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- 1
- 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,960
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 2
- 00:00:34,970 --> 00:00:42,970
- Subtitle By: explosiveskull & Re-Sync By: bozxphd
- & Improved By: Fidel33
- Sub Upload Date: July 16, 2018
- 3
- 00:00:43,270 --> 00:00:46,200
- (THE LUMINEERS SINGING
- "BLUE CHRISTMAS")
- 4
- 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:51,640
- ♪ I'll have a blue Christmas ♪
- 5
- 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,380
- ♪ Without you ♪
- 6
- 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:59,180
- ♪ I'll be so blue ♪
- 7
- 00:00:59,180 --> 00:01:02,990
- ♪ Thinkin' about you ♪
- 8
- 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:10,530
- ♪ You'll be doin' alright ♪
- 9
- 00:01:10,530 --> 00:01:14,530
- ♪ With your Christmas
- of white ♪
- 10
- 00:01:15,830 --> 00:01:19,200
- ♪ But I'll have a blue ♪
- 11
- 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,010
- ♪ Blue Christmas ♪
- 12
- 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:27,140
- AMY:
- I'm Amy Mitchell.
- 13
- 00:01:27,150 --> 00:01:28,510
- And this year
- 14
- 00:01:28,510 --> 00:01:30,420
- I ruined Christmas.
- 15
- 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,250
- Christmas is by far
- 16
- 00:01:33,250 --> 00:01:35,990
- the most stressful
- time of the year for moms.
- 17
- 00:01:35,990 --> 00:01:38,190
- There are a million
- things to do.
- 18
- 00:01:38,190 --> 00:01:40,260
- And you have to do them
- all perfectly
- 19
- 00:01:40,260 --> 00:01:42,490
- or else you will
- never forgive yourself.
- 20
- 00:01:42,490 --> 00:01:45,690
- And more importantly,
- neither will your kids.
- 21
- 00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:47,060
- I literally feel like
- 22
- 00:01:47,070 --> 00:01:49,770
- the worst mom
- in the world right now.
- 23
- 00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:51,270
- (CAMEL GRUNTS)
- 24
- 00:01:55,770 --> 00:01:58,210
- Maybe I should start
- at the beginning.
- 25
- 00:01:58,210 --> 00:02:01,110
- (FESTIVE MUSIC)
- 26
- 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,250
- I've always loved Christmas.
- 27
- 00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:09,190
- It's my favorite
- time of the year.
- 28
- 00:02:09,190 --> 00:02:12,390
- Most of all, I love
- the time with my family.
- 29
- 00:02:15,930 --> 00:02:17,590
- Because all I want
- 30
- 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,700
- all any mom wants
- 31
- 00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:22,130
- is for their kids to have
- an amazing Christmas.
- 32
- 00:02:22,130 --> 00:02:23,700
- ♪ Can't love me like you ♪
- 33
- 00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:26,740
- ♪ L-O-V-E ♪
- 34
- 00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:30,570
- That said, Christmas is
- an insane amount of work.
- 35
- 00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:32,440
- First, you have to buy gifts
- 36
- 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,640
- for every human being
- you've ever met.
- 37
- 00:02:34,650 --> 00:02:38,380
- I gave my coffee guy
- a scented candle this year.
- 38
- 00:02:38,380 --> 00:02:40,480
- Why did I do that?
- 39
- 00:02:40,490 --> 00:02:42,620
- Then, you have to decorate
- your house
- 40
- 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,820
- which, clearly, I suck at.
- 41
- 00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:48,290
- I'm doing the best I can,
- Charmaine!
- 42
- 00:02:48,290 --> 00:02:51,390
- Then, you have to go to
- all your kids' Christmas shows
- 43
- 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,660
- which are...
- 44
- 00:02:52,660 --> 00:02:54,730
- (DISCORDANT CELLO MUSIC)
- 45
- 00:02:54,730 --> 00:02:56,500
- Yeah.
- 46
- 00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:59,570
- Then, there's all the
- over-the-top Christmas parties.
- 47
- 00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:00,840
- Oh, my God.
- 48
- 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,740
- Are these lobster Santa hats?
- 49
- 00:03:02,740 --> 00:03:04,340
- Are these a thing now?
- 50
- 00:03:04,340 --> 00:03:06,440
- What the fuck?
- 51
- 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,410
- Then, there's all the cooking
- 52
- 00:03:08,410 --> 00:03:10,350
- all the cleaning
- 53
- 00:03:10,350 --> 00:03:11,910
- all the wrapping.
- 54
- 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,120
- It's insane!
- 55
- 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,490
- There's just never enough time.
- 56
- 00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:17,850
- Argh!
- 57
- 00:03:17,860 --> 00:03:20,090
- (FESTIVE MUSIC)
- 58
- 00:03:26,270 --> 00:03:27,700
- - Hi, mom.
- - Hey.
- 59
- 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:28,970
- - Hey!
- - How was the game?
- 60
- 00:03:28,970 --> 00:03:30,430
- It was great! The Bulls won.
- 61
- 00:03:30,430 --> 00:03:33,100
- - Yes! Congratulations.
- - Yes!
- 62
- 00:03:33,110 --> 00:03:34,440
- - Hi, honey.
- - I love you, baby.
- 63
- 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,870
- Wow. Your house
- looks really great.
- 64
- 00:03:36,870 --> 00:03:38,210
- Oh, thank you.
- 65
- 00:03:38,210 --> 00:03:40,340
- I still-I still got
- lots left to do, but...
- 66
- 00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:41,680
- Can I do anything to help?
- 67
- 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,050
- No, no, not unless
- you know how
- 68
- 00:03:43,050 --> 00:03:44,810
- to magically fix
- Christmas lights.
- 69
- 00:03:44,820 --> 00:03:46,280
- Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
- 70
- 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,850
- Yeah, you just
- swap out the fuse.
- 71
- 00:03:47,850 --> 00:03:49,650
- It's pretty easy.
- 72
- 00:03:49,650 --> 00:03:52,520
- That's pretty hot. I won't lie.
- 73
- 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,960
- Oh, you're definitely getting
- the gold-star treatment tonight.
- 74
- 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,530
- I like that,
- but hold that thought.
- 75
- 00:03:56,530 --> 00:03:57,700
- Okay.
- 76
- 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,970
- Oh. Your dad is awesome.
- 77
- 00:04:02,970 --> 00:04:04,730
- I thought you hated him.
- 78
- 00:04:04,740 --> 00:04:08,240
- What? No, honey, what?
- Why would you say that?
- 79
- 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,740
- When you came over
- to the house last week
- 80
- 00:04:10,740 --> 00:04:12,310
- I heard you and daddy
- in the bedroom
- 81
- 00:04:12,310 --> 00:04:14,680
- and you kept
- screaming at him.
- 82
- 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,850
- Oh, yeah.
- 83
- 00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:19,520
- No, honey, those were...
- 84
- 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,020
- Those were happy screams.
- 85
- 00:04:21,020 --> 00:04:23,020
- They didn't sound happy.
- 86
- 00:04:23,020 --> 00:04:24,550
- And then you punched the wall
- 87
- 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,890
- and yelled the F-word.
- 88
- 00:04:26,890 --> 00:04:29,230
- Okay, I-I, um...
- 89
- 00:04:29,230 --> 00:04:30,760
- Yeah, I don't,
- I don't really recall
- 90
- 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,260
- doing that, so, yeah.
- 91
- 00:04:32,260 --> 00:04:33,600
- - I don't know if that happened.
- - You did.
- 92
- 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,430
- You were like,
- "Oh, my fucking God!"
- 93
- 00:04:36,430 --> 00:04:37,930
- Just like that.
- 94
- 00:04:37,940 --> 00:04:39,400
- "Oh, my fucking God!"
- 95
- 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,500
- Okay, alright. Shh! Shh!
- 96
- 00:04:41,510 --> 00:04:43,770
- Um, here's the thing.
- 97
- 00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:45,540
- Your dad and I
- were just playing a fun
- 98
- 00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:46,780
- little grown-up game.
- 99
- 00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:49,450
- You played the game seven times.
- 100
- 00:04:49,450 --> 00:04:50,750
- Six and a half.
- But who's counting?
- 101
- 00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:52,720
- Here's the thing,
- let's just not...
- 102
- 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:53,950
- Let's just not talk about this.
- 103
- 00:04:53,950 --> 00:04:55,220
- - Cool?
- - Cool.
- 104
- 00:04:55,220 --> 00:04:57,060
- - High-five. Awesome.
- - Got it.
- 105
- 00:04:59,930 --> 00:05:01,860
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 106
- 00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:03,560
- (INHALES)
- Oh, no.
- 107
- 00:05:04,530 --> 00:05:05,900
- What is it?
- 108
- 00:05:07,370 --> 00:05:09,430
- My mother's
- coming for Christmas.
- 109
- 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,900
- Oh, my fucking God!
- 110
- 00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,440
- (FESTIVE MUSIC)
- 111
- 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,780
- Thanks for helping me decorate
- the tree, guys.
- 112
- 00:05:21,050 --> 00:05:24,110
- Bernard, let's hang 'em
- on the tree. Okay, buddy?
- 113
- 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,920
- Oh, who put the big
- brown ornament
- 114
- 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:27,420
- right on the front
- of the tree?
- 115
- 00:05:27,420 --> 00:05:29,550
- - It looks like doodie.
- - Yes, it does, baby.
- 116
- 00:05:29,550 --> 00:05:31,420
- And that's why mommy's
- gonna move it around back.
- 117
- 00:05:31,420 --> 00:05:32,820
- Oh, no, sweetie
- 118
- 00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:34,490
- we don't drink
- the tree water.
- 119
- 00:05:34,490 --> 00:05:35,730
- We don't drink the tree water
- 120
- 00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:37,060
- 'cause we're people, right?
- 121
- 00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:39,160
- Mommy, is there a Santa Claus?
- 122
- 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:40,630
- You bet there is, buddy.
- 123
- 00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:43,500
- - I know.
- - Are you lying to me, mommy?
- 124
- 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:45,330
- Oh, God, make it stop.
- 125
- 00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:47,970
- What else have you lied about?
- 126
- 00:05:47,970 --> 00:05:49,840
- - Hey, babe.
- - Hey, dad.
- 127
- 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,570
- - Hi, guys.
- - Hi.
- 128
- 00:05:51,580 --> 00:05:52,950
- - You alright?
- - Yeah.
- 129
- 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:55,750
- - Tree looks great.
- - Thank you.
- 130
- 00:05:55,750 --> 00:05:57,350
- - Want me to feed the twins?
- - Yes, please.
- 131
- 00:05:57,350 --> 00:05:59,420
- - Hey, buddy. Good to see you.
- - Thank you.
- 132
- 00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:00,450
- - Let's get some food.
- - It's okay, buddy.
- 133
- 00:06:00,450 --> 00:06:01,480
- Aw, it's alright.
- 134
- 00:06:01,490 --> 00:06:02,690
- (DOOR BELL DINGS)
- 135
- 00:06:02,690 --> 00:06:04,820
- (BABY CRYING)
- 136
- 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:11,090
- Hah! Merry Christmas, Kiki!
- 137
- 00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:15,330
- - Mom? Hi!
- - Oh... my... gosh!
- 138
- 00:06:15,330 --> 00:06:17,300
- I thought you weren't
- coming until Friday.
- 139
- 00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:19,670
- Well, I just hopped
- on an earlier flight.
- 140
- 00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:23,110
- - Three days earlier?
- - Oh.
- 141
- 00:06:23,110 --> 00:06:25,310
- I-I haven't made up
- the guest bedroom or anything.
- 142
- 00:06:25,310 --> 00:06:27,640
- That's okay.
- I'll just sleep with you.
- 143
- 00:06:27,650 --> 00:06:29,450
- Big spoon, little spoon.
- 144
- 00:06:29,450 --> 00:06:31,350
- I usually sleep
- with my husband now.
- 145
- 00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,390
- Hey, you wanna see
- the sweatshirt I made?
- 146
- 00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:37,690
- (EXHALES)
- I love this picture.
- 147
- 00:06:37,690 --> 00:06:40,520
- And look, you were just getting
- your little tiny breasts.
- 148
- 00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:42,390
- - Well, one of 'em, anyway.
- - You just got here.
- 149
- 00:06:42,390 --> 00:06:43,730
- Let's not talk about my breasts.
- 150
- 00:06:43,730 --> 00:06:45,330
- - Then the other one popped out.
- - Yeah.
- 151
- 00:06:45,330 --> 00:06:47,360
- (CHUCKLES)
- Thank goodness!
- 152
- 00:06:47,370 --> 00:06:49,530
- Oh, Keeks!
- 153
- 00:06:49,530 --> 00:06:51,670
- If you play your cards right,
- you could get
- 154
- 00:06:51,670 --> 00:06:53,340
- a sweatshirt just like this
- for Christmas.
- 155
- 00:06:53,340 --> 00:06:55,310
- Oh, no.
- 156
- 00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:59,010
- Oh, Kiki Dee,
- I cannot wait
- 157
- 00:06:59,010 --> 00:07:02,140
- to spend every waking minute
- 158
- 00:07:02,150 --> 00:07:04,010
- of the next three weeks
- with you.
- 159
- 00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:05,320
- (NERVOUSLY)
- Hmm...
- 160
- 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,080
- Oh!
- 161
- 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:10,220
- (INHALES DEEPLY)
- Hmm...
- 162
- 00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:11,350
- Are you smelling my hair?
- 163
- 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,990
- Yes.
- 164
- 00:07:12,990 --> 00:07:15,890
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 165
- 00:07:20,870 --> 00:07:22,600
- Oh, my God.
- 166
- 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,430
- If I have to wax
- one more pussy today
- 167
- 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,170
- I'm gonna black out.
- 168
- 00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:27,940
- Since when did
- every woman in America
- 169
- 00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:31,570
- need a completely hairless
- vagina on Christmas?
- 170
- 00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:33,580
- (MUMBLES)
- 171
- 00:07:33,580 --> 00:07:35,510
- Anyone else here for a wax?
- 172
- 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:41,020
- Oh, my God,
- that's like 50 more vaginas.
- 173
- 00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:42,420
- Okay, who's next?
- 174
- 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,360
- Oh, no, not you, sasquatch.
- 175
- 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,690
- I can't handle you right now.
- 176
- 00:07:48,690 --> 00:07:50,600
- CARLA:
- Hmm, let's see.
- 177
- 00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:55,400
- Oh. You. Betty White.
- 178
- 00:07:56,570 --> 00:07:58,630
- I'm intrigued.
- 179
- 00:07:58,640 --> 00:07:59,810
- Come with me.
- 180
- 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,320
- (TRAILER HONKING)
- 181
- 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,150
- Hey, what's up, lady?
- 182
- 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,790
- - Mom?
- - Ha-ha!
- 183
- 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,920
- Wait, what the actual fuck?
- 184
- 00:08:20,930 --> 00:08:23,060
- (LAUGHS)
- 185
- 00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:24,830
- Oh, my God!
- 186
- 00:08:24,830 --> 00:08:28,500
- Ah! My God! My God!
- 187
- 00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:29,900
- Oh, my God!
- 188
- 00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,230
- (CACKLES)
- 189
- 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:32,470
- Wait, I... Well,
- you didn't tell me
- 190
- 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,240
- you were coming for Christmas.
- 191
- 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,240
- It's Christmas?
- 192
- 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,910
- Uh, yeah.
- Isn't that why you're here?
- 193
- 00:08:37,910 --> 00:08:39,780
- Totally! Totally why I'm here.
- 194
- 00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:42,250
- Merry Christmas, lady.
- Merry Christmas.
- 195
- 00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:44,280
- Jesus, look at you!
- 196
- 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,820
- You bitch,
- you don't age at all.
- 197
- 00:08:45,820 --> 00:08:47,250
- Look how fucking hot you look!
- 198
- 00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:48,650
- Look at those boobs.
- 199
- 00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:51,420
- Oh, thanks. You're lookin'
- a little bit older.
- 200
- 00:08:51,420 --> 00:08:53,360
- But good, you look good.
- 201
- 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,090
- What's it been,
- like three years?
- 202
- 00:08:55,090 --> 00:08:56,490
- Three?
- 203
- 00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:58,160
- Whoa, really?
- 204
- 00:08:58,160 --> 00:08:59,430
- Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe.
- 205
- 00:08:59,430 --> 00:09:00,760
- I don't really know
- what year it is.
- 206
- 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,800
- (LAUGHS)
- 207
- 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,670
- Why are you wearing
- black pajamas?
- 208
- 00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:08,000
- Oh, uh... No, yeah, I, uh...
- 209
- 00:09:08,010 --> 00:09:10,010
- I work at a spa.
- 210
- 00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:12,180
- You have a fucking job?
- 211
- 00:09:12,180 --> 00:09:13,780
- Yeah. Yeah.
- 212
- 00:09:15,610 --> 00:09:17,550
- I'm tryin' to be more
- responsible and shit.
- 213
- 00:09:17,550 --> 00:09:21,550
- Oh, you always were so weird.
- 214
- 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:25,790
- So why are you really here, mom?
- 215
- 00:09:25,790 --> 00:09:27,790
- What do you mean?
- 216
- 00:09:27,790 --> 00:09:30,330
- Well, you only come
- when you need money.
- 217
- 00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:32,190
- Uh, oh... No, no, no.
- 218
- 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,060
- I don't gamble anymore.
- 219
- 00:09:34,070 --> 00:09:35,500
- No, I'm just here to see
- 220
- 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:37,000
- my daughter on Easter.
- 221
- 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,640
- - Christmas.
- - Christmas.
- 222
- 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,470
- So I think we should celebrate.
- 223
- 00:09:41,470 --> 00:09:44,140
- I know, Thunder Down Under
- 224
- 00:09:44,140 --> 00:09:46,180
- is playing by the airport.
- 225
- 00:09:46,180 --> 00:09:48,150
- I think we should hit that hard.
- 226
- 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,650
- - Male strippers?
- - Yeah.
- 227
- 00:09:51,650 --> 00:09:53,650
- - With my mother?
- - Mm-hm-hm.
- 228
- 00:09:53,650 --> 00:09:55,080
- (INHALES SHARPLY)
- On Christmas?
- 229
- 00:09:55,090 --> 00:09:56,220
- Yeah.
- 230
- 00:09:57,190 --> 00:09:59,190
- How could I say no?
- 231
- 00:09:59,190 --> 00:10:01,360
- Let's go slap
- some wieners, bitch!
- 232
- 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,660
- - Alright! That's my girl.
- - Whoo!
- 233
- 00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:05,230
- Oh, my God, Jaxon is gonna
- 234
- 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,160
- shit himself when he sees you.
- 235
- 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,670
- Still got that kid, huh?
- 236
- 00:10:08,670 --> 00:10:09,870
- Yup, yup.
- 237
- 00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,500
- How old is he now?
- 238
- 00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:13,500
- Oh, 15 or 17.
- 239
- 00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:15,710
- - Oh, cute, cute.
- - Yeah.
- 240
- 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:21,610
- So your mom and dad have never
- 241
- 00:10:21,610 --> 00:10:22,710
- been here
- on Christmas before?
- 242
- 00:10:22,710 --> 00:10:24,850
- Um, no, no.
- 243
- 00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,750
- AMY: Okay, wait, do you, do you
- think that I made enough food?
- 244
- 00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:28,250
- Uh, seriously?
- 245
- 00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:29,620
- I can make quiche.
- I'm gonna go make quiche.
- 246
- 00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:31,590
- Babe, everything's
- gonna be fine.
- 247
- 00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:33,890
- No, honey,
- it's not gonna be fine.
- 248
- 00:10:33,890 --> 00:10:37,890
- My mom is the most critical
- human being on the planet.
- 249
- 00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,230
- When I was six years old
- 250
- 00:10:39,230 --> 00:10:41,030
- I made her a birthday card.
- 251
- 00:10:41,030 --> 00:10:42,600
- And she returned it with notes.
- 252
- 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,800
- Okay, that's fucked up.
- 253
- 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,470
- The point is she's perfect
- 254
- 00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:48,140
- at everything and she is
- impossible to please.
- 255
- 00:10:48,140 --> 00:10:49,570
- But if she's
- impossible to please
- 256
- 00:10:49,570 --> 00:10:50,640
- why're you tryin' so hard
- to please her?
- 257
- 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,070
- Listen, I'll tell you the truth.
- 258
- 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,240
- Daughters spend
- their whole lives trying
- 259
- 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,580
- to please their mothers,
- and mothers
- 260
- 00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:55,710
- spend their whole lives
- 261
- 00:10:55,710 --> 00:10:57,250
- shitting all over
- their daughters.
- 262
- 00:10:57,250 --> 00:10:59,380
- It's just how the world works.
- Okay? I can't fix that.
- 263
- 00:10:59,380 --> 00:11:01,650
- I'm not,
- I'm not fucking Beyoncé.
- 264
- 00:11:01,650 --> 00:11:03,890
- (CHUCKLES)
- Well, y-y-you are to me.
- 265
- 00:11:03,890 --> 00:11:05,050
- - Ugh.
- - I love you.
- 266
- 00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:06,120
- I love you.
- 267
- 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,660
- - Mmm.
- - Okay.
- 268
- 00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:09,990
- You think your mom's
- gonna like me?
- 269
- 00:11:09,990 --> 00:11:11,090
- No.
- 270
- 00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:12,160
- (DOOR OPENS)
- 271
- 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,730
- I'm sorry we're late.
- 272
- 00:11:13,730 --> 00:11:15,460
- Hank drives like a girl.
- 273
- 00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:16,570
- Merry Christmas,
- grandma and grandpa!
- 274
- 00:11:16,570 --> 00:11:17,900
- Merry Christmas, grandpa!
- 275
- 00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:18,940
- - Merry Christmas!
- - Merry Christmas!
- 276
- 00:11:18,940 --> 00:11:20,100
- Merry Christmas, dad.
- 277
- 00:11:20,110 --> 00:11:21,900
- Here, have some X-Boxes.
- 278
- 00:11:21,910 --> 00:11:23,570
- - Are you serious?
- - Thank you so much.
- 279
- 00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:25,010
- Mum would never let us
- have these.
- 280
- 00:11:25,010 --> 00:11:26,840
- DYLAN:
- Thank you.
- 281
- 00:11:26,850 --> 00:11:29,280
- Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie.
- 282
- 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:30,750
- It's so nice to meet you.
- 283
- 00:11:30,750 --> 00:11:34,020
- Please take the bags
- upstairs. Gracias.
- 284
- 00:11:35,490 --> 00:11:37,120
- Okay. Hi, mom.
- 285
- 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,660
- - Amy.
- - Hi.
- 286
- 00:11:38,660 --> 00:11:40,120
- - You look pale.
- - Oh.
- 287
- 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,660
- I'm just trying out
- a new skin thing.
- 288
- 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,090
- Oh, good, it's just bad makeup.
- 289
- 00:11:43,090 --> 00:11:44,160
- You're not dying.
- 290
- 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,460
- Where's your tree?
- 291
- 00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:47,330
- I-I haven't had time
- to get one yet.
- 292
- 00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:49,100
- Amy, it's December 19th.
- 293
- 00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,500
- Even the Jews have
- Christmas trees by now.
- 294
- 00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:52,830
- Never mind,
- we'll get one tomorrow.
- 295
- 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,970
- - Okay.
- - Huh.
- 296
- 00:11:54,970 --> 00:11:57,310
- Yeah. Do you have any food?
- 297
- 00:11:57,310 --> 00:11:58,940
- I haven't eaten
- in three days.
- 298
- 00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:01,540
- Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. I actual...
- I have all your favorites.
- 299
- 00:12:01,550 --> 00:12:03,650
- (CHUCKLES)
- It's adorable.
- 300
- 00:12:03,650 --> 00:12:05,180
- You let your kids cook.
- 301
- 00:12:07,350 --> 00:12:09,050
- Okay.
- 302
- 00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:12,820
- Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid
- made Christmas decorations.
- 303
- 00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,690
- So I have the whole week
- planned out.
- 304
- 00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,560
- On Thursday,
- we'll see "The Nutcracker."
- 305
- 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,800
- And then, of course, on Friday,
- we'll all go caroling.
- 306
- 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,700
- Unfortunately,
- Mike was our baritone
- 307
- 00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:22,170
- and you're divorcing him.
- 308
- 00:12:22,170 --> 00:12:24,030
- So we're gonna have to fill
- that hole
- 309
- 00:12:24,030 --> 00:12:26,140
- if we're gonna win
- the Caroling Cup this year.
- 310
- 00:12:26,140 --> 00:12:27,800
- Oh, God, the Caroling Cup?
- 311
- 00:12:27,810 --> 00:12:29,470
- Darling, when I lived here
- 312
- 00:12:29,470 --> 00:12:33,340
- we won the Caroling Cup
- nine times.
- 313
- 00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:34,710
- It's too bad
- you've given up on
- 314
- 00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,480
- our family's
- tradition of winning.
- 315
- 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,580
- Yeah, I guess I've just
- been a little busy, so...
- 316
- 00:12:38,580 --> 00:12:42,080
- Well, clearly not
- at the gym. Whoop.
- 317
- 00:12:42,090 --> 00:12:45,150
- I want to celebrate my
- triumphant return to Chicago.
- 318
- 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,720
- I wanna throw an enormous
- Christmas party at your house.
- 319
- 00:12:47,730 --> 00:12:50,690
- So I was thinking Christmas Eve,
- if that's convenient.
- 320
- 00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:52,900
- What? No.
- That's not convenient.
- 321
- 00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:54,930
- I mean, we can invite
- all of my old friends
- 322
- 00:12:54,930 --> 00:12:56,670
- and we can have a sushi station
- 323
- 00:12:56,670 --> 00:12:58,270
- and we can hire Kenny G
- 324
- 00:12:58,270 --> 00:12:59,740
- to play Christmas music.
- 325
- 00:12:59,740 --> 00:13:01,700
- I hear he's not even
- that expensive anymore.
- 326
- 00:13:01,710 --> 00:13:03,870
- Yeah, okay, that-that sounds
- like a lot of work.
- 327
- 00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:06,540
- Yeah. It's too bad,
- I've already invited everyone.
- 328
- 00:13:06,540 --> 00:13:08,210
- - Where, to my house?
- - Yes.
- 329
- 00:13:08,210 --> 00:13:10,280
- A 184 people are coming.
- 330
- 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,550
- What?
- 331
- 00:13:11,550 --> 00:13:12,850
- Why haven't I gotten
- a Christmas card
- 332
- 00:13:12,850 --> 00:13:13,880
- from you yet?
- 333
- 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,220
- I don't know, mom.
- 334
- 00:13:15,220 --> 00:13:16,790
- I-I-I guess it just fell
- through the cracks.
