everything: Back Forward kick, Down Forward punch, Half-circle Back punch, you know, the typical stuff. But none of that works. So, you gotta either maybe have the instruction manual, or go on the internet to get the moves. You gotta hold the C button like instead of down forward C, you gotta hold C while you do it. Why couldn't it be something more common?
  497.  
  498. The Nerd: I think one basic important thing in any fighting game is being able to pick it up and play. And the special moves are ridiculous. (Angus from "Kasumi Ninja" shoots fireballs from under his kilt) Like, what is this? He shoots fireballs out his dick? Or maybe it's a gaping flame vagina? Who the fuck knows? Somebody was not right in the head. This game is fucking horrible.
  499.  
  500. The Nerd: But how do you wash down a bad taste of one shitty game? With another: Cybermorph. I've already mentioned that this one looks worse than Star Fox, but let's give it a chance.
  501.  
  502. Skylar: Good luck! (plane crashes into a wall) Where did you learn to fly?
  503.  
  504. The Nerd: What's with this green face? It's disturbing.
  505.  
  506. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  507.  
  508. The Nerd: Stop talking to me.
  509.  
  510. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  511.  
  512. The Nerd: Fucking freak.
  513.  
  514. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  515.  
  516. The Nerd: Every single time you hit something, it says that.
  517.  
  518. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  519.  
  520. The Nerd: Knock it off! God, the mountains come out of nowhere. They just pop up giving you no time to react. When you die, it picks you up right where you left off. Sometimes I complain about games making you start back at the beginning, but this one literally puts you right back where you are. Imagine if in Super Mario Bros. you run into a Goomba and die. Okay, then what? Does it start you right in front of the Goomba again? (No)
  521.  
  522. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  523.  
  524. The Nerd: That voice just never stops.
  525.  
  526. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  527.  
  528. The Nerd: Shut up!
  529.  
  530. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?
  531.  
  532. The Nerd: OH, COME ON!!
  533.  
  534. (the Nerd gets up and turns off the Jaguar)
  535.  
  536. The Nerd: (sighs in relief) Oh, that's enough of that.
  537.  
  538. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  539.  
  540. The Nerd: Oh, gotta get it out of my head. (Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock)
  541.  
  542. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?
  543.  
  544. The Nerd: Oh, I gotta to get it out of my head!
  545.  
  546. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  547.  
  548. The Nerd: I gotta get it out of my head!
  549.  
  550. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  551.  
  552. The Nerd: STOP!
  553.  
  554. (Skylar appears from behind the futon and the Nerd notices)
  555.  
  556. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
  557.  
  558. The Nerd: OH, SHIT! OH, SHIT!
  559.  
  560. (The Nerd gets up and runs to the computer desk and grabs his Super Scope)
  561.  
  562. Skylar: Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did--?
  563.  
  564. (The Nerd shoots Skylar and Skylar explodes)
  565.  
  566. The Nerd: WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO BE AN ASSHOLE?!
  567.  
  568. (the Nerd walks in front of his TV and starts talking to it)
  569.  
  570. The Nerd: JAGUAR, I'VE HAD ALL I CAN TAKE! YOU'RE THE MOST FUCKING--
  571.  
  572. (the Jaguar cube starts growling at the Nerd)
  573.  
  574. The Nerd: Did you just growl at me?
  575.  
  576. (the Jaguar cube comes out of the TV screen, growls again, and starts coming towards the Nerd)
  577.  
  578. The Nerd: OH, GOD!
  579.  
  580. (The Nerd stands on top of his futon and starts shooting rapidly at the logo with the Super Scope, but to no avail)
  581.  
  582. (Super Scope runs out of ammo and the Nerd switches to another weapon: The Sega Menacer. He starts shooting rapidly at it, but fails too and it also runs out of ammo. Then the Nerd switches to an Atari 2600 Flight Commander gun that shoots like a machine gun. He shoots the Atari Jaguar logo and yet still fails)
  583.  
  584. The Nerd: Oh, no, what do I do?! (to his cat Boo) Hey, death kitty, sic 'em!
  585.  
  586. (Boo gets up and chases the Atari Jaguar logo around)
  587.  
  588. The Nerd: Yeah, that's the real jaguar!
  589.  
  590. (Boo meows and continues chasing the Atari Jaguar logo, while a Thrash Metal version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme song plays, and it ends by both of them running up the stairs)
  591.  
  592. The Nerd: (exclaims) Well, okay, we played a few Jaguar games. We played a sports game, a side-scroller, a first-person shooter, a fighting game, a racing game, and a flying game. We played some good games. Some bad games. And overall, eh... it makes me wanna puke. Like a cat. (the Nerd pretends to puke like a cat coughing up a hairball, licks his hand, and wipes it in his hair)
  593.  
  594. The Nerd: And then what did they do? They make a CD add-on. Yeah, the fucking Jaguar CD. There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
  595.  
  596. The Nerd: It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah, it's a fucking toilet. What a perfect analogy.
  597.  
  598. The Nerd: I would review some games, but there's one problem: the fucking bastard doesn't work. Not even the cartridge slot, so I can't even play my regular Jaguar games while this thing is connected. I tried using different AC adapters, but nothing worked. It simply won't read the disc.
  599.  
  600. The Nerd: So I sent this broken piece of shit to my friend Richard to see if he can fix it. He invented the Nintoaster; a fully functional NES made out of a toaster. He also made the Super Genintari, which plays NES, SNES, Genesis, and Atari 2600 games. So game mechanisms are his specialty. If he can't fix it, then it's fucked. Here's his diagnosis.
  601.  
  602. Richard DaLuz: Ah, yes. The Atari Jaguar CD. What a steaming pile of fucking shit that was. I want to make sure there's nothing wrong with the console itself first, just to rule it out. So I plug in a game, push the power button, the Jaguar logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, and after a particularly hilarious fucking startup sequence, I'm playing some Tempest 2000. WHOA! So now I know there's nothing wrong with the console itself.
