Maids : The History

---3rd December---


Kumoko gets introduced to a smaller mission by the master to get a jar with the foetus of the antichrist in it by getting 3rd place in an icecream eating contest, Elda and Maria (both humans) to accompany her. Elda poses the question of how Kumoko eats, she replies she eats like everyone else, and on further probing she admits spider-people have a somewhat archiac practice of vomiting on food and then slurping it up with sucker-teeth. On conclusion of this it's decided Kumoko should enter the contest.

We decide we may as well make a bomb to use as a plan B distraction, the new warden of the armoury (a bee person) is strict and doesn't see the need to supply us so after Elda contemplates murder (having killed the previous armoury warden) we go to the local DIY store to get ingredients for it, which Kumoko then assembles under Elda's guidance in an abandonned shack they've previously visited.

We go to the colisseum to sign up, Elda posing as Kumoko's doctor. Inside the waiting room of interest are a Yeti, a blue dragon and some kind of living vortex. Elda, having not spoken to a spider person before asks Kumoko if she's able to make silk, and where said silk comes out of. Kumoko turns red and doesn't answer, to which Elda apologises for being insensitive and immediately texts Maria "it comes out of her butt".

We leave temporarily to check out a warehouse that Elda discovered on the mansion computers earlier, looking for places that could hold a stegasaurus (the 2nd place prize, 1st place being a 1 week holiday to heaven), we discover traces of poop that indicated it was being held there, but no other helpful leads, so we return to the colisseum.

Maria uses her charm to blag her way into the more secure areas of the complex, claiming to be part of the cleaning crew, she lets the other two in through a service entrance and we come across a room with two armed military types, clearly where the prizes are being kept.

We decide on a plan of action, Maria will place the bomb in the rafters incase the contest doesn't go well, Kumoko will enter the contest to try and get 3rd place and Elda will hide in the warehouse for an opportunity to get to the prizes when presumably the guards run off.

It doesn't go well. Elda gets cornered by four patrolling guards, but manages to convince them she's an anti-terrorist cell trying to stop a bomb plot, pinning the blame on the yeti and the dragon, and identifying Maria as part of her squad, she gets taken into their custody for safety. Maria soon after gets approached by a guard and taken into custody for safety, they confiscate the bomb, Maria telling them she found it and suspected it to be activated.

In the waiting room, the security barge in to apprehend the yeti and the dragon only for the living vortex to start freaking out because he's on parole, they open fire on him (to no effect, he's a vortex) and the contestants leave the room in a panic.

Kumoko tries to get some info from the yeti and the dragon. The yeti is a huge obnoxious fanboy of the vortex, who is a huge icecream eating champion. The dragon is just concerned about winning for his daughter, claiming he can consume the icecream in 0.02 seconds by just eating the entire container in one bite.

The contest gets postponed by about an hour, the vortex allowed to enter. Kumoko immediately chokes when trying to drink the icecream due to unforeseen chunks of cookie dough and the like in it. She tries to pull a jar of gastric acid from her bag of holding but instead pulls out an extremly hot piece of coal, she throws it into the icecream to melt it and starts sucking it up.

She finishes in 3rd place.

The Vortex, The Blue Dragon and Kumoko get their picture taken and we all go back to the mansion. On handing over the foetus to the Master he runs off to his study and locks the door with barely a word.

---10th December---

3 days after the last session, the Master has secluded himself away in a newly built secondary tower on top of his existing quarters, nobody has seem him come out. Mr Oranges gives us a task to literally find a needle in a haystack, a silver needle that's apparently an heirloom. He doesn't explain why it's in a giant haystack.

Kumoko tries to get the mansion goblins to do the work through intimidation (after failing horribly to charm them) and manages to gather a dozen or so, they don't do that good of a job, we decide we need the help of someone who would react to silver, like a werewolf. Maria tries to convince Mr Oranges to give us some funding to pay for this but he sternly refuses.

We check the local census to see how many werewolves if any, live in town, there's 3 families so we decide to check out the local primary school to see if one of the kids is there. We get Mr Orange's permission to take a black unmarked van from the garage and Elda drives us down there as Kumoko apparently got caught drunk driving once.

We park outside the school and Kumoko helps Elda into a nearby tree so she can look at the kids with her rifle, we manage to find a werewolf child and decide to fake enroll Elda into the school with Kumoko acting as her mother, despite some negociation and Elda bursting into tears, coming up with a story that she was bullied at her previous school, the receptionist (a sentient floating sword) insists it will take several days to enroll.


At this point Elda loses her patience and aims her rifle at her, "Look, let me in the fucking school or I'm going to blow your shaft apart"

This almost immediately triggers an alarm, and shutters slam down over the windows and doors. 30 seconds later a minotaur with a nightstick comes through one of them and tells us to get on the ground. Elda shoots him between his eyes but that doesn't down him, he attacks Elda. Kumoko tries to pull a large tazer from her bag but only manages to pull out a useless tiny one, so she summons her stand to six-arm combo him in the head, this stuns and confuses him enough for Elda to shoot him in the groin... it's not pretty.

We run down the hall the minotaur came from, but everything is shuttered. I try to pull a SWAT-style battering ram from my bag, and it fails, producing seven actual rams, Elda shoots the ground to try and scare them into charging, resulting in some minor damage to us as we dodge them, and the shutter being smashed in.

Once in the courtyard, we spot that the group of kids are huddled around a teacher, Kumoko picks up Elda and flies straight for the group, grabbing the kid (who panics and shouts for help immediately before being swiftly gun-butted by Elda). We get into the van and drive off, but shortly after we realise we're being followed by the police, two cars and some kind of cyborg crab monstrousity.

The car chase goes well, Kumoko takes the wheel while Elda shoots at the cars, taking out their wheels. The cyborg crab shoots a missile from one of its pincers, which we dodge.. it takes out a house.

At this point the kid wakes up and starts panicking, Elda asks me to give her some web to tie him up with. "I'm driving, I'd need to lift my skirt up for that..." Elda insists she'll do it and Kumoko reluctantly agrees, telling her the web comes out a hole just above her bum. We manage to lose the crab and get through the bulkhead to the mountain path that leads to the mansion.

Unfortunately in the car chase we had hit a mailbox which dented the bumper. The hobgoblin in charge of the garage wouldn't give us the time of day despite both Elda and Kumoko trying to bribe him, Kumoko gets angry and slams his desk, huffing as they walk off.

(Elda also starts the conversation by calling him 'Hobbo', which might be a racial slur of some kind)

With the kid finally in the mansion we tie him to a chair and have the goblins start dumping hay on him, his panic turns to confusion as this goes on for 6 hours before finally the needle is found, causing him extreme discomfort as it hits him. Kumoko and Elda double-high five and we let the kid go, but not before warning him to forget our faces, and never speak of the incident.

(Kumoko also tries to stick the kid in her bag of holding, not realising it doesn't actually work that way.)


---1st January 2017---

Elda wakes up and the mansion is a shade of red suddenly, objects return to normal when touched, but quickly return red after contact is lost. It seems when something is this pastel red, it's time-stopped. Elda shoots and kills Miss BizzBuzz but fails to get her security card. She goes to wake up Maria and Kumoko.

Elda shakes Kumoko out of her web hammock and tells her about the situation, throwing an alarm clock into the air to demonstrate, she pokes it to see it fall a bit more and then freeze in time again. Elda exclaims this is the perfect opportunity to do whatever we want.

Elda wakes up Maria telling her the rapture is happening, she believes it's the work of satan.

We do some experimenting on how animation works, we go to Mr Oranges to ask him what's up. He thinks one of us did this so Elda and Maria blame Marine for causing it, he doesn't know how to get into the master's room, Kumoko gets annoyed and lets him go, putting him back in statis.

We get a mech from the armoury, we touch it all over so none of it is red, letting it work properly. We drill the tower door and eventually the hole is big enough to get through. we hear a cracking noise from above, a thin yellow line that is a crack in the sky. There's yellow water in the shower, which doesn't seem harmful if touched.

In the original main tower there are three big vats emitting a faint yellow glow, on looking around we find research notes about using the yellow water as some kind of matter transference liquid, alongside a blueprint for the new section of the tower, detailing a room under the shower.

In the room is another vat with liquid, we break this one open and find it's lined with some kind of pollen, which is allowing it to be contained. Kumoko and Maria go to ask Miss BizzBuzz if she can identify it, but we find her mysteriously dead. Elda implies she was a very depressed indivual and probably committed suicide.

We try to get to the crack in the sky, Kumoko can't fly that high for that long, so we raid the armoury and get jetpacks. Elda manages to get there and touches it, receiving a surge of feedback which she informs Maria was like 'touching god'. We decide to see how the crack would react to the yellow water, bringing up a bucket of it and splashing it on, it increases the crack dramatically, as well as the strength of the pulse it emits, which Elda finds out is some kind of 'joy wave', making her feel happier than she ever has.

To make sure it's safe to enter, we go to the goblin nest and stick one in a bag to throw in, we all jetpack up to the crack, Kumoko showing off some mad skills on the way. On approach Maria gets hit by the joy wave massively, Kumoko having to steady her so she doesn't lose control of her jetpack.

Inside the crack is just vast amounts of yellow, but with a colossal red rock with an eye, slowly descending. Maria, using her knowledge of the bible and such determines it's "The Satan Core" (though she could be mistaken), apparently a place where Satan stores all his evil emotions and magic. Kumoko tries punching the eye and nothing happens, she also rubs her purple dress on the crack to see if purple would have an adverse effect on it, it didn't.

We go back to the armoury and grab the rest of the jetpacks, 45 in total, and strap them onto the mech, using it to hold Maria's heavy holy spear, on the thought that if this is an evil rock, holy weapons should do something to it. After a brief prayer, we blast up and thrust the spear straight into the eye, it gushes blood and seems to have an effect on the world, as the red starts to change into garbled static. Elda grabs an anti-material rifle from the armoury but can't make the shot, even with Kumoko's help stablising.

We decide to launch another spear attack, Maria prays once more beforehand for a divine intervention, and for the first time ever her prayer is answered, everyone hears a booming voice that says "I am intervening".

The sky completely shatters and The Satan Core, which now could be God, or some kind of Godsent, falls down and obliterates the mansion and the surrounding area. The three barely get out of the way and crash land in the forest. Once we get our bearings we check out the crater, somehow the new tower has survived intact, but there doesn't seem to be anything new there. (other than the revalation that a blue forcefield of some kind is what protected it)

Kumoko pulls out a lifeform scanner from her bag to see if there's any survivors anywhere, but unfortunately there's no response.

So, concerned for the Master's safety and annoyed at the mansion's destruction (as she had just gotten her room how she wanted it), she pulls out a time machine from her bag (with a prayer assist from Maria), it looks like an inflatable paddling pool. We bring the time machine over to where the entrance of the Colosseum would have been and set the time-guage to roughly when the Ice Cream Eating Contest would be finishing up, to obtain disguises (and Elda's bomb since its there) so we can stop the Master from secluding himself away with the foetus of the antichrist.

