A Russian Scandal

Reginald Winthrop Miller got out of bed at exactly 5:00 AM in the morning and sighed as he awaited his lazy drunk of a man-servant Seamus O’Reilly to inevitably arrive late to dress him. On most days  was used to the idle nature of the Hibernian White Negro of Europe after all his Southern brother and business partner Andrew Thaddeus Miller was waited on in a similar manner by his  actual Black Negro slaves and has the Patience  of a Saint for only using the whip as punishment once a week. Today however was an important day and Reginald could scarcely afford to be even a minute tardy to get his findings published. Reginald rang the small golden bell and as Seamus came bumbling in at the absolutely unprofessional tardy hour of 5:02 AM Reginald reflected that the capitalist system of hiring lower class Irish and German immigrants that prevailed in his own position and a northern industrialist truly was worse than the chattel slavery of Black Africans in the South, because at least in the South the plantation owners are spared the indignity of having to pay their degenerates.
 “Sorry for coming late Mister Miller” Seamus said nervously as he began to lay out Reginald’s outfit for the day selfishly fearing that he would be fired and Miller would end all the protection his family enjoyed form Know Nothing Gangs rather than truly being sorry for the inconvenience he caused his noble employer. The outfit consisted of a respectable pair of brown loafers, black socks, black trousers with suspenders, a white shirt, a BLUE bow tie (he would rather be dead than caught wearing the Red color of the communards and the new American Jacobin party known as the Republicans) a respectable monocle and a black bowler hat with a BLUE rim. Seamus began the process of dressing Reginald as Reginald had too much noblesse to attend to such a plebian task himself.
After being dressed Reginald marched down the stairs of his Philadelphia mansion and and took a quick look at the finical section of the morning paper, things where looking bad for his textile business due to the tensions the new President has been  stoking with the south which made it so much harder for Andrew to be able to ship cotton from his Alabama plantation up to Pennsylvania. Reginald sighed, how can others not see that the abolitionists are  Communards inspired by Marx’s new teachings seeking to destroy American industry in the service of a foreign power! To make matters worse Lincoln has shown  interest in  radical Hamiltonian theories of creating a government run national bank ripping the republic from the noble free trade system graciously and expertly run by the great private banks of England, an idea doomed to fail!  If the Republicans where going to stay in American politics he prayed surely one day they’d learn some basic economics.
As Reginald threw the newspaper to the floor with anger he breathed in and walked out the door on the way to his interview, soon things would change! He went to a local gentlemen’s club named the Frumpy Button and walked towards his favorite study room. He sat his rump onto the plush velvet seat behind a long oak desk. Reginald was pleased when he saw the man who would help him expose corruption walked in with classic Anglo-American punctuality of only a millisecond after Reginald himself making him a full 40 minutes early for the set meeting time. Richard Alister Madison  was a Portly Ohio Journalist who worked for the Crisis a Columbus newspaper dedicated to supporting the brave patriots of the Confederate resistance and the Democratic Party  against  attacks by the toxic “Brethren of Lincoln” that ran most of the Northern press.
After they exchanged greetings Reginald dug into his jacket and pulled out a stack of papers tied together with the front page being titled “the Miller Report” and handed it to Richard who began to read it. “Reginald!” He exclaimed “This is brilliant! I thought I was the only one who was wary of the insidious Russian agenda to take over our fair nation!” Reginald nodded “Yes Tsar Alexander II thinks his status as a powerful monarch obscures his radical communard-Jacobin agenda but thinking men like us know better! Rember when he took the noble institution of serfdom away from the job creators of the Russian Empire? This is exactly the sort of disaster he’s using the puppet Abraham Lincoln to export to the United States with the abolition of slavery!”  Richard nodded in agreement “the connections between the Tsar’s wealth the rise of the Republican Party form a pathetic third party to the ruling party of the Republic can be the smoking musket which can help impeach the Tyrant Lincoln! Not to mention the agreements he made to let Russian ships patrol the waterways of New York and San Francisco to prevent the Resistance patriots form getting valuable aid from our Western allies  Britain and France! Where did you find such groundbreaking information?” Reginald beamed with pride “why from one of my close personal friends, an agent of the British Crown stationed in Upper Canada    Sir Christian Arnold Stenson who was able to create the Stenson Dossier from his observations of Russia-US communications across the British colonies in the North” Richard nodded his head “Very good, do you have a copy of the Stenson Dossier on you?” Reginald nodded and said “yes it is the final page of the Miller Report” the two men shook hands and went their separate ways
Months latter Reginald sat dejected, no one took the Russian threat to our democracy seriously even after the publication of his report and the Stenson Dossier. Even as he Crisis attempted to make jokes insinuating that Tsar Alexander II and President Lincoln where homosexual lovers  nothing stopped the power of the Republicans and the tenacity of the Toxic Brethern of Lincoln. All Reginald could do was take a small sip of imported French Champagne gifted to him by Emperor Napoleon III and change into the Indian-silk made pajamas gifted to him by her Majesty Queen Victoria and climb into bed dreaming of a day America wakes up to the Russian-backed Jacobin threat to our institutions, before its too late.