  603.  
  604. Richard DaLuz: Time to move on to CD unit. So I plug it in, hook up the additional 47 cables that came with it, push the power button, the logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, snarls, and... the Red Screen of Death, indicating a connection problem. So, the first thing I did was deep-clean every single contact point on both the console and the CD unit. I turned it on, Red Screen. Then I went back and made physical adjustments to every contact point in both the console and CD unit so it'd make it more of a solid connection. Turned it on, Red Screen. Finally, I just said, "Fuck it!", and directly wired those two sons-of-bitches together, completely bypassing any and all cartridge ports, and ruling out the remote chance of there ever being any kind of connection issue between the two systems. I turned it on, and guess what? Red Screen!
  605.  
  606. Richard DaLuz: So at this point, I pretty much just gave up and and shipped everything back to him, along with a Pong machine, which pretty much just says, "I'm sorry, man, this thing is just too shitty for me to work on." I think, between the flaming "Fuck you!" middle finger Red Screens and getting snarled at at the same time, this machine has become self-aware and does not want to be repaired. That is my diagnosis. Richard out.
  607.  
  608. The Nerd: Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew $250 on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare. So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things MOST DEFINITELY ARE SELF-AWARE! They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just refuse to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end. I gotta take a shit. (The Nerd takes out the Atari Jaguar with the Atari Jaguar CD attached to it, opens the Atari Jaguar CD, and literally takes a shit in it like a toilet, while the Thrash Metal version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme song plays)
  609.  
  610. Atari Jaguar (Part 1)
  611.  
  612. ~~~~
  613.  
  614. Transcript of AVGN episode Bible Games
  615. EDIT
  616.  
  617. COMMENTS (1)
  618.  
  619. SHARE
  620. Kyle Justin: (To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
  621.  
  622. ♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls ♪
  623.  
  624. ♪ He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪
  625.  
  626. ♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. ♪
  627.  
  628. ♪ Oh, he's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice ♪
  629.  
  630. ♪ He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice ♪
  631.  
  632. ♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
  633.  
  634. ♪ He hates the games that stink ♪
  635.  
  636. ♪ He knows which games to break ♪
  637.  
  638. ♪ He just might even hate them all ♪
  639.  
  640. ♪ 'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake! ♪
  641.  
  642. ♪ You'd better watch out ♪
  643.  
  644. ♪ Don't give these games a try ♪
  645.  
  646. ♪ You better not play 'em ♪
  647.  
  648. ♪ He's tellin' you why ♪
  649.  
  650. ♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
  651.  
  652. The Nerd: I'm here to talk about a series of games based on stories from the Bible. All with weird, deformed cartridges made for Nintendo systems, but without any endorsement from Nintendo. And take this one, for example: Bible Adventures. Would you want to buy this? With its weird baby-blue cartridge? That's made by a Christian gaming company that makes unauthorized Nintendo games? Let's check it out.
  653.  
  654. The Nerd: Alright, 3 games in 1. You got Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David and Goliath. First let's do Noah's Ark.
  655.  
  656. (Begins to play "Noah's Ark")
  657.  
  658. The Nerd: Well, there's Noah. He moves pretty fast for an old guy. The object's to get the animals in the ark. (Noah picks up an animal) Holy shit! You just pick them up? Is that how Noah did it? He did it all by himself by picking the animals up and carrying them in the ark? Well, according to Bible Adventures, that's how it happened. So there's where you drop those fuckers off. You just bring them to the door, and let those bastards run in there. You get a checklist of all the animals you need, so it's pretty simple. Go find some more, bring them back. Fun, huh?
  659.  
  660. The Nerd: I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head. It doesn't even slow him down. How can such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit?! Let alone a horse and an ox? Or, fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen?! What the fucking shit?! Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts the Hulk to shame! And the poor creatures are so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away! Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even Chuck Norris.
  661.  
  662. The Nerd: The only animals that have the balls to fight back are the pigs. (The pig refuses to be picked up) Stop it! Damn pig! I'm only taking you into the ark. There's gonna be a flood. What, do you want to die? Alright, that's it. You're gonna get it. So, what do you do? You grab that... whatever that is, and you knock that motherfucker out. (Noah throws the block at the pig, knocking it unconscious) Ughhhh! Take that, bitch! Now I gotcha. You're going in the ark, you fuck nut.
  663.  
  664. The Nerd: I hate those pigs. But I also hate the oxen. (Noah keeps dropping an ox) You drop them every time you jump, so you got to keep picking them back up again. The monkeys are also pretty damn annoying. Sometimes you just gotta keep chasing them around. What a sight. Look at it, an old man climbing a tree chasing monkeys. That's quite ridiculous. You fucking monkey, get back here! Now you're gonna get it. (Noah knocks the monkey out) Ughhhh! Take that, you monkey fuck! You're going in the ark.
  665.  
  666. The Nerd: Another thing that's really amazing about Noah is that he can run so fast, he can actually outrun the screen, which is really annoying because you can't see where you're going, so you have to stop to let the screen catch up. Another sign of a badly-designed game.
  667.  
  668. The Nerd: Now, it looks like we got all the animals, except the snakes. Now that's gotta be tricky, right? Grabbing them's out of the question, so let's pick up that... thing and try and knock them out. (Noah throws the block at a snake, knocking it off the tree trunk) Well, I can knock them out, but if I don't catch them, they're gone. I can't catch them, either. Shit! How do you get those damn snakes? Well, guess what? I was trying to get the wrong snakes, but how could you blame me? They're the first snakes you see in the game. Well, check this out. I go in this cave, and this is real frustrating because to climb the walls, you have to jump and hit the A button at the perfect time. Then, once you get to the top, there you go. There's your snakes. So, these are the real snakes you're supposed to get. Not the ones in the trees. They're only decoys. Challenge is one thing, but why does this game have to fucking trick me? So don't get the snakes that you first see when you're walking around, go take a wild guess. Climb through the cave until you find the real ones. Fuck this game.
