we were not meant for vallaki

PARTY:
Arkan - Shadow Sorcerer, human (me)
Belial - Awakened Mystic, tiefling (raphael/raphie)
River - Tempest Cleric, water genasi (niall)
Lilly - Lore Bard, kitsune (uses human!variant traits) (doggo)
Seir - Battle Master Fighter, high elf (seir)

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We left off at the Vistani Camp at the Tser Pools.

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- We wake up and get direction to Krezk.
- We head off. After we cross the bridge, we come across two odd-looking Vistani. Arkan has 0 trust after the werewolves and goes straight to intimidation when they won't leave the group alone. It worked.
- We start to head off. They use Vicious Mockery on Arkan but he passes his save. Lilly is shocked someone else knows the power of murdering through insulting.
- We come to a set of gates with two headless guard statues. The heads are at the bottom. Arkan touches one and nothing happens. Lilly hopes they have a good day.
- Seir tries to push open the door and fails. Belial gets two 0s for his Strength roll and it was funny. Arkan walks up and shows off by fuckin shoving the gates open with a 16.
- We come to a small valley and see a torn apart windmill in the middle of it. It reminds us of the one in the death house. Arkan hears singing so he walks up to it. A raven is outside and it squawks at us, seeming to encourage us to flee. Lilly shares this with the group, but Arkan does not care.
- Ground floor is a filthy, abandoned kitchen. Bones are under our feet. We smell something gross from a barrel and see green-black sludge. Inside the oven, Lilly sees the pies from Barovia.
- Arkan puts a stick in the sludge and it gets sucked inside.
- Three bottles: Gold syrup "Youth", Red thin liquid "Laughter", Greenish-milky liquid "Mother's Milk"
- Old woman comes down the stairs. It's the pie lady. Arkan taps her barrel and agitates her. She yells, "Daughters, we have unwelcome visitors." She taps on the barrel herself.

- The daughters come downstairs.
- Arkan uses Mage Armor on himself.
- River asks to buy a pie to make peace, to which Pie Lady says he'll need to buy more than one. He Tolls the Dead on daughter 1.
- Seir does nothing.
- Lilly inspires Arkan.
- Pie Lady-- ok fucking christ her name is Morgana and I'm using that --uses a spell on River. He makes the save but takes a bit of damage.
- A creature comes out of the barrel. It's covered in sludge. It's a demon of some kind, Arkan deduces.
- Belial uses Ego Whip on it and does good damage, and makes it only able to Dodge, Disengage, or Hide.
- The daughters say, "Mother, your visitors are very rude." D1 uses a spell on River, who, despite having disadvantage because Niall wordlessly went AFK, saved. D2 also casts a (different) spell, to which River crit fails. He gets paralysed.
- Arkan stabs it with a Shadow Blade and it goes down. He stares at Morgana like "Wrow"
- River fails whatever save he's gotta do.
- Seir sighs and goes in. He attempts to rapier stab and fails.
- Lilly inspires Arkan again and gives him the deed to the windmill.
- Morgana uses Vicious Mockery on Seir, saying, "You call that a deer?" Seir saves, and replies, "Fuck you!"
- Belial tries something cool and fails.
- Arkan is turned into a pig. The other paralyses Seir. They both run.
- River shakes off paralysis.
- Lilly goes after the Polymorpher and uses Dissonant Whispers. It fails that, but passes the concentration save.
- Morgana goes, "I'll get you kids, and your pig, too!" She fades out of visibility. Belial recognises it as her going to the etheral plane.
- Belial uses Ego Whip on one of 'em. It doesn't do much.
- The two run. Lilly stabs one.
- Pig!Arkan goes outside. He doesn't know what he's doing. He's a pig.
- River uses Lesser Restoration on Seir.
- Seir comes out and picks up Arkan and calls him friend. Arkan oinks in response.
- Lilly moves forward and uses her crossbow on one of 'em. She misses.

