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- 1
- 00:00:26,598 --> 00:00:31,598
- Subtitles by explosiveskull
- www.OpenSubtitles.org
- 2
- 00:00:46,745 --> 00:00:47,846
- One.
- 3
- 00:00:53,785 --> 00:00:54,853
- Two.
- 4
- 00:00:57,022 --> 00:00:59,792
- Smallwood!
- You're free to go!
- 5
- 00:00:59,825 --> 00:01:02,328
- Merry Christmas,
- ya filthy animal.
- 6
- 00:03:04,583 --> 00:03:05,550
- Mr. Secretary,
- Merry Christmas!
- 7
- 00:03:05,583 --> 00:03:07,485
- Tom! Great to see you.
- 8
- 00:03:07,518 --> 00:03:08,820
- Well, I wouldn't
- miss this for the world.
- 9
- 00:03:08,853 --> 00:03:12,725
- Well, this is gonna be a fantastic
- holiday bonus for our military.
- 10
- 00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:17,463
- <i>Access to PEN15 will
- be granted in ten, nine, eight...</i>
- 11
- 00:03:17,495 --> 00:03:19,764
- Okay folks, let's get it
- started in here!
- 12
- 00:03:19,798 --> 00:03:23,803
- Agent Woman, Agent Charlesworth,
- let s relay the shriek command codes!
- 13
- 00:03:23,835 --> 00:03:26,538
- Agent Woman, administer
- the voice modulation masks.
- 14
- 00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:28,007
- <i>One.</i>
- 15
- 00:03:49,094 --> 00:03:51,697
- Agent Charlesworth,
- we have access.
- 16
- 00:03:52,130 --> 00:03:53,833
- Ha-ha!
- 17
- 00:03:53,865 --> 00:03:54,867
- Nice!
- 18
- 00:03:57,035 --> 00:03:59,138
- Thank you, Houston.
- We'll take it from here.
- 19
- 00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:01,639
- Hot dog,
- Christmas has come early!
- 20
- 00:04:01,673 --> 00:04:03,776
- Let's see what
- those little furballs can do.
- 21
- 00:04:03,809 --> 00:04:05,578
- I'm sending command shrieks
- 22
- 00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:08,548
- to the space thingy now,
- Mr. Secretary.
- 23
- 00:04:15,686 --> 00:04:19,491
- They're accessing the space
- thingy's visual optics.
- 24
- 00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:24,096
- Oh, they
- found something!
- 25
- 00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:24,996
- Tammy!
- 26
- 00:04:25,029 --> 00:04:27,532
- Oh, tell them
- to try image enhancing!
- 27
- 00:04:29,134 --> 00:04:31,838
- Oh, titties!
- 28
- 00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:33,506
- Boobies!
- 29
- 00:04:33,538 --> 00:04:36,108
- Breasteseseses.
- 30
- 00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:37,809
- That is sophomoric.
- 31
- 00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:39,177
- And tasteless.
- 32
- 00:04:39,211 --> 00:04:40,546
- Those nerds at the NSA
- 33
- 00:04:40,579 --> 00:04:42,615
- probably think
- this is Santa's sleigh!
- 34
- 00:04:43,714 --> 00:04:44,916
- If they only knew!
- 35
- 00:04:44,950 --> 00:04:46,584
- The optics are phenomenal,
- 36
- 00:04:46,618 --> 00:04:48,921
- just think what the laser
- capabilities might be.
- 37
- 00:04:48,954 --> 00:04:50,288
- This might be the best weapon
- 38
- 00:04:50,322 --> 00:04:53,125
- the U.S. military
- has ever had ever!
- 39
- 00:04:54,993 --> 00:04:56,529
- Chester, I gotta
- hand it to ya, man.
- 40
- 00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,131
- This raccoon weapons
- program is incredible!
- 41
- 00:04:59,163 --> 00:05:02,267
- From spraying raccoon feces
- all over the Middle East
- 42
- 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,301
- to developing one of the most
- 43
- 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,937
- uncrackable satellite
- codes in human history.
- 44
- 00:05:05,971 --> 00:05:08,040
- Even the Chinese
- can't figure it out!
- 45
- 00:05:08,072 --> 00:05:09,575
- Great job, man!
- 46
- 00:05:09,608 --> 00:05:10,942
- Congress is gonna
- be so pissed
- 47
- 00:05:10,976 --> 00:05:12,778
- when they find out
- who is paying for this.
- 48
- 00:05:12,810 --> 00:05:14,680
- Hey, guys, can I
- get a little credit here?
- 49
- 00:05:14,712 --> 00:05:15,847
- I mean,
- ten years ago,
- 50
- 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,017
- the raccoons slaughtered
- fifteen campers here in town.
- 51
- 00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,486
- If I didn't cover
- the whole thing up
- 52
- 00:05:20,519 --> 00:05:24,223
- and ship the raccoons off to the
- military, we wouldn't be here today.
- 53
- 00:05:24,255 --> 00:05:26,958
- I only wish my colleagues
- from that summer had survived,
- 54
- 00:05:26,991 --> 00:05:28,793
- I heard their
- bodies were never found.
- 55
- 00:05:28,827 --> 00:05:30,896
- They were all ripped
- to shreds by raccoons.
- 56
- 00:05:30,928 --> 00:05:32,130
- You know, it's funny
- you would mention that,
- 57
- 00:05:32,163 --> 00:05:33,765
- cause just last week,
- we had a break-in
- 58
- 00:05:33,798 --> 00:05:35,834
- at the Raccoon Creek
- weapons facility.
- 59
- 00:05:35,866 --> 00:05:37,068
- We got a few things missing,
- 60
- 00:05:37,101 --> 00:05:38,971
- like some raccoons
- and some gear
- 61
- 00:05:39,003 --> 00:05:40,238
- and I don't know
- who the heck would take it,
- 62
- 00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:41,440
- 'cause what are they
- going to do with it?
- 63
- 00:05:41,473 --> 00:05:44,776
- There was a note left behind,
- it said, "Shitsnakes."
- 64
- 00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:46,178
- Strange I've heard
- that before.
- 65
- 00:05:46,212 --> 00:05:49,882
- Yeah, you know that was something
- Ranger Rick Danger used to say.
- 66
- 00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:51,649
- He was a boozehound
- park ranger
- 67
- 00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:54,252
- I hired ten years ago.
- Nobody knows what it meant.
- 68
- 00:05:54,286 --> 00:05:56,088
- Shitsnakes?
- That's not a thing.
- 69
- 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,323
- Like, snakes
- covered in shit?
- 70
- 00:05:58,356 --> 00:06:00,058
- Well, nobody
- really knows.
- 71
- 00:06:00,091 --> 00:06:02,661
- Besides, Ranger
- Danger is long gone,
- 72
- 00:06:02,694 --> 00:06:04,663
- you guys did
- a phenomenal job,
- 73
- 00:06:04,695 --> 00:06:06,931
- have a great holiday,
- thanks so much.
- 74
- 00:06:06,964 --> 00:06:07,933
- Thank you, sir.
- 75
- 00:06:07,966 --> 00:06:10,269
- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
- I mean, Mr. Secretary
- 76
- 00:06:10,301 --> 00:06:12,337
- You're welcome.
- Just call me sir the way she does.
- 77
- 00:06:12,370 --> 00:06:14,005
- Yes, sir.
- 78
- 00:06:14,038 --> 00:06:15,373
- Merry Christmas, Mr. Secretary!
- 79
- 00:06:15,406 --> 00:06:17,142
- Agent Woman,
- could I talk to you for a second?
- 80
- 00:06:17,175 --> 00:06:18,377
- - Mm-hmm.
- - Sorry, Chester.
- 81
- 00:06:18,409 --> 00:06:19,978
- Of course.
- Have a great holiday.
- 82
- 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:22,548
- Listen,
- 83
- 00:06:22,580 --> 00:06:25,783
- I don't know if you're staying
- in town for the holidays,
- 84
- 00:06:25,817 --> 00:06:27,119
- but I have a cabin
- in the woods
- 85
- 00:06:27,151 --> 00:06:29,187
- and I would love it
- if you would join me.
- 86
- 00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:31,790
- As flattered as I am by the
- offer, sir, my plans are to make
- 87
- 00:06:31,822 --> 00:06:34,359
- the next train to Washington
- to meet my... family.
- 88
- 00:06:34,392 --> 00:06:36,794
- Ha-ha! Well, no matter,
- I'm married anyway.
- 89
- 00:06:36,827 --> 00:06:38,830
- Listen, like
- the secretary said,
- 90
- 00:06:38,863 --> 00:06:39,998
- you did a great job today!
- 91
- 00:06:40,031 --> 00:06:40,899
- Thank you, sir.
- 92
- 00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:43,002
- But I don't need
- a man to tell me that.
- 93
- 00:06:44,803 --> 00:06:47,940
- Hoo-hoo,
- feminism is hot, ha-ha!
- 94
- 00:06:54,178 --> 00:06:57,616
- Come on, Aunt Sally's
- mittens, where is he?
- 95
- 00:07:05,457 --> 00:07:07,993
- O-M-G! Ty! Ty Smallwood!
- 96
- 00:07:10,928 --> 00:07:13,666
- Shane! How are ya, man?
- 97
- 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:14,867
- Hey, what's
- with the cross?
- 98
- 00:07:14,899 --> 00:07:16,435
- Oh, I'm a Christian now!
- 99
- 00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:18,670
- Isn't that great?
- I went to conversion therapy.
- 100
- 00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:20,706
- The only thing
- I'm gay for now is Jesus,
- 101
- 00:07:20,738 --> 00:07:22,674
- and he's the reason for the
- season, am I right?
- 102
- 00:07:22,707 --> 00:07:24,308
- Hey, I love that mustache.
- 103
- 00:07:24,341 --> 00:07:25,777
- Oh, thanks.
- 104
- 00:07:25,810 --> 00:07:27,178
- But don't call me Ty anymore.
- 105
- 00:07:27,212 --> 00:07:28,180
- I changed my name.
- 106
- 00:07:28,212 --> 00:07:30,314
- I couldn't stand being
- made fun of in prison.
- 107
- 00:07:30,348 --> 00:07:33,218
- Oh, right. Smallwood could
- be perceived as "small penis."
- 108
- 00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:34,452
- Makes sense.
- 109
- 00:07:34,486 --> 00:07:36,656
- So from now on, call me Casey.
- 110
- 00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,159
- Casey Smallwood.
- 111
- 00:07:40,192 --> 00:07:42,795
- I got this place after I got
- out of conversion therapy.
- 112
- 00:07:42,827 --> 00:07:44,429
- Business boomed when
- the mayor of Independence
- 113
- 00:07:44,462 --> 00:07:46,164
- became the Secretary
- of Defense.
- 114
- 00:07:46,197 --> 00:07:47,865
- Lot of military families
- coming through.
- 115
- 00:07:47,899 --> 00:07:49,401
- It's been really
- good for business.
- 116
- 00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:50,801
- Wait, the mayor?
- 117
- 00:07:50,836 --> 00:07:53,706
- That dick who put me in jail for
- ten years for underage drinking?
- 118
- 00:07:53,738 --> 00:07:55,840
- He put Al Jazeera
- in Guantanamo!
- 119
- 00:07:55,873 --> 00:07:57,475
- We don't even know
- if Al's alive.
- 120
- 00:07:57,509 --> 00:08:00,446
- Ty... Casey, a lot's changed
- 121
- 00:08:00,478 --> 00:08:02,147
- in the last ten years
- since you've been gone.
- 122
- 00:08:06,918 --> 00:08:09,187
- The mayor's done a lot of
- good since he's gotten to D.C.
- 123
- 00:08:09,221 --> 00:08:11,957
- So he's a hero now, huh?
- What'd he do for you?
- 124
- 00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:13,358
- He got me
- the conversion therapy.
- 125
- 00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:15,493
- I'm not living that sinful,
- disgusting life anymore.
- 126
- 00:08:15,526 --> 00:08:16,995
- Speaking of,
- we have a Christmas
- 127
- 00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:18,397
- swingers party
- going on tonight.
- 128
- 00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:19,965
- You're more than
- welcome to hang out,
- 129
- 00:08:19,998 --> 00:08:21,332
- stay as long as you like.
- 130
- 00:08:21,365 --> 00:08:22,868
- Well, that's nice
- of you, Shane,
- 131
- 00:08:22,901 --> 00:08:25,037
- but Imma try to see
- my family on the East Coast.
- 132
- 00:08:25,070 --> 00:08:27,772
- I'm actually supposed
- to meet up with this girl
- 133
- 00:08:27,805 --> 00:08:31,209
- I've been in touch with,
- and take the next train to D.C.
- 134
- 00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:32,344
- What?
- 135
- 00:08:32,377 --> 00:08:34,979
- Who is this girl, how long
- you been in touch with her
- 136
- 00:08:35,012 --> 00:08:36,748
- and will you be
- touching her a lot more?
- 137
- 00:08:36,781 --> 00:08:39,817
- She's the sister of the dead
- girl that I lost my virginity to
- 138
- 00:08:39,850 --> 00:08:42,520
- ten years ago,
- who was mauled by raccoons.
- 139
- 00:08:42,554 --> 00:08:43,655
- Her name's Darlene.
- 140
- 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,392
- We struck up a penpal-ship
- while I was in the joint.
- 141
- 00:08:48,259 --> 00:08:49,527
- She wants to know the truth
- 142
- 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:50,995
- about what
- happened to her sister.
- 143
- 00:08:52,129 --> 00:08:53,298
- I'm not gonna lie, Shane.
- 144
- 00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,836
- That summer really
- fucked me up.
- 145
- 00:08:57,868 --> 00:09:01,339
- It's almost as if I'm
- a totally different person now.
- 146
- 00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:03,108
- Yeah, it's pretty obvious.
- 147
- 00:09:03,141 --> 00:09:05,344
- Look, Casey,
- Raccoon Creek Campground
- 148
- 00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:06,811
- doesn't exist anymore.
- 149
- 00:09:06,844 --> 00:09:08,880
- It's a top secret
- military facility.
- 150
- 00:09:08,914 --> 00:09:11,083
- There hasn't been
- a raccoon attack in ten years.
- 151
- 00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,786
- Anybody who knows about
- that attack, they keep quiet.
- 152
- 00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:15,320
- You'd be smart
- to do the same thing.
- 153
- 00:09:15,353 --> 00:09:19,023
- If this whole mystery train ride with
- your dead lover's sister doesn't pan out,
- 154
- 00:09:19,056 --> 00:09:20,459
- make sure to hit me up
- on social media.
- 155
- 00:09:22,359 --> 00:09:23,460
- Thanks, Shane.
- 156
- 00:09:23,494 --> 00:09:25,930
- But I think I need to get
- the fuck out of this town.
- 157
- 00:09:26,464 --> 00:09:28,166
- And above all
- 158
- 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,836
- I never want to see
- another raccoon again.
- 159
- 00:09:31,869 --> 00:09:35,039
- <i>Now
- boarding the 9:11 train to D.C.</i>
- 160
- 00:09:35,073 --> 00:09:38,811
- <i>Never forget that the 9:11
- train is now boarding.</i>
- 161
- 00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:42,147
- <i>How could anyone
- forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding?</i>
- 162
- 00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:45,050
- <i>No one should ever
- forget about the 9:11 train.</i>
- 163
- 00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,852
- <i>Well, you'd be surprised about</i>
- 164
- 00:09:46,884 --> 00:09:48,920
- <i>how many people
- forget about the 9:11 train.</i>
- 165
- 00:09:48,954 --> 00:09:52,825
- <i>It's like no one remembers anything
- about the 9:11 train anymore.</i>
- 166
- 00:09:52,858 --> 00:09:54,026
- <i>Well, that's because these days,</i>
- 167
- 00:09:54,059 --> 00:09:55,127
- <i>there's still
- a lot of questions</i>
- 168
- 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,563
- <i>about what really
- happened to the 9:11 train.</i>
- 169
- 00:09:57,595 --> 00:09:58,630
- <i>You're
- going to bring up your doubts</i>
- 170
- 00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,433
- <i>about what happened
- to the 9:11 train again?</i>
- 171
- 00:10:01,465 --> 00:10:03,435
- <i>I'm just
- saying it's okay to ask questions</i>
- 172
- 00:10:03,468 --> 00:10:05,337
- <i>about what our
- government really knew</i>
- 173
- 00:10:05,369 --> 00:10:07,505
- <i>about the 9:11 train
- and when they knew it!</i>
- 174
- 00:10:07,539 --> 00:10:08,774
- <i>Oh, my God.</i>
- 175
- 00:10:08,806 --> 00:10:11,609
- <i>We're not arguing about what
- happened to the 9:11 train.</i>
- 176
- 00:10:11,642 --> 00:10:14,345
- <i>Hey!
- I have a lot of questions...</i>
- 177
- 00:10:19,984 --> 00:10:21,219
- Hi, there.
- 178
- 00:10:21,252 --> 00:10:23,555
- Has a woman named Darlene Bean
- picked up her tickets yet?
- 179
- 00:10:27,492 --> 00:10:31,296
- Hey, are you Casey?
- I'm Darlene.
- 180
- 00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:32,998
- Janine's sister.
- 181
- 00:10:33,031 --> 00:10:35,233
- Wow, I can tell
- You look just like her.
- 182
- 00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:39,338
- It's, it's uncanny, not to be
- weird or anything, but,
- 183
- 00:10:39,371 --> 00:10:41,406
- I made this for you
- 184
- 00:10:41,439 --> 00:10:44,276
- Hey, I hate to interrupt this
- really awkward moment,
- 185
- 00:10:44,309 --> 00:10:46,245
- but did you guys want
- to pick up your tickets or...
- 186
- 00:10:46,277 --> 00:10:49,113
- Yeah, there should be two
- tickets under my name, Smallwood.
- 187
- 00:10:49,147 --> 00:10:51,049
- You didn't have to buy
- both of our tickets.
- 188
- 00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:51,915
- It's not a problem.
- 189
- 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:54,319
- It's amazing how much
- money you save
- 190
- 00:10:54,352 --> 00:10:55,921
- when you have
- no place to spend it.
- 191
- 00:10:55,954 --> 00:11:00,192
- Okay. Uh, two tickets
- for Ty Smallwood.
- 192
- 00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:02,327
- Actually changed my name,
- it's Casey now.
- 193
- 00:11:03,427 --> 00:11:04,562
- Casey Smallwood.
- 194
- 00:11:04,595 --> 00:11:08,633
- Well, your last name still
- means "small penis" though.
- 195
- 00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:13,939
- <i>Last call
- for the 9:11 train to D.C., last call!</i>
- 196
- 00:11:13,972 --> 00:11:15,941
- <i>And no, we're not
- arguing about it anymore.</i>
- 197
- 00:11:20,578 --> 00:11:22,615
- So uh, how's
- your family doing?
- 198
- 00:11:23,714 --> 00:11:26,084
- Uh, fine,
- I guess.
- 199
- 00:11:26,117 --> 00:11:29,253
- I mean, as good as you can be
- when a member of your family
- 200
- 00:11:29,286 --> 00:11:32,391
- mysteriously dies
- at a campground.
- 201
- 00:11:32,424 --> 00:11:35,928
- Nobody ever really told us
- exactly how or why she died.
