But Now I See (Lilly)

“Flight 320A from Tokyo to London now boarding.” The woman's voice rings through an intercom across the waiting area. I arch my brow in anticipation. This is it... Goodbye. Back to my old world, to the life I left behind. It's sobering to think about, knowing that my family is waiting there for us, eagerly expecting touchdown in London.

I feel a hand graze my shoulder, slipping under to link arms with me. “Don't worry, Lills,” my sister says softly, sitting to my right. “It'll be okay.” My eyes are glued shut. I wonder if she can still see the worry on my face. I'm beginning to have doubts, but just reminding myself of the way that Hisao seemed so... uncaring reminds me why I'm here.

“I know,” I respond, my lips curling into a false smile. I can't help but think about him. About the way that he saw us off, not even doing so much as asking me to stay. He just let me go, as effortlessly as we came together in that field of gold.

Akira's arm drifts away, and the sounds of her seat rustling imply that she's standing up. I do the same, offering her my hand. She guides it to her arm, linking us together once more. I pick up my carry-on bags, sliding my contracted walking cane through the loops draped over my forearm.

We walk through the crowd of fellow passengers, bumping into a few of them along the way. A roaring echoes along the walls, making it sound like we're in a tunnel. I assume the whirring sound is from our plane's engines, causing the metal walls to shake.

The vibrations suddenly stop, or at least dampen. We must be inside the plane now, because I can hear the voices of people drifting past us. Akira stops walking. “We're here. I would offer you the window seat, but I don't think you'd get much out of it~.”

I stifle a giggle. “Thank you, Akira. Please, take it.” She leads us into the seats. I reach behind me, feeling out the cushions, then smooth the back of my skirt before sinking into it.

“(Excuse me, madams.)” It's a voice I don't recognize, and in English. A flight attendant perhaps? “(Is there anything I can get you lovely ladies?)”

“(No, thank you,)” I respond, shaking my head.

“(Actually,)” Akira interjects, “(I wouldn't mind a drink. Whaddaya have in stock?)”

“(All manner of wines and hard liquors. What would you like?)”

“(Just a glass of whiskey, please~.)” Her footsteps are light, graceful, almost as if she floats on the air. I turn toward my sister, glaring. “What?” she asks.

“Drinking already? We haven't even taken off yet!”

“Hey, you're tired, I'm tired, cut me some slack. I could use a little poison in my system.” I sigh in disapproval.

A man's voice comes on the intercom, also in English. “(Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. You are currently onboard flight 320A to London. We have clear skies all the way to our destination and expect no delays. Expected flight time is twelve hours. Please buckle your seatbelts and we will depart shortly. Thank you for flying British Airways; enjoy the flight.)”

I lay my head back, letting out a deep sigh. “Something wrong?” Akira's voice asks. My fingers come to my temples, massaging gently.

“Just... exhausted.”

“Well, catch some shut-eye, it's gonna be a long flight. And it'll be morning when we get there, so you'll dodge the jet-lag.” I give her another fake smile. I feel too mentally disturbed to sleep right now; so much has happened over the past few weeks. I've seen Hisao turn from supportive of everything I do to completely indecisive... Why can't I get him out of my head? Why does his presence still plague my mind, eating at my heart?

When we left Yamaku, we had decided that any attempt at maintaining a long distance relationship would go up in flames. He and I agreed that we were too traditionally minded, too dependent on physical contact to keep it going. I suppose we never really forget our firsts, and he was my first in... well, everything. I can't just let him go so easily.

Dammit, Hisao, why didn't you come after me? Why didn't you just hug me and beg me not to go? That's all it would have taken, and I would have stayed. I should have said something earlier. I should have let you deeper into my walls. But I was afraid, and I didn't want you to worry about me. It's beyond fixing now, though. He didn't try, and now I'm gone....

Akira's voice comes again. “Lills?” I lift my eyelids to show her my attentiveness. “Everything okay?”

