Anon Tried to Kill Himself, Act IV [END]

ACT IV: The Final Act
Part 1: Cloudy With a Chance of Evil

>waking up alerts you to your severe need to shit
>it's like you ate an entire pie last night
>probably because the fucking apple horse didn't take your pie with her when she left
>which means that you did eat an entire pie last night
>the cardboard-thin door swings open easily as you make your way into the passageway to find the bathroom
>you're on the toilet drowning your niggers when some commotion down the hall reaches your ears
>you wrap up your business and wash your hands in short order so you can open the door to see what's going on
>seeing nothing immediately, you turn to look at your room
>and, just like that, you know what's going on
>sort of
>in and around your room is mulling about a gaggle of armored stallions
>guards?
>except the armor isn't like what the guards who brought you in here were wearing
>it's more…
>evil?
>the armor is black, with unnecessary spikes jutting out of the shoulders and back
>the helmet obscures the entire face, complete with a massive, messy black plume on the top and eye slits that glow green for some reason
>but why are they in your room?
>"WHERE IS THE HUMAN?"
>oh
>you sink your head back into the bathroom and hold the door open just a crack to see what's going on
>"Is that its room mate?"
>"What is it?"
>"A whale?"
>"I think it's a unicorn… mare?"
>"Wake it up!"
>only fucking Tumble Hooves could sleep through getting SWATted
>focus, Anon
>right
>so you'll just escape through the window in the bathroom
>you let the door shut and turn around
>there is no window in the bathroom
>fuck
>okay
>it's only a matter of time before someone else uses the bathroom and notices the wanted, six foot tall, hairless biped in here
>what the fuck are you even wanted for?
>is Twilight having you executed for slapping her?
>do princesses work like that here?
>you have to get out
>and you have to go out the bathroom door
>okay
>fuck
>you carefully open the door and sidestep out
>so far, no cries of "there he is"
>good
>all you have to do is creep down the hall now
>take really light steps so they don't hear you and look at you
>keep a really low profile so they think you're a quadruped if they do look at you
>sounds like a plan
>"THERE HE IS!"
>fuck
>you abandon your dreams of a metal gear escape and bolt straight forward, away from the evil-ized guards
>chase sequence music plays in your head as you round a corner and look about frantically
>you need to find a window or stairs or something
>there!
>the bingo room is open!
>there are tables you can hide under!
>nothing for it but to dash in and pray they don't round that corner before you're in
>you go for it
>"There! He went in that room!"
>fucking shitniggering cuntmonger fishfuck assnigger
>before you can even decide if it's worth hiding under a table, green-glowing eyeslits are staring at you from the doorway
>this is the end
>you wonder if Twilight will give you a last meal before magic-chopping your neck or whatever
>you wonder if you'll be able to request a steak
>now hang on a second there, you negative fucking nancy
>you know what else is in the bingo room?
>turning your head and glancing behind you answers that question
>windows!
>a guard whips out an evil-looking dark grey paper with big black writing on it
>you think you see his eyeslits narrow as he leans in closer to the paper in his hoof
>"A-Anony… Anonee.. Anonuh… Anono… human! You are under arrest as an enemy of the empire, by order of-"
>your mighty screech cuts him off as you make straight for a window
>for a split second as you're falling from two stories up with a glass shard in your shoulder, you consider that you may have made an unwise decision
>branches, leaves, stopping
>cracking, snapping, falling again
>you land hard on your back, facing up at the tree you were lucky enough to be jumping into
>hey, something had to go right today, it's only fair
>you've got a brief couple of minutes to recover while the guards make it down to the ground level and get outside
>in the meanwhile, you see that something is rotten in the state of Equestria
>for one thing, the sky is full of something that reminds you of Hollywood searchlights
>only instead of beams of light, it's like beams of dark are waving around in the air
>searchdarks
>and…
>hang on
>there is no way that black crystal statue of Sombra was always there
>oh
>oh holy fuck
>you get the feeling that your arrest wasn't under Twilight's authority
>somehow you feel that very little that was done today was done under Twilight's authority
>because this
>is the reign of the autism king