- Lilly goes back in to ransack.
- Ireena gets mad we attacked Morgana and cooes over Pig!Arkan, unknowing that it's Arkan.
- Lilly pulls the pies out of the oven. Arkan wanders over and tries to eat one since his intelligence is a solid 2 now. Lilly stops him and he makes a cute face. Lilly looks pleading to the party.
- River purifies a pie and gives it to Arkan. It paralyses him and makes him high as shit. Lilly gets distressed she gave a pig weed. She takes him upstairs.
- Second floor: 8ft high chamber. Some part of the windmill mechanism in there. Grinding shaft or something? Whatever was being grinded was definitely not flour. Belial and Lilly think it's bone, but are not sure.
- Third floor: Bedroom of the sorts. In the middle where the windmill shaft is, there's an odd mechanism. Grinding mill is turned by hand. Wooden trap door. Lots of clothes. Some crates. Whining comes from them. Inside is a small boy. In the next one is a small girl who's even younger.
- Ireena knows them. They're children of Barovia. She thinks they were kidnapped as payment for people who have no money to pay debt but are addicted to the pies.
- Lilly goes through the trap door. Small and boring room.
- They leave and see Vallaki in the distance. Ireena suggests they cut through the forest if they want to reach Vallaki before nightfall.
- Arkan turns normal. Seir straight up drops Arkan. Lilly fails to catch him. Belial dives under and catches him. Power of gay. Arkan gropes Belial's face as they walk, thinking it's butterflies.
- They go through the forest and go to Vallaki off in the distance.
- Two guards refuse to let them in because it's too close to dark. Belial tries to charm them and fails. They're very concerned by Arkan's high ass state.
- Seir: "Please-let-us-in." Nat 20.
- Old man hobbles out and tells the guards to let us in. We are. River swears he recognises the captain/old man...
- We enter! It looks like they recently had some sort of festival.
- They go to an inn with a waterfall on its sign.

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- Erwin Mardakoff, owner of Blue Water Inn
- We bust in and everyone just... stares at us.
- Lilly arranges for us to get rooms for the night. Seir, Ireena, and the two kids in on. Belial and Arkan in one. Lilly and River in one.
- Some dude standing on a chair telling a story of an adventure. Trying to get away from some jungle people who were chasing him through said jungle. Possibly an entertainer.
- River tries to get crunk but there's a limit of 3 since the inn has to ration it out. They're having a shortage. They haven't been getting their shipments.
- QUEST GAINED: We need to go west, to the winery, and investigate why the wine has stopped coming.
- Chair dude is Rictavio. He was traveling and somehow ended up in Barovia. He's been here for about a month. Also the inn doesn't allow pet monkeys, which he has (Piccolo). Monkey is a Blinksy's.
- Rictavio suggests we take the kids to the church. He doesn't know much about churches, but the place seems safe enough.
- There are nonstop festivals, one every week. Wolf's Head Jamboree. Burgomaster offered a bounty for any wolves killed. Burgomaster thinks raising the spirits is the only way to ward off doom and gloom of Barovia.
- You can't talk shit about the festivals or you're get arrested, burgomaster believes anyone who does is an agent of Strahd.
- Don't talk bad about Izek, head of the guards. He's a big bully and very violent.
- Arkan's high as shit wears off and Belial explains what he missed.
- Rictavio leaves to Blinksy's.
- We have breakfast and head to the church, to drop off the kids. Outside, an emo dude is leaning on a shovel. His name is Milivoj but we don't know that anyway he's a prick.
- The church is in a way better shape than Barovia's. Serves Lathandar. Father Lucian Petrovich. Altar boy named Yesika. Lucian agrees to take in the children and we reveal the truth of the dream pies.
- Lucian recognises River as a cleric and thankfully does not know who Umberlee is. Anyway, the bones of Saint Andrel, which protected the church from Strahd, have gone missing. He's worried Yesika, the only other person who knows about the bones, told someone who stole them.
- QUEST GAINED: Retrieve bones.
- Arkan, Belial, and Lilly walk up to Yesika. Lilly persuades him into revealing that is was Milivoj.
- Arkan interrogates Milivoj and learns he stole the bones and sold them to the coffinmaker. Milivoj was being a sassy asshole though so Arkan used Chill Touch and moved him to one (1) HP.
- We head to the coffinmaker's. We also see Rictavio's caravan.
- Coffinmaker doesn't want to let us in. Arkan tries to kick the door in and fails. Seir kicks the door in and succeeds the fuck.
- Lilly uses Suggestion to get the coffinmaker to retrieve the bones. He fails the save and leads us upstairs, to his bedroom. He gives us a bag of bones.
- Apparently his patron, a nobleman named Vasili von Holtz, asked for them. Was promised good business and favours. All coffinmaker has to do is store boxes and sometimes steal bones.
- Holtz: Large, striking, well-dressed.
- Arkan enters the storage and opens a storage and activates some undead.