- 202
- 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,630
- Yeah, I wanted to talk
- to you about that.
- 203
- 00:11:40,198 --> 00:11:41,934
- Actually, I...
- 204
- 00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:45,137
- I made you this Christmas present
- to get the conversation started
- 205
- 00:11:45,170 --> 00:11:47,606
- That's an
- interesting necklace.
- 206
- 00:11:47,638 --> 00:11:50,709
- Yeah, killed that raccoon
- myself ten years ago.
- 207
- 00:11:50,742 --> 00:11:53,612
- Wait, seriously?
- You killed an innocent raccoon?
- 208
- 00:11:53,645 --> 00:11:55,948
- Casey, you know I'm a big
- animal rights activist.
- 209
- 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:57,349
- I've written to you
- about it a lot.
- 210
- 00:11:57,382 --> 00:11:59,651
- I-I mean, I know that!
- 211
- 00:11:59,684 --> 00:12:00,785
- This was a bad one.
- 212
- 00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:03,322
- It's actually part of the
- story about your sister.
- 213
- 00:12:03,988 --> 00:12:05,022
- Jesus, dude.
- 214
- 00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:06,624
- Well, it's a good
- thing we've got
- 215
- 00:12:06,657 --> 00:12:08,326
- a long ass train ride
- ahead of us.
- 216
- 00:12:08,359 --> 00:12:09,360
- Let's go.
- 217
- 00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:14,065
- Looks like I've bitten off
- more than I can choo-choo.
- 218
- 00:12:16,166 --> 00:12:18,671
- Oh, wow! How's it going there,
- young lady?
- 219
- 00:12:20,070 --> 00:12:22,040
- Oh, okay, well.
- Hey, where ya going?
- 220
- 00:12:22,073 --> 00:12:23,475
- Come on,
- I'm the train's photographer!
- 221
- 00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:26,210
- So what are you, uh,
- 222
- 00:12:26,243 --> 00:12:27,713
- traveling with your
- boyfriend or something?
- 223
- 00:12:27,746 --> 00:12:29,248
- Or going dolo?
- 224
- 00:12:30,248 --> 00:12:31,416
- She's traveling
- with me.
- 225
- 00:12:34,719 --> 00:12:35,653
- Sorry.
- 226
- 00:12:35,686 --> 00:12:38,589
- Hey, you look really
- familiar. Have we met?
- 227
- 00:12:38,623 --> 00:12:39,757
- I don't think so.
- 228
- 00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:41,225
- I just got
- out of prison.
- 229
- 00:12:41,258 --> 00:12:42,226
- You?
- 230
- 00:12:42,259 --> 00:12:44,562
- I was in jail for a bit
- about ten years ago
- 231
- 00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,065
- I don' t think
- I know you from there.
- 232
- 00:12:46,730 --> 00:12:48,099
- Look, sorry, man.
- 233
- 00:12:48,132 --> 00:12:50,199
- Hope you have a good trip.
- 234
- 00:12:53,037 --> 00:12:54,438
- And so,
- as the holiday train
- 235
- 00:12:54,472 --> 00:12:56,041
- boards up again
- this Christmas Eve
- 236
- 00:12:56,074 --> 00:12:57,709
- on its way to our
- nation's capital,
- 237
- 00:12:57,742 --> 00:13:00,378
- the folks on board are prepared
- for some unannounced guests,
- 238
- 00:13:00,411 --> 00:13:03,248
- perhaps even
- Santa Claus himself.
- 239
- 00:13:03,281 --> 00:13:05,217
- For Network News,
- I'm Dick Weener.
- 240
- 00:13:07,084 --> 00:13:08,152
- Did we get it? Good.
- 241
- 00:13:08,185 --> 00:13:09,253
- I'm getting the fuck
- out of here.
- 242
- 00:13:09,286 --> 00:13:10,254
- This place gives me
- the creeps!
- 243
- 00:13:10,287 --> 00:13:11,789
- I've been the biggest
- name in the local news
- 244
- 00:13:11,823 --> 00:13:13,759
- for ten years now
- and it's time to move on.
- 245
- 00:13:13,791 --> 00:13:15,393
- The Secretary of Defense
- says once I get this
- 246
- 00:13:15,426 --> 00:13:16,527
- spokesman job
- at the Pentagon,
- 247
- 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,329
- I don't need
- you plebeians anymore!
- 248
- 00:13:18,363 --> 00:13:20,099
- Happy holidays,
- you sad sacks!
- 249
- 00:14:01,506 --> 00:14:02,307
- <i>The NSA
- tracks Santa on Christmas Eve,</i>
- 250
- 00:14:02,339 --> 00:14:04,542
- <i>but who else
- are they tracking?</i>
- 251
- 00:14:04,575 --> 00:14:06,777
- - <i>I don t trust them one bit.</i>
- - Well, hello, Agent Woman.
- 252
- 00:14:06,810 --> 00:14:09,480
- Looks like Santa got me
- a little present this year.
- 253
- 00:14:09,513 --> 00:14:11,082
- Hello, Agent Charlesworth
- 254
- 00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,350
- Care for a vod-sode?
- 255
- 00:14:12,382 --> 00:14:13,451
- A vod what?
- 256
- 00:14:13,484 --> 00:14:15,454
- A vod-sode. Vodka soda.
- 257
- 00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,322
- It has the highest
- alcohol content
- 258
- 00:14:17,354 --> 00:14:19,090
- and the lowest
- amount of calories.
- 259
- 00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:24,762
- Hey! Hey, man!
- 260
- 00:14:24,796 --> 00:14:27,364
- That's rape culture.
- Did you even wash your hands?
- 261
- 00:14:27,397 --> 00:14:28,867
- What? Of course
- I washed my hands.
- 262
- 00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:30,401
- I always wash my hands.
- 263
- 00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:32,570
- - Okay. Then strip for me.
- - What?
- 264
- 00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:35,706
- Strip for me, you big
- hairy man. Strip!
- 265
- 00:14:37,541 --> 00:14:39,110
- Okay!
- 266
- 00:14:39,143 --> 00:14:40,311
- <i>There is no more freedom,</i>
- 267
- 00:14:40,344 --> 00:14:42,147
- <i>there is no more
- personal freedom.</i>
- 268
- 00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,281
- <i>If Jesus Christ
- were president,</i>
- 269
- 00:14:44,315 --> 00:14:46,350
- <i>something like this
- would never happen!</i>
- 270
- 00:14:56,828 --> 00:14:58,430
- All right, boys.
- 271
- 00:14:58,463 --> 00:14:59,698
- Let's go to work.
- 272
- 00:15:08,805 --> 00:15:12,143
- <i>First it was flu
- shots at Christmas, what else is next?</i>
- 273
- 00:15:12,176 --> 00:15:15,379
- I'm gonna ask if you have
- any nines or elevens?
- 274
- 00:15:15,412 --> 00:15:18,315
- Well, I'm gonna go
- ahead tell ya to go fish!
- 275
- 00:15:18,349 --> 00:15:19,718
- Dang nab it.
- 276
- 00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:24,488
- <i>They're trying to control...</i>
- 277
- 00:15:24,522 --> 00:15:26,691
- You hear something?
- 278
- 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,795
- Merry Christmas?
- 279
- 00:15:39,304 --> 00:15:42,274
- All right, boys.
- We got ten minutes.
- 280
- 00:15:56,421 --> 00:16:00,791
- Hey, there. Could you tell me what
- that girl over there is drinking?
- 281
- 00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:03,295
- I'd like to have the
- same thing to be social.
- 282
- 00:16:03,328 --> 00:16:05,664
- It's just that I haven't
- had a drink in ten years.
- 283
- 00:16:05,696 --> 00:16:06,731
- I just got out of prison.
- 284
- 00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:08,967
- For underage drinking.
- 285
- 00:16:08,999 --> 00:16:10,734
- Are you a murderer?
- 286
- 00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:11,869
- What? No!
- 287
- 00:16:11,902 --> 00:16:14,638
- Oh, Phew. Okay.
- I have to ask.
- 288
- 00:16:14,671 --> 00:16:18,542
- We get a lot of felons on here
- from that jail in Independence.
- 289
- 00:16:18,575 --> 00:16:20,411
- Your friend is drinking
- a vod-sode.
- 290
- 00:16:20,445 --> 00:16:21,478
- A what?
- 291
- 00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:23,949
- A vod-sode.
- Vodka soda.
- 292
- 00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:25,416
- It's the highest
- alcohol content
- 293
- 00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,252
- with the lowest
- amount of calories.
- 294
- 00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:28,752
- Let me go see
- if I can do this.
- 295
- 00:16:28,786 --> 00:16:29,787
- I'll be back.
- 296
- 00:16:33,858 --> 00:16:35,392
- Yo, Casey.
- 297
- 00:16:35,425 --> 00:16:37,929
- Wanna join me
- for a drink?
- 298
- 00:16:37,961 --> 00:16:39,197
- Yeah.
- 299
- 00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:43,435
- Hey, your sister,
- she used to call me Ty,
- 300
- 00:16:43,468 --> 00:16:45,603
- because that
- was my real name.
- 301
- 00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,705
- But then, I changed
- my name to Casey,
- 302
- 00:16:47,738 --> 00:16:49,541
- and you've been
- calling me that,
- 303
- 00:16:49,574 --> 00:16:51,343
- which has been nice.
- 304
- 00:16:51,376 --> 00:16:55,647
- But I guess if you want to,
- you could call me Ty,
- 305
- 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,449
- just like your dead sister did.
- 306
- 00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:59,384
- I don't want
- to call you Ty, Casey.
- 307
- 00:16:59,416 --> 00:17:01,319
- And I don't just want
- to keep hearing about
- 308
- 00:17:01,352 --> 00:17:03,722
- your relationship
- with my dead sister.
- 309
- 00:17:03,754 --> 00:17:05,757
- I'd love to know
- why she died,
- 310
- 00:17:05,789 --> 00:17:07,424
- if you know
- anything about that.
- 311
- 00:17:07,458 --> 00:17:09,494
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- 312
- 00:17:09,526 --> 00:17:11,462
- - It's just...
- - It's just what?
- 313
- 00:17:11,496 --> 00:17:13,364
- Are you going to tell me
- what happened to her,
- 314
- 00:17:13,398 --> 00:17:14,833
- or do you even know?
- 315
- 00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:17,334
- I mean, was it
- your fault or something?
- 316
- 00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:18,869
- I loved your sister.
- 317
- 00:17:18,902 --> 00:17:20,438
- I didn't know
- she was going to die!
- 318
- 00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:22,007
- My best friend
- died that summer,
- 319
- 00:17:22,039 --> 00:17:23,507
- and so did a lot
- of other people.
- 320
- 00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:24,441
- And I tried to stop it!
- 321
- 00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:26,710
- Yeah, well, you did
- a great fucking job.
- 322
- 00:17:26,744 --> 00:17:28,813
- If at any point you'd
- like to tell me exactly
- 323
- 00:17:28,845 --> 00:17:32,950
- what happened to my dead sister,
- that would be great.
- 324
- 00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:38,422
- Maybe I do need
- that vod-sode.
- 325
- 00:17:42,492 --> 00:17:45,296
- Hey, Shelley What was
- in that vod-sode again?
- 326
- 00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:48,867
- Well, it's like, vodka,
- but like, also soda.
- 327
- 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,636
- Great, I'll take one.
- 328
- 00:17:53,603 --> 00:17:57,842
- Hey, Casey, I'm sorry I
- lashed out at you earlier.
- 329
- 00:17:57,874 --> 00:17:58,942
- It's just...
- 330
- 00:17:58,976 --> 00:18:00,812
- You were with my
- sister that summer
- 331
- 00:18:00,844 --> 00:18:04,449
- and I just really need
- to know how she died.
- 332
- 00:18:04,481 --> 00:18:07,418
- There's so much information
- my family and I never got
- 333
- 00:18:07,451 --> 00:18:10,821
- and if you know anything
- about what happened,
- 334
- 00:18:10,854 --> 00:18:14,925
- I'd just like to pick up our pen
- pal relationship and figure it out.
- 335
- 00:18:16,594 --> 00:18:18,863
- Of course.
- 336
- 00:18:18,895 --> 00:18:20,632
- And I promise,
- by the end of this trip,
- 337
- 00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,067
- you'll know how
- your dead sister died.
- 338
- 00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:25,969
- Thanks. I'm gonna
- go take a jog,
- 339
- 00:18:26,003 --> 00:18:28,440
- but later we can
- have some drinks and talk.
- 340
- 00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:45,457
- Let's go, boys.
- 341
- 00:18:49,994 --> 00:18:51,496
- Oh, hey, look,
- don't get your psycho
- 342
- 00:18:51,528 --> 00:18:53,131
- ex-con boyfriend
- to beat me up, all right?
- 343
- 00:18:53,163 --> 00:18:54,598
- I was just trying
- to make conversation.
- 344
- 00:18:54,632 --> 00:18:55,834
- He's not my boyfriend.
- 345
- 00:18:55,866 --> 00:18:57,068
- Oh, now we're talking.
- 346
- 00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:02,906
- Look, don t bring rape culture
- with you to work, okay?
- 347
- 00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:06,411
- And if you even try
- to touch me, I'll beat you up.
- 348
- 00:19:07,778 --> 00:19:08,646
- Look, I don't
- know about that.
- 349
- 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,547
- I've been doing
- a lot of this lately.
- 350
- 00:19:10,581 --> 00:19:11,716
- Oh, wow.
- 351
- 00:19:11,748 --> 00:19:13,718
- Well, why don't you go ahead
- and try and touch me then?
- 352
- 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:14,786
- Wait, what?
- 353
- 00:19:14,818 --> 00:19:16,653
- Go ahead. Touch me.
- 354
- 00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:18,556
- All right, I mean I guess
- that's consent, so...
- 355
- 00:19:20,591 --> 00:19:22,960
- Ow! An electric shock
- I can't fuck with!
- 356
- 00:19:24,061 --> 00:19:25,430
- Oh, come on!
- 357
- 00:19:26,863 --> 00:19:29,633
- Oh, God, I can't breathe.
- I can't breathe!
- 358
- 00:19:32,135 --> 00:19:34,873
- Come on.
- Where'd you learn that from?
- 359
- 00:19:34,905 --> 00:19:36,073
- The NYPD?
- 360
- 00:19:36,106 --> 00:19:39,610
- Ten years ago my sister and I
- took a self-defense class.
- 361
- 00:19:39,643 --> 00:19:42,613
- Then she died on some
- camping trip in Independence,
- 362
- 00:19:42,646 --> 00:19:45,783
- so I kept training to make sure
- nothing ever happened to me.
- 363
- 00:19:45,816 --> 00:19:47,484
- Well, I'm really sorry
- to hear that,
- 364
- 00:19:47,517 --> 00:19:48,652
- but I'm pretty sure
- you don't have to worry
- 365
- 00:19:48,686 --> 00:19:50,021
- about getting killed
- on this train.
- 366
- 00:19:50,054 --> 00:19:52,457
- Yeah, well,
- I certainly hope not.
- 367
- 00:19:54,558 --> 00:19:56,161
- Hey, wait.
- 368
- 00:19:56,193 --> 00:19:58,896
- You said your sister was killed
- on a camping trip in Independence?
- 369
- 00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:01,098
- Yeah?
- 370
- 00:20:01,132 --> 00:20:02,933
- I was there around
- ten years ago, too.
- 371
- 00:20:02,967 --> 00:20:05,036
- I think I remember your friend,
- but I can't be sure.
- 372
- 00:20:05,068 --> 00:20:06,937
- Yeah, well,
- I'm not sure either.
- 373
- 00:20:08,038 --> 00:20:09,407
- Oh!
- 374
- 00:20:10,507 --> 00:20:12,844
- Oh, goddamn.
- Hang in there fellas!
- 375
- 00:20:17,782 --> 00:20:19,050
- You want paper
- or something?
- 376
- 00:20:19,950 --> 00:20:21,885
- No, thank you.
- 377
- 00:20:21,919 --> 00:20:24,055
- I'm just jotting down
- a few notes.
- 378
- 00:20:24,087 --> 00:20:26,023
- Maybe I'll turn it into
- a screenplay or something.
- 379
- 00:20:26,056 --> 00:20:27,925
- Oh, really? What about?
- 380
- 00:20:27,959 --> 00:20:30,027
- Just about when
- I lost my virginity
- 381
- 00:20:30,061 --> 00:20:33,531
- and the girl I lost it to
- was devoured by raccoons,
- 382
- 00:20:33,564 --> 00:20:34,798
- and then a whole
- bunch of other people
- 383
- 00:20:34,832 --> 00:20:36,568
- were killed by raccoons, too
- 384
- 00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:39,871
- Including my best friend,
- at a summer camp.
- 385
- 00:20:39,903 --> 00:20:43,708
- And then I was imprisoned for ten
- years for underage consumption.
- 386
- 00:20:47,844 --> 00:20:48,979
- Okay.
- 387
- 00:20:49,013 --> 00:20:51,649
- First of all, that sounds
- like a fucking shitty movie.
- 388
- 00:20:51,681 --> 00:20:52,549
- Second of all,
- 389
- 00:20:52,583 --> 00:20:53,985
- do you want some
- nuts with your drink?
- 390
- 00:20:54,017 --> 00:20:55,487
- Or are you
- already there?
- 391
- 00:20:56,586 --> 00:20:58,155
- No, I'm actually
- allergic to nuts.
- 392
- 00:20:58,189 --> 00:20:59,423
- Shit, you better
- get to the kitchen
- 393
- 00:20:59,457 --> 00:21:01,726
- and let the cooks know before
- they start cooking dinner.
- 394
- 00:21:01,758 --> 00:21:03,862
- Almost all our food has nuts.
- 395
- 00:21:07,297 --> 00:21:09,166
- Hold on a second, hold on.
- 396
- 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,737
- So you trying to tell me
- that you're allergic to nuts?
- 397
- 00:21:12,769 --> 00:21:15,038
- And you want me
- to take all the nuts
- 398
- 00:21:15,072 --> 00:21:17,941
- out of all the food
- in the whole kitchen?
- 399
- 00:21:17,975 --> 00:21:20,512
- I mean, yeah,
- If that's possible.
- 400
- 00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:23,081
- I just got out of jail and
- I'd be happy to eat anything.
- 401
- 00:21:23,613 --> 00:21:25,083
- It just can't have nuts.
- 402
- 00:21:25,115 --> 00:21:26,950
- Yeah, sure!
- If I just got out of prison,
- 403
- 00:21:26,984 --> 00:21:30,222
- I'd be sick of eating nuts, too!
- 404
- 00:21:36,861 --> 00:21:38,530
- Hurry, boys!
- Train's a-comin!
- 405
- 00:21:44,235 --> 00:21:47,906
- Listen, I don t know how they do
- it in jail, but I can't change
- 406
- 00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:49,940
- the menu of
- an entire train car
- 407
- 00:21:49,973 --> 00:21:52,743
- just cause one jerk off's
- got a nut allergy!
- 408
- 00:21:52,776 --> 00:21:54,312
- I mean, do you have
- anything without nuts?
- 409
- 00:21:54,344 --> 00:21:55,412
- Yeah, actually.
