this will probably be long by the time im done with it. there's just stuff that i want to tell you. im not going to bother wording it properly. and just to let you know, i've never told anyone this much about my past before. but i want to tell you. you know nothing about me, and i am still going to keep things from you for a little while until im more comfortable, it's hard to explain, and i know its hypocritical. i dont like to talk about myself, there's nothing nice to say really. i've had such a fucked up life. its one of the main reasons i have you talk, so i dont have to talk.

my dad killed himself a week before christmas, when i was 6 or 7 years old. i didnt know he killed himself, my mom said he got sick and died, not suicide. it was kept from me (found out when i was older, my grandma accidently said it). shortly after, or maybe it was immediately after, my mom started dating some guy. like a year or 2 later, they got married and she got pregnant or maybe it was vice versa. we had to move out of the current house (i lived with my mom and grandma in the big house im currently living in 20 years later, my real dad never lived with us). i really didnt like that. i lost all my friends from school (moved right after 2nd grade ended). i lost what i considered to be my home, a big house with a nice backyard and a pool/tennis court. i didnt like the change. we moved to a shitty small ass apartment that didnt even allow pets, and i grew up with a cat (was my moms cat).

the man she married is a terrible, vile, disgusting, inferior human being. they would always fight, they would always scream. i had never experienced anything like it before. i mean yeah, my mom used to yell at me, maybe spank me or wash my mouth with soap when i did something wrong as a kid. but my parents never fought, or at least i never witnessed it. so i was scared, this was all new to me. i was used to "paradise", and then this happens... there was so much yelling and screaming, they fought constantly. i hated it, i was scared. i couldnt rly make friends in the new school, i was made fun of. and i hated my stepdad.

time goes on, and i dont remember when this started. we eventually get a house, down the block from the apartment. i get my own cats. i still hate this man though. the fighting continues regardless, theres always constant screaming and yelling and fighting going on, but im older now. still, one time i considered suicide because i was so upset, this was like 7th grade or some shit. anyway, mgo came out like... end of 10th grade for me. i got addicted fast lol, such a great game. i played CONSTANTLY. i started skipping school 10th grade solely to play mgo (and i was paying $10,000 out of my own money to go to a private school, parents couldnt afford it). also, i think this is when my stepdad starts drinking, he's an alcoholic. he would drink heavily. he always harassed me for playing a game, for using the computer, for not going to school. as it went on, it got considerably worse. he would beat my mom.... and she would defend him...? i didnt understand. there was far more screaming and fighting now, it was literally half the time every single week. at least 3-4 days out of the 7 in a week was hell for me.  and it just kept getting worse. 11th grade, i get kicked out of the private school for cutting to much, and then i decide to drop out because i really dont want to work, i want to play video games, and the new school (which was my public school), held me back, so i really decided fuck that and just dropped out. as this is all happening, theres more drinking, more fighting. it just keeps increasing. i was going insane, and i was losing empathy. i started to stop caring for things, for the way people feel, if someone felt sad or something i truly didnt care. the drinking continues to get worse.

one night, because i refused to help my little stepbrother set up the internet on his ps3, my stepdad beat me. he was drunk. he slammed my door open, i think i was playing mgo. regardless, i was in my chair. my stepdad was a big man, he was a few inches taller and had 100+lbs on me. he grabbed my throat and threw me out of the chair and was beating me. i couldnt fight back, this was my first time being int he situation and i had no idea what to do. my mom tries to break us up. i threaten to call the cops, and i eventually do while my mom defends my stepdad who smells of vodka, over her own son who was just beaten. the cops come... and nothing happens. the cops give ME shit, because im a dropout. they completely ignored the fact this man was considerably drunk and beat me for no reason. it was the exact opposite of what you experienced when you were beaten. they give me a police report to sign, i was so... i dont know how to describe it. i was traumatized at the time really. the police report clearly didnt indicate what happened. it said i was in a slight altercation or some shit because i wouldn't get off my brothers game. what the fuck? but i signed it... i didnt know i could refuse, and i couldnt bring myself to tell the cops thats not what happened (even though i told them the story word for word before they wrote a report up). they talked to my stepdad in private, and they clearly took what he said over what i said. and i know its because i was a dropout, because they kept giving me shit for it. the police report was nothing like what actually happened, and the cops are supposed to say if i dont like/agree with what the report says i dont have to sign it. but all the cops said was "here kid you gotta sign this". i was shaken up so i did.