>"Halt! In the name of the king!"
>with that, your brief moment of respite is over
>an evil-ized guard is lunges at you without even bothering to see if you're going to comply
>your mad scramble to get out of his way results in his hoof leaving a crater in the tree you were under
>now that's not fucking normal
>sometimes you've fantasized about moments like this, imagining that you might give some sort of snarky one-liner before courageously facing your attackers
>this, however, is not a fantasy
>you shriek and frantically flee
>it is, of course, folly to believe you can outrun a gang of horses, let alone super-strong ones who can punch trees into splinters
>you see this as the guards run up in front and alongside of you, encircling you like sheepdogs would do for a runaway sheep
>oh hell
>you stop as hard as you can
>the guards advance a few yards before reacting, giving you an opportunity to change direction
>your mind hastily chooses a direction, hoping that this way takes you to the city proper so you can hide in an alley or something
>a few seconds later, however, you become aware of the fact that Canterlot is built on a mountain
>and you're barreling straight toward the edge of it
>the guards form a solid wall behind you, not allowing you the chance to change direction again
>there's just no fucking option here
>you have to slow down and stop before you fall off of that cliff face
>an anxious guard takes the opportunity to tackle you
>but he hits too hard
>your back cracks in the worst way as your body goes sailing right over the edge of the mountain
>looks like you're in for your second "lucky" break of the day
>you smash right into a tree trunk and freefall into some thick brush not too far below the edge of the city
>breathing is difficult, and movement is impossible
>there are voices above you
>"Where'd he go?"
>"Must've fallen."
>"What? Off of the mountain?"
>"Do you see another place to fall?"
>"Nice going, idiot."
>"It's not my fault, man! I can't get used to this whole dark magic thing; I've never been this strong before!"
>"Ugh. Well we can't just assume that he's dead til we find a body. We're gonna have to report this and get a search going."
>"Nice going, idiot."
>"It's not my fault, man!"
>"It's entirely your fault!"
>the sound of bickering disappears into the distance
>your body decides that there's no significant damage, and your spasming muscles release their tight grip on your lungs and appendages
>you take the opportunity to curl up into a fetal position
>what the fuck is going on?

Part 2: Anonymous Goes Incognito

>okay
>you have to get out of here before those guards in evil armor show up with a search party
>there is no way you're getting all the way down this mountain before they get here
>even if you could, Ponyville is still at least a day's walk from there, plus the issue of not being seen from the mountain
>not to mention that as the seat of a princess it's probably warranted a lot of evil guards of its own
>but the princess in question isn't there
>as of yesterday, according to Applejack, she was still in the Crystal Empire
>Applejack is probably still in Canterlot
>is she safe?
>if what she said about magic friendship beams or whatever is true, then she might be imprisoned right now
>hell, she might be imprisoned just for being Twilight's friend
>and the other four who are still in Ponyville might be in trouble too
>what about Amber?
>would she still be in Canterlot right now?
>could Sombra have found out she was talking to you?
>would she be okay?
>one thing you know about Sombra is that he fucking hates you, and judging by the events of today he probably hates Twilight and the pink princess too
>the other thing you know about Sombra is that he has some powerful autism
>it's difficult to put very much past him at this point
>it seems your only option for right now is to get back into Canterlot
>you'll have a rough fucking time blending in though, now won't you?
>maybe you can find some place to hide
>you crawl out of the bushes and hoist yourself up the short ledge to the city
>and you quickly realize that you may have some unrealistic expectations
>no sooner are you up than a stallion takes you in a bear hug and starts shouting
>"Guards! Guards! I've got the human! I've got-"
"Shut up!"
>you break out of the embrace quite easily
>"Ow!"
>too easily
>it's like he was barely gripping you
>"Oh no you don't!"
>experimentally, you kick the stallion in the face as he charges at you
>his limp body goes flying off into a garbage can, from which it proceed to emit low groaning noises
>huh
>the evil-ized guards all seemed to have super strength
>something something "dark magic"
>maybe you have it too?
>it was less than two weeks ago that Rainbow Dash took you to the gym
>you were definitely a lot weaker than the average pony back then
>and that stallion you just falcon kicked was noticeably bigger than average
>oh shit
>Anon, you have super powers!

