Truck Pump

Ahhh, console video games (or vidcons as I call them), the ultimate medium of expression, able to convey any emotion ranging from hatred to love, loyalty to fear, all in front of our eyes. Ah, and with lovingly crafted art, music, and the ability to control the action, vidcons are the ultimate combination of the high arts. While I tend to play the stoic, I will be the first to admit that vidcons have driven me to cry, to scream and shout, to feel actual hate; such is the power of this force beyond our wildest reckoning. And here I am, before you, to tempt your tongues with the taint of such a tantalizing topic. And the Japanese, the true geniuses behind the world of video games. Pah, I throw my scorn upon such incompetents of the West who would mock the true art of the Japanese with 'games' such as Baldur's Gate and Madden. Perhaps it is that the West is not as intelligent as the East, but this is a matter for another day. Japan has given us such masterpieces as the Final Fantasy series, Star Ocean, Wild Arms, and of course, Arc the Lad. Yes, some of the finest vidcons in the world were created by Japanese. I come to you today to ask you in all earnesty, what is your favorite vidcon? I will reveal mine after the grand debate has illustriously begun, but not before the first poster falls victim to my plot of discussion.

It has come to my attention that in certain circles, simian-minded individuals are refering to vidcons as 'vid cons', ignorantly placing a space between 'vid' and 'con'. Perhaps their brains have dulled by years of Madden and Quake, rather than mentally invigorating games such as Arc the Lad and Growlanser, because even a child could tell that placing a space between the 'vid' and 'con' in vidcon is perhaps more profoundly philistine than a certain American administration that need not be named. Placing a space in vidcon completely belittles the meaning of the word and displays the user's blatantly miniscule intellect and misunderstanding of the basic precepts of grammar. Vidcon is a perfect marriage of the words console and video game, creating a short and effective portmanteau that quickly and accurately labels mentioned objects and anybody who does not immediately recognize 'vid con' as absolutely outrageous clearly lacks the mental faculties to correctly operate a vidcon other than perhaps FIFA Sports. I make this point because I have recently been belligerently barraged by imbecillic 'vid con' references that unnerve me to no end and have taken it upon myself to correct the damage that your poor Western education (though this is a subject to be discussed on a later date) has wrought upon you. You should personally thank me that I did not see it fit to correct your preponderous mistake in Japanese, because I am thoroughly positive your neanderthal mind would be incapable of deciphering the Hiragana from the Katakana.

It should be no surprise to anyone with a passing familiarity with vidcons that pocky is the ideal food to snack on when playing mentioned object (although 'playing' is an inappropriate word, because you experience, rather than play, a vidcon; I shall use 'playing' for the sake of simplicity). For those ignorant to the intricacies of this fine Japanese cuisine, imagine a delicate stick of sweetened bread about the width and length of a chopstick, its tip coated in the richest chocolate imaginable. The bold flavor of the chocolate is complimented by the small nuts that caress the tip, creating a culinary juxtaposition of sweetness and saltiness that can only have been hatched in the mind of a chef versed in the subtle paradoxes of Eastern cooking. They are light and easy to eat and hold, useful for vidconning on the go, and their sugar content add that extra boost for late night vidcons. Therefore, pocky has garnered itself the precious title of "Ultimate Vidcon Snack". Perhaps the only drawback of pocky is its limited availability in the West, though this cannot be attributed to the snack itself, but the infuriating baboons that think they are running grocery stores.

I never thought I'd see such blatant trolling as I have in this forum. Step away from the computer, drop the ham sandwich and back the FRACK off, gaijin. I hate to use that word but you've made me that serious. As hard as it may be for you to fathom, some of us here are actual fans of the Final Fantasy series (pre FFX) and Square's work in general. You can try to bash me for an avatar that I bought because I happen to be a dedicated fan of perhaps the most poignant, painstakingly woven tapestry of love, loss and vengeance ever to be put from pen to paper, but you would fail, just like all of you flamers do in real life. Who can say that the minds at Square Enix (note: appropriate portmanteau is SQUENIX, not the laughable SQUEENIX) were not inspired by the works of William Shakespeare or Chuck Palahniuk? Cloud's bastard sword has more akin with the bastard sons of Macbeth than it does any armament of basilard of the time. The Honey Bee Club in Midgar reminds me more of the Fight Clubs than any brothel. So please, use your brains, not your sarcasm, and step up to the intellectual plate, or leave this forum and take your "haterade" with you.

The differences between Japanese and American vidcon consumers are as blatant as the differences between seasons 1 and 2 of Otomoe wa Boku ni Koishiteru (a nod to my fellow Otomoe wa Boku ni Koishiteru enthusiasts). Whereas the Japanese vidcon consumer is informed and discriminating in his or her purchases and endeavors, his American counterpart acts as a foil, stumbling blindly through the vidcon department at K-Mart, groping for the first vidcon with enough explosions or mammaries on the cover to slake their slavering decidedly non-intellectual lusts. Their hunger for Western garbage such as Madden and Halo is fueled by an almost sub-human ignorance that is as profound in the rest of their lives as it is in their choosing of vidcons. This disgusting display of American mass stupidity is no doubt the result of Christian indoctrination, adding another point on the list of reasons why the Japanese are more intelligent than the West, as contemptuous Western culture has left its people with little more than swiss cheese brains and an unquenchable urge for repeat football vidcons.