  669.  
  670. The Nerd: Now you thought that was bad? A game where you collect a bunch of objects to bring back to the middle of the board? How could it get any worse? Just watch. Our next game is Baby Moses. Alright, well, the object of the game is to get to the end of the level, carrying baby Moses. Now, this is really annoying because while carrying him, there's no way to defend yourself from everything that's out to kill you, and I do mean everything. If the soldiers catch baby Moses, they throw him in the water. What assholes. And what's with this theme of carrying things? It's actually kind of a rip-off of Super Mario Bros. 2. Even the graphics kinda remind me of it. Except for those chocolate cats. Speaking of carrying things, look at how many things she can stack. What kind of picture is this? Moses’ mom carrying baby Moses, carrying a block of cheese, carrying a guy carrying a spear? I'd never thought I'd see that.
  671.  
  672. The Nerd: Beware of the black spaces. If you jump through them, you fall in the water and die. (Baby Moses suddenly shoots up above the game) Whoa! Either that or it shoots baby Moses up in the sky. What's going on? T-this game sucks ass.
  673.  
  674. The Nerd: God, this is annoying! The only way to have any fun at all is to throw baby Moses in the water, and then go explore the level without him. This is a weird game. What other game could you say, “I just threw baby Moses in the water”. For some reason, I just can't stop saying “baby Moses”. Baby Moses, baby Moses. When you finish the level, it says, “Good work! But you forgot..." (slight chuckle) ..."baby Moses." I didn't forget him, I just didn't want him.
  675.  
  676. The Nerd: Well, there's only one shitty game left: David and Goliath. Well, you're going around, carrying sheep. Yeah, are you surprised? The object is to bring four sheep to this blinking arrow to advance to the next level. The originality just stuns me. And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your only infant child puking to death, that is choking on his own puke chunks. That's disgusting, I apologize.
  677.  
  678. The Nerd: Those sheep are a bitch to carry, especially if you're trying to get past the lion. That lion hates sheep and anybody who carries sheep. However, if you go past him without the sheep, he doesn't give a shit. I can even pick the lion up and it doesn't care. Sure, try that in real life. Pick up a lion and see what happens. And while you're at it, just try to punch that lion in the nuts. Yeah, right in the fucking nuts. You can even use an acorn to knock the lion out. Damn! I wouldn't want to get hit by one of those acorns.
  679.  
  680. The Nerd: Those lions are fucking wusses. (The lion appears to get hit by an acorn) What? What happened? Did you see that? That lion just fell flat on his ass. And he fell at the same time as the squirrel. So, who knocked them both out? Well, let's take a look at the whole replay and see what happened. Here, we see the squirrel throw an acorn. It clobbers the lion. BAM! Now, let's back up a bit. Just before he gets hit, this other squirrel throws another acorn, which comes right back down, and BAM! He knocked himself out with his own acorn. Dumb shit.
  681.  
  682. The Nerd: Anyway, let's go get some sheep. I like the sheep sound effects. (BUHHHHRRRRR) Baaaaaaahhhhhh. (BUHHHRRRRR) Come on, you damn sheep. I'm not gonna hurt you. Sheepy, sheepy. (In higher-pitched tone) Sheepy, sheepy, sheepy. (normal voice) Fuck this. I feel like a stupid asshole going after all these sheep for no reason.
  683.  
  684. The Nerd: The most fun I have in this game is watching that weird squirrel. I'm telling you, that squirrel does some weird shit. One minute it's sleeping, then it runs up and over the tree, and oh my God! (The squirrel seems to be climbing up the sky) Look at that! It's a flying squirrel. Or it's like climbing the sky. Where'd it go? Oh, there it is. Wow. They were on drugs when they made this game.
  685.  
  686. The Nerd: Later in the game, you get a weapon. Some kind of fireball or something, I don't know. But it sucks. It's just like the rock in Friday the 13th, it arcs over everybody you try to hit. What good is a weapon that doesn't go straight? Like it deliberately dodges your target. What a piece of shit. Now, I know I'm sucking pretty bad at this, but unless you've played this, you have no idea how friggin' awful the controls are. It just feels slippery. And you feel like you have to force everything you're doing. But that makes it more likely to overshoot a jump or undershoot it trying not to. It doesn't help either that there's all these rocks coming down. And finally, when I get up here, it's not even worth it because there's nowhere to go. I can't even go in those caves. So, that's enough of this shit.
  687.  
  688. The Nerd: Well, that's Bible Adventures. You thought that was weird? Well, wait until you see Bible Buffet. Yeah, Bible Buffet. When I first heard the title, I just didn't get it. My only guess was it has to do with food and the Bible. Well, guess what? I got half of that right. It definitely has to do with food. But there’s no mention of anything from the Bible anywhere in this whole game. What is this I'm looking at? It-it's a board game? In fact, it's a rip-off of Candy Land. Just look at it, all the different food-themed lands like Potato Land, Barbeque Land, Pizza Land, and Dessert Land.
  689.  
  690. Clear NES Voice: Player 1!
  691.  
  692. The Nerd: Oh my God, it's talking. Well, you spin the wheel, and you make some moves like any other board game, then you get to play all these weird mini-games, which sort of resembles an Atari game. The sound effects are classic. (assorted 8-bit sound effects) And it definitely resembles Attack of the Killer Tomatoes more than it does the Bible.
  693.  
  694. The Nerd: So you lay down all these “exploding pancakes” which blow up everything. I think they're supposed to be oil drums or something, but everything else is some kind of food, so I'm just going to call them “exploding pancakes”. I mean, this is just fucking weird. It might as well be anything. I mean, look at all the stuff that's trying to kill me. Potato chips and pizzas and... pork chops and bottles, watermelons, ice cream cones, ice cubes, and cans of like, soda coming out of a vending machine? Look, a snowman. Watch this. I'm gonna blow his fucking head off. (The snowman gets his head blown off his body) Yeah, that snowman's dead as shit.
