Chapter 8: For Those Who Do Not See

Chapter 8:  For Those Who Do Not See

"Jennifer, it's five past noon, and I-!"

In an instant I am completely awake, looking upward toward the door.  Misses Green is standing in the doorway, looking downward at me.
"Good morning, Misses Green."
"Five more minutes," Jen groans.
Then, for a moment, there's silence.  She just looks at us.  There's something almost resigned in her expression.  She calmly asks "You made him sleep on the floor?"
"Five more minutes," Jen repeats more loudly, as though the entire problem was born from the fact that her mother hadn't heard her.
The change is immediate.  I almost flinch as she shouts "No, Jennifer, right now!"  She's livid the entire time it takes Jen to excavate herself from the pile of blankets that seem more like a nest than a bed.  When she pops out her head, she just stares, annoyed, at her mother.
I don't know if the proper etiquette here is to get out of my sleeping bag, or to stay.  I'd like to crawl further in and hide right now.

Just as quickly as the anger flared up, it's gone.  "What're you doing, Jenny?"  She sounds exasperated and tired, but more than that she sounds saddened.  "What do you want to do?"
"Well, obviously," she says, dragging out as much sarcasm as she can manage, "to have stupid arguments in front of my friends."
"He's right there," she shouts, suddenly pointing a finger at me.  The urge to disappear into my bedroll increases, but at least now there's the sense that I'm really not supposed to be part of the conversation.
She puts on her fake chipper, upbeat voice, "You're right, mom.  So tell me, should I just rape him now, or should I give him a running start?"  For a moment that's all that happens.  Her mom just sort of collapses slightly, trying to find something else to say.  When Jen speaks again, it's not with one of her random voices or sarcasm, but with venom.  "Because that worked out so fucking well with dad, didn't it?"

Mrs. Green stands there for a moment, small, in the doorway.  She's looking down, unable to look at her daughter.  Eventually she just grabs the handle and pulls it closed.  Whatever pressure that was weighing down on my chest immediately lessens, though not completely.

I didn't know that the wound was still fresh.  I knew Jen's dad left because he'd never actually loved her mom.  He was a prisoner from one of the skirmishes before the last war, and her mom claimed him.  The Unification happened a couple of years after she was born and her dad took the opportunity to run.  It's not an uncommon story; a lot of slaves and stolen husbands took the opportunity to disappear back into heavily human-populated territories.  Jen just laughs and says that she doesn't blame him, but there's always a bit of hesitation when she says that.  I know her better than that.  I don't know what her sister or mother feel or think about him.  Or, at least, I didn't.

I wonder if her mother didn't really love him.

"Great way to start the day, huh?"
I look over to see Jen's staring down at me over the side of her bed, looking more tired than when she fell asleep.
I shrug.  I don't know what to say about what just happened.
"Sorry you had to see that.  She gets a little crazy sometimes."
"Nah, I understand."  I do.  I wonder if my mom doesn't have the exact same kinds of arguments when I'm not around.  I don't think so.  I don't want to think so.

"Hey, gimme a hand."
I hold my hand upward.  She just opens her mouth and waits.  What, does she expect me to hold my arm up while she chews on it?
Apparently, yes.  Oh well, it's fine.  I stick my hand in and she engulfs it almost entirely.  Her eyes close as she starts noisily manipulating my fingers with her tongue.  Maybe it's just too early in the morning-
Wait, it's past noon.
I groan as the realization hits me.  "What am I gonna say for skipping school like this?"
"Hyu ur ahoing hikh (you were avoiding Tish)?"
That's fair.  "I'll still have to say where I went, though."

The various wet sounds come to a stop as Jen opens both eyes to look at me.  "He o'hech (be honest)?"
I stare back for a minute.  Did I really not even consider that?  I mean, they probably would've assumed it to begin with.  Why would I even bother hiding this?  Why was lying about it my first instinct?
I speak the realization as it comes to me.  "I don't like what I'm doing."
"Hih'o uh'hig er'h (then do something else)."
"I would be lost without your wisdom."

She finishes with my fingers and turns to the side of my hand, pausing only to say "Tell me a story."
I don't even think about it before I start dryly rattling off my thoughts.  "It's not much of one.  Tish's mom kicked her out, she tried to take it out on me, failed, and asked Lythalia for a place to stay.  She asked mom, and now she's in my house."  It's only afterward that I think about what I said.  How much of all of that is me pulling out bits and pieces, or just passing over huge chunks of it?  How much of this is just a straight-out lie to my best friend for no reason at all?  Am I a compulsive liar now?
But what do I actually want to tell her?  Do I want her to know that I'm meeting with an angel, the leftover instrument of the being who wanted to wipe her and everyone like her off the face of existence?  Do I want to tell her that I found a venom that turns me into an insane murderer?  That I watched myself kill someone in a dream-vision?