- 410
- 00:21:55,446 --> 00:21:57,882
- No problem. I actually,
- I got a new recipe for ya,
- 411
- 00:21:57,914 --> 00:21:59,116
- it's called, uh,
- 412
- 00:21:59,150 --> 00:22:01,151
- your momma's
- fucking pussy juices!
- 413
- 00:22:03,019 --> 00:22:04,189
- You jail idiot!
- 414
- 00:22:13,698 --> 00:22:15,033
- What the hell
- is going on?
- 415
- 00:22:15,065 --> 00:22:15,900
- Whoa, man!
- 416
- 00:22:15,933 --> 00:22:17,067
- Must have hit
- the old rough tracks!
- 417
- 00:22:17,102 --> 00:22:20,205
- Seems like we're in for
- a dark Christmas in the dark!
- 418
- 00:22:23,074 --> 00:22:24,741
- What the heck
- is this?
- 419
- 00:22:24,775 --> 00:22:27,579
- I don't know!
- He don't look like one of our boys.
- 420
- 00:22:42,325 --> 00:22:44,629
- Hey, what's going on here?
- 421
- 00:22:44,661 --> 00:22:46,631
- Garbage train
- ran off the tracks.
- 422
- 00:22:46,663 --> 00:22:48,732
- Lots of people got
- buried in the trash
- 423
- 00:22:48,766 --> 00:22:50,034
- Went home to the Lord.
- 424
- 00:22:50,066 --> 00:22:52,135
- What? There weren't
- no garbage trains
- 425
- 00:22:52,169 --> 00:22:53,305
- coming through here.
- 426
- 00:22:54,705 --> 00:22:56,040
- Where are all the bodies?
- 427
- 00:22:56,073 --> 00:22:57,141
- Here!
- 428
- 00:23:05,815 --> 00:23:07,684
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, people!
- 429
- 00:23:07,718 --> 00:23:10,287
- Can't you see this
- violence is poisoning
- 430
- 00:23:10,321 --> 00:23:12,123
- our children's minds!
- 431
- 00:23:17,228 --> 00:23:20,297
- God has given
- us the engine.
- 432
- 00:23:20,331 --> 00:23:23,067
- All right, boys,
- we have four minutes and twenty seconds.
- 433
- 00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,703
- Let's move!
- 434
- 00:23:27,438 --> 00:23:29,907
- Everybody to the back
- of the train! On the double!
- 435
- 00:23:29,940 --> 00:23:31,409
- Don't make me
- ask twice!
- 436
- 00:23:48,459 --> 00:23:50,996
- Gotta tweet!
- Must tweet!
- 437
- 00:23:58,869 --> 00:24:01,205
- Gah! Ah! I have to tweet!
- 438
- 00:24:01,238 --> 00:24:04,875
- You gonna post this
- on the Internet, newsman?
- 439
- 00:24:04,909 --> 00:24:06,377
- Get the hell out of here!
- 440
- 00:24:06,410 --> 00:24:10,114
- Everybody play it smart and put
- the smart phones in the bag.
- 441
- 00:24:15,085 --> 00:24:17,320
- - Help!
- - Help.
- 442
- 00:24:17,353 --> 00:24:20,325
- Merry Christmas!
- Ho, ho!
- 443
- 00:24:21,357 --> 00:24:22,926
- Holy shit!
- 444
- 00:24:30,334 --> 00:24:31,402
- What the hell?
- 445
- 00:24:39,809 --> 00:24:41,979
- Looks like we got too
- many cooks in the kitchen.
- 446
- 00:24:42,346 --> 00:24:43,347
- Get on it.
- 447
- 00:24:47,151 --> 00:24:48,486
- How the heck
- did you do that?
- 448
- 00:24:48,518 --> 00:24:50,020
- And what was that thing?
- 449
- 00:24:50,054 --> 00:24:51,221
- It was a raccoon.
- 450
- 00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:52,790
- And this is
- just the beginning.
- 451
- 00:24:53,958 --> 00:24:54,993
- Get down!
- 452
- 00:25:01,832 --> 00:25:04,435
- Looks like too many
- chefs spoiled the soup.
- 453
- 00:25:04,468 --> 00:25:05,737
- We're all clear here.
- 454
- 00:25:07,872 --> 00:25:09,474
- Ranger Danger!
- 455
- 00:25:09,507 --> 00:25:11,174
- Merry Christmas.
- 456
- 00:25:11,208 --> 00:25:12,710
- Got ya a little present.
- 457
- 00:25:15,078 --> 00:25:16,413
- All right, let's move!
- 458
- 00:25:16,447 --> 00:25:18,850
- All aboard for the Lord.
- 459
- 00:25:27,892 --> 00:25:29,026
- <i>Instead of Santa Claus coming</i>
- 460
- 00:25:29,059 --> 00:25:30,894
- - <i>down the chimney to give you gifts</i>
- - What the...
- 461
- 00:25:30,929 --> 00:25:33,797
- <i>It's the government
- busting down your door to take your kids!</i>
- 462
- 00:25:33,831 --> 00:25:35,300
- <i>Ladies and gentlemen,
- wake up!</i>
- 463
- 00:25:43,173 --> 00:25:45,876
- How can the same shit
- happen to the same guy twice?
- 464
- 00:25:47,510 --> 00:25:51,915
- At least this time I know I bit
- off something I can choo-choo.
- 465
- 00:25:55,286 --> 00:25:57,087
- Oh, my God.
- 466
- 00:25:57,121 --> 00:25:58,922
- Ranger Rick Danger!
- 467
- 00:25:58,956 --> 00:26:01,392
- Merry Christmas,
- Agent Chunksworth.
- 468
- 00:26:01,424 --> 00:26:04,294
- Looks like you've just seen
- the ghost of Christmas Past.
- 469
- 00:26:04,327 --> 00:26:06,863
- Or should I say,
- summers past?
- 470
- 00:26:08,598 --> 00:26:11,135
- Shitsnakes, huh?
- 471
- 00:26:13,269 --> 00:26:14,838
- Agent Charlesworth.
- 472
- 00:26:14,872 --> 00:26:16,274
- Jones!
- 473
- 00:26:16,306 --> 00:26:19,810
- Looks like you've got yourself a
- little bit of a raccoon problem.
- 474
- 00:26:28,485 --> 00:26:29,887
- Make yourselves comfortable
- 475
- 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:30,988
- You want some music?
- 476
- 00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:32,289
- You guys like bands, right?
- 477
- 00:26:32,323 --> 00:26:33,925
- They said you were dead, Danger.
- 478
- 00:26:33,958 --> 00:26:35,959
- In fact, they said
- you all were dead.
- 479
- 00:26:37,193 --> 00:26:40,864
- As any good scientist knows,
- if no one sees a dead body,
- 480
- 00:26:40,898 --> 00:26:43,901
- then no one knows
- if that body is dead for real.
- 481
- 00:26:43,933 --> 00:26:45,402
- Isn't that what
- happened to you, too?
- 482
- 00:26:45,436 --> 00:26:46,337
- Now don't get me wrong,
- 483
- 00:26:46,371 --> 00:26:49,140
- we all got the shit
- scratched out of us.
- 484
- 00:26:49,172 --> 00:26:51,041
- But it wasn't nothing
- we couldn't handle.
- 485
- 00:26:51,075 --> 00:26:53,110
- We're not a bunch
- of pussy college kids!
- 486
- 00:26:53,142 --> 00:26:56,413
- I think it's great you got
- so rich and successful
- 487
- 00:26:56,447 --> 00:27:00,218
- training raccoons for the
- military, but I guess you forgot
- 488
- 00:27:00,250 --> 00:27:03,186
- there were a few more of us who
- knew the secrets of the campground.
- 489
- 00:27:03,219 --> 00:27:05,122
- I get to tell you
- that we know all about
- 490
- 00:27:05,154 --> 00:27:09,226
- the secret satellite operated
- by raccoons and that we want you
- 491
- 00:27:09,259 --> 00:27:12,462
- to give us the shriek command
- codes so we can steal it!
- 492
- 00:27:12,496 --> 00:27:13,998
- What? How did you know?
- 493
- 00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:15,966
- You military guys
- gotta stop leaving your secret
- 494
- 00:27:15,999 --> 00:27:17,969
- blueprints and files everywhere.
- 495
- 00:27:18,001 --> 00:27:21,238
- You never know who's gonna get
- their dirty lil' paws on 'em
- 496
- 00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:24,575
- Looks like they're
- all set up, Danger.
- 497
- 00:27:24,607 --> 00:27:26,844
- Great! Hold on just a second.
- 498
- 00:27:28,077 --> 00:27:29,646
- Merry Christmas Eve, folks.
- 499
- 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,917
- This is your main bad guy,
- Ranger Rick Danger speaking.
- 500
- 00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:35,353
- Welcome aboard
- the Holiday Express.
- 501
- 00:27:35,385 --> 00:27:38,922
- Or as I like to call it,
- Raccoon Railways.
- 502
- 00:27:38,956 --> 00:27:41,192
- <i>We will only
- be making express stops</i>
- 503
- 00:27:41,225 --> 00:27:44,362
- <i>and by express stops,
- I mean one.</i>
- 504
- 00:27:44,394 --> 00:27:46,196
- Ranger Rick Danger?
- 505
- 00:27:46,229 --> 00:27:48,298
- <i>You've been loaded
- onto the back of this train</i>
- 506
- 00:27:48,332 --> 00:27:50,601
- <i>for your own safety
- and have probably noticed</i>
- 507
- 00:27:50,633 --> 00:27:53,237
- <i>the adorable,
- but highly-deadly raccoons</i>
- 508
- 00:27:53,269 --> 00:27:55,238
- <i>with tiny wittle machine guns!</i>
- 509
- 00:27:55,271 --> 00:27:56,673
- <i>If you do anything
- they don't like,</i>
- 510
- 00:27:56,707 --> 00:27:59,010
- <i>they are ready,
- willing and able</i>
- 511
- 00:27:59,043 --> 00:28:01,145
- <i>to pull those
- tiny triggers and kill ya!</i>
- 512
- 00:28:01,178 --> 00:28:04,348
- <i>These little furballs
- are government trained killers</i>
- 513
- 00:28:04,381 --> 00:28:06,550
- <i>and we're all
- here for revenge.</i>
- 514
- 00:28:06,583 --> 00:28:08,386
- Revenge, huh?
- 515
- 00:28:08,419 --> 00:28:10,088
- Two can play
- at that game.
- 516
- 00:28:20,430 --> 00:28:23,366
- Now, how about those shriek
- command codes for PEN15?
- 517
- 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,603
- We'll never give you the shriek
- command codes, Danger!
- 518
- 00:28:25,635 --> 00:28:27,504
- And even if we did,
- how are you going
- 519
- 00:28:27,537 --> 00:28:29,306
- to translate them
- into raccoon sounds
- 520
- 00:28:29,340 --> 00:28:30,708
- without the voice
- modulation masks?
- 521
- 00:28:30,740 --> 00:28:32,242
- All those are locked away
- deep in a...
- 522
- 00:28:32,276 --> 00:28:34,978
- In a secret bunker just
- outside Independence?
- 523
- 00:28:35,011 --> 00:28:37,414
- We know all about it,
- Chumplesjunk.
- 524
- 00:28:41,084 --> 00:28:42,987
- Now, we know you'll do
- whatever it takes
- 525
- 00:28:43,019 --> 00:28:45,155
- to keep us from scooping out
- the love of your life's
- 526
- 00:28:45,189 --> 00:28:47,557
- cute lil' eyeball here
- with this hot spoon.
- 527
- 00:28:47,591 --> 00:28:50,161
- Now while this spoon
- appears to be harmless,
- 528
- 00:28:50,193 --> 00:28:52,195
- it's actually really super-hot!
- 529
- 00:28:52,228 --> 00:28:54,198
- And when we stick it
- up to your lady's face,
- 530
- 00:28:54,230 --> 00:28:55,365
- it's gonna hurt!
- 531
- 00:28:55,399 --> 00:28:56,700
- And then when
- we scoop out her eye,
- 532
- 00:28:56,734 --> 00:28:58,369
- she won't have
- no eye anymore!
- 533
- 00:28:58,401 --> 00:28:59,636
- Now won't that be fucked up?
- 534
- 00:28:59,670 --> 00:29:03,975
- A-B-C.
- 535
- 00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:08,546
- One, two, three.
- 536
- 00:29:11,047 --> 00:29:13,183
- Don't worry my love,
- he can't do anything
- 537
- 00:29:13,217 --> 00:29:14,352
- with the shriek command codes
- 538
- 00:29:14,384 --> 00:29:16,019
- without the voice
- modulation masks.
- 539
- 00:29:16,053 --> 00:29:18,488
- Oh, really? Then why
- is he doing all of this?
- 540
- 00:29:18,521 --> 00:29:20,490
- God, you are such
- a dumb set of dick and balls!
- 541
- 00:29:21,758 --> 00:29:22,660
- He doesn't even have a way
- 542
- 00:29:22,693 --> 00:29:24,261
- to get the codes
- to the PEN15 satellite.
- 543
- 00:29:24,295 --> 00:29:28,565
- They need to be entered into the bunker's
- transcoding system simultaneously.
- 544
- 00:29:28,598 --> 00:29:31,201
- For God's sake, Woman!
- Give him your code!
- 545
- 00:29:31,235 --> 00:29:34,604
- E-I-E-I-O.
- 546
- 00:29:43,413 --> 00:29:45,983
- Man, those are some
- dumb codes!
- 547
- 00:29:56,492 --> 00:29:59,095
- Yep, we've known
- all about your secret raccoon
- 548
- 00:29:59,129 --> 00:30:01,132
- space program
- for some time now.
- 549
- 00:30:01,164 --> 00:30:03,066
- Wasn't too hard to figure out.
- 550
- 00:30:03,100 --> 00:30:06,137
- We even stole some of your
- really cool satellite shit, too.
- 551
- 00:30:06,170 --> 00:30:09,239
- That satellite's a smaller version
- of the one you have in the bunker,
- 552
- 00:30:09,273 --> 00:30:12,343
- and as long as we're on this
- train, it'll work just fine.
- 553
- 00:30:26,789 --> 00:30:28,658
- So what are you
- doing now, prick?
- 554
- 00:30:28,691 --> 00:30:31,261
- Oh, I'm just hacking
- into the U.S. military's
- 555
- 00:30:31,295 --> 00:30:33,397
- top secret
- raccoon-controlled satellite.
- 556
- 00:30:33,430 --> 00:30:35,231
- Ha! That's not possible.
- 557
- 00:30:35,265 --> 00:30:37,700
- Oh, no?
- Skippy! Pippy!
- 558
- 00:30:39,670 --> 00:30:41,072
- You taught them English?
- 559
- 00:30:41,104 --> 00:30:42,506
- You gave them names?
- 560
- 00:30:42,538 --> 00:30:43,540
- .Yeah, it wasn't hard!
- 561
- 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,643
- .And here we go!
- 562
- 00:31:05,895 --> 00:31:07,230
- Shitsnakes.
- 563
- 00:31:21,178 --> 00:31:24,415
- Oh, baby, we're in!
- Daddy'd be so proud of me.
- 564
- 00:31:24,448 --> 00:31:26,717
- Oh, I forgot all about them.
- 565
- 00:31:28,285 --> 00:31:29,853
- Well, they've done
- a lot of hard work today.
- 566
- 00:31:29,886 --> 00:31:32,188
- We'll let them go home
- for the holidays.
- 567
- 00:31:32,221 --> 00:31:34,325
- - But you said...
- - Move it, Chester!
- 568
- 00:31:36,492 --> 00:31:38,428
- Jones, Billington, please!
- 569
- 00:31:38,461 --> 00:31:40,263
- You don't realize
- what you're doing!
- 570
- 00:31:40,296 --> 00:31:41,464
- We used to be colleagues!
- 571
- 00:31:41,498 --> 00:31:43,234
- We used to fight
- these raccoons together!
- 572
- 00:31:43,267 --> 00:31:45,768
- Those were the days
- before you sold out!
- 573
- 00:31:45,802 --> 00:31:47,738
- Oh, I'm dead for real now.
- 574
- 00:31:47,770 --> 00:31:49,373
- Right this way, m'lady!
- 575
- 00:31:49,405 --> 00:31:50,640
- Don't call me your lady.
- 576
- 00:31:50,673 --> 00:31:52,575
- That's the language
- of the patriarchy!
- 577
- 00:31:52,609 --> 00:31:54,879
- Would saying
- "ladies first" be sexist?
- 578
- 00:31:54,911 --> 00:31:56,380
- Yes, it would!
- 579
- 00:31:56,412 --> 00:31:57,448
- Okay, great
- 580
- 00:32:00,816 --> 00:32:02,152
- Ladies first!
- 581
- 00:32:04,787 --> 00:32:05,788
- Jesus!
- 582
- 00:32:05,823 --> 00:32:08,592
- While the rest of the world
- was going digital,
- 583
- 00:32:08,624 --> 00:32:12,228
- we made the PEN15
- work for us by analog.
- 584
- 00:32:12,261 --> 00:32:14,565
- You can put a bunch of
- shriek command codes on here,
- 585
- 00:32:14,597 --> 00:32:16,867
- or just a bunch
- of raccoon porn.
- 586
- 00:32:21,404 --> 00:32:22,940
- With all the satellite's
- operating data
- 587
- 00:32:22,972 --> 00:32:25,742
- stored on this VHS tape,
- no one can hack into our system.
- 588
- 00:32:25,776 --> 00:32:27,510
- Unless they've got
- two VCRs,
- 589
- 00:32:27,544 --> 00:32:28,813
- which is pretty fucking rare.
- 590
- 00:32:32,348 --> 00:32:33,616
- Oh, boy!
- 591
- 00:32:33,650 --> 00:32:34,919
- Looks like we got
- 592
- 00:32:34,951 --> 00:32:36,921
- some shriek command codes
- to blow some shit up!
- 593
- 00:32:36,953 --> 00:32:37,954
- Okay, Danger.
- 594
- 00:32:37,988 --> 00:32:40,290
- Ticklesturd and the woman
- are both dead for real,
- 595
- 00:32:40,324 --> 00:32:42,392
- got the hostages in
- the back of the train.
- 596
- 00:32:42,426 --> 00:32:43,727
- We better make
- sure these little fellas
- 597
- 00:32:43,759 --> 00:32:46,564
- have it under control.
- I don't want any boo-boos.
- 598
- 00:32:51,434 --> 00:32:52,536
- Okay, boys and girls.
- 599
- 00:32:52,568 --> 00:32:54,171
- Let's get it started in here!
- 600
- 00:33:03,814 --> 00:33:06,517
- What the freak is going on?
- 601
- 00:33:06,549 --> 00:33:07,951
- <i>PEN15 missing!</i>
- 602
- 00:33:07,985 --> 00:33:09,753
- <i>PEN15 can't be found!</i>
- 603
- 00:33:09,786 --> 00:33:11,788
- Tammy, get me
- a freaking report!
- 604
- 00:33:11,822 --> 00:33:14,458
- The space
- thingy's gone bye-bye!
- 605
- 00:33:14,490 --> 00:33:15,992
- What do you mean?
- What bye-bye?
- 606
- 00:33:16,026 --> 00:33:17,961
- PEN15!
- 607
- 00:33:17,995 --> 00:33:19,162
- Bring it up on the screen.
- 608
- 00:33:19,196 --> 00:33:21,665
- We can't! It's like somebody
- stole it or something!