  695.  
  696. The Nerd: Ugh, I just pushed that thing into the exit. But, there's no way to get it back out. So, now I blocked myself from finishing the level, and my only choice now is to reset the game or commit suicide.
  697.  
  698. The Nerd: Every once in a while, you get a quiz. True or false? Umm... I guess true. True or false? Uhh... I guess false. What the hell am I guessing? It would help if I had the questions. You know where they are? They're in the manual. So, unless you still have the manual, let alone have the fucking game, you're not gonna know what the questions are. Now, what was the problem with putting the questions on the screen? Why didn't they do that instead? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
  699.  
  700. Clear NES Voice: Alright!
  701.  
  702. The Nerd: That voice is just crazy. I-I don't know what it is, but it sounds out of place. Not that anything is in place, but I don't know. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But, I also suppose it's rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari that's all about food trying to kill you. Yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer. And if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to “Thou Shall Not Kill”? Please, somebody tell me. What the Hell am I playing? I kinda like it, but I gotta turn it off before I go insane.
  703.  
  704. The Nerd: So, let's play another Bible game. It's The Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis. And the soundtrack... is Genesis. ("Invisible Touch" plays in the background.) I'm just making this up, but let's move on to Super Nintendo and check out this game that I'm actually not making up. I couldn't even come up with anything half as crazy if I tried. This is Super Noah's Ark 3D. Yet it's also referred to as Super 3D Noah's Ark, because of the way the title art’s misrepresented. So, who knows? Call it whatever you want. Call it Super 3D Fuck Farts if you want. I know it's weird, but the weirdness actually starts with the cartridge.
  705.  
  706. The Nerd: As you can see, it looks like no other Super Nintendo game you've ever seen. In fact, it doesn't even look like a game at all. It looks more like a Game Genie. By this time, I believe Nintendo was catching on to the fact that Wisdom Tree was making these Bible games for their system without their permission, so what I think happened was when Super Nintendo came out, they put a new lockout chip inside the system, which only allows games licensed by Nintendo to work. So, how many Super Nintendo games came out not licensed by Nintendo? Well, just one, and it found a way. By plugging an official Super Nintendo game into the top of it, it overrides the lockout chip and you can play it. The question is, would you want to? Well, actually, yeah, you would.
  707.  
  708. The Nerd: What other first-person shooter game do you get to play as Noah? I really can't believe this game exists. But, it seems to be a fact because I'm playing it. Now, does it look like Wolfenstein 3D? (Game footage of "Wolfenstein 3D" is shown) Yes. In fact, it is Wolfenstein 3D. It doesn't even count as a rip-off. It's the same fucking game, but with Noah. Instead of shooting Nazis, he's shooting goats. All the levels are exact duplicates, but what's really funny to know is that there's a story going around that ID, the company that made Wolfenstein and Doom, gave their own game to Wisdom Tree for them to turn it into this. Why?
  709.  
  710. The Nerd: Well, according to the rumor, ID was pissed off that the Super Nintendo version of Wolfenstein was inferior to the PC version, and that Nintendo basically butchered it by turning down the violence, as well as altering other things, so as some sort of joke, or whatever, ID handed the source code over to Wisdom Tree for them to make the mockery which you're looking at now.
  711.  
  712. The Nerd: And there's a bit of conspiracy going on. According to the Bible, Noah puts two of each animal in the ark, right? Well, according to this game, he put a whole bunch of goats on there. And, if that's not crazy enough, guess what? All those goats want Noah dead. Damn! Why's there so many of them and why do you shoot them with a slingshot? I think that would actually make them more angry. I can't even see what you're supposed to be shooting at them anyway. It just looks invisible. It's supposed to be food, I guess, but why does it put the animals to sleep? Well, I guess Noah shoots the food so hard that it knocks the animals unconscious. Now, what's even stranger is how they attack you. They just do like these weird kicks from a mile away and they hit you. Like, how can they even reach?
  713.  
  714. The Nerd: Listen to how cheerful the music is. (Music from the game plays) Wow, that's great. Just what you need, some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats. So that's it. There's more animals along the way, but you get the idea.
  715.  
  716. The Nerd: So, as we've seen, every one of these Bible games rips off something. So, just to show you another example, let's take a look at Spiritual Warfare on the Nintendo. (Starts the game up) Okay. Right off the bat, what does this game look like? Hmmm. Well, here's some hints. Look, it's an aerial view with, like, bushes and rocks. You start out with three hearts for health, you hold two items, you go into a little cave and talk to someone. And when you walk into the next area, the screen moves. There's that square-shaped stairwell, and there's a raft. You go down ladders with gray stone walls. And when you start the game, you get to type in a name. Well, if you can't already tell what this game looks like, let me spell it out.
  717.  
  718. (He spells out ZELDA.)
  719.  
  720. The Nerd: That's right. Zelda. Let's recap, shall we? In Zelda, we have an aerial view with bushes and rocks, you start with three hearts for the health, you hold two items, you go in a little cave and talk to someone, when you walk into the next area, the screen moves, there's that square-shaped stairwell, you go down ladders with the gray stone walls, there's your raft, and when you start the game, you get to type in a name. What a shameless rip-off! Well, at least they came up with a few original ideas. Like, sometimes when you kill your enemies, a flying devil comes out. And besides the usual rocks and bushes and trees or whatever, they randomly have all these garbage cans placed about. That's where this game belongs, in the fucking garbage!
  721.  
  722. The Nerd: Alright, let's play one more game: King of Kings. Oh, great! Three more games. Fuck. Let's do The Wise Men. Well, you're on a camel; you're basically trying to ride to the end of the level. Your obstacles include lizards, a cactus that comes out of the ground, flying rocks, porcupines shooting needles, moving pitfalls, and blocks that come down and stun you. Just like in Bible Adventures, the control is really awkward. But here, it's so bad, it's nearly unplayable.