- 335
- 00:13:16,790 --> 00:13:18,450
- What is happening with you?
- 336
- 00:13:18,460 --> 00:13:19,920
- Nothing.
- Nothing's happening to me.
- 337
- 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,290
- Amy, this is Christmas.
- 338
- 00:13:21,290 --> 00:13:23,260
- It's the big show.
- 339
- 00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,860
- - I know.
- - You can't dick around.
- 340
- 00:13:25,860 --> 00:13:27,760
- - I'm not dicking around.
- - I feel you're dicking around.
- 341
- 00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,360
- Mom, I'm honestly
- not dicking around.
- 342
- 00:13:29,370 --> 00:13:30,770
- Yes, you are dicking around.
- 343
- 00:13:30,770 --> 00:13:32,030
- I can tell
- when you're dicking around.
- 344
- 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,570
- I'm not dicking around.
- 345
- 00:13:33,570 --> 00:13:34,900
- - Dick, dick around.
- - Okay.
- 346
- 00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:36,940
- Okay.
- 347
- 00:13:36,940 --> 00:13:38,140
- I'm not dicking around.
- 348
- 00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:40,280
- Alright, enough
- with the bad language.
- 349
- 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,310
- Okay.
- 350
- 00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:44,650
- - I like your hair.
- - Really?
- 351
- 00:13:44,650 --> 00:13:47,450
- Yeah, it looks like
- you're not trying so hard.
- 352
- 00:13:47,450 --> 00:13:49,220
- Yeah. Love you.
- 353
- 00:13:52,260 --> 00:13:53,330
- Oh...
- 354
- 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,830
- AMY: I can't do Christmas
- with my mother.
- 355
- 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,270
- It's like living
- with Saddam Hussein.
- 356
- 00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:03,670
- My mom is only staying
- with me
- 357
- 00:14:03,670 --> 00:14:05,940
- because I think
- she wants to steal my TV.
- 358
- 00:14:05,940 --> 00:14:07,600
- Oh, I have to go
- Christmas tree shopping
- 359
- 00:14:07,610 --> 00:14:08,970
- with my mother tonight.
- 360
- 00:14:08,970 --> 00:14:10,170
- Yeah, it's like,
- it's like going
- 361
- 00:14:10,170 --> 00:14:12,140
- on a seven-hour death march
- 362
- 00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:13,310
- around the city.
- 363
- 00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:14,440
- My daughter really wants
- 364
- 00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:16,110
- a Happy Happy Princess Doll
- 365
- 00:14:16,110 --> 00:14:18,250
- and I have looked everywhere
- 366
- 00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:21,920
- for it and I don't know
- where it is.
- 367
- 00:14:23,090 --> 00:14:24,650
- (SOBBING)
- Where is she, guys?
- 368
- 00:14:24,660 --> 00:14:26,090
- Where is Happy Happy Princess?
- 369
- 00:14:26,090 --> 00:14:27,590
- Oh, my God.
- 370
- 00:14:27,590 --> 00:14:29,860
- I know it's just a doll,
- but God.
- 371
- 00:14:29,860 --> 00:14:32,490
- Christmas is
- killing me this year.
- 372
- 00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:33,800
- (KELLY CLARKSON SINGS
- "RUN RUN RUDOLPH")
- 373
- 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,000
- Holy fuck.
- 374
- 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,770
- ♪ Out of all the reindeer ♪
- 375
- 00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:40,610
- ♪ You know
- you're the mastermind ♪
- 376
- 00:14:42,670 --> 00:14:44,370
- ♪ Run run Rudolph ♪
- 377
- 00:14:44,370 --> 00:14:46,850
- ♪ Randolph's
- not too far behind ♪
- 378
- 00:14:49,210 --> 00:14:50,980
- ♪ Run run Rudolph ♪
- 379
- 00:14:50,980 --> 00:14:52,520
- ♪ Santa's got to make it
- to town ♪
- 380
- 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,880
- I can't do this shit sober.
- 381
- 00:14:54,890 --> 00:14:56,190
- Me neither.
- 382
- 00:14:56,190 --> 00:14:57,850
- You guys wanna get drunk
- at the food court?
- 383
- 00:14:57,860 --> 00:14:59,690
- - Fuck yeah!
- - Yeah.
- 384
- 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,060
- - Come on.
- - Ooh, fun!
- 385
- 00:15:03,490 --> 00:15:05,400
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- 386
- 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,670
- You guys, you know
- what drives me crazy?
- 387
- 00:15:10,670 --> 00:15:12,300
- - Genital warts?
- - What?
- 388
- 00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:14,300
- - Genital warts.
- - No.
- 389
- 00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:15,540
- Carla, no.
- 390
- 00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,070
- No, w-w-what drives me crazy
- 391
- 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,570
- is the-is the pressure
- that we put on ourselves
- 392
- 00:15:18,580 --> 00:15:20,740
- to make Christmas perfect, guys.
- 393
- 00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:22,480
- Look, Christmas
- is supposed to be fun.
- 394
- 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,850
- Yes, why am I responsible
- 395
- 00:15:24,850 --> 00:15:26,750
- for getting
- every gift for everyone
- 396
- 00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,420
- in my entire family?
- 397
- 00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:29,750
- I mean,
- just 'cause I'm a girl?
- 398
- 00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:31,420
- - Yeah.
- - It's 2017!
- 399
- 00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:32,490
- I thought so.
- 400
- 00:15:32,490 --> 00:15:33,520
- Why can't my husband
- 401
- 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:34,890
- buy presents for his own mom?
- 402
- 00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:36,090
- I don't even like his mom.
- 403
- 00:15:36,090 --> 00:15:37,830
- She blames her farts on my kids.
- 404
- 00:15:37,830 --> 00:15:39,030
- - What?
- - You know what I do?
- 405
- 00:15:39,030 --> 00:15:40,700
- - With my big dumb son?
- - What?
- 406
- 00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,930
- Every November,
- I just go into his room
- 407
- 00:15:42,930 --> 00:15:44,830
- grab a bunch of random crap
- 408
- 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,600
- wrap it up,
- give it to him on Christmas.
- 409
- 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,240
- - He doesn't even notice.
- - Seriously?
- 410
- 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,770
- Oh, my God, I've given him
- the same baseball glove
- 411
- 00:15:49,770 --> 00:15:51,540
- like nine times.
- 412
- 00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:53,880
- And how lame are the gifts
- that your family gives you?
- 413
- 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,280
- I spend months picking out
- the perfect gift
- 414
- 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,110
- for everyone in my family
- and all I ever get
- 415
- 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,080
- is coupons
- for free back rubs.
- 416
- 00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:03,080
- Oh, that's so wrong.
- 417
- 00:16:03,090 --> 00:16:04,720
- You know what my son gave me
- last year for Christmas?
- 418
- 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,020
- A box of Ziploc baggies.
- 419
- 00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:08,590
- Think I'll probably
- just wrap it up
- 420
- 00:16:08,590 --> 00:16:11,590
- and give it back to him again
- this Christmas.
- 421
- 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,530
- You guys, I'm just like
- a-a-a giant stress ball
- 422
- 00:16:14,530 --> 00:16:17,630
- from November to New Year's.
- 423
- 00:16:17,630 --> 00:16:20,400
- I just wanna enjoy
- Christmas again.
- 424
- 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,310
- Yeah.
- 425
- 00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:23,310
- (SIGHS)
- 426
- 00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:27,210
- Well, then let's do it.
- 427
- 00:16:27,210 --> 00:16:28,440
- What?
- 428
- 00:16:28,450 --> 00:16:29,880
- Guys, what is wrong with us?
- 429
- 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,810
- Have we learned nothing?
- This is bullshit.
- 430
- 00:16:31,820 --> 00:16:34,880
- I am disappointed
- in this threesome.
- 431
- 00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:36,750
- We are mothers.
- 432
- 00:16:36,750 --> 00:16:39,220
- And if things are not going
- our way, then what do we do?
- 433
- 00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:41,060
- We hide in the bathroom.
- 434
- 00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:42,290
- - No.
- - No.
- 435
- 00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:43,630
- No, we don't,
- we don't do that.
- 436
- 00:16:43,630 --> 00:16:45,660
- - Uh-unh.
- - We s... No, we stand up.
- 437
- 00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:48,230
- - And we fight back.
- - Fight back. Yes.
- 438
- 00:16:48,230 --> 00:16:51,830
- So if we wanna do Christmas
- our way this year
- 439
- 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,600
- then we're gonna do
- Christmas our way.
- 440
- 00:16:54,610 --> 00:16:57,910
- No more perfect gifts,
- no more perfect decorations
- 441
- 00:16:57,910 --> 00:16:59,410
- no more perfect anything.
- 442
- 00:16:59,410 --> 00:17:01,980
- - Fuck it.
- - Let's take Christmas back.
- 443
- 00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,780
- Let's put the "ass" back.
- 444
- 00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:06,450
- - In "Christm-ass."
- - What?
- 445
- 00:17:06,450 --> 00:17:09,120
- That didn't come out exactly as
- I planned, but y-you guys get...
- 446
- 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,920
- - Yeah, we know what you meant.
- - Yeah, we get you.
- 447
- 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,590
- Okay, to taking Christmas back.
- 448
- 00:17:12,590 --> 00:17:13,620
- Yes!
- 449
- 00:17:15,430 --> 00:17:17,360
- ♪ Go go go go ♪
- 450
- 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,830
- - ♪ Go go ♪
- - ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- 451
- 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,530
- Merry Christmas!
- 452
- 00:17:22,530 --> 00:17:25,430
- ♪ I wanna live like
- it's Mardi Gras and ♪
- 453
- 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,040
- ♪ Don't need no R and R ♪
- 454
- 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,800
- - What?
- - Yes.
- 455
- 00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:29,870
- Now, it's gonna be better.
- 456
- 00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:31,140
- Now, it is gonna be better.
- 457
- 00:17:31,140 --> 00:17:32,270
- ♪ Good vibes only ♪
- 458
- 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,180
- ♪ I just tapped a keg ♪
- 459
- 00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:36,040
- ♪ I'mma fill my cup ♪
- 460
- 00:17:36,050 --> 00:17:38,110
- ♪ Got fireworks got booze ♪
- 461
- 00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:39,980
- ♪ Let's blow some shit up ♪
- 462
- 00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:41,880
- ♪ Tonight I'm going stupid ♪
- 463
- 00:17:41,890 --> 00:17:44,120
- ♪ Doing things
- I've never done ♪
- 464
- 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,220
- ♪ We all got one thing
- in common ♪
- 465
- 00:17:46,220 --> 00:17:48,690
- ♪ We just wanna have fun hey ♪
- 466
- 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,330
- Okay, who's next?
- 467
- 00:17:55,330 --> 00:17:57,500
- ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- 468
- 00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:59,640
- ♪ Hey ♪
- 469
- 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,670
- ♪ Whoo ♪
- 470
- 00:18:01,670 --> 00:18:02,910
- ♪ Hey ♪
- 471
- 00:18:02,910 --> 00:18:04,170
- ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- 472
- 00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,080
- ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- 473
- 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,210
- - ♪ Do something wild ♪
- - ♪ Whoo ♪
- 474
- 00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:10,180
- - ♪ Be someone different ♪
- - ♪ Hey ♪
- 475
- 00:18:10,180 --> 00:18:12,310
- - ♪ Switch up that style ♪
- - ♪ Hey ♪
- 476
- 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:16,590
- Hey! Do you know which one
- is better for the vagina?
- 477
- 00:18:16,590 --> 00:18:19,090
- (LAUGHS)
- 478
- 00:18:19,090 --> 00:18:21,520
- ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- 479
- 00:18:21,530 --> 00:18:23,560
- ♪ Hey ♪
- 480
- 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,030
- ♪ Whoo ♪
- 481
- 00:18:26,030 --> 00:18:29,400
- - Attention, shoppers!
- - Excuse me!
- 482
- 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,530
- CARLA:
- I am drunk and horny!
- 483
- 00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:33,540
- I repeat,
- I am drunk and horny!
- 484
- 00:18:34,870 --> 00:18:37,210
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- 485
- 00:18:37,210 --> 00:18:38,540
- ♪ Break it down ♪
- 486
- 00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:46,550
- - ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- - ♪ Go ♪
- 487
- 00:18:46,550 --> 00:18:50,190
- ♪ Go go go go go go go ♪
- 488
- 00:18:50,190 --> 00:18:54,120
- ♪ Go go go go go
- go go go go ♪
- 489
- 00:18:54,130 --> 00:18:56,360
- Oh, shit. Wait, you guys.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- 490
- 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:57,890
- I still have to go
- Christmas tree shopping
- 491
- 00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:59,860
- with my mom.
- 492
- 00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:01,700
- I just had a really dumb idea.
- 493
- 00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:04,230
- ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- 494
- 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,100
- ♪ Hey ♪
- 495
- 00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:08,140
- ♪ Whoo ♪
- 496
- 00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:09,640
- ♪ Hey ♪
- 497
- 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:10,810
- ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- 498
- 00:19:10,810 --> 00:19:12,580
- ♪ Do something
- crazy ♪
- 499
- 00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:14,780
- - ♪ Do something wild ♪
- - ♪ Whoo ♪
- 500
- 00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:16,480
- ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- 501
- 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,310
- (LAUGHING)
- 502
- 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:19,620
- ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- 503
- 00:19:22,990 --> 00:19:24,950
- Alright, guys. Here.
- 504
- 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,790
- - Ooh, we got some popcorn.
- - I got extra.
- 505
- 00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:27,890
- - Yes.
- - You guys ready?
- 506
- 00:19:27,890 --> 00:19:30,260
- - Look at that.
- - Okay.
- 507
- 00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:32,430
- - This is really nice, mom.
- - Yeah.
- 508
- 00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:34,100
- We should do all Christmas
- like this.
- 509
- 00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,130
- Yeah, can we just
- hang out together
- 510
- 00:19:36,130 --> 00:19:38,430
- and skip all the annoying stuff?
- 511
- 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,440
- Yeah, you guys, I...
- 512
- 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,400
- I would actually
- really like that.
- 513
- 00:19:42,410 --> 00:19:45,010
- Hey, Jessie, you should come
- over on Christmas.
- 514
- 00:19:46,110 --> 00:19:48,180
- Um, yeah, yeah.
- 515
- 00:19:48,180 --> 00:19:49,580
- I don't know.
- It's kind of a big deal.
- 516
- 00:19:49,580 --> 00:19:51,310
- I wouldn't want to impose.
- 517
- 00:19:51,310 --> 00:19:53,310
- (SIGHS)
- Don't be weird, dad.
- 518
- 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,520
- We'll be here.
- 519
- 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,480
- (CHUCKLES)
- 520
- 00:19:56,490 --> 00:19:59,190
- - Is that okay?
- - Yeah.
- 521
- 00:19:59,190 --> 00:20:01,160
- Yeah, I would
- actually love that.
- 522
- 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:02,360
- - Me, too.
- - Okay.
- 523
- 00:20:04,030 --> 00:20:06,160
- Good evening, everyo...
- 524
- 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:09,330
- RUTH:
- What in God's name is that?
- 525
- 00:20:09,330 --> 00:20:11,430
- Oh, that is our
- new Christmas tree.
- 526
- 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,000
- I got it at Lady Foot Locker.
- 527
- 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,870
- - Do you like it?
- - No, I don't, Amy.
- 528
- 00:20:14,870 --> 00:20:17,340
- - I find it revolting.
- - Oh.
- 529
- 00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,880
- What is this thing
- doing in your house?
- 530
- 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,110
- I don't know, I-I didn't wanna
- 531
- 00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:22,480
- waste time tree shopping
- this year.
- 532
- 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,210
- I actually wanted
- to enjoy Christmas.
- 533
- 00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:25,980
- Amy, you are a mom.
- 534
- 00:20:25,980 --> 00:20:28,020
- Moms don't enjoy,
- they give joy.
- 535
- 00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:29,520
- That's how being a mom works.
- 536
- 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,790
- And this hideous tree
- does not give joy to anybody.
- 537
- 00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:35,560
- I don't know,
- I-I kind of like it.
- 538
- 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:36,720
- - Thank you.
- - Yeah.
- 539
- 00:20:36,730 --> 00:20:38,990
- Who are you,
- and why are you talking?
- 540
- 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,560
- Mom, please be nice.
- This is Jessie. You met him.
- 541
- 00:20:41,570 --> 00:20:43,370
- RUTH:
- I'm tired of this conversation.
- 542
- 00:20:43,370 --> 00:20:44,800
- But if you think for one second
- 543
- 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,840
- I'm gonna let
- your lazy shenanigans
- 544
- 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,740
- ruin Christmas
- for this entire family
- 545
- 00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:51,040
- you are very much mistaken.
- 546
- 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,510
- Goodnight, dear children.
- 547
- 00:20:52,510 --> 00:20:54,640
- Here, have some
- iTunes gift cards.
- 548
- 00:20:54,650 --> 00:20:57,180
- Mom, seriously? You have to
- stop giving them gifts.
- 549
- 00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:58,480
- DYLAN:
- Thanks, grandma.
- 550
- 00:20:58,480 --> 00:20:59,980
- Honey, did you see
- these ornaments?
- 551
- 00:20:59,980 --> 00:21:01,650
- They are all little shoes.
- 552
- 00:21:01,650 --> 00:21:02,920
- I swear to God, Hank.
- 553
- 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,420
- I will drive you
- to a fire station
- 554
- 00:21:04,420 --> 00:21:06,160
- and I will leave you there.
- 555
- 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,500
- - Hi.
- - Hi.
- 556
- 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,400
- How was your night?
- 557
- 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,700
- - So good.
- - Yeah?
- 558
- 00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:18,900
- Yeah.
- 559
- 00:21:24,180 --> 00:21:26,240
- Mmm.
- 560
- 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,940
- You taste like grape soda.
- 561
- 00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:29,910
- I know. I had a Welch's
- right before bed.
- 562
- 00:21:29,910 --> 00:21:31,350
- (GASPS)
- 563
- 00:21:32,220 --> 00:21:33,690
- (CHUCKLES)
- 564
- 00:21:37,550 --> 00:21:39,190
- - Mmm.
- - Hmm.
- 565
- 00:21:39,190 --> 00:21:40,360
- (SANDY SNEEZING)
- 566
- 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,690
- - Bless you.
- - Bless you.
- 567
- 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,030
- (GASPS)
- Mom!
- 568
- 00:21:47,030 --> 00:21:48,560
- Hi, guys.
- 569
- 00:21:48,570 --> 00:21:50,200
- What are you doing in here?
- 570
- 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,200
- Well, I just came in here
- to watch you fall asleep
- 571
- 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,740
- like I always do
- and then you started
- 572
- 00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:56,110
- going at it
- like monkeys in a zoo.
- 573
- 00:21:56,110 --> 00:21:57,740
- You watch me fall asleep
- every night?
- 574
- 00:21:57,740 --> 00:21:59,470
- Well, except after
- Blue Bloods, I know
- 575
- 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,910
- that's your
- special intercourse night.
- 576
- 00:22:01,910 --> 00:22:04,550
- Oh, honey,
- I'm so glad to see
- 577
- 00:22:04,550 --> 00:22:06,480
- you have such a vibrant
- sex life.
- 578
- 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,750
- It's so important
- for you and Kent
- 579
- 00:22:08,750 --> 00:22:10,320
- to just bang each other.
- 580
- 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,450
- And Kent.
- 581
- 00:22:13,460 --> 00:22:15,890
- I am so happy
- 582
- 00:22:15,890 --> 00:22:18,430
- that you're able to get
- an erection again.
- 583
- 00:22:18,430 --> 00:22:20,600
- Yay!
- 584
- 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,830
- And Kiki.
- 585
- 00:22:22,830 --> 00:22:24,570
- He's so much bigger
- than your dad was.
- 586
- 00:22:24,570 --> 00:22:26,100
- Okay, mom, thanks, you can go
- 587
- 00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:28,100
- before my husband never
- has sex with me again.
- 588
- 00:22:28,100 --> 00:22:29,340
- Yup.
- 589
- 00:22:31,270 --> 00:22:32,770
- Oh, and, honey
- 590
- 00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:34,310
- your dad liked it
- when I tickled his balls.
- 591
- 00:22:34,310 --> 00:22:36,150
- Okay, you need
- to stop talking.
- 592
- 00:22:36,150 --> 00:22:37,950
- I'm gonna come check on you guys
- in a little while.
- 593
- 00:22:37,950 --> 00:22:39,620
- Oh, please don't.
- 594
- 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,090
- Oh, wow.
- 595
- 00:22:47,090 --> 00:22:50,930
- - You need to talk to your mom.
- - I know.
- 596
- 00:22:50,930 --> 00:22:52,990
- She needs some boundaries.
- 597
- 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:56,260
- - Or at least, a boundary.
- - I know.
- 598
- 00:22:56,270 --> 00:22:58,530
- I just, uh...
- 599
- 00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:00,700
- I don't wanna hurt
- her feelings.
- 600
- 00:23:00,710 --> 00:23:03,270
- And, you know,
- ever since my dad died
- 601
- 00:23:03,270 --> 00:23:05,710
- I'm, like, pretty much
- her only family.
- 602
- 00:23:05,710 --> 00:23:08,980
- So I'm worried that if I
- push her away even a little
- 603
- 00:23:08,980 --> 00:23:11,710
- that it's gonna break
- her heart.
- 604
- 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,220
- She saw my boner, Kiki.
- 605
- 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:15,790
- Yeah.
- 606
- 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:21,330
- (THUDDING)
- 607
- 00:23:23,130 --> 00:23:25,560
- Oh, my God. What the...
- 608
- 00:23:30,230 --> 00:23:34,200
- What... the fuck?
- 609
- 00:23:34,210 --> 00:23:37,140
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 610
- 00:23:50,690 --> 00:23:52,390
- Okay, bring the French hens
- 611
- 00:23:52,390 --> 00:23:54,590
- three inches to the left.
- 612
- 00:23:54,590 --> 00:23:56,720
- RUTH:
- Yeah. Yeah.
- 613
- 00:23:56,730 --> 00:23:58,160
- Mom?
- 614
- 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:01,500
- What are you doing?
- 615
- 00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:03,330
- I am decorating
- your house properly
- 616
- 00:24:03,330 --> 00:24:06,230
- because apparently, you are
- unwilling to do so yourself.
- 617
- 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,500
- Why does my house
- have to be properly decorated?
- 618
- 00:24:08,510 --> 00:24:10,840
- Making Christmas special
- is how you show
- 619
- 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,510
- your family
- that you love them, Amy.
- 620
- 00:24:12,510 --> 00:24:13,940
- You don't want
- your kids to think
- 621
- 00:24:13,940 --> 00:24:15,280
- that they're worthless
- and unloved.
- 622
- 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,040
- - Do you?
- - Well, no, of course not.
- 623
- 00:24:17,050 --> 00:24:19,550
- This is the time of year
- when moms kill themselves
- 624
- 00:24:19,550 --> 00:24:22,380
- to create a magical world
- of joy for their children.
- 625
- 00:24:22,390 --> 00:24:24,450
- It is not a time of year
- when moms sit around
- 626
- 00:24:24,460 --> 00:24:25,890
- in their pajamas
- eating fudge.
- 627
- 00:24:25,890 --> 00:24:27,560
- - I don't even like fudge.
- - Great.
- 628
- 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,220
- So stop being a shitty mom.
- 629
- 00:24:29,230 --> 00:24:30,730
- - Oh.
- - Hey, kids.
- 630
- 00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:32,860
- How do you like
- the Christmas cavalcade, huh?
- 631
- 00:24:32,860 --> 00:24:35,360
- - Oh, my gosh. It's awesome.
- - Show mom how it works!
- 632
- 00:24:35,370 --> 00:24:37,570
- Really, Amy,
- you are gonna love this. Okay.
- 633
- 00:24:37,570 --> 00:24:41,300
- We are go for
- the cavalcade, over.
- 634
- 00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:44,370
- Don't worry, I'll show you
- how this works. It's on an app.
- 635
- 00:24:44,380 --> 00:24:46,280
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 636
- 00:24:47,650 --> 00:24:49,910
- Oh, you installed
- outdoor speakers.
- 637
- 00:24:49,910 --> 00:24:51,580
- Shh-shh, wait for it,
- wait for it.
- 638
- 00:24:54,490 --> 00:24:57,150
- ♪ Eleven pipers piping ♪
- 639
- 00:24:57,150 --> 00:24:59,950
- ♪ Ten lords a-leaping
- nine ladies dancing ♪
- 640
- 00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,590
- ♪ Eight maids a-milking
- seven swans a-swimming ♪
- 641
- 00:25:02,590 --> 00:25:03,960
- ♪ Six geese a-laying ♪
- 642
- 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,490
- ♪ Five golden rings ♪
- 643
- 00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:06,730
- ♪ Five golden rings ♪
- 644
- 00:25:06,730 --> 00:25:08,130
- How much did this cost?
- 645
- 00:25:08,130 --> 00:25:09,500
- How can you put a price tag
- 646
- 00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:11,970
- on a child's happiness, Amy?
- 647
- 00:25:11,970 --> 00:25:14,900
- - It was very expensive.
- - God! Mom!
- 648
- 00:25:14,910 --> 00:25:17,410
- Wait for it,
- this is the big ending!
- 649
- 00:25:17,410 --> 00:25:18,510
- (EXPLOSION)
- 650
- 00:25:18,510 --> 00:25:20,910
- (LAUGHTER)
- 651
- 00:25:22,410 --> 00:25:25,250
- AMY:
- Are those actual partridges?
- 652
- 00:25:25,250 --> 00:25:26,810
- Of course.
- 653
- 00:25:26,820 --> 00:25:28,620
- They don't have
- any survival skills.
- 654
- 00:25:28,620 --> 00:25:31,090
- They'll be dead within an hour.
- 655
- 00:25:31,090 --> 00:25:32,320
- - Okay.
- - Here, kids.
- 656
- 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,420
- Have some breakfast candy.
- 657
- 00:25:34,430 --> 00:25:36,120
- - I'm sorry, what?
- - Oh, my God.
- 658
- 00:25:36,130 --> 00:25:37,590
- Thank you, grandma.
- I love you.
- 659
- 00:25:37,590 --> 00:25:40,430
- I love you.
- I love you, too, guys.
- 660
- 00:25:40,430 --> 00:25:42,130
- Okay, let's reload the birds.
- 661
- 00:25:42,130 --> 00:25:43,170
- And I hate that they're gray.
- 662
- 00:25:43,170 --> 00:25:44,770
- Let's paint them all white.
- 663
- 00:25:44,770 --> 00:25:46,800
- And can't they look
- a little happier
- 664
- 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,140
- when they fly away?