My hand is momentarily freed from her attentions.  "Dude, you could make the apocalypse sound boring."
"Like I said, it wasn't much of a story."
"You took, like, eighty doses of Manticore venom and could still wear pants, dude.  That's fucking freaky."
"No, I didn't."
She looks down at me for a moment before moving in slightly and raising her eyebrows, signaling the desperate need for me to continue.
"I wore some leather under my clothes."
"And it didn't just go through?"
This is my turn to raise my eyebrows, "If it could go through a half-inch of hardened leather it'd just pass straight through someone's arm and go out the other side.  No one's died from the spines, so I figured I was safe."

"Shit, dude."
"Yeah."
"Half the fuckin' school thinks that you're immune to everything and the other half is just confused."
I smile a little to myself.  "Yeah."
She's about to start on my arm before she pauses, staring incredulously at me.  "No.  You crazy nightlight, you meant for that to happen?"
I try my best to avoid a shit-eating grin.  I don't succeed.  "No one would poison someone who's immune, right?"
She shakes her head for a moment, grinning down at me.  "You're a wizard."

After a while she returns my arm to me, significantly stickier than it was before.  I'd get up, but at this point it's so late that I don't even care.  I'd go back to sleep if I were even slightly tired still.
"So what's it like?"
"What's what like?"
"Living with Tish."
I take a second to think back on yesterday.  Most of it's a mess.  A morning of stress and confusion, hurriedly working over random scenarios.  Rina doing something-or-other I can half-remember.  School being a nerve-racking wait.  Then, it's like the day was already over.  Did anything actually happen?
"It's not like anything.  I think she's avoiding me."

"You would actually make the apocalypse boring."
"Hey, it's not my fault that nothing's exploded yet."
"No, I mean, just from being there.  Everything would crash really slowly just because you were around."
"Giant monsters would rise from the earth and quietly convince people to crawl down their throats."
"Buildings would just lay down to avoid making a mess."
"Rivers would run blue with water."
"Oceans would simmer slightly."
"The skies would have mild, mid-afternoon showers of blood."
"But seriously," she says, stopping our random interlude, "what d'you think'll happen with Tish?"

I drag myself up, more out of some sense of obligation than any desire to do so.  "No idea.  Maybe nothing.  Maybe her mom's already realized what a bitch she was and I'll go home to nothing but family.  Maybe she'll just stick around and make everything feel weird for a while."
Jen helpfully adds "Maybe she'll try and rape you again."
"Maybe.  Who knows."
She stares down at me, obviously tired still.  "You're life is fucked."

"I would be lost without your wisdom."

---

I always feel better after this.  It's like recharging.  After every random, weird, miserable thing that goes on at home I can just come here and vent.  We both just get whatever's bothering us off of our chests.  Then, we pack it up and go.  She buries her head back in her covers and gives a vague half-wave as I close the door.

And then I see Mrs. Green sitting in the den between me and the door, and the stress comes right back.  The television's off, so she's just sitting in the middle of the couch, staring past it.  It's too late to turn around and do something else.
"Afternoon, Misses Green."
She turns and looks at my legs, nodding slightly to show that she heard me.  Then she turns back.
It's not what I was expecting, but after that argument I guess I didn't really know what to expect.  It's probably best not to try for conversation; not that I actually try to have any sort of conversation with Jen's family.  I head over to the door.  "Later then."
"That's it?"
I stop.  I don't want to stop.  My first thought is to just answer yes, but no one asks that question when they don't think there should be something else.  Did I not say goodbye properly?  No, this is usually how I leave.  Dammit, that's a cruel question to ask someone.

I turn around to look at her, and find that she's staring at me.  Do I have any option but to just say that yes, this is, in fact, it?  Or do I ask what she's asking?
She gives me the mercy of answering my question without my asking.  "You're leaving, just like that?"
This doesn't help at all.  This still means that she expects me to do something else.  Is this just the standard demand that I give her grandchildren?  When I think of it that way, I guess there really isn't an alternative, is there?  It's always the same demand.  Why'd I think she'd bother doing anything different?
"Yeah."
She stares at me for a minute, her expression gradually darkening.  She snorts humorlessly, "And you call yourself her friend."