We infiltrate the Colosseum, Elda phones past-Maria to get the guard in her room on the phone, using her powers to make him think there's an emergency that needs his assistance. As he exits, Elda tells past-Maria to just stay put and then she and Kumoko take the guard down... unfortunately we ruin his uniform in the overkill, so we just go and find the cloak room which somehow has uniforms that fit us fairly perfectly.

Deciding against taking the foetus down at the Colosseum (as we would time-erase the favour we gained for delivering it), we head to the Mansion and wait on the roof of the observatory to ambush the Master shortly after our past selves hand over the foetus jar.

The attack is swift and efficient, Maria jetpack tackles the Master, knocking him and the jar down. Kumoko jumps down, her stand smashing the jar. She picks up the foetus and throws it up into the air at Elda for her to snipe with her rifle. A panicked voice from the above tower screams out, following by hundreds of security bees readying to assault us.

Happy on our success, Maria does a little jigg, Kumoko takes a bow, and in a rare show of happiness, Elda hugs Kumoko from behind, before all three are mercilessly assaulted by bees. However seconds later, the bees disperse, and the three are no longer there.

---10th January 2017---

Kumoko finally introduced to the two other maids, Garrett is a robot who wants to be human, he's upbeat and is still learning new words and mannerisms. Marine is a werewolf who seems hellbent on 'The Revolution', opposed to 'the man' and very excitable.

Since the assault on the Master happened by the Grim Future Maids, the mansion has increased security measures, more guards on the roof and an automatic bee-assault for any unauthorised people on the premises. However because of this there is no phone reception inside, and we can no longer get food drops via helicopter.

We go food shopping for the fortnight, but on the way back to the tram we bump into three people wearing a mix of maid and casual buisness suit outfits, a human (Conny Salazar) an elf and a mermaid in a fishball-wheelchair kind of thing. They tell us that we haven't signed up for the 'Maid Registry' and insists we join up, although Marine and Maria are for it, Kumoko and Garrett aren't so sure. In response to this one of them brandishes a flute and seems to summon a flaming giant squid onto the roof of our mansion.

(and another one to another building after Garrett is sceptical, thinking the flute and the summoning was coincidental)

We return to the mansion, Marine is confident she can persuade everyone to sign up and goes to make some customised propaganda panphlets, Garrett and Kumoko decide to ask the Master about the situation (Mr Oranges was asked earlier but he wasn't very helpful, other than not liking the Maid Registry). Garrett shares a cute moment of trying out slang, to which Kumoko humours him with a pat on the shoulder.

The Master is relieved that the two refused the registry and gives his blessing to deal with the situation however we see fit, allowing anything we feel we might need.

Kumoko shares a plan with Garrett to try and convince Marine that we're registering, just to keep her happy, when actually we destroy the registry HQ, which is in Big City. Unfortunately the attempt to convince her we changed our minds went horrible, our lies failing so badly it enraged the pond dragon outside her room into attacking us.

A little later, police arrive at the mansion to question us about buildings having flaming giant sealife crashing on them, claiming we were suspects, after being held in a waiting room for 1.5 hours, Kumoko gets impatient and tries to open the lock with a key from her bag, it doesn't work, though shortly after gunfire is heard outside and Marine just molotovs the door open.

Fighting the cops is a large Bugbear guy with communist symbols on his uniform's lapel, wielding a giant gatling gun. Marine immediately gets over-excited and uses her C4 to blow up several groups of police, shouting about the revolution beginning.

On the way out, Kumoko tries her key on the police's garage, finding a room full of various cyborg sea creatures, though when trying to activate and reprogram them Garrett sets off the alarm, prompting us to retreat.


---17th January---

A month has passed and since then the nearby village has been under marshal law and the maids have been confined to the mansion, during which time not much happens, though Marine occasionally sneaks out for her revolution meetings with people.

We are sent on a mission to take pictures of cars coming and going on a road to the Big City, we decide that's boring and that if we destroy the road instead there would be nothing to photograph. Garrett melts part of the road with his laser eyes and Kumoko's stand tries to punch the now weakened road, but gets her hands stuck in there.

We duct tape a camera to Garrett's head using tape procured from Kumoko's bag (clearly the best use of the magic bag), Marine gets a phonecall from the bugbear from the police station who was killing everyone, he wants Marine and her team for a mission, Maria and Garrett refuse to go, but Kumoko manages to persuade Marine to pay her to go by wording it in a non-capitalist way. "How about you be nice and give me 3 dollars, and then unrelatedly... I will be nice and go with you"

Marine crafts up a sign to place on the road saying something like "Please come help me I'm stuck : Kumoko" and she drags Kumoko off to meet the bugbear, though she doesn't really care much for the revolution, and on failing to replicate the communist sign, Marine hits her.

The bugbear has a problem with the Aquatic Cyborg things that we saw in the police garage last time, they're out and patrolling Big City. He wants their cores and requests we get one of them. Kumoko objects saying that she saw them first and she wants them, Marine hits her again but the bugbear says if they can get two cores then he'll see about giving her one of the cyborgs.

Meanwhile back on the road, Conny Salazar along with a little imp girl appear through a green wormhole and start insisting on us either joining the maid registry, or stop working as maids, she threatens Maria with a gun.

Marine and Kumoko go to the closest Aquatic Cyborg, a hermit crab at the post office, it tells us to keep our distance, so Marine charges at it with her chainsaw, Kumoko takes to the air as it launches a canister of some kind of crowd-control gas, causing Marine to get drowsy. Kumoko tries to damage it but without her stand it doesn't go very well, she gets electrocuted and then decides to pretend to comply with its constant stand down command while Marine gets up the stairs of the post office. She also tries to fake a fit but fails, the hermit crab says that insulting a police officer is a felony offence, which Kumoko gets annoyed at claiming a stupid cyborg crab shouldn't have a concept of insults.

Marine finally arrives and starts carving up the crab with her chainsaw, Kumoko takes a break and texts Garrett to see if he can come and help, though he replies in binary for some reason and Kumoko doesn't have a translator on her phone. Marine eventually wrecks the thing and grabs the core, Kumoko flys her off the roof as security is on route.

Marine and Kumoko drop by the bugbear's place and hand over the core, deciding to not go after a second right now as they were both pretty injured in the fight, he's impressed we managed to get one so quickly and gives us extremely high praise. Kumoko tries to just magically pull a second core out of her bag but instead pulls out a 'chicken core', she tries to hand it over anyway and the bugbear just looks at her in dissapointment... and Marine hits her again.

Marine and Kumoko go back to the road to meet back up with the others, Kumoko tries once again to convince Marine that the Maid Registry isn't the revolution but doesn't get far in the arguement, so instead asks Conny if she's a communist, she doesn't answer directly so Kumoko keeps pressing her and in answer Conny shoots Maria in the head, triggering her stress explosion of praying.

Kumoko uppercuts her in response, sending her flying up into the air and crashing down and breaking her little chair she brought with her through the portal. Conny retreats but we grab her little imp friend to get some information out of her.

We find out that although there's a branch HQ of the Maid Registry in Big City, the main HQ is in 'At the Horizon' and is ruled over by a council of twelve maids, supposedly the most powerful in the world, and they keep the favour in some kind of giant favour cloud. Kumoko decides she might be of more use and restrains her rather than letting her go, Marine disapproves and tries to force her since she 'owns her for the day', but graciously accepts a refund instead when Kumoko refuses.

Around this time Elda arrives, covered in blood.. which noone questions, probably the smart move. A small arguement breaks out when Marine accidently infers that robots are below people, Kumoko tries to cheer Garrett up while defending him, calling him a sweetie, and then looking up the dictionary reference for him. Elda also gets in a scuffle with Marine after Kumoko asks her to help talk sense into her about the whole revolution thing.

After one whole car passes by (which Garrett is super excited to photograph) our driver comes by to pick us up, he's reluctant to let us bring our hostage back with us but Elda uses her jedi mind tricks on him and we all head home to the mansion.

Everyone except Marine go to secure the imp girl in the 'empty and useless' room as a makeshift cell while Marine goes to tell on us to the master. I inform Elda that the imp girl can teleport so we need to keep her hands bound, she interprets this as an opportunity to simply cut her hands off, knowing Garrett probably wouldn't approve we tell him to go show his recordings to the master and to tell him about all the exciting new words he has learned today.

Unfortunately the little imp girl proves too lucky as she manages to escape Kumoko's grasp and gets freed of her bonds by Kumoko's stand missing a karate chop, leading to her teleporting away, Elda considers way of tracking her teleportation trail and after asking Mr Oranges about witches for hire we're informed of a 'Goblet of Finding' for use at the local library.

Elda and Kumoko go for a road trip the the library, damaging the car on the melty road trench along the way. We look at some books and learn of different coloured spells having different effects, for example the green portal is a two-way portal that can penetrate protective fields.

We use the Goblet of Finding with the duct tape we had tied the girl up with, but all it shows is an image of Kumoko's bag... seemingly there wasn't sufficient DNA on it to track the girl. Out of options we simply rehas the plan to join the registry just so we can get in and destroy it from within, leaving the task of convincing Garrett to Elda.

On the way back Elda and Kumoko get icecream, the end.


---24th January---

Immediately after, Elda tries to persuade Garrett about the Maid Registry, he's unconvinced and wants to ask the Master directly, Kumoko pulls out a low quality, but audible recording of the Master saying "If those people were getting in the way he'd look the other way if we decide to deal with the problem". This still doesn't really seem to win him over, but he doesn't pursue asking the Master.

A day passes and the Master has decided to assign us some social work to improve our image to the town, who are fairly scared of us by now. The mayor and the rest of the town are concerned because a DnD Tarrasque by the name of Karl Buffalo is on his way to the town, they want us to stop that from happening. Before we set out to plan Kumoko tries to pull out an Anti-Tarrasque Laser from her bag, but only manages to pull out a toy laser gun complete with lights and sound effects, she gives it to Garrett.

We decide to take the mansion's helicopter out to try and speak with Karl, Marine and Kumoko both adamant they can drive, so they take turns.. Marine starts and goes from an iffy takeoff to a shakey ride over, so shakey it bounces around Maria and Garrett to the point of injury. Near the Tarrasque Kumoko takes over, boasting to show how to really drive a helicopter. (Though she can actually fly better)

As we get closer to Karl we can see he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a sunhat, Marine brings out the helicopter's megaphone to talk to him but just uses it as an opportunity to talk about the revolution, Kumoko wrestles it out of her hands and after a brief hushed chat about priorities, gives it back to her.

Unfortunately her attempts to redirect him to another town doesn't work, Karl doesn't really seem to care as he's hellbent on visiting Nearby Village as part of his walking holiday.

Annoyed at his lack of cooperation, Kumoko hits the big red button and fires a volley of missiles at the Tarrasque's eyes, though it doesn't seem to do much. Garrett blasts it with his shrink-ray, reducing it from large building size to house size, this confuses and angers him... and after Maria attempts to seize the megaphone from Marine ends in failure, Garrett simply doses him after with the shrink ray, bringing him down to about the size of a van.