- 665
- 00:25:48,140 --> 00:25:49,210
- I mean, it is Christmas.
- 666
- 00:25:51,270 --> 00:25:53,940
- Your mom decorated your house?
- 667
- 00:25:53,940 --> 00:25:56,210
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- That is not okay.
- 668
- 00:25:56,210 --> 00:25:58,550
- Who cares, let her
- decorate your house.
- 669
- 00:25:58,550 --> 00:25:59,850
- She wanna do mine next?
- 670
- 00:25:59,850 --> 00:26:01,350
- It's-it's not about the house.
- 671
- 00:26:01,350 --> 00:26:03,780
- It's-it's about the fact
- that I'm a 34-year-old woman
- 672
- 00:26:03,790 --> 00:26:06,520
- and my mother is still telling
- me how to live my life.
- 673
- 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,290
- Well, then you need
- to fight her.
- 674
- 00:26:09,290 --> 00:26:11,830
- Like... physically?
- 675
- 00:26:11,830 --> 00:26:13,400
- That is correct, Amy.
- 676
- 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,030
- I can teach you
- some basic karate moves.
- 677
- 00:26:15,030 --> 00:26:16,800
- But we all know that
- she's gonna keep treating you
- 678
- 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,230
- like this until you beat
- the shit out of her.
- 679
- 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,240
- I don't want you to meet my mom.
- 680
- 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,010
- She's a 62-year-old woman,
- so...
- 681
- 00:26:24,010 --> 00:26:25,410
- Fine, but you need to have
- 682
- 00:26:25,410 --> 00:26:27,740
- at least a serious
- conversation with her.
- 683
- 00:26:27,740 --> 00:26:29,540
- - That sounds more legal.
- - I know. I know.
- 684
- 00:26:29,550 --> 00:26:31,650
- And where's your dad
- in all this?
- 685
- 00:26:31,650 --> 00:26:33,510
- Oh, my dad, he's so sweet.
- 686
- 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:34,880
- But he's completely
- under her control.
- 687
- 00:26:34,890 --> 00:26:36,220
- I mean, there's no way
- he's gonna choose
- 688
- 00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:37,750
- my side over hers, no.
- 689
- 00:26:37,750 --> 00:26:40,490
- - Sweetie, that's hard.
- - Oh...
- 690
- 00:26:40,490 --> 00:26:42,990
- Moms are so weird.
- 691
- 00:26:42,990 --> 00:26:45,030
- How's Christmas with your mom?
- 692
- 00:26:45,030 --> 00:26:47,230
- Oh, you know. It's...
- 693
- 00:26:47,230 --> 00:26:49,430
- It's okay-it's okay,
- I guess. Yeah.
- 694
- 00:26:49,430 --> 00:26:52,330
- I mean, my mom got her hair cut
- 695
- 00:26:52,340 --> 00:26:55,000
- and colored exactly
- like mine, but...
- 696
- 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,840
- I think that's pretty
- normal, right?
- 697
- 00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,610
- Your... Did your moms...
- 698
- 00:26:58,610 --> 00:27:02,280
- Do your moms have
- your... hairstyle?
- 699
- 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,780
- You know, every time
- 700
- 00:27:04,780 --> 00:27:07,380
- I think I'm the fucked-up one
- in this group
- 701
- 00:27:07,380 --> 00:27:11,890
- Kiki, you open your mouth,
- and then I'm like
- 702
- 00:27:11,890 --> 00:27:14,620
- "No, I'm doing great."
- 703
- 00:27:14,630 --> 00:27:16,690
- (LAUGHING)
- 704
- 00:27:16,690 --> 00:27:18,860
- Anyway, uh, my mom and
- I were gonna
- 705
- 00:27:18,860 --> 00:27:20,600
- take the kids over
- to Sky Zone later.
- 706
- 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:22,200
- - Do you guys wanna come?
- - Legally...
- 707
- 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,530
- I can't get within
- 50 yards of a Sky Zone but...
- 708
- 00:27:25,540 --> 00:27:27,570
- Okay, you know what?
- Fuck it. I'm totally in.
- 709
- 00:27:27,570 --> 00:27:29,740
- - Amy?
- - Oh, I can't-I can't go.
- 710
- 00:27:29,740 --> 00:27:31,470
- I wish I could,
- but my mother's making us
- 711
- 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,080
- go see "The Nutcracker." So...
- 712
- 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,480
- - I love "The Nutcracker."
- - Oh, no, no, no, no!
- 713
- 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,810
- Not like the Sugar Plum Fairy
- "Nutcracker."
- 714
- 00:27:37,810 --> 00:27:41,220
- No, the original,
- the five-hour long version
- 715
- 00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:43,620
- that's all in Russian,
- where a bunch of people die.
- 716
- 00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:45,220
- It's-it's awful.
- 717
- 00:27:45,220 --> 00:27:47,050
- - Why don't you just not go?
- - Oh, God, no.
- 718
- 00:27:47,060 --> 00:27:48,960
- No, she would never let me
- live it down.
- 719
- 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,730
- It's much easier
- to do it this way.
- 720
- 00:27:50,730 --> 00:27:54,100
- Guys, are we not taking
- Christmas back this year?
- 721
- 00:27:54,100 --> 00:27:55,760
- - Yeah.
- - Hmm.
- 722
- 00:27:55,770 --> 00:27:57,600
- I'm asking you that seriously
- 'cause I got so wasted
- 723
- 00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,500
- at the mall, I can't remember
- if I actually said that
- 724
- 00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:01,470
- or if that's just something that
- I'm dreaming about right now.
- 725
- 00:28:01,470 --> 00:28:03,410
- (LAUGHS)
- 726
- 00:28:03,410 --> 00:28:05,270
- Oh, shit. I'm so late for work.
- 727
- 00:28:05,270 --> 00:28:08,240
- You guys, do you wanna know
- what I've been working on?
- 728
- 00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:10,680
- - Happy Holidays.
- - Oh, my...
- 729
- 00:28:14,250 --> 00:28:17,120
- - Carla!
- - Broke my cock!
- 730
- 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,790
- - Just go to work.
- - I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!
- 731
- 00:28:19,790 --> 00:28:22,190
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 732
- 00:28:29,870 --> 00:28:34,640
- - What up, lady?
- - Mom! What are you doing here?
- 733
- 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,370
- What does it look like
- I'm doing?
- 734
- 00:28:36,370 --> 00:28:40,140
- I'm waiting for my daughter
- to give me a free manicure.
- 735
- 00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:43,210
- - Free manicure, huh?
- - Yeah.
- 736
- 00:28:43,210 --> 00:28:46,210
- Alright. Well, at least
- I'm not waxing your pussy.
- 737
- 00:28:46,220 --> 00:28:48,620
- - Maybe next time.
- - Okay.
- 738
- 00:28:48,620 --> 00:28:52,490
- So, what's up?
- You seein' anybody?
- 739
- 00:28:52,490 --> 00:28:54,390
- Well, you know,
- there was a couple of things
- 740
- 00:28:54,390 --> 00:28:56,160
- going with some dads
- from school.
- 741
- 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,860
- But it gets complicated.
- 742
- 00:28:58,860 --> 00:29:01,800
- Plus, like, there is not
- a better time of the year
- 743
- 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,370
- to be single than Christmas.
- 744
- 00:29:03,370 --> 00:29:05,230
- I mean, it's like,
- I go to the mall
- 745
- 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:08,400
- and I see these, you know,
- these couples walking around.
- 746
- 00:29:08,410 --> 00:29:12,340
- And they're, they're, like,
- holding hands and...
- 747
- 00:29:12,340 --> 00:29:14,910
- You know,
- wearing scarves
- 748
- 00:29:14,910 --> 00:29:17,550
- and feeding
- each other sandwiches
- 749
- 00:29:17,550 --> 00:29:22,150
- and lookin' at jewelry,
- you know...
- 750
- 00:29:22,150 --> 00:29:24,590
- ♪ Every kiss
- begins with Kay ♪
- 751
- 00:29:24,590 --> 00:29:26,660
- - Alright, stop. Stop.
- - What?
- 752
- 00:29:26,660 --> 00:29:29,830
- - You sound super lonely.
- - No!
- 753
- 00:29:29,830 --> 00:29:32,090
- Babe, listen,
- the rock and roll lifestyle
- 754
- 00:29:32,100 --> 00:29:33,490
- isn't for everybody.
- 755
- 00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:35,500
- I'm still super rock and roll.
- 756
- 00:29:35,500 --> 00:29:37,700
- I woke up in a park
- this morning.
- 757
- 00:29:37,700 --> 00:29:42,070
- Carla. I found kale chips
- in your kitchen.
- 758
- 00:29:42,070 --> 00:29:44,910
- - Okay, those are for my kid.
- - Right.
- 759
- 00:29:44,910 --> 00:29:46,280
- They're healthy as fuck.
- 760
- 00:29:47,510 --> 00:29:49,910
- Th... They say
- they're heart-smart.
- 761
- 00:29:49,910 --> 00:29:52,250
- You really care about
- your kid, don't you?
- 762
- 00:29:52,250 --> 00:29:54,520
- Yeah, he's my...
- 763
- 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:56,520
- I mean, most... people
- 764
- 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,120
- care about their children, mom.
- 765
- 00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,250
- Whatever, I just can't keep up
- 766
- 00:30:00,260 --> 00:30:02,430
- with the latest
- parenting trends.
- 767
- 00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:09,900
- So, how you doin'?
- 768
- 00:30:09,900 --> 00:30:12,470
- I've been better actually,
- to tell you the truth. I...
- 769
- 00:30:12,470 --> 00:30:15,270
- There is something
- that I'm very excited about
- 770
- 00:30:15,270 --> 00:30:16,970
- which I just need
- a little money for...
- 771
- 00:30:16,970 --> 00:30:18,740
- Here we go.
- 772
- 00:30:18,740 --> 00:30:20,940
- - What?
- - You always do this.
- 773
- 00:30:20,940 --> 00:30:22,740
- What?
- 774
- 00:30:22,750 --> 00:30:24,380
- You show back up in my life.
- 775
- 00:30:24,380 --> 00:30:26,280
- You ask me for money,
- I give it to you.
- 776
- 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:29,220
- You gamble it all away
- and you leave me and then
- 777
- 00:30:29,220 --> 00:30:31,420
- you just come runnin' back
- asking for more.
- 778
- 00:30:31,420 --> 00:30:33,550
- I give it to you again
- 'cause I'm an idiot.
- 779
- 00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:35,260
- This is a legitimate
- 780
- 00:30:35,260 --> 00:30:37,990
- business opportunity.
- 781
- 00:30:37,990 --> 00:30:39,430
- How much do you need?
- 782
- 00:30:39,430 --> 00:30:41,600
- Not much. Like five grand.
- 783
- 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,500
- Really. Fiv... Between five
- and ten grand, maybe 15, tops.
- 784
- 00:30:44,500 --> 00:30:46,570
- (SIGHS)
- 785
- 00:30:46,570 --> 00:30:48,300
- Okay, I'll think about it.
- 786
- 00:30:48,300 --> 00:30:49,570
- Good!
- 787
- 00:30:51,770 --> 00:30:55,440
- Wow, you have some
- really cool shit here, huh?
- 788
- 00:30:55,450 --> 00:30:58,580
- Nice, classy place.
- 789
- 00:30:58,580 --> 00:31:00,490
- I wish I'd brought my purse.
- 790
- 00:31:03,350 --> 00:31:06,290
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 791
- 00:31:10,330 --> 00:31:12,830
- Why do we have to go to
- the "Russian Nutcracker" again?
- 792
- 00:31:12,830 --> 00:31:13,990
- I mean, we're not even Russian.
- 793
- 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:15,260
- The "Russian Nutcracker"
- 794
- 00:31:15,260 --> 00:31:17,500
- is the real "Nutcracker."
- 795
- 00:31:17,500 --> 00:31:21,000
- Not the sellout Disney version
- with all the dancing and joy.
- 796
- 00:31:22,270 --> 00:31:24,670
- Is it actually five hours long?
- 797
- 00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:27,180
- Yes, and you will love
- every minute of it.
- 798
- 00:31:27,180 --> 00:31:29,340
- Now, just listen
- to this beautiful music.
- 799
- 00:31:29,350 --> 00:31:31,520
- (OPERA MUSIC ON RADIO)
- 800
- 00:31:33,180 --> 00:31:36,480
- This song is called
- "When Boris Gets Murdered."
- 801
- 00:31:36,490 --> 00:31:38,820
- It sounds like
- someone's yelling at us.
- 802
- 00:31:38,820 --> 00:31:40,720
- Why can't we just
- go do something fun?
- 803
- 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:41,960
- (RUTH HUMMING)
- 804
- 00:31:44,730 --> 00:31:47,130
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- 805
- 00:31:47,130 --> 00:31:48,530
- Where are you going?
- It's not left.
- 806
- 00:31:48,530 --> 00:31:50,030
- - The theater's to the right.
- - Oh, I know.
- 807
- 00:31:50,030 --> 00:31:51,400
- We're not goin' to the theater.
- 808
- 00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:52,530
- Where are you taking us?
- 809
- 00:31:52,540 --> 00:31:53,800
- You'll see.
- 810
- 00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,910
- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
- 811
- 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:05,550
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 812
- 00:32:14,860 --> 00:32:16,190
- Merry Christmas, guys!
- Welcome to Sky Zone!
- 813
- 00:32:16,190 --> 00:32:17,390
- - Merry Christmas!
- - Merry Christmas!
- 814
- 00:32:17,390 --> 00:32:19,160
- - Alright, uh, three kid passes?
- - Yes.
- 815
- 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,730
- No, no. Uh, sorry. We're-we're
- actually all gonna go.
- 816
- 00:32:21,730 --> 00:32:23,930
- - We're all gonna do it.
- - No, we're not all doing it.
- 817
- 00:32:23,930 --> 00:32:25,900
- It smells like diapers in here.
- 818
- 00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:28,840
- - Amy! You guys made it!
- - Hey!
- 819
- 00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:31,270
- - I'm so glad you guys came!
- - Oh, my God. Me, too.
- 820
- 00:32:31,270 --> 00:32:33,040
- I think my mother's gonna kill
- me in the middle of the night.
- 821
- 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:36,010
- - But it's totally worth it.
- - Hi, I'm Carla's mom.
- 822
- 00:32:36,010 --> 00:32:37,410
- - Hi. Isis!
- - Yeah.
- 823
- 00:32:37,410 --> 00:32:39,050
- - Oh, yeah! Yeah!
- - Nice to meet you.
- 824
- 00:32:39,050 --> 00:32:43,220
- Hi. You must be Amy's mom.
- I'm Carla.
- 825
- 00:32:43,220 --> 00:32:45,120
- Jaxon, honey,
- mama needs more hooch.
- 826
- 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:46,890
- - Ooh, good idea.
- - Yeah.
- 827
- 00:32:46,890 --> 00:32:49,060
- - Top me off, babe.
- - That's my son, Jaxon.
- 828
- 00:32:49,060 --> 00:32:51,960
- - This is my mom, Isis.
- - Hello. Ruth.
- 829
- 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,700
- - Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
- - Huh. Isis.
- 830
- 00:32:55,700 --> 00:32:58,730
- Like the terrorist organization.
- 831
- 00:32:58,740 --> 00:33:02,570
- - This is my mom, Sandy.
- - Oh, hi, Amy.
- 832
- 00:33:02,570 --> 00:33:05,310
- I've heard so much about you.
- 833
- 00:33:05,310 --> 00:33:09,280
- Oh, boy! You really have
- the same haircuts.
- 834
- 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:12,580
- Hello, I'm Ruth.
- I'm Amy's mom.
- 835
- 00:33:12,580 --> 00:33:15,390
- I'm Jessie. I was literally
- just in the car with you.
- 836
- 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:20,550
- Come on. Who's ready
- to have some Christmas fun?
- 837
- 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,790
- ♪ I ain't scared
- I ain't scared ♪
- 838
- 00:33:22,790 --> 00:33:25,160
- ♪ I can't stop
- so let's go oh oh ♪
- 839
- 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,260
- ♪ I like it
- when you do it like that ♪
- 840
- 00:33:27,260 --> 00:33:29,000
- ♪ You like it
- when I do it like that ♪
- 841
- 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:31,570
- ♪ And I know when
- we're moving like that ♪
- 842
- 00:33:31,570 --> 00:33:34,140
- ♪ Ain't nobody else
- do it like that ♪
- 843
- 00:33:34,140 --> 00:33:36,300
- - ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- - ♪ Watch me now ♪
- 844
- 00:33:36,310 --> 00:33:38,010
- - ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- - ♪ Don't stop me now ♪
- 845
- 00:33:38,010 --> 00:33:40,240
- ♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪
- 846
- 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,350
- ♪ Like I do it I'm gon' do it
- like a star ♪
- 847
- 00:33:43,350 --> 00:33:45,150
- ♪ Yeah I like it
- when you do it like that ♪
- 848
- 00:33:45,150 --> 00:33:47,650
- ♪ Know exactly what you thinking
- when I do it like that ♪
- 849
- 00:33:47,650 --> 00:33:49,620
- ♪ Pull it right back
- turn the beat so fast ♪
- 850
- 00:33:49,620 --> 00:33:52,020
- ♪ Keep the bass real low
- I keep it just like that yeah ♪
- 851
- 00:33:52,020 --> 00:33:54,320
- - ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- - ♪ Watch me now ♪
- 852
- 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,160
- - ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- - ♪ Don't stop me now ♪
- 853
- 00:33:56,160 --> 00:33:58,160
- ♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪
- 854
- 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,430
- ♪ Like I do it
- I'm gon' do it ♪
- 855
- 00:34:00,430 --> 00:34:02,600
- ♪ Like that ♪
- 856
- 00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:10,110
- ♪ Hey hey yeah yeah yeah ♪
- 857
- 00:34:10,110 --> 00:34:11,940
- ♪ Yeah I do it do it
- you never do it ♪
- 858
- 00:34:11,940 --> 00:34:14,540
- ♪ I pick it up and throw it
- right back when I get into it ♪
- 859
- 00:34:14,540 --> 00:34:16,710
- ♪ 'Cause there's no holding back
- when I break through it ♪
- 860
- 00:34:16,710 --> 00:34:18,950
- ♪ Better hurry up and get it
- when I do you won't forget it ♪
- 861
- 00:34:18,950 --> 00:34:20,780
- ♪ I like it
- when you do it like that ♪
- 862
- 00:34:20,780 --> 00:34:22,950
- ♪ You like it
- when I do it like that ♪
- 863
- 00:34:22,950 --> 00:34:25,450
- ♪ Ain't nobody else
- do it like that ♪
- 864
- 00:34:25,460 --> 00:34:27,820
- ♪ I like it
- when you do it like that ♪
- 865
- 00:34:27,820 --> 00:34:29,720
- ♪ You like it
- when I do it like that ♪
- 866
- 00:34:29,730 --> 00:34:31,890
- ♪ And I know
- when we do it like that ♪
- 867
- 00:34:31,900 --> 00:34:33,330
- ♪ Ain't nobody else
- do it like that ♪♪
- 868
- 00:34:33,330 --> 00:34:35,860
- Hi, Ruth.
- We bought you a churro.
- 869
- 00:34:35,870 --> 00:34:37,800
- - You want that?
- - No, thank you.
- 870
- 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:39,230
- This place is fun.
- 871
- 00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:41,200
- I never went to a place like
- this when I was a kid.
- 872
- 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:42,670
- My God, no.
- 873
- 00:34:42,670 --> 00:34:44,170
- When I was a kid,
- we would go down
- 874
- 00:34:44,170 --> 00:34:46,340
- to the quarry
- and blow shit up.
- 875
- 00:34:46,340 --> 00:34:48,810
- That's nice.
- Where are you ladies from?
- 876
- 00:34:48,810 --> 00:34:51,050
- I am from Ottawa,
- which is in Canada.
- 877
- 00:34:51,050 --> 00:34:53,250
- And then my husband Dirk
- wanted a faster life
- 878
- 00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:55,820
- so we moved to Bismarck,
- North Dakota.
- 879
- 00:34:55,820 --> 00:34:59,320
- And then I had Kiki
- when I was only 18 years old.
- 880
- 00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:02,690
- And then Dirk died.
- A long, slow, painful death.
- 881
- 00:35:02,690 --> 00:35:06,190
- But we're all gonna die
- sometime, alone and afraid.
- 882
- 00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:08,060
- - Where are you from, Ruth?
- - Chicago.
- 883
- 00:35:08,060 --> 00:35:09,900
- (GASPS)
- The City of Lights!
- 884
- 00:35:09,900 --> 00:35:11,200
- The Windy City.
- 885
- 00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:12,270
- You know what they call
- Bismarck?
- 886
- 00:35:12,270 --> 00:35:13,830
- "The City of Old White People."
- 887
- 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:15,700
- You are so weird.
- 888
- 00:35:15,700 --> 00:35:18,070
- Ruth, did you enjoy
- growing up in Chicago?
- 889
- 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,510
- No. My mother
- was a terrible woman.
- 890
- 00:35:20,510 --> 00:35:22,410
- - Oh.
- - She once slapped me.
- 891
- 00:35:22,410 --> 00:35:24,950
- For wearing open-toed shoes
- on a sailboat.
- 892
- 00:35:24,950 --> 00:35:26,550
- Well, it was
- a different time then.
- 893
- 00:35:26,550 --> 00:35:27,550
- This was two months ago.
- 894
- 00:35:29,220 --> 00:35:31,390
- My daughter thinks
- that I'm so hard on her.
- 895
- 00:35:31,390 --> 00:35:33,020
- But she has no idea
- what I went through
- 896
- 00:35:33,020 --> 00:35:34,520
- with my own mother.
- 897
- 00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:36,890
- When I was 15,
- I got my ears pierced
- 898
- 00:35:36,890 --> 00:35:38,930
- and she called me a whore.
- 899
- 00:35:38,930 --> 00:35:41,100
- And sent me away
- to boarding school.
- 900
- 00:35:41,100 --> 00:35:42,960
- - In Croatia.
- - Croatia?
- 901
- 00:35:42,970 --> 00:35:44,630
- - Now, that is a hard woman.
- - Uh.
- 902
- 00:35:44,630 --> 00:35:46,570
- - Where are you from, Isis?
- - I don't know, everywhere.
- 903
- 00:35:46,570 --> 00:35:48,040
- I never met my parents.
- 904
- 00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:49,870
- I basically just raised myself
- 905
- 00:35:49,870 --> 00:35:51,470
- using my wits and my tits.
- 906
- 00:35:51,470 --> 00:35:53,940
- Oh, wow.
- That sounds disgusting.
- 907
- 00:35:53,940 --> 00:35:56,740
- No, dude, I was a roadie
- for REO Speedwagon
- 908
- 00:35:56,750 --> 00:35:59,080
- for 15 years.
- 909
- 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:02,550
- Oh, um, Isis, you're not allowed
- to smoke cigarettes in here.
- 910
- 00:36:02,550 --> 00:36:03,890
- It's okay.
- It's not a cigarette.
- 911
- 00:36:03,890 --> 00:36:05,320
- - You want some?
- - No! Ahem!
- 912
- 00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:07,920
- - You want some?
- - Uh, no, thank you.
- 913
- 00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:09,790
- - Suit yourself.
- - So...
- 914
- 00:36:09,790 --> 00:36:12,260
- Which church does everyone
- go to on Christmas Eve?
- 915
- 00:36:12,260 --> 00:36:14,290
- Well, I always go
- to midnight mass
- 916
- 00:36:14,300 --> 00:36:16,100
- at Our Mother
- of Perpetual Suffering.
- 917
- 00:36:16,100 --> 00:36:18,270
- It's the premiere service
- in the city.
- 918
- 00:36:18,270 --> 00:36:20,140
- - Great, I'll meet you there.
- - What?
- 919
- 00:36:20,140 --> 00:36:23,000
- This is so nice.
- Making new friends.
- 920
- 00:36:23,010 --> 00:36:25,070
- - Yeah.
- - You guys wanna play dodgeball?
- 921
- 00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:26,840
- No, honey.
- Grandmas don't play dodgeball.
- 922
- 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:28,580
- - We should...
- - What the fuck did she say?
- 923
- 00:36:28,580 --> 00:36:30,850
- She said, "Grandmas
- don't play dodgeball."
- 924
- 00:36:30,850 --> 00:36:33,080
- I got it, but we play.
- We play.
- 925
- 00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:35,150
- I'm in.
- 926
- 00:36:35,150 --> 00:36:38,090
- (MOTLEY CRUE SING
- "KICKSTART MY HEART")
- 927
- 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:54,670
- ♪ When I get high
- I get high on speed ♪
- 928
- 00:36:54,670 --> 00:36:56,840
- ♪ Top fuel funny car's
- a drug for me ♪
- 929
- 00:36:56,840 --> 00:36:58,940
- ♪ My heart my heart ♪
- 930
- 00:36:58,940 --> 00:37:01,310
- ♪ Kickstart my heart ♪
- 931
- 00:37:07,980 --> 00:37:10,620
- ♪ Whoa yeah ♪
- 932
- 00:37:10,620 --> 00:37:13,320
- ♪ Kickstart my heart
- give it a start ♪
- 933
- 00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,860
- ♪ Whoa yeah ♪
- 934
- 00:37:15,860 --> 00:37:18,630
- ♪ Baby ♪
- 935
- 00:37:18,630 --> 00:37:21,360
- ♪ Whoa yeah ♪
- 936
- 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,060
- ♪ Kickstart my heart
- hope it never stops ♪
- 937
- 00:37:24,070 --> 00:37:26,700
- ♪ Oh yeah ♪
- 938
- 00:37:26,700 --> 00:37:29,840
- ♪ Baby ♪
- 939
- 00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:38,820
- (INTENSE MUSIC)
- 940
- 00:38:05,410 --> 00:38:08,340
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 941
- 00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:23,690
- (BELL TOLLS)
- 942
- 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,100
- Tonight was a complete travesty.
- 943
- 00:38:29,100 --> 00:38:30,870
- (CHUCKLES)
- 944
- 00:38:30,870 --> 00:38:32,230
- (IMITATES RUTH)
- 945
- 00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:34,400
- Do you think
- that was funny, Hank?
- 946
- 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,070
- What if I changed out
- your heart pills?
- 947
- 00:38:36,070 --> 00:38:38,740
- - Would that be funny, too?
- - Oh, Jesus, babe.
- 948
- 00:38:38,740 --> 00:38:41,480
- I can't believe
- A-Amy is actually intent
- 949
- 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:42,940
- on ruining Christmas this year.
- 950
- 00:38:42,950 --> 00:38:44,480
- I'm gonna have
- to redouble my efforts.
