Housei's Rap Battle Challenge ENG

<NARRATOR> Backstage before the recording session...

<TEXT> (Left) Downtown, Masatoshi Hamada, Hitoshi Matsumoto (Right) Cocorico, Shozo Endo, Naoki Tanaka

<NARRATOR> One man is nowhere to be found…

<MATSUMOTO> His hip hurts…

<HAMADA> Whose?

<MATSUMOTO> Tanaka's.

<TANAKA> I have pain in my lower back.

<MATSUMOTO> What happened?

<TANAKA> Some time ago on this program, I had to carry Heipo on my shoulders.

<MATSUMOTO> Oh, that was quite a few years ago.

<TEXT> Broadcasted on the 30th of November 2003, Heipo Rodeo

<TANAKA> Uh, ten years…

<HAMADA> Your back still hurts since then?

<MATSUMOTO> 15… wasn’t it around 20 years ago?

<TANAKA> Sounds about right.

<HAMADA> Seriously?
You should demand compensation.

<TANAKA> From Heipo? Should I write him a letter?

<MATSUMOTO> Make him face his consequences.

<TANAKA> I can’t do that.
Housei’s here.

<HAMADA> Good morning.

<MATSUMOTO> Greet us properly.

<HOUSEI> Sorry.

<HAMADA + MATSUMOTO> What the hell is “Yo, Yo”.

<MATSUMOTO> You’ve got to greet us properly.

<HOUSEI> But the way I greeted you was fit for a rapper.
I thought about it last night, and I’ve decided to become a rapper.
I’ve gotten a really good grasp on the Japanese language.
Since I’ve been trained in rakugo, I have great command of the Japanese language and its rhythm. Isn’t that perfect for rap?
Note: Rakugo is a form of stand-up comedy involving a single storyteller who sits on stage and singlehandedly acts out a narrative.

<HOUSEI> Let’s head into town right now.
I’ll be wearing this outfit, and when people approach us from the front of town…

<HAMADA + MATSUMOTO + ENDO> The ‘front’ of town?

<MATSUMOTO> You really have no grasp on this language!
The ‘front’ of town…

<HOUSEI> So once they approach us, I’ll diss them.
I’ll diss them one by one and maybe get into a few brawls.
And once they’ve been provoked, I’ll traumatise them completely.

<HAMADA> With your rapping…

<HOUSEI> With my rapping.

<MATSUMOTO> So without using violence…

<HOUSEI> No, there won’t be any violence.

<MATSUMOTO> No violence.

<HOUSEI> I’ll traumatise them all with my rapping skills.
So, could I get you all to get changed?

<MATSUMOTO> We’re not getting involved in this.

<HAMADA> I don’t know you.

<HOUSEI> Just more or less… Look.
I’ll do all the talking, and you guys can be my hype men.
But I’ll be doing everything, of course. I’ll put on my toughest expression. Agreed?

<MATSUMOTO> I have a feeling this won’t be able to be broadcasted.

<TEXT> DOWNTOWN’S GAKI NO TSUKAI YA ARAHENDE!!

Note: Translation, timing, typesetting credits here

<TEXT> HOUSEI TSUKITEI’S RAP BATTLE CHALLENGE!! Can he win against people in the shopping district!?

<TEXT> (Top) HOUSEI TSUKITEI’S RAP BATTLE CHALLENGE!!

<NARRATOR> Going along with the flow of the rhythm and battling his opponent with nothing but words,
Housei expresses his desire to hold a rap battle challenge!

<NARRATOR> Amidst the terrible, rainy weather,
the members, who have finished changing, follow Housei to the shopping district.

<MATSUMOTO> Is this really okay?
Can we really diss our audience?
It’s important that we keep an audience.

<HAMADA> Oi you guys, this isn’t right.
If you’re wearing that you might get recognised, people will follow you.
Why am I the only one wearing a wig for disguise?

<HOUSEI> Um, can you take the wig off, please?

<HAMADA> Wait a minute, that’s kind of… It’s a nice wig…!

<HOUSEI> We’re disguised as rappers, it’ll be fine.

<TANAKA> We’re rappers, aren’t we?

<MATSUMOTO> Do you want to wear the wig that badly?

<HAMADA> No, no, no!

<MATSUMOTO> He really wants to wear it.

<HOUSEI> Just take that thing off already!
I’m begging you!
Let's do this properly…!

<MATSUMOTO + ENDO> Yes, you should.

<HOUSEI> He’s definitely going to run off by himself!

<HAMADA> No I’m not!

<TANAKA>  This undedicated person?

<HOUSEI> That’s right!

<HAMADA> Don’t mess with me!

<TANAKA> No sense of teamwork! None…!