“Mmmmm... yes. I think so.”

She knows me better than that, and she catches the lie. “Well, I'm here to talk about it if you need me.” Her touch lingers on the top of my hand.

“I know. Thank you, Akira.” My eyes fall closed again. Her words are reassuring, even if I don't plan on accepting her offer. The stormclouds in my head start to dissipate. Despite all the mental unrest, I am able to find peace, and I drift off to sleep.

----------

“Lilly...” The voice is definitely masculine. Distant, but very familiar. I turn my head in the direction it comes from. “Lilly,” it says again. He's closer this time. I think he's walking toward me. I extend my hand, reaching out to the source. His fingers lace around my skin, weaving with mine into a tight embrace. My hand is guided upward, to the surface of his face. Feeling out the contours, I recognize him instantly.

“Hisao...” My voice is quiet, raspy. Tired. So many questions come to mind... so many things I want to say to him.

I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
I made a huge mistake.
I need you here.
I can't live without you.
Why didn't you chase me?
Why didn't you care?
Why did-

He lifts my chin and brings our mouths together. I feel tears welling in my eyes as our lips dance and play. His hands snake around my waist and rest on the small of my back, my own arms flying around his neck. I want nothing more than to be with him right here, right now, in this moment. Nothing but pure romance, two lovers reunited in some strange twist of fate.

We part for a moment, and he kisses the tip of my nose and forehead. “I...,” I whisper. “I'm so sorry.”

“Don't be,” he says. “Just be here. With me.”

Water falls down my cheeks, and I nod, burying my face in his neck. His scent is the same as I remember, even though he never wore any kind of cologne. It's subtle, smooth, but sharp and distinct. “I will, Hisao. I won't ever leave you again.” He nuzzles into my hair, the warmth of his breath sinking into my scalp.

Something nudges against my shoulder. Gentle at first, then another, more forceful push. Suddenly, it feels as if my arms are floating in mid-air, like... he's gone. I wave them around wildly, searching for his presence to no avail. The smacks on my shoulder come again and again. “Lills,” a voice echoes. Akira's. “Lilly.” It's all around me, but feels like it's coming from my right.

“Lilly!”

I snap forward, back to reality, my breathing heavy and closer to panting. “Hey, you okay?” Akira asks. Was it... was it all a dream? It must have been. But it was more like a nightmare at the end. Feeling him leave me was heart-wrenching. It ripped me apart.

“Y-yeah, I'm fine,” I respond.

“Bullshit, you were talking in your sleep. Muttering about Hisao, apologizing to thin air. I'm... I'm worried about you, kid.”

“Akira, you don't have to worry about me. I can handle it myself.”

“The red spots under your eyes say otherwise.” I reach up and feel along the ridge of my cheeks. She's right, it feels dry. Was I really crying through my dream? I hate knowing that my sister is so distraught about me. She doesn't need to be. I'm an adult now; I can take care of myself.

Her hand finds its way to my shoulder. “You don't have to do this if you don't want to.”

I let out a long sigh. “But I do want to. I want to be with our family. It's... for the best.”

“Lills, you need to do what you want for yourself. What will make you happy. Fuck what Mom and Dad think what's best.” I turn to her. She doesn't use language like that very often. I'm glad that this is a mostly English-speaking flight. “I want you to be happy, kid. And I know that Mom and Dad want that, too. They made this offer because they thought it might be best for everyone, that you might want to go home and live with them.”

“Akira... why are you in this?”

There's a short silence before she responds. “Because I can see myself happy in Scotland, if only for the opportunity to work with Dad's company again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thrilled about seeing them every day. I still resent them for leaving us like that. But this is what's best for me.”

I hang my head. I think I understand what she's saying. But it doesn't matter anymore. I'm already here, on this plane, 11 kilometers in the air and God only knows how many kilometers from home by now. That word lingers... home. Yamaku will always be home to me. With Hanako. Hisao. All of my classmates and friends.