- 951
- 00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:45,910
- Or you could stop
- fighting with her
- 952
- 00:38:45,910 --> 00:38:47,650
- and we could just have
- a nice Christmas.
- 953
- 00:38:47,650 --> 00:38:50,220
- Do you think I enjoy fighting
- with my daughter, Hank?
- 954
- 00:38:50,220 --> 00:38:53,620
- - Yeah! Oh.
- - Because I don't.
- 955
- 00:38:53,620 --> 00:38:55,560
- I'm just trying to give
- my grandchildren
- 956
- 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,890
- the amazing Christmas
- that they deserve.
- 957
- 00:38:58,890 --> 00:39:01,230
- This is their first Christmas
- without their father.
- 958
- 00:39:01,230 --> 00:39:02,730
- And if it is perfect
- 959
- 00:39:02,730 --> 00:39:05,630
- they will know
- that things are gonna be okay.
- 960
- 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,600
- But if our daughter throws
- a half-assed Christmas
- 961
- 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,910
- it will rattle the kids,
- and they could descend
- 962
- 00:39:10,910 --> 00:39:14,110
- into a spiral of fear,
- depression and drugs.
- 963
- 00:39:14,110 --> 00:39:18,510
- Okay. But the kids looked
- really happy tonight.
- 964
- 00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:19,810
- They would have been happier
- 965
- 00:39:19,820 --> 00:39:21,580
- at the "Russian Nutcracker,"
- Hank.
- 966
- 00:39:21,580 --> 00:39:25,350
- My way of doing Christmas
- is enchanting and magical.
- 967
- 00:39:25,350 --> 00:39:29,090
- And Amy's way of doing Christmas
- is lazy and embarrassing.
- 968
- 00:39:29,090 --> 00:39:30,930
- And my way is better,
- and my way will win.
- 969
- 00:39:30,930 --> 00:39:32,590
- Because my way will always win.
- 970
- 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,960
- Well, I'm just glad
- this is all about the kids.
- 971
- 00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,130
- Hank, I am Amy's mother
- 972
- 00:39:37,130 --> 00:39:38,830
- and it is my job
- 973
- 00:39:38,830 --> 00:39:42,370
- to push her to be the best
- mother she possibly can be.
- 974
- 00:39:42,370 --> 00:39:44,270
- Trust me, someday
- she will thank me
- 975
- 00:39:44,270 --> 00:39:47,270
- in an inspirational speech
- at some large public venue.
- 976
- 00:39:47,280 --> 00:39:48,810
- (INHALES)
- 977
- 00:39:48,810 --> 00:39:50,680
- Now, are you done
- ironing my pajamas, Hank?
- 978
- 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,880
- Yes, Ruth.
- 979
- 00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:54,890
- They're still warm.
- 980
- 00:39:56,050 --> 00:39:58,020
- I'm sorry you're upset.
- 981
- 00:39:59,490 --> 00:40:01,820
- Thank you.
- 982
- 00:40:01,830 --> 00:40:03,730
- It's okay.
- 983
- 00:40:05,130 --> 00:40:06,660
- (SNIFFLES)
- 984
- 00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:10,370
- You're wrinkling my pajamas.
- 985
- 00:40:11,900 --> 00:40:13,330
- I'll get your toothbrush ready.
- 986
- 00:40:13,340 --> 00:40:14,500
- Thank you.
- 987
- 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:18,180
- (BELLS CHIMING)
- 988
- 00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:22,640
- Oh, my God. No more pussies.
- Please, God. No more pussies.
- 989
- 00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,250
- (KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
- Uh, yeah?
- 990
- 00:40:25,250 --> 00:40:27,010
- Oh, hi. Uh...
- 991
- 00:40:27,020 --> 00:40:29,080
- Are you Carla?
- 992
- 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,520
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 993
- 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,520
- Yeah, I am.
- 994
- 00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:36,260
- - Who are you?
- - I'm Ty Swindel.
- 995
- 00:40:36,260 --> 00:40:37,760
- I'm here to get my balls waxed.
- 996
- 00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:39,260
- CARLA:
- That's great news.
- 997
- 00:40:39,260 --> 00:40:42,260
- Why don't you hop
- on my table, Ty Swindel?
- 998
- 00:40:42,270 --> 00:40:43,270
- Alright, thank you.
- 999
- 00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,170
- Okay.
- 1000
- 00:40:46,170 --> 00:40:49,340
- So, uh, have you ever had
- your balls waxed before, Ty?
- 1001
- 00:40:49,340 --> 00:40:51,440
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
- I'm, uh, I'm an exotic dancer.
- 1002
- 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:54,510
- So I have to keep my dick, balls
- and taint smooth at all times.
- 1003
- 00:40:54,510 --> 00:40:55,880
- - Great. Okay, got it.
- - Yeah.
- 1004
- 00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:58,680
- Um, so I am just gonna
- remove the towel
- 1005
- 00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:01,080
- and then we'll apply
- the wax if you...
- 1006
- 00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,450
- Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
- 1007
- 00:41:03,450 --> 00:41:05,120
- Look at the size of that thing.
- 1008
- 00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:07,020
- This... It looks like
- a parking cone.
- 1009
- 00:41:07,020 --> 00:41:09,120
- I am so sorry.
- I forgot to te...
- 1010
- 00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,620
- You know,
- it scares most people.
- 1011
- 00:41:10,630 --> 00:41:12,060
- No, I'm not scared, though.
- I just...
- 1012
- 00:41:12,060 --> 00:41:13,460
- I'm gonna need a lot more...
- 1013
- 00:41:13,460 --> 00:41:16,060
- - Just a lot more wax.
- - Okay.
- 1014
- 00:41:16,060 --> 00:41:17,970
- - So just give me one second.
- - Sure.
- 1015
- 00:41:19,870 --> 00:41:21,370
- Wow. Okay.
- 1016
- 00:41:23,070 --> 00:41:25,470
- So, who usually
- waxes your balls?
- 1017
- 00:41:25,470 --> 00:41:27,540
- Oh, I go to a woman
- in, uh, Cleveland.
- 1018
- 00:41:27,540 --> 00:41:29,740
- - Which is where I'm from.
- - No way.
- 1019
- 00:41:29,750 --> 00:41:31,550
- - What?
- - I'm from Edgewater.
- 1020
- 00:41:31,550 --> 00:41:33,210
- - You're from Edgewater?
- - Yeah.
- 1021
- 00:41:33,220 --> 00:41:35,220
- - I'm from Tremont!
- - Oh, my God. Small world.
- 1022
- 00:41:35,220 --> 00:41:37,150
- - Unbelievable.
- - That is so weird!
- 1023
- 00:41:37,150 --> 00:41:39,290
- Like... Right?
- 1024
- 00:41:39,290 --> 00:41:41,760
- Wow. Okay, um...
- 1025
- 00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:44,160
- If you could just, uh,
- lift that penis up for me.
- 1026
- 00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:45,560
- Okay.
- 1027
- 00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:46,960
- Yeah, that's great.
- 1028
- 00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:49,130
- So, uh, what brings you
- to Chicago, Ty?
- 1029
- 00:41:49,130 --> 00:41:52,000
- Well, I'm in town to do
- a few Sexy Santa competitions.
- 1030
- 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:53,430
- - Nice!
- - Yeah.
- 1031
- 00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,610
- Okay, slight sting
- on your nutsack.
- 1032
- 00:41:58,510 --> 00:42:01,450
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 1033
- 00:42:03,980 --> 00:42:06,750
- So, um, how did you
- get into dancing?
- 1034
- 00:42:06,750 --> 00:42:09,820
- Oh, I'm a fireman by trade.
- That's what I do.
- 1035
- 00:42:09,820 --> 00:42:10,950
- Of course you are.
- 1036
- 00:42:10,950 --> 00:42:12,190
- And a few years ago
- 1037
- 00:42:12,190 --> 00:42:14,420
- I responded to this fire
- at a strip club.
- 1038
- 00:42:14,420 --> 00:42:16,620
- And the owner comes up to me,
- and he's like
- 1039
- 00:42:16,630 --> 00:42:19,490
- "Hey, dude.
- You got a massive cock?"
- 1040
- 00:42:19,500 --> 00:42:23,300
- And I'm like,
- "Uh... Well, I do."
- 1041
- 00:42:23,300 --> 00:42:25,100
- And the rest is,
- the rest is history.
- 1042
- 00:42:25,100 --> 00:42:26,500
- Wow.
- 1043
- 00:42:26,500 --> 00:42:28,700
- That's a beautiful story, Ty.
- 1044
- 00:42:28,700 --> 00:42:31,140
- Thank you.
- 1045
- 00:42:31,140 --> 00:42:32,480
- Okay. Hot burn.
- 1046
- 00:42:34,540 --> 00:42:37,940
- - So, um, holidays, huh?
- - I know.
- 1047
- 00:42:37,950 --> 00:42:39,880
- You got big plans
- with your girlfriend?
- 1048
- 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:42,320
- I wish. I wish
- I had a girlfriend.
- 1049
- 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:45,020
- Yeah, most women,
- they just see me as this object
- 1050
- 00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:47,890
- to have sex with
- and then they leave. You know?
- 1051
- 00:42:47,890 --> 00:42:49,190
- And I'm like,
- "Yeah, I dance around
- 1052
- 00:42:49,190 --> 00:42:51,390
- "in basketball sneakers
- and a G-string.
- 1053
- 00:42:51,390 --> 00:42:53,730
- It doesn't mean
- I don't have feelings." Right?
- 1054
- 00:42:53,730 --> 00:42:55,330
- Yeah.
- 1055
- 00:42:55,330 --> 00:42:56,900
- I, uh...
- 1056
- 00:42:56,900 --> 00:42:58,400
- I can relate.
- 1057
- 00:42:58,400 --> 00:42:59,800
- I don't know what it is
- about you, I just...
- 1058
- 00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:01,170
- I feel like you're easy
- to talk to, you know?
- 1059
- 00:43:01,170 --> 00:43:05,140
- I can just open up.
- Be myself. It's nice.
- 1060
- 00:43:05,140 --> 00:43:06,680
- I feel the same way, Ty.
- 1061
- 00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:12,010
- Okay, um,
- I'm gonna need you
- 1062
- 00:43:12,020 --> 00:43:14,380
- to, uh, put your heels
- over your head
- 1063
- 00:43:14,380 --> 00:43:17,650
- so I can start to go to town
- on your taint and your butthole.
- 1064
- 00:43:17,650 --> 00:43:19,250
- - Yep.
- - Great. Thanks.
- 1065
- 00:43:19,250 --> 00:43:20,490
- - Alright.
- - Okay.
- 1066
- 00:43:20,490 --> 00:43:21,890
- Let's get these
- out of the way.
- 1067
- 00:43:21,890 --> 00:43:23,660
- Right. There we go.
- Great, great, great.
- 1068
- 00:43:23,660 --> 00:43:25,730
- Carla, uh...
- 1069
- 00:43:25,730 --> 00:43:28,430
- At the risk of sounding forward
- 1070
- 00:43:28,430 --> 00:43:31,270
- um, would you be willing
- to come with me
- 1071
- 00:43:31,270 --> 00:43:33,900
- to my Sexy Santa
- Competition tonight?
- 1072
- 00:43:33,900 --> 00:43:36,370
- Uh, well, I-I don't date
- my clients, Ty.
- 1073
- 00:43:36,370 --> 00:43:38,840
- I have a really strict code.
- 1074
- 00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:41,180
- Yeah. Oh, of course you do.
- Are you kidding me?
- 1075
- 00:43:41,180 --> 00:43:43,110
- I know. And I know. And-and you
- should. You should have a...
- 1076
- 00:43:43,110 --> 00:43:46,280
- I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty.
- I don't have a code!
- 1077
- 00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:48,780
- I'm waxing your butthole.
- 1078
- 00:43:48,790 --> 00:43:50,520
- I would love to go to your show.
- 1079
- 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,190
- - You would?
- - Yes!
- 1080
- 00:43:52,190 --> 00:43:53,450
- Yes! Oh, my God.
- 1081
- 00:43:53,460 --> 00:43:55,220
- She's funny and she's beautiful.
- 1082
- 00:43:55,220 --> 00:43:57,560
- This is a combination you don't
- run into every day, you know.
- 1083
- 00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:00,690
- Well, you don't see this combo
- that often, either.
- 1084
- 00:44:00,700 --> 00:44:03,930
- So it's a date, then.
- I'll see you tonight.
- 1085
- 00:44:03,930 --> 00:44:05,770
- It's a date.
- 1086
- 00:44:05,770 --> 00:44:08,230
- Oh, um, do you want me
- to reach down there
- 1087
- 00:44:08,240 --> 00:44:11,040
- and-and I can pull my butt crack
- open for you if you want.
- 1088
- 00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:13,240
- Thank you.
- 1089
- 00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:15,880
- No one's ever asked
- if they could hold
- 1090
- 00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:19,150
- their butt crack
- open for me before.
- 1091
- 00:44:19,150 --> 00:44:21,820
- I'll hold my butt crack open
- for you anytime you want, Carla.
- 1092
- 00:44:24,220 --> 00:44:26,590
- Where did you come from,
- Ty Swindel?
- 1093
- 00:44:35,970 --> 00:44:38,230
- So what brings you
- here today, Kiki?
- 1094
- 00:44:38,230 --> 00:44:41,770
- Well, um, my mom and I,
- we're very close.
- 1095
- 00:44:41,770 --> 00:44:43,970
- And we would like to be...
- 1096
- 00:44:43,970 --> 00:44:45,010
- To be closer.
- 1097
- 00:44:45,010 --> 00:44:47,010
- No. No.
- 1098
- 00:44:47,010 --> 00:44:50,010
- I think, uh, we would,
- we would like to be
- 1099
- 00:44:50,010 --> 00:44:51,780
- a little more independent.
- 1100
- 00:44:51,780 --> 00:44:53,150
- Closer.
- 1101
- 00:44:53,150 --> 00:44:55,420
- Uh, Sandy, tell me
- 1102
- 00:44:55,420 --> 00:44:57,250
- about your relationship
- with your daughter.
- 1103
- 00:44:57,250 --> 00:45:00,590
- Oh, my gosh.
- That's my favorite topic.
- 1104
- 00:45:00,590 --> 00:45:04,760
- Well, I had Kiki
- when I was 18 years old.
- 1105
- 00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:07,160
- And when the nurse
- placed her on my breast
- 1106
- 00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:08,600
- I looked down at her
- and I said
- 1107
- 00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:12,200
- "You are gonna be
- my best friend forever."
- 1108
- 00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:14,870
- Is that normal?
- The best friend forever thing?
- 1109
- 00:45:14,870 --> 00:45:16,640
- Uh, well, you know,
- we don't like to use the word
- 1110
- 00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:18,540
- "Normal" around here.
- 1111
- 00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:24,210
- Anyways, Kiki and I have
- always been super close
- 1112
- 00:45:24,210 --> 00:45:26,450
- because we're basically
- the same age.
- 1113
- 00:45:26,450 --> 00:45:28,310
- And then my husband died
- 1114
- 00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:31,850
- and we became crazy close.
- 1115
- 00:45:31,850 --> 00:45:33,350
- We went to prom together.
- 1116
- 00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:35,560
- Wow!
- 1117
- 00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:36,790
- Okay.
- 1118
- 00:45:36,790 --> 00:45:39,630
- And, uh, Kiki, uh...
- 1119
- 00:45:39,630 --> 00:45:41,830
- How does all this closeness
- make you feel?
- 1120
- 00:45:41,830 --> 00:45:43,330
- - Well...
- - Well, she feels great.
- 1121
- 00:45:43,330 --> 00:45:45,870
- Who wouldn't want to be
- best friends with their mom?
- 1122
- 00:45:45,870 --> 00:45:47,700
- - I love my mom.
- - Thank you, honey.
- 1123
- 00:45:47,700 --> 00:45:49,340
- - I really do.
- - Thank you.
- 1124
- 00:45:49,340 --> 00:45:51,740
- But sometimes,
- she can be a bit much.
- 1125
- 00:45:51,740 --> 00:45:53,240
- What?
- 1126
- 00:45:53,240 --> 00:45:56,380
- - Like when?
- - Like, uh...
- 1127
- 00:45:56,380 --> 00:45:58,680
- When you watched Kent and I
- have sex the other night.
- 1128
- 00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:00,310
- Oh, Lord.
- 1129
- 00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:01,880
- I just wanna know
- what's going on in your life.
- 1130
- 00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:03,680
- - Is that so wrong?
- - No.
- 1131
- 00:46:03,690 --> 00:46:05,350
- But sometimes, I just...
- 1132
- 00:46:05,350 --> 00:46:07,260
- I'm in need of a little space.
- 1133
- 00:46:08,830 --> 00:46:11,690
- Oh, boy. I don't know
- what's happening right now.
- 1134
- 00:46:11,690 --> 00:46:15,830
- - W-why are you turning on me?
- - I'm not turning on you.
- 1135
- 00:46:15,830 --> 00:46:18,270
- I'm just saying,
- I think that we could benefit
- 1136
- 00:46:18,270 --> 00:46:20,170
- from some boundaries, right?
- 1137
- 00:46:20,170 --> 00:46:21,200
- I have cancer.
- 1138
- 00:46:23,170 --> 00:46:25,240
- - Cancer?
- - Mm-hm, mm-hm.
- 1139
- 00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:26,940
- Oh, God. What kind of cancer?
- 1140
- 00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:32,950
- Heart... cancer.
- 1141
- 00:46:36,790 --> 00:46:38,080
- - Heart cancer?
- - Yeah.
- 1142
- 00:46:38,090 --> 00:46:40,350
- Stage 12.
- 1143
- 00:46:40,360 --> 00:46:42,760
- Maybe you can find it
- in your non-cancerous heart
- 1144
- 00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:44,890
- to be nice to me before I die.
- 1145
- 00:46:46,430 --> 00:46:50,260
- I'm so sorry, mom.
- I had... I had no idea.
- 1146
- 00:46:50,270 --> 00:46:53,530
- I know. I know.
- 1147
- 00:46:53,540 --> 00:46:54,910
- (CRYING)
- Oh, God.
- 1148
- 00:46:57,970 --> 00:46:59,470
- KIKI:
- Mom.
- 1149
- 00:46:59,470 --> 00:47:01,240
- Oh, Keeks.
- 1150
- 00:47:01,240 --> 00:47:04,310
- Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks.
- 1151
- 00:47:04,310 --> 00:47:06,750
- - Okay, I don't have cancer.
- - What?
- 1152
- 00:47:06,750 --> 00:47:07,780
- I knew it.
- 1153
- 00:47:07,780 --> 00:47:09,780
- But imagine if I did have cancer
- 1154
- 00:47:09,790 --> 00:47:12,390
- how would you feel
- being so mean to your mother?
- 1155
- 00:47:12,390 --> 00:47:14,290
- I'm not trying
- to be mean to you, mom.
- 1156
- 00:47:14,290 --> 00:47:15,920
- I'm trying to have
- an honest conversation
- 1157
- 00:47:15,930 --> 00:47:17,090
- about our relationship.
- 1158
- 00:47:17,090 --> 00:47:18,490
- - I have cancer again.
- - No.
- 1159
- 00:47:18,490 --> 00:47:19,960
- It doesn't work like that
- a second time.
- 1160
- 00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:22,300
- - I have polio.
- - I think they cured polio.
- 1161
- 00:47:22,300 --> 00:47:24,460
- - I have bubonic plague.
- - No.
- 1162
- 00:47:24,470 --> 00:47:25,800
- - I have shingles.
- - Mom!
- 1163
- 00:47:25,800 --> 00:47:27,170
- I have bird flu.
- 1164
- 00:47:27,170 --> 00:47:29,300
- - Are you done?
- - I have a lazy eye.
- 1165
- 00:47:29,310 --> 00:47:30,740
- Mom!
- 1166
- 00:47:30,740 --> 00:47:33,310
- Please, can we just talk
- about our relationship?
- 1167
- 00:47:33,310 --> 00:47:35,280
- Because I wanna work
- this out with you.
- 1168
- 00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:36,980
- Yes.
- 1169
- 00:47:36,980 --> 00:47:39,680
- Let's do that. Yes.
- 1170
- 00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:41,250
- - Really?
- - Yes.
- 1171
- 00:47:41,250 --> 00:47:42,280
- I wanna work this out with you.
- 1172
- 00:47:42,290 --> 00:47:43,420
- Honestly?
- 1173
- 00:47:43,420 --> 00:47:44,650
- I'm gonna run
- to the ladies' room
- 1174
- 00:47:44,650 --> 00:47:46,420
- and I will be right back.
- 1175
- 00:47:46,420 --> 00:47:47,490
- Okay.
- 1176
- 00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:03,640
- She's not coming back, is she?
- 1177
- 00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:05,510
- No.
- 1178
- 00:48:05,510 --> 00:48:07,470
- What is the matter with her?
- 1179
- 00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:10,610
- - You really wanna know?
- - Yeah.
- 1180
- 00:48:10,610 --> 00:48:13,780
- Your mom was probably pretty
- normal before she had you.
- 1181
- 00:48:13,780 --> 00:48:15,220
- But then you were born.
- 1182
- 00:48:15,220 --> 00:48:16,850
- And you didn't sleep
- for six months
- 1183
- 00:48:16,850 --> 00:48:18,720
- so she didn't sleep
- for six months.
- 1184
- 00:48:18,720 --> 00:48:21,620
- And you refused to eat,
- and when you did eat
- 1185
- 00:48:21,620 --> 00:48:23,320
- you would barf
- all over her clothes.
- 1186
- 00:48:23,330 --> 00:48:25,460
- And that made your mom
- a little crazy.
- 1187
- 00:48:25,460 --> 00:48:27,960
- And then you fell off your bike
- and you broke your arm.
- 1188
- 00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:29,560
- And then you got bullied
- in school.
- 1189
- 00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:31,400
- And then you started dating
- that weird dude
- 1190
- 00:48:31,400 --> 00:48:33,170
- with the stick through his nose.
- 1191
- 00:48:33,170 --> 00:48:34,970
- And all those things
- made your mom
- 1192
- 00:48:34,970 --> 00:48:36,640
- a little more crazy.
- 1193
- 00:48:36,640 --> 00:48:38,070
- And then you got married.
- 1194
- 00:48:38,070 --> 00:48:39,870
- And you bought a house
- you can't afford.
- 1195
- 00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:41,680
- And you're raising kids
- who never say
- 1196
- 00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:43,210
- "Please" or "Thank you."
- 1197
- 00:48:43,210 --> 00:48:45,040
- Shit, they can't even read.
- 1198
- 00:48:45,050 --> 00:48:47,010
- And all those things
- made your mom
- 1199
- 00:48:47,020 --> 00:48:48,550
- super-duper crazy.
- 1200
- 00:48:48,550 --> 00:48:50,850
- And now you come
- into my office, and you go
- 1201
- 00:48:50,850 --> 00:48:53,990
- "Dr. Karl,
- why is my mom so crazy?"
- 1202
- 00:48:53,990 --> 00:48:56,760
- And the answer is...
- 1203
- 00:48:56,760 --> 00:48:58,020
- you, motherfucker.
- 1204
- 00:48:58,030 --> 00:48:59,860
- You made your mom crazy.
- 1205
- 00:48:59,860 --> 00:49:02,060
- So be nice to your mom,
- 'cause you're the one
- 1206
- 00:49:02,060 --> 00:49:04,000
- who fucked her shit up.
- 1207
- 00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:08,170
- ♪ You make it feel
- like Christmas ♪♪
- 1208
- 00:49:08,170 --> 00:49:12,270
- We are gonna dominate
- caroling this year.
- 1209
- 00:49:12,270 --> 00:49:13,840
- What are you wearing?
- 1210
- 00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:15,580
- Sweetie, if you wanna win
- the Caroling Cup
- 1211
- 00:49:15,580 --> 00:49:17,280
- you have to have a theme.
- 1212
- 00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:18,950
- Which is why we are all going
- 1213
- 00:49:18,950 --> 00:49:21,550
- as characters
- from "A Christmas Carol."
- 1214
- 00:49:21,550 --> 00:49:24,450
- - Oh, my God!
- - Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost.
- 1215
- 00:49:24,450 --> 00:49:27,350
- Jane, you are the Ghost
- of Christmas Present.
- 1216
- 00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:28,590
- Oh, great.
- 1217
- 00:49:28,590 --> 00:49:30,620
- And Amy, you're Scrooge.
- 1218
- 00:49:30,630 --> 00:49:32,730
- Oh. Wow, thanks, mom.
- 1219
- 00:49:32,730 --> 00:49:34,560
- I just think it's appropriate,
- given how much
- 1220
- 00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:36,630
- you seem to hate
- Christmas this year.
- 1221
- 00:49:36,630 --> 00:49:38,600
- Mother, I don't hate Christmas.
- 1222
- 00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:40,470
- And here is
- everyone's sheet music.
- 1223
- 00:49:40,470 --> 00:49:42,470
- I'd hoped we'd all be
- off-book by now.
- 1224
- 00:49:42,470 --> 00:49:44,310
- - This is a lot of songs.
- - Well...
- 1225
- 00:49:44,310 --> 00:49:46,640
- Every home in Westbury gets to
- vote on who wins the Cup.
- 1226
- 00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:50,110
- So we have to hit at least
- 300 houses tonight.
- 1227
- 00:49:50,110 --> 00:49:51,380
- Three hundred?
- 1228
- 00:49:51,380 --> 00:49:52,880
- Don't worry. We have back-up.
- 1229
- 00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:54,950
- Come on in, everybody.
- 1230
- 00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:58,650
- Please welcome
- the Chicago All Saints Choir.
- 1231
- 00:49:58,650 --> 00:50:00,390
- You hired ringers?
- 1232
- 00:50:00,390 --> 00:50:03,390
- I did what I needed to do
- to succeed, Amy.
- 1233
- 00:50:03,390 --> 00:50:05,160
- You should try it sometime.
- 1234
- 00:50:05,160 --> 00:50:07,890
- Okay, fine.
- We'll go caroling.
- 1235
- 00:50:07,900 --> 00:50:10,130
- But I'm not wearing
- this ridiculous costume.
- 1236
- 00:50:13,770 --> 00:50:15,670
- Fuck me.
- 1237
- 00:50:17,110 --> 00:50:18,410
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- 1238
- 00:50:22,980 --> 00:50:25,080
- Hey, guys, we got more carolers.
- 1239
- 00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:27,080
- (WHISPERING)
- Read your line, Scrooge!
- 1240
- 00:50:28,820 --> 00:50:30,350
- - Do it.
- - Mm.
- 1241
- 00:50:32,020 --> 00:50:33,920
- "Bah-humbug,
- I'm Ebenezer Scrooge
- 1242
- 00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:35,460
- "and I hate Christmas
- because it's so much work
- 1243
- 00:50:35,460 --> 00:50:37,160
- and I am lazy."