<HAMADA> What the hell…

<TEXT> (Top) *Thunder* (Bottom) A lightning storm

<HOUSEI + MATSUMOTO> Wait, wait, wait, wait!

<MATSUMOTO> Shouldn’t we stop filming? It’s going to be real noisy.

<HOUSEI> No, we’re not stopping.
This actually just builds the atmosphere.

<MATSUMOTO> Well, yeah. It’ll raise the tension.

<HOUSEI> That’s right. It adds to the vibe.
We haven’t done anything like this for a while so we’ve got to make a grand entrance.

<MATSUMOTO> That’s right.

<HOUSEI> Even so…

<HAMADA> We’ll try our best.

<HOUSEI> Wait – wait – wait a minute.
Before we start, you need to practice being my hype men.
Can you give me a demonstration?

<ENDO> A rapper’s hype men?

<HOUSEI> Yep. Just like that.

<MATSUMOTO> I’m good at this, right?

<HOUSEI> Absolutely not.

<MATSUMOTO> It’s like this, isn’t it? This rapping motion.
Bring it!

<HOUSEI> Honestly, Cocorico are the best at this.

<ENDO> Aren’t we?

<MATSUMOTO> So who’s the worst?

<HOUSEI> You can tell just by watching. Isn’t it obvious?
This colourful guy!

<MATSUMOTO> Apart from him, we’re all good, aren’t we?

<HOUSEI> So while I’m rapping, you’ll be going like…

<TEXT> *Thunder*

<TANAKA + ENDO> Let’s stop filming!

<TANAKA> Wouldn’t it be better if we stopped now?

<MATSUMOTO> Let’s just go to a café.

<HOUSEI> No, we’re still doing this.

<MATSUMOTO> This isn’t the type of weather we can shoot in. Let’s just go to a café.

<HAMADA> The thunder will keep getting louder and louder.

<HAMADA + MATSUMOTO> Like “whaaaa!”
Note: Imitating the sound of thunder

<TANAKA> Nope. Nope. Let’s get out of here. I don’t want that to happen.

<HAMADA> It’s definitely gonna happen!

<TEXT> RAP BATTLE START

<NARRATOR> Amongst the rolling thunder, Housei’s challenge starts now!

<HOUSEI> Say ho… ho…!

<ENDO> It’s coming along! Terrific!
He’s getting into it!
Aren’t you an amazing rapper!

<HOUSEI> Aren’t I?

<MATSUMOTO> But it probably looks like we’re searching for a fight.

<HOUSEI> Alright, someone come at me! Anybody will do.

<TEXT> *Thunder*

<TEXT> Battle 1 Housei Tsukitei VS Greengrocer

<GREENGROCER> I’ve caught you! I’ve caught you!
I’ve caught you outside with Gaki no Tsukai!
The peak in your career was 5 years ago!
When you got whipped with a piece of burdock 5 years ago!

<TANAKA> It’s heating up!

<HAMADA> How bad is his comeback gonna be?

<HOUSEI> What the hell do you know about the peak in my career?
You know absolutely nothing about me!
Absolutely, absolutely nothing!
Oh, what the hell did you just say?
I couldn’t hear what you said at all, YO!

<HAMADA> This isn’t going to happen today.

<MATSUMOTO> Alright, let’s leave.
He really sucks.
I’m not getting into this at all.

<GREENGROCER> Your popularity has gone straight down!
Your acting skills have gone straight down!
The only show you’re a regular on is Gaki no Tsukai!

<MATSUMOTO> Oh, he’s good.

<GREENGROCER> It’s as simple as that! I pity you!
When you gonna quit? Quit Gaki no Tsukai! (x3)

<HOUSEI> That guy scared me more than I expected.

<MATSUMOTO> He must do this a lot.

<ENDO> He wrecked you.

<HOUSEI> What did I even say during that?

<MATSUMOTO> Nobody remembers. Not even the audience.
Nothing that you said left any kind of impression.

<TANAKA> Your impact was really...

<MATSUMOTO> All I really heard was the thunder rolling up above.
It's probably gonna do that every time you get into a battle.

<TEXT> UTTERLY DEFEATED

<NARRATOR> With no good points in his rap, Housei was utterly defeated.

<HAMADA> It's really pouring down.

<TANAKA> It just keeps falling.

<MATSUMOTO> Let's quit!

<HOUSEI> We're not quitting.
Not quitting.

<TANAKA> We're gonna keep at it?

<HOUSEI> This is actually great.
I mean, if we were doing it outside I would want to quit too.
But we're not really outside.
We're doing it under the shade.

<HAMADA> Someone's coming.

<ENDO> Oi, seriously?

<TEXT> Battle 2 Housei Tsukitei VS Old Lady

<TANAKA> Seriously?

<ENDO> You've got to be kidding.

