Joe Songs

(Sung to the tune of American Pie)
A long, long time ago
I can still remember when my intern used to make me smile.
I'd come into the office and she'd put a coffee in my hand and then maybe ride my dick for a while.
But after some time she got greedy
She got clingy, and so needy
She threatened to tell my wife
So I had to end her life.
I picked up that Lincoln bust,
And raised it high in pure bloodlust
And that poor girl’s skull sure was crushed
The day that Lori died.


(Sung to the tune of The Piano Man)
It’s 1 a.m. on a Saturday
Not long since my congressional win
There’s a dead girl laying on the floor
With the back of her head dented in.
I think, God, Joe, you sure are a maniac,
The way you just killed that poor girl.
To keep this from your wife
You just ended a life
Now you have to hide this from the world
Oh, la de da de da da dum
La da da de dum da daaaa….
Oh what should I do with this dead intern?
I’ll have to make a quick phone call
To my coroner friend
Then this nightmare will end
Because he’ll help me bury it all!!!


(Sung to the tune of Jolene)
Lori, Lori, Lori, Lori!
I wish I didn’t have to kill you dead.
Lori, Lori, Lori, Lori!
I’m sorry that I had to smash your head.
Your beauty was beyond compare,
That’s why I started our affair,
But then you said you’d go and tell my wife.
So I grabbed that statue off the shelf,
I swear I couldn’t help myself
But I knew that I had to end your life.
Lori, Lori, Lori, Lori!
Why couldn’t you just keep your damn mouth shut?
Lori, Lori, Lori, Lori!
You brought this on yourself, you stupid slut.


(Sung to the tune of Stairway to Heaven)
There’s a lady who works as my office intern,
And soon she’ll be going to Heaven.
When she gets here she’ll know, if the office is closed,
We’re alone, so she’ll take off her panties.
Ooh, Ooh, and soon she’ll be going to Heaven.
There’s a bust on the desk, ‘cause I want to be sure,
Because she said that she would tell my family.
So I’ll smash in her head, and I’ll cover it up,
With a lie that she fell when she fainted.


(Sung to the tune of New York, New York)
Start spreading the news
I killed my intern.
And I got away with it!
Lori, Lori!
A secret affair
She threatened to tell
So I broke her cranium.
Lori, Lori!
I have a friend who’s a real shady M.E.
He’ll help me cover it up,
Spread lots of lies,
On radio and TV!
These murderer’s blues,
Will soon go away,
As people all forget about
Lori, Lori!


(Sung to the tune of Money For Nothing)
On MS
On MS
On MSNBC
On MS
On MS
On MSNBC
On MS
On MS
On MSNBC
On MS
On MS
On MSNBC
Turn on your TV early in the morning
Hosting with Mika on the Morning Joe.
I’m so insightful, a smart, unbiased pundit.
Looking at me you would never know
That in 2001 I murdered my intern.
I caved her skull in with a desk statue.
I told everyone she fell and hit her head.
If you say I murdered her I swear I’ll sue.
I got away with killing an intern,
I caved her skull in when I worked in DC!
And now instead of rotting in prison
I host a show on MSNBC!


(Sung to the tune of Beat It)
I told her that she should come over at night
She came into the office, I left on a light
How was I to know that she’d put up a fight?
I beat her
(Beat her)
I beat her
(Beat her)
I caved her skull in and she fell to the floor.
I started to panic before I locked the door.
At least she couldn’t tell my family anymore
I beat her
(Beat her)
I beat her
(Beat her)
BEAT HER
(Beat her)
BEAT HER
(Beat her)
It wasn’t hard to defeat her.
She would’ve ruined my whole career.
But now she’s dead, and I’m in the clear.



(Sung to the tune of Hotel California)
In a Florida office, on a warm summer night,
I sat at my desk waiting
For my forbidden delight.
Her name was Lori, she looked happy, sweet, and pure.
But when I got her alone, she was a dirty whore.
There she was in my doorway,
A cold look in her eyes.
It was then that I knew that,
I couldn’t live with my lies.
She said, “Joe, I can’t do this.
“You have a wife.”
Lori said she was going to tell her,
About our wild sex life
And that’s when I knew I had to kill my intern!
With the lovely face
(With the lovely face)
In my office space
(In my office space)