- 1244
- 00:50:37,160 --> 00:50:39,090
- Please, Mr. Scrooge!
- 1245
- 00:50:39,100 --> 00:50:41,160
- Won't you listen
- to our song?
- 1246
- 00:50:41,160 --> 00:50:45,270
- And let ye heart be warmed!
- Two, three, four.
- 1247
- 00:50:45,270 --> 00:50:49,970
- ♪ We wish you
- a merry Christmas ♪
- 1248
- 00:50:49,970 --> 00:50:53,010
- ♪ We wish you a merry
- Christmas ♪
- 1249
- 00:50:53,010 --> 00:50:55,780
- ♪ We wish you
- a merry Christmas ♪
- 1250
- 00:50:55,780 --> 00:50:59,050
- ♪ And a happy New Year ♪
- 1251
- 00:50:59,050 --> 00:51:02,150
- ♪ Good tidings we bring ♪
- 1252
- 00:51:02,150 --> 00:51:04,520
- ♪ To you and your kids ♪
- 1253
- 00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:07,850
- ♪ Yeah good tidings
- for Christmas ♪
- 1254
- 00:51:07,860 --> 00:51:09,860
- What the fuck
- is happening?
- 1255
- 00:51:09,860 --> 00:51:12,460
- ♪ Happy New Year
- everybody ♪
- 1256
- 00:51:12,460 --> 00:51:13,730
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
- 1257
- 00:51:13,730 --> 00:51:16,400
- ♪ And a happy New Year ♪
- 1258
- 00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:18,340
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 1259
- 00:51:21,370 --> 00:51:23,070
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
- 1260
- 00:51:27,810 --> 00:51:29,980
- "Bah-humbug,
- I'm Ebenezer Scrooge
- 1261
- 00:51:29,980 --> 00:51:31,980
- and I hate Christmas
- because it's so much work..."
- 1262
- 00:51:31,980 --> 00:51:34,380
- Amy?
- 1263
- 00:51:34,380 --> 00:51:36,050
- Oh, shit!
- 1264
- 00:51:36,050 --> 00:51:39,590
- What in the fuck
- are you wearing?
- 1265
- 00:51:39,590 --> 00:51:41,320
- My mom made me wear this.
- 1266
- 00:51:41,320 --> 00:51:44,260
- Oh, my God!
- You look amazing, serious...
- 1267
- 00:51:44,260 --> 00:51:46,530
- Honestly, this is better than
- what you usually wear at school.
- 1268
- 00:51:46,530 --> 00:51:47,860
- - Wait, guys, come here.
- - No, no, guys, it's okay.
- 1269
- 00:51:47,860 --> 00:51:48,930
- You could, you could
- just stay there, it's...
- 1270
- 00:51:48,930 --> 00:51:50,230
- This is Amy Mitchell.
- 1271
- 00:51:50,230 --> 00:51:52,030
- She's dressed up
- as an old fat man.
- 1272
- 00:51:52,030 --> 00:51:54,730
- Uh, no, I'm actually supposed
- to be Scrooge, but that's...
- 1273
- 00:51:54,740 --> 00:51:56,900
- Don't laugh, she's my friend.
- That's rude.
- 1274
- 00:51:56,910 --> 00:51:59,070
- Honey, I'm going to Instagram
- the shit out of this, right now.
- 1275
- 00:51:59,080 --> 00:52:00,240
- - Okay, wait. Side angle.
- - Oh, great!
- 1276
- 00:52:00,240 --> 00:52:02,080
- - And this one.
- - Okay, um.
- 1277
- 00:52:02,080 --> 00:52:04,110
- Can you do a li... Can you purse
- your lips for me a little bit?
- 1278
- 00:52:04,110 --> 00:52:05,910
- I'm gonna go kill myself, so...
- 1279
- 00:52:05,910 --> 00:52:08,750
- I'll put a filter on it,
- so you don't look so tired.
- 1280
- 00:52:08,750 --> 00:52:11,120
- - Thank you for visiting, Amy!
- - Bye.
- 1281
- 00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:13,020
- I will never let you
- forget this.
- 1282
- 00:52:13,020 --> 00:52:15,460
- - You know that.
- - I do.
- 1283
- 00:52:15,460 --> 00:52:17,390
- Was that a broken dick
- on her face?
- 1284
- 00:52:20,730 --> 00:52:23,760
- Well, I thought that was
- an enormous success.
- 1285
- 00:52:23,770 --> 00:52:25,930
- Mom, this, this,
- this isn't working.
- 1286
- 00:52:25,930 --> 00:52:27,700
- - What isn't working?
- - This, this.
- 1287
- 00:52:27,700 --> 00:52:29,440
- I-I wanted a mellow Christmas
- 1288
- 00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:31,410
- and you keep fighting me
- every step of the way.
- 1289
- 00:52:31,410 --> 00:52:34,210
- Amy, this is a very important
- Christmas for your kids.
- 1290
- 00:52:34,210 --> 00:52:35,910
- You cannot just phone it in.
- 1291
- 00:52:35,910 --> 00:52:38,210
- I'm not,
- I'm not phoning it in.
- 1292
- 00:52:38,210 --> 00:52:41,280
- My kids told me that
- they wanted a mellow Christmas.
- 1293
- 00:52:41,280 --> 00:52:43,450
- And I promised them
- that I would give it to them.
- 1294
- 00:52:43,450 --> 00:52:45,220
- Well, of course
- they told you that, Amy.
- 1295
- 00:52:45,220 --> 00:52:47,620
- Because they're telling you what
- they think you want to hear.
- 1296
- 00:52:47,620 --> 00:52:48,990
- But secretly,
- they know that I'm right.
- 1297
- 00:52:48,990 --> 00:52:51,430
- Because you know what?
- I just am.
- 1298
- 00:52:51,430 --> 00:52:53,060
- Okay.
- 1299
- 00:52:53,060 --> 00:52:56,500
- Ha-ha! You know what?
- I'm done fighting this.
- 1300
- 00:52:56,500 --> 00:52:58,430
- I'm gonna tell you exactly
- 1301
- 00:52:58,430 --> 00:53:00,470
- how we're doing Christmas
- this year.
- 1302
- 00:53:00,470 --> 00:53:02,300
- The kids and I
- are gonna spend
- 1303
- 00:53:02,300 --> 00:53:04,000
- the entire Christmas Eve day
- sledding.
- 1304
- 00:53:04,010 --> 00:53:05,440
- And then,
- we're gonna come home
- 1305
- 00:53:05,440 --> 00:53:07,910
- bake cookies,
- and watch "Love Actually."
- 1306
- 00:53:07,910 --> 00:53:10,410
- - Dumb movie.
- - Then, Christmas morning.
- 1307
- 00:53:10,410 --> 00:53:12,780
- Only Jessie and his daughter
- are gonna come over
- 1308
- 00:53:12,780 --> 00:53:15,180
- and we're gonna exchange
- three gifts.
- 1309
- 00:53:15,180 --> 00:53:16,920
- Who's Jessie?
- 1310
- 00:53:16,920 --> 00:53:18,620
- Then we're gonna spend
- all day in our pajamas
- 1311
- 00:53:18,620 --> 00:53:20,790
- until my friends
- come over for dinner
- 1312
- 00:53:20,790 --> 00:53:23,920
- when we are gonna order
- Chinese takeout from Mr. Wang's.
- 1313
- 00:53:23,930 --> 00:53:25,530
- - The horror.
- - Ugh!
- 1314
- 00:53:25,530 --> 00:53:27,490
- There'll be
- no show-offy party
- 1315
- 00:53:27,500 --> 00:53:30,000
- no sushi, no camels.
- 1316
- 00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:34,870
- And definitely, definitely,
- no Kenny G.
- 1317
- 00:53:34,870 --> 00:53:37,170
- Amy, he is the godfather
- of smooth jazz.
- 1318
- 00:53:37,170 --> 00:53:40,340
- Mom, I am done with
- your over-the-top Christmases.
- 1319
- 00:53:40,340 --> 00:53:42,180
- This is my house,
- and this is my life.
- 1320
- 00:53:42,180 --> 00:53:43,640
- And if you want
- to come down here
- 1321
- 00:53:43,650 --> 00:53:45,950
- and be a part
- of my family
- 1322
- 00:53:45,950 --> 00:53:48,050
- then you have to live
- by my rules.
- 1323
- 00:53:51,790 --> 00:53:53,950
- - Okay.
- - Really?
- 1324
- 00:53:53,960 --> 00:53:55,120
- We will do it your way.
- 1325
- 00:53:57,030 --> 00:53:59,360
- We will have
- a mellow Christmas.
- 1326
- 00:54:01,030 --> 00:54:03,300
- I hope you're happy.
- 1327
- 00:54:03,300 --> 00:54:04,400
- I don't think you mean that.
- 1328
- 00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:06,330
- But thank you, I am.
- 1329
- 00:54:06,330 --> 00:54:11,340
- ♪ You can have my
- sugar sugar sugar baby ♪
- 1330
- 00:54:11,340 --> 00:54:15,910
- ♪ Wanna give you my
- sugar sugar sugar baby ♪
- 1331
- 00:54:15,910 --> 00:54:19,050
- ♪ Wanna give it to you ♪
- 1332
- 00:54:20,580 --> 00:54:23,550
- ♪ If you want me to ♪
- 1333
- 00:54:23,550 --> 00:54:25,420
- (ALL LAUGHING)
- 1334
- 00:54:26,590 --> 00:54:28,060
- And it worked.
- 1335
- 00:54:28,060 --> 00:54:29,720
- I stood up to her,
- and she totally backed down.
- 1336
- 00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:32,230
- - I'm so proud of you.
- - Thank you.
- 1337
- 00:54:32,230 --> 00:54:33,390
- I actually felt,
- for the first time
- 1338
- 00:54:33,390 --> 00:54:35,160
- my mom looked at me
- as an equal.
- 1339
- 00:54:35,160 --> 00:54:39,500
- Like maybe someday,
- somehow, we could be closer.
- 1340
- 00:54:39,500 --> 00:54:40,870
- Relax, Obama.
- 1341
- 00:54:40,870 --> 00:54:43,100
- Your mom is still
- a colossal bitch.
- 1342
- 00:54:43,100 --> 00:54:45,840
- Don't let your guard down,
- or she's gonna blow up your car.
- 1343
- 00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:47,510
- - Alright, alright.
- - I'm just saying.
- 1344
- 00:54:47,510 --> 00:54:49,680
- Well, either way,
- it was a big step.
- 1345
- 00:54:49,680 --> 00:54:52,910
- So, I just wanna say thank you
- for encouraging me.
- 1346
- 00:54:52,910 --> 00:54:56,620
- - Aww, we're so proud. Whoo!
- - Thank you.
- 1347
- 00:54:56,620 --> 00:54:58,790
- You know what I think
- we should do to celebrate?
- 1348
- 00:54:58,790 --> 00:55:00,890
- Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses
- 1349
- 00:55:00,890 --> 00:55:04,260
- take off their clothes!
- 1350
- 00:55:04,260 --> 00:55:06,630
- ♪ Give me the green light ♪
- 1351
- 00:55:06,630 --> 00:55:08,130
- ♪ 'Cause I'm ready to go ♪
- 1352
- 00:55:08,130 --> 00:55:11,030
- ♪ Let's have a good time ♪
- 1353
- 00:55:11,030 --> 00:55:12,430
- ♪ What you waiting for? ♪
- 1354
- 00:55:12,430 --> 00:55:15,070
- ♪ We only got one life ♪
- 1355
- 00:55:15,070 --> 00:55:16,400
- ♪ And we gonna live it up ♪
- 1356
- 00:55:16,410 --> 00:55:19,470
- Oh, yay!
- I love Santa Claus.
- 1357
- 00:55:19,470 --> 00:55:22,040
- KIKI:
- And there's so many of them.
- 1358
- 00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:25,140
- Guys, I don't wanna make
- a big deal of it.
- 1359
- 00:55:25,150 --> 00:55:27,750
- But, um, I'm kind of
- on a first date
- 1360
- 00:55:27,750 --> 00:55:28,980
- with one of the Santas.
- 1361
- 00:55:28,980 --> 00:55:30,420
- - Shut up.
- - Yeah.
- 1362
- 00:55:30,420 --> 00:55:32,750
- Wait. Which one?
- 1363
- 00:55:32,750 --> 00:55:35,760
- Santa number two.
- 1364
- 00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,060
- ♪ If you know what I mean
- I'mma ride that mami ♪
- 1365
- 00:55:38,060 --> 00:55:40,060
- ♪ Yeah I got the key
- and I'mma lock that mami... ♪
- 1366
- 00:55:40,060 --> 00:55:41,230
- How'd you guys meet?
- 1367
- 00:55:41,230 --> 00:55:42,630
- Oh, waxing his balls.
- 1368
- 00:55:42,630 --> 00:55:44,630
- That is so romantic.
- 1369
- 00:55:44,630 --> 00:55:47,430
- You learn a lot about a man
- when you wax his sack.
- 1370
- 00:55:47,440 --> 00:55:50,670
- You know, some guys cry.
- Some guys act real tough.
- 1371
- 00:55:50,670 --> 00:55:55,270
- But... But Ty, he was so calm.
- 1372
- 00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:59,110
- It was almost like waxing
- the balls of the Dalai Lama.
- 1373
- 00:55:59,110 --> 00:56:00,150
- Whoo!
- 1374
- 00:56:01,320 --> 00:56:03,650
- How you doin' tonight, Chicago?
- 1375
- 00:56:03,650 --> 00:56:05,080
- (ALL CHEERING)
- 1376
- 00:56:05,090 --> 00:56:06,120
- Alright.
- 1377
- 00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:07,290
- Okay, listen, ladies
- 1378
- 00:56:07,290 --> 00:56:09,090
- I need you guys to tell me
- 1379
- 00:56:09,090 --> 00:56:10,790
- which one of these Sexy Santas
- 1380
- 00:56:10,790 --> 00:56:13,330
- is the sexiest of them all?
- 1381
- 00:56:13,330 --> 00:56:15,630
- Think you're ready? Yeah!
- 1382
- 00:56:15,630 --> 00:56:17,200
- Okay, well,
- let's start this thing off.
- 1383
- 00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:19,430
- Santa number one,
- the bar is yours, sir.
- 1384
- 00:56:19,430 --> 00:56:22,340
- (UPBEAT MUSIC)
- 1385
- 00:56:28,010 --> 00:56:29,350
- (ALL GASPING)
- 1386
- 00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:35,180
- Oh. That is a lot of white skin.
- 1387
- 00:56:35,980 --> 00:56:38,790
- (BABBLING)
- 1388
- 00:56:38,790 --> 00:56:41,390
- (INDISTINCT CLAMORING)
- 1389
- 00:56:41,390 --> 00:56:43,360
- Okay, you know what? Alright,
- alright, Santa number one.
- 1390
- 00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:44,890
- The audience has spoken.
- 1391
- 00:56:44,890 --> 00:56:46,360
- Thank you. Such a good sport.
- 1392
- 00:56:46,360 --> 00:56:48,060
- Such a good sport.
- 1393
- 00:56:48,060 --> 00:56:50,730
- Alright. Now.
- 1394
- 00:56:50,730 --> 00:56:52,330
- Bring it to the stage,
- my man
- 1395
- 00:56:52,330 --> 00:56:56,070
- Santa number two!
- 1396
- 00:56:56,070 --> 00:56:58,010
- (ALL CHEERING)
- 1397
- 00:57:05,180 --> 00:57:07,380
- (UPBEAT MUSIC)
- 1398
- 00:57:18,430 --> 00:57:21,030
- Yeah! Take it off!
- 1399
- 00:57:37,450 --> 00:57:40,380
- He's, he's really good
- at stripping.
- 1400
- 00:57:40,380 --> 00:57:43,250
- - He has such kind eyes.
- - Yeah.
- 1401
- 00:57:43,250 --> 00:57:45,190
- I'm gonna fuck
- his dick off tonight.
- 1402
- 00:57:48,720 --> 00:57:52,060
- Put a baby in me,
- Santa number two!
- 1403
- 00:57:53,260 --> 00:57:54,400
- Whoo!
- 1404
- 00:57:56,130 --> 00:57:58,800
- Whoo! I love his panties.
- They're so seasonal.
- 1405
- 00:58:01,070 --> 00:58:02,970
- (ALL CHEERING)
- 1406
- 00:58:07,310 --> 00:58:09,080
- Oh, my God.
- 1407
- 00:58:11,210 --> 00:58:12,910
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 1408
- 00:58:12,910 --> 00:58:16,050
- - I think I'm in love.
- - What?
- 1409
- 00:58:16,050 --> 00:58:20,220
- I honestly think
- that he's... the one.
- 1410
- 00:58:21,490 --> 00:58:22,590
- Is that your mom?
- 1411
- 00:58:23,930 --> 00:58:25,260
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 1412
- 00:58:27,100 --> 00:58:30,160
- Wait, holy shit. It is.
- Why is... Mom!
- 1413
- 00:58:30,160 --> 00:58:32,470
- What, what are you doing?
- 1414
- 00:58:32,470 --> 00:58:34,070
- - Oh, look at that.
- - Yeah.
- 1415
- 00:58:34,070 --> 00:58:36,170
- My mom dances this way
- with everybody.
- 1416
- 00:58:38,470 --> 00:58:40,810
- So, this doesn't bother me
- at all.
- 1417
- 00:58:43,640 --> 00:58:45,480
- Oh, my God.
- His face is in her tits.
- 1418
- 00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:47,910
- Wait. Mom.
- Mom, no motorboating!
- 1419
- 00:58:47,920 --> 00:58:49,480
- - We talked about this.
- - Alright.
- 1420
- 00:58:49,490 --> 00:58:51,080
- - It's about to get weird.
- - It's game time.
- 1421
- 00:58:51,090 --> 00:58:52,850
- - Oh, you look great!
- - That's my mom.
- 1422
- 00:58:52,850 --> 00:58:54,290
- - That's your mom?
- - Yeah, that's my mom.
- 1423
- 00:58:54,290 --> 00:58:56,090
- - Your mom?
- - Yeah.
- 1424
- 00:58:56,090 --> 00:58:58,520
- Oh, my God, it's a pleasure.
- You have such a lovely daughter.
- 1425
- 00:58:58,530 --> 00:58:59,630
- I know.
- 1426
- 00:58:59,630 --> 00:59:01,530
- (ALL CHEERING)
- 1427
- 00:59:03,500 --> 00:59:05,160
- You should never have to watch
- 1428
- 00:59:05,170 --> 00:59:07,500
- your mom lick
- your boyfriend's nipples.
- 1429
- 00:59:07,500 --> 00:59:09,540
- - No.
- - Mom!
- 1430
- 00:59:09,540 --> 00:59:11,940
- What are you doing?
- 1431
- 00:59:11,940 --> 00:59:13,970
- - Whoa.
- - Oh, my God.
- 1432
- 00:59:13,980 --> 00:59:15,270
- (ALL GASPING)
- 1433
- 00:59:15,280 --> 00:59:17,040
- Mom!
- 1434
- 00:59:17,040 --> 00:59:18,980
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 1435
- 00:59:21,380 --> 00:59:23,820
- Not one person caught me.
- That was amazing.
- 1436
- 00:59:23,820 --> 00:59:26,720
- Every time they jump into
- the crowd, someone usually...
- 1437
- 00:59:26,720 --> 00:59:28,350
- - Hi.
- - Oh.
- 1438
- 00:59:28,360 --> 00:59:30,390
- - Hi. Hey.
- - Here you are.
- 1439
- 00:59:30,390 --> 00:59:33,530
- I, uh... Bag of ice for you.
- 1440
- 00:59:33,530 --> 00:59:35,470
- - Oh.
- - Thank you, Ty.
- 1441
- 00:59:36,060 --> 00:59:37,060
- Um...
- 1442
- 00:59:38,630 --> 00:59:40,200
- So, about tonight, um, you know
- 1443
- 00:59:40,200 --> 00:59:42,140
- we were gonna hang out
- after the show.
- 1444
- 00:59:42,140 --> 00:59:43,970
- And, uh, I mean,
- I was looking forward to it.
- 1445
- 00:59:43,970 --> 00:59:45,710
- I was wondering if, uh...
- 1446
- 00:59:45,710 --> 00:59:47,070
- If you're still up for it,
- you know?
- 1447
- 00:59:47,080 --> 00:59:49,340
- - Oh, Ty.
- - Yeah.
- 1448
- 00:59:49,340 --> 00:59:50,340
- Um...
- 1449
- 00:59:52,150 --> 00:59:54,150
- - I would love to.
- - Good.
- 1450
- 00:59:54,150 --> 00:59:55,180
- But, um...
- 1451
- 00:59:55,180 --> 00:59:56,720
- You know, I think this is
- 1452
- 00:59:56,720 --> 00:59:58,720
- my mom's third concussion
- this month and I'm just...
- 1453
- 00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:01,520
- Wow, that's
- a lot of concussions.
- 1454
- 01:00:01,520 --> 01:00:04,360
- Better stay with her
- for observation.
- 1455
- 01:00:04,360 --> 01:00:05,360
- Yeah.
- 1456
- 01:00:06,930 --> 01:00:08,260
- Well, um...
- 1457
- 01:00:09,830 --> 01:00:12,000
- I gotta get back
- to Cleveland tomorrow.
- 1458
- 01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:14,870
- - Right.
- - But, uh...
- 1459
- 01:00:14,870 --> 01:00:16,870
- Think I could give you a call
- next time I come into town?
- 1460
- 01:00:16,870 --> 01:00:19,170
- Would that...
- that interest you at all?
- 1461
- 01:00:19,170 --> 01:00:20,240
- Could I do that?
- 1462
- 01:00:20,240 --> 01:00:21,270
- - Please.
- - Yeah?
- 1463
- 01:00:21,280 --> 01:00:22,710
- - Yes.
- - Great.
- 1464
- 01:00:22,710 --> 01:00:25,540
- I'd, I'd wax your balls
- for free.
- 1465
- 01:00:25,550 --> 01:00:28,080
- That is so sweet.
- 1466
- 01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:30,450
- Well, I would really
- love that, Carla.
- 1467
- 01:00:32,050 --> 01:00:33,950
- And so would my balls.
- 1468
- 01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:36,860
- Well. Consider it done.
- 1469
- 01:00:36,860 --> 01:00:37,860
- And, uh...
- 1470
- 01:00:39,790 --> 01:00:41,260
- Oh.
- 1471
- 01:00:41,260 --> 01:00:42,970
- Sorry, I thought
- you wanted to...
- 1472
- 01:00:44,930 --> 01:00:47,370
- Merry Christmas, Carla.
- 1473
- 01:00:47,370 --> 01:00:48,700
- Merry Christmas, Ty.
- 1474
- 01:00:53,580 --> 01:00:57,110
- ♪ Bells will be ringing ♪
- 1475
- 01:00:57,110 --> 01:01:01,410
- ♪ The glad glad news ♪
- 1476
- 01:01:01,420 --> 01:01:05,820
- ♪ Oh what a Christmas ♪
- 1477
- 01:01:05,820 --> 01:01:09,920
- ♪ You have the blues ♪
- 1478
- 01:01:09,930 --> 01:01:13,590
- ♪ My baby's gone ♪
- 1479
- 01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:17,900
- ♪ I have no friends ♪
- 1480
- 01:01:17,900 --> 01:01:21,300
- ♪ To wish me greetings ♪
- 1481
- 01:01:21,300 --> 01:01:22,740
- ♪ Mm ♪
- 1482
- 01:01:22,740 --> 01:01:25,270
- ♪ Once again ♪
- 1483
- 01:01:27,240 --> 01:01:30,640
- Okay, time for bed,
- my darlings.
- 1484
- 01:01:30,650 --> 01:01:32,810
- Tonight, I am
- going to sing you
- 1485
- 01:01:32,810 --> 01:01:34,680
- "My Heart Will Go On"
- 1486
- 01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:38,450
- by seven-time Grammy winner,
- Celine Dion.
- 1487
- 01:01:38,450 --> 01:01:39,450
- Mm-hm?
- 1488
- 01:01:42,160 --> 01:01:43,530
- What's the matter?
- 1489
- 01:01:45,590 --> 01:01:47,460
- Is everything okay
- with you and mom?
- 1490
- 01:01:47,460 --> 01:01:49,630
- Yeah, you guys
- have been fighting a lot.
- 1491
- 01:01:49,630 --> 01:01:52,170
- Come here and sit by me.
- Both of you, come here.
- 1492
- 01:01:54,540 --> 01:01:58,600
- Now, your mother and I just
- have a few tiny disagreements
- 1493
- 01:01:58,610 --> 01:02:00,140
- about the importance
- of Christmas
- 1494
- 01:02:00,140 --> 01:02:01,810
- and what it means to be a mother
- 1495
- 01:02:01,810 --> 01:02:04,310
- and the sanctity of marriage
- and how best to raise children.
- 1496
- 01:02:04,310 --> 01:02:06,650
- But otherwise,
- everything is fine.
- 1497
- 01:02:06,650 --> 01:02:10,550
- There's no reason
- to worry, okay?
- 1498
- 01:02:10,550 --> 01:02:13,650
- Look, I know
- this is your first Christmas
- 1499
- 01:02:13,660 --> 01:02:15,520
- since your parents got divorced.
- 1500
- 01:02:15,520 --> 01:02:17,890
- And it's probably a little
- strange for you. Am I right?
- 1501
- 01:02:17,890 --> 01:02:19,530
- - Yeah.
- - Yeah. It really is.
- 1502
- 01:02:19,530 --> 01:02:21,390
- Well, first of all
- 1503
- 01:02:21,400 --> 01:02:24,830
- both of your parents
- still love you so very much.
- 1504
- 01:02:24,830 --> 01:02:27,570
- And no matter what happens
- 1505
- 01:02:27,570 --> 01:02:30,840
- I will always be there for you.
- 1506
- 01:02:30,840 --> 01:02:32,570
- Always.
- 1507
- 01:02:32,570 --> 01:02:35,480
- Because you're my grandkids,
- and I love you
- 1508
- 01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:37,840
- more than anything
- in the whole world.
- 1509
- 01:02:37,850 --> 01:02:39,980
- And so does Grandpa Hank.
- 1510
- 01:02:39,980 --> 01:02:41,680
- I know his brain
- is the size of a walnut
- 1511
- 01:02:41,680 --> 01:02:43,590
- but you know,
- his heart is enormous.
- 1512
- 01:02:47,020 --> 01:02:49,760
- - Okay? Feel better?
- - Yeah.
- 1513
- 01:02:49,760 --> 01:02:51,590
- It's really nice
- having you here, grandma.