- Belial yells at River to get the hell in here, we've got undead.
- Lilly uses Faerie Fire and gets two of 'em.
- Arkan uses a quickened Mage Armor and tries a Green-Flame Blade, but misses.
- River dashes in and determines they're lil baby vampires.
- Seir moves forth and chucks a handaxe.
- One tries to grapple Arkan but he puts on a Shield. Fuck THAT. Another tries and fails. One moves up to Belial and somehow fails to hit his 13 AC. Another manages to grapple Seir but somehow misses its bite attack. A third tries to grapple Arkan and misses not once, but twice.
- Belial summons up a couple shadows.
- Lilly makes fun of the one grappling Seir for missing the bite, with VM. It fuckin' fails and is offended.
- Arkan hits one in the face with a Shocking Grasp, moves away, takes two hard opportunity attacks, and summons a Shadow Blade.
- River Turns Undead finally and frightens all but two.
- The shadows attack the unfrightened two. But they're dealing necrotic damage, so it really negates the whole usefulness.
- Seir misses an attack on the grappling one.
- Three vampires ollie out the window. Arkan stabs one and prevents it from fleeing. Another tries to claw Seir and fucking misses, so Seir stabs it really hard. The last one tries to claw Belial and misses.
- Belial convinces one that "It is useless to fight us-- give up."
- Lilly VMs the grappler, saying, "Keep trying! Maybe you'll hit it this time!" It crit passes.
- Arkan fucking CRITS the glowing bitch next to him and deals 29 damage. It's somehow still up.
- River screams radiance again. One passes, one fails.
- The shadows strike the vampires and sap more strength. These poor poor bastards.
- Seir misses a rapier swing. He action surges. He crit misses.
- One vampire slashes at a shadow. The grappler fails to bite.
- Lilly viciously mocks the grappler. "You really suck."
- Arkan brutalises one but it is not dead yet.
- River learns that they're regenerating a bit. He screams radiance. They are unaffected.
- The shadows continue to slash at the vampires.
- Seir misses yet another attack.
- One crits Arkan and takes a heavy hit. Another claws Seir. Another tries to run away and gets wrecked by opportunity attacks, but it isn't dead.
- Belial does one (1) spear damage.
- Lilly VM'd the one near Arkan. "You're not even gonna get blood out of him, you idiot!"
- Doesn't matter, because Arkan Shadow Blade's it to death.
- River @ the remaining vampire: BEGONE THOT. It saves. He heals Arkan too.
- The shadows maul the vampire (who we lovingly named bacon).
- Seir wrangles out of the vampire's grasp.
- Vampire deals a solid 10 damage with its claws. And crits again for 12.
- Belial now does three (3!!!) spear damage.
- Lilly: "You shouldn't have skipped arm day! I could lift more than you by now!" And it flinches. (Vicious Mockery)
- Arkan blazes it it Scorching Ray.
- River just... can't seem to scream radiance well enough.
- The shadows sap more strength.
- Seir crit misses YET. AGAIN. Heals up a bit with Second Wind. Also the DM realises he forgot to add a negative strength mod and also gives Seir back 10 health.
- The vampire claws weakly and misses. Seir tries a Riposte and misses.
- Belial hilariously misses with his spear.
- Lilly feels pity and inspires Seir. She also makes fun of the vampire with VM and it fails.
- Arkan hurls holy water at the vampire and hits the shit out of it.
- Seir puts away his rapier and shanks the FUCK out of it with his longsword.
- The vampire growls, "Blegdhgfhdgh Strahd's will is unbreakable!" Seir laughs. It lands a hit... but it's so weak that it does no damage.
- Belial cannot spear.
- Lilly points at it and starts losing her shit. That's her mockery. It didn't fuckin' save.
- Arkan stabs it through the face and makes it go down.