>by now a crowd has formed to look at the alien who's stomping on the marble pavement to see what happens
>nothing happens
>it's not even louder than normal
>"Halt, creature!"
>the evil guards have gathered too
>they're currently charging at you, the streets cracking under their hooves
>yeah, whatever they've got, you don't
>fortunately, you have time enough to put a little bit of thought into where you want to run
>you opt for the nearest storefront
>flinging open the door, you dash inside and duck behind the cashier's counter
>the cashier mare gasps and yelps
"Don't say a word or I eat you."
>"E-eat me?!"
>it's good to be a giant monster
>the glass door shatters as guards pour in
>"Where did it go?"
>"Wh-where did what go?"
>"The creature!"
>"Oh, that. It, um, ran out the back way, over there!"
>crashing, clattering, breaking sounds ensue, followed by a slamming door
>you peek up over the counter before standing all the way up
>the cashier mare's face is scrunched in displeasure at her ruined store
>"They didn't even look where they were going! They just ran straight through everything! Can you believe it?"
>she looks up at you with her face still all a-scrunch
>"Did you notice anything funny about the guards today?"
"The evil armor? The super strength?"
>"No, no, no, besides that. They're all colorful now. Yesterday they were all white or gray, and now they're all colored ponies!"
"Uh, yeah, I guess they did look kind of pastel today."
>"Hmmm. And they ruined everything."
"Hey, uh, miss, I hope you don't me noticing, but I got an up-close view of your, uh, cutie mark down there, and I noticed it was solid black. Is that normal?"
>"It's been that way since this morning. Everyone's has. It used to be a sheet, for my linens shop. I think it's making me sick, I've been feeling weak all day!"
"Has everyone?"
>"Yeah."
"Huh. I've felt pretty much normal."
>so you probably don't have super strength
>"Hey, mister, were you really going to eat me?"
"Uh, no?"
>"Aren't you the thing that hit Princess Twilight?"
"Yeah."
>"You know, I don't really like that. But I wake up this morning and I see that all of the sudden there's this evil king in the Crystal Empire and he wants to catch you and I don't know what to think."
"Uh."
>"I don't like this King Sombra guy. I read about him in the news a couple of years ago, and now today he's in charge and I don't even know where the Princess is."
"I think Princess Twilight is in the Crystal Empire."
>"I mean Princess Celestia."
>Celestia?
>you think you've heard Twilight refer to her like a superior once
>she's probably like the main ruler or something
>"What are you gonna do?"
"Huh?"
>"You were Princess Twilight's friend, right? Are you gonna go to the Crystal Empire and rescue her? She always knows how to save the day!"
"Uh, I guess so."
>now that's a heroic phrase to accept an adventure with
>the cashier mare walks over to the glass storefront and pulls down some blinds over it
>"I can help with that. I could help you make a disguise to get on the train there, and bits for a ticket!"
"Uh, sure, thanks."
>"Eee! I'm gonna help save Equestria! Make sure you tell Princess Twilight my name when you see her; I'm Stocky Home."

>Stocky returns with a bundle of sheets and plops it down before you
>"Okay mister, if you wanna look like a pony, the first thing you're gonna have to do is stand normal."
"But I am standing normally."
>"No, no, I mean, like me. See?"
"On all fours?"
>"Sure."
>you get down on your hands and knees
>"Hmmm, you can't stand on your hoov- whatevers in the back there?"
>you stick your butt up in the air to demonstrate
>"Oh. Okay. Can you do a girl's voice?"
"Why?"
>"I'm thinking we're gonna have to make this look like a dress to cover up your hind legs."
"Uh, all right, lemme try… Tee hee, gee golly I sure do love tea parties and-"
>"No."
"Uh, okay, what if I… SOUND LIKE BIG RUSSIAN BABUSHKA?"
>"Like what?"
"Never mind. Does it work?"
>"I guess so."
>she drapes a long, pink sheet over your torso and legs
>"Okay, try not to back up too much in this."
>she pulls up another sheet around your arms and shoulders, obscuring your human form completely
>her hooves and teeth proceed to fiddle with a needle and thread
>"Ow! Ugh, why can't I sew today?"
"Probably because you're using those big hooves. Let me try, I've got fingers."
>"No! I could do this yesterday!"
"Maybe it's the cutie mark thing. Let me try."
>your nimble fingers make quick work of threading the needle, tying it off, and pulling the sheet back up around you
>"Okay, let me just…"
"Ow!"
>"Sorry, just a little bit…"
"Shit!"
>"Yeah, sorry, okay, and, then… there. Wow. That is really shoddy. Try not to make any sudden movements in it, okay?"
"… Right."
>"And now for the face."
>Stocky finds a pillowcase in the pile of linens and starts tearing at it with her teeth
"What are you-"
>she wraps part of it around your lower face
>there's something wet touching your lips
>gross, pony slobber
>another portion is wrapped around your forehead, and another is draped over it all and tied off like a headscarf
>"Perfect, and now for the finishing touch:"
>a pair of sunglasses finds its way into the mask over your eyes
>Stocky retrieves a hand mirror - hoof mirror? - from under the cashier counter and shows it to you
>"What do you think?"
"Do muslims exist in Equestria?"
>"What?"
"Never mind. I'll just say that it's cold in the Crystal Empire if anyone asks."
>"Sounds like a plan. Here's the bits for the train ride."
>a jingling bag is hung around your neck
>"Do you think you can get that and dump it out with your mouth through that cloth? Since you can't use your claws and all."
"I… I can try."
>"Okay, I think the train to the Crystal Empire is leaving in the next hour."
"Uh, thanks for everything then, I guess I'll just be-"
>"Oh, wait! One more thing!"
>she pulls out a photograph of Twilight and her friends
>"After Princess Twilight saves Equestria, do you think you could get her to sign this for me-my… my little sister? Sh-she'd really appreciate it."
"What's your little sister's name?"
>"Stocky Home."
"Isn't that your name?"
>"Y-yeah, w-w-well it's a common name!"
>she sticks her hoof under your dress
>"Now, I saw you had pockets. Here!"
>a piece of paper slides over the surface of your dick and rests there
"That is not my pocket!"
>"Oh, sorry. Leave that part out when you give it to the Princess, okay?"