“I miss them already,” I say, unintentionally aloud.

“...already?” she asks in response. “Lilly... this can't be what you want.”

“It's not. But I'm already committed. And I can't go back on my word.” She gives in to my stubbornness, falling back into her seat with a thump and letting out a disgruntled sigh. I hate shutting my sister out like this, but I can't change what I have done. Even if I went back now, what would I say to them? That I was wrong to leave? They would ask me why I did in the first place. That I wasn't strong enough to go through with it? They would treat me like a broken doll. That I couldn't bear the thought of losing them? They would say I was too attached and didn't look out for myself.

My only option is laid before me: I must stay in Scotland. As much as it pains me to think of it this way, it is what must come to pass.

I reach down into my carry-on bag, my digits crawling the inside for my keepsake. A wooden texture drifts along my fingertips. There it is. I grab the small object and pull it out, bringing it close to my face. I feel out the little box's surface, finding the hinges easily. The lid flips open, and a familiar tune plays from the music box. It's quiet and tinny.

Each note brings back memories of my time with him. And each memory is associated with a quiver of my lips. Finally, as I start to recall a wheatfield, our mutual confession, and the events of the aftermath, I break down. Akira must hear the sniffles from my nose, but she doesn't say anything; she just lets me cry.

I lean back in the chair, letting the music box repeat its song again and again. Hisao.... I wronged you. I caused all of this, and I can't do anything about it. You're gone. You didn't come for me, and that speaks volumes. That you didn't care if I just left your life, that you were fine with leaving me behind. That you were ready to move on to the next part of your life.

But that's not the case, is it?

The box snaps shut. Part of me is starting to realize just how much I screwed up. I tried to make him think that I was strong enough, when it was all just a mask. That day in the Shanghai, when I told him of my plans, I should have heard the frustration in his voice. But I was too focused on my own life. I was selfish. I was ignorant.

In the truest sense of the word... I was blind.

“...forgive me,” I whisper softly. “Please.”

----------

The pilot's voice comes on the intercom again, stirring me from my restless sleep. “(Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to touch down in London. The local time is 5 AM. Please stay seated until the plane comes to a complete stop. Thank you for flying British Airways and have a nice day.)”

Akira nudges me in the arm. “C'mon, sleepyhead, wake up. We're home!”

“Yeah... home.” Bittersweet as it may be.

We go through the regular departure procedures, exiting the plane aisle by aisle in double-file. I keep my arm linked with my sister's, letting her guide us through the mobs of passengers. We continue from the exit down another echoing hallway, not unlike the one used as an entrance. It's much quieter this time, since the plane is winding down and not warming up.

The trip to baggage claim is short, and surprisingly not very crowded. Or perhaps Akira is getting better at dodging people. We traveled light, putting most of our belongings through international shipping, so there is only one suitcase to carry. Akira manages to lift it on her own, setting it on the lower wheels and letting it roll across the tile floors.

We are scheduled to meet our parents in the lobby, then ride a train with them to Inverness. I am still conflicted about all of this. Despite being here, I'm not sure that this is what I want. For some reason, I just wish something dire would happen, forcing me back to my friends in Japan.

Roars of an amassed crowd imply that we have reached the airport lobby. After a few moments of standing still, Akira shouts, “There they are!” I can hear their voices as they approach, easy to make out as the only ones in the room also speaking Japanese. One of them wraps their arms around me, soft and feminine.

“So good to see you my dearies!” my mother says, pecking each of us on the cheek. “I trust you had a safe flight?”

“Wouldn't be here otherwise,” Akira responds with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. I can hear my father's distinctive belly-laugh at her response. She flinches at the sound of a smack.

“Good to have you back in the family business, Akira,” he says. “And good to see that our little flower is with us, as well! It's so wonderful to have both of you here in the UK.” His voice changes to mimic the local accent. “Shall I give you the grand tour, take you out to the pub for some fish 'n chips?”