that night was awful. because after they left, it really began. i got no sleep. i stayed up in my room, on my bed staring at the ceiling. my stepdad went through a whole bottle of vodka after they left. he did nothing but sit downstairs at the first step, screaming all night for 4-5 hours. screaming at the top of his lungs shit like HOW DARE YOU CALL THE COPS ON ME YOU PEICE OF A SHIT, ILL FUCKING KILL YOU, etc.

my mom came out several times to tell him to stop, and he didnt listen. oh i forgot to mention, she was defending him when the cops came, defending him over me saying i was being an asshole and caused it. they both (mom and stepdad), tried grabbing the cellphone and house phone away from me when i tried to call the cops early. i forgot to type this above. anyway, drinking gets even worse. this man is constantly drunk now. as soon as he gets home from work, he gets drunk, and drunk on the weekends. he even takes off from work to drink sometimes (his sick days stack, so basically at any given time hed like 30 days he could take off just to drink). his excuse for this was "well if he gets to stay home and play games i can stay home and get drunk, i dont need a job and dont have to work". the thing is, when hes drunk, he does nothing but sit on the couch downstairs yelling, even if knows one talking to him. he'll yell upstairs calling me a faggot, a failure, etc. or he'll yell at my mom. the fighting is obviously even worse.

eventually, he beats me again. this is the 2nd time. i forget how this happened... regardless, same thing. barges into my room screaming, drunk.  thrown out of my chair. i managed to fight back, and i got such a rush. my mom breaks us up again, and im mad she did... if the fight had gone on fir just like 5 seconds longer, i could have seriously injured/killed this man, which i wanted to do so badly. i had a can of coke, unopened, and i was going to smash his eye and skull repeatedly, but unfortunately didnt get the chance. im sorry if you think thats fucked up, but when ur in these scenarios, you get an adrenaline rush and you do what needs to be done. regardless, i call the cops again.... and the same fucking thing happens. my mom defends him... i was beaten, insulted, everything but she defends him. the cops... dont care. they just sit there defending him, again, while he fucking smells of vodka and is clearly intoxicated. this time they said if they have to come back again someones going to jail, he was talking to both of us, as if i actually did something wrong. yet agian... i stupidly sign the police report which clearly states sometihng that didnt happen. again i was in shock and couldnt bring myself to tell the officers to correct it, it was bad enough they fucking wrote the shit that was so wrong to begin with.

gonna skip a bit. its the same shit, drinking somehow gets worse. the fighting, the screaming, everything. my house, my "home" is hell. i find out my mom does drugs. ive been neglected by my "mom" because shes fucking high, and obviously i dont need to say anything about my stepdad. the time comes, he beats me again. this is the 3rd and final time, and also by far the worst. yet again, slams door open barging in, screaming, throws me down, knocks laptop and shit over. however, he isnt drunk this time. he's actually fucking completely sober, just mad at me. and i put up a fight this time, almost winning until my mom breaks us up again, defending him again. however despite almost "winning" the fight, i actually had a lot of injuries. i called the cops... i had blood on my hands, they were bruised. i also got punched hard in the back of the head, i had a little blood from the back of my head. they look at me... and do nothing, AGAIN FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME. the people im supposed to fucking trust, for the third fucking time, fuck me over. AGAIN. i am clearly injured. i am clearly fucked up. but NOTHING. i forgot to mention this, but my mom kept a "diary" basically, a log. of every single time she fought with my stepdad, with all her injuries, pics, everything. she also had drugs in her drawer, i knew because i did some snooping around when i was home alone one time. i told the cops. i told the cops while i had injuries, that there was a dairy clearly showing how disgusting this man was, and how terrible of a "mother" she was, and i told them that there are drugs in the house.

they tell me "that's not our problem". i dont know if you understand ___, but when you tell a cop something like that... i mean forget it, the cop is supposed to do something when you're clearly injured, but when you tell a cop theres drugs...? no, that's not how its suppose to go. they are not supposed to say "that's not our problem". i dont know how to describe how i felt at the time. its hard to remember as well. it was basically... nothing. i felt nothing. there was just nothing. and for the third fucking time, i sign the police report. this police report was really fucked up. nothing about my injuries, none of the boxes checked off (hair pulling, beating, phone cord pulling, etc.).  but i sign it again, i dont know why. when you're in these situations, you arent in the right state of mind. when they leave... i go up into my room. my shirt is really fucking ripped from the fight, i still have the shirt actually. i realize i have much more injuries than i first realized. i took pics with my cell phone, i still have those pics on my phone. theres like 10-2 pics. i had bruises/scratches on my chest, my sides, my arms, my hands/knuckles, back, legs, etc. and i realized something else.
my hearing was fucked up. i told you i was hit on the back of my head. basically i couldnt hear out of the right side of my ear nearly as well. when i would swallow, i only felt it on my left side, nothing on my right. i go to my friends house, his mom was a nurse for 40 years. she tells me i have to go the emergency room. i sleep over, the next morning i walk home. my stepdads at work. my mom wont take me to the emergency room, she's defending him. i forgot to mention, when the cops left... SHE LAUGHED AT ME. i told her i was really hurt after i realized i couldnt hear. she just fucking laughed at me, saying serves you right, etc.

