Sometimes when I look at Emily, I see myself. The confidence that what you are doing is what's best for you. The desire for other people to see your points of view. The stubbornness to stick to your values even when the world is trying to tell you otherwise. The compassion to give as much of yourself as you can to people who need the love much more than you do.

What seperates the two of us is our success rates. I've done a terrible job of taking care of the people I love. In my attempts I crash and burn in a couple months. I walk away feeling like I made everything worse. On the other hand, Emily's results completely outshine mine. She has maintained relationships with mentally unstable people for years on end. Through all her struggle and care, she has managed to make tangible progress in the people she cares for. While I am capable of bursts of intense love, she can give long term care, which I think is more beneficial to both parties.

However, these are merely surface details. The core lies in the love we receive from the people in our lives. While Emily gives her all to Kelvin, Crystal, Noah, her sisters, and many others, she feels an intense love for them that is validated by her shared experiences with them over the course of many years. On the other hand, I've barely gotten anything from the people I give myself to. My family, my high school friends, clubs in college, Crystal: I always end up feeling used and left out to dry. It's no wonder I burn out so easily; I give and give and never get anything back.

To be honest, I'm jealous. I wish I had loving friends. I wish I had a sister that had my back when I needed her. I wish I had people to hold my weight when I couldn't carry it alone, and I would do the same for them. I know your life has it's fair share of issues, but there are many out there that spend their entire lifetime trying to build relationships as strong and caring as you have. Myself included.

There was a therapy session a few weeks back. I was describing my lowest point of the year, Christmas week. It was worse than the break-up, worse than the Aleesa drama, worse than any individual point in high school or college. I've never felt so insignificant and unloved in all of my life. In response, my therapist asked me if I could magically teleport someone from anywhere or anyplace, real or imaginary, to be there to comfort me in that moment, who would it be. Immediately I imagined other people answering the question, Crystal saying Emily or Paulo, Emily saying Kelvin or Noah. But as for me, the person I felt most comfortable with, the most love from, who I wish could be there with me in my darkest hour was

nobody