Thread 89: Stories 76-87

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Rarity"
'Cardboard Pinkie'
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but I'm here to interrupt! Now for our main guest...RARITY!!!
Cardboard Pinkie sits behind the desk smiling. Cut to the guest chair revealing it's only a smiling cardboard version of Rarity.

'...'

"..."

'...?'

"...-"

'...!'

"..."

'...'

Pinkie walks into an empty studio.
>Alrighty, time to start the show! Now where did I put the Rarity cutout?
Cardboard Pinkie stands behind Pinkie.
>Hmm...did it move?
She turns around only nothing is there.
>Now if I was a piece of cardboard, where would I be?

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>SA
"Celestia"
'Chrysalis'
~Cadence~
[18]
{42}
+Twilight+
~~~~~~

The room was still as they all sat in a semi-circle, looking on oddly at the display before them.

There, hanging on the wall behind what had been a terrifyingly difficult boss to beat, was several, gorgeous sets of armor. SEXY armor, to be precise. Normally, they would have jumped on it so fast any would swear them hungry rabbits and that a pile of carrots laced with rabbit-nip. But, seeing as what had happened before...

>So... I'm pretty sure I can purify all curses that affect them so that nothing like what happened before happens again, buuuuut...

"One of us needs to actually put it on first."

'And there's every chance that the minute we do, SNAP, broken like a twig.'

~Or transformed into monsters before Shiny could save us.~

[Or even mortally poisoned.]

+...so... who's going to be the test subject?+

As if they needed to ask.

{Everyone stand back, I don't want blood to go everywhere.}

[Forty Two no! You shouldn't have to! You do all the most dangerous stuff all the time!]

{I do not.}

[Oh yeah!? What about-]

~~~~~

~Hey, Forty Two? Does this taste expired to you?~

{Let me see.... BLARRRGGHHHH!}

~That a yes?~

~~~~~~

[Or-]

~~~~~

'Hey, Forty Two! I think there's a beehive stuck in here, mind reaching in to check?'

{Not at all your majesty, let me just reach in and-OWOWOWOWOWOWWOWOWOWOW!}

'Hah! Called it! Celly owes me a bit!'

{OWOWOWOWOWOWOW-}

~~~~~

>And then there was that time when-

~~~~~

+Hey, Forty Two? Do you like blueberries?+

{....They're fine, I guess?}

+Good, taste this!+

{Oh, I suppose thAAARRRRGGGGGGHHH OH SWEET HIVEMIND IT FEELS LIKE MY INSIDES ARE MELTIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!}

+So thaaaat's what the rabbits problem was. Hard to be specific over all the incoherent screaming.+

{WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH BLUEBERRIES!?}

+Wha? Nothing I just wanted to know if you liked them. Totally unrelated survey for the next picnic.+

{ARRGGHHHHHHHH!}

~~~~~

[...]

+Still really sorry about that, by the way.+

"But she has a point, you do take one for the team an unfair amount. I think someone else should be the go to girl for this one."

'...Why did you just glance at me?'

[Someone who is really durable who could also maybe withstand curses?]

'Stop it, stop glancing at me.'

~Someone who, perhaps, owes you a bit for some services and friendship?~

'You're pointing. You are pointing at me and you need to stop right now.'

+Someone who maaaaaayyyybbbbbeeee needs to start pulling her weight a little more?+

'Are we just dropping pretenses? You're shoving me, I feel like you dropped it and you need to pick it the fuck back up right now.'

>Chrysalis?

'WHAT!?'

>I'll do it if you don't want to.

'...'

>...

'...Motherfuckinggoddamnpieceoffuckingshitcan'tbelieveI'mdoingthis...'

[How.]

"That's the power of... nevermind. Chrysalis? How does it fit?"

'It's a little cold... kinda rough... not really feeling any-AH!'

>Ah? Good Ah or bad Ah?

'Ah! AHHHH! NNNGHHHH!'

>...C-Chrysalis?

'W-whoooaaaaaa this is going against some wweEEEEIIIRRDDD pplllllaaaaaHIIIIIICESS!'

~...I should not be watching this.~

>Yeah, when she started writhing on the ground I really should have done something.

"...You haven't yet."

>Neither have you.

"...Touche."

'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNGNGGGhHH Ah! AHHHHHH!'

{D-do... do you want us to help? What... what do I do!?}

'OhhhhHHHhHHH!Hhhhhhhhhh... n-noooOOOHHHOHOHOOOOO! I thiiiiiiink I'm GEEEE!... I'm good!'

+...my innocence is dying... +

'EEE! EEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'

"Chrysalis really, you need to stop before-"

'NNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssooohhhhhh...!'

>"[{~+....+~}]"

~I feel so unclean.~

'...pppFFTTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!'

[MOTHERFUCKER!]

'YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FAAAAACE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!'

~BURN HER ALIVE!~

'AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH~

{NOT! FUNNY!}

'AHAHAHHAHAH!'

"...Was a little funny."

>Heh.

+ARE YOU SERIOUS!?+

>It was!

'AHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHHH!... No but seriously, these things are SUPER cursed, only reason I'm not dying is because it can't beat angel with demon training. If I tried to use it, it would take me over.'

>...

'What?'

>Hows about next time you start with that before Cadence grabs the armor to get back at you?

'Before she wha-OH FUCK!'

~I WILL FEAST ON YOUR SOOOOOULLLLLL!~

'Wait, it doesn't make you crazy!'

~...~

'Oh riiiigh-NO CADDY NO!'

~REVENGE TIME!~

{...}

[Let it happen, Forty Two, let it happen.]

{...}

[..Forty Two?]

{...}

+...That is a very medically unsound nosebleed-+

{Shhhh...}

+...+

{...shh...}

+...Still not clean...+

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 >Applejack
"Dash"
'Pinkie'
[Luna]
{PD}
~~~