- 1514
- 01:02:51,590 --> 01:02:54,260
- - Yeah. We really miss you.
- - Yeah.
- 1515
- 01:02:54,260 --> 01:02:57,530
- Oh, I miss you, too.
- 1516
- 01:02:57,530 --> 01:03:01,230
- Grandkids, they really are
- the greatest gift.
- 1517
- 01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:04,940
- Speaking of gifts,
- have some iPhones.
- 1518
- 01:03:04,940 --> 01:03:06,740
- - Nice.
- - No way.
- 1519
- 01:03:06,740 --> 01:03:08,680
- Now, get ready for bed.
- 1520
- 01:03:08,680 --> 01:03:11,950
- And I will come back
- and sing to you for hours.
- 1521
- 01:03:13,180 --> 01:03:14,920
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 1522
- 01:03:17,750 --> 01:03:20,290
- I can't believe people fall
- for this shit. It's so stupid.
- 1523
- 01:03:20,290 --> 01:03:22,190
- - Yeah, I know.
- - Oh wait, here comes somebody.
- 1524
- 01:03:22,190 --> 01:03:24,060
- - Merry Christmas!
- - Oh, Merry Christmas.
- 1525
- 01:03:24,060 --> 01:03:25,190
- Ho, ho, hold on.
- 1526
- 01:03:25,190 --> 01:03:26,890
- Hey, would you like to,
- uh, donate
- 1527
- 01:03:26,890 --> 01:03:30,300
- your canned goods to our
- Christmas Canned Food Drive?
- 1528
- 01:03:30,300 --> 01:03:32,800
- Oh, um, I sort of just
- bought all this.
- 1529
- 01:03:32,800 --> 01:03:36,270
- - Bingo. She's got cans.
- - Oh!
- 1530
- 01:03:36,270 --> 01:03:38,940
- Oh, mom, look, look, look.
- She's got wine.
- 1531
- 01:03:38,940 --> 01:03:41,270
- Thank you very much
- for a very generous donation
- 1532
- 01:03:41,280 --> 01:03:43,110
- to the "Canned Christmas
- Food Drive."
- 1533
- 01:03:43,110 --> 01:03:44,950
- The children are
- gonna be so happy.
- 1534
- 01:03:45,910 --> 01:03:47,710
- Yes!
- 1535
- 01:03:47,720 --> 01:03:50,450
- - That was a good haul, mom.
- - Yeah, she had some good shit.
- 1536
- 01:03:50,450 --> 01:03:53,250
- You know...
- ripping off rich people
- 1537
- 01:03:53,250 --> 01:03:55,790
- in front of the supermarket
- with you is...
- 1538
- 01:03:55,790 --> 01:03:58,760
- bringing back a lotta happy
- Christmas memories for me.
- 1539
- 01:03:58,760 --> 01:04:01,460
- Yeah. Me too, babe.
- 1540
- 01:04:01,460 --> 01:04:03,630
- I miss you, you know?
- 1541
- 01:04:03,630 --> 01:04:05,330
- I miss you, too.
- 1542
- 01:04:05,330 --> 01:04:08,070
- It's so weird.
- 1543
- 01:04:08,070 --> 01:04:12,240
- Yeah. Maybe we should...
- spend more time together?
- 1544
- 01:04:13,610 --> 01:04:15,940
- Do you mean that?
- 1545
- 01:04:15,940 --> 01:04:17,410
- Yeah.
- 1546
- 01:04:17,410 --> 01:04:18,680
- You know, when we were
- at the bouncy place
- 1547
- 01:04:18,680 --> 01:04:21,480
- with, um... what's his name?
- 1548
- 01:04:21,480 --> 01:04:23,780
- - Oh, my son, Jaxon?
- - Yeah, him.
- 1549
- 01:04:23,790 --> 01:04:26,150
- Um, I was watching you two
- and you were beating the shit
- 1550
- 01:04:26,150 --> 01:04:28,120
- out of each other
- with those sticks, and I thought
- 1551
- 01:04:28,120 --> 01:04:30,820
- "You know, maybe I should have a
- relationship with my grandson."
- 1552
- 01:04:30,830 --> 01:04:34,360
- Well, we'd, um,
- we'd love to see you more.
- 1553
- 01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:38,030
- Yeah. Okay.
- 1554
- 01:04:38,030 --> 01:04:39,830
- You know, uh...
- 1555
- 01:04:39,830 --> 01:04:41,200
- I've been doing
- a lot of thinking
- 1556
- 01:04:41,200 --> 01:04:43,170
- about the money
- you asked me for, mom, and...
- 1557
- 01:04:43,170 --> 01:04:45,540
- Um, I'm such an idiot.
- 1558
- 01:04:45,540 --> 01:04:49,310
- But it's Christmas
- and you're my mom and...
- 1559
- 01:04:50,810 --> 01:04:53,710
- Eh, fuck it. Here.
- It's a loan. It's a loan.
- 1560
- 01:04:53,720 --> 01:04:55,310
- I mean, this is not everything
- you asked for, but...
- 1561
- 01:04:55,320 --> 01:04:57,820
- - Oh, no, that's great!
- - Basically all I have.
- 1562
- 01:04:57,820 --> 01:04:59,480
- Thank you so much.
- This is a loan.
- 1563
- 01:04:59,490 --> 01:05:01,220
- I will pay you back, I swear.
- 1564
- 01:05:01,220 --> 01:05:02,620
- I really have
- my shit together now.
- 1565
- 01:05:02,620 --> 01:05:04,390
- Thanks. Whoa!
- 1566
- 01:05:04,390 --> 01:05:06,630
- Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas!
- 1567
- 01:05:06,630 --> 01:05:08,460
- - Merry Christmas!
- - Merry Christmas!
- 1568
- 01:05:08,460 --> 01:05:11,900
- Would you like to donate your
- cans to our Canned Food Drive?
- 1569
- 01:05:11,900 --> 01:05:14,870
- We're collecting
- for a drive for the homeless.
- 1570
- 01:05:14,870 --> 01:05:17,900
- - Yikes. I just bought all this.
- - And the canned goods.
- 1571
- 01:05:17,910 --> 01:05:19,970
- - You know, this is important.
- - The fuck is this?
- 1572
- 01:05:19,970 --> 01:05:21,810
- Uh, that's fennel.
- 1573
- 01:05:21,810 --> 01:05:23,380
- - Oh, fuck it.
- - So happy.
- 1574
- 01:05:23,380 --> 01:05:25,250
- Thank you so much.
- 1575
- 01:05:25,250 --> 01:05:28,980
- Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's
- coming. Code red, code red.
- 1576
- 01:05:28,980 --> 01:05:30,350
- Go, go, go. Mom!
- Where did we park?
- 1577
- 01:05:30,350 --> 01:05:32,080
- - Where did we park?
- - Happy Hanukkah.
- 1578
- 01:05:32,090 --> 01:05:33,320
- - Where did we park?
- - Go, go, go, go.
- 1579
- 01:05:33,320 --> 01:05:35,890
- They just totally stole
- all my shit.
- 1580
- 01:05:35,890 --> 01:05:37,390
- Taking this, though.
- This is cute, right?
- 1581
- 01:05:37,390 --> 01:05:38,520
- Yeah, yeah.
- 1582
- 01:05:38,530 --> 01:05:40,160
- KIKI:
- Okay, guys.
- 1583
- 01:05:40,160 --> 01:05:42,030
- So since it's Christmas Eve,
- everybody gets to open
- 1584
- 01:05:42,030 --> 01:05:43,530
- one present, okay?
- 1585
- 01:05:43,530 --> 01:05:46,230
- Oh! Kiki. Hey, Kiki, Kiki.
- Open mine.
- 1586
- 01:05:46,230 --> 01:05:48,230
- Please open mine first.
- Please.
- 1587
- 01:05:48,240 --> 01:05:51,040
- - I'll go first. I guess.
- - Okay.
- 1588
- 01:05:53,340 --> 01:05:54,540
- What's this?
- 1589
- 01:05:54,540 --> 01:05:57,280
- It is a key
- 1590
- 01:05:57,280 --> 01:06:00,080
- to my new house!
- 1591
- 01:06:00,080 --> 01:06:01,950
- What are you talking about?
- 1592
- 01:06:01,950 --> 01:06:03,750
- Well, after our therapy session
- 1593
- 01:06:03,750 --> 01:06:05,220
- I felt like
- we were drifting apart.
- 1594
- 01:06:05,220 --> 01:06:08,850
- So I decided to move
- closer to you guys.
- 1595
- 01:06:08,860 --> 01:06:11,890
- Oh. Okay. Uh,
- where are you moving to?
- 1596
- 01:06:11,890 --> 01:06:13,460
- Right next door!
- 1597
- 01:06:13,460 --> 01:06:16,100
- - Jesus.
- - What?
- 1598
- 01:06:16,100 --> 01:06:18,060
- You're moving, um,
- next door to me?
- 1599
- 01:06:18,070 --> 01:06:19,900
- Yeah, the house
- wasn't on the market.
- 1600
- 01:06:19,900 --> 01:06:22,140
- So I checked it out on Zillow
- and I made an all-cash offer.
- 1601
- 01:06:22,140 --> 01:06:24,400
- And then, boom.
- Howdy, neighbor.
- 1602
- 01:06:24,410 --> 01:06:27,110
- - Howdy, neighbor.
- - Oh, my God.
- 1603
- 01:06:27,110 --> 01:06:30,480
- We can dig a tunnel
- between the houses. Keeks!
- 1604
- 01:06:30,480 --> 01:06:32,250
- Oh, Keeks.
- 1605
- 01:06:33,480 --> 01:06:35,050
- Kent, get the kids out of here.
- 1606
- 01:06:35,050 --> 01:06:37,780
- Mm-hm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys.
- Let's get outta here.
- 1607
- 01:06:37,790 --> 01:06:39,320
- Mommy and grandma gotta talk.
- Come on, buddy.
- 1608
- 01:06:39,320 --> 01:06:41,150
- This is gonna get ugly.
- 1609
- 01:06:41,160 --> 01:06:42,420
- - Mom. Mom.
- - What? What?
- 1610
- 01:06:42,420 --> 01:06:43,990
- You can't live next door to me.
- 1611
- 01:06:43,990 --> 01:06:46,790
- - Why, why not?
- - Because I need space.
- 1612
- 01:06:46,790 --> 01:06:49,160
- And t-that,
- that is too close.
- 1613
- 01:06:50,930 --> 01:06:54,500
- - I have diabetes.
- - Mom, stop.
- 1614
- 01:06:54,500 --> 01:06:56,100
- - Sit down. Sit down.
- - Kiki. Kiki.
- 1615
- 01:06:56,100 --> 01:06:57,270
- - Sit.
- - Kiki.
- 1616
- 01:06:57,270 --> 01:06:58,740
- - I've got strep throat.
- - Mom.
- 1617
- 01:06:58,740 --> 01:07:00,170
- - I might have gallstones...
- - No.
- 1618
- 01:07:00,180 --> 01:07:02,010
- - And really, Kiki, this is...
- - Enough.
- 1619
- 01:07:02,010 --> 01:07:04,510
- We need to have
- this conversation.
- 1620
- 01:07:04,510 --> 01:07:07,610
- I am a grown woman
- who needs a life
- 1621
- 01:07:07,620 --> 01:07:10,020
- that is separate from yours,
- and I need you
- 1622
- 01:07:10,020 --> 01:07:12,850
- to have a life
- that's separate from mine.
- 1623
- 01:07:12,850 --> 01:07:14,790
- I'm sorry.
- 1624
- 01:07:14,790 --> 01:07:17,260
- Kiki, I don't want a life
- separate from yours.
- 1625
- 01:07:17,260 --> 01:07:18,690
- You're my favorite person
- in the whole world.
- 1626
- 01:07:18,690 --> 01:07:20,290
- I know, but, mom,
- this is starting
- 1627
- 01:07:20,290 --> 01:07:21,630
- to affect my marriage.
- 1628
- 01:07:21,630 --> 01:07:23,300
- - What?
- - And my family.
- 1629
- 01:07:23,300 --> 01:07:24,860
- - Oh.
- - And my sanity.
- 1630
- 01:07:24,870 --> 01:07:27,200
- And I just,
- I need you to...
- 1631
- 01:07:27,200 --> 01:07:30,310
- To, to just let me go
- a little bit.
- 1632
- 01:07:32,310 --> 01:07:35,140
- Well, what am I supposed
- to do with myself?
- 1633
- 01:07:35,140 --> 01:07:37,780
- I don't know, mom! Anything!
- Make some friends!
- 1634
- 01:07:37,780 --> 01:07:39,540
- You're always saying
- you wanna go to Vegas
- 1635
- 01:07:39,550 --> 01:07:41,980
- to see Wayne Newton
- before he dies.
- 1636
- 01:07:41,980 --> 01:07:43,950
- Do that! Anything!
- 1637
- 01:07:43,950 --> 01:07:46,120
- As long as it's without me!
- 1638
- 01:07:49,020 --> 01:07:50,030
- Without you?
- 1639
- 01:07:52,790 --> 01:07:54,900
- Why are you doing this
- to me, Kiki?
- 1640
- 01:07:56,330 --> 01:07:58,400
- I didn't... Mom.
- 1641
- 01:07:58,400 --> 01:08:01,900
- And I really don't think
- I can return that house!
- 1642
- 01:08:06,670 --> 01:08:07,670
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- 1643
- 01:08:10,540 --> 01:08:12,480
- - Whoo!
- - Hey.
- 1644
- 01:08:12,480 --> 01:08:14,350
- - How fun was that sledding?
- - Oh, that was fun.
- 1645
- 01:08:14,350 --> 01:08:16,720
- There is still an alarming
- amount of snow
- 1646
- 01:08:16,720 --> 01:08:18,180
- in my pants, I gotta say.
- 1647
- 01:08:18,190 --> 01:08:19,650
- Oh, I can't wait to go home
- 1648
- 01:08:19,650 --> 01:08:22,060
- throw on some jammies,
- get comfy.
- 1649
- 01:08:22,060 --> 01:08:25,520
- I know. It's gonna be... Oh,
- look, someone's having a party.
- 1650
- 01:08:25,530 --> 01:08:27,990
- Yeah, they are.
- 1651
- 01:08:28,000 --> 01:08:30,230
- - Wow, that's a lot of people.
- - A lot of people.
- 1652
- 01:08:30,230 --> 01:08:31,760
- Wait.
- 1653
- 01:08:31,770 --> 01:08:33,500
- You're having a party.
- 1654
- 01:08:34,570 --> 01:08:36,500
- Um, is that a camel?
- 1655
- 01:08:38,540 --> 01:08:40,440
- Yup, that's a camel.
- 1656
- 01:08:42,710 --> 01:08:44,680
- I'm gonna kill her.
- 1657
- 01:08:44,680 --> 01:08:47,580
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 1658
- 01:08:53,720 --> 01:08:55,620
- What the fuck?
- 1659
- 01:09:01,130 --> 01:09:03,800
- What did she do to my house?
- 1660
- 01:09:03,800 --> 01:09:04,860
- (SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
- 1661
- 01:09:04,870 --> 01:09:05,870
- No!
- 1662
- 01:09:06,970 --> 01:09:08,100
- Gomenasai.
- 1663
- 01:09:14,380 --> 01:09:16,750
- (SAXOPHONE MUSIC)
- 1664
- 01:09:20,250 --> 01:09:23,050
- Kenny G's in my den.
- 1665
- 01:09:23,050 --> 01:09:24,950
- (RUTH LAUGHING)
- 1666
- 01:09:28,720 --> 01:09:29,830
- AMY:
- Mom.
- 1667
- 01:09:31,090 --> 01:09:33,000
- You lied to me.
- 1668
- 01:09:34,430 --> 01:09:36,290
- I did what was best
- for the family.
- 1669
- 01:09:36,300 --> 01:09:39,070
- Mom, everything that is wrong
- with Christmas is in this room
- 1670
- 01:09:39,070 --> 01:09:40,430
- and I want it all gone.
- 1671
- 01:09:40,430 --> 01:09:42,170
- Amy, don't be ridiculous.
- 1672
- 01:09:42,170 --> 01:09:44,440
- You can't kick Kenny G
- out of the house.
- 1673
- 01:09:44,440 --> 01:09:45,770
- He's a national treasure.
- 1674
- 01:09:45,770 --> 01:09:47,670
- If you won't do it,
- then I will.
- 1675
- 01:09:47,670 --> 01:09:49,310
- You wouldn't dare.
- 1676
- 01:09:49,310 --> 01:09:51,250
- Oh. Watch me.
- 1677
- 01:09:54,450 --> 01:09:57,480
- Yo! I need you
- to leave my house.
- 1678
- 01:09:57,490 --> 01:09:58,650
- What are you talking about?
- 1679
- 01:09:58,650 --> 01:10:00,920
- Get the fuck out, Kenny G.
- 1680
- 01:10:00,920 --> 01:10:02,290
- - I'm still getting paid, right?
- - I don't know!
- 1681
- 01:10:02,290 --> 01:10:04,760
- Take your little flute and shoo!
- Shoo, fly.
- 1682
- 01:10:04,760 --> 01:10:06,860
- - Go make another album.
- - It's not a flute, bitch.
- 1683
- 01:10:06,860 --> 01:10:09,530
- Don't care. Thank you so much.
- Thank you. You can go now.
- 1684
- 01:10:09,530 --> 01:10:11,500
- Please. You can leave.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- 1685
- 01:10:11,500 --> 01:10:12,930
- Thank you very much.
- You too, my friend.
- 1686
- 01:10:12,930 --> 01:10:14,970
- Please. No, no. Please exit.
- 1687
- 01:10:14,970 --> 01:10:18,170
- I don't know any of you.
- Please leave my house.
- 1688
- 01:10:18,170 --> 01:10:21,010
- Farewell, see you later.
- Sushi chef, you gotta go.
- 1689
- 01:10:21,010 --> 01:10:22,370
- We're done.
- You can take that plate.
- 1690
- 01:10:22,380 --> 01:10:25,210
- Amy, stop!
- You're embarrassing the family.
- 1691
- 01:10:27,180 --> 01:10:29,450
- Oh, my God. That's what
- this is about, isn't it?
- 1692
- 01:10:29,450 --> 01:10:30,980
- This finally makes sense.
- 1693
- 01:10:30,990 --> 01:10:33,150
- The, the perfect decorations,
- the perfect tree
- 1694
- 01:10:33,150 --> 01:10:35,290
- whatever the hell
- that thing is in my front yard.
- 1695
- 01:10:35,290 --> 01:10:38,220
- You didn't do this for the kids!
- You did this for you!
- 1696
- 01:10:38,230 --> 01:10:39,890
- All you care about
- is for people to go
- 1697
- 01:10:39,890 --> 01:10:41,730
- "Oh, Ruth.
- You're so amazing."
- 1698
- 01:10:41,730 --> 01:10:43,460
- I have no idea
- what you're talking about.
- 1699
- 01:10:43,460 --> 01:10:45,000
- Please don't leave
- without taking
- 1700
- 01:10:45,000 --> 01:10:47,130
- your Louis Vuitton swag bag.
- 1701
- 01:10:47,130 --> 01:10:48,800
- Oh, God. Oh, God. Please.
- 1702
- 01:10:48,800 --> 01:10:50,800
- Th-this has got to all go.
- A-all of this has got to go.
- 1703
- 01:10:50,800 --> 01:10:53,070
- Th-the swag bags,
- th-the weird curtains
- 1704
- 01:10:53,070 --> 01:10:54,670
- the floor, the tree.
- 1705
- 01:10:54,680 --> 01:10:57,240
- Oh, God, the tree
- has got to go.
- 1706
- 01:10:57,250 --> 01:10:59,540
- No, not my tree!
- It's from Paris!
- 1707
- 01:10:59,550 --> 01:11:01,810
- - Watch me.
- - No!
- 1708
- 01:11:01,820 --> 01:11:03,350
- No!
- 1709
- 01:11:03,350 --> 01:11:05,220
- Say goodbye to your tree,
- mother!
- 1710
- 01:11:05,220 --> 01:11:08,420
- - That's an antique!
- - It's a hideous tree, mother!
- 1711
- 01:11:08,420 --> 01:11:10,860
- - You have no idea!
- - It's not even real snow!
- 1712
- 01:11:10,860 --> 01:11:12,820
- How dare you! You know
- how much that thing costs?
- 1713
- 01:11:12,830 --> 01:11:14,690
- I don't care! Let go!
- 1714
- 01:11:14,700 --> 01:11:17,360
- Let go! Let go!
- 1715
- 01:11:17,370 --> 01:11:19,830
- Those were from the "Titanic!"
- 1716
- 01:11:19,830 --> 01:11:21,170
- I don't care!
- 1717
- 01:11:24,270 --> 01:11:25,870
- That ice was from the moon!
- 1718
- 01:11:25,870 --> 01:11:28,170
- It was moon ice,
- you nasty bitch!
- 1719
- 01:11:28,180 --> 01:11:30,510
- Let go of the stupid tree!
- 1720
- 01:11:30,510 --> 01:11:32,580
- Let go!
- 1721
- 01:11:32,580 --> 01:11:33,950
- Listen, mom!
- 1722
- 01:11:33,950 --> 01:11:35,350
- I promised my kids
- 1723
- 01:11:35,350 --> 01:11:36,950
- I wouldn't do Christmas
- like this!
- 1724
- 01:11:36,950 --> 01:11:39,280
- Everybody loves
- a Christmas like this!
- 1725
- 01:11:39,290 --> 01:11:40,950
- It's fucking spectacular!
- 1726
- 01:11:40,960 --> 01:11:42,720
- No, they don't!
- 1727
- 01:11:43,890 --> 01:11:46,060
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- 1728
- 01:11:53,930 --> 01:11:55,470
- Holy shit.
- 1729
- 01:11:56,700 --> 01:11:59,140
- - I need you to get out.
- - Amy.
- 1730
- 01:11:59,140 --> 01:12:00,470
- I've been putting up
- with your shit
- 1731
- 01:12:00,470 --> 01:12:02,810
- my entire life.
- 1732
- 01:12:02,810 --> 01:12:04,380
- I can't do it anymore.
- 1733
- 01:12:04,380 --> 01:12:06,540
- I just... I can't.
- 1734
- 01:12:06,550 --> 01:12:07,950
- I need you out of my house
- 1735
- 01:12:07,950 --> 01:12:09,950
- and I need you
- out of my life for good.
- 1736
- 01:12:09,950 --> 01:12:13,720
- - You don't mean that.
- - I really, really do.
- 1737
- 01:12:17,130 --> 01:12:19,460
- - Amy, it's Christmas.
- - Mother, get out!
- 1738
- 01:12:23,430 --> 01:12:25,330
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 1739
- 01:12:43,790 --> 01:12:45,920
- Did you just kick out
- grandma forever?
- 1740
- 01:12:47,460 --> 01:12:49,190
- Guys, how long
- have you been standing here?
- 1741
- 01:12:49,190 --> 01:12:51,020
- How could you do this to us?
- 1742
- 01:12:51,020 --> 01:12:53,360
- Guys, would you please just
- trust me that it's for the best?
- 1743
- 01:12:53,360 --> 01:12:55,990
- No, it's not!
- It's the best for you.
- 1744
- 01:12:56,000 --> 01:12:57,630
- We actually love grandma.
- 1745
- 01:12:57,630 --> 01:13:00,370
- Yeah, she's a part of our
- family, and we love her.
- 1746
- 01:13:00,370 --> 01:13:02,530
- Yo-you don't just
- kick someone out.
- 1747
- 01:13:02,540 --> 01:13:05,670
- First, you kick dad out.
- Now, you kick grandma out.
- 1748
- 01:13:05,670 --> 01:13:07,940
- Who's next?
- Are you gonna kick us out?
- 1749
- 01:13:07,940 --> 01:13:11,110
- What, honey, no, of course not.
- I would never do that.
- 1750
- 01:13:11,110 --> 01:13:13,680
- Why do you always have
- to screw everything up?
- 1751
- 01:13:15,280 --> 01:13:16,780
- Honey...
- 1752
- 01:13:16,780 --> 01:13:17,790
- Nice goin'.
- 1753
- 01:13:19,950 --> 01:13:20,950
- Guys.
- 1754
- 01:13:22,160 --> 01:13:23,160
- Guys...
- 1755
- 01:13:32,200 --> 01:13:34,730
- AMY:
- So that's how it happened.
- 1756
- 01:13:34,740 --> 01:13:37,870
- That's how I ruined Christmas.
- 1757
- 01:13:37,870 --> 01:13:39,970
- I got so wrapped up
- in fighting with my mom
- 1758
- 01:13:39,970 --> 01:13:41,640
- that I lost sight
- of the only thing
- 1759
- 01:13:41,640 --> 01:13:44,180
- that actually matters.
- 1760
- 01:13:44,180 --> 01:13:46,080
- I lost sight of my kids.
- 1761
- 01:13:47,080 --> 01:13:49,550
- And what's worse is...
- 1762
- 01:13:49,550 --> 01:13:51,820
- I didn't just ruin Christmas.
- 1763
- 01:13:51,820 --> 01:13:54,490
- I ruined my family.
- 1764
- 01:13:54,490 --> 01:13:56,390
- (THE LUMINEERS SINGING
- "SLEEP ON THE FLOOR")
- 1765
- 01:13:56,390 --> 01:14:00,430
- ♪ Forget what
- Father Brennan said ♪
- 1766
- 01:14:00,430 --> 01:14:03,900
- ♪ We were not born in sin ♪
- 1767
- 01:14:03,900 --> 01:14:07,600
- ♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪
- 1768
- 01:14:07,600 --> 01:14:09,440
- Mom?
- 1769
- 01:14:09,440 --> 01:14:11,240
- It's Christmas Eve.
- 1770
- 01:14:11,240 --> 01:14:13,170
- Where do you wanna get takeout?
- 1771
- 01:14:15,580 --> 01:14:18,380
- Mom? Mom?