Among the most prominent Japanese composers (although I use the word 'Japanese' superfluously, as even the most well-known American composers are barely competent at best), one in particular stands out to the enlightened vidcon soundtrack consumer. His name: Yasunori Mitsuda. For the record, this is not to undermine the amazing works of other incredibly talented vidcon composers such as Uematsu-san or Sakuraba-san, but to highlight the unique, almost celto-tropic music (the word music is an understatement) that Yasunori Mitsuda has been composing for years. It would be sheer ignorance to deny that the Chrono Cross soundtrack is anything but the magnum opus of vidcon music; its lilting and oftentimes hauntingly peaceful guitar melodies soothe all but the most savage of breasts while its tense battle themes and mysterious donjon tunes ignite a blazing passion that can be quenched only by the vidcon's profound story and gameplay. It is a wonder that anyone can listen to anything besides vidcon musical compositions after listening to Mitsuda-san's immensely powerful soundtrack, but given that the primitive thuds of hip hop are America's current choice of 'music' (I use the term music liberally), once can see little hope in the mass appreciation of Mitsuda-san's work.

There is, perhaps, only one medium of art that matches the excellence of vidcons and that is (obviously) visual kei. Combining absolutely exquisite j-rock and j-pop, sprinkled with hints of vidcon melodies, with the pyrotechnic visual flare that the Japanese are known for, visual kei takes its viewers on a rollercoaster ride of lights, fanfare, and music that even Beethoven could tap his toes to. Would that I were Japanese, (though under careful scrutiny, it appears my geneology tree does in fact show signs of a Japanese presence) I too would participate in this art of the 21st century and even perhaps venture onto the visual kei stage myself. It is no surprise that the impotent minds of Western society cannot fully grasp the total splendor of visual kei and instead choose to squandor their time listening to rap and country "music".

In the course of my career as a vidcon specialist (my own coinage, spend it wisely), I have never seen such blatant and frankly, sickening ignorance as that exhibited by the "people" (if, in fact, they are homo sapiens at all, as their intelligence implies elsewise) that claim that Zelda is not an RPG. There is nothing that Shigeru "Shiggy" Miyamoto could possibly do to make the vidcon any more of an RPG as it meets every single criterion for being one, particularly that it takes place in an imaginary realm with a fantastical beastiary, the damsel/villain ratio is at or above standards, and that the core emphasis of the gameplay is on bedazzling all foes with impeccable swords and sorcery. Furthermore, this line of thought can be extended to all vidcons in which the player controls a character (hence, roleplaying), though I cringe slightly at the thought of such mundane vidcons as Madden being RPGs, as they do not even include exotic weaponry such as the tonfa.

I promised earlier to divulge upon you the name of my favorite vidcon, but I have a treat: not only will I give you the name, but I will give you a tantalizing summary to entice you to try it (though will no doubt need to brush up on your kanji before playing, as the vidcon's subtle yet flavorful use of Japanese idiosyncrasies can only be grasped in their entirety by those with a sound mastery of Japanese). The vidcon, as many of you may have guessed, is the absolutely stunning RPG/dating sim Angelique: Tenkuu no Chikonka, one of the first games to pioneer the moe aesthetic. It flawlessly merges a powerful and compelling RPG story and system with an incredibly advanced and realistic dating sim that has sixteen (that's right, SIXTEEN) datable characters. Though it is not generally my nature to develop crushes, I must admit to feeling the palpatations of love's caress once or twice while dating, as the characters are very beautifully draw in the anime style. Add absolutely enchanting music with incredibly lush and colorful graphics and you've got the perfect recipe for the best game ever made.

It should be no surprise to my more-informed viewers that the topic of my discussions would eventually fall to the well-established artform of eroge (known to laymen as "hentai vidcons", though this is a false moniker as the vidcons deal with far more than mere hentai). Much-beloved in the East, these games are sadly, and one might even say expectedly, decried in the West as bastions of perversion and pedophilia for portraying extremely young girls in erotic situations. A person who looks at pictures of fictional little girls isn't necessarily sexually attracted to them. What if (s)he finds them cute? Despite the obvious flaws in the anti-eroge constituency, they continue to claim that eroge are sad, cartoon versions of sex for manchildren that promote rape, pedophilia, and abuse towards women. The logic used seems quite silly, because then people who enjoy killing or raping in games would be classified as murderers/rapists in real life. Come on. It's a fantasy, it's inside your head. Get educated. I recommend Kana: Little Sister, Rape Academy 2, or Crescendo to start with.