At this point Karl gets angrier and realises who's shrinking him (not the curse of the town as we tried to tell him) and starts charging energy in his mouth, unleashing it as a giant death laser at the helicopter. Kumoko decides the best way to avoid this is to turn off the engine of the helicopter.... which does manage to dodge, but with no chance of getting the engine back on in time everyone jumps out and parachutes down, Garrett immediately shrink raying again on landing and bringing Karl down to the size of an average person.

Marine tries to reason once more with the megaphone, telling the truth about why we're here but turns it into her own agenda to get various politicians and the mayor of the town killed, Karl doesn't understand why just nuking the town wouldn't be better and laments that it's lame to be person-sized and it'll make his holiday much less enjoyable. Kumoko pulls out a jetpack from her bag and gives it to him, saying he can soar up in the air and just view the town from above instead, though she didn't pull out one that would fit him... she tells him to put it around his neck, but Karl's having none of it and gets pissed off, realising we're trying to trick him.

Annoyed with how unreasonable and unstoppable he seemingly is, we decide that since he's person-sized he can't possibly be a threat
to the town, so we head back to the mansion.

30 minutes later there's an explosion in town, Kumoko flys up to see what's up and sees Karl on a bench very close to where it happened, shortly after another explosion happens so we go over to take care of it since shrinking Karl down didn't seem to make him less of a threat to the town.

Garrett attempts to use some kind of quick-drying cement trap on him, but because of Marine's 'help' he accidently just traps himself instead. Elda shoots it in the mouth with Kumoko's aim assist tripod formation, figuring it would be weak inside... but it still does nothing.

Frustrated, Kumoko just starts shouting her anger at him with the megaphone, and Elda decides to start telling yo momma jokes at it, though she apparently doesn't know any as she pauses half-way through to look one up on her phone. This annoys Karl and he starts charging his laser again.

Kumoko's bag malfunctions as she tries to pull out a magic mirror to deflect the laser, instead pulling out a magic mirror that shows your dead self if you look into it, when the dead Kumoko starts reaching through the mirror at her she freaks out and throws it at Karl.

Garrett blasts Karl with the shrink ray again, reducing him to the size of a dog. Elda recalls she has a wizard in her fighting arena and rings him up, but he's not in so she leaves a message. Still not really getting anywhere Kumoko tries to use Karl to her advantage by telling him that if he destroys the Cyborg Aquatics (who have joined the cops trying to shoot him down, to no avail of course) then the town will leave him alone, she says the Cyborgs are part of a racist organisation that specifically hates Tarrasques, Karl is surprised as he wasn't even paying attention to his surroundings, and despite being dog-sized now starts dragging two of them to the shore to dump in the ocean.

During this time we all raid a nearby pharmacy, figuring that since nothing we've tried has really hurt him, perhaps drugs are the answer. We concoct some kind of sleep aerosol spray by grinding down all the ambien in stock, Kumoko picks up Elda to get an aerial
swoop attack, but her arms slip and she drops Elda. We get mad and start shouting at him again, questioning how blowing up buildings is fun for him and whether he cares about the people in the town (he doesn't), and about halfway through him explaining himself Elda manages to get the spray off and he falls asleep.

Not content with simply putting him asleep, we all decide he's caused far too much trouble and needs to be killed, so we take him to the pharmacy and start dosing him with all the methadone we can find, after a short amount of time he finally stops breathing.

Kumoko kicks him a couple times to make sure he's dead, and then does a football pass to Garrett, who brings it outside to display our victory to the crowd outside (a crowd of like six people, but still). He throws it down on the ground and it splats open. (Elda quickly nips to a nearby store to grab a victory vuvuzela)

One guy in the crowd tries to bring us down by blaming us for the damage to the town, but he quickly runs away as Kumoko approaches him. We take a commemorative photo with the corpse. (Kumoko crouching, doing the V sign with all six hands, Elda doing a duckface and Garrett just in the background with a sign he made earlier that says "I'm helping")


---31st January---

After the success of beating the Tarrasque menace, the Master finances the rebuilding of the town, further repairing our reputation.

3 Days Later...

Marine has received a message from the communist bear to meet him, with the entire team, knowing we probably wouldn't follow her for that she lies and says the Master, along with Mr Oranges and other important staff are in town, to celebrate the 'anniversary of the master', Kumoko and Garrett get very excited at the idea of the Master's birthday and we decide we can't just go and meet him, we need to make a cake.

We all help and make the best three-layer cake possible, it has a little communist emblem on top, a little christian cross, and a little spider as decorations. Garrett thinks it would be a good idea to bring the entire goblin staff, so he asks the nearest one if they want to go and shows off the cake, the goblin tries to touch the cake despite warnings and Kumoko slaps him away.

We realise we don't know how old the master is, Garrett starts harrassing goblins just shouting out "How old is the master?", we also make a personalised card for him, (Unfortunately without glitter as the mansion has none) Which we all sign, Maria adding a bible verse "Happy Birthday from Jesus, 9-38".

Marine tries to urge us on to meeting him and pretends to call up the master before anyone else can, we all believe she's speaking to him and quickly box the cake (Lovingly decorated by Marine and Maria, complete with balloons, and on one side a smiling Jesus, the other a smiling Stalin, if you turn the box the right way they're fist bumping.)

Elda posits that the Master might enjoy being shot as a birthday present.. we try and put her off that particular idea. (Well, except for Marine).

Either way, we drive up to the coffee shop that Marine and Kumoko met the bear in before, we go in and the Master isn't there, nor any of the other staff.. however the bear is there, Marine goes over to greet him, but the others being perplexed start to question.

Garrett asks the barkeep if anyone fitting their description was in here and he says no, so Kumoko rings up the Master and he says he's in his office, that it's not his birthday (which is in May) and it isn't an anniversary or anything (he's not married either), he says he's busy and hangs up.

Confused by this Kumoko gives Marine the evil eye, Garrett suggests to ring back and ask if it's hanukkah... so Kumoko does, he says it's not hanukkah and then Garrett starts making up days to celebrate such as "Cool boss day", Elda also interrupts and tells him she's pregnant with his baby, but he's having none of it and hangs up again.

Maria suddenly realises it's Saint Samuel the Shoemaker Day (A real holiday) so we could celebrate that. We decide to listen to the bear since he's there, the bear brings up that several of the aquatic cyborgs have gone missing, Kumoko tells him at least two are at the bottom of the sea now, and manages to pull out a real Engine Core from her bag... however the bear doesn't want to honour the original deal.

Instead he gives us 3 photographs of top capitalist people he wants either murdered or brought back for brainwashing, they are as follows.

Donavan Silver - The mad man on the mountain : Our Master
Gregor Cruncklesnap - The king of the underworld : A frog with a beard
Sacha McKelvin - Fairy princess of the island on the lake : Some kind of tree person

Kumoko and Garrett immediately protest about harming or brainwashing the Master in any fashion, he says he only needs one of these three 'for now', Kumoko threatens action if any move is taken on the Master.

Kumoko asks the bear what his stance on the Maid Registry is, he says it's a terrible capitalist organisation and the reason he wants our help is because we're unregistered Maids, hearing this Marine immediately changes her mind about the registry, Kumoko groans.

After the talk Garrett gets upset that Marine lied to bring us here to talk about the revolution (especially since only Marine and Kumoko really knew what was going on, and even then Kumoko only wanted to get her cool Aquatic Cyborgs) He throws our cake in her face, Kumoko eats some of it so it doesn't go to waste (it's delicious). He tears up the card we made and walks out, Kumoko tries to apologise saying she didn't know the Master wasn't here, and both her and Maria hug Garrett to try and make him feel better... he doesn't really respond and walks all the way to his Nun contact at her church, dragging us along with him since we refuse to unhug.

His Nun friend is called Sister Jeffery Junior (probably spelled that wrong), he talks with her about how Marine lying to him hurt him and she tries to salve the situation. Later we return to the mansion, though Garrett takes the long walk back with Kumoko still hug-grappling him.

Early morning the next day, 3 am.

Everyone is asleep except for Kumoko, Garrett and Marine, Garrett is apparently listening to death metal (though he does not understand it at all) and Kumoko is watching 'questionable anime' on her computer. (AOD suggests it involves muscley men with glistening sweat) She is interrupted as she feels a presence in her room and looks around to find an unknown Maid wearing a dress with the american flag's colours and stars on it as well as a dollar sign pin, weilding two weapons containing circular saws.

She wants to know if this is the mansion where Elda lives, Kumoko's reluctant to tell her anything and all she gets out of her is that Elda hurt her friend (presumably the imp girl). Kumoko tells her to drop her weapons and she might talk, and after she turns the saws off Kumoko's stand lunges at her, though she retaliates by destroying Kumoko's computer.

Severely pissed off but reluctant to risk her breaking more of her stuff, Kumoko says she'll lead her to Elda's room, though she brings her to the pond outside Marine's room instead and then points. The intruder crosses the pond with little effort and sneaks a peak into Marine's room (who is currently angry-blogging about communism).

Marine notices her and on seeing her dress immediately attacks her with her chainsaw for wearing such capitalist clothing, they clash saws briefly but the intruder has no interest in the fight as she only wants Elda, she gets a whistle out and blows a tune into it, a giant eagle crashing in through the wall to aide in her escape.

Marine quickly attaches C4 to the eagle and blows it up and out the hole in the wall, she quickly runs after it and starts absolutely butchering it with her chainsaw. Around this time Garrett has gone to the kitchen and back to get some warm milk, but somehow he doesn't hear the explosion... neither does Maria, but it wakes Elda up.

The intruder tries to attack Marine while she's destroying the eagle, but Marine just effortlessly parries her once again, asking her "Dark meat or light?" cockily. She tries to run away but fails to get across the pond, a mysterious force from it knocking her into Marine's room.

Elda walks out into the corridors to see what's happening (in her nighty and bonnet) and sees Kumoko standing at the edge of Marine's pond looking at her room, she tells Elda about the intruder and gets all upset about her computer being destroyed, saying her anime was just getting to the good part.

As Elda comes over the intruder immediately attacks her with her circular saw weapons, which can now shoot out the blades, they stick into Elda's gut but she's fine. Elda manage to use her mind powers to have her drop her weapons and surrender, but she fails to cross the pond, annoyed she goes to get Garrett's assistance. The intruder takes this opportunity to leg it out of the hole in the wall, Kumoko tries to stop her, managing to traverse the pond but then slipping and falling over on a mound of communist panphlets Marine had left on the floor.

Elda asks Garrett for the use of his shrink ray and gives him a little pep talk about friends, saying she likes that he is big and made of metal, which are apparently 'charming' attributes. She returns to the pond with Garrett in tow but at this point the intruder has gotten away, Marine failing to notice her as she's concentrating on carving up the eagle. Kumoko rips up some of the panphlets in frustration.

