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itlives

How to get a girlfriend

itlives
Feb 23rd, 2014
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  1. Venerated_Reaper: I'm jealous of Wyatt.
  2.  
  3. Venerated_Reaper: He says he has a girlfriend.
  4.  
  5. itlives: my ass he does
  6.  
  7. Venerated_Reaper: And I want one. :c
  8.  
  9. itlives: ok
  10.  
  11. itlives: not only will I get you one
  12.  
  13. itlives: I will get you the hottest, kinkiest, sexiest one out there
  14.  
  15. itlives: but, it requires a lot of work. you in?
  16.  
  17. Venerated_Reaper: k
  18.  
  19. itlives: ok
  20.  
  21. Venerated_Reaper: What do I need?
  22.  
  23. itlives: you will need some tape, a tissue, 5 double A batteries, 2 D batteries, a speaker, some lube, a bra, a music stand, and 64 rain drops
  24.  
  25. Venerated_Reaper: What's a bra?
  26.  
  27. itlives: you know what your mom wears?
  28.  
  29. itlives: or what fat people wear?
  30.  
  31. Venerated_Reaper: Pants?
  32.  
  33. itlives: STOP BEING WYATT
  34.  
  35. itlives: anyway
  36.  
  37. itlives: here is what you must do:
  38.  
  39. itlives: first. introduce yourself to your right hand. her name is Jill
  40.  
  41. Venerated_Reaper: To my penis?
  42.  
  43. itlives: your RIGHT hand
  44.  
  45. Venerated_Reaper: Oh.
  46.  
  47. Venerated_Reaper: K.
  48.  
  49. itlives: ok
  50.  
  51. itlives: now hold the 2 D batteries with your right hand
  52.  
  53. Venerated_Reaper: Um, okay.
  54.  
  55. itlives: your girlfriend now has Double Ds
  56.  
  57. Venerated_Reaper: HOLY SHIT
  58.  
  59. itlives: ok
  60.  
  61. Venerated_Reaper: Do they make milk?
  62.  
  63. itlives: um
  64.  
  65. itlives: they make acid
  66.  
  67. itlives: close to milk
  68.  
  69. Venerated_Reaper: Can I drink some?
  70.  
  71. itlives: too early for that you horndog
  72.  
  73. Venerated_Reaper: :c
  74.  
  75. itlives: ok
  76.  
  77. itlives: now take the bra and tape it on your hand so the batteries dont fall
  78.  
  79. Venerated_Reaper: A push up bra?
  80.  
  81. itlives: yes
  82.  
  83. Venerated_Reaper: Makes her batteries look bigger.
  84.  
  85. itlives: now for the date
  86.  
  87. itlives: now take the raindrops and pour them on the music stand. that will make you look good. now dry it with the tissue.
  88.  
  89. itlives: keep the tissue for later use
  90.  
  91. itlives: after that, she will start to like you
  92.  
  93. itlives: does she like you?
  94.  
  95. Venerated_Reaper: Music stand?
  96.  
  97. itlives: IT WAS IN THE THINGS YOU NEED
  98.  
  99. Venerated_Reaper: I FORGOT THAT
  100.  
  101. itlives: I TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEEDED THAT
  102.  
  103. itlives: GET IT
  104.  
  105. Venerated_Reaper: I'M SORRY
  106.  
  107. itlives: BEFORE SHE GETS BORED AND GOES HOME
  108.  
  109. Venerated_Reaper: Off of Amazon?
  110.  
  111. itlives: NO
  112.  
  113. itlives: BUY IT
  114.  
  115. itlives: DONT LOOK LIKE A CHEEPSKATE
  116.  
  117. Venerated_Reaper: THAT'S WHAT YOU DO ON AMAZON
  118.  
  119. Venerated_Reaper: YOU BUY THINGS
  120.  
  121. Venerated_Reaper: WHERE DO I GET IT?
  122.  
  123. Venerated_Reaper: WALMART?
  124.  
  125. itlives: NO
  126.  
  127. itlives: FIND A MUSIC PLACE
  128.  
  129. itlives: THEIR STANDS ARE OVER PRICED ANYWAY
  130.  
  131. itlives: YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A RICH FUCK
  132.  
  133. Venerated_Reaper: OKAY
  134.  
  135. Venerated_Reaper: I bought a music stand.
  136.  
  137. Venerated_Reaper: What now?
  138.  
  139. itlives: take 32 of the 64 rain drops and pour them on the stand
  140.  
  141. itlives: then dry it with the tissue. then save the tissue for later use
  142.  
  143. Venerated_Reaper: How do I get exactly 32 drops?
  144.  
  145. Venerated_Reaper: And what size?
  146.  
  147. itlives: um
  148.  
  149. itlives: you have to be a nice guy
  150.  
  151. itlives: you know. not a douchebag
  152.  
  153. itlives: you be nice and you will get exactly 32 on the stand
  154.  
  155. Venerated_Reaper: Too late.
  156.  
  157. itlives: be a douchebag and you will get all--
  158.  
  159. itlives: you whore
  160.  
  161. Venerated_Reaper: How the fuck do I be nice?
  162.  