  723.  
  724. The Nerd: So, every once in a while, you pick up these scrolls that make you answer questions about the Bible, like "Who is Jesus’ mother?" Well, that would be Mary. Now, why are there quizzes in the middle of this game? Quizzes aren't fun! Quizzes make you feel like you're in school! Games are fun! Quizzes: not fun! Put them together! (Makes a silly facial expression.)
  725.  
  726. The Nerd: So, you'd probably rather just play the game than answer the questions, which would be a good reason to just avoid the scrolls, but if you get the questions right, you get energy, which you want. Now, a lot of these questions are true or false, and once you get used to that, you tend not to look at the words true and false because you instinctively assume true always comes above false. But no. Not with this game. They alternate just to trick you. Many times, I accidentally pick false when I mean to pick true. I mean, what's up with that shit? Just keep them the same!
  727.  
  728. The Nerd: Now let's try Flight to Egypt. It's bad. Alright, Jesus and the Temple, last fucking game. Let's get it over with.
  729.  
  730. The Nerd: Okay, another rip-off of Super Mario Bros. 2, where you're jumping on logs to get across the waterfall. Well, at least they upped the challenge on those logs, but it's just flat-out annoying. The logs have the most erratic pattern. Sometimes you jump too early, thinking that the next log is going to come, but it doesn't. Then, just to tease you, it pops up at the bottom, crawling up the waterfall just to sit there and mock you. Other times, the second log shows up, but once you're on it, and expecting the third one, it doesn't come. But, just for one final kick in the balls, it throws all these other logs down to make you think you can salvage it and jump your way back to safety to try again. But no. Not quite.
  731.  
  732. The Nerd: The graphics are really flawed. I mean, usually, you know how to time your jumps once you see that log come over the waterfall, but sometimes, they just appear at random, which doesn't give you enough time to react. Also, what's going on with the colors in the sky? Looks like something you might see if you take too much LSD.
  733.  
  734. The Nerd: There's really nothing else worth mentioning with this game. It just sucks, and I can't even stand to play it anymore. I'd rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass. I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus hole. It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doo-doo ass shit. That's it. So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Birthday Jesus, whatever. Happy Holidays. I'll see you in 2007.
  735.  
  736. See also
  737. Transcript of AVGN episode Bible Games 2
  738. Transcript of AVGN episode Bible Games 3
  739.  
  740. ~~~~~
  741.  
  742. he Nerd: I would review some games, but there's one problem: the fucking bastard doesn't work. Not even the cartridge slot, so I can't even play my regular Jaguar games while this thing is connected. I tried using different AC adapters, but nothing worked. It simply won't read the disc.
  743.  
  744. The Nerd: So I sent this broken piece of shit to my friend Richard to see if he can fix it. He invented the Nintoaster; a fully functional NES made out of a toaster. He also made the Super Genintari, which plays NES, SNES, Genesis, and Atari 2600 games. So game mechanisms are his specialty. If he can't fix it, then it's fucked. Here's his diagnosis.
  745.  
  746. Richard DaLuz: Ah, yes. The Atari Jaguar CD. What a steaming pile of fucking shit that was. I want to make sure there's nothing wrong with the console itself first, just to rule it out. So I plug in a game, push the power button, the Jaguar logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, and after a particularly hilarious fucking startup sequence, I'm playing some Tempest 2000. WHOA! So now I know there's nothing wrong with the console itself.
  747.  
  748. Richard DaLuz: Time to move on to CD unit. So I plug it in, hook up the additional 47 cables that came with it, push the power button, the logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, snarls, and... the Red Screen of Death, indicating a connection problem. So, the first thing I did was deep-clean every single contact point on both the console and the CD unit. I turned it on, Red Screen. Then I went back and made physical adjustments to every contact point in both the console and CD unit so it'd make it more of a solid connection. Turned it on, Red Screen. Finally, I just said, "Fuck it!", and directly wired those two sons-of-bitches together, completely bypassing any and all cartridge ports, and ruling out the remote chance of there ever being any kind of connection issue between the two systems. I turned it on, and guess what? Red Screen!
  749.  
  750. Richard DaLuz: So at this point, I pretty much just gave up and and shipped everything back to him, along with a Pong machine, which pretty much just says, "I'm sorry, man, this thing is just too shitty for me to work on." I think, between the flaming "Fuck you!" middle finger Red Screens and getting snarled at at the same time, this machine has become self-aware and does not want to be repaired. That is my diagnosis. Richard out.
  751.  
  752. The Nerd: Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew $250 on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare. So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things MOST DEFINITELY ARE SELF-AWARE! They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just refuse to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end. I gotta take a shit. (The Nerd takes out the Atari Jaguar with the Atari Jaguar CD attached to it, opens the Atari Jaguar CD, and literally takes a shit in it like a toilet, while the Thrash Metal version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme song plays)
  753.  
  754. Atari Jaguar (Part 1)
  755.  
  756. ~~~
  757.  
  758. Transcript of AVGN episode The Simpsons
  759. EDIT
  760.  
  761. COMMENTS (1)
  762.  
  763. SHARE
  764. The Nerd: Alright, so there were a lot of Simpsons-related games. Simpsons games up the ass. Games like Krusty's Fun House, Bart vs. the Juggernauts, Bart’s Nightmare and there were Simpsons games on just about every game console. But there's 2 in particular that I remember from the Nintendo Entertainment System: Bart vs. the Space Mutants and Bart vs. the World. These games rank up with the most classic pop culture memories. But if you play them today, all it does is remind you how much they pissed you off.
  765.  
  766. ​The Nerd: Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like 20 years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.
  767.  
  768. (Shows the title card of Bart vs. the Space Mutants)
  769.  