- 1772
- 01:14:20,780 --> 01:14:22,720
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 1773
- 01:14:35,560 --> 01:14:39,270
- ♪ Pack yourself
- a toothbrush dear ♪
- 1774
- 01:14:39,270 --> 01:14:42,640
- ♪ Pack yourself
- a favorite blouse ♪
- 1775
- 01:14:42,640 --> 01:14:46,400
- ♪ Take a withdrawal slip ♪
- 1776
- 01:14:46,410 --> 01:14:49,710
- ♪ Take all
- of your savings out ♪
- 1777
- 01:14:49,710 --> 01:14:53,450
- ♪ 'Cause if we don't
- leave this town ♪
- 1778
- 01:14:53,450 --> 01:14:56,790
- ♪ We might never make it out ♪
- 1779
- 01:15:04,390 --> 01:15:06,290
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 1780
- 01:15:11,470 --> 01:15:15,570
- ♪ Forget what
- Father Brennan said ♪
- 1781
- 01:15:15,570 --> 01:15:19,070
- ♪ We were not born in sin ♪
- 1782
- 01:15:19,070 --> 01:15:22,570
- ♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪
- 1783
- 01:15:22,580 --> 01:15:26,150
- ♪ Let your mother know
- you're safe ♪
- 1784
- 01:15:26,150 --> 01:15:29,520
- ♪ And by the time she wakes ♪
- 1785
- 01:15:29,520 --> 01:15:33,190
- ♪ We'll have driven
- through the state ♪
- 1786
- 01:15:33,190 --> 01:15:36,420
- ♪ We'll have driven
- through the night ♪
- 1787
- 01:15:36,420 --> 01:15:38,620
- ♪ Baby come on ♪
- 1788
- 01:15:38,630 --> 01:15:39,630
- Hey.
- 1789
- 01:15:40,830 --> 01:15:43,330
- Oh, hello.
- 1790
- 01:15:43,330 --> 01:15:47,100
- Thank you again for
- inviting me to your church.
- 1791
- 01:15:47,100 --> 01:15:49,170
- I really didn't.
- 1792
- 01:15:49,170 --> 01:15:55,170
- ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪
- 1793
- 01:15:55,180 --> 01:15:56,840
- What's up, bitches?
- 1794
- 01:15:56,840 --> 01:15:59,010
- Oh, my gosh, it's Isis.
- 1795
- 01:15:59,010 --> 01:16:00,450
- Isis is here.
- 1796
- 01:16:00,450 --> 01:16:03,050
- - Hi, Isis.
- - Hey.
- 1797
- 01:16:03,050 --> 01:16:04,680
- Well, I must say,
- I didn't expect you
- 1798
- 01:16:04,680 --> 01:16:06,650
- to be the church-going type.
- 1799
- 01:16:06,650 --> 01:16:09,990
- Well, I'm,
- I'm workin' out some shit.
- 1800
- 01:16:09,990 --> 01:16:11,890
- Plus, all the bars are closed.
- 1801
- 01:16:14,660 --> 01:16:17,400
- (SIGHS)
- Oh, you guys.
- 1802
- 01:16:17,400 --> 01:16:20,740
- I could really use some
- churchin' tonight.
- 1803
- 01:16:22,570 --> 01:16:24,500
- You know what I mean?
- 1804
- 01:16:24,510 --> 01:16:26,400
- - No.
- - Nope?
- 1805
- 01:16:26,410 --> 01:16:30,410
- Well, today my daughter told me
- she needed "More space."
- 1806
- 01:16:30,410 --> 01:16:32,380
- I don't even know
- what that's supposed to mean.
- 1807
- 01:16:32,380 --> 01:16:34,010
- Yeah, well,
- my daughter just kicked me
- 1808
- 01:16:34,010 --> 01:16:35,410
- out of her life forever.
- 1809
- 01:16:35,420 --> 01:16:36,480
- (GASPS)
- 1810
- 01:16:36,480 --> 01:16:38,220
- Why?
- 1811
- 01:16:38,220 --> 01:16:39,920
- Because I push her
- to be the best
- 1812
- 01:16:39,920 --> 01:16:42,020
- and she can't handle it.
- 1813
- 01:16:42,020 --> 01:16:43,760
- Of course, my mother
- pushed me twice as hard
- 1814
- 01:16:43,760 --> 01:16:45,890
- and I turned out amazing.
- 1815
- 01:16:45,890 --> 01:16:50,330
- But I guess not everyone
- is as incredibly strong as I am.
- 1816
- 01:16:50,330 --> 01:16:53,330
- Well, my daughter didn't kick me
- out of the house or anything.
- 1817
- 01:16:53,330 --> 01:16:55,500
- But you would not believe
- how mad she got
- 1818
- 01:16:55,500 --> 01:16:57,540
- when I told her I bought
- the house next to hers.
- 1819
- 01:16:57,540 --> 01:17:00,170
- What? You bought the house
- next to your daughter?
- 1820
- 01:17:00,170 --> 01:17:03,040
- - Yeah, I did.
- - Did you ask her first?
- 1821
- 01:17:03,040 --> 01:17:05,740
- No, I wanted it
- to be a surprise.
- 1822
- 01:17:05,750 --> 01:17:07,880
- Yeah, that might be a bit much.
- 1823
- 01:17:07,880 --> 01:17:10,550
- Dude, that is fucking psycho.
- 1824
- 01:17:10,550 --> 01:17:12,220
- Well, at least
- I love my daughter.
- 1825
- 01:17:12,220 --> 01:17:14,550
- You only visit Carla
- when you need money.
- 1826
- 01:17:14,550 --> 01:17:15,690
- Uh, no, that is not true.
- 1827
- 01:17:15,690 --> 01:17:17,220
- I visit her on other occasions
- 1828
- 01:17:17,220 --> 01:17:20,090
- like when I'm hiding
- from someone.
- 1829
- 01:17:20,090 --> 01:17:22,030
- Oh, just admit it, Isis.
- 1830
- 01:17:22,030 --> 01:17:23,560
- You're a degenerate gambler
- 1831
- 01:17:23,560 --> 01:17:24,860
- with a third-grade education
- 1832
- 01:17:24,870 --> 01:17:26,030
- and a cheap weave.
- 1833
- 01:17:26,030 --> 01:17:28,370
- This is my own hair, okay?
- 1834
- 01:17:28,370 --> 01:17:29,900
- And you're a terrible mother.
- 1835
- 01:17:29,900 --> 01:17:33,040
- - Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday.
- - No, I'm serious.
- 1836
- 01:17:33,040 --> 01:17:35,140
- You think that
- you are so perfect.
- 1837
- 01:17:35,140 --> 01:17:37,710
- But you are the worst mom
- of all of us.
- 1838
- 01:17:37,710 --> 01:17:39,540
- - Well, I don't know...
- - Okay, okay.
- 1839
- 01:17:39,550 --> 01:17:41,550
- Second worst, whatever.
- But the point is
- 1840
- 01:17:41,550 --> 01:17:45,720
- that you're one of those moms
- that you, you dress so perfectly
- 1841
- 01:17:45,720 --> 01:17:49,590
- and you give fancy parties,
- and you know how to cook food.
- 1842
- 01:17:49,590 --> 01:17:51,760
- And, and you have
- all your own teeth.
- 1843
- 01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:53,090
- But you know what? You suck.
- 1844
- 01:17:53,090 --> 01:17:55,760
- You suck at all the shit
- that really matters.
- 1845
- 01:17:55,760 --> 01:17:58,330
- And I even can see it,
- and I'm stoned all the time.
- 1846
- 01:17:58,330 --> 01:17:59,730
- Please, you don't know
- the first thing about me.
- 1847
- 01:17:59,730 --> 01:18:01,070
- Well, if you're
- such an awesome mom
- 1848
- 01:18:01,070 --> 01:18:02,270
- why did your daughter
- kick you out
- 1849
- 01:18:02,270 --> 01:18:03,570
- of her life forever?
- 1850
- 01:18:03,570 --> 01:18:05,270
- In your face.
- 1851
- 01:18:05,270 --> 01:18:06,640
- And you know what,
- I have done horrible stuff
- 1852
- 01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:08,610
- to my daughter,
- really horrible shit.
- 1853
- 01:18:08,610 --> 01:18:11,810
- And she has never
- kicked me out. Never.
- 1854
- 01:18:11,810 --> 01:18:14,450
- So you just take that
- and you roll it up real tight
- 1855
- 01:18:14,450 --> 01:18:17,420
- and you shove it up your ass.
- 1856
- 01:18:17,420 --> 01:18:19,920
- Okay.
- 1857
- 01:18:19,920 --> 01:18:24,120
- We've all shared some very
- powerful feelings tonight.
- 1858
- 01:18:24,130 --> 01:18:25,490
- Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy.
- 1859
- 01:18:25,490 --> 01:18:26,490
- You bet.
- 1860
- 01:18:28,000 --> 01:18:29,930
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 1861
- 01:18:38,770 --> 01:18:40,210
- (DOOR OPENS)
- 1862
- 01:18:43,680 --> 01:18:45,940
- - Hey.
- - Hey.
- 1863
- 01:18:45,950 --> 01:18:48,280
- Well, I heard what happened.
- 1864
- 01:18:48,280 --> 01:18:49,550
- Hmm.
- 1865
- 01:18:51,380 --> 01:18:52,720
- You doin' okay?
- 1866
- 01:18:55,120 --> 01:18:56,460
- I don't know.
- 1867
- 01:18:59,530 --> 01:19:00,960
- Can I ask you something?
- 1868
- 01:19:00,960 --> 01:19:02,360
- Sure.
- 1869
- 01:19:02,360 --> 01:19:04,400
- How do you take it?
- 1870
- 01:19:04,400 --> 01:19:05,530
- Take what?
- 1871
- 01:19:05,530 --> 01:19:07,130
- Living with mom.
- 1872
- 01:19:07,130 --> 01:19:08,970
- I mean, s-s-she's so bossy
- 1873
- 01:19:08,970 --> 01:19:10,400
- and controlling and...
- 1874
- 01:19:10,400 --> 01:19:12,470
- Oh, my God, she's so vain.
- 1875
- 01:19:12,470 --> 01:19:14,840
- I mean, she spends all her time
- 1876
- 01:19:14,840 --> 01:19:17,380
- you know, creating this,
- this perfect image of herself
- 1877
- 01:19:17,380 --> 01:19:19,140
- just so she can
- lord it over people.
- 1878
- 01:19:19,150 --> 01:19:21,650
- Sweetie, your mom isn't vain.
- 1879
- 01:19:21,650 --> 01:19:23,850
- Oh, come on, she, she wears
- 1880
- 01:19:23,850 --> 01:19:26,920
- a princess outfit
- at least once a month.
- 1881
- 01:19:26,920 --> 01:19:28,650
- You're probably
- never gonna believe this.
- 1882
- 01:19:28,660 --> 01:19:30,990
- But your mom is the most
- insecure woman I've ever met.
- 1883
- 01:19:32,060 --> 01:19:33,930
- My mother?
- 1884
- 01:19:33,930 --> 01:19:36,160
- - Ruth?
- - Yes.
- 1885
- 01:19:36,160 --> 01:19:39,200
- - Redmond? Huh.
- - Yes.
- 1886
- 01:19:39,200 --> 01:19:41,000
- She never shows
- anyone except for me.
- 1887
- 01:19:41,000 --> 01:19:45,200
- But beneath that tough exterior
- is a scared little girl
- 1888
- 01:19:45,210 --> 01:19:46,940
- whose mom
- never really loved her.
- 1889
- 01:19:46,940 --> 01:19:48,570
- Oh, come on, dad.
- 1890
- 01:19:48,580 --> 01:19:50,580
- You know her mother.
- 1891
- 01:19:50,580 --> 01:19:52,010
- Nothing your mom does
- 1892
- 01:19:52,010 --> 01:19:53,450
- is ever good enough
- for that woman.
- 1893
- 01:19:53,450 --> 01:19:55,580
- She makes your mom
- feel worthless
- 1894
- 01:19:55,580 --> 01:19:57,780
- every single day
- of her life.
- 1895
- 01:19:57,790 --> 01:19:59,780
- So that's why it's
- so important to your mom
- 1896
- 01:19:59,790 --> 01:20:01,720
- to make everything perfect.
- 1897
- 01:20:01,720 --> 01:20:03,190
- It's not because she's vain.
- 1898
- 01:20:03,190 --> 01:20:05,220
- It's, it's, it's...
- You know, it's because
- 1899
- 01:20:05,230 --> 01:20:07,460
- when someone tells her
- she's got the most amazing
- 1900
- 01:20:07,460 --> 01:20:10,400
- Christmas tree on the block, it
- makes her feel just for a second
- 1901
- 01:20:10,400 --> 01:20:12,130
- like she's not worthless.
- 1902
- 01:20:12,130 --> 01:20:15,570
- Like she's, she's actually
- good at something.
- 1903
- 01:20:15,570 --> 01:20:17,970
- Like she's, like she's loved.
- 1904
- 01:20:17,970 --> 01:20:19,900
- Why does she take it
- out on me then?
- 1905
- 01:20:19,910 --> 01:20:22,270
- Because you know what
- she's most insecure about?
- 1906
- 01:20:22,280 --> 01:20:23,980
- Mm...
- 1907
- 01:20:23,980 --> 01:20:25,310
- Bein' a mom.
- 1908
- 01:20:28,080 --> 01:20:31,750
- I-I can't tell you the number
- of times she said to me...
- 1909
- 01:20:31,750 --> 01:20:34,720
- "Did I do a good job
- raising Amy?
- 1910
- 01:20:34,720 --> 01:20:37,260
- Am I good mother?
- Did I screw everything up?"
- 1911
- 01:20:38,260 --> 01:20:39,490
- She really asked that?
- 1912
- 01:20:39,490 --> 01:20:41,160
- Sweetheart, she loves you
- 1913
- 01:20:41,160 --> 01:20:42,760
- more than anything in the world.
- 1914
- 01:20:42,760 --> 01:20:45,630
- She's just got a...
- 1915
- 01:20:45,630 --> 01:20:47,430
- a deeply fucked up way
- of showing it.
- 1916
- 01:20:47,430 --> 01:20:49,100
- Yeah.
- 1917
- 01:20:49,100 --> 01:20:52,500
- Look, I've been married
- to your mother for 36 years.
- 1918
- 01:20:52,510 --> 01:20:53,940
- Hm.
- 1919
- 01:20:53,940 --> 01:20:56,980
- And she is a pain in the ass
- even on a good day.
- 1920
- 01:20:56,980 --> 01:20:58,680
- But you know what?
- 1921
- 01:20:58,680 --> 01:21:01,150
- I love her more now than I did
- the day we got married.
- 1922
- 01:21:01,150 --> 01:21:04,120
- Because I know the real her.
- 1923
- 01:21:04,120 --> 01:21:08,120
- And if you can find it
- in your heart to forgive her
- 1924
- 01:21:08,120 --> 01:21:10,520
- and get to know her
- like I know her...
- 1925
- 01:21:10,520 --> 01:21:15,190
- you might just find
- that there is a funny
- 1926
- 01:21:15,200 --> 01:21:19,170
- sweet, beautiful person
- hiding inside there.
- 1927
- 01:21:20,430 --> 01:21:22,200
- Did you say "Sweet?"
- 1928
- 01:21:22,200 --> 01:21:26,540
- Okay, a funny, beautiful person
- hiding in there.
- 1929
- 01:21:30,010 --> 01:21:31,010
- Yeah.
- 1930
- 01:21:32,880 --> 01:21:33,880
- Yeah.
- 1931
- 01:21:35,850 --> 01:21:37,480
- You know where she is?
- 1932
- 01:21:37,480 --> 01:21:39,150
- It's Christmas Eve.
- 1933
- 01:21:39,150 --> 01:21:41,950
- (UPBEAT MUSIC)
- 1934
- 01:21:41,960 --> 01:21:43,860
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- 1935
- 01:21:46,030 --> 01:21:47,530
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- 1936
- 01:21:58,740 --> 01:22:03,040
- ♪ And the mountains in reply ♪
- 1937
- 01:22:03,040 --> 01:22:06,850
- ♪ Echoing their
- joyous strains ♪
- 1938
- 01:22:06,850 --> 01:22:13,350
- ♪ Glo-o-o-ria ♪
- 1939
- 01:22:14,320 --> 01:22:15,820
- Excuse me, I'm so sorry.
- 1940
- 01:22:15,820 --> 01:22:18,760
- ♪ In excelsis Deo ♪
- 1941
- 01:22:18,760 --> 01:22:21,860
- ♪ Gl-o-o-oria ♪
- 1942
- 01:22:21,860 --> 01:22:23,730
- Hey, mom.
- 1943
- 01:22:23,730 --> 01:22:24,730
- Hi.
- 1944
- 01:22:26,370 --> 01:22:28,570
- - Hi.
- - Hi, I'm Sandy.
- 1945
- 01:22:28,570 --> 01:22:30,100
- - I'm Kiki's mom.
- - Yes, I know.
- 1946
- 01:22:30,100 --> 01:22:32,070
- - Nice to see you again.
- - How you doin'?
- 1947
- 01:22:32,070 --> 01:22:33,400
- Hey, wow, look at that.
- 1948
- 01:22:33,410 --> 01:22:36,410
- All of you are here. Okay.
- 1949
- 01:22:36,410 --> 01:22:38,540
- And what are you
- doing here, Amy?
- 1950
- 01:22:38,550 --> 01:22:40,540
- I, um...
- 1951
- 01:22:40,550 --> 01:22:42,280
- I actually came to apologize
- 1952
- 01:22:42,280 --> 01:22:44,220
- for kicking you out
- of the house.
- 1953
- 01:22:46,690 --> 01:22:49,290
- You're my mom,
- and that was a little harsh.
- 1954
- 01:22:49,290 --> 01:22:50,860
- It certainly was.
- 1955
- 01:22:52,360 --> 01:22:53,360
- Yeah.
- 1956
- 01:22:54,800 --> 01:22:56,030
- Okay.
- 1957
- 01:22:56,030 --> 01:22:57,360
- Hey, psycho bitch
- 1958
- 01:22:57,360 --> 01:22:58,900
- your daughter just
- apologized to you.
- 1959
- 01:22:58,900 --> 01:23:01,600
- You're now supposed to say
- "I'm sorry" to her.
- 1960
- 01:23:01,600 --> 01:23:03,640
- That's the way human beings
- talk to each other.
- 1961
- 01:23:03,640 --> 01:23:04,640
- Yeah.
- 1962
- 01:23:09,710 --> 01:23:12,450
- I'm also basically sorry.
- 1963
- 01:23:15,250 --> 01:23:17,480
- Okay, good. That was good.
- 1964
- 01:23:17,480 --> 01:23:19,420
- Now, tell her
- what you're sorry for.
- 1965
- 01:23:21,390 --> 01:23:22,720
- (WHISPERING)
- You got this.
- 1966
- 01:23:24,120 --> 01:23:26,260
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- 1967
- 01:23:26,260 --> 01:23:27,960
- It is possible
- that I should not
- 1968
- 01:23:27,960 --> 01:23:31,560
- have thrown a secret
- Christmas party at your house.
- 1969
- 01:23:31,560 --> 01:23:33,770
- Obviously, you made
- an incredible number
- 1970
- 01:23:33,770 --> 01:23:36,740
- of bad decisions
- this Christmas as well.
- 1971
- 01:23:36,740 --> 01:23:42,270
- But... for the tiny fraction
- of blame that falls on me
- 1972
- 01:23:42,280 --> 01:23:47,850
- I am... I am
- generally... apologetic.
- 1973
- 01:23:50,120 --> 01:23:51,820
- Okay.
- 1974
- 01:23:51,820 --> 01:23:53,950
- Thank you.
- 1975
- 01:23:53,950 --> 01:23:55,820
- Mom, I know that that was
- 1976
- 01:23:55,820 --> 01:23:57,520
- really, really hard
- for you to say.
- 1977
- 01:23:57,520 --> 01:23:59,460
- I-it actually really was.
- 1978
- 01:24:03,000 --> 01:24:05,360
- And, um... you know what?
- 1979
- 01:24:05,370 --> 01:24:07,330
- I just, I want you
- to know that I finally
- 1980
- 01:24:07,330 --> 01:24:09,270
- understand why you're like this.
- 1981
- 01:24:11,870 --> 01:24:16,780
- And I need you to know...
- that I love you.
- 1982
- 01:24:19,450 --> 01:24:21,350
- What's that supposed to mean?
- 1983
- 01:24:24,620 --> 01:24:27,160
- I don't think
- that you're worthless.
- 1984
- 01:24:29,490 --> 01:24:31,890
- I think you're fucking amazing.
- 1985
- 01:24:31,890 --> 01:24:33,230
- Why are you saying this?
- 1986
- 01:24:33,230 --> 01:24:35,160
- And no matter
- what anyone says...
- 1987
- 01:24:37,330 --> 01:24:39,470
- I think you're a great mom.
- 1988
- 01:24:43,500 --> 01:24:45,000
- Really?
- 1989
- 01:24:45,010 --> 01:24:46,010
- Yeah.
- 1990
- 01:24:47,410 --> 01:24:49,340
- Yeah, I loved my childhood.
- 1991
- 01:24:50,810 --> 01:24:53,150
- I did. You gave me everything
- that I needed.
- 1992
- 01:24:54,850 --> 01:24:57,190
- And you always pushed me
- to do better.
- 1993
- 01:24:59,190 --> 01:25:01,150
- And were you perfect?
- 1994
- 01:25:01,160 --> 01:25:03,150
- - Yes.
- - No.
- 1995
- 01:25:03,160 --> 01:25:04,920
- (CHUCKLES)
- 1996
- 01:25:04,920 --> 01:25:08,090
- But none of us are.
- 1997
- 01:25:08,090 --> 01:25:10,260
- So, I just...
- 1998
- 01:25:10,260 --> 01:25:16,170
- I really want you
- to know... that you did great.
- 1999
- 01:25:18,540 --> 01:25:22,670
- That's the nicest thing that
- anyone has ever said to me.
- 2000
- 01:25:22,680 --> 01:25:24,340
- I mean, I...
- 2001
- 01:25:24,340 --> 01:25:27,850
- I actually think that
- you're a really wonderful mom.
- 2002
- 01:25:27,850 --> 01:25:29,550
- I mean, your kids are so happy.
- 2003
- 01:25:29,550 --> 01:25:32,290
- They're so sweet
- and they love you so much.
- 2004
- 01:25:35,350 --> 01:25:37,690
- - Thank you.
- - I mean, I wish...
- 2005
- 01:25:40,230 --> 01:25:43,900
- I wish I was as close to you
- as you are to your kids.
- 2006
- 01:25:46,730 --> 01:25:48,640
- We still can, mom.
- 2007
- 01:25:52,240 --> 01:25:55,070
- Wow, I'm just not
- very good at this, Amy.
- 2008
- 01:25:55,080 --> 01:25:57,810
- But I just love you so much.
- 2009
- 01:25:58,880 --> 01:26:02,450
- I love you so much. I do.
- 2010
- 01:26:06,420 --> 01:26:08,590
- - God.
- - Oh, my God.
- 2011
- 01:26:08,590 --> 01:26:10,820
- You're a train wreck.
- 2012
- 01:26:10,820 --> 01:26:13,730
- Well, it's a very complicated
- 2013
- 01:26:13,730 --> 01:26:15,960
- relationship between
- a mother and a daughter.
- 2014
- 01:26:15,960 --> 01:26:18,130
- But these two...
- 2015
- 01:26:18,130 --> 01:26:19,400
- They've got it together.
- 2016
- 01:26:19,400 --> 01:26:20,800
- - I know. I know, babe.
- - Finally.
- 2017
- 01:26:20,800 --> 01:26:22,630
- Yeah. Okay. Here.
- 2018
- 01:26:22,640 --> 01:26:25,170
- - Do you want some this?
- - Yes.
- 2019
- 01:26:25,170 --> 01:26:27,770
- It's okay. It's okay.
- 2020
- 01:26:27,770 --> 01:26:28,940
- It's okay.
- 2021
- 01:26:28,940 --> 01:26:30,340
- Okay, mom?
- 2022
- 01:26:30,340 --> 01:26:31,940
- (BELL TOLLING)
- 2023
- 01:26:31,950 --> 01:26:33,280
- Mom, is it midnight already?
- 2024
- 01:26:33,280 --> 01:26:34,280
- Well, yeah.
- 2025
- 01:26:35,820 --> 01:26:37,620
- We gotta save Christmas.
- 2026
- 01:26:37,620 --> 01:26:39,650
- Oh, my God. I've been waiting
- my whole life for this.
- 2027
- 01:26:39,650 --> 01:26:42,520
- (GWEN STEFANI SINGING
- "JINGLE BELLS")
- 2028
- 01:26:42,520 --> 01:26:44,920
- ♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
- 2029
- 01:26:44,920 --> 01:26:48,030
- ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
- 2030
- 01:26:48,030 --> 01:26:50,700
- ♪ O'er the fields we go ♪
- 2031
- 01:26:50,700 --> 01:26:53,360
- - ♪ Laughing all the way ♪
- - ♪ Laughing all the way ♪
- 2032
- 01:26:53,370 --> 01:26:56,000
- ♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪
- 2033
- 01:26:56,000 --> 01:26:58,370
- ♪ Making spirits bright ♪
- 2034
- 01:26:58,370 --> 01:27:01,310
- ♪ What fun it is
- to laugh and sing ♪
- 2035
- 01:27:01,310 --> 01:27:03,640
- ♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪
- 2036
- 01:27:03,640 --> 01:27:06,980
- ♪ Whoa jingle bells
- jingle bells ♪
- 2037
- 01:27:06,980 --> 01:27:09,780
- - ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
- - ♪ Jingle jingle ♪
- 2038
- 01:27:09,780 --> 01:27:12,180
- ♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪
- 2039
- 01:27:12,190 --> 01:27:14,190
- ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
- 2040
- 01:27:14,190 --> 01:27:17,690
- ♪ Hey jingle bells
- jingle bells ♪
- 2041
- 01:27:17,690 --> 01:27:20,660
- - ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
- - ♪ Jingle jingle ♪
- 2042
- 01:27:20,660 --> 01:27:23,130
- ♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪
- 2043
- 01:27:23,130 --> 01:27:27,870
- ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
- 2044
- 01:27:34,880 --> 01:27:36,740
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 2045
- 01:27:43,150 --> 01:27:46,350
- Oh, my God!
- This is amazing.
- 2046
- 01:27:47,590 --> 01:27:49,650
- Merry Christmas, guys.
- 2047
- 01:27:49,660 --> 01:27:52,660
- Mom, you really
- did a lot of work.
- 2048
- 01:27:52,660 --> 01:27:54,560
- I had a little help.
- 2049
- 01:27:55,830 --> 01:27:57,160
- Merry Christmas, children.
- 2050
- 01:27:57,160 --> 01:27:59,400
- Grandma.
- 2051
- 01:27:59,400 --> 01:28:02,700
- Oh! Go open your presents.
- 2052
- 01:28:02,700 --> 01:28:05,570
- I got you seasons one through
- six of "The Walking Dead."
- 2053
- 01:28:05,570 --> 01:28:08,010
- - Oh, good Lord. Really, mom?
- - Thanks, grandma.
- 2054
- 01:28:08,010 --> 01:28:09,540
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- I'll get it.
- 2055
- 01:28:09,540 --> 01:28:11,080
- Oh, my God.