"So what is on that scroll that hork threw at you anyway?"

'DASHIE! That's offensive!... to the guy who tried to kill us!'

"..."

'Retracted.'

>Ah' dunno, just looks like a lotta squiggles ta' me.

[PERHAPS, WONDERED THE MAGE, SHE SHOULD TRY READING IT... hold up... nothat'sstupidshe'snotgoingtojustgothatway...yesofcoursebut-nosheshouldn'tsaveitforafunniertime!]

{justsayingsheshould-}

[thisiswhatwearedoinghush!...AHEM! PERHAPS, SHE WONDERED, IF READING THE BLASTED THING WOULD HELP!]

>...Okay... squiggle squiggle squigglywoo.

[TIS BASIC RUNES! This is the stuff children learn on their first days!]

>Ah' never looked at no fancy bookstuff.

[Oh for the love of...]

DING!

[There! Now tis is in a language you understand!]

>...The fuck is this?

[THIS IS LITERALLY JUST THE RUNE ALPHABET!]

>...

[REALLY?! NOT EVEN THE ALPHABET!? NOT EVEN THAT!? NOT EVEN THAT BLASTED BASIC PIECE OF... fine, thou knows what? FINE! Just guess! GUESS WHAT IT SAYS!]

>...

[GUESS OR WE SHALL CASE FIREBALLS UPON THEE!]

"Better do what she says."

'She sounds pretty serious.'

>....Katuuu, Barada... somethin.

[NO WAIT-]

THOOOM!

>...Oh hey! A tree summon!? Ah'm all for this! This is amazin'!

'They're call Ents, AJ.'

>APPLE ents! This is fantastic! Awww, Ah' knew ya'll would-

RAAAOOOOORRRRRRR!

>...He looks kinda angry fer' a tree.

[YOU DIDN'T READ THE LAST LINE! YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT!]

>Oh... soooo-

THOOM!

>Buckin' hell.

"AWESOME!"

>Not awesome! We gotta kill an apple tree! A livin' apple tree! AH'M KILLIN' WHAT AH' LOOOOOVVVEEABAAAAWWWW!

[...whyartthoulaughing?]

{Noreasonnoreasonatall...}

>AH'M SORRY!