>under your invisible man getup, you're wearing a very nervous smile
>across the ticket counter of the train station, a stallion with a thick mustache carries the ticket you've purchased in his hoof
>and on his face he carries a very cautious expression
>"And where did you say you were from again, uh, ma'am?"
>oh, come on, you made it all the way from the linens shop to this point without being noticed
>why do you have to get memed now?
"I-I am… of… Stalliongrad."
>on the way in you noticed that a lot of city names in Equestria are just horse puns on the names of Earth cities
>you seriously hope that makes "Stalliongrad" a real place
>"Oh yeah? I used to drive a train out there."
>naturally
"O-ohoho, yes, is very good."
>the fake accent, of course, is to hide the fake female voice you're putting on
>and the fake female voice is to justify the dress
>and the dress is to cover your human legs while you navigate on your hands and knees in your shoddy pony disguise
>and the shoddy pony disguise is to keep  evil, pastel guardponies with super strength from handing you over to the autism king, Sombra
>which is somehow the reason why you're going straight to Sombra's lair in the Crystal Empire
>"Well, you enjoy your trip north then, ma'am. Sorry for the fuss, but I was told to keep an eye out for a two-legged monster."
"Ohoho, t-two-leg monster? I-is old mare tale, pay no mind."
>"Eh, you might be right. But the country's under new management right now, and I can't just ignore an order. Here ya go."
>it's a bit of a trick to grab the ticket by your teeth through the cloth facemask, but you manage
>"And your train is that way."
>you make it over to the train, flash your ticket, and enter the train without further issue
>the further issue doesn't come until you try to take a seat
>aw shit, how are you supposed to make this happen?
>clambering up onto a chair will probably expose your human features
>and sitting like a pony for two hours sounds really fucking uncomfortable
>you're just gonna have to stand
>and by stand, you mean be on the ground on your hands and knees
>how do horses tolerate being quadrupeds?
>before long, the whistle blows
>and a couple of minutes after that, the train passes beyond the Canterlot city borders
>and with that, your grand escape from Canterlot is complete
>now you're gonna have to sit here and brainstorm
>because you've still got to infiltrate the Crystal Empire

Part 3: Well That Didn't Work

>screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
>you feel the train grinding to a halt
>oh hell
>you still don't feel like you've got a very great plan
>"This is the end of the line. Please clear your area of all your belongings and exit the train."
>welp
>you shuffle awkwardly off the train on your hands and knees
>the train platform is freezing cold under your bare hands
>was the Crystal Empire always so...
>black?
>the city, which was a sparkling bluish-white just a week ago, is now a hunk of glossy obsidian
>actually it looks really hard to visually navigate through
>in spite of that, it doesn't take you long to locate Sombra's evil lair
>it's the
>BIG
>BLACK
>TOWER
>right where the hideous castle you were in last week was
>okay
>as of right now, the plan is more or less to see if you can just waltz in through the front door
>or crawl right in, given your disguise
>it's not a terribly long walk to the tower
>the guards greet you and hold the door open as you painstakingly ascend the staircase
>looks like you can just crawl in
>"Here you go, ma'am."
"Many thank yous, yes, very nice boys."
>immediately you're in the throne room
>actually, you recognize it as the foyer from last week
>but it looks like Sombra put his throne in here for some sort of public court
>"Oh, oh, look your highness, a petitioner!"
>looks like you're the only one taking advantage of this
>Sombra, adorned in steel armor and a red cape, growls from his throne
>what happened to his horn?
>it's bent
>is that from jerking it off too much or something?
>and his fucking eyes are spewing green gas
>that can't be healthy
>Sombra growls again
>a guard, evidently serving as an autist-to-english translator, speaks up
>"State your business, peasant."
>oh fuck
>what the fuck were you gonna do?
"Uh... I... um..."
>with what was intended to be one swift motion, you tear off your disguise and stand up
>in reality it took about a minute of flailing and clawing
>you stand erect and point at Sombra
"I have you now!"
>...
>what have you done?
>"The human!"
>"How did he do that?"
>"Everyone knows humans are shapeshifters!"
>"But how does he still have magic?"
>"Grrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaagghhhh..."
>"Yes, your highness. The human's execution shall be stayed until we discover the nature of his strange shapeshifting powers."
"Wait, I'm not a-"
>a bolt of opaque, green magic hits you in the face
>your body hits the floor
>unconsciousness hits your brain