At the end of the day after everyone has turned in, Kumoko tries to replace her broken computer by using her bag, she pulls out a toddler's learning computer toy, hiding it behind her back she quickly sneaks into Garrett's room and hides it for him to find later.

---7th February---

The next day once everyone has properly woken up, we gather for a mansion meeting about the attack last night and consider plans of retaliation against the Maid Registry. Kumoko continues to lament about her broken computer (named Computy, whom Elda suggests is Garrett's aunt to try and rile him into helping) and Elda makes a grand speech to get everyone in the mood for swift justice!

Elda wants to take the fight to the main HQ in 'On the Horizon'. (In which time raocow explains a bit of how the layout of the world is, On the Horizon being a central continent with five others branching out from that point, like a flower or something) Though Kumoko thinks that would be a bad idea to just go straight for that and that we should concentrate our efforts on the Big City branch, the current plan to kidnap the manager so we can get information.

We google to see if there's any Maid conventions or other such meetings going on but it would seem that's not public information, so we just decide to drive to the Big City Maid Registry HQ and take things from there, Garrett has a sudden need to clean his room so he stays behind.

We arrive at the HQ building, it's three stories high and looks a bit like an old library. We consider our options and decide to go in there disguised, Kumoko attempts to pull out an 'old lady maid' disguise... and ends up pulling out an old lady's corpse instead wearing a bathrobe. We dispose of it in a nearby alleyway with dumpsters and move on.

Kumoko flies Maria and Elda up to the roof one by one and using a firing pin from Elda's gun, we lockpick the roof's door.. however an alarm sounds as soon as it's opened. We hide and wait for a security guard to come up, Kumoko makes SWAT-style gestures to Elda despite not actually knowing any, Elda nods.

A giant salamander in a guard's uniform comes out of the door, Elda immediately uses her mind powers on him to tell him it was a false alarm, that he's having a bad day and can't be bothered to investigate further. It works and he leaves, allowing us to start sneaking down the stairs.

Kumoko's stealth field (I guess.. I don't really know how it works myself) keeps them unnoticed as they walk through the hallway inspecting the doors, eventually we find the manager's room, Jenna Treefellow. Her door is the size of a garage door, the carpet poking out from the bottom is wet. ('AOD : Can I smell the carpet?')

Kumoko questions why someone would have carpet in their office if they needed a wet environment and Elda gets mad at her for asking weird questions at crucial times, either way we knock on the door and get called in.

The manager is a Kraken sitting on some kind of portal-disc leading to a body of water. We have a quick huddle to whisper out our plan, abducting a kraken is probably out of the question so Elda posits we should extract her brain so we can bring it back to the mansion and then figure out a way to get the information out of it.

Maria wants nothing to do with it, but Kumoko brings up that time in the bible where god killed a kraken and took its brain out because it was evil, Elda somehow manages to persuade Maria that this passage is actually in the bible, so she agrees to the plan but doesn't want to physically participate.

We tell Jenna we're sorry and we think we got the wrong door and she asks where we wanted to go, Elda replies she wanted to get to the records room and Jenna asks us why we don't have the app on our phone for things like that. At this point we know we've tipped her off and notice she's reaching for a button with one of her tentacles, Kumoko immediately send out her stand to grapple the tentacle away, and although she does.. she does it too close to the base and Jenna manages to hit the button anyway, sounding the alarm again.

We leg it back to the roof, Kumoko takes Maria down to the alleyway but before she can come back for Elda she gets cornered by the salamander guard once again, he threatens her with a taser... and having not had time to reassemble her gun, Elda decides to jump off the roof. She manages to grab a ledge on the second floor and get into a locker room through the window.

Kumoko gets back to the roof and there's nobody there anymore. She texts Maria to inform her and she replies back "Let's just leave Elda I'm sure she can hold her own, she had the stupid idea anyways" followed by some weird emojis. Kumoko flys back to Maria and says Elda would probably be mad if we left her there. Maria replies with a bible verse. "Be passive and never assert yourself : Jesus 9:41".

Kumoko doesn't quite know how to argue with that, so decides to do some 'non-murdery' investigation, noticing there's a pub basically opposite the HQ building. Maria doesn't like the idea as pubs are full of vices, but Kumoko argues that pubs are 'less sinny' than ripping out body parts.

Maria refuses to go into the pub so she waits outside, Kumoko enters "The Smelly Nose" pub, the barkeep is an Ent, Kumoko starts trying to probe information out of him, pretending she has a terrible memory and seeing if he can fill in the blanks for her. (despite terrible acting on her part, the Ent is friendly enough to ablidge)

The Ent is 3000 years old and existed in the area as a tree way before the Big City was even constructed, his memory is basically flawless and he can remember any face he's seen before. Kumoko asks if he's seen a maid with the american flag as her dress, saying she's gone missing and she's trying to gather as much information to help track her down.

He says that she was in here with her friends 2 days ago, identifying american flag circular saw maid as Amber, the little imp girl as Springleaf and the elven girl who was with Conny and the mermaid on their first encounter, Flaren. He says Flaren is always eating her own food and it's annoying. Conny was with them as well, he referred to them as 'The enforcer squad' and that they generally come in on a tuesday.

On further probing he talks about how Springleaf recently got attacked, apparently she's very popular so everyone is feeling for her. Kumoko says that's a real shame (by this point the Ent has given her a glass of cider) and drinks, though quickly realises it's non-alcoholic cider, she demands proper cider but the legal drinking age is 18, she's only 17. She looks at her mansion ID card and excuses herself to the toilets, using her silk she alters in a date of birth section to lie about her age.

She comes back and gets her alcoholic cider, pretending to have a brainfart again about when the next Maid Conference is, apparently the last one was 3 weeks ago and it's generally every 2 months. But he did say the next one is local and in a few days or so, he didn't have exact details unfortunately.

Meanwhile Elda waits out the alarm by hiding herself in a locker, once it finally stops she tries to open some of the lockers.. convinced she knows what she's doing, but she ends up just spinning the combination lock around and around to no avail. Not getting anywhere she leaves the HQ building with no incidents.

Seeing Maria across the street Elda goes up and they start argueing, Maria suddenly being very outspoken and sassy towards Elda and telling her how stupid her plan was.

Maria : You're full of sin!
Elda : Yeah, well you're full of shit!

Elda asks where Kumoko is and enters the pub, ordering a pint of beer, she manages to convince him that she's of legal age. (which she is, she just happens to look 12). Kumoko relays the information she got from the barkeep in a terribly acted way as to not tip him off, Elda vents her frustration about Maria being all holier-than-thou all the time so Kumoko takes the opportunity to tell her that leaving her in the HQ building was Maria's idea.

We decide to leave after our drinks and Kumoko asks the barkeep how many free drinks maids are entitled to, he chuckles and says that's not a thing and that we need to pay with either money or favour.

Kumoko pats down her dress and exclaims out loud "Oh no I left my wallet that has my money and also my favour at home!", Elda pays for it in the end, though managing to knock a whole 6 dollars off of it. We get the barkeep's name (Bernard, Big B the Tree) and Elda does a high-five, fist bump, swoosh.. thing (does that even have a name?) and we leave. Kumoko apologises for Elda having to pay, saying she thought it was just a perk of the Maid Registry or something. She does show off her masterfully edited ID card however, still proud she managed to pull it off.

We return to the mansion and start thinking about our next move, Elda wants to post a bomb to Jenna, though she is quickly convinced that wouldn't really do anything and that we should concentrate on Amber. We look up the maid registry website and listed under staff we manage to get the surnames of some of the maids we've come across, including the name of the mermaid maid who was with Conny and Flaren.

Amber Chrisopher, Springleaf Middleton, Flaren Dragonspan and Myr Bottledrop.

After some brainstorming we reckon that if we use the Goblet in the library with meat from the eagle, we might be able to track down where Amber lives. Thankfully Marine had kept all the meat as she was planning on cooking the whole thing for us, Kumoko grabs a small sample to use in the goblet, and also hides away an additional portion to eat later.

While Kumoko is doing this, Elda writes in her diary (a creepy looking book made from 'human leather', complete with an apparently alive eyeball) that she really wants to see Kumoko eat someone like a spider, cocooning them and dissolving them with acid and everything.

We drive to the library and stick the meat in the goblet. Because the eagle is dead it shows us an abridged version of its life, from a baby eagle to getting captured, freed by Amber and trained by her, eventually becoming her Maid Item. During the video there are instances showing off Amber's home, although we can't quite identify the house number or anything, we do recognise it's in a large field that we've been to before, the place the Tarrasque was walking through to get to Big City.

We decide the best course of action is to blow her house up, unfortunately the Master has yet to replace the helicopter, so we ask Mr Oranges if we can borrow one of the two tanks in the garage. He's very iffy about letting us take them, claiming that part of our training is to solve things ourselves, without use of any of the mansion's equipment. Elda gets extremely annoyed at his lack of cooperation.

We head off to ask the Master directly instead, he says the tanks are very important to him and he reminisces about his time driving the tanks on the battlefield. Marine gets very passionate about us blowing up Amber's house, grabbing him by the collar and saying Amber's kind believe in a system of have and have nots, the Master reassures her that she can achieve her goals, just not with the tanks. Elda asks if he has a jet fighter, he replies he has access to one but it costs about 20000 dollars to order an airstrike.

Deciding that destroying the american-flag maid with something so american as a carpet bombing from a jet would not only be cooler, but make more of a statement, we decide to go with that plan rather than just going to her house and killing her. So we decide that next time, we'll rob an armoured car to get the money.

Random WTF snippet from this episode! When Kumoko was lockpicking the door it took a while and she started to sweat.
AOD : I lick the sweat
Kumoko : Elda... I can't concentrate if you're licking me
Elda : Oh come on you know you like it.
Pyro : UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

---12th February---

The Master has given us two weeks off standard missions so we can gather up the funds for the jet bomber, Garrett and Maria suggest
a bakesake since we made that really good cake once, but we try and wrench it back to the original robbery plan.

Garrett accidently calls Marine Mongaloid, having a habit of referring to her just by M words. We try to convince Garrett to go along with the plan since he's usually somewhat of a pacifist, Kumoko reminds him the one they want to bomb 'killed' her computer (it's in silicon heaven now according to Garrett), and tried to kill Elda.

Marine tells Garrett that we're the only ones to take lives, and Garrett comes to the conclusion that it's fair to kill her considering her actions, to help reinforce this Marine tries to teach Garrett some synonyms, such as "Capitalist = Enemy" and "Stalin = Jesus", the second one makes him break down for a minute.

For some reason the conversation turns to Garrett's use of bathrooms, where he doesn't actually use them.. as he is a robot, he just pretends to use them, hovering above the toilet rather than sitting as he'd probably break it, he'll often look in the mirrors and meditate on the meaning of life.