Both my sister and I force a chuckle at his bad sense of humor. “That's perfectly alright, Father,” I say to him.

“I dunno,” Akira continues. “I could use a drink or two. And if it's on the old man's tab, why not?”

My mother sighs, but my father laughs in approval. I release my arm from Akira, extending my walking cane. As foreign as this place is, I should be able to find my way. Mother comes close to me and rests her hand on mine. “That's not necessary, dear. I'll be your guide.” I give her a smile as my thanks, and Akira and Father head on in front of us.

A ringing sound comes from inside my bag just before we exit the airport. “Excuse me,” I say, tugging on her sleeve. “Let me take this.”

“Of course,” she replies. “Akira, Satou, wait for Lilly, please!”

I pull the phone out of my pocket and flip it open, turning away from my companions. “Hello?”

The voice on the other end takes me by surprise. “L-lilly!” It sounds like she's in tears, fretting and trembling.

“Hanako? Hanako, what's wrong?”

“Lilly, i-it's Hisao! He... he...” Yes, Hanako, he what? “He r-ran after you at the a-airport. And had another h-heart attack.”

He... he came for me? And put himself at risk just to stop me? But I thought that he didn't care... I thought that he didn't want to chase me down, that he was fine with me walking out of his life. But now I know. He did care enough to want me to stay with him, to stay with everyone there.

I realize that I haven't said anything to Hanako for a few seconds. Her voice reminds me that she's still there, waiting for a response. “Lilly?”

“I... I see, Hanako.” I don't use those words often, but now it feels like I finally can. “Thank you. I'll...” I turn back to Akira, just to make sure she can hear this. “I'll be there as soon as I can. I just landed in London, so it will be at least a day.”

“O-okay.” She sounds more relaxed now. “S-see you in a f-few days, Lilly.”

I click the phone shut and extend my cane. “Akira,” I say in her general direction. “Come with me to the ticket sales counter. I need to buy a trip home.”

“But you just got here!” my father interjects. “You can't just leave all of a sudden!”

“My friend is in the hospital, and you expect me to stay? You would do the same thing in my shoes.”

“Lilly, dearest,” my mother starts. “We just want what's best for you.”

“Mother, I need to be with them. I need to make sure that they're okay.”

My father's chiding tone comes in again. “What about your family? Your home?”

I face him, gritting my teeth. He will not keep me here any longer. “This is /not/ my home. My home is there, with them. With Hanako and Hisao. I am an adult now, and you /will/ respect my decision to be with them when they need me, whether you agree with it or not.” He doesn't respond, trying to parse my outburst.

Akira speaks before he does. “C'mon, Lills, I'll take you over there.” She takes my arm and starts to walk off with me, but not before my father can say something.

“Wait.” I turn to hear what he has to say, despite Akira's resistance. His hands come to rest on my shoulders. “Lilly... you stood up to me. Your own father. That... that takes guts. Resolve. I admire that. I always have. I always tell my workers to put forth their best effort, and to rat out their superiors for corruption if necessary. In our home culture, that's nigh blasphemous. But you did it so effortlessly, and without regard of the consequences.” He falls silent for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. “I'd be a fool to keep my daughter from someone she cares so much about.”

“How did you-”

“He's all you talked about when you were home last. I can fit the pieces together.” A slight pause, and my sister flinches slightly, as if she's been handed something important. “Akira, take this. The trip's on me. Your sister deserves a little happiness.”

“Aye, aye, sir!” she responds.

I feel my father's arms wrap around me, his words muffled into my collar. “You have grown into a beautiful young woman, Lilly. Now... go make some lucky boy very happy.” I can barely restrain the tears of joy. For once, it feels like they are letting me be a person, not someone broken to be protected.

“I will, Father.”

----------

“How is he feeling?” I ask Hanako, standing outside of his bedroom.