- Holtz gets mad at us for wrassling in his storage. Lilly looks at him and says, "Fuck you for keeping vampires." He gets scared and runs.
- Arkan sits down and breathes, "What the fuck." Everyone starts yelling at him for opening a crate. He defends himself, saying he didn't have a reason to think there were vampires in there.
- We head out to see the coffinmaker being arrested. The head of the guards, Izek, appears and demands, "What is going on here?!" Ireena, thankfully, is inside.

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- Arkan throws coffinmaker under the bus and says that he's an agent of Strahd. We convince Izek of it while Lilly invisible's Ireena.
- We get let off with a warning. Also we're being told on to the burgomaster.
- We book it back to the church and return the bones. The priest kicks us out so he can hide them in a new place.
- We decide to visit the toy shop. Is no fun, is no Blinksy. Blinksy has a monkey on his shoulder than instantly takes to Lilly.
- Arkan stares at the toys and determines they're creepy. He sees one that looks familiar. Blinksy tries to hide it, but Arkan persuades him into showing it. It kind of looks like Ireena. Blinksy refuses to tell us who made it.
- Ireena sees the doll and gets weirded out. Wants to be let go to grab the doll.
- Lilly plays distraction and talks about Rictavio and the monkey, Piccolo. Arkan starts asking the prices of everything.
- Lilly manages to bribe Blinksy into sharing that the orderer is a creepy man with a weird arm and always orders dolls but insists they're never right, like he doesn't know what the woman is meant to look like.
- Arkan deduces that it's probably Izek based off the creepy man with weird arm thing. Lilly is like "o shit yeah we should probably back off"
- Lilly offers Piccolo a candle. Arkan gives him Mother's Milk. Blinksy asks what Arkan gave Piccolo, and he can barely get out through laughter that it's a potion called Mother's Milk.
- PICCOLO DRANK IT AND DM HAD TO LOOK UP STATS AND WE'RE ALL CONCERNED.
- Lilly grabs Piccolo and hands him to River. River stabilises him, then uses Lesser Restoration and Cure Wounds.
- We back the fuck out of the store. Ireena's invisibility ends Right before she gets out. Lilly grabs her, invis's her again, and we go to the church. We still can't enter. We go to the inn.
- Belial and River go upstairs to touch the doll.
- Rictavio comes over and asks about the monkey murder. Lilly through sobbing explains. He runs out to go see Piccolo.
- We take a long rest.
- Belial reconvenes and shares basically all we know. That it was made by Izek
- Ireena suggests we leave Vallaki asap since Izek is fucking crazy. Also Arkan at some point shares his suicide Ireena dream.
- We get an invitation to Watcherhaus. We decide to all go, but Disguise Kit up Ireena first. Lilly makes her a furry.
- We go to Watcherhaus. It's really run down and ugly.
- Belial notices a guy in a cloak lurking and watching us approach. Arkan uses Dancing Lights above him. It's the stalker. He screams and runs away.
- Belial: "You know, mimics are just advanced hermit crabs."
- Arkan goes up and knocks and presents the invitation. We're let into the vestibule, and then the dining/living room.
- We meet Lady Watcher. She shares that we have a reputation for harassing people which honestly is fair.
- She is surprised we haven't met the Burgomaster. She also tells us not to trust him, that he's a fool. He thinks the fairs will change Vallaki. That the only way to live is in denial.
- We share we're going to Kresk. She thinks it's a bad place.
- Lady Watcher is not afraid of vampires and does not care about Strahd. She thinks there's no point in fighting the inevitable and fearing the things you can't fix.
- Arkan very bluntly asks if she works for Strahd. She darts around the answer. We continue to pursue until Belial uses his psychic powers to force her to answer truthfully. She says no.
- She says that she wants to know if we'd stop "someone" who tried to overthrow the burgomaster, or help. She meant herself but y'know.
- Lilly and Seir are interested, but Arkan and Belial firmly believe they ought to stay out of whatever politics are on-going.
- Ireena does not directly say what her opinion is besides, "This thing is creepy."
- We leave and debate if we like her. Arkan hears a door open and investigates. It's a cellar door. He hears cloak man say, "Let the dead remain at rest."
- We decide to go in. It's a boring cellar. Arkan says the password to make sure they're safe from any traps.
- We see footprints in two directions. One goes to a rotating the door. The other goes up some stairs. We open the rotating door and find a pentagram with chairs at each point. Four out of the five are filled.