<OLD LADY> Summer this year has been ridiculously hot, it's pissing me off!
I can't sleep at night because I'm soaked with sweat,
Mosquitoes bite me, it's itchy! Itchy!
My appetite goes down, somen is more than enough for one meal!
Yo, don't you think so too?
What the hell do you think?

<TANAKA> This is your chance. Make a comeback.

<ENDO> You'd better win this one.

<TANAKA> He's starting, he's starting.

<HOUSEI> Where is your house even at?
What you just said was completely wrong!
The location of your house is completely wrong!
Do you even know why you have to go to work?
Most of your friends are bad people, Yo!

<HAMADA> He sucks.
Arrest him.

<OLD LADY> I'm fed up with how hot this summer has been!
I'm fed up with my husband's low salary!
I'm fed up with my useless son!
But Housei, I'm fed up with you the most!

<MATSUMOTO> Oh, that was good.

<OLD LADY> Good-for-nothing summer!

<MATSUMOTO> Say something back.

<OLD LADY> Hey! Good-for-nothing summer!

<MATSUMOTO + TANAKA> Good-for-nothing summer!

<HOUSEI> Good-for-nothing summer!

<MATSUMOTO> He went along with it!

<OLD LADY + HOUSEI> Good-for-nothing summer!

<ENDO> She won.
The old lady won.

<OLD LADY> Good-for-nothing summer!

<HAMADA> I think she definitely won.

<TANAKA> I think you lost just now.

<OLD LADY> Good-for-nothing summer! (x2)

<HAMADA> Yep. You... you lost...!

<MATSUMOTO> She came up with a really good phrase, that "Good-for-nothing summer".

<OLD LADY> Good-for-nothing summer!

<MATSUMOTO> See, she said it again.
Wow, amazing.
I think your rap phrases lack originality.

<HAMADA> You need phrases that people will take in.

<HOUSEI> Actually, I'm hungry so...
I'm hungry so my rhythm is bad at the moment.

<HAMADA> So you're saying that you'll do better after you eat something?

<HOUSEI> Yes!

<NARRATOR> For the sake of Housei, who claims that his rhythm is being affected by hunger, the members take a break at a soba restaurant.

<WAITER> Thank you for waiting!
5 seiro sobas.

<MATSUMOTO> How do you think we went?

<WAITER> Here are your 5 seiro sobas.

<HOUSEI> I dissed them real good.

<MATSUMOTO> Did he really?

<ENDO> No, I don't think you dissed them that well...

<MATSUMOTO> It kind of feels like you're at a disadvantage.

<HAMADA> Housei stole that old lady's phrase at the very end there.

<MATSUMOTO> They started rapping together.
He took her best phrase and kind of went along with it.
Maybe he'll do better after we finish eating.

<TANAKA> This soba looks delicious!

<HOUSEI> It's because I was hungry. I'm just hungry.

<TEXT> Battle 3 Housei Tsukitei VS Salaryman

<SALARYMAN> Yo, hold up, hold up, do we have here the comedian who changed his name?
Your new name... uh... what was it again?
Your name change leaves no impression at all!
Nobody knows your new name!
What's your name anyway?

<HAMADA> What the hell...

<HOUSEI> So you don't know my name?
Where did you guys even come from?
Tell me, that's all I'm interested in knowing
Before you move on
Where the hell did you guys come from?
Cause I have no idea

<SALARYMAN> No one cares about your new name! (x3)

<HAMADA> How many times did you say that?

<TANAKA> He was really leading you on.

<HAMADA> Those two old ladies were great.

<OLD LADY> This is delicious.

<MATSUMOTO> About those old ladies just before...
Were you trying to get their addresses or something?

<ENDO> How many times did you say "Where did you come from?"

<MATSUMOTO> That "Where did you come from?".
Can you really say that?
He sucks, doesn't he?

<TANAKA> Absolutely.

<MATSUMOTO> Saying that is no good. He's really bad at this.

<HOUSEI> I didn't quite know what to say...

<TANAKA> You had nothing to say?

<HOUSEI> I really didn't.

<NARRATIVE> Defeated 3 times in a row with his unmemorable raps, Housei heads into the shopping district once again.

<HOUSEI> Let's try to win at least once.

<ENDO> At least once.

<HOUSEI> What's this?

<HAMADA> High school girls...

<TEXT> Battle 4 Housei Tsukitei VS 3 high school girls

<GIRLS> Well, well, what do we have here? Yamasaki?
Totally boring as always (Obviously)
Well, well, haven't you gotten skinnier?
But in the end, you still look gross (Obviously)

<MATSUMOTO> Tell him!

<HOUSEI> Y'all, y'all, what do y'all even know?
I don't think you know anything at all, Yo!
What do y'all even know?
That's right, nothing at all!
Your pigtails are dragging the value of your punchlines
Down, down, down, down!