- 609
- 00:33:21,698 --> 00:33:25,002
- Oh, goddamnit! We were
- almost out of here for the holidays!
- 610
- 00:33:25,035 --> 00:33:25,936
- Okay, here's
- what we do.
- 611
- 00:33:25,969 --> 00:33:27,770
- We're going to go
- to Code Crazy status,
- 612
- 00:33:27,804 --> 00:33:30,341
- we re gonna call Tom Puncher,
- Agent Charlesworth
- 613
- 00:33:30,373 --> 00:33:31,909
- and Agent Woman
- as soon as possible.
- 614
- 00:33:31,941 --> 00:33:32,977
- Yes, sir!
- 615
- 00:33:33,009 --> 00:33:34,511
- Mr. Jones, Dr. Billington
- 616
- 00:33:34,545 --> 00:33:38,748
- The military's top secret raccoon-controlled
- satellite belongs to us now.
- 617
- 00:33:52,763 --> 00:33:54,732
- Oh, God!
- 618
- 00:33:54,765 --> 00:33:55,800
- Come on, get in there!
- 619
- 00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,036
- Oh, man! I thought
- you were one of those
- 620
- 00:33:59,068 --> 00:34:00,870
- ugly beavers man,
- with the guns!
- 621
- 00:34:00,903 --> 00:34:02,006
- What are you doing
- out there?
- 622
- 00:34:02,038 --> 00:34:04,575
- Oh, you know...
- 623
- 00:34:04,607 --> 00:34:05,475
- ...just hanging out.
- 624
- 00:34:05,508 --> 00:34:07,411
- - What's behind that door?
- - No, wait, wait!
- 625
- 00:34:07,443 --> 00:34:09,680
- There's a bunch of those rodents out
- there, man! Don t open it!
- 626
- 00:34:09,712 --> 00:34:11,448
- What, are you trying to
- become otter food or something?
- 627
- 00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,517
- They're not otters,
- they're not beavers.
- 628
- 00:34:13,549 --> 00:34:15,852
- They're raccoons.
- And they're smart ones.
- 629
- 00:34:15,886 --> 00:34:17,255
- Hold on.
- How do you know that?
- 630
- 00:34:18,020 --> 00:34:19,723
- Story of my life.
- 631
- 00:34:19,756 --> 00:34:22,826
- Do we have all our rich foreign
- clients online yet, Mr. Jones?
- 632
- 00:34:22,859 --> 00:34:26,864
- Yep! We got Iran, Russia
- and North Korea now on the line.
- 633
- 00:34:28,364 --> 00:34:29,632
- Gentlemen, how are ya?
- 634
- 00:34:29,665 --> 00:34:32,035
- Riding camels,
- drinking vodka and me so horny?
- 635
- 00:34:32,069 --> 00:34:34,538
- No, but seriously folks,
- I'm going to show you what the U.S.
- 636
- 00:34:34,571 --> 00:34:35,806
- military's been hiding from ya.
- 637
- 00:34:35,839 --> 00:34:38,942
- I know many of you have a hard
- time understanding the concept
- 638
- 00:34:38,975 --> 00:34:41,078
- of a high-powered,
- raccoon-operated satellite
- 639
- 00:34:41,111 --> 00:34:43,080
- and let's face it,
- who the fuck can blame ya?
- 640
- 00:34:43,113 --> 00:34:46,450
- But do me a favor and keep a
- close eye on the city of Cannes
- 641
- 00:34:46,482 --> 00:34:47,917
- for the next few minutes.
- 642
- 00:34:49,886 --> 00:34:51,455
- What the hell is going on?
- 643
- 00:34:51,488 --> 00:34:52,756
- Oh, hey there Tom.
- Nothing.
- 644
- 00:34:52,788 --> 00:34:54,591
- We're locked out of the system
- for the moment.
- 645
- 00:34:54,623 --> 00:34:55,892
- I thought we
- were the system!
- 646
- 00:34:55,926 --> 00:34:58,629
- Anything from Agent Charlesworth
- or Agent Woman yet?
- 647
- 00:34:58,661 --> 00:34:59,763
- Negative, sir.
- 648
- 00:34:59,796 --> 00:35:01,332
- Now this is
- where it gets fun.
- 649
- 00:35:01,364 --> 00:35:03,433
- Jones, you ever been to France?
- 650
- 00:35:03,466 --> 00:35:06,469
- Nah, I always heard it was
- a bunch of liberal pussies!
- 651
- 00:35:06,502 --> 00:35:09,006
- Well, you wouldn't be wrong,
- but it's also full of a bunch of
- 652
- 00:35:09,038 --> 00:35:10,807
- wine-addicted people
- who are gonna have to
- 653
- 00:35:10,841 --> 00:35:12,042
- get a whole lot drunker
- this Christmas
- 654
- 00:35:12,075 --> 00:35:14,745
- when their prize film city
- gets blown away
- 655
- 00:35:14,777 --> 00:35:17,413
- with a raccoon operated
- laser satellite!
- 656
- 00:35:17,446 --> 00:35:19,015
- Look, man,
- I can't die here, okay?
- 657
- 00:35:19,049 --> 00:35:21,352
- I'm sick and tired of
- these motherfucking coons
- 658
- 00:35:21,384 --> 00:35:22,819
- on this motherfucking train!
- 659
- 00:35:24,488 --> 00:35:25,788
- You mean raccoons, right?
- 660
- 00:35:25,821 --> 00:35:27,357
- Of course!
- What else would I mean?
- 661
- 00:35:27,390 --> 00:35:29,559
- Double A! You're not
- going to die on this train!
- 662
- 00:35:29,593 --> 00:35:30,895
- Trust me, I was once like you.
- 663
- 00:35:30,928 --> 00:35:34,364
- I lost the girl I loved and my
- best friend to these raccoons,
- 664
- 00:35:34,397 --> 00:35:36,733
- but I grew up,
- I fought back and I won.
- 665
- 00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:39,102
- And if I can do it,
- you can, too.
- 666
- 00:35:39,136 --> 00:35:41,772
- Now, is there some way
- to contact the outside world
- 667
- 00:35:41,805 --> 00:35:43,940
- on this train?
- Like a pay phone?
- 668
- 00:35:43,973 --> 00:35:47,678
- Uh, pay phone? You know we could
- just try to get my smart phone.
- 669
- 00:35:47,710 --> 00:35:48,645
- I mean,
- they took everything else,
- 670
- 00:35:48,678 --> 00:35:50,646
- but mine's in my bag
- in the passenger car.
- 671
- 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:51,915
- I'm sorry,
- a what phone?
- 672
- 00:35:51,948 --> 00:35:53,583
- A smart phone?
- 673
- 00:35:53,616 --> 00:35:56,053
- I mean, it's one of the most important
- pieces of technology in the last ten years?
- 674
- 00:35:56,819 --> 00:35:57,720
- Oh, right
- 675
- 00:35:57,754 --> 00:35:59,655
- You've been in jail
- the last ten years.
- 676
- 00:36:02,993 --> 00:36:04,194
- Now watch this, Jones.
- 677
- 00:36:04,227 --> 00:36:07,663
- I'm about to turn Cannes into
- "Can't be found on the map!"
- 678
- 00:36:09,732 --> 00:36:11,901
- Because it's about
- to drop into the sea.
- 679
- 00:36:11,935 --> 00:36:15,471
- Yeah, I got it.
- That's a good one.
- 680
- 00:36:15,504 --> 00:36:16,839
- Skippy! Pippy! Do it!
- 681
- 00:36:24,948 --> 00:36:26,517
- There it is!
- We got it back!
- 682
- 00:36:26,549 --> 00:36:27,850
- Oh, thank Christ.
- 683
- 00:36:27,884 --> 00:36:29,387
- I'm going back
- to the whorehouse.
- 684
- 00:36:33,656 --> 00:36:35,491
- What the freak?
- 685
- 00:36:35,524 --> 00:36:37,827
- Okay, so after I'm able
- to use the tiny keyboard
- 686
- 00:36:37,861 --> 00:36:40,998
- on the "smart phone," I'll be
- able to find social media?
- 687
- 00:36:41,031 --> 00:36:43,600
- Yeah, man. But look, never try to type
- while driving. You know what I'm saying?
- 688
- 00:36:43,632 --> 00:36:46,002
- That's partly why I hit a
- raccoon ten years ago with my car
- 689
- 00:36:46,035 --> 00:36:48,104
- - and ended up in jail!
- - Wait a minute
- 690
- 00:36:48,138 --> 00:36:49,506
- We do know each other!
- 691
- 00:36:49,538 --> 00:36:51,507
- I got arrested that same
- night in Independence!
- 692
- 00:36:51,540 --> 00:36:52,942
- Oh, my God.
- 693
- 00:36:52,975 --> 00:36:55,578
- You hit the momma raccoon
- that night and saved us.
- 694
- 00:36:55,611 --> 00:36:57,780
- You do know
- how to fight these raccoons.
- 695
- 00:36:57,814 --> 00:37:00,216
- But this time,
- we're not going to jail for it.
- 696
- 00:37:00,250 --> 00:37:02,018
- This time,
- we're gonna win.
- 697
- 00:37:02,051 --> 00:37:04,954
- Destroyed buildings,
- burning baguettes,
- 698
- 00:37:04,988 --> 00:37:07,024
- thousands of rolls
- of film on fire.
- 699
- 00:37:07,056 --> 00:37:09,692
- France is about to look
- like a World War II movie.
- 700
- 00:37:09,725 --> 00:37:11,727
- It's processing
- the shriek command codes!
- 701
- 00:37:11,761 --> 00:37:14,198
- I can't make it
- go offey!
- 702
- 00:37:14,230 --> 00:37:16,200
- My God, they're
- targeting Cannes!
- 703
- 00:37:22,739 --> 00:37:25,108
- It's going
- into arming mode!
- 704
- 00:37:25,140 --> 00:37:26,709
- Shut it off,
- goddammit!
- 705
- 00:37:26,743 --> 00:37:29,078
- They left me for dead,
- threw me to the raccoons,
- 706
- 00:37:29,111 --> 00:37:31,714
- said I couldn't fill
- my daddy's shoes!
- 707
- 00:37:31,747 --> 00:37:33,950
- They're activating a
- full scale seismic blast!
- 708
- 00:37:33,984 --> 00:37:35,853
- Freaking shut it down!
- 709
- 00:37:38,922 --> 00:37:41,058
- The abort shriek commands
- aren't going through!
- 710
- 00:37:41,091 --> 00:37:43,893
- No one's gonna laugh at the name
- Ranger Rick Danger this year,
- 711
- 00:37:43,926 --> 00:37:45,195
- or ever again!
- 712
- 00:38:00,009 --> 00:38:02,645
- Shitsnakes?
- What does that even mean?
- 713
- 00:38:02,678 --> 00:38:04,947
- That's something Ranger
- Rick Danger used to say.
- 714
- 00:38:04,980 --> 00:38:07,850
- Call General Apathy at the
- Pentagon as soon as possible.
- 715
- 00:38:07,884 --> 00:38:10,521
- Actually, General Apathy is in
- Independence this weekend.
- 716
- 00:38:11,321 --> 00:38:13,556
- He was here
- for the holidays.
- 717
- 00:38:13,589 --> 00:38:16,125
- Tell him Santa Claus
- is stuck in a freaking chimney.
- 718
- 00:38:17,127 --> 00:38:19,863
- Now, gentlemen, as you can see,
- our high powered,
- 719
- 00:38:19,895 --> 00:38:23,299
- raccoon-operated
- satellite is fully operational.
- 720
- 00:38:37,781 --> 00:38:39,983
- Now that was just a
- little present for Christmas Eve.
- 721
- 00:38:40,015 --> 00:38:42,184
- Our big old gift
- under a Christmas tree
- 722
- 00:38:42,218 --> 00:38:44,187
- is called the Denver
- International Airport,
- 723
- 00:38:44,219 --> 00:38:47,256
- where the U.S. government built
- a top secret military bunker
- 724
- 00:38:47,290 --> 00:38:49,259
- that they won't even
- tell their citizens about!
- 725
- 00:38:49,292 --> 00:38:51,929
- With the PEN15,
- we can take out the bunker,
- 726
- 00:38:51,962 --> 00:38:56,333
- split the Rocky Mountains in two and
- divide the United States forever.
- 727
- 00:38:56,366 --> 00:38:59,102
- The fee for this
- convenient empire removal?
- 728
- 00:38:59,134 --> 00:39:01,203
- One gazillion dollars!
- 729
- 00:39:01,236 --> 00:39:04,073
- One gazillion dollars?
- 730
- 00:39:05,808 --> 00:39:07,577
- I just, I just made up
- a number, I...
- 731
- 00:39:08,712 --> 00:39:10,113
- Ah, shit.
- 732
- 00:39:10,145 --> 00:39:12,682
- What the hell is all this?
- 733
- 00:39:12,716 --> 00:39:13,917
- I don't know, General.
- 734
- 00:39:13,950 --> 00:39:15,819
- And I bet Congress
- doesn't know either.
- 735
- 00:39:15,852 --> 00:39:18,254
- Generals! Thanks
- so much for coming.
- 736
- 00:39:18,288 --> 00:39:20,257
- Uh, and happy holidays.
- 737
- 00:39:20,290 --> 00:39:22,125
- Shut up, Mr. Secretary.
- 738
- 00:39:22,158 --> 00:39:24,261
- What's really going
- on around here?
- 739
- 00:39:24,294 --> 00:39:25,696
- And don't tell
- me it's one of those
- 740
- 00:39:25,728 --> 00:39:27,997
- food stamp phone
- bank deals either.
- 741
- 00:39:28,031 --> 00:39:30,233
- That's a funny one, sir.
- 742
- 00:39:30,265 --> 00:39:32,234
- Okay, bring up
- the data images.
- 743
- 00:39:32,268 --> 00:39:35,172
- So, sir, what we're looking at
- up here is PEN15,
- 744
- 00:39:35,205 --> 00:39:38,141
- a brand new, recently
- launched laser satellite
- 745
- 00:39:38,174 --> 00:39:40,811
- that's part of our
- raccoon weapons program.
- 746
- 00:39:40,843 --> 00:39:42,278
- It's operated by raccoons
- 747
- 00:39:42,312 --> 00:39:46,016
- and can only be communicated
- with via raccoon sounds.
- 748
- 00:39:46,049 --> 00:39:49,018
- I've seen bigger, but what
- the hell does this thing do?
- 749
- 00:39:49,051 --> 00:39:51,254
- It's fancy
- Pentagon speech, General.
- 750
- 00:39:51,286 --> 00:39:53,390
- It's one of those
- Tesla earthquake machines.
- 751
- 00:39:53,422 --> 00:39:54,924
- I thought they canned it,
- 752
- 00:39:54,957 --> 00:39:58,127
- but those clowns got funding through
- the Secretary's dumb raccoon program.
- 753
- 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,262
- I thought we shut that down!
- 754
- 00:40:00,296 --> 00:40:02,131
- The CIA financed the project.
- 755
- 00:40:02,165 --> 00:40:04,067
- What? You're telling me
- 756
- 00:40:04,100 --> 00:40:07,871
- that your raccoon weapons
- program went into space?
- 757
- 00:40:07,904 --> 00:40:09,506
- So, General,
- here's the problem.
- 758
- 00:40:09,538 --> 00:40:14,076
- The raccoons at the moment are being controlled
- by somebody else and we can't stop it.
- 759
- 00:40:14,109 --> 00:40:16,646
- My God. The earthquake
- that hit Cannes?
- 760
- 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,950
- We already have a disinformation
- campaign in full swing, General.
- 761
- 00:40:19,982 --> 00:40:21,283
- We're blaming it
- on fracking.
- 762
- 00:40:21,317 --> 00:40:24,286
- Fracking? What
- the frack is fracking?
- 763
- 00:40:24,319 --> 00:40:27,323
- I guess that's what we should
- expect from the CIA these days!
- 764
- 00:40:27,357 --> 00:40:30,427
- Okay, we are now going
- into Code Lunacy status, folks.
- 765
- 00:40:30,460 --> 00:40:33,664
- So let's find this
- raccoon satellite now!
- 766
- 00:41:10,100 --> 00:41:12,268
- Jesus, this keyboard
- is tiny.
- 767
- 00:41:22,145 --> 00:41:24,014
- Did someone leave
- a smartphone on back there?
- 768
- 00:41:24,047 --> 00:41:25,882
- Why don't you furballs go
- in there and it check out!
- 769
- 00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:05,355
- Oh, I should
- probably be careful
- 770
- 00:42:05,388 --> 00:42:06,790
- wearing a hoodie
- around here.
- 771
- 00:42:19,102 --> 00:42:21,270
- Say there Billy boy,
- will you go check on
- 772
- 00:42:21,303 --> 00:42:23,973
- the lil' guy I sent
- back to the sleeping car?
- 773
- 00:42:24,006 --> 00:42:26,175
- He might need
- a lil' human help.
- 774
- 00:42:26,542 --> 00:42:27,977
- Sure thing.
- 775
- 00:42:37,553 --> 00:42:40,556
- Okay, Danger, looks like they're
- ready to call the bunker.
- 776
- 00:42:40,589 --> 00:42:43,893
- Fuck, yeah! Time to say Merry
- Christmas to the Mayor, boys.
- 777
- 00:42:46,196 --> 00:42:49,366
- Oh, man! Where'd you get
- that tiny machine gun?
- 778
- 00:42:49,399 --> 00:42:50,801
- From a little friend.
- 779
- 00:42:50,834 --> 00:42:51,902
- Did you find
- any weapons?
- 780
- 00:42:51,935 --> 00:42:54,070
- Naw, man, I just found
- this hoodie and a sandwich.
- 781
- 00:42:54,102 --> 00:42:55,371
- And I ate the sandwich.
- 782
- 00:42:55,404 --> 00:42:57,339
- Hey, any luck
- with my smartphone?
- 783
- 00:42:57,372 --> 00:43:01,477
- It wasn't easy, but if I was
- able to use that tiny keyboard
- 784
- 00:43:01,511 --> 00:43:03,781
- then you can use
- this tiny machine gun.
- 785
- 00:43:10,853 --> 00:43:12,122
- Hold it like that
- 786
- 00:43:12,156 --> 00:43:13,190
- You might need to pull the
- trigger with your pinky finger.
- 787
- 00:43:13,223 --> 00:43:15,793
- Aw, come on, man,
- my fingers aren't that chubby.
- 788
- 00:43:23,165 --> 00:43:24,301
- Something's afoot!
- 789
- 00:43:25,067 --> 00:43:26,569
- <i>What's up?</i>
- 790
- 00:43:26,602 --> 00:43:27,970
- <i>How are you?</i>
- 791
- 00:43:28,971 --> 00:43:30,272
- Now, who the hell
- is that?
- 792
- 00:43:30,306 --> 00:43:32,843
- My God, that's
- Ranger Rick Danger!
- 793
- 00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:36,011
- <i>Well, technically not a Ranger
- anymore, Mr. Mayor,</i>
- 794
- 00:43:36,044 --> 00:43:40,382
- <i>or should I say Mr. Secretary,
- since you fired me ten years ago</i>
- 795
- 00:43:40,415 --> 00:43:41,884
- <i>and tossed me away.</i>
- 796
- 00:43:41,917 --> 00:43:43,953
- As you can see,
- I've survived
- 797
- 00:43:43,986 --> 00:43:47,323
- and taken the time to learn all the
- neat weapons you left on the campground,
- 798
- 00:43:47,357 --> 00:43:49,092
- including the raccoons!