“Th-the doctors say he'll be f-fine. He just n-needs time to recover.”

I run my hand along the outside wall, leaning against it. “What exactly happened, if I might ask?”

“He t-took a taxi in the m-middle of the night. Trying to chase y-you down. He wanted to stop you. I guess t-to say goodbye one more time? He d-didn't say.” I suppose that will have to be a question I have to forward to him personally. I hope he'll give me a straight answer. He was incredibly rash, and that can't be without some reason, no matter how illogical.

“W-would you like to go in, Lilly? I... I think he's still sleeping.”

My lips curl into a faint smile, and I nod. “Yes. I would like that, Hanako.” Just the thought of hearing his voice again is uplifting, even with how short a time we've been apart. No matter if he's still asleep, being in his presence will be enough for me.

I lift my bag off the ground, slipping a retracted walking cane between the loops. I grip the cuff of Hanako's sleeve, as we have always done on our shopping trips, and she guides us into the room. The smell is musky and plain, as if everything is kept overly sterile. A monitor beats in a steady rhythm, mimicing the contractions of his heart. Just under those beeps, I can barely hear the faint sound of his breathing. It's relaxed, at peace; he's sleeping.

Hanako doesn't speak, and she comes to a stop. I take it that she wants to let me go ahead on my own, if I so choose. My grip on her sleeve loosens, and I extend my cane, tapping it to and fro as I move toward his bed. He does not stir, so I presume he is lost in a deep stage of sleep.

My fingertips dance lightly along his face. Even after two days, it's remarkable how much I missed this man. But it only reminds me that I did this to him. I made him chase after me, and he followed to the brink of death. There are so many apologies I could give, but none of them would express just how much he has made me worry about him.

I don't expect I'll hear much more out of him. I reach into my bag and pull out a small token, his wooden music box. A few winds of the key later, it rests on a dresser next to his bed. The tune begins to play, happy and carefree, as it was built to do.

“Hanako?” I whisper. I'm looking for a response more to find out where she's standing.

“Y-yes, Lilly?” I smile and walk over to her, gripping her shirt cuff again. She takes the hint and opens the door, leading us out of the hospital room. As we walk through the doorway, I start to hum an old gospel song, and Hanako sings along softly.

“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,”
“That saved a wretch like me.”
“I once was lost, but now am found,”
“Was blind, but now I see.”

The door closes with a thud. Hanako guides us down the hallway toward the common visitation area near the hospital entrance. As we walk down the corridors, the memories start to come back again. I'm reminded of that time when the three of us went into town in Hokkaido, when Hisao's condition first became apparent. It was in that moment that I realized just how much I cared about him, how much I worried for his well-being. I wanted him to be safe, to never have to concern himself with that again.

If I were to turn back on him now, when he was at his most broken, what kind of lover would I be? What kind of /friend/ would I be? A horrible one, that much is certain. If he found the resolve to try and stop me, then he must be kicking himself by thinking that I'm still gone. I left the music box, but... part of me wants to be there in person. He once said that he wanted to wake up to my face every morning. Why not start now?

I tug on Hanako's sleeve, a signal to stop that we've long established. “Y-yes, Lilly, what is it?”

“I... I want to go sit with him. Alone.”

She doesn't ask for motivation, she just acknowledges the request. “O-of course.” She turns us around and we head back to his room. I set my bag and cane on the ground by his door. I can tell that Hanako is inquisitive. “I won't need them. I was blind, but now I see.” My lips curl into a smile as I say those words, especially after singing them earlier.

The metal door handle is deathly cold. The tumblers fall and crash, and the hinges creak as the door opens. I feel along the outside wall, finding my orientation in the small room, trying to remind myself of where things are from the small glimpse I had beforehand.

Suddenly, a voice. Calm, but worried. Loving, but confused. And, above all else, tired.

“L... Lilly?”

I've never been so happy in my life.