so i was walking today
the walk is 20 min and 20 min back
did that twice
and it felt great
it wasnt
overly happy
like some depressed people imagine
that happiness is this
extreme excitement
it wasnt like that
it was just nice
i was walking fairly slow
looking around
and it made me realise
just how much i appreciate where i am
and how much i appreciate life
just how content i am
and not the negative kind of content where
i could die right now its not a problem
thats a state of emptiness
where u have nothing u want to do
i do want to do things
i want to visit places
i wanna live in a big city
huge
sydney
or in a valley somewhere
where theres near no internet
i dont even care
but its more that
i have ntohing im missing
like when people say
i want to be rich
well
more that
ok u get the point
i want trivial things
as a bonus to what i already have
but im not leading a sub optimal life
i dont lack relationship with parents
therye okay
i dont lack meaningful friendships that much
and it feels amazing
realistically all i have left
aside from secondary goals
that i might or might not achieve
is love
and then im just
fulfilled
living the moment
achieving what i can
but this in itself
is something i could never even imagine
id experience
i remember days where i had no real idea
what happiness is
i was just confused
i didnt know it was like this
i was a lost child
i remember days i didnt want to exist
a lot of days
days id spend in front of my pc for hours
playing cs
cause it was all i had in life
i refused to do anything
i refused ot listen to people
i wouldnt og on walks
i did shopping in as much bulk as possible
to avoid leaving my flat
cause i was too fucking stupid to take someones advice for granted
and refused to believe theres a better future
odds are id be dead now
i promised myself id end it if i didnt go pro before end of uni
but by now if i didnt change
i wouldve probably ended it
and yet im here
getting a kicker
out of a fucking walk
its something i cant even describ
ei cant put it into words
its not even the walk itself
its the appreciation for life
and for people that were there for me
its the fact that i can feel this
that makes it amazing
its not something i take for granted
because i came from a bad early adulthood
full of nothing
but desire to disappear
its almost surreal
and unbelievable
like sometimes i struggle to believe
that i reached this spot
its almost like a dream
becausae what i feel now
is unexplainably better than how i felt
i went from literal rock bottom garbage human
to someone that just gets essence out of life itself
out of things that youd imagine mean nothing
out of a walk
or out of that chicken i cooked today
out of the fact
i fucking cut the chicken
in 4 stripes
cause i bought a great kithcen knife
i wouldve never imagined
one could be happy with so little
i was stupid and demanding
thinking that to be happy
u gotta be a pro at cs
or make bank
or have a loving family
who spoils u
a gf that talks to u 24/7
constantly patting u on the head
and listening to your dumb emotional state
thats not it
thats not it at all
i was wrong all along
u will understand one day
what happiness really is
not excitement for something u bought
or something temporary
what the essence of just...
living
is
of being
eveyr day
of waking up every morning
to a sunrise
of just
talking to people
just being
its amazing
there