What in all of the hells?  Really?  This is what she has to say?  That I can't be a friend and- and what?  What does she think friends are?  No, I'm not putting up with that.  "Yeah, I do."
She drags herself upward, staring at me with open contempt now.  "After this?  After seeing all of this?"
Seeing what, exactly?  Their argument?  "Yeah."
She points an accusatory finger down toward their hallway, "How can you say that when she's sleeping like this?"
I stare at her, now utterly confused.  She looks back at me, her expression slowly collapsing from righteous indignation to shocked recognition.  She almost sighs the words, "She never told you."
"Told me what?"
She shakes her head slightly, trying to piece something together.  "That doesn't- no, but- you live with a Wight, don't you?  Haven't you ever seen her when she needs energy?"
"Well, yeah, she gets-"

Tired.

Really tired.

I stare at Mrs. Green, reconciling the information.
"Tired, right?  You understand?"  Jen's mom is talking to me still.
Jen's hungry.  She's gotten old enough that the spirit energy collected before her birth has been mostly used up.  She didn't tell me, though.
"It's because you've both been holding back for," she puts a hand to her temple, "I don't know why."
Why wouldn't she tell me?  She can tell me anything.  She knows that.  It's not like there's any concern that I'd laugh at her or anything.  When has either of us ever done something like that?  We've just done whatever that the other needed, no questions asked.
"She's going to keep getting more and more tired, until eventually she starts breaking down."
It's not like she'd be worried that I'd think less of her for it.  I mean, that's not even an option.  It's off the whole mental table.  I have more general mamono-knowledge than half the experts out there.  I just - I don't know - missed this one.  But she's hungry, so why wouldn't she just ask me for energy?  She knows that I would.
"So, you'll help her, right?"
I mean, does she just not want me to?

Of course.  I look at Mrs. Green, now actually looking at her.  "I'm an idiot."  How was that not obvious?

She just doesn't want that.

She smiles, finally.  It's not her usual shit-eating grin - that insane, massive maw that Ghouls can manage.  It's just a really wide smile.  "Then, you'll give her what she needs?"
I shake my head slowly.  "No.  I'll help however I can, though."
Her face pulls inward, collapsing into itself under the weight of her confusion.  Her voice is pleading, "I- you- what?  Why?  Why haven't you ever-?"
I don't know how to tell her.  It's been so long, and I've tried to explain it so many times.  Would it matter saying it again?  How many times have I told her that we're just friends?  "I'm sorry, you just don't understand."  I turn and head out the door.  "You never have."
The response is immediate.  I hear her shout out behind me, "Fine!  I don't want to understand you, you cruel little bastard!  And I don't ever want to see you here again!"  The last shout is punctuated with the slam of the door.

Maybe it's a testament to the amount of random stress I've been dealing with that I feel almost relieved that the anger is out in the open now.  She just wants her daughter to be comfortable.  I don't begrudge her that.  I couldn't.  I breathe in the cool air.  The scent of grass is still clinging to it in spite of the temperature.  Of course, I might just be so relaxed because I just decompressed with my old friend.  The world is cruel sometimes, but right now I'm riding on a success-and-good-sleep high, and all I can see is the endless brown of autumnal leaves.  She'll realize our reasons when Jen is better.

After all, this is the world that we've inherited, and it's as strange to her as the old world is to us.  Did the idea of having a male friend ever cross her mind?  Was that even a conceivable possibility in the world she lived in?  Could she imagine wanting something else from a man other than his energy?  Probably not.  It was a time when the very forces of the world were twisting her nature into something predatory and cruel, and she couldn't help but be bound to them.  It's not her fault.

But that's not an excuse for this.  I've been friends with Jen for five years, and if she hasn't realized by now what's going on then what hope do I have to change her mind?  Maybe she'll talk with her daughter and find out the truth.  Or will she just spend the rest of her life hating me for thinking that I'd watch my friend starve out of - what, exactly?  Malice?  What have I ever done to make her think the worst of me?  Does she honestly think that I'd tell Jen to just go hungry?  This is Jen's decision.  Why can't she see that?  Is she still so utterly bound by the past?

No.  She'll figure it out, or we'll show her clearly enough that she won't be able to deny it anymore.  Jen and I'll figure this out.  We're wizards, after all.

I just need to help her first.

---

Tish freezes in place when I walk into the living room.  Neither of us expected to see the other right then, but the sudden jerk was probably uncalled for.  There's a loud hiss of vegetables on a hot pan followed by mom's voice from the kitchen.  "Val, is that you?"
"Yeah, mom," I call back.
"Second time skipping school in a row.  You aren't seeing someone, are you?"
"Jen's sick, went to go visit."  It's so quick and easy that I don't even think about it.  I reflexively spit out the most plausible half-truth.  This time, though, there's no feeling of pride.  It's just there.  Sitting in the air, reminding me that I'm randomly lying to my mother for probably no reason at all.
"Aw, that's sweet of you."
What I would give to keep her from calling me sweet in front of Tish.