  770. ​The Nerd: So this is Bart vs. the Space Mutants. The plot involves aliens that are trying to build an ultimate weapon to take over the world, which sounds simple and cliché. However, in order to build this weapon - whatever it is - it requires one ingredient: purple-colored objects. What kind of time constraint were they under when they came up with that?
  771.  
  772. ​The Nerd: So it's up to Bart to save the world, and this is the first level. And the object is to get rid of anything that's purple. Under most circumstances, this means simply spray-painting them red, but other times you have to be a little more creative to figure it out. It could mean walking across a clothesline, dropping towels over them. The aliens will never think to look under those towels. Then there's a part where you have to jump on a ball and knock over a paint can, and if you miss this paint can, the ball doesn't come back. You don't get a second chance. And keep in mind you have to de-purple-ize all the purple objects. I think you're allowed to miss a few of them, but there's not much room to fuck up.
  773.  
  774. ​The Nerd: You collect coins as you go, which you're going to need to buy stuff with. The first time playing through, you're not going to know exactly what item's you're going to need. And, I could tell you for one thing, that key isn't necessary, and as for this whistle, all it does is summon an angry fucking crazy-ass dog that kills Bart if he comes in contact.
  775.  
  776. ​The Nerd: Coming to a decision where you could buy cherry bombs and rockets, how many should you buy of each? Well, there's only one instance I recall where you need the cherry bomb and many, many, many times when you need the rockets. But how the fuck would you know that the first time?! You'll end up having to backtrack to the damn store. Trying to hit the bird is just ridiculous. Your accuracy has to be perfect.
  777.  
  778. (Bart misses the bird)
  779.  
  780. ​The Nerd: Fuck! Oh, God! I can't believe that missed. (Bart successfully hits the bird) There you go, you fuck!
  781.  
  782. ​The Nerd: These vases are also a pain in the ass. They're too short to spray when you're on the ledge, so you gotta just keep jumping and spraying. And, y'know, why's the Simpsons theme song still playing? It's good for the beginning, but when you have to listen to it for 10 straight minutes, what a shitload of fuck.
  783.  
  784. ​The Nerd: Let's talk about the enemies. It sucks butt that you can't really kill anything. But, lucky for you, they got nothing better to do than just bounce around in little patterns on the streets of Springfield all day. I also wonder why none of these aliens look anything like the ones in the beginning. Anyway, some of them disguise themselves as human beings, and you can only see them while wearing X-ray glasses, kinda like the movie They Live. These are the only ones that you can kill by jumping on their heads, but if it's not an alien, just a regular human being, then you take a hit. 2 hits and you’re dead, by the way. So you always gotta make sure to have your glasses selected. Come on, glasses. Come on, come on, glasses! Come on, come on, come on! (Bart misses the alien) AH! FUCKFARTS!
  785.  
  786. ​The Nerd: Sometimes I just jump on them at a pure gamble because I don't feel like selecting the glasses. You don't need to kill them anyway, but they leave behind letters. Collect them all to spell "MAGGIE", then she'll help you during the boss battle. But besides, it's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens, not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over them and make everything brown?
  787.  
  788. ​The Nerd: So you foil the aliens' plan because now there's nothing purple in existence. So what do they do? They change the ingredient to hats. So if they can just switch like that into anything, why not make it something like grass or water or something that's really easy to find? It just makes no sense.
  789.  
  790. ​The Nerd: So you're going through the mall, stealing all the hats because this is the only mall that has hats. Whether they're floating in the air or you gotta grab them off somebody's head, the concept is pretty simple compared to the first level. No ingenuity, just collect hats. The imagination employed is just astounding in how inconsistent it is. It's like a different person designed each level. It's also really funny that people just casually walk by. If I was walking through the mall and I saw giant bouncing doughnuts and killer marshmallows, walking shoes and spring-jumping shoes, moonwalking shoes, paper bags with legs, paper bags with scary fucking heads and killer towels, I think I'd shit my pants. Shit would come out of my ass.
  791.  
  792. ​The Nerd: Another thing really fucked up about this mall is that a lot of the floor's covered in cement, which results in instant death. The only way to get through this shit is master some of the worst controls in video game history. This should have been the first thing I commented on, but now is the point where it's really a problem.
  793.  
  794. Bart: Eat my shorts!
  795.  
  796. ​The Nerd: Looking back at the first level, it takes a lot of practice to make some of those jumps. Jump and run are both the same button. The A button jumps and holding the A button runs. Why the same fucking button? What were they thinking? So trying to execute a running jump is not possible. By hitting both the A and B button at the same time, you do a super jump. Getting used to this is required in this game. FUCK! Here we go, gotta get the hat. Get the hat! *falls into cement* D'oh!
  797.  
  798. Bart: Eat my shorts!
  799.  
  800. ​The Nerd: Now I'm jumping across lollipops. You gotta land on them when they're horizontal. (Bart falls through the lollipop) YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I went right through it! Alright, just one big jump...! (Bart falls into the cement again) Eat my fucking shorts! There's no continues in this game either. If you get hit twice, you're dead. Die 3 times, and the game's over. You can get some 1-ups, but no continues, as if it's not challenging enough. Now, I don't have a problem with challenge, but when the challenge is based on how fucking crippled the controls are, then FUCK IT!
  801.  
  802. (Takes out the Bart vs. the Space Mutants game cartridge)
  803.  
  804. ​The Nerd: Eat my shorts. Eat 'em good. Right after I took a shitty diarrhea dump.
  805.  
  806. (Shows the title card for Bart vs. the World)
  807.  
  808. ​The Nerd: So this is Bart vs. the World. The title always confused me. Bart saved the world from the space mutants, now he's AGAINST the world?
  809.  
  810. ​The Nerd: The plot is basically Bart won a trip around the world by drawing some shitty picture of Krusty the Clown for an art contest. Now Mr. Burns wants the Simpsons wiped off the face of the Earth, so he calls help from his relatives, which happen to descend from places like China, Egypt, and the North Pole. Your basic goal is just to get to the end of each stage without dying.
