[F4M] Bad At Poker [humor] [strip poker] [twist ending]

[F4M] Bad At Poker [humor] [mention of strip poker] [twist ending]
“I am bad at poker.  I’m just hoping that if I play my cards right, you can be the Ace in... my hole.”
--
(a bit rambly / meek / flighty / and/or introspective)  I am baaaad at poker.  Like, seriously seriously bad.  Sometimes I think I have a full house when I get 3 black cards and 2 red ones, because I forget you need to have the numbers match, not the colors.  Or sometimes I forget whether the card that has the Q on it is worth more or less than the one that has the J.  I mean, it’s really confusing--there’s a J card, and a K card, and a Q card...  (perplexed)  Who even knows what these letters stand for?

So yeah.  I’m not good at poker.  So why am I just about to start a game of poker right now?  It’s simple.  I wanna get naked for you, so that you’ll notice me.  I want for you to wanna fuck me, but to make it so that you think it was your idea.  Ok, so maybe it’s not simple, but that’s what’s happening.  Ya see, in the past I’ve had other friends I’ve wanted to fuck, but I always came on too strong.  Either I’d just flat-out tell them, or I’d drop some kinda obvious hint.  And often it worked--I did have sex with them.  But then it would always get awkward.  Like, they’d want sex every time, or they’d think that I wanted it so they’d get all self-conscious, or they’d just avoid the subject altogether.  (disappointed)  I’d show up in a tight skirt, and they’d spend the whole day not looking at me.  (resolute)  So this time, there aren’t gonna be any signals.  This is gonna happen organically, or at least on your end it is.  It’s like those pre-ripped jeans:  all the effort goes in beforehand to make them look genuine.

This required meticulous preparation.  First of all, I needed to host a game night, like a real one, with chips and salsa and drinks and friends.  I couldn’t just ask you randomly if you wanna play poker with me, because that’s stupid.  I mean, a two-person poker game, where the one that asks for it doesn’t know how to play, and there’s nudity involved?!  Wayyyy too obvious that that’s a sign.  I therefore estimated that 6 to 8 people would be ideal.

Then I realized that if it was all guys and me, first of all they’d get annoyed with me, since when boys get together to play poker, they actually wanna concentrate on poker.  Like, they get competitive--they’re not gonna wanna have some novice that’s like (meek / dumb voice) “Umm, I have three of the cards that have the little 9’s on them, is that good?  Oh whoops, one of them was a 6, I was holding it the wrong way--Hehh (nervous laugh).”  Also, second, they’re not gonna wanna turn a regular poker game into a strip poker game, and then watch each other take their clothes off, even with me there.  So for this to work, I definitely needed some women.

(rolling eyes)  Which is a whole other set of nightmares, of course.  If they’re too hot, you’re gonna be looking at them instead of me, and if they’re too ugly, the guys aren’t gonna wanna play strip poker with them.  Plus, if they’re too bad at playing, they’ll get naked right when I do, which is unacceptable, and if they’re too good at it, the guys will take it as a challenge to GET them naked, and everyone’ll forget about me.

(contemplative) Given this many variables, I then thought about rigging the hands, like ahead of time.  Everyone but you would’ve been in on it, so it’d be like “Ok, I’ll win the first two hands to draw attention to myself, but then I’ll start losing, (slowly losing confidence in this plan) and people will tell me how graceful I am in defeat, and that they’re, like, sad to see me strip because it’s like they’re….they don’t feel worthy, but they’re enjoying it also because I’m so pretty.  You know, like (trying to sound chic but knowing it’s a poor plan) “Wow, [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE], the way you put that poker chip down in front of you was so ...confident and yet….feminine.”  (unconvinced)  Ehh.

Then I was like “Who am I kidding, this is so stupid on every level.”  Like, how many poker games turn into strip poker anyway?  Doesn’t that just, like, happen in movies and frat parties?  (beginning to be worried)  There are maybe 20 ways this could go wrong, and only maybe one chance of it going right.  What if I decide to orchestrate everything, and then people go off script, and it becomes chaos?  What if I don’t do that, and then I’m like “Hey, guys, I know what’ll be fun.  The next time I lose, I think I should take off some clothing,” and everyone’s like “What the fuck???”  Like, people have to be in the right vibe for something turning sexual, otherwise it’s just weird.  Or what if I deliberately throw away the best hand, but then someone decides to peek at the cards and sees this, and then people start asking why I’m losing on purpose?