- 799
- 00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:51,261
- And at this point,
- you're probably wondering
- 800
- 00:43:51,294 --> 00:43:53,864
- how we took control
- of the PEN15!
- 801
- 00:43:53,897 --> 00:43:56,433
- <i>I wish Agent Chumpleshirt
- and his lady friend</i>
- 802
- 00:43:56,466 --> 00:43:57,933
- <i>could tell you all about it,</i>
- 803
- 00:43:57,966 --> 00:44:00,336
- <i>but unfortunately,
- they're dead for real now.</i>
- 804
- 00:44:00,370 --> 00:44:01,404
- Come on!
- 805
- 00:44:01,437 --> 00:44:04,241
- I'm knobbing
- as fast I can!
- 806
- 00:44:04,274 --> 00:44:07,277
- <i>And since you guys probably
- know where PEN15 fired from,</i>
- 807
- 00:44:07,310 --> 00:44:09,379
- <i>you think you're
- gonna find it real soon.</i>
- 808
- 00:44:09,411 --> 00:44:10,613
- Jones!
- 809
- 00:44:10,647 --> 00:44:13,415
- That little furball we sent to
- the sleeping car is missing!
- 810
- 00:44:13,448 --> 00:44:15,551
- Missing?
- Where'd he go?
- 811
- 00:44:15,585 --> 00:44:18,455
- I don't know! I don't have
- the slightest idea!
- 812
- 00:44:18,488 --> 00:44:22,192
- As you can see by
- PEN15's little demo today,
- 813
- 00:44:22,225 --> 00:44:26,096
- your high-powered raccoon-operated
- satellite works like a dream.
- 814
- 00:44:26,129 --> 00:44:29,598
- <i>And now I'm going to use it and
- make it work like a nightmare.</i>
- 815
- 00:44:29,631 --> 00:44:32,468
- <i>In 40 minutes,
- when the PEN15 is in place,</i>
- 816
- 00:44:32,502 --> 00:44:38,007
- <i>I'm gonna use it to hit Denver
- with a 9,999 percent blast!</i>
- 817
- 00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,009
- <i>Y'all like blasts, right?</i>
- 818
- 00:44:40,042 --> 00:44:42,077
- <i>Well, I'm going to use it
- to blow up the secret bunker</i>
- 819
- 00:44:42,111 --> 00:44:44,647
- <i>you say isn't
- under the Denver airport.</i>
- 820
- 00:44:47,015 --> 00:44:48,350
- Son of a bitch!
- 821
- 00:44:48,384 --> 00:44:51,521
- <i>There'll be destruction,
- desolation and dang it!</i>
- 822
- 00:44:51,553 --> 00:44:53,589
- <i>They'll have
- to redo all the maps.</i>
- 823
- 00:44:53,622 --> 00:44:56,225
- <i>And you thought
- the country was divided now.</i>
- 824
- 00:44:56,259 --> 00:44:57,560
- <i>Oh, and one more thing.</i>
- 825
- 00:44:57,593 --> 00:44:59,462
- <i>I was always a pretty
- sweet Ranger.</i>
- 826
- 00:44:59,495 --> 00:45:01,230
- <i>And my daddy
- was a good Ranger, too.</i>
- 827
- 00:45:01,263 --> 00:45:03,999
- <i>And when the raccoons
- took over the campground,</i>
- 828
- 00:45:04,033 --> 00:45:06,368
- <i>you didn't give me what I
- needed to take care of them.</i>
- 829
- 00:45:06,402 --> 00:45:08,238
- <i>You betrayed me,
- Mr. Mayor.</i>
- 830
- 00:45:08,270 --> 00:45:09,339
- <i>You betrayed your country,</i>
- 831
- 00:45:09,372 --> 00:45:13,243
- <i>and now the raccoons
- are coming home to roost.</i>
- 832
- 00:45:13,276 --> 00:45:14,511
- <i>Until we meet again.</i>
- 833
- 00:45:14,544 --> 00:45:15,978
- <i>Assholes!</i>
- 834
- 00:45:16,011 --> 00:45:17,479
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- 835
- 00:45:17,513 --> 00:45:20,049
- Can somebody tell me
- what <i>"dos vidaniya"</i> means?
- 836
- 00:45:22,352 --> 00:45:24,386
- - Where do you think he went?
- - I don t know!
- 837
- 00:45:24,419 --> 00:45:25,654
- I'll go
- check the kitchen.
- 838
- 00:45:25,687 --> 00:45:27,589
- Can somebody
- please let me know
- 839
- 00:45:27,622 --> 00:45:32,227
- if we can track down this Danger
- guy before he blows up Denver?
- 840
- 00:45:32,261 --> 00:45:34,096
- Maybe we should
- check the Moscow airport.
- 841
- 00:45:34,129 --> 00:45:36,966
- Well, sir, the fact of the
- matter is we have to look through
- 842
- 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,703
- the entire Earth's
- atmosphere to find this thing.
- 843
- 00:45:39,736 --> 00:45:41,004
- It's going to be tough.
- 844
- 00:45:41,036 --> 00:45:44,040
- Maybe we could
- find it in the sky!
- 845
- 00:45:44,073 --> 00:45:46,442
- What? What are you
- talking about?
- 846
- 00:45:46,475 --> 00:45:50,312
- I mean, the satellite thingy's
- in the sky
- 847
- 00:45:50,346 --> 00:45:54,417
- and then we should
- probably be looking in the sky,
- 848
- 00:45:54,450 --> 00:45:58,620
- cause that's where
- the satellite thingy was,
- 849
- 00:45:58,654 --> 00:46:00,090
- you know?
- 850
- 00:46:00,122 --> 00:46:01,256
- Oh, okay.
- 851
- 00:46:01,290 --> 00:46:02,625
- Sounds good,
- I buy it.
- 852
- 00:46:02,658 --> 00:46:03,960
- So where should we go?
- 853
- 00:46:03,993 --> 00:46:06,395
- I need to get to the front of this
- train and see if I can stop it.
- 854
- 00:46:06,428 --> 00:46:08,397
- You harness that
- energy you had ten years ago
- 855
- 00:46:08,431 --> 00:46:09,666
- when you hit that
- momma raccoon.
- 856
- 00:46:09,698 --> 00:46:10,967
- I know you can do it!
- 857
- 00:46:15,071 --> 00:46:16,773
- You know
- what this is?
- 858
- 00:46:16,806 --> 00:46:18,708
- This is what my
- friend Casey gave me.
- 859
- 00:46:18,741 --> 00:46:21,143
- He said he killed
- the raccoon himself.
- 860
- 00:46:21,176 --> 00:46:24,513
- That's right. I remember him
- saying something about that.
- 861
- 00:46:24,547 --> 00:46:25,648
- I thought he was crazy,
- 862
- 00:46:25,681 --> 00:46:27,417
- but maybe he was
- on to something.
- 863
- 00:46:27,450 --> 00:46:30,687
- Exactly! He can
- fight these raccoons,
- 864
- 00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:32,522
- no matter
- how cute they seem.
- 865
- 00:46:46,669 --> 00:46:51,274
- Boys, it looks like there might
- be a surprise in Santa's sack.
- 866
- 00:46:51,306 --> 00:46:53,343
- Fellas, let's do
- a double check.
- 867
- 00:47:10,125 --> 00:47:11,660
- Fireworks and Wet Naps?
- 868
- 00:47:18,734 --> 00:47:20,303
- We find anything yet?
- 869
- 00:47:21,571 --> 00:47:23,406
- Checking now.
- 870
- 00:47:26,808 --> 00:47:29,478
- The Lord has blessed
- us with clearance up here.
- 871
- 00:47:29,511 --> 00:47:31,647
- Did you check the
- whole goddamn thing?
- 872
- 00:47:31,681 --> 00:47:34,584
- Oh, my! I wish he wouldn't
- use language like that.
- 873
- 00:47:34,616 --> 00:47:36,585
- Will one of you boys
- go check back there?
- 874
- 00:47:45,594 --> 00:47:47,230
- God! He's up here
- in the engine!
- 875
- 00:47:55,805 --> 00:47:57,806
- Jones, we're getting
- hit hard up here!
- 876
- 00:47:57,839 --> 00:48:00,477
- Goddamn!
- I'm on my way.
- 877
- 00:48:03,411 --> 00:48:05,348
- God has nothing
- to do with this.
- 878
- 00:48:20,529 --> 00:48:23,600
- Any day now, gentlemen.
- This is most unpleasant.
- 879
- 00:48:26,736 --> 00:48:28,105
- Come on, Doc!
- 880
- 00:48:53,395 --> 00:48:54,631
- Oh, yeah.
- Pippy got him!
- 881
- 00:48:54,663 --> 00:48:56,332
- Motherfucker
- fell under the engine!
- 882
- 00:48:56,364 --> 00:48:57,801
- Check the wheels!
- 883
- 00:49:00,969 --> 00:49:02,805
- She got him.
- 884
- 00:49:02,837 --> 00:49:06,509
- Danger, our stowaway
- has been exterminated.
- 885
- 00:49:07,442 --> 00:49:08,777
- <i>You sure, Jones?</i>
- 886
- 00:49:08,810 --> 00:49:10,779
- <i>Doc says he went
- under the wheels.</i>
- 887
- 00:49:10,812 --> 00:49:13,450
- <i>By now, the bastard's
- reindeer meat.</i>
- 888
- 00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:19,689
- Goddamn.
- 889
- 00:49:19,721 --> 00:49:21,457
- That was
- fucking frustrating.
- 890
- 00:49:21,489 --> 00:49:23,426
- Whoever that brave
- motherfucker is,
- 891
- 00:49:23,459 --> 00:49:25,495
- he just took out a bunch
- of our best raccoons.
- 892
- 00:49:25,527 --> 00:49:26,763
- All right, come on.
- 893
- 00:49:35,738 --> 00:49:39,542
- Jones, I thought you said you trained
- these raccoons to be killing machines.
- 894
- 00:49:39,575 --> 00:49:41,977
- I trained these furballs
- to be computer geniuses
- 895
- 00:49:42,011 --> 00:49:43,446
- and they're doing
- a great fucking job.
- 896
- 00:49:43,478 --> 00:49:46,815
- They do pretty good against people
- who never fought raccoons before,
- 897
- 00:49:46,848 --> 00:49:49,718
- but it's like this guy
- has actually fought raccoons.
- 898
- 00:49:49,752 --> 00:49:52,555
- But where? And when?
- 899
- 00:49:52,587 --> 00:49:55,658
- And what the goddamn hell
- was he doing on this train?
- 900
- 00:49:55,690 --> 00:49:58,428
- Jones was a pest
- removal expert and avid hunter
- 901
- 00:49:58,460 --> 00:50:00,763
- from Independence whose
- body was also never found.
- 902
- 00:50:00,796 --> 00:50:02,665
- He had inside knowledge
- of the campground
- 903
- 00:50:02,698 --> 00:50:03,933
- and knew how to handle
- any weapon.
- 904
- 00:50:03,966 --> 00:50:07,536
- Well, as usual, General, the CIA
- isn't giving you the full story.
- 905
- 00:50:07,569 --> 00:50:09,372
- In addition to
- Jones and Danger
- 906
- 00:50:09,404 --> 00:50:12,374
- and the now-probably-
- dead-for-real Agent Charlesworth,
- 907
- 00:50:12,408 --> 00:50:14,576
- the other experts
- at Raccoon Creek ten years ago
- 908
- 00:50:14,609 --> 00:50:17,879
- were the local pastor,
- Reverend Pookie and Dr. Billington
- 909
- 00:50:17,913 --> 00:50:19,382
- from the campground's clinic.
- 910
- 00:50:19,415 --> 00:50:21,317
- Their bodies
- were also never found.
- 911
- 00:50:21,350 --> 00:50:22,785
- Well sure, everybody knows
- 912
- 00:50:22,817 --> 00:50:24,653
- a number of the victims
- were never found,
- 913
- 00:50:24,687 --> 00:50:26,656
- but that was all part of
- the cover up, right?
- 914
- 00:50:26,689 --> 00:50:28,991
- We have to make sure that nobody
- found out about this stuff.
- 915
- 00:50:29,024 --> 00:50:30,859
- Oh. Right, Mr. Secretary.
- 916
- 00:50:30,893 --> 00:50:33,329
- And your secret raccoon
- weapons program
- 917
- 00:50:33,361 --> 00:50:36,331
- has been fucking everything
- up for everybody ever since!.
- 918
- 00:50:36,364 --> 00:50:37,667
- And your point?
- 919
- 00:50:37,700 --> 00:50:39,502
- Jesus, get outta here,
- will ya?
- 920
- 00:50:41,370 --> 00:50:43,573
- If these guys were hanging around
- Raccoon Creek the last ten years,
- 921
- 00:50:43,605 --> 00:50:45,007
- they probably know
- everything we've been doing.
- 922
- 00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,477
- They know the campground
- better than anybody
- 923
- 00:50:47,509 --> 00:50:48,578
- and they probably
- have chips on their shoulders.
- 924
- 00:50:51,013 --> 00:50:52,748
- A phone charger?
- 925
- 00:50:57,687 --> 00:50:59,455
- Goddamn!
- 926
- 00:51:01,556 --> 00:51:03,058
- Oh, man, you're hit!
- 927
- 00:51:03,091 --> 00:51:04,559
- You think this
- is getting hit?
- 928
- 00:51:04,593 --> 00:51:05,661
- This ain't getting hit.
- 929
- 00:51:05,694 --> 00:51:08,464
- Those bullets are so tiny,
- I honestly have no idea
- 930
- 00:51:08,497 --> 00:51:09,765
- how so many
- people have died.
- 931
- 00:51:13,669 --> 00:51:16,406
- Looks like I need
- a password for access.
- 932
- 00:51:16,439 --> 00:51:18,375
- I'll just try to crack
- a few programs.
- 933
- 00:51:19,542 --> 00:51:20,910
- Now, let's see
- what we've got.
- 934
- 00:51:20,942 --> 00:51:24,046
- Oh, looks like one of the
- porters from the train.
- 935
- 00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:26,582
- Looks like he accessed
- his social media account
- 936
- 00:51:26,614 --> 00:51:27,917
- off of some wifi in the area
- 937
- 00:51:27,950 --> 00:51:31,520
- and he sent a message...
- to my old deputy.
- 938
- 00:51:31,986 --> 00:51:33,321
- Shane?
- 939
- 00:51:33,355 --> 00:51:36,959
- And we're gonna need turkey and
- B-sprouts for Christmas dinner.
- 940
- 00:51:36,991 --> 00:51:39,661
- And get fruit. I love fruit!
- 941
- 00:51:39,694 --> 00:51:40,830
- But not that kind of fruit.
- 942
- 00:51:43,565 --> 00:51:46,835
- I think we're about there,
- deep in the Appalachians.
- 943
- 00:51:46,868 --> 00:51:49,504
- Shit, we're in for a dark
- Christmas in the dark.
- 944
- 00:51:49,538 --> 00:51:51,574
- We're gonna be
- without roads, radio,
- 945
- 00:51:51,607 --> 00:51:55,378
- wifi or any kind of contact with
- the outside world for three hours.
- 946
- 00:51:55,410 --> 00:51:56,978
- Jesus.
- 947
- 00:51:57,013 --> 00:51:59,649
- I hope I did the Social Media good
- enough to get a message through to Shane.
- 948
- 00:51:59,681 --> 00:52:02,451
- 'Cause if not, we're the
- only ones who can stop them.
- 949
- 00:52:03,718 --> 00:52:05,321
- How are you with VCRs?
- 950
- 00:52:05,788 --> 00:52:06,989
- Wait a minute.
- 951
- 00:52:07,022 --> 00:52:09,025
- The message isn't
- signed by the porter.
- 952
- 00:52:09,058 --> 00:52:13,463
- It says, "Sincerely, Casey
- Smallwood, also formerly known as Ty
- 953
- 00:52:13,495 --> 00:52:15,864
- and yes it really is me,
- this is not a joke."
- 954
- 00:52:15,897 --> 00:52:18,700
- Smallwood?
- The name sounds familiar.
- 955
- 00:52:18,734 --> 00:52:21,504
- Yeah, it sounds
- really familiar.
- 956
- 00:52:21,536 --> 00:52:23,772
- Say, wasn't that the college
- student everyone thought
- 957
- 00:52:23,806 --> 00:52:25,641
- killed the raccoon
- ten years ago?
- 958
- 00:52:25,674 --> 00:52:27,977
- Oh, yeah!
- Tom. Tom Smallwood!
- 959
- 00:52:28,009 --> 00:52:29,544
- Didn't he try
- to fight the raccoons
- 960
- 00:52:29,578 --> 00:52:31,413
- with that old hippie
- that lived in the forest?
- 961
- 00:52:31,446 --> 00:52:33,915
- Jeff Tuck? You think he's
- not dead for real either?
- 962
- 00:52:33,948 --> 00:52:36,118
- No way! We would've
- seen him by now.
- 963
- 00:52:36,152 --> 00:52:39,489
- Besides, that old hippie used
- to just poop in the woods
- 964
- 00:52:39,522 --> 00:52:41,056
- and bone animals.
- 965
- 00:52:54,669 --> 00:52:56,939
- - Okay.
- - What? What?
- 966
- 00:53:01,843 --> 00:53:05,614
- But seriously, if this Smallwood
- kid isn't dead for real
- 967
- 00:53:05,647 --> 00:53:07,517
- and he has experience
- fighting the raccoons,
- 968
- 00:53:07,549 --> 00:53:10,620
- he is literally the one person
- we don't want on this train!
- 969
- 00:53:10,652 --> 00:53:12,421
- Say, Billy boy.
- 970
- 00:53:12,455 --> 00:53:14,857
- When you looked under
- the train for the stowaway,
- 971
- 00:53:14,890 --> 00:53:16,158
- did you actually
- see the body?
- 972
- 00:53:16,192 --> 00:53:17,660
- Well, I saw
- some train tracks
- 973
- 00:53:17,692 --> 00:53:20,497
- and some blood
- and I just presumed.
- 974
- 00:53:22,497 --> 00:53:26,501
- Presumption is
- the father of all boo-boos!
- 975
- 00:53:26,535 --> 00:53:28,904
- I'm sorry!
- Just, no more slapping.
- 976
- 00:53:28,937 --> 00:53:31,973
- With all the scars on my face and
- the missing chunks and what not.
- 977
- 00:53:32,006 --> 00:53:34,576
- I want all hands
- and paws on deck!
- 978
- 00:53:34,609 --> 00:53:36,478
- I want this train
- searched left side,
- 979
- 00:53:36,511 --> 00:53:39,080
- right side, inside, outside,
- from floor to ceiling!
- 980
- 00:53:39,114 --> 00:53:41,551
- We will not be
- defeated by Smallwoods!
- 981
- 00:53:45,087 --> 00:53:46,122
- Come on!
- 982
- 00:53:54,797 --> 00:53:57,233
- You really think this
- Smallwood kid is still alive?