  811.  
  812. ​The Nerd: There's also bonus games along the way. And here we've got a memory game to match the cards. I liked it when it was in Super Mario 3, but here I just don't feel like memorizing shit. I'd rather put sticky notes all over the screen. Then you got "Guess Which Igloo the Krusty Head's Under." Then you have a puzzle game which drives me insane. Then you got a Simpsons trivia game. Then you got "Dodge the Beer and Get the Krusty Heads." Krusty heads are good, beer is bad. Makes a whole lot of sense. Then you got the stupidest fucking game in the history of games. "Find the Bat In the Coffins." Now this isn't like the igloo game where you see which igloo it is and then they move around. No, this is just 3 coffins sitting here, and you gotta pick the right one. It's just pure luck. And every time you get the wrong coffin, this green arm comes out, and you just gotta wait while nothing happens. It's not like Bart's even struggling. You just wait. So, that's the bonus stages.
  813.  
  814. ​The Nerd: Now that I got those out of the way, let's talk about the actual gameplay. Every level consists of 2 or more sections. The first level's China and this is the first section: a boat. First thing you’ll notice is that the control is the same as Bart vs. the Space Mutants. Nothing's improved. Even the graphics are still funny, like when Bart's nose disappears when he stands still. So, I'm just going around this ship, trying to figure out where to go. Oh, look. There's Maggie. What do I do here?
  815.  
  816. (a ship comes up and explodes)
  817.  
  818. ​The Nerd: Okay, a boat comes and explodes? I don't get it. Now, where do I go? I'm stuck here. Maggie, can you help? No? Well, suck my ass. Guess I'm just going to commit suicide. (Bart jumps into the sea) Love how Bart doesn't even give a shit. He's pretty depressed. I'd be too.
  819.  
  820. ​The Nerd: The next section's the Great Wall of China. What really brings my piss to a boil is that fucking dragon. Fuck! The fact that you have to be so accurate to get through that damn doorway. Oh, and these ramps? Fuck them. Fuck them to Hell. You gotta be going fast to go over them, but you always seem to hit something that slows you down; so you gotta go back just to regain your speed. FUCK! Oh, OH, OH, OH! FUCK! So then you got Fu Manchu Burns. He's pretty easy.
  821.  
  822. ​The Nerd: Moving on to the next level, the North Pole. Of course, unless your jumping is dead on, you'll end up falling right through the platforms. Ugh. Going up these things is just tedious as all Hell, like goddamn. These glaciers are the worst. To make them move, you gotta jump on them, of course. Getting to cross them is a bitch, and trying to avoid the birds is a motherbitch. Fuck! Alright, here we go. Damn! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! The boss battle's with the Abominable Snowburns, obviously a take-off of the Abominable Snowman, which isn't from the North Pole.
  823.  
  824. ​The Nerd: Next up is Egypt. Follow the blocks, follow the blocks, (Bart falls off a block) shit. Look. What a piece of shit. At the end, you've got Ramses Burns, who's also pretty easy when you find out how to kill him.
  825.  
  826. ​The Nerd: Now, believe it or not, you're in the final level of the game: Hollywood. The first section's a pirate ship. Your worst enemy is gonna be the cannonballs. Hate these fucking things. Then you got a horror movie set. Oh, I have to say, that's pretty funny. Then the game turns into a maze, like you go into a coffin, you come out another coffin, you pick a coffin, next coffin, the other coffin, oh, been there already. Going through the coffins, the coffins, the coffins. Back here again. Going to the next coffin, the coffins, the coffins, FUCK! I hate this shit. Just tell me where to go.
  827.  
  828. ​The Nerd: Okay, now we got, like, a million platforms to jump on. This is one of the most boring and difficult parts of any game I've ever played. You go from the left, all the way to the right, then up and over to the left again, then back to the right, and it goes on and on and on and on. If you fall, you're dead and you gotta start all the way back from the beginning. It's possible that if you miss a jump, you can land back on one of the platforms, which sucks anyway because you have to work your way back up again. But at least it prevents death. Oh, shit! God! Bitch! Ass! Shit! God! You know, they got really carried away with this. How long can it possibly go? The first time, I thought there was a glitch in the game, like something was wrong. It looks like the same pattern being repeated again and again. The background never changes; it's just those putrid stone bricks all the way up. So, it's hard to tell how far you've got. All you gotta do is just keep going up, up, up, up. Have. Fucking. Mercy. At least this is the end of the game. All you got left is Eric von Burns. He's probably the hardest of all the bosses, which is rightfully so.
  829.  
  830. ​The Nerd: Then you get the end screen which says, "It's too bad you didn't find all the unique Krusty items. We had a special surprise for you." It's like at the end of Bubble Bobble when you don't get the correct happy ending. It's like, you know, fuck you. I beat the game, I don't give a shit.
  831.  
  832. ​The Nerd: I just wanted to point out that for a game titled "Bart vs. the World," there really isn't a lot of the world in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games. Just locked in my room playing Bart vs. the Space Mutants and all this crap. Man, I wasted all my time on this shit. I want it back! You ruined my life!
  833.  
  834. ​The Nerd: (Swigs beer) BART'S MY ASS AND KRUSTY IS MY BALLS! Fuck this shit! Now I'm going to eat my own shorts. (Puts beer down, then proceeds to rip out boxers with teeth, and then eats it in a ravenous manner.)
  835.  
  836. Categories:
  837. Transcripts
  838. Showing 1 most recent
  839. 1 comment
  840. Please log in to post a comment on this wiki.
  841.  
  842. A FANDOM user
  843. Eat my shorts! Eat´em good!
  844.  
  845. July 25, 2016 by A FANDOM user
  846.  
  847. ~
  848.  
  849. Transcript of AVGN episode McKids
  850. EDIT
  851.  