Part 4: The Autistishank Redemption

>there's a soft hoof on your face, gently shaking your head
>there's a pair of deep purple eyes staring into your own
>the eyes are embedded in a light purple face
>there are words coming from the face
>"Anon? Anon? Are you waking up?"
"Uh, Twilight?"
>"Okay it looks like you didn't suffer any head trauma. I wasn't sure, because you look pretty beat up."
"Oh… no… I just… jumped out of a building… and then off of a cliff."
>everything is still pretty groggy
>no, wait, it's just you that's groggy
>you shake your head to clear it up
>"You what?"
"The guards. They were trying to get me."
>"Looks like they did."
"Yeah, but not before I waltzed right into the castle."
>time seems to be moving at its usual pace again
>"Why would you do something like that?"
"I was coming to rescue you."
>Twilight cocks her head
>"Why?"
"Applejack visited me the other day. She said that you deal with this sort of thing with friendship beams or something."
>"Oh, yeah, I guess I do, with the help of my friends."
>this whole conversation feels painfully awkward
>it's probably about time you addressed the elephant in the…
>you look around at your surroundings
>…dungeon cell
"I-I'm s-"
>"Anon, we need to-"
"Y-you go first."
>"About our last… altercation. Is that what you were going to say?"
"Yeah."
>"You're sorry?"
"Yeah."
>"Anon, don't be. I'm the one… I figured out later that Sombra threw hot water at your face, I was just…"
"N-no. No matter how you look at, I was wrong to-"
>a gag rings out from behind you
>"Ugh, can you both just be wrong and cut the mushy stuff?"
>there, in the cell directly across from yours, stands Spike, the baby dragon who snores like a freight train, standing with his stubby arms crossed over his puffed-out chest
"Oh, uh, Spike's here."
>"That's right. And for the record, it was me who stopped Sombra last time, not Twilight."
>"With. My. Help. Of course."
>Twilight's eye twitches
>"In any case, Anon, I'm sorry, and I forgive you."
"D-do people really just… forgive each other like that?"
>"Friends do. Especially friends who are slated for execution in the next week. We need to find a way to escape and stop Sombra right now."
"Oh, uh, well then, uh, m-me too then. What's your plan for getting out of here?"

"Well then what's your plan?"
>Twilight's ears flatten against her head
>"Well, strictly speaking, I don't have one. It's just difficult with what's going on right now."
"Oh, I meant to ask you. What exactly is going on right now?"
>Twilight sighs
>"Sombra managed to infuse the entire Crystal Empire with dark magic. In so doing, he's reversed the magical polarity of all of Equestria, so that dark magic is stronger than light magic."
"Uh, which means?"
>"For the vast majority of ponies, it means no magic, no flight, no strength, and no special talent. For a master of the dark arts like Sombra, it means enhanced magic, strength, and special talent. The crystal ponies also get enhanced abilities, but their minds are corrupted and under Sombra's control. You probably noticed that in the guards who tried to capture you."
>Spike pipes up
>"And no fire for dragons."
"Those were crystal ponies? They weren't very crystally."
>"They wouldn't be, under the influence of all this dark magic, but their bodies still have the magical properties of crystal."
"Magical properties?"
>"Crystal is highly absorbent to magic, and once it's got a magical charge it produces and radiates whatever magic is inside of it. That's how this whole problem works."
"Why the hell were you keeping Sombra in a city of crystal then?"
>Twilight puts her hoof up and opens her mouth
>she puts her hoof back down and closes her mouth
>"That's a good question."
"Anyway, why don't you just put some good magic in a crystal and use that to make things normal or something?"
>"Have you been listening to me? I'd do something like that, but I can't do any magic right now. Watch."
>Twilight's horn glows purple, but nothing else happens
>"See? I can't even wiggle your shoelaces."
>hmmm…
"But you can make your horn glow."
>"What?"
>you reach over to the evil black wall and break off an intimidating yet impractical spike
>"How did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't on there very securely."
>"No, I mean, remember what I said? No strength."
"Well that all has something to do with magic, doesn't it?"
>"And there's… no…  magic where you're from!"
"Right."
>"Non-magical strength! Non-magical talents! Anon, do you realize what this means?"
"I've got a feeling."
>"Anon, right now, you might just be the strongest and most talented being in all of Equestria!"
>oh fuck, why
>considering that you're completely DYEL and totally useless, that's saying a fucking lot
>Spike speaks
>"You mean, except for Sombra and his army of darkness?"
>Twilight calms down a bit
>"Oh, that's true."
"Yeah, well, not for long."
>you touch the crystal to Twilight's horn
"Magic this thing up."
>Twilight's horn glows purple
>the purple coloring slowly creeps through the crystal, displacing the black
>it's working
>Twilight's horn stops glowing
>she bows her head and pants with fatigue
>"It's no good. My magic isn't strong enough to take root."
>well shit