i call my grandma, she comes to pick me up. my mom is mad at this, and she calls my stepdad saying whats happening. my stepdad panicks, he's afraid hes going to lose his job because of this (because i plan on telling the doctors how i got the injuries). i can hear him on the phone, he's so worried, and my moms trying to console him. he asks her to give the phone to me. i knew why. he was about to beg me not to go to the doctors so he wouldnt lose his job, he was almost crying. i could hear him saying "oh my god oh my god gail im going to lose my job you have to stop him etc." she handed me the phone, and before he could even fucking speak, i hung up (well closed the phone, it was her cell). i go to the emergency room with my grandma, and shes old (this is last year fyi). we cant find the hospital at first, we're driving around, i keep calling my mom at work to ask for help to find the place. she keeps telling me no you're on your own, your brought this upon yourself, etc. she wouldnt even do it to fucking help her own mother whos 86 years old, driving me around looking for the hospital.

eventually i get to the emergency room. she looks at my injuries, dose nothing. she tests my hearing, she says its temporary, its just trauma or whatever and it will go away with a few days/2 weeks or some shit. she asks how i got them, i told her... she asks and what did the cops do... i told her they did nothing, and she just looks at me as if im lying or some shit. anyway, we go to another doctor, specifically to test my ear, he says its fine. i did eventually regain my senses on the right side of my head, i think i fully recovered, thank god.

anyway, my "house" situation actually gets worse. this man is now drinking extremely heavily, to the point where he should actually be dying from it. 6 days a week at least, extremely drunk. going through 5-6 big ass bottles of vodka. you cant do that, even i cant do that. we would die. somehow this man doesnt die. and he doesnt go to work, at all. not a single day, from like august of last year to this years june, and i will tell you why soon. anyway, he just sits at home, drinking heavily, constantly harassing everyone. there is now CONSTANT screaming and fighting, everyday, all day. there was always just one day where it was peaceful. basically every 7 days or so, there's just one day where he would do nothing but throw up. he'd even throw up blood, but he never died or had to go to the hospital. on this one day hed always just be very sick. anyway this continues on and on. he almost loses his job, but gets a doctors notice cuz he went to rehab for a few days and that didnt workout. anyway, his entire department gets laid off (hes a construction worker). this is like october. he had already skipped every day of work since august, but i knew once he lost his job i was relaly fucked because then there was really 0% chance of him leaving the house to go to work. however, he got a job extension, because they cant legally fire him since he was on a special sick leave. so he basically gets to work for an extra few months. he doesnt go to work obviously. i even saved his life once, which i really fucking regret. he was really drunk, eating food. the chair breaks underneath him, he falls on his knife or something and gets a large gash. hes screaming for me to come down and help, i refuse, im playing battlefield 3 lol (week of release). he comes up the stairs and barges open, screaming at me to help him. he didnt beat me, he just saaid to help him stop the bleeding. i said what bleeding, and then see the entire back of his head is covered in blood. i told him i have to call the ambulance, he screams at me not to (because he has "pride"). i call the ambulance/police, all while hes screaming at me, and the operator even hears him and asks if hes intoxicted to which i say yes. cops come and patch him up, he refuses to go to the hospital. regardless i regret doing this. if he was rly injured and couldnt get up, i honestly would hvave pretended to not hear his cries for help and let him bleed to death.

anyway, as i said, constant drinking. even though i saved his fucking life nothing changes. its the same thing. i live in hell. but then its the new year, its january. i learn my grandma fainted and had to go to hospital, and was diagnosed with diabetes. i see this as my chance... i ask my mom if i can move in with her and "take care" of grandma and get away from stepdad. so i do. i move in. im so happy. i finally have peace... im back in my old "home" (remember, i lived in my grandmas house as a kid with my mom). i even brought my cat with me. i take care of my grandma a little bit. shes like 86 or 87, but shes not that bad. by take care of, i just have to make sure she tests her blood and writes down the number in her log book, that's all. obviously i cook dinner sometimes, but yeah i dont do anything. its just so peacful and beautiful here. i missed this place so much. i just play games all day, or go out with friends (they drive here, they live by old house, but i help pay for gas since i have so much money). and now i have the pool. basically, in may i started talking to you. then june comes, mgo dies.