  163. itlives: dont make this a how to in a how to
  164.  
  165. itlives: you have to figure it out on your own
  166.  
  167. Venerated_Reaper: aisfhd;aoshfd
  168.  
  169. Venerated_Reaper: Fine.
  170.  
  171. Venerated_Reaper: I'll act like Sweet.
  172.  
  173. Venerated_Reaper: Is that good?
  174.  
  175. itlives: I SAID NICE
  176.  
  177. itlives: NOT RETARDED
  178.  
  179. Venerated_Reaper: Sweet is nice.
  180.  
  181. Venerated_Reaper: She's just a dumbass
  182.  
  183. itlives: true
  184.  
  185. itlives: ok
  186.  
  187. Venerated_Reaper: Or I could be like Will.
  188.  
  189. itlives: be a push over?
  190.  
  191. itlives: that will work
  192.  
  193. Venerated_Reaper: K.
  194.  
  195. itlives: now did you get the 32 drops on the stand?
  196.  
  197. Venerated_Reaper: Yes.
  198.  
  199. itlives: did you dry it?
  200.  
  201. Venerated_Reaper: But it's falling off. :c
  202.  
  203. Venerated_Reaper: Some of the drops fell on the floor.
  204.  
  205. itlives: dry it jackass
  206.  
  207. itlives: DRY IT
  208.  
  209. itlives: DRY IT
  210.  
  211. itlives: DRY IT
  212.  
  213. itlives: NOL
  214.  
  215. itlives: DSAGH9YDSAASD
  216.  
  217. itlives: NO
  218.  
  219. itlives: ;LADSGNKASHGASDG
  220.  
  221. Venerated_Reaper: I'M SORRY
  222.  
  223. itlives: NO NO NO ON ON
  224.  
  225. itlives: GO TO AFRICA
  226.  
  227. itlives: NOW
  228.  
  229. Venerated_Reaper: WHAT ABOUT MY DATE?
  230.  
  231. itlives: YOU ARLEADY SCREWED IT UP
  232.  
  233. itlives: DUMP HER
  234.  
  235. Venerated_Reaper: HOW DO I DUMP MY HAND?
  236.  
  237. itlives: AMPUTATE
  238.  
  239. Venerated_Reaper: FINE
  240.  
  241. itlives: NOW GO TO THE AMAZON RAINFORST AND GET THE 64 DROPS OF RAIN
  242.  
  243. itlives: AND DONT GIVE ME THE "its not raining there" SHIT
  244.  
  245. itlives: CUZ I KNOW ITS RAINING THERE YOU JUST ARE TOO LAZY TO GO THERE
  246.  
  247. Venerated_Reaper: IT'S DRY SEASON
  248.  
  249. itlives: NO SUCH THING
  250.  
  251. itlives: JUST GET THE FUCKING DROPS
  252.  
  253. itlives: AND RETRY IT ALL ONLY WITH YOUR LEFT HAND
  254.  
  255. itlives: lemme know when you get to the music stand part
  256.  
  257. Venerated_Reaper: K done.
  258.  
  259. Venerated_Reaper: Dried them.
  260.  
  261. itlives: ok
  262.  
  263. Venerated_Reaper: With the same tissue.
  264.  
  265. itlives: ...
  266.  
  267. itlives: hang on
  268.  
  269. itlives: *checks data*
  270.  
  271. itlives: *goes to lab*
  272.  
  273. itlives: *asks scientists*
  274.  
  275. itlives: you did good there
  276.  
  277. itlives: ok
  278.  
  279. itlives: now, its your left hand?
  280.  
  281. itlives: double Ds? taped bra?
  282.  
  283. Venerated_Reaper: Yeah.
  284.  
  285. Venerated_Reaper: But.
  286.  
  287. Venerated_Reaper: Different bra.
  288.  
  289. itlives: good
  290.  
  291. Venerated_Reaper: Because I couldn't take it off my amputated hand.
  292.  
  293. itlives: ah, yess. you got over her. that is a very good thing
  294.  
  295. itlives: change is good
  296.  
  297. Venerated_Reaper: K.
  298.  
  299. Venerated_Reaper: Now what?
  300.  
  301. itlives: now, offer your date the other 32 drops
  302.  
  303. itlives: if she drinks them, she likes you
  304.  
  305. Venerated_Reaper: She can't talk.
  306.  
  307. Venerated_Reaper: Don't know if she wants.
  308.  
  309. itlives: if she puts them on the batteries
  310.  
  311. itlives: and you get shocked
  312.  
  313. itlives: thats how you know
  314.  
  315. itlives: she likes you
  316.  
  317. Venerated_Reaper: She can't drink.
  318.  
  319. itlives: SALKDFUYAS98DGUYSAD
  320.  
  321. itlives: THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY
  322.  
  323. Venerated_Reaper: FINE
  324.  
  325. itlives: THE FUCKING FUCK DID I JUST FUCKING SAY
  326.  
  327. Venerated_Reaper: I just got electrocuted....
  328.  
  329. itlives: GOOD
  330.  
  331. itlives: she likes you
  332.  
