therapist says what can i introduce that's new - for examples, things such as starting to play piano, talking to ppl in walmart, etc

---2
mindfulness  - mint
focus on what's present (me lying in bed) when falling asleep - i will certainly fail the first time as it requires practice apparently

do something productive within first few hours of waking up (2 hours i say)





---NEXT APPT
12:30 tues

there's a receptionist that's a bit cute btw
pale skin and very red hands, seemed to have fake red hair







---THINGS I MUST TELL HIM


===OUTBACK (SUPER IMPORTANT BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS BASICALLY GONE)===
this is SUPER fucking important cunt
my mothers birthday was four days ago, yesterday my grandmother and uncle wanted to take her to dinner in albany which i tagged along for alongside rihanna for some reason

mother and i went to justins house after getting blu/riley to drop off riley and get gerald/rihanna
i saw a new dog that nobody told me justin obtained after the obese guy died

i let gerald drive and i felt totally different the entire time, actually not really depressed at all
and fully vulnerable to positive emotions and also negative emotions but not to the depressed extent (!!!!)
a revelation
in the car going both ways, many topics were brought up including politics

keeping up with this mood, when blu wanted to enter trader joes which had literally hundreds of people stuffed into a small store, i saw seemingly infinite female specimens
a fuckton were english, which naturally brought me back to meghan (i don't know how badly this line will age)

now, i need to say that i feel positive about everything that i normally ruminate about
politics (gerald casually talking about shooting democrats for wanting to take his guns after letting criminals go free for free on bail), zoomers, females, attractive females, life, etc.
i feel legitimately energized as a male with gerald in regards to street racing, which was frequently discussed on the trip with him racing guys in both kia in sport mode and 5.3l dodge caravan while rihanna was present
it's easy to imagine me street racing on the highway then going back to justins to discuss my victory, which is tribalistic

rihanna completely calmed my thoughts on zoomers, even while seeing attractive females (both at outback, a.k.a. the english counter girl and at trader joes which as mentioned previously had hundreds of people)
ok boomer was mentioned
this may partially be due to having no one even remotely near my age present anywhere ever, and if they are they're strangers (meanwhile i forget about tweak and literally everybody else there)
this leads to me falsely idealizing shit which must stop because that's now and forever in the most literal sense

```this is why i want a relationship with a girl
go back to the third paragraph where i was not depressed
had a girl been present, i ABSOLUTELY would have fully felt her present - i felt rihanna present despite her not being an option for reasons that go into the triple digits
indeed, i wanted any of the girls i'm looking at to have been with me in a girlfriend role because, at the time, i felt it would make things even better
indeed, when an attractive girl that reminded me of red creep at outback passed me close by i felt it, and when she looked at me i felt it
===OUTBACK (SUPER IMPORTANT BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS BASICALLY GONE)===








-I NEED TO TELL HIM ABOUT SIGNIFICANT MOOD BOOST
one time after getting a major mood boost i documented what i felt compared to depression
i did this in 10+ similar scenarios

-the concept of having a relationship of anyone, sexual/friendly that has any emotional origins is foreign to me after so much isolation

-after seeing hasan, i was vulnerable to positivity

-i used to be so confident and excellent mentally but now i can't even remember that stage or its benefits, i need to return to this

-i feel much less emotion and less close to my environment after moving which i am trying to rectify by making it not look like shit which i've never done before but this isn't working out

-i don't feel like it's the same life since i was 5, and any time i have a modern adult positive (something that i could not experience prior to being depressed) combined with being able to feel my childhood it feels right