To prepare for the mission, Marine manages to get 6 lots of C4 from the Master with very little effort, Kumoko also takes one of the mansions sewing machines and tries to make Maid Registry-looking uniforms for everybody, both a disguise and a possible hit against the Maid Registry. (The one she makes for Elda is pink)

We go over to the Nearby Village and stake out the bank for a bit, Kumoko and Elda hanging around it, while the other three go off to a nearby subway, where Marine tries to start a union and Maria just starts doing a sermon at one of the tables.

Marine starts trying to rile up the employees "Sandwich artist is the slavename for subway worker", they reply saying that if they formed a union they'd probably get fired, Marine just gets excited by that. "Good! Then you can fire them with real fire!", shortly after the conversation ends, Marine tries to set the subway on fire and gets kicked out.

Marine stays outside the subway and stands her ground as police arrive, shouting various things at them with her megaphone. "We are the subway sandwich artists of the future!" The cop (a bull) tries to get her to stand down but she instead attacks him (obviously)

She manages to deal a quite grueling blow to him with her chainsaw, he struggles to parry her away, sending sparks everywhere. But in the end he loses his strength and she cuts him deep in the neck and eventually decapitates him.

More police arrive, a turtle cop and his partner, this time brandishing guns rather than billy clubs, Marine runs off and somehow manages to escape them, eventually heading into the sewers.

After having no luck at the bank, Elda and Kumoko move to the local jewelry shop, since the bank's van would probably at some point go there as well. Elda goes in to try and ask him when the bank van is scheduled to be there, she does an amazingly terrible job and the guy behind the counter, a gnome, immediately pulls out his shotgun... and when Elda won't leave, hits the red button under the counter to alert the police. (She tries to tell him she's a connoisseur of bank truck schedules, similar to trainsspotting and the like)

Elda flees the shop and hides in a nearby dumpster in the alleyway as the cops close in. At 10pm, Kumoko finally spots a bank van on the way from the jewelry shop's roof, she sends a group text message that just says "VAN!", followed shortly by "Gaiz seriously", and goes down to join Elda. Nobody replies, so Kumoko flies off to subway to get them, while Elda makes a sign out of a sheet of cardboard that reads "Stop now! Your life is in danger", trying to use her mind powers to have the van driver stop.

Kumoko gets to the subway and grabs Garrett, asking where Marine went. He apparently turned off his hearing and didn't pay attention to the little showdown outside earlier, he says that it's generally a good idea to 'not' keep an eye on Marine, which Kumoko admits is a fair point.

Kumoko grabs Maria's bible off of her as she's immersed in her sermon.

Maria : How could you do this to me!?
Kumoko : ... uh... it's a test of faith!

This is apparently enough to make Maria get on board, we all rush out of the subway and back in the direction of the van. During this Marine texts back from the sewers asking where, with the communist symbol emoji after it, she quickly replies on route.

The van slows down, the driver (some kind of serpent guy) tells Elda to get out of the way, at this point the rest of the team is close enough and Kumoko's stand tries to crash in through the window to smack the driver... instead she just collides with the van as the driver has more than enough time to see it coming and floors it. Garrett tries to shrink one of the van's tyres quickly, but also manages to miss.

Kumoko breaks into a nearby car and tries to hotwire it, not well. She yells over to Garrett if he knows how to do it, and for some reason hotwiring skills are actually in his database, it'll take him a few minutes, but he eventually manages to do it. While doing so Kumoko grabs Elda and flys towards the van, she clumsily drops her onto the van's roof but thankfully Elda manages to hang on.

Elda calls up for a blowtorch, which Kumoko manages to successfully grab from her bag and throw to her, but apparently Elda was still shaken from hitting the van's roof so roughly and she drops the blowtorch in such a way that the tank explodes and knocks her off the van and onto the pavement.

(At this point some players realise they have power upgrade points remaining, so Marine's chainsaws can now light on fire at will, Maria also considers making it so her bible can shoot holy bullets, a bible turret.)

Marine, now in the car with Garrett and Marine chasing after the van, turns on her chainsaws while still in the car and cuts a makeshift sunroof, part of the roof falls on Maria's head. Marine yells at the now three cop cars chasing after them.

Meanwhile Kumoko flys back to Elda to make sure she's alright, Elda questions why she isn't going after the van and Kumoko reassures her they can still catch up. (At this point Pyro says "KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" very menacingly)

One police car has stopped for Elda and Kumoko, we try to reason with them, saying we were attacked by Marine and we need the car to chase after them, claiming we're from the Maid Registry and have authority, and trying Elda's mind tricks... nothing seems to work, even threatening them.

"Your family will find it difficulty to progress in the morning........ to live"

Impatient, Elda shoots one of the officers in the neck, instantly taking him down. Kumoko's stand attacks the other officer but he manages to take cover behind the car door, he shoots Elda in the shoulder and Kumoko's stand tries to get a better angle and attacks him again, the officer grabs one of the stand's arms and manages to pin her down on the ground.

Elda loots the dead officer, getting his club and a picture of his large family with him in the middle, all smiling. (Off in the distance, Marine smiles for some reason)

Elda and Kumoko bum rush the officer, he manages to fend off both of us, though we distract him enough to prevent him handcuffing the stand.

Elda tries to shoot him with the other officer's gun at point blank range... and misses, Kumoko tries to get in close again but gets punched in the stomach. Elda takes the opportunity to just get in the police car, the engine's still running and everything.

Kumoko quickly, though a little bumpily gets in the car and they drive off, leaving the stand to get arrested. The van is the priority after all.

Meanwhile, the Van has made it to the highway, still speeding like mad to get away. Garrett tries to get Maria to shoot at the cops following them "Maria has to shoot these badguys for the lord!" "God helps those who help themselves, smite them down!". He doesn't manage to convince her to take the gun, so instead asks her to take over driving so he can laser-eye them.

Unfortunately Garrett doesn't realise he needs to keep his foot on the accelerator while moving to let Maria scooch over and the car completely loses control, spins and falls over to the side of the road. Maria stress explodes and starts praying in a foetal position. Marine revs her chainsaw in a concerned way for her.

Garrett exits the car and hides in a nearby bush, Marine gets out and stands her ground, waiting for the cop cars to descent on her.

Elda and Kumoko manage to catch up to the three cop cars that were chasing Garrett and co, she rams into one of them and sends it spiralling into one of the others, grinding both of them to a halt, Kumoko gets hurt in the exchange as Elda forgets to tell her to brace. We speed up to the side of the last police car and Kumoko uses a shotgun from the car... to great effect. (raocow simply puts it "The windshield becomes red")

We stop the car briefly to get Marine and Garrett in, leaving Maria for now. Elda riles Marine with talk of destroying capitalism, and by pure luck there's some 'robot bonbons' in the backseat, on seeing this Garrett shouts "WOO!" and runs for the car, we start persuing the van again.

Garrett refuses to share his bonbons with Kumoko. :(

We start to lose speed, so we try to take out the van's back tyres, Kumoko borrows Elda's rifle and Garrett uses his revolver, we both manage to ace our shots and blow both tyres off, after about five minutes of trying to regain control, Marine cleaves into the side of the van with her chainsaw and it topples over on its side.

We get out and Marine declares "You're under arrest under the new order", Elda also uses her mind powers to force them to surrender or die. The driver and his buddy (a pigman) get out with their hands up. Elda really wants to run them over but Marine somehow convinces her to let them live, Marine shakes their hands and welcomes them aboard.. at this point they are very confused.

Kumoko tells them that if they behave they'll get out of this alive, and to make sure they know that they were robbed by Conny Salazar and the Maid Registry. Kumoko and Elda frisk them but don't find anything, Elda somehow drops her driver ID into the pigman's pocket.

We get them to open the van, and inside the total value of stuff is roughly $7600 of our $20000 total.

Elda contemplates harvesting the two's organs for the remaining money, but we just settle for grabbing the contents and driving off. Garrett and Elda make a pinky promise for Garrett to be patient while we load up the money, as he wanted to drive off immediately in fear of more police.

As we drive off, Kumoko notices she's still holding Maria's bible, we all have a "oh yeah" moment and remember to pick up Maria from the car wreck, as Kumoko puts the bible in Maria's arms it revives her instantly.

Unfortunately Kumoko's stand and the police officer are not where we left them, sensing her stand Kumoko knows that her hands are cuffed and she's currently sitting, next time we plan to spring her from jail, and possibly threaten an officer's family for the rest of the money.

(Other ideas to get the remainder of the money were a "bakesale ransom" and a "sexy Garrett carwash")

---21st February---

We return in the police car to the mansion, deciding to get in contact with Marine's bear friend. (Sturg jokes saying we need to
turn off the lights and say communism three times for him to appear)

We hide the car in the woods about a mile away from the mansion and head back inside, outside Marine's room Kumoko jumps into Garrett's arms and he launches her over the pond, she lands dramatically with a simultainous action pose and olympic finisher.

It doesn't take long for Kumoko to find Marine's journal, inside is a crude drawing of a bear with a number underneath, Kumoko adds it into her phone and tries to make it back over the pond (after showing off the picture to Maria and Garrett), she tries twice and gets repelled both times.

Reluctant to keep slamming her face against the pond's barrier, she asks Garrett to smash a hole in the wall into Marine's room so she can get out. We decide Marine might not notice if we cover it up with a large communist flag or something, so Kumoko tries to grab one from her bag.... instead she pulls out a small, very angry looking dragon.

The dragon starts to breathe dollar signs everywhere, wrecking Marine's room. Maria exclaims that "capitalism really is evil" and runs off, Garrett goes off as well. Kumoko goes to get the goblins to help her, she manages to get three to follow her to dispose of the dragon.

The dragon roars and scares one goblin away. One of the remaining two approaches it and immediately gets chomped on, the last goblin hesitantly looks back at Kumoko and she urges him ahead, pushing him from behind, he gets swatted against the wall by the dragon's tail and splats.

Kumoko decides the situation is fine and goes off, eventually the dragon finishes eating the goblins, breaks another wall and flys away from the mansion.

Shortly after the mansion's alarm sounds, followed by gunshots and bee-noises, we go to see what's happening and the mansion is getting assaulted by SWAT officers, the mansion's bee defence system and the living armours fending them off, though there appears to be a large entrenchment of them outside, demanding we surrender ourselves.

Eventually Mrs BizzBuzz shows up, blasting the remaining SWAT guys out with her psychic power and locks the doors.

Kumoko tries to get to the Master but everything is on lockdown, talking with Mrs Bizzbuzz doesn't help either as she's adamant she has things under control and that the lockdown needs to stay in place.

Kumoko goes to see what Garrett's doing and finds him in the kitchen baking a cake, she insists on helping and eventually they finish it, though Garrett doesn't know what flavour it is, nor what kind of cake he's made.

Maria comes in to try the cake, and on tasting it the kitchen glows a dark red. Strange runes and unholy scriptures appearing everywhere (She rolled four 1's to determine what the flavour was). We all decide its best we exit the kitchen, shortly after leaving the cake rumbles, and weird unknown sounds emanate from around it, the mansion defences eventually start to attack whatever is now in the kitchen, weird shadowy creatures grabbing at the living armour and pulling them in with lightning speed.