  333. itlives: ok
  334.  
  335. itlives: now offer her the 5 double A batteries
  336.  
  337. Venerated_Reaper: How do I know if she wants?
  338.  
  339. itlives: as in
  340.  
  341. itlives: just throw them at your hand
  342.  
  343. Venerated_Reaper: And I have no other hand.
  344.  
  345. Venerated_Reaper: How do I throw it?
  346.  
  347. itlives: place hand on ground
  348.  
  349. itlives: kick batteries on hand
  350.  
  351. Venerated_Reaper: k
  352.  
  353. itlives: ok
  354.  
  355. itlives: now take her home
  356.  
  357. itlives: BUT
  358.  
  359. itlives: be sure your ex doesnt get word that you found another girl
  360.  
  361. Venerated_Reaper: She's dead.
  362.  
  363. Venerated_Reaper: Think we're safe.
  364.  
  365. itlives: no
  366.  
  367. itlives: they never die
  368.  
  369. itlives: just be sure
  370.  
  371. Venerated_Reaper: Shit.
  372.  
  373. Venerated_Reaper: What if she found out?
  374.  
  375. itlives: um
  376.  
  377. itlives: you have the speaker with you, correct?
  378.  
  379. Venerated_Reaper: No.
  380.  
  381. itlives: fuk
  382.  
  383. itlives: hope to god she doesnt find out then
  384.  
  385. itlives: are you home yet?
  386.  
  387. Venerated_Reaper: No.
  388.  
  389. itlives: fuk
  390.  
  391. itlives: hurry home
  392.  
  393. Venerated_Reaper: I can't ****ing drive, bro.
  394.  
  395. itlives: I heard that she knows
  396.  
  397. itlives: YOU HAVE LEGS, DONT YOU
  398.  
  399. itlives: YOU CAN WALK
  400.  
  401. Venerated_Reaper: THE RESTURANT WAS LIKE FIVE MILES AWAY
  402.  
  403. Venerated_Reaper: I have one hand.
  404.  
  405. Venerated_Reaper: ANd it has a bra taped to it.
  406.  
  407. Venerated_Reaper: I can't drive.
  408.  
  409. itlives: MOTHER FUCKER JUST FUCKING WALK
  410.  
  411. itlives: JESUS
  412.  
  413. Venerated_Reaper: FINE.
  414.  
  415. Venerated_Reaper: Oh, shit.
  416.  
  417. itlives: oh god what now
  418.  
  419. Venerated_Reaper: I see my ex.
  420.  
  421. itlives: ...
  422.  
  423. itlives: RUCKING FUN MAN! RUCKING FUN!
  424.  
  425. Venerated_Reaper: OSHIT
  426.  
  427. itlives: DONT LET YOUR DATE SEE HER
  428.  
  429. Venerated_Reaper: Too late.
  430.  
  431. Venerated_Reaper: They are slapping each other
  432.  
  433. itlives: OFUCK
  434.  
  435. itlives: CAT FIGHT
  436.  
  437. itlives: PULL YOUR GIRL OUT OF IT NOW
  438.  
  439. Venerated_Reaper: I DON'T WANT TO GET IN THIS
  440.  
  441. itlives: THE FUCK KIND OF DATE ARE YOU THEN!?
  442.  
  443. itlives: PULL HER OUT OF IT AND RUN
  444.  
  445. Venerated_Reaper: K
  446.  
  447. Venerated_Reaper: OK
  448.  
  449. Venerated_Reaper: She is gone. Now what?
  450.  
  451. itlives: go home, dumbass
  452.  
  453. Venerated_Reaper: K
  454.  
  455. Venerated_Reaper: We are home.
  456.  
  457. itlives: good
  458.  
  459. itlives: she is now horny
  460.  
  461. itlives: throw her on the bed
  462.  
  463. Venerated_Reaper: Um.
  464.  
  465. itlives: throw her
  466.  
  467. itlives: on the bed
  468.  
  469. itlives: you are about to haz teh sexes
  470.  
  471. itlives: to seal the deal, you must do exactly this:
  472.  
  473. itlives: take the bra off and throw it against the wall. next, get the lube. lube up your hand. now hav sum fuk
  474.  
  475. Venerated_Reaper: K.
  476.  
  477. Venerated_Reaper: How do I sex?
  478.  
  479. itlives: your girlfriend will do it
  480.  
  481. itlives: you just sit back and wait
  482.  
  483. itlives: now when you jizz, take the tissue and clean yourself up.
  484.  
  485. itlives: and congratulations! your date went really well!
  486.  
  487. Venerated_Reaper: Yay! Now what?
  488.  
  489. itlives: hope to fuck she calls you back.
  490.  
  491. Venerated_Reaper: Oh. But...
  492.  
  493. itlives: SHUT UP
  494.  
  495. itlives: BE HAPPY I DIDNT COME IN THERE AND VIOLATE YOU WITH A CACTUS THIS TIME
  496.  
  497. Venerated_Reaper: OSHIT
  498.  
  499. Venerated_Reaper: I SHUT UP NOW
  500.  
  501. itlives: fucker... you better.
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