betrayal

I've been betrayed/backstabbed so many times in my life. I don't get it. I try to be a loyal friend/SO/whatever you call it.

But, especially this year, I've been kicked while I was down.

I had a best friend for 10 years. At my age, that's a long time. And he turned from one of the most humble, sweetest, generous people I knew into a complete and utter piece of garbage. Now, I saw red flags popping up quite a time before this. For instance, all of his "crew" (friends) that he had gone to high school with never treated me like I belonged. I was always an outcast. Ostracized. When they needed my help of course they hit me up but after that, pfft, it was like I never existed.

And it hurt.

I was nothing but good to these people. I tried my hardest to be their friends but it was like hitting a brick wall. And I put up with it for 10 years because I kept up hope that long, that maybe they'd start to appreciate who I was, as a human being. But no, if anything it got worse.

Every girl I've had a relationship with has either cheated on me or tried to cheat. Manipulated the HELL out of me. And I'm such a fucking idiot, I let it go half the time instead of doing what I should've done and just cut them off completely. Because I have a heart. I want to see people change.

But most people don't. It's like they're stuck in a perpetual motion machine of shit.

So, it makes it EXTREMELY hard for me to trust people now. I seem very standoffish, or like an asshole. But I'm really not. It's a shield. It's my shield to protect myself from being betrayed again.
I can't handle it again. I hope the very few friends I have now are true. I think they are. I would like to eventually find a romantic partner that I can completely trust. I just think, with my luck, someone like that doesn't exist anywhere near me.

I now know what the phrase 'trust, but verify' means.