I turn back to the Manticore, who's managed to relax back into the couch slightly.  She's still watching me like she's waiting for something.
No, I don't want to talk to you.  What would I say?
I start heading back to my room.  "You haven't said anything."
Well, fine, universe, make me have a conversation with Tish.  It's not like I can really stop you.  "Nope."
"Ly said you wouldn't."
"Well, broken clocks, I guess."
"Why?"

I turn back to look at the confused girl.  She looks so small on our couch.  Wings furled up, tail tucked away, spines still not having grown back in.  I wouldn't be annoyed if she was asking a question I knew the answer to.  "Severe head trauma."
"Then," she lowers her head slightly, giving me a sidelong glance, "you weren't worried that I'd-"
"What?"  I step forward, now facing her straight-on.  "That you'd what?"
She shrinks further into the old couch, eliciting a number of creaking whines from the springs.

Why did I do that?  What could I possibly gain from that?  I don't just randomly want to watch her suffer, do I?  Her own mother kicked her out of the house; isn't that enough punishment?  Enough revenge?
"I'm not saying anything because it doesn't matter to me.  That's all."  I don't want to have anything else to do with something so messed up.

Besides, I'd just as soon not have the rest of my family find out about what happened.

---

It has been a very long time since I've seen Cara genuinely angry.  "Where is she!?"  Her teeth are bared and the hairs on her forearms are flared outward more than usual.  It's been a long while since I've seen her actually riled up.  I was just gonna go get some food since I hadn't eaten anything today, and I bumped into her in front of the stairs.  I wasn't prepared for this.
Safiya moves up, holding out her arms, "Now, Cara, this isn't-"
"Shut up!"  Safi flinches and pulls back.  Cara turns back to me, pointing back at her sisters.  "They knew!  They all knew!"
Okay, I can guess what's going on.  "Cara, I knew, too."
"Yeah, but!"  She stares at me, frustrated and angry.  Her expression seems to turn sad even as it gets more violent.  "That's because you're too nice!  She's taking advantage of that!"

This isn't going to end well if I let her go like this.  I step forward and I wrap my arms around her.
"No.  Let go!"  She shouts, but she doesn't struggle.  I hush her as I start stroking her head.  I see mom enter the area right as Cara shouts "She poisoned you!"  I brace myself for the inevitable ear pain when she takes another, longer breath, but her voice comes out softer and somewhat shaky.  "Everyone saw it, but no one said anything."
I can see the slightest hint of something other than motherly affection on mom's face, and immediately wave my hand and mouth that it's all right.
"It's all right, Cara."  I give her a minute to take a few more breaths, just to see if there's any shouting left.  "She was just confused.  I showed her that."

Wait, am I defending her?  Hells, I am!  I'm actually defending her.  I could have her kicked out right now.  After all the shit she's pulled I could just throw her out onto the streets.  It wouldn't even be on my hands, now.  I held the high ground.  I did everything that anyone could have asked of me.  I could have her kicked out onto the street right now.  She tried to rape me because she was kicked out of her house over a previous attempt at raping me.  If that was out of some misguided affection for Sister, then what?  Does that make it all right in my books?  Does that mean that I want her staying here?

I'm interrupted by the plaintive whine of my sister.  "Why're you protecting her?"
I keep rubbing the back of her head while holding her to my chest.  "I just am, all right?"
She shakes her head, "You're always trying to protect everyone."  She finally seems to relax and slump forward.  "But no one's protecting you."
"Hey, I have you, don't I?  Besides, I learned that I'm immune to Manticore venom the other day."  I smile, and start to add on things in an increasingly deep, grandiose voice, "And I'm strong!  Strong enough to beat both Wyrm and Werewolf!  I wield the power of flame!  I break steel chains on an hourly basis!"  I can't see her face, but I feel her starting to laugh.  "It is the noble duty of all who are strong to protect others!"  Then, suddenly, I switch back to my normal voice, "So don't worry about me, all right?"

I smile over to mom.  "So, when's dinner?"
She smiles back at me.  "Letitia poisoned you?"
I continue petting my sister's head.  "Nope."

We both smile at each other for a moment.

"Well that's good, then."

She turns and heads back to the kitchen, leaving all of us significantly more confused than we were before.