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>32
"77"
'88'
~~~~

>...

"..."

'...We're not going to visit Sixty Nine, right?'

"What was that?"

'It's just... I know he lives down there, and that guy is really, REALLY annoying. We're not going to stop by his place, right? Please tell me no.'

>He's not that bad.

'He is literally the most egotistical, thickheaded idiot I have ever encountered.'

"..."

'...Including Chrysalis.'

>WHOA WHOA WHOA! Let's not say stuff we can't take back!

"Sigh."

'I'm just saying, if I have the option of stabbing myself in the uterus over and over again or listening to him, hand me the knife.'

>...

'...He's glaring at me, isn't he?'

"Pretty hard, actually."

'Awww, mad I'm making fun of him?'

>Rather irritated you're deriding the only changeling who cared if I was alive for several months, and is the whole reason I'm still alive because after selflessly buying me gifts on his trip to Partyland, he came down immediately to give them to me and recharged me from what would have been a lethal drain, and then continued to look after me long after SOMEONE didn't, yes.

"...Sorry."

'Eeeesh, testy testy, why don't you just fuck the guy if you love him so much.'

>...I've offered, he didn't take me up on it-

'I KNEW IT!'

>...

"I'm terrified, but...I have got to hear this."

'No, seriously, I knew it! It's all been a cover!'

>No, I assure you, I would absolutely have-

'Not you, you moron, sixty nine!'

>It's Twenty Nine now-

'He's been faking this the whole time!'

>...Should we ask?

"Terror is overriding curiosity."

'Seriously, think about it! Who is he always going after?'

"Royals, and literally zero other qualifiers."

'And how many royals want to fuck him?'

>He claims he managed three and a minor duchess-

'CLAIMS! But how many have you seen go for him?'

"...Zero?"

'MOTHERFUCKING ZERO! So do you know what this means!?'

"Royals around here have standards?"

'NO!... Well, yes, but NO! It means he literally, EXCLUSIVELY, decided to go after someone he can't get! Why?

"He dreams far bigger than he could ever achieve?"

'NO! It's because he knows he can't, but doesn't want everyone to know HE CAN'T GET IT UP!'

>...Seriously.

'Bet you all the bits I own he's as impotent as a wet noodle! If his 'sword of fantasy' was real it would be made out of jello! HE AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' GOIN' ON!'

>I feel I kind of have to come to his defense here and say that's not true.

'Bullshit! Let me guess, you offered to do ANYTHING to him, right?'

>...

'And there is my proof. There is no stallion ON THE PLANET who would turn down a free, well vindicated, no strings attached fuck. It does not exist. Bare minimum, BARE MINIMUM, he would just have you blow him. And you totally would!'

>...

'See!? It's been full of hot air this whole time! I KNEW IT!'

>...I regret what I'm about to do, but I feel that otherwise you're not going to let this go and spread some really unfortunate rumors.

'AIN'T A RUMOR IF IT'S TRUE!'

"She is making a lot of sense..."

>Very well, you have forced my hoof, and I hope he can forgive me... brother? Do you remember what I said earlier, about you not being the first to pull off having consensual sex with a pony?

"Yes?"

>...

'...n-nooooo...'

>Him and Mayor Mare, because and I quote he 'needed to make sure his sword of fantasy still worked'. And, in fact, it did. She liked it so much she offered him a job so she could be around him more often.

'Nooooooooo.'

>So, in our entire history, the very first changeling to ever successfully seduce and bed a pony is, in fact...

"...I just threw up in my mouth a little bit..."

'NOBODY ELSE CAN EVER KNOW!'

>I wished not even you to know, but you brought this on yourself.

'NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! NOBODY EVER! NOT EVEN HIM! HE CAN NEVER KNOW!'

>...

'...MINDWIPE HIM!'

>No.

'...'

>Gonna stay quiet the rest of the trip?

'...'

>Thought so.

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NC

>56
“Batmom”
~~~

>I’m like hey, wassup, hello! Seen yo pretty plot soon as you came through the-OW!

“If you don’t put a lid on that sludge coming from your mouth, brat.”

>YOU!

“Yes, the fabulous, slender me.”

>...Slender? I dunno ‘bout that, ‘specially when ya consider how WIDE your butt-OW!

“That’s what happens with childbirth, idiot. Wider hips, fuller butt, etcetera; you’re making room for the little one inside.”

Something akin to shock and awe lit up 56’s eye.

>Wait, wait, wait, hold the plot… ya mean, mares can actually get… th-they get bigger hips an’ booty? Jus’ by havin’ a kid?

“Uh, yeah?”

>B-but that’s-I can’t-what wonderful black magic is this? And why’m I jus’ now learnin’ 'bout it?

“Because your grasp on education is so severely lacking it’s to the point of nonexistence?”

>Point! But still… s-so you’re sayin’… that if Moons got ready to have a kid then… then she, too, would… get bigger?

“Well, obviously, brat. She’s a princess, an alicorn even! You think her proportions are godly now? Ha! Were she to get impregnated, there’s no doubt in my mind her body would blossom into the very symbol of fertility, the poster mare of perfection! A figure that would make the very sun weep with her beauty, her grace-”

>Her booty….