(more distraught)  And then there’s the other matter that my friends aren’t gonna be good at scheming with me anyway.  I mean, Erin’s always in for a party, but knowing her, she might, like, put her panties on the table during the first hand, as a joke, and then steal everyone’s attention.  And Trisha, she’s pretty good at acting, but she’ll probably get bored after, like, 10 minutes, and say that we should switch to Cards Against Humanity or something.  (annoyed)  I mean, I’m sure there’s a strip version of Cards Against Humanity, but I don’t wanna go find it.  It would be like Cards Against Humanity, Against, like, Strategic Nudity.  Which is….I mean….Oh, the Humanity!  And Heidi is too….y’know…”into you” to be trusted anyway--(aside) by the way, forget I said that, please don’t start lusting after Heidi.  And then Keith is more than a little too into me also.  Sorry, Keith, I like you as a friend, but this is not useful to me right now.  Now normally, none of these things would upset the plan, but what if Keith, like, tells you in private that he has the hots for me, and then YOU decide like a fucking gentleman to step away and let his and my budding romance flourish?  That defeats the whole point of the game night.  I don’t wanna fuck Keith, I wanna fuck you.  Sorry again, Keith.

(pessimistic)  So here I am now, and I’m totally screwed.  (as an afterthought)  Yeah, I’ll take two cards.  (rueful)  I mean, if instead of trying to plan the most convoluted thing in the world, maybe I had spent more time in the gym, or maybe I….maybe I got a prettier hairdo, you might just like me anyway, and save me all of this trouble.  Or maybe if I just made the signals a little more subtle--or even maybe more obvious, fuck, I dunno--either way would probably have been better.  (spitballing ideas) For that matter, if I had just put all of this brainpower into learning how to actually play poker, I wouldn’t have to rig the hands, I’d just win naturally.  (dawning on her)  Wait.  Ignore that last one--I forgot that my goal is to lose.

(little rueful chuckle, distraught)  Jesus--I’m a mess.  This is a huge disaster.  (becoming fatalistic, curt)  Acck--just….fuck it.  Take all of my money.  Here, I’m just putting it all in front of me so you can take it.  (rueful) I deserve it, I lied to you all, I should have chosen a better plan.  Or I should have just been honest.  Poker, really?  I picked poker?  There were like 100 better games I could have chosen.  (change in tone back to introspective)  Well, I mean, not chess of course.  That game makes even less sense to me than poker.  (going into a comedic “rant”)  Like…..I mean… Moving castles?  What the fuck is that?  Castles are buildings, how the fuck do you move them?  And then, like, the pawns look like they’re male throughout the whole game, they just have that ball on the top, that’s obviously supposed to be male, but then you get them to the other end of the board, and they turn into women?!  What’s up with that??  I asked this date once why the guys riding the horses didn’t fall off while they were jumping over all these giant pieces, and he told me to lick my lips and pout for him.  (annoyed)  So yeah.  Fuck chess.  Fuck it in the ass with something painful.  Like a….like a….red hot poker.  (gasp)  Is that where the name “poker” comes from?

(interrupted, as though forgetting a hand was still happening)  What’s that?  It’s my turn?  Ok, what am I supposed to do?  Lay my cards down, the hand is over?  Oh my god, look how much money you all put in!  Was that because of poker?!!?  All right, I still don’t understand, but here goes.

(TOTAL change of tone to confident swagger, as though the entire rest of the audio was an “act.”)  Well that was easy.  (gloating)  Suckers.  Read em and weep, boys, cowboys over candy canes.  I knew I had two red fish to fry.  Guys, I’ve been hustling you for 10 minutes, I know what you all had.  (amused)  Wait, is that your clothing?  No, we’re not taking off any fuckin’ clothing, this is not strip poker, this is actual poker--I’m taking your money.  (badass)  The only thing I’m gonna strip is the bills from your wallets, losers.

(rolling eyes)  Yeah, of course the dumb girl stuff was intentional!  It’s like those pre-ripped jeans:  all the effort went in beforehand to make it look genuine.  What did you think I was talking about?  (fully confident)  And by the way, you, if you wanna fuck me later, my favorite brand of condom is Durex Pleasure Me’s.  Now THAT’s a sign.