now its july 10th. about 3 weeks ago, my grandma tells me one morning "bill (stepdad) is very sick. he turned yellow and they had to take him to the hospital". i grinned. i was happy. i was so happy. i literally did nothing but day dream that day and for the coming days, about him laying there, suffering. i was hoping he would die. then 2 weeks ago, my mom comes over (she comes every sunday with my aunt to spend time with grandma). im eating lunch. my grandma asks my mom how bill (stepdad) is doing. she says flat out hes going to die. he can get a dialysis and thus prolong his life to about 2 months, or he would just die in a few weeks. i was so happy. i was excited. i couldnt believe it,  what i was hoping to happen the entire week before that was coming true. and finally, 5 days ago, last Friday... i go upstairs to make myself breakfast. as im eating breakfast, grandma says bill died. i was so fucking happy. i simply feigned my emotion as best as i could, which was basically me replying "oh". i literally fucking smiled when i heard her words. i texted my friends, out of excitement saying "He's dead.". now the reason ive been telling you im stressed out is this. his wake was monday (yesterday). i didnt go. friday/saturday/sunday, my grandma kept asking me to go, and i kept telling her no., she was very mad at me for not wanting to go. she even admits to hating the man, saying no one liked him (forgot to mention, one time at christmas he caused a huge fight in front of the entire family because he was so drunk, during dinner, and was thus basically banned from ever coming here again). but she was mad at me, saying i should go out of respect for myeslf. that pissed me off. i do respect myself, thats why im not going (well didnt want to go). then she said i should do it out of respect for my mother. this rly pissed me off. i fucking hate my "mom". she neglected me so much, defended the asshole, did drugs wihle he was drunk making it so much worse for me, and she caused so much shit. i fucking hate her, just like i hated my stepdad. my grandma was threatening to kick me out if i didnt go to the wake. sunday when my aunt came (she gets here earlier than my mom), she fucking bitched at me when i told my grandma i wasnt going. she even said she hated the man (this is my moms sister) and shes glad hes dead, but shes going for my mom and i should do it to respect my mom. again i get pissed, and i told her how my "mom" laughed at me when he beat me, and wouldnt help with the hospital, and she just fucking called me a liar and said im unbelievable.

this is why ive been stressed out. ive been so mad/annoyed that my "family" telling me that im fucked up when they know nothing of how ive lived. ___, im sure youd go to your moms/dads funeral. im assuming they were nice, or at least "normal" and not fucked up parents like mine. assuming they werent fucked up, and you decide not to go the funeral i can see people saying wow that's fucked up of you. but jesus, my situation? you have no idea what its like to live through what ive lived through and have people tell you what to do and why you're fucked up when they know NOTHING of how i've had to live for the past 12-13 years. anyway, the wake was yesterday, didnt go. the funeral was today, didnt even know about that hahaha, wouldnt have gone anyway. i basically woke up at 10am, went upstairs to make breakfast, noticed grandma wasnt home but my aunts car was here and grandmas car was gone, so i assumed they went to the doctors or something. also, that sunday my mom said itd be nice if i were to come to the wake, i simply laughed in her face.

ive lived through a lot. that was not even a fraction of what i've been through. that was like 5 incidents. all the days in a year... for like 12-13 years... giving those people the benefit of the doubt, let's say shit only happened half the time. that still means there's 1000+ other incidents. i cant possibly tell you everything. and that's just the "family". then there's school, my "friends", etc.

i dont even have friends anymore, i got rid of them last month. i know what they really think and say about me. so i cut contact. i have nothing but extreme depression. even my uncle is dying now, he has cancer (not mgo cancer lol, actual cancer). he's not going to make it, he has 3 months (which started in dec). he doesn't even know that, he thinks hes going to get better. kinda fucked up how the "family" is keeping it secret from him (they want him to be happy).

you dont understand what its like to go through everything and have nothing. i have so much anxiety/ocd/stress/depression now, it's so hard to live. each day goes by slowly and i keep getting bad thoughts, my mind has like fallen apart the past few months since bo2 came out. i finally have one good thing in my life that is helping me live. it means a lot to me. i consider you, jeff, ks, 50, etc. "friends". i enjoy talking and interacting with you guys, it helps a little but it's not much. mgo is probably the only reason i didnt kill myself. nothing has gone my way in so long. now i finally have just one thing that is making my life better. it fucking sucks knowing that there are people that can take it away from me. no one has the right to do that.

also, lia can be such a cunt, right jon? she blocked me a few weeks ago for calling her a slut. when i was playing with her that time she did seem better though. she's definitely improved, she still sucks ass though.

jon, please.