- Seir runs forth and swings one.
- Arkan casts some darkness.
- River gives Belial a shield.
- Belial makes it so he can see and then moves away.
- The cultists stumble around.
- Seir stumbles around until Arkan yoinks him out of the darkness.
- Arkan summons up the ol' Shadow Blade and GFBs one. Fucking slaughtered the one he hit, and the other takes some fire damage.
- River gives everyone AIDs.
- Belial murders one psychically.
- The cultists fumble around. One really fails to hit Arkan hilariously.
- Lady Watcher appears and summons an entire 8 skeletons then goes upstairs, saying, "MAJESTO, TO ME!". An imp appears, says, "Eh, you guys seem capable. Good luck!" Arkan recognises the voice as the one whispering to him.
- Seir takes a swing at a skeleton and misses.
- Arkan slashes the guy in front of him and quickens up some Scorching Rays at the other cultists. He dies. They have a whole 9 hp.
- River does the ol' Turn Dead on the skeletons.
- Belial blows a skeleton mind.
- The failed skeletons flee. The unfailed at act (attack) Seir.
- The remaining cultist tries to find Arkan and trips over a chair.
- Seir slaps a skeleton with the longsword.
- Arkan scoffs at the remaining cultist and moves out to help the skeleton ordeal. Blades one and GFB's the other to death.
- River attempts to scream radiance and fails.
- Belial spears one to death.
- The skeleton tries to attack Arkan and he Shields.
- The cultist just keeps running around.
- Seir tries to swing and misses.
- Arkan moves up the stairs and tries a Chaos Bolt. Misses. Also takes some opportunity damage.
- River screeches again.
- Belial tries to spear a skeleton and fails.
- Skeleton tries to hit River. Fails.
- Cultist attacks Belial as we realise Darkness is concentration.
- Seir one-shots the skeleton and moves to the cultist.
- Arkan misses a Chaos Bolt.
- River heals Arkan even though he didn't need it.
- Belial murders the cultist.
- Skeletons can't do shit.
- Cultist is dead.
- Seir moves around.
- Arkan, frustrated at his missed Chaos Bolts, uses some Scorching Rays. Murders one, blazes the others.
- River screeches radiance and finally gets one!
- Belial tries to spear. Does not.
- One skeleton hits River pretty good, the other one misses.
- Seir misses a skeleton.
- Arkan misses a Chaos Bolt.
- River uses Thunderwave finally! All the PCs save and only take 8 damage. The two damaged one die.
- Belial does the ol' Ego Whip on the remaining one. It dies.

- Arkan hears Lady Watcher claiming there's intruders in her house.
- They run out and Belial blocks the street with darkness so we can run.
- We decide to murder Watcher before she can get the guards.
- I don't know what happened specifically. DM and I got into an argument about Chaos Bolt and I got distracted by writing a tweet.
- Anyway we killed Watcher so she couldn't rat us out.
- We flee and slip through buildings. We got terrible stealth checks, but somehow, the guards did worse.
- River sees Watcher's spy run east.