<ENDO> Doesn't this suck?

<TANAKA> He can't rap at all.

<GIRLS> Baldy! (repeated)
Your body just keeps on deteriorating!
You're becoming an old man, hahaha!
Your sense of humour just keeps on deteriorating!
You're becoming an old man, hahaha!
Hahahahahahaha!

<TANAKA> Make a comeback, make a comeback!

<HAMADA> He's crying.

<TANAKA> He started crying.

<MATSUMOTO> Your face looks like Ichiro Mizuki.
Note: Ichiro Mizuki is a singer famous for writing anime theme songs.

<TEXT> (Black) After the break (Red) That man joins the rap battle

<ENDO> In the depths of despair.

<MATSUMOTO> In the depths of despair, he ends up looking like Ichiro Mizuki.

<TANAKA> Honestly, Housei...

<NARRATOR> Who is the next opponent for Housei, who has not been able to construct a memorable rap up until now!?

<HOUSEI> I'm good at heating up the opponent and then beating them down.

<TEXT> Battle 5 Housei Tsukitei VS Parent and child

<HAMADA> Seriously? These time of people are joining in too?

<CHILD> Wow! Wow! It's Downtown!
Wow! Wow! It's Cocorico!
They're really, really, really cool!
I love them, yay yay!
Boo, boo, Housei boo!
Boo, boo, Housei boo!
Really boring, seriously annoying!

<ENDO> Do your best, Housei!

<HOUSEI> Don't make such grand claims,
While your nose is running! Your nose is running Yo!
Your nose is running Yo!

<PARENT + CHILD> When Housei shows up on TV, change the channel!
When Housei shows up on TV, change the channel!
Z-A-P-P-I-N-G, change the channel! (repeated)

<HOUSEI> Your noses are running!
Running, running, running! (repeated)

<HAMADA> You're the worst.
No, you failed.

<MATSUMOTO> Don't say "Your nose is running".
You didn't go with the rhythm at all.
The only thing you said was "running, running, running, running"!

<TEXT> Battle 6 Housei Tsukitei VS Old man

<OLD MAN> Hey, hey, Housei! Housei! Yay, yay!
Listen to my dream yo, yay, yay!
My dream is to collect figurines, yay, yay!
Housei, let me listen to your dream too, yay!

<HOUSEI> My dream is to live in room full of curtains, Yo!
Do you get it? Do you understand?
I want a lot of curtains in the room!
And, you get it don't you?

<OLD MAN> I understand that much, yay, yay!

<HOUSEI> Let's fulfil our wishes!

<OLD MAN> Thank you!
I'll try my best too,
So Housei, try your best even after you lose!

<HOUSEI> Try your best!

<OLD MAN> Thank you!

<HOUSEI> How did I do?

<MATSUMOTO> The part about the curtain was unnecessary.
The moment you said that, you both started rapping together.
That 'curtain' part.

<ENDO> Sweating is normal, though.

<HOUSEI> When I got to the bit about the curtain, I just exploded in a ball of sweat.
Well anyway, we both came to an understanding on some common ground.

<MATSUMOTO> A common understanding is no good.

<HOUSEI> But that's what rap is all about, isn't it?

<TEXT> *Thunder*

<MATSUMOTO> Seriously. let's stop now.

<HAMADA> Let's go back.

<HOUSEI> Yo, yo, yo, yo,
Before we leave, Yo
What the hell is up with you? What are you doing?
At least say one word, Yo!

<TEXT> Battle 7 Housei Tsukitei VS Producer Nakamura

<HOUSEI> What's with that face? What are you doing with that face?
At least say one word, Yo!

<NAKAMURA> Yo, yo, yo, yo!
I am, I am this show's producer,
You're just a comedian!

<HAMADA> Please come through.

<NAKAMURA> How can you be making these unreasonable requests yo, yo, yo!

<HAMADA> We're sorry for the inconvenience.

<HOUSEI> Oi, tell me about your personality!
What's your personality like, tell me yo, yo, yo, yo!

<MATSUMOTO> Sorry about this.
It's almost...

<NAKAMURA> My, my personality is always the same,

<ENDO> That's it for today.

<NAKAMURA> I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win, yay!

<HOUSEI> What are you gonna win? What are you gonna win?
Tell me, what are you gonna win with that same old personality, yo?

<NAKAMURA> The way I act at work, at home, and anywhere else,
Is exactly the same!
Was today's project a success?

<HOUSEI> Even if it wasn't, I still did it!
I did it, Yo!

<MATSUMOTO> Look at that group of children.

<NAKAMURA> What you just said makes no sense!

<MATSUMOTO> They're going to traumatise the children.