  852. COMMENTS (1)
  853.  
  854. SHARE
  855. ['The Angry Nintendo Nerd' theme song and intro plays.]
  856.  
  857. McKids is nothing more than an advertising vehicle, much like games such as Yo! Noid and 7-11 Spot [7-Up Spot]. Now, some people out there may actually like this game, and to be fair, it isn't one of the worst games in the NES library. There are definitely much crappier games such as Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout and Silver Surfer, for example. So anyway, let's check out McKids.
  858. McKids - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 7
  859. McKids - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 7
  860.  
  861. So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker. The Hamburglar stole his bag, apparently.
  862.  
  863. Alright, this is the first level. Now, does it look familiar? So where have I seen this before? Jumping around, collecting M's. Oh, like coins? Mario Bros. Like, yeah, that's where I've seen this! It's just like Super Mario Bros. 3. Let's check it out. I mean, the map looks similar, the same idea. The stages are designed the same. Jumping on enemies, I mean, everything looks the same. Mario's controls are a lot better, though. Well, pretty much everything is better.
  864.  
  865. So, back to McKids. You know, I changed my mind. it actually is pretty original. I mean, walking upside-down, I mean, that's pretty creative.
  866.  
  867. [The in-game character spins around and moves backwards in the level at high speed.]
  868.  
  869. Whoa, makes me feel sick. They must have been on crack when they came up with this game. So you go around collecting cards you that need to beat the level. So, there you go, into Ronald's magic zipper, running around Magic McDonald World.
  870.  
  871. [The in-game character spins backwards through the level again.]
  872.  
  873. God, that really makes me nauseous. And don't try to kill anything with those blocks; that really doesn't work too well. Collect some more useless M's that don't do anything. Alright, here's a shitty bonus game. You jump on these arrows that make you go up. You gotta jump on the white ones until you get to the top, and when you get to the top, you go into another zipper, and you collect some 1-ups, which aren't really that important because there's a part where you can get a whole bunch of 'em.
  874.  
  875. Then you go to Birdie's stage. Stupid feathered fucking bird bitch.
  876.  
  877. [The in-game character collects some M's in the shape of a smile and two eyes.]
  878.  
  879. Heh, cute smiley face. You know what's a big problem with this game? I mean, you never know what's below you. You just fall and die.
  880.  
  881. [The in-game character falls down a bottomless pit.]
  882.  
  883. Fuckballs! This game's so bad, they actually invented a way to end it by pushing start and select at the same time. So, you get this block which makes you heavier, so you can jump higher, or lower, really. And now, you have another 1-up that you don't need, so that's just a waste of time. Oh, look! I died anyway, so what a waste! Oh, God! Look, a McFlurry man! Those guys are badass!
  884.  
  885. So, how do I get that card? Oh, every kid knows how to do this. Just get the secret passageway under the clouds. Yeah, that's easy to figure out. Kids will have the patience to figure that out. Because, you know, kids have a lot of patience. Especially the ones with ADD, such as myself.
  886.  
  887. Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle. Okay, so here's the part where you can get a billion 1-ups. So you get just two 1-ups here, and then you go back into the board again. You die here, but you always get one extra, so if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it.
  888.  
  889. Some people like to call 1-ups "extra guys" or "free mans". I like to call 'em life insurance. Look how bad the jumps are! Look at this! What a shitload of fuck! All I want to do is get down to that barrel, but it's such a pain in the ass! It keeps bouncing me back up! Fuckfarts! It never ends with this game. It's just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass, just like an endless rope. I mean, when the fuck's it gonna be over? I can't stand this shit!
  890.  
  891. Watch the moose! Grab a block and try to kill him. Unfortunately, it just bounces and misses him. Now look at this. Would you ever guess that you're supposed to jump off this cliff? This shit reminds me of Super Mario Bros. 3 again. And also, why is this guy walking on water? Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?
  892.  
  893. Then you gotta talk to the Professor, another one of Ronald's stoner friends. And he tells you to get more cards, which makes me just want to punch him. Even worse, you gotta go to the moon, where you meet CosMc. Now, who the hell's CosMc? Did they run out of McDonalds characters? What about Captain Crook or Big Mac? No: CosMc. I never heard of him. I guess there's nothing more you can expect than but shitty character like that. I mean, I bet that the people who designed the game were paid minimum wage.
  894.  
  895. So anyway, you're on the moon, so you're floating around, and then there's these tentacles that come out kill you wherever you go. And you really gotta bust your balls to find all those cards. Like, there's this one that's high up in the air, and even when you get it, you jump back down and something kills you and you gotta start the whole level all over again. Assballs!
  896.  
  897. So here you are at the last stage, Robble Robble. You gotta get the cards from Hamburglar. So, you gotta get across the lava by throwing these blocks in it while all this stuff is shooting at you. Fuck! So, look at this: this is some kind track you have to move on. But you can't because the controls are so hard. So do you hit A or B? I don't know; I have no idea how to control this. You think you can just hold the A button, or something. But no, of course not. That would be too simple. They have to make it, like, you do these little taps with the button to make it move. And the controls just suck ass. What a piece of shit! A little kid can never figure this out.
  898.  
  899. So finally, when you get through these crazy obstacles, you get up here, you walk all the way to this lava pit, and you don't have any blocks to float over it, you can't go around it, so what do you do? I guess you just gotta commit suicide.
  900.  
  901. [An image of the Nerd pops up in the bottom-right corner of the screen, similar to Mortal Kombat 2.]
  902.  
  903. Toasty!
  904.  
  905. Categories:
  906. Transcripts Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
  907. Showing 1 most recent
  908. 1 comment
  909. Please log in to post a comment on this wiki.
  910.  
  911. A FANDOM user
  912. Cool Spot and Yo!Noid were the only games mentioned in this episode; that the Nerd didn´t reviewed.
  913.  
  914. July 10, 2016 by A FANDOM user
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