- 983
- 00:53:57,265 --> 00:54:00,135
- I mean, until someone sees a
- corpse that's dead for real,
- 984
- 00:54:00,169 --> 00:54:03,638
- I'll always think it's possible,
- especially given our situation.
- 985
- 00:54:03,672 --> 00:54:04,974
- Okay.
- 986
- 00:54:05,006 --> 00:54:07,476
- Then why the fuck
- is he on this train?
- 987
- 00:54:07,509 --> 00:54:08,844
- Pull up the passenger list.
- 988
- 00:54:08,877 --> 00:54:10,779
- Let's see if he was
- with anyone else.
- 989
- 00:54:10,812 --> 00:54:12,747
- You don t think he was
- on here with Tuck, do you?
- 990
- 00:54:12,781 --> 00:54:14,083
- Or that Arab?
- 991
- 00:54:14,116 --> 00:54:16,552
- There's only one
- way to find out. Print it!
- 992
- 00:54:16,585 --> 00:54:18,221
- So what are you
- gonna look for? Tuck?
- 993
- 00:54:18,254 --> 00:54:20,156
- - Some Arab?
- - I don't know
- 994
- 00:54:20,189 --> 00:54:21,991
- But a man who fights raccoons
- 995
- 00:54:22,024 --> 00:54:25,995
- wouldn't leave his plus-one
- unprotected in a situation like this.
- 996
- 00:54:28,663 --> 00:54:30,533
- Oh, snap,
- fifteen missed notifications?
- 997
- 00:54:31,734 --> 00:54:34,670
- Ooh, who's this
- <i>grande</i> latte?
- 998
- 00:54:35,803 --> 00:54:37,105
- O-M-G.
- 999
- 00:54:37,939 --> 00:54:39,075
- Jesus.
- 1000
- 00:54:44,013 --> 00:54:45,848
- Aunt Sally's mittens!
- 1001
- 00:54:56,859 --> 00:55:01,130
- Let us know
- if you smell any... fear.
- 1002
- 00:55:08,770 --> 00:55:11,039
- - What's he looking for?
- - I don't know.
- 1003
- 00:55:11,073 --> 00:55:12,107
- Hopefully not me.
- 1004
- 00:55:15,076 --> 00:55:16,178
- I have an idea.
- 1005
- 00:55:16,210 --> 00:55:17,546
- So what do we do now?
- 1006
- 00:55:17,580 --> 00:55:18,848
- What do we do now?
- 1007
- 00:55:18,881 --> 00:55:21,518
- Oh, we're gonna make
- a little Christmas cocktail.
- 1008
- 00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:33,996
- What's your name,
- young lady?
- 1009
- 00:55:34,029 --> 00:55:36,799
- Anderson. Andy Anderson.
- 1010
- 00:55:36,832 --> 00:55:37,834
- Sounds made up!
- 1011
- 00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:39,234
- And...
- 1012
- 00:55:39,835 --> 00:55:41,771
- Nope, it's not on the list.
- 1013
- 00:55:41,803 --> 00:55:44,205
- I work on the train,
- at the bar.
- 1014
- 00:55:44,239 --> 00:55:48,010
- And you don't have
- a uniform like Shelley here?
- 1015
- 00:55:48,042 --> 00:55:50,078
- Changed out of it when
- you guys took over the train.
- 1016
- 00:55:52,114 --> 00:55:53,683
- So how is this
- supposed to work?
- 1017
- 00:55:53,716 --> 00:55:56,286
- We just need to put a little
- fire into these works.
- 1018
- 00:55:57,620 --> 00:55:58,754
- What?
- 1019
- 00:55:58,786 --> 00:56:00,089
- We just need
- to shake it off.
- 1020
- 00:56:00,122 --> 00:56:01,857
- Man, stop speaking
- in song lyrics.
- 1021
- 00:56:05,861 --> 00:56:07,196
- Well, well, well.
- 1022
- 00:56:07,228 --> 00:56:10,299
- Who gave this to ya?
- Might not be a good idea
- 1023
- 00:56:10,332 --> 00:56:12,902
- to wear that around these boys.
- 1024
- 00:56:15,337 --> 00:56:19,241
- Wow, you're a brave
- little motherfucker.
- 1025
- 00:56:19,274 --> 00:56:22,011
- You're gonna need a lot more
- than tasers to hurt us, though.
- 1026
- 00:56:22,044 --> 00:56:24,279
- Our bodies are mostly
- scar-tissue at this point,
- 1027
- 00:56:24,312 --> 00:56:26,281
- and that just feels tingly.
- 1028
- 00:56:28,317 --> 00:56:30,119
- Hey, leave her alone!
- 1029
- 00:56:36,759 --> 00:56:38,294
- Man, that doesn't
- even make sense.
- 1030
- 00:56:38,326 --> 00:56:40,796
- It'll make sense when
- I charge my way to victory.
- 1031
- 00:56:41,663 --> 00:56:43,165
- You ready to hit eject?
- 1032
- 00:56:48,069 --> 00:56:50,640
- Imagine a fire pit
- along the Rocky Mountains.
- 1033
- 00:56:50,672 --> 00:56:52,908
- It's gonna be like
- a big ol' hot tub.
- 1034
- 00:57:08,790 --> 00:57:10,325
- Goddamn small dick!
- 1035
- 00:57:15,397 --> 00:57:18,634
- Shitsnakes!
- We've lost PEN15!
- 1036
- 00:57:20,402 --> 00:57:22,304
- I got the golden
- VHS tape!
- 1037
- 00:57:22,337 --> 00:57:24,974
- Nice! Now let's
- get to the baggage car!
- 1038
- 00:57:25,006 --> 00:57:28,744
- He took the golden VHS tape.
- I can't do anything without it!
- 1039
- 00:57:31,046 --> 00:57:34,683
- Come on! We're almost there!
- 1040
- 00:57:34,716 --> 00:57:37,385
- He's headed for the baggage car
- in the back of the train.
- 1041
- 00:57:37,419 --> 00:57:40,723
- Don't shoot him.
- He's got the VHS tape.
- 1042
- 00:57:42,357 --> 00:57:43,359
- Oh!
- 1043
- 00:57:46,227 --> 00:57:47,396
- They're off the train!
- 1044
- 00:57:52,835 --> 00:57:54,970
- Pookie, stop the train!
- 1045
- 00:57:55,002 --> 00:57:58,040
- Sure thing, Jones.
- Let's give these boys a break!
- 1046
- 00:58:31,473 --> 00:58:33,342
- Okay, Reverend,
- take us back.
- 1047
- 00:58:33,375 --> 00:58:34,911
- Right. Okay.
- 1048
- 00:58:46,020 --> 00:58:47,156
- Later on!
- 1049
- 00:58:51,058 --> 00:58:53,461
- This train might as well
- be a toy going around
- 1050
- 00:58:53,495 --> 00:58:55,998
- a Christmas tree
- without that VHS tape.
- 1051
- 00:58:56,031 --> 00:58:59,736
- Couldn't you just have
- made some other copies?
- 1052
- 00:59:01,069 --> 00:59:02,271
- Yeah, I...
- 1053
- 00:59:02,303 --> 00:59:04,773
- I definitely
- could've done that.
- 1054
- 00:59:11,113 --> 00:59:12,381
- Let's latch on here.
- 1055
- 00:59:19,221 --> 00:59:21,958
- Be a doll and just
- wait right here, would ya?
- 1056
- 00:59:25,993 --> 00:59:28,330
- Okay, here we go.
- 1057
- 00:59:38,473 --> 00:59:41,076
- It's the chubby porter!
- Go get him!
- 1058
- 00:59:44,178 --> 00:59:47,348
- Danger! Jones! It appears
- Smallwood has an accomplice.
- 1059
- 00:59:47,381 --> 00:59:49,351
- It's the chubby porter
- with the smart phone.
- 1060
- 00:59:51,419 --> 00:59:54,455
- <i>He's getting
- away with the golden VHS tape!</i>
- 1061
- 00:59:54,489 --> 00:59:56,158
- <i>Well,
- don't shoot the chub chub.</i>
- 1062
- 00:59:56,190 --> 00:59:57,526
- <i>We can't let
- anything happen to it.</i>
- 1063
- 01:00:02,531 --> 01:00:05,267
- I bet you want that golden VHS
- tape, don't ya?
- 1064
- 01:00:06,868 --> 01:00:08,904
- Well, too bad.
- It's down there.
- 1065
- 01:00:15,977 --> 01:00:17,145
- Where'd the chubby
- porter go?
- 1066
- 01:00:17,178 --> 01:00:19,381
- I don't know! A few cars
- down that way.
- 1067
- 01:00:31,292 --> 01:00:33,194
- Oh, shit, man!
- Hands up. Don't shoot, man!
- 1068
- 01:00:33,227 --> 01:00:36,297
- Come on, look what do you want,
- the golden VHS, man?
- 1069
- 01:00:36,330 --> 01:00:38,033
- Look, man,
- I dropped it somewhere.
- 1070
- 01:00:38,065 --> 01:00:40,569
- Like, I think it's under
- the train or something, man.
- 1071
- 01:00:40,602 --> 01:00:43,172
- Come on, brother,
- all I got is your coon ass!.
- 1072
- 01:00:44,605 --> 01:00:46,908
- Ho! There goes
- the chubby porter.
- 1073
- 01:00:50,379 --> 01:00:52,147
- Goddamn!
- 1074
- 01:00:57,018 --> 01:00:58,020
- Oh, shit!
- 1075
- 01:01:01,156 --> 01:01:02,190
- Okay, Reverend.
- 1076
- 01:01:02,223 --> 01:01:04,593
- Take us to Washington,
- full steam.
- 1077
- 01:01:11,565 --> 01:01:12,901
- Aw, no!
- 1078
- 01:01:33,455 --> 01:01:34,657
- Well, I guess
- your small dick buddy
- 1079
- 01:01:34,689 --> 01:01:36,258
- wasn't as good
- as I thought.
- 1080
- 01:01:44,665 --> 01:01:47,468
- Okay, Danger,
- you're back in the game.
- 1081
- 01:01:47,502 --> 01:01:49,404
- Now make
- that banana split.
- 1082
- 01:01:56,310 --> 01:01:57,613
- Goddamn it, Casey.
- 1083
- 01:01:59,314 --> 01:02:02,484
- Maybe
- I am still Ty.
- 1084
- 01:02:02,517 --> 01:02:04,620
- I'd take you
- over Charlie any day.
- 1085
- 01:02:08,556 --> 01:02:09,959
- Tuck?
- 1086
- 01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:14,596
- Okay, ladies and germs,
- we're back online.
- 1087
- 01:02:14,629 --> 01:02:16,464
- And it looks like we
- didn't lose anything vital
- 1088
- 01:02:16,497 --> 01:02:18,099
- for splitting
- the country in two.
- 1089
- 01:02:18,132 --> 01:02:19,234
- Let's do it.
- 1090
- 01:02:19,267 --> 01:02:21,736
- I'm locking PEN15
- into Denver now.
- 1091
- 01:02:21,770 --> 01:02:25,040
- The mile high city will be
- a cloud of weed smoke
- 1092
- 01:02:25,073 --> 01:02:28,176
- in 20 minutes.
- 1093
- 01:02:28,210 --> 01:02:31,247
- Ah! Looks like that Danger piece
- of shit started another countdown!
- 1094
- 01:02:35,082 --> 01:02:37,685
- But I thought
- you were dead for real!
- 1095
- 01:02:37,718 --> 01:02:41,489
- Oh, come on, man. Everyone else
- ain't dead for real, why not me, bro?
- 1096
- 01:02:42,390 --> 01:02:43,291
- But how?
- 1097
- 01:02:43,326 --> 01:02:45,561
- Well, I survived the big
- fireworks explosion,
- 1098
- 01:02:45,593 --> 01:02:47,528
- then I just kept living in
- the woods like I always did.
- 1099
- 01:02:47,562 --> 01:02:50,199
- Then the Mayor and U.S.
- military turned the campground
- 1100
- 01:02:50,232 --> 01:02:53,469
- into a big weapons facility to
- harness the power of the raccoons.
- 1101
- 01:02:53,502 --> 01:02:56,171
- Then it turns out Ranger Danger
- and those jerkholes weren't dead
- 1102
- 01:02:56,203 --> 01:02:58,207
- for real either,
- so I just laid low,
- 1103
- 01:02:58,239 --> 01:03:00,542
- kept tabs on everybody,
- and then when they made their move,
- 1104
- 01:03:00,575 --> 01:03:01,643
- I made mine, man.
- 1105
- 01:03:01,676 --> 01:03:04,145
- I, uh, kept pretty good
- track of everybody so far,
- 1106
- 01:03:04,178 --> 01:03:06,614
- but, uh, then I had to stop
- and uh, get a little high.
- 1107
- 01:03:08,283 --> 01:03:10,085
- Oh, Tuck,
- I missed you, man!
- 1108
- 01:03:10,118 --> 01:03:12,388
- Oh, man, all right, okay.
- 1109
- 01:03:12,421 --> 01:03:14,723
- Those raccoons from
- ten years ago, they're back!
- 1110
- 01:03:14,756 --> 01:03:15,991
- They just attacked that train
- 1111
- 01:03:16,024 --> 01:03:18,594
- and Ranger Danger and his
- expert friends were there, too.
- 1112
- 01:03:18,627 --> 01:03:19,695
- - You were right!
- - Yeah, of course, man!
- 1113
- 01:03:19,727 --> 01:03:22,230
- It's a big raccoon military
- experiment gone wrong.
- 1114
- 01:03:22,263 --> 01:03:24,466
- I have literally been
- trying to say that for decades.
- 1115
- 01:03:24,498 --> 01:03:27,102
- Come on, Tuck!
- You taught me how to fight raccoons,
- 1116
- 01:03:27,134 --> 01:03:28,169
- don't you want
- to catch them?
- 1117
- 01:03:28,203 --> 01:03:30,372
- I mean, you're here,
- I'm here.
- 1118
- 01:03:30,404 --> 01:03:33,109
- We're so close! You think
- this is just a coincidence?
- 1119
- 01:03:35,777 --> 01:03:38,213
- Oh, God. I'm so sorry, dude.
- That was so gross.
- 1120
- 01:03:38,245 --> 01:03:39,580
- No, that's my bad.
- 1121
- 01:03:39,614 --> 01:03:41,216
- I should've expected that.
- 1122
- 01:03:41,248 --> 01:03:43,118
- Dude, I totally
- remember you, man!
- 1123
- 01:03:43,151 --> 01:03:45,254
- We fought those
- raccoons ten years ago, man.
- 1124
- 01:03:45,286 --> 01:03:46,321
- That was a great time!
- 1125
- 01:03:46,353 --> 01:03:48,589
- You're, uh,
- you're Ty, right?
- 1126
- 01:03:48,622 --> 01:03:50,091
- Yeah, that's me.
- 1127
- 01:03:51,125 --> 01:03:52,460
- Now let's get on that train.
- 1128
- 01:03:54,296 --> 01:03:55,531
- How did
- you get here?
- 1129
- 01:03:55,564 --> 01:03:57,832
- Oh, yeah, I actually have
- a mode of transportation
- 1130
- 01:03:57,866 --> 01:03:59,802
- that's a lot faster
- with two people.
- 1131
- 01:03:59,835 --> 01:04:01,170
- You in?
- 1132
- 01:04:01,203 --> 01:04:02,471
- Of course!
- What do I have to do?
- 1133
- 01:04:02,504 --> 01:04:04,073
- I mean, I haven't
- driven in like, ten years.
- 1134
- 01:04:04,105 --> 01:04:06,308
- Oh, man, you don't need to drive.
- How's your arm strength?
- 1135
- 01:04:06,341 --> 01:04:08,377
- Pretty good.
- I did just get out of the pen.
- 1136
- 01:04:08,410 --> 01:04:10,546
- Oh, yeah? You been,
- uh, jerking it?
- 1137
- 01:04:13,247 --> 01:04:16,084
- I was gonna say doing
- a lot of pull ups, but yeah.
- 1138
- 01:04:16,118 --> 01:04:17,353
- I was jerking it
- quite a bit.
- 1139
- 01:04:17,386 --> 01:04:19,388
- Well, man, let's pull and
- jerk our way to victory, baby!
- 1140
- 01:04:19,421 --> 01:04:20,556
- - Let's do it!
- - Let's do it.
- 1141
- 01:04:24,192 --> 01:04:28,163
- Sir! Shane from the very popular
- restaurant in Independence is on the phone.
- 1142
- 01:04:28,196 --> 01:04:29,498
- Shane?
- 1143
- 01:04:29,531 --> 01:04:31,866
- Shane was another one of my
- Rangers ten years ago, General.
- 1144
- 01:04:31,899 --> 01:04:35,369
- Really? Does he know about the
- raccoons as well, Mr. Secretary?
- 1145
- 01:04:35,402 --> 01:04:36,603
- You know,
- I certainly hope not.
- 1146
- 01:04:36,638 --> 01:04:39,607
- He's one of those people I sent
- to a conversion therapy camp.
- 1147
- 01:04:39,640 --> 01:04:41,876
- So the result is
- he's not very gay now,
- 1148
- 01:04:41,910 --> 01:04:44,613
- he's forgotten about the
- raccoons, got a super-hot wife,
- 1149
- 01:04:44,645 --> 01:04:46,547
- nice restaurant.
- We should be good to go.
- 1150
- 01:04:46,580 --> 01:04:49,317
- Okay, I get it. It doesn't
- matter if he used to be gay.
- 1151
- 01:04:49,350 --> 01:04:50,585
- Don't ask, don't tell.
- 1152
- 01:04:50,618 --> 01:04:52,386
- Sir, that's actually
- not a policy anymore.
- 1153
- 01:04:52,419 --> 01:04:54,222
- We need to hurry.
- This is about the last train
- 1154
- 01:04:54,256 --> 01:04:55,790
- that left from Independence
- to Washington today.
- 1155
- 01:04:55,823 --> 01:04:57,859
- The last train
- to Washington?
- 1156
- 01:04:57,893 --> 01:04:59,595
- Agent Woman
- was on that train!
- 1157
- 01:05:04,366 --> 01:05:08,370
- That's it, warrior! Harness
- that prison jerkin power, baby.
- 1158
- 01:05:08,402 --> 01:05:10,605
- Hello? Is the former
- mayor of Independence there?
- 1159
- 01:05:10,638 --> 01:05:12,006
- Well, hi there, Shane!
- 1160
- 01:05:12,040 --> 01:05:15,843
- Yeah, although, hey, for the record,
- I am now the Secretary of Defense.
- 1161
- 01:05:15,877 --> 01:05:18,779
- <i>Oh, right! Thanks again
- for everything you've done for me</i>
- 1162
- 01:05:18,812 --> 01:05:20,314
- <i>and the city of
- Independence, sir.</i>
- 1163
- 01:05:20,348 --> 01:05:21,683
- Yeah, no prob, Shane!
- 1164
- 01:05:21,716 --> 01:05:24,585
- Hey, we're in the middle of a
- little situation here, what's up?
- 1165
- 01:05:24,618 --> 01:05:25,586
- I have a Social Media
- sent to me
- 1166
- 01:05:25,620 --> 01:05:27,823
- by the train porter
- on the Holiday Express.