“And, oh, her rear! My princess’s rear would eclipse all before and any after it! In preparation for the one growing within, you would bear witness to the booty to end all booty’s, with every lip-smacking curve and a feel so plush you could sleep on it forever! A revolution in evolution, a triumph of unf, not even Faust could have foreseen her daughter as-”

>I CAN’T TAKE IIIIIIIIT!

SHOOM!

Batmom blinked, glancing at the trails of fire left in the stampeding changelings wake.

“…Damn, got so caught up I forgot I was here to give him a hint. Wait, what’s he off to do anyway? ...He couldn’t possibly… OH FUCK!”

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>AJ
"Pinkie"
'Luna'
~~~~~

DO DO DO DOOOO!

>Alright, level ten!

"Level ten!? LEVEL TEN!? LEVEL PARTYBOPPING TEN!?"

>...Yeah, level ten.

"Oh hell yeah! AJ, give me your scroll!"

>...The tree one?

"That's the one!"

>Yer' not gonna summon a tree monster again, right?

"Nope! Just gonna start squiggling aaannnnd-"

'HEY! Thou cannot redraw all over our scroll! We worked hard on that!... No! Stop! Thou art doing nothing but messing it up! It's just gibberish now! STOP! STOP IT! STOP-'

"It's not gibberish... it's PINKIE!'

POOF!

'WHAT IN TARTARUS!?

>...

"LEVEL UP PARTYYYYYYY!"

UN TSS UN TSS UN TSSS!

'Wha-buh-how-but-we-'

>Pinkie?

"Come on AJ! Do the dance! This is a big achievement!"

>Pinkie.

"WOOOO! LEVEL TEEEENNNN!"

>PINKIE!

"..."

>...Yer' just standin' there... with a buncha rocks... and a bucket o' turnips... and is that a sack o' flour?

"A dooyyyy! It's the inanimate dance! DO THE INANIMATE DANCE WITH ME!"

>...So just stand here?

"Now you got it! DANCE!"

UN TSS UN TSS UN TSSS!

>...Ah'm strangely liking this.

'...We do not even care anymore...'

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>32
"77"
'88'
-???-
=Cheerilee=

>"'...'"

'Okay, are you guys seeing this? Because I am. And that is horrifying to me.'

"You...you can see it?"

'Creepo in a big long cloak? Yuppers. Like...not even screech-o-vision, I just see it and it's creepy as hell.'

"Never really gets easier with these things, let me try and talk to it. Excuse me, sir? You're blocking the door-"

-[Sounds of a thousand enraged crows]-

>"'GAH!'"

-[Quizzical feedback loop]?-

"Yes, I need to speak with Cheerilee, and while I can see you're busy...er..."

>Glaring at Canterlot for no apparently reason.

'He's glaring? How can you tell he's glaring, there's no eyes!'

>Body language.

'HE'S IN A CLOAK!'

>Semantics.

'Fuck yooooou!'

-[French horn in E Minor]?-

"No no, we don't need you to stop glaring at Canterlot, we just need you to-"

=FRANCIS J. FOALINGTON!=

-[Backfiring speedboat]!-

=What did I tell you about being mysterious and weird in front of the door?=

-[Mournful dove noises]-

=I'm not mad, just disappointed, now please move for my guests.=

Poof

'...did...did that creepy motherfucker just disappear!?'

"Don't question it, just...just don't."

=Honey, how nice of you to drop by, did you have a good Hearthswarming with your family?=

"...from a certain point of view, poppet, may we come in?"

=Is something the matter?=

>My brother needs to speak with you and -hopefully- make a choice to better his life.

=...you are being super cryptic right now.=

"Yeah, he does that."

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Omuhkeh time!

>Batmom
“Freighter”
~~~~

“So.”

>No.

“Soooo.”

>Don’t even.

“Soooo-o-o-o-oooo.”

>Shut. Your fucking. Face.

“There any particular reason the changeling kid we’re shadowing just ran by shouting something about getting Princess Luna pregnant?”

>…

“No knowledge of that or the events thereafter? Your mind naught but a blank? Hm.”

>…I fucked up.

“Actually, no, looks like our Princess is the one who’s about to fucked u-”

>I will eat your soul, Freighter.

“Ha, that’s a classic preggers Glim threat right there.”

>Every. Last. Bit.

“Shutting up now.”

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 NCOMAKE!
>Pommel
"Daw"
'???'
~~~~

>Okay, so dressing me up in lingerie and making me do a fan dance was a poor idea.

"Dunno how she could resist!"

>I don't know, I'm damn sexy.

"...Ya' don't think she's... that way, do ya'?"

>Are you offering to try?

"...Meh, what's the ha-"

~~~~~~~~~

>....