---

Dinner was way more uncomfortable than it was before.  It's not that there was someone else there, but rather, that someone was only half-there.  Mom spent the entire dinner practically silent, only listening to whatever random snippets of conversation started up.  Lythalia's the one trying to spark conversation this time, probably just to get everyone not to think about what was angrily shouted earlier.

"You seem lost in thought, dear brother."
I refocus my eyes and turn to Evette, watching her lightly trace her spectral arms along my shoulders.  She tilts her head as she admonishes me, "You should let yourself enjoy the sensation, you know."
"Can you do this in reverse?"
She blinks and furrows her brow in confusion, "Do what?"
"You can manipulate spirit energy in someone, and you can draw it out, but can you put it into someone?"
She slowly shakes her head, "Non, dear brother, I can only take, not give.  Why do you ask?"
"Just thinking out loud."

If the arms had any mass or force to them, the insistent circles might feel something like a massage.  If I weren't some freak of nature it'd feel fantastic either way.  Instead it's just this muted buzzing sensation, dragged down my upper arm like it's supposed to make me feel something other than mildly uncomfortable.
"This used to take a lot less time," I note.
"Well," she sighs, "I used to take as much as I could in an instant, to diminish the pain."  She leans in, pressing herself against my side.  "Now, though, I can take all the time that I want.  I can just focus on making this as pleasurable as possible - for the both of us."

I should've known that it wouldn't be that easy.  I can check a couple other things, but it's not like I'll just find the answer to a millenia-old question on Interpedia.  There's Rina, but if she knew how to get spirit energy more easily then she wouldn't need me.  I know she has some SE dinners, so that's obviously just holding her over until she finds something else.  That leaves, as far as I know, the crystals that mages and the Church of the Fallen create.  They're expensive, but maybe it would be cheaper if, say, I could get Lythalia to buy them for me.  But that requires owing Sister something, and I'm not prepared for the footwear that that might entail.

I should probably check with Rina all the same.  This is something that she in particular would know more about.
"What troubles you, dear brother?"
I lift my head back up, "Nothing, just thinking."
She presses both hands on my shoulder, leaning slightly on me as she asks, "Oh?  Whatever about?"
"You should just take what you need so that we can get this over with faster."
She starts to pout, but immediately shifts into a wry grin.  "So you want me to take your energy all at once, then?  Are you sure?"
I know what she's thinking, but I've had almost a month to think about this, too.  "Yes."
There's that buzzing sensation again, but now it's like a wave that passes across my body in an instant.

I nod to myself.  "All right then."  I turn to her, "Well, 'til tomorrow, then."
She had been examining me with a distant, almost vacant smile up until I said that.  Now it slowly shifts back into a more grounded confusion.  "But, I'm taking your spirit energy now, aren't I?"
I nod.  "Yep, and now you're done."
She's about to ask another question before I gesture to the door.  She takes her time, but she does finally get up and leave, bidding me a pleasant evening on the way.  I can understand her confusion, but I've been having all of my spirit energy burned away for my entire life.  I think she doesn't affect me like she does normal men because I've built up a tolerance.  To me, having all of my energy pulled out by some weird magic is almost every second of everyday.

Strange resistances, half of which help me as much as they harm.  No, one of which is significantly more harmful than helpful.  All of them unexplained.  Maybe this is some other part of my curse.  That's something else I should probably ask Rina about.  I don't want to go to her for everything, though.  It's better for her if I never see her again.

But I have a question that I have to ask.

---

I knock on the old door.  I didn't see her out, so at least I know it's not early evening that she starts stalking me.  Of course, I have no idea when she heads out to do anything.  She might be out getting food right now.  What does she even eat here?  Mice?  Eugh.
The door unlocks and pulls open, revealing the monochrome Nekomata.  She got some new clothes at least, and these look fairly clean.
"I need to ask you something."
She answers quickly and seriously, as though she'd already prepared this.  "Then go out with me."
What?  "Out where?"
Her serious expression immediately twists into an amused smile.  "What do you mean, 'where?'  Out on a date."

For a moment we just stare at each other.  She's toying with me.  Or is this a business transaction?  I don't know.
"Why?"
Just as quickly, she's staring at me with frustrated confusion.  "What do you mean, 'why?'  You want to fall in love before you marry."  Her voice shifts slightly in an almost sarcastic tone.  "And that's weird, and never in my family's history have we ever done anything like this, but fine," she raises her hands in a half-confused, half-surrendering expression, "you get to set the rules here.  But how am I supposed to get you to love me if we never spend any time together?"

That it makes sense doesn't make me any happier.
I don't even know if she'll know anything that could help Jen.
But she might.

I sigh, "Do I need to sign a contract for this?"