- 1167
- 01:05:29,690 --> 01:05:31,627
- Please tell the former
- Mayor of Independence
- 1168
- 01:05:31,660 --> 01:05:33,661
- that whoever's in charge
- of the secret weapon program
- 1169
- 01:05:33,694 --> 01:05:36,297
- at Raccoon Creek that their
- experiment's gone terribly wrong.
- 1170
- 01:05:36,330 --> 01:05:39,901
- <i>Over 25 raccoons and former ranger
- Rick Danger of Raccoon Creek</i>
- 1171
- 01:05:39,935 --> 01:05:42,638
- <i>hijacked the last Holiday
- Express to Washington today.</i>
- 1172
- 01:05:42,671 --> 01:05:45,473
- This group includes other
- experts who helped Ranger Danger
- 1173
- 01:05:45,506 --> 01:05:47,875
- fight the raccoons at
- Raccoon Creek ten years ago.
- 1174
- 01:05:47,908 --> 01:05:51,279
- <i>They also have a bunch of high tech
- satellite equipment or something.</i>
- 1175
- 01:05:51,312 --> 01:05:53,481
- High tech satellite
- equipment or something?
- 1176
- 01:05:53,515 --> 01:05:54,783
- That's them!
- 1177
- 01:05:54,817 --> 01:05:55,984
- <i>I couldn't figure out
- Social Media and this dude</i>
- 1178
- 01:05:56,018 --> 01:05:58,887
- <i>works on the train and he's
- from ten years ago, too!</i>
- 1179
- 01:05:58,919 --> 01:06:01,422
- <i>O-M-G smiley face.</i>
- 1180
- 01:06:01,455 --> 01:06:03,224
- O-M-G indeed!
- 1181
- 01:06:03,257 --> 01:06:05,493
- Get me the location
- of the Holiday Express.
- 1182
- 01:06:05,527 --> 01:06:06,562
- Roger that, General!
- 1183
- 01:06:06,594 --> 01:06:08,363
- Who sent the
- Social Media message?
- 1184
- 01:06:08,397 --> 01:06:12,201
- Well, it was sent to me by the train porter
- on the Holiday Express who goes by Double A,
- 1185
- 01:06:12,234 --> 01:06:14,303
- but it was actually
- my friend Ty Smallwood.
- 1186
- 01:06:14,335 --> 01:06:15,536
- Smallwood?
- 1187
- 01:06:15,569 --> 01:06:16,904
- Why does that name
- sound so familiar?
- 1188
- 01:06:16,937 --> 01:06:19,207
- <i>We fought the raccoons
- together at Raccoon Creek</i>
- 1189
- 01:06:19,241 --> 01:06:21,276
- <i>before you had him locked up
- for underage drinking.</i>
- 1190
- 01:06:21,308 --> 01:06:22,810
- Oh! Right.
- 1191
- 01:06:26,547 --> 01:06:28,716
- Come on!
- Pump that juice, baby!
- 1192
- 01:06:28,750 --> 01:06:31,553
- What is the closest air base
- to the Holiday Express?
- 1193
- 01:06:31,585 --> 01:06:33,288
- Probably our secret
- Appalachian base, sir.
- 1194
- 01:06:33,321 --> 01:06:35,991
- Great! Let's get some planes
- to go after that train, hm?
- 1195
- 01:06:36,024 --> 01:06:38,694
- Sir! There's over 100
- innocent people on that train.
- 1196
- 01:06:38,727 --> 01:06:40,995
- I know. But this country's
- gonna be split in two
- 1197
- 01:06:41,029 --> 01:06:43,765
- if this small dick kid
- can't stop these raccoons
- 1198
- 01:06:43,797 --> 01:06:44,799
- Scramble the fighters.
- 1199
- 01:06:45,933 --> 01:06:47,202
- Yes, sir!
- 1200
- 01:06:48,703 --> 01:06:50,973
- General, I really like
- where your head is at.
- 1201
- 01:06:51,006 --> 01:06:53,408
- We can wipe out Danger,
- the Smallwood kid
- 1202
- 01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:55,477
- and a bunch of raccoons
- all at once.
- 1203
- 01:06:55,509 --> 01:06:57,678
- Shut the fuck up,
- Mr. Secretary!
- 1204
- 01:06:57,712 --> 01:06:59,480
- We're in this mess
- because of you.
- 1205
- 01:06:59,513 --> 01:07:01,950
- Now get your bureaucratic
- ass the hell out of here.
- 1206
- 01:07:02,884 --> 01:07:03,886
- Move!
- 1207
- 01:07:04,852 --> 01:07:06,321
- Oh, and you're fired!
- 1208
- 01:07:09,991 --> 01:07:11,960
- Why the hell did I
- get back on this train?
- 1209
- 01:07:12,926 --> 01:07:13,962
- There it is!
- 1210
- 01:07:15,462 --> 01:07:16,598
- Let's hit it!
- 1211
- 01:07:18,799 --> 01:07:20,635
- Sorry about your
- small dick friend, missy.
- 1212
- 01:07:20,669 --> 01:07:22,536
- As I learned
- ten years ago,
- 1213
- 01:07:22,569 --> 01:07:25,406
- college kids and raccoons
- just don't mix.
- 1214
- 01:07:25,439 --> 01:07:29,677
- Have a tendency to make pretty
- girls like you just disappear.
- 1215
- 01:07:31,946 --> 01:07:35,317
- The raccoons chewed
- off my balls ten years ago.
- 1216
- 01:07:35,350 --> 01:07:37,919
- You're gonna have to do a lot better
- than that to get a rise out of me.
- 1217
- 01:07:37,951 --> 01:07:40,022
- Jones, leave her alone.
- 1218
- 01:07:40,055 --> 01:07:43,292
- You wouldn't want to piss off
- her small dick boyfriend again.
- 1219
- 01:07:43,325 --> 01:07:44,926
- He's not my boyfriend.
- 1220
- 01:07:44,959 --> 01:07:47,462
- Yeah, he's not
- her boyfriend.
- 1221
- 01:07:47,495 --> 01:07:50,332
- Besides, small dick is dead.
- 1222
- 01:07:50,364 --> 01:07:52,500
- Oh, yeah?
- Did you see his body?
- 1223
- 01:07:52,533 --> 01:07:53,669
- Because, you know,
- 1224
- 01:07:53,701 --> 01:07:55,337
- that's kind of why
- we're all here.
- 1225
- 01:07:55,370 --> 01:07:57,705
- Presumption is
- the father of all boo-boos.
- 1226
- 01:07:57,739 --> 01:07:58,974
- Well, he might
- be dead,
- 1227
- 01:07:59,006 --> 01:08:01,942
- he might be alive,
- but there's no way he's on this train.
- 1228
- 01:08:01,975 --> 01:08:05,046
- And there's no way he's
- getting back on this train
- 1229
- 01:08:05,080 --> 01:08:07,949
- in some crazy,
- unrealistic fashion!
- 1230
- 01:08:07,982 --> 01:08:10,384
- Okay! Just get me on
- the back of the train
- 1231
- 01:08:10,417 --> 01:08:11,486
- then you go for help!
- 1232
- 01:08:11,518 --> 01:08:14,589
- Do it, Ty! I'll meet ya
- again later down the line.
- 1233
- 01:08:14,622 --> 01:08:17,292
- Okay, Tuck.
- I'm going to do it!
- 1234
- 01:08:33,942 --> 01:08:35,444
- That's it, baby!
- 1235
- 01:08:35,477 --> 01:08:38,714
- Hendrix! Hendrix!
- 1236
- 01:08:38,746 --> 01:08:40,715
- Get me an evacuation
- order for Denver.
- 1237
- 01:08:40,748 --> 01:08:41,916
- Just the bunker, sir?
- 1238
- 01:08:41,950 --> 01:08:42,850
- What about the city?
- 1239
- 01:08:42,885 --> 01:08:44,953
- Oh, forget the city,
- they're all stoned!
- 1240
- 01:08:44,986 --> 01:08:46,322
- They'll freak out.
- 1241
- 01:08:48,122 --> 01:08:49,857
- Hey, Independence Whorehouse?
- 1242
- 01:08:49,890 --> 01:08:50,759
- Yeah, it's Tom.
- 1243
- 01:08:50,791 --> 01:08:52,928
- Can I get extra
- happy endings tonight?
- 1244
- 01:08:57,098 --> 01:08:58,734
- I should've just
- lived in the woods.
- 1245
- 01:08:59,834 --> 01:09:02,470
- Drop the tiny
- machine gun, chubby!
- 1246
- 01:09:06,907 --> 01:09:09,076
- Well, I gotta
- hand it to ya.
- 1247
- 01:09:09,109 --> 01:09:11,712
- You college kids sure did
- give us a run for our money.
- 1248
- 01:09:11,746 --> 01:09:13,148
- Hey, I'm not in college, man.
- 1249
- 01:09:13,180 --> 01:09:15,049
- Oh, I'm sorry!
- Was that not sensitive?
- 1250
- 01:09:15,082 --> 01:09:16,718
- Was that not PC?
- 1251
- 01:09:16,751 --> 01:09:18,387
- Oh, it was very PC.
- 1252
- 01:09:18,420 --> 01:09:20,689
- As in pretty clear
- you're gonna die, dickhead.
- 1253
- 01:09:20,721 --> 01:09:21,924
- Ain't that right, brother?
- 1254
- 01:09:28,028 --> 01:09:29,665
- I'm dead
- for real now.
- 1255
- 01:09:30,931 --> 01:09:32,666
- Damn, that was dope, bro!
- 1256
- 01:09:32,700 --> 01:09:34,568
- Let's go kick
- some more coon ass!
- 1257
- 01:09:34,602 --> 01:09:36,971
- Great! Praise Allah
- to you too.
- 1258
- 01:09:38,773 --> 01:09:40,675
- All right, boys,
- we've got a gazillion dollars
- 1259
- 01:09:40,707 --> 01:09:41,843
- waiting for us in the Bahamas.
- 1260
- 01:09:41,876 --> 01:09:44,012
- We just gotta
- catch a ride off of here
- 1261
- 01:09:44,045 --> 01:09:45,947
- and blow the shit
- out of Denver!
- 1262
- 01:09:45,979 --> 01:09:49,483
- <i>Stay tuned for this country
- being fucked right in half.</i>
- 1263
- 01:09:49,517 --> 01:09:51,685
- Arrangements have been made
- for everyone to get picked up
- 1264
- 01:09:51,719 --> 01:09:55,189
- in long black cars
- in Washington.
- 1265
- 01:09:55,223 --> 01:09:59,560
- Long black cars and fire trucks
- and ambulances.
- 1266
- 01:10:05,500 --> 01:10:08,537
- There's a common axiom
- which every good camper knows.
- 1267
- 01:10:08,569 --> 01:10:11,407
- When in doubt,
- take the shortcut.
- 1268
- 01:10:21,782 --> 01:10:25,887
- Looks like things are about to
- get a little off track.
- 1269
- 01:10:28,922 --> 01:10:31,893
- Wait, the old logging factory isn't
- on the same side it usually is.
- 1270
- 01:10:31,925 --> 01:10:33,727
- We usually go around
- this town on the other side.
- 1271
- 01:10:33,760 --> 01:10:36,665
- We're not even on
- the right tracks to Washington.
- 1272
- 01:10:36,697 --> 01:10:39,767
- Jesus! It looks like we're
- headed to Washington, all right.
- 1273
- 01:10:39,800 --> 01:10:41,236
- The Washington Canyon.
- 1274
- 01:10:41,269 --> 01:10:43,238
- The bridge is out and we're
- headed straight for it.
- 1275
- 01:10:43,270 --> 01:10:46,608
- If we don't stop this thing,
- everyone's gonna die.
- 1276
- 01:10:46,640 --> 01:10:47,541
- Wait, you're not going to let
- 1277
- 01:10:47,576 --> 01:10:49,578
- these raccoons screw
- you over again, are you?
- 1278
- 01:10:49,611 --> 01:10:50,612
- No.
- 1279
- 01:10:51,078 --> 01:10:52,714
- Not this time.
- 1280
- 01:10:52,746 --> 01:10:54,114
- That's the Washington Canyon.
- 1281
- 01:10:54,148 --> 01:10:55,984
- It's been a dead end
- on the tracks for years.
- 1282
- 01:10:56,017 --> 01:10:57,519
- Unfortunately, they're
- headed right for it.
- 1283
- 01:10:57,551 --> 01:10:58,719
- Can we contact them?
- 1284
- 01:10:58,752 --> 01:11:01,022
- Not as long as they're in for
- a dark Christmas in the dark.
- 1285
- 01:11:01,054 --> 01:11:02,923
- There's no reception
- up there,
- 1286
- 01:11:02,956 --> 01:11:04,091
- especially at night.
- 1287
- 01:11:11,099 --> 01:11:12,701
- <i>Come in,
- Independence.</i>
- 1288
- 01:11:12,733 --> 01:11:13,968
- <i>We are approaching
- the target.</i>
- 1289
- 01:11:14,001 --> 01:11:15,803
- - General Negligence?
- - Yes, sir?
- 1290
- 01:11:15,836 --> 01:11:17,705
- Authorize the planes to fire.
- 1291
- 01:11:17,738 --> 01:11:19,006
- Yes, sir.
- 1292
- 01:11:19,040 --> 01:11:20,709
- <i>Roger that.
- We're going in!</i>
- 1293
- 01:11:25,013 --> 01:11:27,515
- Sweet mother of shit,
- forgive us.
- 1294
- 01:11:28,983 --> 01:11:30,051
- There's something coming in.
- 1295
- 01:11:30,084 --> 01:11:31,720
- What? They found us?
- 1296
- 01:11:31,752 --> 01:11:33,755
- Because of Tom
- fucking small cock?
- 1297
- 01:11:33,787 --> 01:11:36,190
- Can't you just shoot it
- down with the satellite?
- 1298
- 01:11:36,224 --> 01:11:38,126
- Shitsnakes, no!
- I can't do that.
- 1299
- 01:11:38,158 --> 01:11:40,595
- I got PEN15
- locked on Denver.
- 1300
- 01:11:46,733 --> 01:11:47,801
- Wait a minute.
- 1301
- 01:11:47,835 --> 01:11:50,538
- If the planes are slow enough,
- I could target them.
- 1302
- 01:11:52,340 --> 01:11:53,775
- There they are.
- 1303
- 01:11:53,808 --> 01:11:56,278
- See? Told ya you could
- shoot it down.
- 1304
- 01:11:56,310 --> 01:11:57,578
- That's why I said that.
- 1305
- 01:12:02,082 --> 01:12:03,785
- Shh!
- 1306
- 01:12:05,319 --> 01:12:06,522
- We're the good guys.
- 1307
- 01:12:17,799 --> 01:12:22,604
- I'm sorry, Mr. Raccoon.
- I was just touching up my boobies.
- 1308
- 01:12:23,270 --> 01:12:24,273
- Titties?
- 1309
- 01:12:27,875 --> 01:12:29,743
- Breasteseses.
- 1310
- 01:12:29,777 --> 01:12:31,279
- Shitsnakes, Mr. Pilot.
- 1311
- 01:12:35,983 --> 01:12:37,084
- Where are all
- the passengers?
- 1312
- 01:12:37,117 --> 01:12:38,352
- They must be on
- the passenger car.
- 1313
- 01:12:38,385 --> 01:12:40,054
- Let's double team it
- in the rear!
- 1314
- 01:12:41,288 --> 01:12:42,924
- They shot down
- one of the planes!
- 1315
- 01:12:42,956 --> 01:12:44,291
- Son of a bitch!
- 1316
- 01:13:12,220 --> 01:13:14,323
- Goddamn Smallwood!
- 1317
- 01:13:42,450 --> 01:13:44,219
- <i>I've got
- the target on lock.</i>
- 1318
- 01:13:44,251 --> 01:13:45,987
- <i>Ready to fire
- on your command.</i>
- 1319
- 01:13:55,962 --> 01:13:57,666
- Shitsnakes times two.
- 1320
- 01:13:59,466 --> 01:14:01,135
- Get me the President!
- 1321
- 01:14:04,871 --> 01:14:08,142
- Hello? A raccoon
- weapons program?
- 1322
- 01:14:08,175 --> 01:14:10,745
- Cut the program,
- put it into school lunches,
- 1323
- 01:14:10,778 --> 01:14:13,014
- Where's the bunker?
- I'm on my way.
- 1324
- 01:14:13,046 --> 01:14:14,382
- Jane! Slippers!
- 1325
- 01:14:17,852 --> 01:14:19,220
- Ranger Rick Danger.
- 1326
- 01:14:21,221 --> 01:14:22,924
- Tom Smallwood?
- 1327
- 01:14:22,956 --> 01:14:25,859
- It's Ty. I'm coming
- for Darlene
- 1328
- 01:14:25,893 --> 01:14:29,197
- and then I'm coming
- for you and your raccoons.
- 1329
- 01:14:29,229 --> 01:14:31,700
- You better hurry or these
- raccoons are going to do to her
- 1330
- 01:14:31,733 --> 01:14:33,201
- what they did
- to her sister.
- 1331
- 01:14:37,404 --> 01:14:40,242
- Ya! Gotta keep
- 'em separated!
- 1332
- 01:14:48,148 --> 01:14:49,416
- Double A,
- what are you doing?
- 1333
- 01:14:49,450 --> 01:14:51,118
- I'm coming with
- you to finish this!
- 1334
- 01:14:51,152 --> 01:14:52,721
- Ready to be a warrior, huh?
- 1335
- 01:14:52,754 --> 01:14:54,354
- Hell, yeah!
- I learned from the best.
- 1336
- 01:15:00,428 --> 01:15:02,497
- Oh, my golly,
- we're free!
- 1337
- 01:15:06,466 --> 01:15:09,371
- Oh, my golly,
- I can use my smartphone!
- 1338
- 01:15:14,876 --> 01:15:16,178
- Hey, hey, hey
- 1339
- 01:15:16,211 --> 01:15:18,780
- No one else can have this story,
- this is Dick Weener's story.
- 1340
- 01:15:18,813 --> 01:15:20,348
- No one else can
- have a smartphone!
- 1341
- 01:15:21,047 --> 01:15:23,017
- Ow!
- 1342
- 01:15:23,050 --> 01:15:26,121
- Ow! An electric shock
- I can't fuck with!
- 1343
- 01:15:26,153 --> 01:15:28,790
- You stupid old broad,
- you've ruined my career!
- 1344
- 01:15:28,822 --> 01:15:31,225
- Amen to that, Dick!
- 1345
- 01:15:31,259 --> 01:15:33,461
- Now, I'm gonna assume we
- haven't seen the Doc in a while
- 1346
- 01:15:33,493 --> 01:15:36,096
- because he went
- for a brisk walk or something.
- 1347
- 01:15:36,130 --> 01:15:38,833
- Are you sure you can
- handle Tom Small Dick?
- 1348
- 01:15:38,866 --> 01:15:39,734
- Can I handle him?
- 1349
- 01:15:39,767 --> 01:15:43,037
- Skippy? You're my number one...
- 1350
- 01:15:44,371 --> 01:15:46,073
- raccoon!
- 1351
- 01:15:48,975 --> 01:15:50,746
- Now you think
- I can handle him?
- 1352
- 01:15:51,312 --> 01:15:52,212
- Go get 'em.