>Twilight sighs and claws at the ground with her hoof
>"If my cutie mark was working I might have been able to pull this off."
>her cutie mark?
"Oh, you know, I meant to ask you once, what does your cutie mark mean?"
>"It's magic, and it'd really give me the boost I need right about now."
"So your talent is magic, but you're the "princess of friendship?"
>"Well, friendship is magic, you know. It's a very powerful form of magic."
>Twilight sits down
>and then gets back up
>"Wait, that's it!"
"What's it?"
>Twilight lays her horn on the crystal in your hand and rests a hoof on your waist
>"Okay, Anon, be my friend!"
"What? Twilight, it's not that simple. I can't just 'be' your friend."
>"You're wrong, Anon. It is that simple. Friendship is a choice. It's a decision. It's a realization!"
"What?"
"You just have to believe. You… you have to care!"
"What? Twilight, stop."
>"Didn't I ever tell you how I met my friends?"
"No."
>Twilight groans
>"Remind me to do that sometime. The important part is, when it mattered most, I just… decided to–to-to-to let them in-in-into my heart, to realize and-and accept them as my friends, then…"
>she's getting really worked up about this
"Then what?"
>"Then our magic came to light, and we saved Equestria from eternal darkness,"
>you don't completely understand what she's on about
>but since she's getting so excited over it
>and since it might just get you out of here
>you're willing to give it a try
"Okay, Twilight, you are my friend. Twilight Sparkle is my friend."
>nothing happens
>"Ugh, Anon, you don't believe a word you're saying! You're too afraid! You're not letting me in! Anon, you have to-"
>Twilight rears up on her hindlegs, wraps her forelegs around your midsection, and lays her head against your chest
>"-relax…"
>for a moment you do the exact opposite of what she says, tensing up to the point of spasm
>but your hands find their way to the back of her neck
>and you breathe out
>you're vaguely conscious of the fact that Spike is making a gagging sound
>but mostly, you're conscious of the warm body pressed tightly against your own
>and finally, you're conscious of a brilliant light
>Twilight's horn is glowing with all the colors of the rainbow
>she lets go, gets back on all fours, and smiles up at you
>"People like you were  - and like I was, a long time ago - tend to over-complicate the concept of true friendship. That, right there, is all there is to it."
>her words coax you out of a trance-like state
"I feel like you cheated a little."
>Twilight laughs, and lays her horn on the crystal shard again
>in seconds, a swirling, shifting rainbow of color displaces all the blackness away from the stone and fuses into a brilliant white.
>that's it

Part 5: The Escape

>Twilight's horn glows purple once again
>and so does the crystal, which zips around the cell joyously
>"It worked! In the immediate vicinity of this crystal, the magical polarities are normal! I can do magic!"
>Twilight cranes her neck around and swings her ass in front of her face expectantly
>she sighs and frowns
>"But my cutie mark is still missing."
>you chance a glance at the pony's plot and see that her cutie mark is indeed still replaced with a dark silhouette
>Twilight rubs her chin thoughtfully
>"Hmm… I'm going to need that for what I'm planning."
>she looks at you
>and your hands
>and gets a bright idea
>the crystal is magically pressed into your hand
>"Here, Anon, rub this on my cutie mark."
>wait
>you look at Twilight's cutie mark
>and back her face
>and back at her ass - er, cutie mark
>and back at her face
"Is that really what friends do?"
>"Huh? Of course. I need my talent working."
"I-in front of Spike?"
>"What? Oh, Anon, stop making this weird."
"Uh, all right."
>tentatively, you hold the crystal against her cutie mark
>trying not to notice how soft Twilight's rear end is, you rub the crystal up and down it
>"Harder, Anon, really get in there."
>goodness fucking shit
>your heart is trying to jackhammer its way out of your torso
>you press the crystal in harder and move your hand in circles
>a cold sweat breaks out on your forehead when she lets out a throaty moan in response
>you look over at Spike, who's staring wide-eyed
>shit fucking damn it
>just how unaware can this horse possibly be?
>"Hey, Anon, how's it looking back there? Does my cutie mark look normal yet?"
"Oh, right, uh-"
>yep, the pink and lavender star is right back where it should be
"Yeah."
>"Great. I'll get started on the spell; you get started on the other side."
>oh fuck
>there's two of them