Kumoko asks if she can watch anime on Garrett's computer, which is apparently his sister. He says he doesn't know what she does in her free time.. and considering the situation doesn't seem to be getting any better, we decide to take our chances outside the mansion, we take a secret passage out and manage to sneak past the SWAT encampment.

Kumoko rings the bear on her phone when they're at a safe distance and asks if he'd be interested in a cop car, he says to meet up at the coffee shop. While we wait for him we listen to the police radio, the police seemed to have been tipped off when the bank van driver found Elda's drivers license in his coat.

The bear arrives and asks what we want for the car, Kumoko quotes the exact amount we need and he moans about how the revolution doesn't have much money, though he procures a briefcase with $10,000 anyway. Kumoko starts to count the money and takes the chance to pester him about the cyborg aquatics deal again, he says that has nothing to do with this deal, and Maria gives Kumoko a deathglare from behind, her arms spasming slightly as she resists the urge to strangle Kumoko.

We agree to the deal and take the money, the bear drives off and we wait until the coffee shop opens, on the TV it shows the siege in progress. Maria orders her usual 'jesus coffee', which is just an extremely watered down coffee with nothing in it.

As we're sitting around, Flaren the elf from the maid registry shows up and notices us, she sits down with us and giggles as she brings up the situation at our mansion.

Kumoko pretends to not know what she's talking about. "Oh hello fellow registered Maid! I do not believe we know each other!"

She doesn't fall for the act (I mean seriously, who would) and leans in to her. "Sure we do Kumoko", annoyingly putting emphasis on her name.

Flaren tries to break the ice with us, offering us weird little pink cubes of meat. (Some kind of elf delicacy made with raw mincemeat)

She asks us why we don't just join the registry, and that she's never known a group of people that get themselves into so much trouble. Garrett replies to this "We like to break records".

We just kinda brush off her advances on trying to get us to register and ask her if she was forced into the registry herself, she says it was her choice to join, Kumoko gives her a look and winks. "Ah yeah, joined of your own 'free will'", she talks like this a few more times as Flaren tries to explain that it really was.

Kumoko brings up maids from the registry that she has a problem with, naturally starting with Conny, labeling her a psychopath.

Flaren immediately shifts her tone and says that Conny is 'special', she leans in to tell us as secret after we promise not to tell. She says that in two weeks there's a maid conference, and that one of the twelve councilmaids will be in attendence.

She explains that Conny wouldn't normally be used for recruiting because she's not exactly a people-person, but the Big City branch will look incompetent to the council member if there were unregistered maids running around, hence Conny's constant attacks and insistance on joining up.

Kumoko then brings up Amber, though she refers to her as "crazy american flag saw lady", Flaren has to think for a moment before realising who she's talking about. She offers to call Amber so everyone can make friends and such. Maria and Garrett are confused and deny Amber's existance since they were asleep when it happened. Kumoko gets annoyed and raises her voice to them saying "IT HAPPENED YOU GUYS".

We pay attention to the news on the TV again, ominous black clouds have started forming above the mansion... and only above the mansion, it's basically clear skies everywhere else. Flaren says that the Maid Registry could get this kind of thing sorted out with their resources, we brush her off again saying the mansion can handle it. (Saying eventually the defences will just kill everyone, despite how many reinforcements)

Also shown on the TV are blurry images of us fighting the cops in the last session, and a clear image of Elda's photo ID. Kumoko
gasps and exclaims "Oh no! They've mistaken Elda for her twin sister!" Garrett assists. ".... Gelda!".

Flaren expresses concern for us, saying that things might escalate, mentioning the 'Law Elemental Squad', an elite team of elementals who are bulletproof and beeproof (presumably proofed against other things as well...) that could get sent in to finish the job.

While waiting for Amber to show up (which Kumoko is slightly nervous about, she thought it would just be a phone conversation), she and Flaren chat while Maria is engrossed with her bible. She talks about the kind of perks the registered maids have, saying that the higher up the chain you get, the less laws apply to you, and that the twelve councilmaids are basically outside the law and enforce justice on themselves if there's a problem.

When asked which member is coming to the meeting, Flaren says she doesn't know, but hopes that it's 'Xenar', as she thinks he's cool.

---7th March---

Marine joins us in the cafe and 10 minutes later Amber arrives, Marine immediately attacks her through the glass door and Amber parries with her own saws, Marine takes offence to this, shouting "Rude!". She provokes her further by insulting her eagle and reminding her that she killed it, with intention of eating it later.

They exchange a few more blows, Marine manages to get a pretty serious gut-wound on Amber and plants C4 in it, though the C4 screws up and does a very weak explosion, somehow not killing her. During this Garrett has excused himself to the toilets to stay out of it, and Kumoko got up to look around the place, Marine runs off just before detonating it.

Flaren is horrified at the events and goes to help Amber, calling us monsters for just being okay with Marine's actions. Kumoko tries to brush it off by saying that Amber clearly had 'murder in her eyes', Flaren says she tried but doesn't want to help us anymore and takes Amber home in her car.

Marine runs to the nearby park and hangs around for a moment, reminiscing about an earlier time when blew up a unicorn with C4, and Garrett had a wheelbarrow of meat for some reason. (I don't know)

Kumoko texts Marine to ask where she went, her and Garrett meet her in the park and Kumoko asks if they could help her break her stand out of the police station since they're in the area and the police are occupied with the mansion, they agree.

Kumoko snidely thanks Marine for screwing over any chance of Amber paying to replace her computer, Marine says she's welcome and that it's fine because computers are capitalist inventions. Kumoko is dumbstruck by this statement, saying that Marine has a computer, she says it's a communist computer because she put a hammer and sickle sticker on it, also that she has a stalin background, making it doubly okay.

We make our way to the police station, Kumoko manages to do it stealthily, the others not so much... so officers come out of the station and tell us to stand down or they'll shoot, which after Marine shouts back at them.. they do.

Marine trys to intimidate the four officers by asking them if they're aware how many cops she's killed, they start murmuring to each other and 3 of the 4 freeze in place, saying they need to speak to the general. Marine demands that her friend in the station be released and everything will be fine, peace and love and all that, the 3 cops make the other one stand down, two go inside the station.

One cop tells us to just stay where we are and that our friend will be released soon, Marine thinks he's lying and revs her chainsaw.

"Oh dear you're lying aren't you? You know I've upgraded this recently and I've been meaning to try it on a cop."

Marine says she wants it done in 5 minutes, the cop replies and says that's plenty of time... so she reduces it to 3, and starts counting down from 180 seconds.

From behind there's a strong rumbling, a giant aquatic cyborg tank, the whale tank is slowly trundling along, Kumoko and Garrett turn to face it (Marine is concentrating too hard on her countdown). Kumoko asks Garrett if he thinks he can reprogram it while it's still running, he reckons he can so Kumoko flies up to distract it for him, she gets shot by one of its turrets but manages to stay in the air.

Garrett runs over to start looking the usb ports on the tank. (Running with his 'robot little legs' as Sturg put it, which sparked a grammar conversation)

Kumoko gets annoyed that Marine is still standing there counting and shouts at her, asking her what the hell she's doing. She replies saying she's keeping an eye on the cop incase they betray us, Kumoko shouts back "There's betrayal behind us!", Marine finally turns around and notices the tank. She immediately attacks the cop who nervously spoke to us and cuts him basically clean in half, setting him on fire. She asks him if it was worth it as he shouts incoherently in pain.

The other cop gets a shoulder shot on Marine, and starts cowering at how little he's able to do in this fight, Marine cuts his arm off and he faints, presumably dying from blood loss shortly after.

Kumoko quickly studies the whale tank to see if it has exposed sensors or targetting devices, seems the closest things are the cyborg eyes, so she starts blasting at it with her police shotgun, after a few shots it starts to smoke.

Garrett manages to find a hatch to open and tries to plug himself into it, Marine runs for the police station and starts to carve into the shutters with her flaming chainsaw, she manages to get in as the tank is a mere metre away from her, it seems the station is basically empty at this point, so she starts looking for the cells.

Kumoko keeps blasting away at the eyes, eventually removing a panel and exposing wiring, she shoots that until it smokes and the tank starts to slow down.

Garrett tries to make it stop through hacking but can't quite do it, Kumoko decides she's done enough damage to its eyes and flys back to see what Garrett's up to, just in time as Garrett makes the tank fire a missile, blowing up the front of the police station and also heavily damaging itself in the process.

Marine cuts her way through the jail area and finds a small area with three cells, one is empty, one has an unknown person (she doesn't look to see who it is) and the last has Kumoko's stand. She cuts it open and both Marine and the stand book it out of the station, Kumoko's stand immediately bee-lining it for Kumoko and getting reabsorbed.

We hear the cops advancing on us so we decide to head back to the mansion on foot. We make it to the mountain tunnel, but the SWAT teams have barricaded it, so we take a short (2 hour) trek through the foresty area, when we get sight of the mountain we see the dark cloud implode in on itself and dissapear.

Kumoko tries to call both Miss BizzBuzz and The Master, Miss BizzBuzz goes to voicemail, and the Master is out of range, probably because of the lockdown. She calls Mr Oranges and he immediately picks up, wanting to know where we've been and that we need to return immediately. Kumoko says we were out getting money and stuff, and ends the call with "We'll try and get there in a bit.... er, don't die?" Mr Oranges hangs up.

The only way back into the mansion safely is from the roof so Kumoko tries to see if she can lift Garrett by the armpits... she cannot, not even a little. She asks Garrett if he has built in jetpacks, he looks confused at his legs, that's also a no. And although he can jump an impressive 2 metres into the air, that's not going to cut it.

So Kumoko grabs Marine and flys her to the mansion, then goes to Miss BizzBuzz to get a jetpack for Garrett, quickly returning to him so everyone can get into the mansion.

(After the session raocow asks Xirix why he didn't try and get the core from the cyborg and that that was the only reason he made it show up, Xirix was sad, the end!) (I was thinking about it but for some reason did not, good times.)

---15th March---

Once the team makes it onto the roof, Garrett does a nice dive into the pool, it's very impressive but he shorts out after because
he's not waterproof... he gets out of the pool.

(Pyro jokes that it's now the beach episode with skimpy outfits and such, Horikawa jokes she's just be 'wearing' a hammer and sickle bathing suit, with her just holding them strategically to cover her bits depending on the camera angle)

We go to find Mr Oranges (Marine jokingly fails a investigation test with her eyes and goes into spasms, failing to blink) and we find the mansion has sustained a lot of damage, we go to his office and he's not there. Marine sheds a single tear and says "Look at what capitalism has brought".

Kumoko calls Mr Oranges to see where he is and it seems everyone important has huddled together in the armoury, most of the equipment has been used up as well.

Marine grabs the remaining C4 (seven lots) and Mr Oranges tells us that the Master has 'gone', apparently he went to investigate the breach the satan cake made and dissapeared into it. This prompts Maria to glare at Garrett and Kumoko to glare at Maria.