- 2056
- 01:28:12,210 --> 01:28:14,250
- Merry Christmas!
- 2057
- 01:28:14,250 --> 01:28:17,250
- Lori, Merry Christmas, honey.
- 2058
- 01:28:17,250 --> 01:28:20,250
- - Merry Christmas, Ruth.
- - Merry Christmas, Jesus.
- 2059
- 01:28:20,250 --> 01:28:22,750
- Uh, it's, it's Jessie.
- 2060
- 01:28:22,760 --> 01:28:24,560
- Wow, you have
- really broad shoulders.
- 2061
- 01:28:24,560 --> 01:28:26,120
- Amy, feel his shoulders.
- 2062
- 01:28:26,130 --> 01:28:27,730
- Oh, here we go. Okay, mother.
- 2063
- 01:28:27,730 --> 01:28:29,590
- Thank you. Get in.
- 2064
- 01:28:29,600 --> 01:28:32,360
- Oh, thanks for almost
- learning his name.
- 2065
- 01:28:32,370 --> 01:28:34,270
- I love you, girl.
- 2066
- 01:28:38,370 --> 01:28:39,710
- Merry Christmas, Kiki.
- 2067
- 01:28:40,870 --> 01:28:42,710
- Merry Christmas, mom.
- 2068
- 01:28:42,710 --> 01:28:44,610
- Do you like my
- Kiki-head pajamas?
- 2069
- 01:28:47,780 --> 01:28:50,080
- - Sort of.
- - Thank you.
- 2070
- 01:28:50,080 --> 01:28:51,280
- I just wanted to let you know
- 2071
- 01:28:51,290 --> 01:28:52,920
- that I have put the house
- 2072
- 01:28:52,920 --> 01:28:55,150
- next door on the market.
- 2073
- 01:28:55,160 --> 01:28:56,750
- - Thank you.
- - You're welcome.
- 2074
- 01:28:56,760 --> 01:28:58,220
- I really appreciate that.
- 2075
- 01:28:58,220 --> 01:29:00,660
- I know I can be a little
- psycho sometimes.
- 2076
- 01:29:00,660 --> 01:29:02,630
- And I know you need your space.
- 2077
- 01:29:02,630 --> 01:29:06,660
- Which is why I bought the house
- across the street.
- 2078
- 01:29:06,670 --> 01:29:09,730
- No, I'm kidding. I didn't buy
- the house across the street.
- 2079
- 01:29:09,740 --> 01:29:10,900
- I bought the house
- down the street.
- 2080
- 01:29:10,900 --> 01:29:12,240
- - What?
- - No.
- 2081
- 01:29:12,240 --> 01:29:13,470
- I'm gonna move into your attic.
- 2082
- 01:29:13,470 --> 01:29:15,940
- - Mom! Seriously.
- - Kiki, what?
- 2083
- 01:29:15,940 --> 01:29:17,740
- Where are you living?
- 2084
- 01:29:17,740 --> 01:29:21,480
- I'm gonna go back to Bismarck
- where I belong.
- 2085
- 01:29:21,480 --> 01:29:23,520
- - Thank you.
- - You're welcome.
- 2086
- 01:29:23,520 --> 01:29:25,020
- I just...
- 2087
- 01:29:26,820 --> 01:29:29,360
- I really miss your dad
- on Christmas.
- 2088
- 01:29:30,790 --> 01:29:32,260
- I do too.
- 2089
- 01:29:32,260 --> 01:29:33,260
- Yeah.
- 2090
- 01:29:35,200 --> 01:29:36,530
- I do too.
- 2091
- 01:29:37,500 --> 01:29:40,000
- Merry Christmas.
- 2092
- 01:29:40,000 --> 01:29:41,370
- Merry Christmas, mom.
- 2093
- 01:29:46,510 --> 01:29:48,310
- (SLURPING)
- 2094
- 01:29:52,450 --> 01:29:54,610
- Hey, mom,
- look what Santa got me.
- 2095
- 01:29:54,610 --> 01:29:56,380
- A used baseball glove.
- 2096
- 01:29:56,380 --> 01:29:57,850
- Oh, that's great, buddy.
- 2097
- 01:29:57,850 --> 01:29:59,620
- I used to have one just like it.
- 2098
- 01:29:59,620 --> 01:30:00,960
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- 2099
- 01:30:02,790 --> 01:30:04,130
- Is that Santa?
- 2100
- 01:30:05,330 --> 01:30:06,730
- Why would it be Santa, honey?
- 2101
- 01:30:06,730 --> 01:30:08,660
- Remember, Santa came last night.
- 2102
- 01:30:13,700 --> 01:30:15,640
- Can I come in?
- 2103
- 01:30:24,750 --> 01:30:25,750
- Hm.
- 2104
- 01:30:26,980 --> 01:30:31,020
- Um, alright, I know I haven't
- 2105
- 01:30:31,020 --> 01:30:33,350
- been the best mother
- in the world.
- 2106
- 01:30:35,320 --> 01:30:42,190
- But you... somehow just
- turned out really good.
- 2107
- 01:30:42,200 --> 01:30:45,730
- Um, and, Carla, I just...
- 2108
- 01:30:47,500 --> 01:30:49,400
- I wanna be more like you.
- 2109
- 01:30:51,100 --> 01:30:55,410
- So, I've given up gambling...
- 2110
- 01:30:55,410 --> 01:30:58,080
- - Mom.
- - On horses.
- 2111
- 01:30:58,080 --> 01:31:04,950
- And I'm gonna pay you back every
- cent that I borrowed from you.
- 2112
- 01:31:09,920 --> 01:31:11,590
- - Really?
- - Yeah.
- 2113
- 01:31:11,590 --> 01:31:13,930
- You know, I got a fucking job.
- 2114
- 01:31:15,560 --> 01:31:17,460
- - Are you fucking kidding me?
- - No!
- 2115
- 01:31:17,460 --> 01:31:21,930
- They hired me to be in charge
- of children's safety.
- 2116
- 01:31:21,930 --> 01:31:25,900
- Why would
- they let you do that?
- 2117
- 01:31:25,910 --> 01:31:27,940
- I don't even know
- how I passed the drug test.
- 2118
- 01:31:27,940 --> 01:31:30,710
- - Seriously?
- - They're crazy.
- 2119
- 01:31:30,710 --> 01:31:33,140
- And with what they're paying me,
- I think I can pay you back
- 2120
- 01:31:33,150 --> 01:31:36,250
- in about 245 years.
- 2121
- 01:31:36,250 --> 01:31:40,650
- Wait, does this mean
- you're gonna... stick around
- 2122
- 01:31:40,650 --> 01:31:42,060
- for a while?
- 2123
- 01:31:43,920 --> 01:31:46,460
- If it's cool with you, yeah.
- 2124
- 01:31:48,130 --> 01:31:49,130
- Mom.
- 2125
- 01:31:50,800 --> 01:31:52,830
- It's all I've ever wanted.
- 2126
- 01:31:52,830 --> 01:31:55,600
- Well, I'll stay
- as long as you want me to.
- 2127
- 01:31:57,440 --> 01:31:58,440
- Mom.
- 2128
- 01:32:01,270 --> 01:32:05,010
- Mom, also I got
- a box of Ziploc bags.
- 2129
- 01:32:05,010 --> 01:32:07,240
- Oh, sweet Jesus.
- 2130
- 01:32:07,250 --> 01:32:08,650
- (JACOB LATRELL SINGING
- "WHAT CHRISTMAS MEANS TO ME")
- 2131
- 01:32:08,650 --> 01:32:10,280
- ♪ Oh yeah ♪
- 2132
- 01:32:10,280 --> 01:32:13,120
- ♪ Candles burnin' low ♪
- 2133
- 01:32:13,120 --> 01:32:16,090
- ♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪
- 2134
- 01:32:16,090 --> 01:32:18,920
- ♪ Lots of snow and ice ♪
- 2135
- 01:32:18,920 --> 01:32:21,990
- ♪ Everywhere we go ♪
- 2136
- 01:32:22,000 --> 01:32:24,030
- ♪ Choir singing carols ♪
- 2137
- 01:32:24,030 --> 01:32:27,530
- - Shaobing for everybody.
- - Bing with everybody but me.
- 2138
- 01:32:27,530 --> 01:32:30,770
- ♪ All these things and more ♪
- 2139
- 01:32:30,770 --> 01:32:33,300
- God, Chinese food on Christmas.
- 2140
- 01:32:33,310 --> 01:32:35,170
- I feel like such a Jew.
- 2141
- 01:32:35,170 --> 01:32:37,040
- Would you like some shaobing?
- 2142
- 01:32:37,040 --> 01:32:38,840
- Oh, you know I would.
- 2143
- 01:32:38,840 --> 01:32:41,010
- No, honey,
- that is Ruth's husband.
- 2144
- 01:32:41,010 --> 01:32:42,650
- Oh, honestly, have at it.
- 2145
- 01:32:42,650 --> 01:32:44,480
- Hank deserves a little fun
- at Christmas.
- 2146
- 01:32:44,480 --> 01:32:47,320
- Oh.
- 2147
- 01:32:47,320 --> 01:32:49,390
- RUTH:
- I love this.
- 2148
- 01:32:49,390 --> 01:32:51,490
- Guys, I can't believe
- that we're eating Chinese food
- 2149
- 01:32:51,490 --> 01:32:55,330
- for Christmas dinner
- and my mother is loving it.
- 2150
- 01:32:55,330 --> 01:32:56,900
- I can't believe my mom's not
- wearing a sweatshirt.
- 2151
- 01:32:56,900 --> 01:33:00,200
- - With my face on it.
- - Guys, we did it.
- 2152
- 01:33:00,200 --> 01:33:03,640
- We actually took
- Christmas back this year.
- 2153
- 01:33:03,640 --> 01:33:05,170
- You know what? I couldn't
- have done it without you girls.
- 2154
- 01:33:05,170 --> 01:33:07,200
- - Oh!
- - Ladies, I love you.
- 2155
- 01:33:07,210 --> 01:33:09,240
- - We love you back.
- - Same here.
- 2156
- 01:33:09,240 --> 01:33:10,910
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- 2157
- 01:33:10,910 --> 01:33:13,310
- Hi, is, um...
- 2158
- 01:33:13,310 --> 01:33:15,220
- - Is Carla here?
- - Yes!
- 2159
- 01:33:18,150 --> 01:33:20,180
- Ty Swindle.
- 2160
- 01:33:20,190 --> 01:33:22,850
- How did you find me?
- 2161
- 01:33:22,860 --> 01:33:27,160
- - I just looked for you.
- - Hi.
- 2162
- 01:33:27,160 --> 01:33:29,930
- Well, there are so many things
- I wanna say to you right now.
- 2163
- 01:33:29,930 --> 01:33:32,160
- Just say it.
- 2164
- 01:33:32,170 --> 01:33:33,730
- I feel like it's better
- if I, I do it through
- 2165
- 01:33:33,730 --> 01:33:35,830
- the universal language
- of dance.
- 2166
- 01:33:35,840 --> 01:33:37,830
- - Shut up.
- - Yes!
- 2167
- 01:33:37,840 --> 01:33:40,170
- - What dancing?
- - Christmas dancing.
- 2168
- 01:33:42,010 --> 01:33:43,910
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 2169
- 01:33:49,450 --> 01:33:50,550
- Oh, Ty!
- 2170
- 01:33:50,550 --> 01:33:51,780
- ♪ Well I'm feeling ♪
- 2171
- 01:33:51,790 --> 01:33:53,750
- ♪ Mighty fine y'all ♪
- 2172
- 01:33:53,750 --> 01:33:57,290
- ♪ Got my music on the radio ♪
- 2173
- 01:33:57,290 --> 01:33:59,790
- - Oh, boy.
- - Oh, my God.
- 2174
- 01:33:59,790 --> 01:34:03,290
- ♪ Well I'm feeling
- mighty nice Lord ♪
- 2175
- 01:34:03,300 --> 01:34:08,030
- ♪ Got my music on the radio ♪
- 2176
- 01:34:08,030 --> 01:34:09,630
- That's beautiful, Ty.
- 2177
- 01:34:09,640 --> 01:34:12,940
- ♪ Feel like I wanna
- kiss you baby ♪
- 2178
- 01:34:12,940 --> 01:34:17,610
- ♪ Standin' underneath
- that mistletoe ♪
- 2179
- 01:34:17,610 --> 01:34:19,910
- Oh, my fucking God.
- 2180
- 01:34:19,910 --> 01:34:22,050
- Turn her around.
- Turn her around.
- 2181
- 01:34:22,050 --> 01:34:24,050
- It's okay,
- just turn her around.
- 2182
- 01:34:24,050 --> 01:34:27,890
- ♪ Maybe left all them good
- presents for my baby ♪
- 2183
- 01:34:27,890 --> 01:34:31,660
- ♪ I said Merry Christmas baby ♪
- 2184
- 01:34:31,660 --> 01:34:34,630
- ♪ Surely you treat me nice ♪
- 2185
- 01:34:34,630 --> 01:34:36,990
- ♪ You surely treat me nice ♪
- 2186
- 01:34:37,000 --> 01:34:40,100
- Okay, alright,
- that's great.
- 2187
- 01:34:40,100 --> 01:34:42,500
- Okay, we're done.
- That was amazing.
- 2188
- 01:34:42,500 --> 01:34:44,240
- Thank you so much.
- 2189
- 01:34:44,240 --> 01:34:45,640
- Just go for it, dude.
- 2190
- 01:34:45,640 --> 01:34:48,140
- Oh, baby, don't cry.
- 2191
- 01:34:48,140 --> 01:34:51,340
- Phew! He's so hot.
- 2192
- 01:34:51,340 --> 01:34:53,580
- - That's my son.
- - Yeah?
- 2193
- 01:34:53,580 --> 01:34:54,980
- - Hey, man.
- - Right there.
- 2194
- 01:34:54,980 --> 01:34:57,080
- - That's Jaxon.
- - Hey, there. How are you?
- 2195
- 01:34:57,080 --> 01:34:59,350
- - Nice to meet you.
- - Mm-hmm.
- 2196
- 01:34:59,350 --> 01:35:00,850
- - I'll take you right in there.
- - I love you.
- 2197
- 01:35:00,850 --> 01:35:02,320
- I love you.
- 2198
- 01:35:02,320 --> 01:35:04,090
- - Phew!
- - Whoo!
- 2199
- 01:35:04,090 --> 01:35:07,530
- Oh, we better get going
- or we're gonna miss our flight.
- 2200
- 01:35:07,530 --> 01:35:10,190
- - What flight?
- - Oh, I didn't tell you?
- 2201
- 01:35:10,200 --> 01:35:13,460
- Isis, Ruth and I are going
- to Las Vegas for New Year's.
- 2202
- 01:35:13,470 --> 01:35:16,670
- And we're gonna see
- Wayne Newton before he dies.
- 2203
- 01:35:16,670 --> 01:35:18,170
- Whoo!
- 2204
- 01:35:18,170 --> 01:35:20,500
- The three of you are going
- to Vegas together?
- 2205
- 01:35:20,510 --> 01:35:23,440
- Yeah, well,
- we're best friends now.
- 2206
- 01:35:23,440 --> 01:35:25,340
- Well, we're, we're new friends.
- 2207
- 01:35:25,340 --> 01:35:27,150
- We're best friends.
- 2208
- 01:35:27,150 --> 01:35:30,180
- Yeah, we're new friends.
- 2209
- 01:35:30,180 --> 01:35:33,280
- Anyways,
- Merry Christmas, everyone.
- 2210
- 01:35:33,290 --> 01:35:35,990
- - Merry Christmas.
- - Merry Christmas, everyone.
- 2211
- 01:35:35,990 --> 01:35:38,660
- Hank, get all our bags.
- 2212
- 01:35:38,660 --> 01:35:40,890
- - ♪ I do what I want ♪
- - ♪ She does ♪
- 2213
- 01:35:40,890 --> 01:35:42,790
- ♪ Say what you say ♪
- 2214
- 01:35:42,800 --> 01:35:45,060
- ♪ I work real hard everyday ♪
- 2215
- 01:35:45,060 --> 01:35:47,460
- ♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪
- 2216
- 01:35:47,470 --> 01:35:49,700
- ♪ Baby alright ♪
- 2217
- 01:35:49,700 --> 01:35:51,300
- ♪ I don't need a man ♪
- 2218
- 01:35:51,300 --> 01:35:53,500
- ♪ To be holding me too tight ♪
- 2219
- 01:35:53,510 --> 01:35:55,840
- ♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪
- 2220
- 01:35:55,840 --> 01:35:58,180
- ♪ Baby that's right ♪
- 2221
- 01:35:58,180 --> 01:36:01,810
- ♪ I'm just having fun with
- my ladies here tonight ♪
- 2222
- 01:36:01,810 --> 01:36:04,150
- ♪ I'm a motherfucker ♪
- 2223
- 01:36:04,150 --> 01:36:06,050
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 2224
- 01:36:11,860 --> 01:36:14,090
- Merry Christmas, everyone!
- 2225
- 01:36:14,100 --> 01:36:17,860
- Subtitle By: explosiveskull & Re-Sync By: bozxphd
- & Improved By: Fidel33
- Sub Upload Date: July 16, 2018
- 2226
- 01:36:17,860 --> 01:36:18,900
- (CHARLES JONES SINGING
- "BE YOUR SANTA CLAUS")
- 2227
- 01:36:18,900 --> 01:36:21,670
- ♪ Ho ho ho girl ♪
- 2228
- 01:36:21,670 --> 01:36:23,830
- ♪ You're on my naughty list ♪
- 2229
- 01:36:23,840 --> 01:36:24,840
- ♪ Tonight ♪
- 2230
- 01:36:27,540 --> 01:36:31,540
- ♪ Ho whoa-oh ♪
- 2231
- 01:36:31,540 --> 01:36:34,350
- ♪ Yeah yeah ♪
- 2232
- 01:36:34,350 --> 01:36:37,250
- ♪ Oh whoa-oh ♪
- 2233
- 01:36:37,250 --> 01:36:38,780
- ♪ You know
- I got to tell you girl ♪
- 2234
- 01:36:38,790 --> 01:36:40,180
- ♪ You're something special ♪
- 2235
- 01:36:40,190 --> 01:36:41,750
- ♪ The way I feel babe ♪
- 2236
- 01:36:41,760 --> 01:36:43,090
- ♪ Gotta have you ♪
- 2237
- 01:36:43,090 --> 01:36:44,890
- ♪ Right here with me ♪
- 2238
- 01:36:44,890 --> 01:36:46,890
- ♪ I will never let you go ♪
- 2239
- 01:36:46,890 --> 01:36:48,560
- ♪ Hey ♪
- 2240
- 01:36:48,560 --> 01:36:49,960
- ♪ You stuck with me
- through the times ♪
- 2241
- 01:36:49,960 --> 01:36:51,400
- ♪ I didn't have it ♪
- 2242
- 01:36:51,400 --> 01:36:52,700
- ♪ Now we got something good ♪
- 2243
- 01:36:52,700 --> 01:36:54,360
- ♪ You can have the plastic ♪
- 2244
- 01:36:54,370 --> 01:36:56,700
- ♪ And anything you want
- you can have it ♪
- 2245
- 01:36:56,700 --> 01:36:59,400
- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2246
- 01:36:59,410 --> 01:37:02,210
- ♪ You're always
- working hard girl ♪
- 2247
- 01:37:02,210 --> 01:37:04,540
- ♪ Tonight
- we're taking off girl ♪
- 2248
- 01:37:04,540 --> 01:37:07,240
- - ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- - ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2249
- 01:37:07,250 --> 01:37:10,050
- - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2250
- 01:37:10,050 --> 01:37:15,550
- ♪ I wanna be the first gift
- you open tonight ♪
- 2251
- 01:37:15,550 --> 01:37:18,560
- - ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- - ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2252
- 01:37:18,560 --> 01:37:21,260
- - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2253
- 01:37:21,260 --> 01:37:25,000
- ♪ I wanna be the reason
- that you come home tonight ♪
- 2254
- 01:37:25,000 --> 01:37:28,070
- ♪ Feel so good tonight baby ♪
- 2255
- 01:37:28,070 --> 01:37:30,900
- ♪ Baby take your time with me ♪
- 2256
- 01:37:30,900 --> 01:37:34,670
- ♪ I'm your gift
- unwrap me slowly ♪
- 2257
- 01:37:34,670 --> 01:37:36,470
- ♪ The fireplace is burnin'
- perfect time to... ♪
- 2258
- 01:37:36,480 --> 01:37:40,180
- ♪ Girl I got something
- special for you ♪
- 2259
- 01:37:40,180 --> 01:37:42,750
- ♪ Girl I gotta be ♪
- 2260
- 01:37:42,750 --> 01:37:45,180
- ♪ Oh ♪
- 2261
- 01:37:45,180 --> 01:37:47,190
- ♪ I don't wanna spend
- this Christmas ♪
- 2262
- 01:37:47,190 --> 01:37:49,650
- ♪ Without you letting
- me feel ♪
- 2263
- 01:37:49,660 --> 01:37:51,320
- ♪ Hey ♪
- 2264
- 01:37:51,320 --> 01:37:52,760
- ♪ Your Santa baby ♪
- 2265
- 01:37:52,760 --> 01:37:56,690
- ♪ Santa baby ♪
- 2266
- 01:37:56,700 --> 01:37:58,960
- ♪ Tonight tonight ♪
- 2267
- 01:37:58,960 --> 01:38:02,100
- - ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- - ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2268
- 01:38:02,100 --> 01:38:04,840
- - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2269
- 01:38:04,840 --> 01:38:08,270
- ♪ I wanna be the reason
- that you come home tonight ♪
- 2270
- 01:38:08,270 --> 01:38:10,370
- ♪ Come home tonight ♪
- 2271
- 01:38:10,380 --> 01:38:13,140
- - ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- - ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2272
- 01:38:13,150 --> 01:38:15,980
- - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2273
- 01:38:15,980 --> 01:38:21,550
- ♪ I wanna be the first gift
- you open tonight ♪
- 2274
- 01:38:21,550 --> 01:38:23,450
- - ♪ I wanna be ♪
- - ♪ I wanna be ♪
- 2275
- 01:38:23,460 --> 01:38:25,490
- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2276
- 01:38:25,490 --> 01:38:28,120
- ♪ Gotta gotta be gotta gotta be
- your Santa Claus ♪
- 2277
- 01:38:28,130 --> 01:38:30,830
- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- 2278
- 01:38:30,830 --> 01:38:34,800
- ♪ Tonight ♪
- 2279
- 01:38:34,800 --> 01:38:37,170
- ♪ Merry Christmas baby ♪
- 2280
- 01:38:37,170 --> 01:38:40,470
- ♪ I do my hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2281
- 01:38:40,470 --> 01:38:43,070
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin' ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2282
- 01:38:43,080 --> 01:38:45,410
- ♪ Hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2283
- 01:38:45,410 --> 01:38:48,550
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2284
- 01:38:48,550 --> 01:38:50,580
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2285
- 01:38:50,580 --> 01:38:53,080
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2286
- 01:38:53,090 --> 01:38:55,320
- ♪ Whoo girl need to kick off
- your shoes ♪
- 2287
- 01:38:55,320 --> 01:38:57,720
- ♪ Got to take a deep breath
- time to focus on you ♪
- 2288
- 01:38:57,720 --> 01:39:00,060
- ♪ All the big fights long
- nights that you been through ♪
- 2289
- 01:39:00,060 --> 01:39:03,160
- ♪ I got a bottle of tequila
- I been saving for you ♪
- 2290
- 01:39:03,160 --> 01:39:05,000
- ♪ Boss up and change
- your life ♪
- 2291
- 01:39:05,000 --> 01:39:07,430
- ♪ You can have it all
- no sacrifice ♪
- 2292
- 01:39:07,430 --> 01:39:09,600
- ♪ I know he did you wrong
- we can make it right ♪
- 2293
- 01:39:09,600 --> 01:39:12,870
- ♪ So go and let it
- all hang out tonight ♪
- 2294
- 01:39:12,870 --> 01:39:17,610
- ♪ 'Cause he don't
- love you anymore ♪
- 2295
- 01:39:17,610 --> 01:39:22,210
- ♪ So walk your fine ass
- out the door ♪
- 2296
- 01:39:22,210 --> 01:39:25,420
- ♪ And do your hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2297
- 01:39:25,420 --> 01:39:28,120
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2298
- 01:39:28,120 --> 01:39:30,520
- ♪ Hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2299
- 01:39:30,520 --> 01:39:33,190
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2300
- 01:39:33,190 --> 01:39:35,530
- ♪ Hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2301
- 01:39:35,530 --> 01:39:37,900
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2302
- 01:39:37,900 --> 01:39:40,630
- ♪ Hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2303
- 01:39:40,630 --> 01:39:43,700
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2304
- 01:39:45,370 --> 01:39:46,700
- ♪ Ooh ♪
- 2305
- 01:39:46,710 --> 01:39:48,810
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- 2306
- 01:39:48,810 --> 01:39:51,280
- ♪ Alright ♪
- 2307
- 01:39:51,280 --> 01:39:52,810
- ♪ Listen ♪
- 2308
- 01:39:52,810 --> 01:39:57,710
- ♪ If he don't
- love you anymore ♪
- 2309
- 01:39:57,720 --> 01:40:02,460
- ♪ Then walk your fine ass
- out the door ♪
- 2310
- 01:40:04,620 --> 01:40:08,120
- ♪ And do your hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2311
- 01:40:08,130 --> 01:40:10,490
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2312
- 01:40:10,500 --> 01:40:13,060
- ♪ Hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2313
- 01:40:13,070 --> 01:40:15,600
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2314
- 01:40:15,600 --> 01:40:18,140
- ♪ Hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2315
- 01:40:18,140 --> 01:40:20,470
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2316
- 01:40:20,470 --> 01:40:22,940
- ♪ Hair toss
- check my nails ♪
- 2317
- 01:40:22,940 --> 01:40:26,410
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2318
- 01:40:26,410 --> 01:40:29,110
- - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- 2319
- 01:40:29,120 --> 01:40:31,920
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- 2320
- 01:40:31,920 --> 01:40:33,820
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 2321
- 01:41:01,950 --> 01:41:03,850
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 2322
- 01:41:31,980 --> 01:41:33,880
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 2323
- 01:41:47,360 --> 01:41:49,400
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 2324
- 01:42:02,010 --> 01:42:03,910
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 2325
- 01:42:32,040 --> 01:42:33,940
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 2326
- 01:43:02,070 --> 01:43:03,970
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 2327
- 01:43:12,580 --> 01:43:14,310
- (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
- 2328
- 01:43:32,100 --> 01:43:34,000
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- 2329
- 01:44:02,130 --> 01:44:04,030
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
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