"...W-wow..."

>...I uh... was just hoping you'd distract her, not...

"W-well I did that."

>You uh.. you didn't have to do... so much.

"...A part of me wanted this..."

>Was it the part that kept screaming "YES YES MORE!" during?

"Probably related, yeah."

>...

'...I fucked your marefriend better than you do.'

"..."

>D-did she?

"..."

>...

"...Hey! Yer' the captain that stopped Chitania now, they're gonna throw you a parade and everything. That's not nothing!"

>...

'I'm bored now. You ready for round two?'

"YES!- I mean... that was only round one!?-I-I mean noooo, this was just... uh..."

>...

"...You can watch if you want."

>...Sure, I'll settle for that.

'You better, you're not fucking joining in.'

>........I wanna go back on the boat.


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NCOMAKE!
>Guard
"Changeling"
~~~~~

>Aaannnnndd welcome back to Fuzzy and the Buzz in the morning!

~Fuzzy and the Buzz, 97.1!~

"In todays top news, Rainbow Dash absent from her commanding session AGAIN!"

~OH LAWDY SHE'S GONE!~

>Hey, she's not called Rainbow Stands-Still!

"Couple of ponies are concerned she's not putting her all into her post, but these candid pics with her around that dragon show she might be putting her all into someone's post alright!"

~OH BABY I LIKE IT!~

>OHHHHHH! But hey, at least it's not Shining Armor this time!

"Nope, he was far too busy it seems, as the annual 'royal meetup' happened again, and you will not believe who joined in!"

>Every mare in Equestria?

"Close, but no! HIS SISTER!"

>Well, think about it like this, they keep their friends close, their enemies closer, where do you think they're keeping their family?

~OH BEHAVE!~

"Ha ha! In other news, Changeling Twenty Nine was seen running off into the woods with the mayor AGAIN! No doubt to visit the zebra friend of their's hut."

>Is that what they're calling it nowadays?

"Well we can't call it the other thing, we're a classy show!"

~Good lord, it's broken my monocle!~

>Ha! That's all the show for us today, tune in tonight when we examine the troubling wage gap between earth ponies and unicorns, and re-examine how our society is treating the underprivileged.

"..."

>...I mean, we're looking back in to see what's going on with Princess Luna! We've heard she's been showing her moons to some kids, if you get my drift!

"Hey, with how tall she is, maybe everyone just looks short!"

~OH GOD THINK OF THE CHILDREN!~

"That's our show, GOONIGHT!"

~Fuzzy and Buzz in the Morning, bringing all the fun!~

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Omukuh!
>Future Child
"Future Historian"
~~~

"And so, the changeling race became a part of our grand land, intermingling until they became as any other race was... as in, kinda weird, but eh."

>Teacher? How did it all begin?

"Ahhhh, well, the very first changeling to... ahem, 'be with' a pony was none other than than the one known only as Fifty Nine!"

>Fifty Nine?

"Yes, he was a tall, punchhappy changeling dedicated to paperwork... for some reason."

>...

"Look, the texts are a little hard to figure out, since their Queen, Apparently named Chitania, ordered the thing burned a couple times in a drunken stupor."

>...Why?

"Well, we'd ask her, but as we all know both her and the Apple Princess both were destroyed in the great blast of year two of her tenor."

>...the great blast that almost extincted all races?

"That one."

>Why!?

"It had something to do with cake, we're not sure what."

>...So that's why everything's... like it is.

"Yep. Whelp, keep good notes, because that'll all be on the test."

>...Seriously?

"Fuck no, get your pickaxe so we can go back to mining for our changeling overlords."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 OMAKE!
>SA
"Twilight"
~~~~

>So... about watching me shake my ass-

"I... I see it when I close my eyes."

>Oh come on, it wasn't that ba-

"NO! You don't understand. I see it... and I like it."

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>...So, never speak to each other again after this?

"That would be for the best. When mom asks?"

>I said your science was silly and you haven't forgiven me.

"Plausible enough to work."

>...

"...Since we're not going to see each other again... You thinking what I'm thinking?"

>...Meh.

~~~~~~~~One year later!~~~~~~~~~~~

>Twilight! I thought you said we were never going to see each other again!

"And we wouldn't have if someone hadn't been lying about wearing a condom."

>...........

"Say hi to your new daughter."

>SON OF A BITCH!

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