Marine tries to get use of a tank from Mr Oranges but he refuses, saying it wouldn't really help the situation.

We decide to investigate the kitchen, Marine turns to Garrett.

Marine : You're a robot right?
Garrett : Err... error.
Marine : Come on, just beep boop beep to find the master.

In the kitchen Garrett points to the table the cake is on and says "Beep bop", misunderstanding what Marine wants him to do.

Kumoko suggests we simply remake the cake exactly how we did before, Garrett is unsure and checks his temporary records to see if he remembers how he made it, there's some rumbling in the mansion but we ignore it, concentrating on finishing the cake.

Maria tests the cake for flavour, it starts to boil and a small spacial fissure appears, not as catastrophic as it was the last time, but clearly the same thing.

Kumoko asks Garrett to put his hand in to test if it's safe, it's unfathomably hot inside. Kumoko puts her phone as close to the fissure as she can and tries to ring the master again, unfortunately she gets the same message as last time. Marine pushes Kumoko aside and yells into it with her megaphone to see if the Master is in there.

As if in response the kitchen turns a shade of yellow (or ochre, pedantic raocow insists), we start making more noise to see if it reacts more, Garrett and Kumoko bang pots and pans, Maria reads the bible really loudly.

One or all of these things make the fissure open up a bit more, we think that Maria could probably fit through but we have no heat-proof suits or anything. Garrett suggested a heat-proof rope, forgetting that Maria would probably burn to death without protection.

We hose the hole with water and it just causes a vent of steam that burns Maria's hand slightly. Marine posits the question to Maria "Hey... aren't machines kinda hellish?" she says it's quite the opposite and according to the bible robots are the next coming of humanity, closer to god than even man.

(Horikawa says something to the effect that it's weird that 'mushroom maid jesus is into transhumanism')

Marine starts feeding panphlets through the portal, they immediately burn up but it doesn't deter her... Kumoko runs off to Mr Oranges to see if he has any anti-heat uniforms or the like, he says they're in storage and it's not a priority. He tells Kumoko that the Master was studying energies from other areas, such as hell.. which is where the fissure goes to, and that the Master is 'safe' because of this, at least safer than in the mansion.

(While Kumoko is talking to Mr Oranges, Marine, still in the kitchen blurts out that Mr Oranges is a traitor, and also corrects Kumoko calling the kitchen yellow, by saying it's ochre. Garrett and Maria just look at him blankly)

On the way back to the kitchen a wall comes down near Kumoko and she comes into contact with a metal elemental that's two stories tall just walking around and breaking walls with his fists, it turns to Kumoko and says that she's under arrest.

Kumoko says that he's got the wrong address, the elemental attacks her, just nicking her as she dodges and legs it back to the kitchen.

Kumoko bursts into the kitchen and grabs Garrett, shouting "Shrink ray, shrink ray now", this confuses Garrett as he starts listing off things he can shrink, but then the elemental breaks into the kitchen and he gets it.

The elemental repeats his arrest statement, Marine shouts back at him "No! You're under arrest".

Garrett tries to shrink him down (and rolls four sixes), shrinking him down to the size of a child.

Kumoko tries to grapple him to throw him into the hell portal, she can't lift him at all and gets punched in the face.

The elemental realises what's happening and runs away, we turn our attention back to the portal. Kumoko chisels "Master come back" into a piece of wall and throws it into the fissure.

We head back to the armoury, Elda has shown up (she has been defending the mansion while we were away), she gets authority from Mr Oranges to take an anti-materiel rifle, Marine pouts and mutters "tanks". Kumoko tries to cheer her up by outfitting them both with rocket launchers, sharing ten rockets between them.

Elda gives us a rundown of the enemy presence she noticed while defending the place, 2 helicopters, 2 vans with SWAT teams in front... and there's a tank on the way up the mountain but it's struggling to handle the terrain.

We all get ourselves into a good position to take shots out a window, Elda takes a shot at one of the vans, a guy flopping out bloodily out of it. Elda gets excited and very wordily tells Kumoko it would be great to shoot that clump of people with a rocket, she does so and turns everyone into a bloody mist from the first van.

Marine shouts with her megaphone at the second van. "You have one chance, renounce capitalism or be destroyed", she shoots her own rocket at the next van and dusts them. Marine says a short poem. "Man becomes dust, the east is red"(This triggers a quite amusing conversation about the evolution of Haikus, or Haikais as they used to be called, basically ye olde japanese rap battles... was pretty neat)

Around this time Maria passes out because she can't handle the hell fissure.

Kumoko sends her stand out to hijack a helicopter, she manages to stealthily approach the vehicle, drops the gunner to the ground and then pushes the driver out, assuming control. She presses the red button and it shoots out two missiles at the other helicopter, though it deploys flares to avoid damage.

Elda shoots at the other helicopter, blasting through the cockpit and it veers out of control and blows up in the woods.

A convoy approaches with the tank at the helm, Kumoko's stand sends the helicopter to attack it directly as there's warning lights and beeping, she can't figure out what the other buttons do so she just hits the red button again, missiles destroy the tank but not before it gets a shot off, clipping the tail. Kumoko's stand abandons the helicopter and flys back to Kumoko.

Elda goes to high five Kumoko on a job well done, Marine intercepts and turns her high-five into a slap against her own face, Marine tells her to stop hitting herself.

We all take a break, Marine makes us eagle sandiwches and they taste pretty good.

About an hour passes, Elda tries to clean up some of the mansion and Kumoko looks around to loot SWAT officers, though only one she finds is... not completely destroyed.

(For her trouble she gets a SWAT soldier uniform minus the vest, an automatic rifle with 10 clips of ammo, $20, a nametag that reads 'Mr Jimmy' and a video store card)

Massive rumblings under the mansion start erupting, Kumoko asks if Garrett has some kind of sonar to see what's up, he says he has a contact for that kind of thing, she urges him to get on the phone.

We go outside the mansion, Garrett phones up his friend and shortly after a gopher pops out of the ground, expecting Garrett to catch him, Marine intercepts and catches it, it tries to claw at her and makes its way to Garrett.

During the exchange Elda expresses surprise that Garrett has a friend, once Marine catches it she amends "Now I guess you don't..."

Garrett retorts saying that the gopher has more soul than Elda does, then he asks the little guy to burrow down to see what's making all the noise. Once it comes back it looks very shaken at what it came across, Garrett tries to comfort him, patting it maybe a little harder than he should, then lets it go.

A silver canister breaks through the mansion's ground floor, a glowing green plutonium elemental emerging from the drilling machine. Elda shoots at him with the anti-materiel rifle but it just bounces off. Marine gives him her warning to renounce capitalism and gets slammed by its fist.

Elda tells Kumoko to distract it, she blanky says okay and then slaps her ass to get its attention, immediately taking to the air after, though she's not fast enough and gets grabbed by the elemental who squeases her entire body (and not just her ass as AOD posited :P).

Elda demands that he let Kumoko go, he complies by throwing Kumoko at Elda, who manages to dodge, though Kumoko hits the ground hard, and looking thoroughly pissed off runs off to go to her room. (stress explosion)

Garrett tries to shrink him, and succeeds, though not by much, he gets tackled into a wall.

Elda tries to take this chance to pilot the digging machine, but trips on her way there. As she gets up the corpse of Miss Bizzbuzz is thrown through the mansion's front door.

Marine tsks and says "This wouldn't have happened if I had that tank", Elda thinks she'll be submitting her resume to become the new security officer of the mansion.

Garrett manages to shrink it down one more time.............. and cliffhanger, oh no!


---19th April---

The battle continues on, in the background we hear the sound of a helicopter approaching. Kumoko returns from her room and blasts the Plutonium Elemental with a rocket, though the elemental swipes at it with its fist and redirects it into a nearby wall.

Marine calls the elemental a hammerhead for working for the police state and offers him to switch sides and work for us... or die in the fires of communism, she tries to hand him one of her pamphlets.

The elemental tells her to halt and get on the floor, that we're under arrest due to world crimes. Marine just says she could say the same thing to him.

Maria quickly checks her bible for advice on anti-plutonium measures, though shockingly the bible is completely devoid of information about plutonium, she is taken back by this and is unsure if plutonium is evil or just downright doesn't exist.

Garrett laser-eyes the elemental, its stony skin smokes a little and it procedes to attack Marine, she manages to dodge and only take a graze.

Suddenly a Soil Elemental bursts through the front door, shouting "Yo check it!". It would seem this is the thing that killed Miss BizzBuzz. It immediately tries to attack Garrett, who proudly proclaims "Away we go!" trying to engage his rocket-boots to get out of the way... except he forgot he doesn't have rocket-boots, so he just gets tackled onto the ground instead.

Kumoko shoots a couple rounds from her new rifle, it pings off non-vital areas. Marine throws some C4 at it and almost immediately detonates it, despite being so close she manages to avoid the blast and manages to blast off a bit of the Plutonium Elemental, along with one of the central columns in the lobby.

Suddenly and with little explanation, Maria suddenly opens up her bible and holds it towards the Plutonium Elemental... and fires a holy laser beam at it, a bright yellow bolt strikes into its shoulder.

Meanwhile Garrett isn't having a great time with the Soil Elemental, he tries to point-blank shrink ray him but it only detaches a small amount of mud from it instead, getting in Garrett's eyes.

Marine gets flung back into a wall by an angry Plutonium Elemental, at this moment Mr Oranges makes himself known and shouts out to all of us, saying the escape helicopter will be here in two minutes.

Kumoko tries using her rifle again but screws up and hits a non-vital point again, Marine fires one of her rockets right at the Plutonium Elemental's face shouting to "be blinded by communism!", it hits and rips a big chunk out of him, causing him to reel back.

Another blast from Maria's bible lands on the Plutonium Elementals stomach area, at this point he looks like he's really hurting.

Garrett attempts to shrink the Soil Elemental again... he does manage to shrink the mud in his eyes, but his situation doesn't get any better.

The Plutonium Elemental starts lumbering around because of its missing pieces, unable to get close enough to anyone to attack, Kumoko decides to switch back to the rocket launcher and shoot it from behind, it looks like its going to miss but through sheer luck he staggers into its path, blowing out his back and causing him to fall to his knees. (Terrible skill roll followed by a 6 in luck)

Marine wastes no time and rushes the Plutonium Elemental with her chainsaw to administer a coup de grace, she drives it through his neck-area and saws all the way through. The rest of it just falls to the floor. Unfortunately a lot of green gas pours out of the now dead elemental, it makes Marine feel dizzy. (she thinks it's dizzy with joy however, and starts to ponder commissioning Jesus/Stalkin Brofist art)

Maria shoots a holy bolt blindly into the mist.. and misses. Destroying another of the four columns in the lobby, the mansion shakes at this.

Elda appears! She notices Garrett struggling with the Soil Elemental... who are both quite heavily in the green fog now and asks if he's okay, he says not really.

She runs past Garrett to Mr.Oranges and the Lab Spider to ask about the mist, the Spider says it's probably plutonium dust but doesn't really know how to deal with it.