>Twilight's horn glows, and then burns with light
>she closes her eyes, and opens them again to reveal that they're also expelling bright lights
>the air blows and whirls and burns and sparks
>and then five little ponies materialize directly above your head
>naturally, you have no time to get out of the way before they fall
>it takes you a moment to realize that the ponies who form a heap on you also form the main body of Twilight's friends
>Twilight barks out an order
>"All right, girls, group hug, right now! Anon, go break off more crystals."
>the girls groan in pain and confusion
>but Pinkie Pie pipes up
>"Come on, you heard her: group hug! Aren't we all glad to see each other again?"
>you're grateful when the pink blur snatches the ponies off of your back and rushes them over to Twilight
>you quickly set about breaking crystal spikes off of the wall
>"Well o' course we are, Pinkie, it's jus'… aw, shucks."
>you've gotten maybe a dozen spikes off when a bright light from behind you tells you that Twilight got the result she was looking for
>"That'll do, Anon. Bring those over here."
>you comply, laying the crystals down before Twilight, who lays a rainbow-colored horn on them
>just as before, the result is a pile of brilliant white crystals
>Twilight distributes one to each of her friends and grins
>"Feeling better?"
>Applejack shakes her leg and thinks
>"Mightily. What just happened?"
>Pinkie Pie butts in
>"I'll tell you what happened! They locked me up in a prison! Can you believe it?"
>Rainbow Dash squints
>"I'm pretty sure they locked all of us up, Pinkie. What Applejack means is how did Twilight get around Sombra's magic-draining thing."
>Twilight gestures at you
>"Anon came to save me. He offered me his friendship and helped me get you here."
>Pinkie Pie pulls a tissue out of seemingly nowhere and cries an
>"Awwwwwwwwww!"
>Rainbow Dash flies up to be eye-level with you
>"Oh, so we're cool with Anon now? Nothing personal kiddo, but I was gonna beat you up next time I saw you."
"Th-that sounds highly personal."
>"Yes, Rainbow. Anonymous is my friend."
>Rarity taps at the bars of the cell
>"Not to ruin a touching moment or anything, but what exactly are we going to do next?"
>"I'm glad you asked, Rarity. My plan is fairly simple. We break out of here, make for the Crystal Heart, which should still be in the center of the ground floor, and infuse it with friendship. That alone won't be enough to undo all of this, so from there we take the Heart to Sombra, and-"
>Rainbow interjects
>"-And we blast him?"
>"More or less, yes. And while we're doing this, Anon and Spike will take the extra crystals and expose Sombra to them. This should weaken him and free the crystal ponies from his mind control, which makes our job much easier."
>Spike has an objection
>"Why me?"
>"Because someone has to do it, and I don't want just one of you doing it alone."
>Applejack rears up
>"Let's get to it."
>Twilight looks at you again
>"Hold on. First we need to restore your cutie marks. Anon, would you?"
"Wh-what? The same thing I did with you?"
>"Of course."
>oh fuck

Part 6: The End

>Sombra's makeshift throne room is just around the corner
>the girls should be getting to the Crystal Heart soon
>you know, Twilight never actually explained what a "Crystal Heart" was
>whatever
>you gesture to Spike that you're going to move
>he doesn't get it
>"What?"
>of course, living in a society of ungulates would be somewhat detrimental to one's understanding of hand gestures
>you move around the corner, crystals in-hand
"COME 'N' 'AVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE 'ARD ENUFF!'"
>it got Sombra's attention
>but, of course, he doesn't get the reference, and stares at you awkwardly
>Spike tentatively follows you out
>"Anon, what are you- oh…"
>Sombra growls
>his translator shouts
>"Get the monsters!"
>"Hey! I'm not a monster, I'm adorable!"
>you hold out some crystals
"Stay back!"
>the guards who approach you groan and collapse
>friendship is some scary shit, man
>Sombra jumps from his throne and approaches you
>experimentally, you throw a crystal at him
>at once, all of the guards collapse
>so you throw another
>and another
>Spike does the same with his
>Sombra lies on the ground, clutching at his head
>a familiar female voice cries out from behind you
>"Okay girls, now!"
>a massive rainbow arcs from behind you into Sombra
>actually, you've never seen rainbows be so terrifying
>he cries out
>and stands up
>his body transforms into…
>into a massive shadow
>the rainbow turns black and disintegrates
>Sombra roars
>someone, you can't tell who, is worried
>"Twilight, why didn't it work?"
>"There's… there's too much pain. Too much loneliness! This is why the Crystal Heart needed the entire Crystal Empire to cast him out; we can't do it on our own!"
>the shadow wraps a tendril around you and picks you up
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey buddy! There's no need for this!"
>for once, Sombra speaks in a complete sentence
>"You don't understand."
>Twilight's voice cries something out
>but you can't make it out, because the tendril pulls you into the shadow
>you're surprised to find yourself in a classroom full of crystal schoolponies
>your attention is drawn to a single colt, silvery like a diamond, yet alone in the corner with nobody around
>the scene changes to a hallway with lockers
>that same colt, now a teenager, no longer seems quite so crystalline
>you're in a laboratory
>he's a stallion now, and completely dull and grey
>he's evidently completed some sort of experiment
>he looks around excitedly
>but there's nobody to share his achievement with
>the scene changes again
"Okay, that's enough, I get it."
>you wave your arms and find yourself face to face with Sombra in the shadow
"I understand perfectly. Don't you fucking say I don't, because as far as I can tell we're the same damn person."
>you think about what you just said
"Except I'm lazier than you, and you're magical."
>Sombra hisses at you
"Don't give me that shit you autistic fuck. I'm serious. Read my mind or something; you'll see. And, looking back through my lonely, pathetic life, I see now that there are moments when I could have chosen not to be alone. When people reached out to me. And I'm willing to bet you've had the same fucking thing."
>he goes back to hissing
"Oh yeah? How about your mother? I saw the way she dotes on you, fucko."
>the shadow begins to dissipate
>"Or what about Twilight and the other princess? They offered you friendship and look at how you fucking re-payed them."
>you can vaguely make out Twilight's voice calling to you
>"And Twilight's out there right now. You know she just helped me out a lot, and I'm pretty sure she helped out an even nastier fuck than you once, so stop with the dumb shit and go talk to her."
>the shadow is gone
>Sombra looks like an ordinary pony
"Yeah, yeah that's it. Let's shake on it."
>you stick out your hand at him
>he looks at it silently