- 1353
- 01:15:52,246 --> 01:15:54,915
- I'd take you boys
- over Charlie any day!
- 1354
- 01:15:54,948 --> 01:15:56,149
- Who the hell is that?
- 1355
- 01:15:56,184 --> 01:15:59,521
- It's Tuck! Get on there and
- help him jerk that thing off.
- 1356
- 01:15:59,554 --> 01:16:00,788
- What?
- 1357
- 01:16:00,822 --> 01:16:02,323
- I mean, you know,
- help him pump it!
- 1358
- 01:16:02,355 --> 01:16:03,424
- What are you gonna do?
- 1359
- 01:16:03,456 --> 01:16:04,859
- I'm gonna get Darlene.
- 1360
- 01:16:05,492 --> 01:16:07,828
- Attention Ranger
- Rick Danger!
- 1361
- 01:16:07,862 --> 01:16:09,797
- You've got yourself
- a warrior problem
- 1362
- 01:16:09,831 --> 01:16:12,300
- and it ain't you and him.
- 1363
- 01:16:12,332 --> 01:16:15,002
- Jeff Tuck? I thought
- you were dead for real,
- 1364
- 01:16:15,036 --> 01:16:16,270
- you old crackhead!
- 1365
- 01:16:16,304 --> 01:16:18,973
- Looks like two can
- play at that game, Danger.
- 1366
- 01:16:19,005 --> 01:16:21,843
- Presumptions are
- the father of all boo-boos.
- 1367
- 01:16:21,876 --> 01:16:25,080
- Pippy! Go get
- Kent State on that hippie!
- 1368
- 01:16:28,315 --> 01:16:30,085
- Come on, man!
- Get that thing closer.
- 1369
- 01:16:35,989 --> 01:16:36,992
- Huh?
- 1370
- 01:16:40,394 --> 01:16:41,429
- Oh, boy!
- 1371
- 01:16:48,301 --> 01:16:49,804
- Ha-ha! There ya go!
- 1372
- 01:16:53,907 --> 01:16:56,111
- Whoo! That's it, baby!
- 1373
- 01:16:59,479 --> 01:17:02,517
- All right, Ty.
- Best Christmas Eve ever.
- 1374
- 01:17:06,453 --> 01:17:08,956
- I'll worry about
- Tyler little dick.
- 1375
- 01:17:08,989 --> 01:17:11,192
- You worry about
- splitting this country in two.
- 1376
- 01:17:11,224 --> 01:17:12,259
- Got it?
- 1377
- 01:17:14,629 --> 01:17:17,165
- Not gonna lie, Jones.
- You're going a little crazy.
- 1378
- 01:17:17,197 --> 01:17:19,299
- You, you want
- a tranquilizer or something?
- 1379
- 01:17:19,332 --> 01:17:20,468
- No.
- 1380
- 01:17:20,501 --> 01:17:25,540
- Bullets. I need bullets.
- 1381
- 01:17:25,572 --> 01:17:29,009
- Okay. As long as my Santa
- satellites keep the U.S. military
- 1382
- 01:17:29,042 --> 01:17:31,846
- busy long enough,
- I'll blow up Denver without you.
- 1383
- 01:17:37,684 --> 01:17:39,920
- Have fun killing
- drunk college kids.
- 1384
- 01:17:39,953 --> 01:17:41,255
- I've got a country
- to split in two
- 1385
- 01:17:41,288 --> 01:17:44,059
- and a gazillion dollars
- to pick up in the Bahamas.
- 1386
- 01:17:46,626 --> 01:17:48,863
- Looks like this is gonna
- take some super strength.
- 1387
- 01:17:54,969 --> 01:17:57,337
- Howdy, warrior!
- You know how to pump it?
- 1388
- 01:17:57,371 --> 01:17:58,940
- Oh, yeah.
- I've been to prison.
- 1389
- 01:18:00,073 --> 01:18:02,542
- Great, the President
- is pissed!
- 1390
- 01:18:02,576 --> 01:18:03,611
- Which means we
- 1391
- 01:18:03,644 --> 01:18:05,347
- and the American
- public are fucked!
- 1392
- 01:18:08,381 --> 01:18:09,917
- Can't let you go anywhere.
- 1393
- 01:18:10,484 --> 01:18:12,621
- You're my little hostage.
- 1394
- 01:18:15,523 --> 01:18:18,359
- You know, a lot
- of dumb college kids
- 1395
- 01:18:18,392 --> 01:18:21,261
- died on that campground
- ten years ago.
- 1396
- 01:18:21,295 --> 01:18:23,331
- The fact
- this Smallwood kid didn't
- 1397
- 01:18:23,363 --> 01:18:25,200
- kinda makes me
- respect him.
- 1398
- 01:18:26,500 --> 01:18:29,404
- He really is a brave
- motherfucker.
- 1399
- 01:18:35,408 --> 01:18:37,178
- You know,
- I do remember you.
- 1400
- 01:18:37,211 --> 01:18:40,014
- And I sure hope you know
- what you're doing, small dick.
- 1401
- 01:18:40,046 --> 01:18:43,017
- Or else your little
- girlfriend here is gonna die,
- 1402
- 01:18:43,050 --> 01:18:45,420
- just like her sister.
- 1403
- 01:18:45,452 --> 01:18:47,120
- I'm not his girlfriend.
- 1404
- 01:18:47,153 --> 01:18:49,022
- Yeah, she's not
- my girlfriend.
- 1405
- 01:18:49,055 --> 01:18:51,625
- I lost my virginity to her
- sister ten years ago,
- 1406
- 01:18:51,658 --> 01:18:53,694
- while she was
- being killed by a raccoon.
- 1407
- 01:18:53,728 --> 01:18:55,229
- Holy shit!
- 1408
- 01:18:55,261 --> 01:18:57,465
- That's how
- my sister died?
- 1409
- 01:18:57,497 --> 01:19:00,134
- Uh, yeah, I was gonna,
- I was gonna...
- 1410
- 01:19:00,166 --> 01:19:02,502
- Ye... I was gonna tell you,
- but some things came up.
- 1411
- 01:19:02,536 --> 01:19:04,038
- And I'm-I'm sorry.
- 1412
- 01:19:04,071 --> 01:19:06,975
- You might be able to take out
- a bunch of raccoons,
- 1413
- 01:19:07,007 --> 01:19:09,109
- but can you fight a real man?
- 1414
- 01:19:14,047 --> 01:19:16,684
- Hang on to that grenade,
- sugar tits.
- 1415
- 01:19:16,716 --> 01:19:18,987
- You might
- need it later.
- 1416
- 01:19:21,522 --> 01:19:25,225
- Ugh! You are so the patriarchy.
- 1417
- 01:19:30,063 --> 01:19:34,401
- Not bad, small dick.
- But you know what they say.
- 1418
- 01:19:34,434 --> 01:19:38,172
- It's not the size,
- it's how you use it.
- 1419
- 01:19:49,382 --> 01:19:51,086
- Goddamn!
- 1420
- 01:19:52,053 --> 01:19:54,122
- Bring it on,
- you furry fuck!
- 1421
- 01:20:20,346 --> 01:20:21,448
- Harder!
- 1422
- 01:20:22,483 --> 01:20:25,153
- Harder! Harder!
- Harder! Harder!
- 1423
- 01:20:31,492 --> 01:20:33,561
- Goddamn!
- 1424
- 01:21:14,602 --> 01:21:16,104
- I actually don't
- have balls.
- 1425
- 01:21:16,136 --> 01:21:18,072
- Uh, the raccoons
- gnawed 'em off.
- 1426
- 01:21:45,465 --> 01:21:48,335
- Where'd you learn this,
- the NYPD?
- 1427
- 01:21:48,368 --> 01:21:52,473
- No. Raccoon Creek Campground,
- motherfucker!
- 1428
- 01:21:55,376 --> 01:21:58,379
- I'm dead, for real.
- 1429
- 01:22:02,215 --> 01:22:03,484
- Later on.
- 1430
- 01:22:20,434 --> 01:22:21,469
- Don't drop that.
- 1431
- 01:22:21,868 --> 01:22:23,138
- Come on.
- 1432
- 01:22:28,943 --> 01:22:32,647
- Well, I'm going to presume
- everything is just fine back there.
- 1433
- 01:22:36,783 --> 01:22:39,920
- I hope you're all having
- a happy Christmas Eve!
- 1434
- 01:22:39,953 --> 01:22:43,323
- Independence isn't what it used to
- be, but then again,
- 1435
- 01:22:43,357 --> 01:22:47,528
- this whole country isn't about
- to be what it used to be.
- 1436
- 01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:50,230
- As long as I've got
- my golden VHS tape,
- 1437
- 01:22:50,264 --> 01:22:53,367
- inside this here VCR,
- that's all I need.
- 1438
- 01:22:53,399 --> 01:22:54,902
- Now if you excuse me,
- 1439
- 01:22:54,934 --> 01:22:57,537
- I must dis-board
- this train
- 1440
- 01:22:57,571 --> 01:23:00,373
- before it makes a stop inside
- of Washington Canyon.
- 1441
- 01:23:00,407 --> 01:23:04,845
- Wait, if you keep moving,
- I'll just drop this grenade.
- 1442
- 01:23:04,877 --> 01:23:06,214
- Kill us all.
- 1443
- 01:23:06,246 --> 01:23:07,514
- Well, shitsnakes.
- 1444
- 01:23:08,248 --> 01:23:09,384
- Go ahead!
- 1445
- 01:23:20,861 --> 01:23:23,598
- Still no response to our abort
- shriek command codes, sir!
- 1446
- 01:23:23,630 --> 01:23:27,199
- What the hell
- are shriek command codes?
- 1447
- 01:23:30,403 --> 01:23:32,505
- Oh, Tom Smallwood.
- 1448
- 01:23:32,538 --> 01:23:34,341
- Shooting me
- won't do anything.
- 1449
- 01:23:34,375 --> 01:23:37,778
- The U.S. military can't get
- past my Santa satellites
- 1450
- 01:23:37,810 --> 01:23:41,715
- and you can't stop my
- high tech VHS programming.
- 1451
- 01:23:41,748 --> 01:23:44,684
- Seriously? There's nothing I
- can do to shut that thing down?
- 1452
- 01:23:44,718 --> 01:23:47,654
- Nope! You might as well
- just drop that gun right now.
- 1453
- 01:23:54,761 --> 01:23:57,998
- Fuck! I'm sorry, Darlene.
- 1454
- 01:23:58,032 --> 01:24:00,334
- Looks like I failed again.
- 1455
- 01:24:00,367 --> 01:24:01,903
- Just like I failed your sister.
- 1456
- 01:24:08,341 --> 01:24:10,777
- <i>Access to PEN15 restored!</i>
- 1457
- 01:24:10,810 --> 01:24:13,447
- We have regained
- control of PEN15, sir!
- 1458
- 01:24:13,479 --> 01:24:16,350
- Shitsnakes! Didn't
- think of that one.
- 1459
- 01:24:16,849 --> 01:24:18,252
- Sorry, daddy.
- 1460
- 01:24:26,393 --> 01:24:27,395
- Kill it!
- 1461
- 01:24:54,487 --> 01:24:56,890
- What's this? An end
- that's dead for real?
- 1462
- 01:24:59,093 --> 01:25:01,662
- Good God!
- Now I'm dead for real!
- 1463
- 01:25:05,866 --> 01:25:07,702
- Okay, stop pumping.
- 1464
- 01:25:07,734 --> 01:25:08,768
- It won't stop!
- 1465
- 01:25:08,801 --> 01:25:09,836
- Oh, boy.
- 1466
- 01:25:09,870 --> 01:25:11,639
- Uh, everybody jump!
- 1467
- 01:25:25,786 --> 01:25:26,788
- Woah!
- 1468
- 01:25:29,656 --> 01:25:31,024
- Tom teeny peeny!
- 1469
- 01:25:31,825 --> 01:25:33,027
- Ranger Danger?
- 1470
- 01:25:33,059 --> 01:25:34,928
- You haven't won yet, small dick.
- 1471
- 01:25:34,961 --> 01:25:36,964
- You dumb college kids
- will never again
- 1472
- 01:25:36,996 --> 01:25:38,932
- laugh at the name
- of Ranger Rick Danger.
- 1473
- 01:25:42,803 --> 01:25:45,973
- Shitsnakes! I'm dead
- for real now, daddy!
- 1474
- 01:25:46,005 --> 01:25:48,508
- Coon-bye-yah,
- motherfucker!
- 1475
- 01:25:56,849 --> 01:25:59,853
- Looks like you bit off exactly
- what you could choo-choo.
- 1476
- 01:25:59,886 --> 01:26:01,121
- Nice going, warrior.
- 1477
- 01:26:01,154 --> 01:26:04,023
- I knew you could do it.
- You're not a winner.
- 1478
- 01:26:04,056 --> 01:26:07,461
- You're not a loser.
- And you're not a Casey.
- 1479
- 01:26:07,928 --> 01:26:09,063
- You're a Ty.
- 1480
- 01:26:09,095 --> 01:26:10,630
- Thanks, kid.
- 1481
- 01:26:10,663 --> 01:26:13,468
- Hey, guys, look this is really all
- heartwarming, but what the fuck is that?
- 1482
- 01:26:24,577 --> 01:26:26,714
- Ring-tailed
- rodent piece of shit!
- 1483
- 01:26:34,654 --> 01:26:36,991
- Your dead sister
- would be proud.
- 1484
- 01:26:37,023 --> 01:26:39,058
- Whoa, whoa. You sure you
- know how to use that thing?
- 1485
- 01:26:39,091 --> 01:26:40,661
- I think I got
- the hang of it.
- 1486
- 01:26:42,162 --> 01:26:44,065
- Hey, you boys gonna eat this?
- 1487
- 01:26:45,165 --> 01:26:46,533
- It's all yours!
- 1488
- 01:26:46,567 --> 01:26:50,805
- Woo-whee! Gonna be a good Christmas
- dinner this year!
- 1489
- 01:26:55,709 --> 01:26:56,743
- Smartphone!
- 1490
- 01:26:56,777 --> 01:26:59,747
- Get me the secret
- military base in Independence.
- 1491
- 01:26:59,779 --> 01:27:01,715
- Generals, there's
- a message coming in
- 1492
- 01:27:01,747 --> 01:27:03,017
- I'll patch it through.
- 1493
- 01:27:03,050 --> 01:27:04,485
- Hello, Independence?
- 1494
- 01:27:04,518 --> 01:27:07,955
- This is Casey Sm... This is Ty.
- 1495
- 01:27:08,855 --> 01:27:10,190
- Ty Smallwood.
- 1496
- 01:27:10,224 --> 01:27:13,160
- His last name means
- small penis either way.
- 1497
- 01:27:13,193 --> 01:27:15,896
- <i>Ranger Danger and his
- cronies are dead for real now.</i>
- 1498
- 01:27:15,929 --> 01:27:19,667
- <i>The raccoons have been destroyed
- and the hostages are safe.</i>
- 1499
- 01:27:23,069 --> 01:27:26,806
- Come on, open! Open up,
- you son of a bitch, open!
- 1500
- 01:27:26,840 --> 01:27:29,643
- All right, what the hell is
- going on? You woke me up!
- 1501
- 01:27:29,675 --> 01:27:32,111
- Mr. President,
- it all worked out.
- 1502
- 01:27:32,144 --> 01:27:35,248
- Well, that's good,
- because it's Christmas.
- 1503
- 01:27:37,984 --> 01:27:39,219
- Yeah! Yeah!
- 1504
- 01:27:39,252 --> 01:27:43,523
- <i>♪ Hark the herald angels sing</i>
- 1505
- 01:27:43,556 --> 01:27:47,760
- <i>♪ Glory to the newborn king</i>
- 1506
- 01:27:47,794 --> 01:27:50,031
- <i>♪ Peace on Earth...</i>
- 1507
- 01:27:50,997 --> 01:27:52,666
- It's good to have
- you back, Ty.
- 1508
- 01:27:53,834 --> 01:27:55,736
- It's good to be back.
- 1509
- 01:27:55,769 --> 01:27:58,772
- Hey, I really enjoyed
- fighting raccoons with you
- 1510
- 01:27:58,804 --> 01:28:00,673
- and I know
- that I lost my virginity
- 1511
- 01:28:00,706 --> 01:28:02,142
- to your dead sister
- ten years ago,
- 1512
- 01:28:02,175 --> 01:28:05,980
- but I was wondering if you'd
- wanna hang out sometime?
- 1513
- 01:28:06,013 --> 01:28:08,549
- I mean, I don't know
- if you're into older guys.
- 1514
- 01:28:08,581 --> 01:28:11,285
- Uh, I actually
- am into older guys.
- 1515
- 01:28:11,318 --> 01:28:12,786
- Oh, cool, really?
- 1516
- 01:28:12,818 --> 01:28:15,054
- Yeah, but like, much older.
- 1517
- 01:28:15,087 --> 01:28:17,692
- In fact, I kinda
- met someone.
- 1518
- 01:28:19,760 --> 01:28:21,662
- - What's up, bro?
- - Tuck?
- 1519
- 01:28:21,694 --> 01:28:24,965
- It's always an honor to fight
- raccoons alongside a warrior like you.
- 1520
- 01:28:24,997 --> 01:28:27,968
- Next time you need me,
- I'll always pop up.
- 1521
- 01:28:28,001 --> 01:28:29,737
- Uh, sure, yeah.
- 1522
- 01:28:29,769 --> 01:28:32,171
- So, uh, you ever get
- high in a tree before?
- 1523
- 01:28:32,205 --> 01:28:35,075
- Uh, no. But that sounds
- pretty awesome.
- 1524
- 01:28:35,108 --> 01:28:37,811
- Far out!
- Merry Christmas, brother.
- 1525
- 01:28:37,844 --> 01:28:39,580
- Merry Christmas, you guys.
- 1526
- 01:28:40,112 --> 01:28:41,214
- What about you, Shelley?
- 1527
- 01:28:41,247 --> 01:28:42,582
- Do you have plans tonight?
- 1528
- 01:28:42,616 --> 01:28:43,817
- Oh, yeah.
- 1529
- 01:28:43,849 --> 01:28:45,118
- With everything
- that's happened,
- 1530
- 01:28:45,152 --> 01:28:47,654
- Double A and I have
- gotten a lot closer,
- 1531
- 01:28:47,688 --> 01:28:51,257
- and we've decided to take
- our professional relationship
- 1532
- 01:28:51,291 --> 01:28:54,628
- to a more personal level.
- 1533
- 01:28:54,661 --> 01:28:56,630
- Thanks for everything, warrior.
- 1534
- 01:28:56,662 --> 01:29:00,000
- Yes, God bless us, everyone.
- 1535
- 01:29:01,134 --> 01:29:02,870
- .Merry Christmas, you guys!
- 1536
- 01:29:03,870 --> 01:29:05,305
- Well, Janine,
- 1537
- 01:29:05,339 --> 01:29:09,009
- turns out you were
- always the only girl for me.
- 1538
- 01:29:09,041 --> 01:29:10,710
- Looks like it's just us again.
- 1539
- 01:29:11,912 --> 01:29:14,215
- Yep, just us.
- 1540
- 01:34:31,596 --> 01:34:36,596
- Subtitles by explosiveskull
- www.OpenSubtitles.org
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