>to your incredible surprise, a purple blur leaps into Sombra's face and hits him over the head with a crystal shard
>immediately, Sombra's whole body is absorbed into the crystal, and the city casts off its black robes for its usual bluish hue
>Spike the dragon triumphantly holds the crystal over his head
>Sombra can be seen inside the crystal, furiously pounding at its sides and screeching
"Spike, what the f-"
>the crystal ponies cast off their armor and lift spike up on their hooves
>"Spike, the glorious and brave, has saved us once again!"
>"Let's build him another statue!"
>"Huzzah!"
>the crowd carries Spike off into the city
>Twilight stares off speechlessly at him
"So, uh, Twilight, is it possible to, uh, get him out of there?"
>she sighs
>"Sure. It'd take me about a thousand years, but I could do it."
"Oh, well, at least he'll be friendly when he gets out."
>Pinkie interjects
>"Or he could feel totally betrayed and completely reject everything you told him!"
"W-well, if that's a thousand years from now, at least it's not our problem."
>Twilight sighs again
>"It's my problem. I'm an immortal alicorn princess."
>Applejack winks
>"It's Spike's problem too then. He's a dragon."
>Rainbow Dash scratches at the back of her head
>"Yeah… I wouldn't worry about it too much."
>for the third time, Twilight sighs
>"You're right. I have other matters to attend to."
>she looks at you
>"Like you. Anon, I free you from my servitude. From here on out, you are no longer my vassal, but my friend. You're free to set up your big tent again."
>Fluutershy gasps
>"You enslaved him?!"
>"Well, it's not exactly the same thing… It was for his own good!"
>the discussion devolves into a five-way debate over the ethics of feudal serfdom
>the only one not partaking is Applejack
>she grins at you
>"You did all right, Mr. Nonermous."
"Thanks."
>she looks at her friends, and looks back at you with a sly smile
>"You wanna see if we can't sneak off to the train while they're a-bickerin'?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

>it's been two years since you arrived in Equestria
>after the most eventful two weeks of your life, you didn't have to move back into the yurt
>Twilight and her… and your friends were more than happy to commission a real house for you
>in the time since, you've been waiting for Amber Ember to visit you
>news of the events made it pretty clear that you were going back to Ponyville, so she probably knows where you are
>you've considered asking Twilight if she can find out where Amber is
>but it doesn't feel right
>it's up to her to visit you
>she just hasn't
>it's not like you're completely alone though
>currently, you're snuggled up on your couch with Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship
>she shifts and looks up at you
>"Hey Anon."
"Yeah?"
>"Do you wanna move back into the castle?"
"Why do you ask?"
>"Well, I've picked up another student of friendship. You could be helpful in training her; I think you may have met her at Pinkie's party."
"Oh, come on, don't bring up the party. I probably don't remember her."
>"Well, I first met her before that, when she was, uh, enslaving a village."
"What?"
>"And I met her again the other day, when she made it so I never met my friends and destroyed the timeline."
"What?!"
>"And I'm just, you know, trying to set her straight, you know?"
>goodness fucking shit
>she's trying to reform another villain
"Twilight."
>"What?"
"Not this shit again."

THE END