Elda decides to start shoveling the Soil Elemental... with her hands. It works a little bit, though the chunk she extracts starts wriggling around, and then she gets tackled by the Soil Elemental... at least it got off Garrett.

Realising she's quite near the supply room, Kumoko runs off to get a vacuum cleaner, and Marine decides she's done here and runs off to her room to blog about everything, casually running through the toxic mist with no issues. She writes about her victory and of course ties it to communism and revolution and all that jazz.

The Soil Elemental has Elda, Mr.Oranges and the Lab Spider cornered, she asks if Mr.Oranges can fight, he says it's been a while so he's rusty, but nontheless engages in fisticuffs. Elda asks the spider if she can use some of her silk, she agrees and hides away in a little corner for some privacy.

She also tries her jedi mind tricks on the Soil Elemental. "Return to the dirt from whence you came!"... it doesn't work. (Poor Elda, her mind powers seem to be pretty unlucky)

Kumoko returns with a vacuum cleaner, she holds it up near the mist and turns it on... it does surprisingly well, reducing it a little bit and drawing it away from Garrett and Elda.

In her room, Marine trys to take a nap.. but can't seem to get to sleep, she keeps thinking the floor creaking sounds like capitalist propaganda.

Maria makes her way to Kumoko and prays for the vacuum cleaner to be better, although her prayer doesn't work, Kumoko probably believed it did.

Garrett finally gets up and goes out the mansion's front door. Outside are loads of trucks and about 20 men with guns pointed at him, he pauses for a moment and then comes back in.

Lab Spider gives Elda the silk, which she tries to fashion into a sheet to use against the Soil Elemental somehow, but its too sticky to work with and her hands get all mushed together. She pushes what she has into the dirt of the elemental anyway but just gets stuck to it... though she manages to wrench herself free quickly enough and Mr.Oranges punches it back.

The helicopter arrives and throws down a rope ladder for everyone.

Elda heads down the hallway to go the long.. but safe way to the storage room Kumoko got the vacuum from, looking for cleaning supplies.

At this point the green cloud is about half the size it was at its peak from all the vacuuming. Kumoko notices that only Mr.Oranges is defending the Lab Spider at the moment so sends her stand over to escort her around. She flys over the Soil Elemental and the Lab Spider recognises the shape of the stand and follows her to the helicopter. (Which is handy as the stand hasn't shown the ability to talk)

Elda returns with a mop and a bucket of soapy water, making a bee line to the Soil Elemental. She pours the water down in a wave towards it and slide-attacks with her mop at it, shouting "Elda kick!", the small elemental is destroyed and the blow to the Soil Elemental itself is huge, causing it to collapse into a heap.

Elda spins around in a circle with her mop as an anchor, she proudly proclaims victory.

"The cavalry... *she flips her hair over her shoulders* has arrived!"

She then procedes to clean up the elemental while whistling.

The men outside approach the mansion and demend we surrender yet again, Elda tells them we're coming out, and to please gather in tight group formations. They of course ignore this request.

Marine blasts a rocket out of a nearby window and takes out almost half the guys out there. Shouting to leave us alone, that we'd already won.

Although that was technically true, the mansion was in bad shape... and reinforcements were constantly coming, Kumoko joins up with Elda at the helicopter, Elda convinces Kumoko to keep the vacuum bag (which she seals with some silk) and they give it to Maria to look after. (After Maria buys the bible expansion for five dollars, which has basically a vertabim wiki article about plutonium in it.)

Everyone is at the helicopter now except for Marine, she's still killing everyone outside. After two more rockets there's nobody left and she goes back to her room.

Mr.Oranges asks what's up with the wait and Kumoko tells him Marine said she'd catch up with us and we should leave now. Elda agrees with this sentiment, Maria does not.

Elda also considers plans to go into the hell portal to get the master back, by shrinking us in a vehicle or something like that.. with hopes there would be a demon who could just magic us back to full size. While we agree we should do something about the Master being in hell, it can wait.

Kumoko whispers to Elda to use her mind powers on the pilot (a harpy) to leave. It doesn't work... again, and Mr.Oranges is dissapointed in Elda (Sorry >.<)

Garrett heads off to Marine's room to fetch her. "Don't you wanna take a sweet helicopter ride?... Pretty rad"

She's seems very blase, Garrett explains that the mansion is coming down and she hits one of her walls to check... a chunk of roof falls down.

"How did that happen!? I'm stronger than I think!" Marine looks at her hands in awe of her power. For some reason Garrett thinks it's a good idea to draw dollar signs on her remaining walls with a marker pen, Marine respondes to his by putting C4 on Garrett, he hugs her so she can't detonate it.

She takes his pen and changes the dollar signs into hammer and sickles. (I... don't know how but I'll roll with it)

Knowing Garrett won't stop bugging her, she calls Mr.Oranges on her phone, they talk about all going to a hideout while stuff blows over. Marine eventually agrees, but has to feed her pond pets first. She goes into the kitchen to get bread and feeds them.

The mansion starts rumbling, a six-pack of armoured trucks is on its way to reinforce the police. Marine finally runs to the helicopter and we all fly off to our new base.

---26th April---

We're dropped off at the hideout, a small wooden building in the woods. Mr Oranges is busy keeping the Master's buisness affairs in order, the Mansion is shown on the TV and is basically demolished at this point and seized by the army... though because of Marine's dragon pond some of our private rooms are being kept safe.

Elda asks Mr Oranges for the number to the Master's insurance company, to see what the policy on complete destruction is, he assures her that the finances are fine despite the situation and we should just focus on staying out of sight and that the Lab Spider is working on trying to open a hell portal to find the Master.

We decide since the Maid Registry meeting is still a little way off, we should do something productive rather than just wait around, so we decide to hit one of the targets the bear asked us to sort out, however we weren't told where they are.

Marine calls the communist bear, he's worried about us and assumes the Master is dead, asking if his body is usable.

Marine tells him he's in hell and asks what's going on at his end, he says the revolution might need to be delayed considering, they may even need to move, Marine hangs up without asking where the targets are.

Kumoko immediately rings him and asks for the location of the King of the Underworld and the Princess of the Lake.

He fumbles around and says its obvious where they are but she insists, the Princess is in Tiny Lake and King of the Underworld is in the Underworld. (doesn't tell us where that is...)

Kumoko lies and tells the bear the real reason Marine called it that she needed $2400 and was too embarassed to ask, the bear refuses and very nicely tells Kumoko that she should plan her extortions better next time.

We go and ask Mr Oranges how to get to the Underworld, apparently most cities that are big enough have some kind of entrance, usually from the sewers. He describes the Underworld as a mirror image of our own world. Elda wonders if there are mirror versions of us there, he doesn't know as he's never been. Though he warns us its dangerous.

Kumoko asks if Tiny Lake is more or less dangerous than the Underworld, Mr Oranges laughs and says she answered her own question by asking. We all decide to go to the Underworld anyway.

(Elda wonders if there's photo op places, "take your picture next to the Underworld portal" kinda of thing, Kumoko thinks that would be cute)

The nearest place that might have an Underworld portal is Tourist-Trap Town, but unfortunately the hideout does not have any vehicles. Kumoko tries to pull out a three-seat tandem fold-up bicycle and pulls out a three-headed fold-up hydra instead, though thankfully it comes out folded and just kind of wiggles around, Kumoko puts it on the floor.

Elda picks it up and puts it in her suitcase and then has an idea, she asks if either of us have contact with magic users, we both say we do.. though Marine also says she won't call because Elda smells. Kumoko is somewhat reluctant to call hers, Elda says she'll talk to her.

Kumoko rings up Miss Void, a very stern woman who works at Voids Academy for Girls. Kumoko tries to make smalltalk but Miss Void is passive aggressive, annoyed that Kumoko had not called her in a long time and suspects the only reason is because she wants help.

She tries to change the subject, saying it's been hectic since she got the maid position and that she's made some new friends, even this she seems sceptical of and when Miss Void presses her again on why she actually called, Kumoko gets nervous and hands the phone to Elda.

Elda introduces herself and says Kumoko has said lots of wonderful things about her and her magic ability. Miss Void asks her to name one thing, she deflects the question and asks for help making some kind of teleportation circle, she scoffs at the idea and says such things can't be taught over the phone, and when asked to meet in person she says her schedule is too full, especially to teach one person.

Marine chimes in and asks if it would make a difference if she was teaching two, Miss Void says no. Then she asks Kumoko if this was the asinine reason she contacted her, Marine puts on a bad Kumoko impression and says "No I miss you so much!".

Kumoko clearly is still nervous and brings up all the stuff that happened recently at the Mansion and that the Master is gone, Miss Void has none of it, saying she brought her up to be more independant than this, and that if she wanted to go to Hell after the Master why not just get a ticket there, she asks how much they are these days.

Confused, Kumoko asks what she means by a ticket to hell, Miss Void sighs and says she's had too much of a sheltered life, she thought all the times Kumoko snuck out she would have more world experience. Apparently special trains are set up to go through a portal, allowing a train ride to either Heaven or Hell, she says the nearest one is in Bigger City, she wonderes why Kumoko didn't just google it.

Kumoko is surprised Miss Void knows what google is, she seems annoyed by the accusation that she didn't, and with nothing else to say she hangs up, Kumoko looks sad.

Marine immediately mentions that the trains mentions are in Russia and we should go there right now, Kumoko tries to punch her but instead hit the wall, she tries to get away from Marine when she starts singing communist songs and eventually manages to shake her, she sings louder as a result... confident Kumoko will hear. Lab Spider gets upset and slams the kitchen door.

We come to the conclusion we should just hire a taxi or something to get to Tourist-Trap Town, with the intention of just not paying the driver since he'd be outnumbered. Kumoko googles which company would be best and meticulously checks the reviews.

Elda orders a 'lyft' with her phone and Marine butts in and shouts at them for hoarding all the cars and not sharing them with people, leading to a capitalism vs communism arguement.

After a little bit a station wagon covered in vines and flowers pulls up and an elven driver steps out, Elda waves him over.

Elda undoes the latches on her suitcase and asks the driver to help her put it in the car as it's very heavy and she is very small, he does and the folded hydra and her gun fall onto the ground, the hydra wiggles. Elda wanted it to unfold and kill the driver, much to her dissapointment.

The driver gets nervous and questions why Elda has a rifle, Kumoko says its dangerous for three girls on their own these days, but he insists and asks to see a license. Kumoko flashes a video store card for a nanosecond, he doesn't buy it.... so Marine takes out her rocket launcher and uses her last rocket to turn him into a puddle.

Elda sticks out her tongue to catch some of the ash from the driver, like a normal person might for snow and then briefly scours the car to see if there's anything of worth, the plants and vines seem to be alive because of elven magic, nothing else of interest though.

Elda drives us to Tourist-Trap Town, it takes about 2 hours and we listen to Thunderstruck for the entire trip, Kumoko and Elda eventually managing to sing to it in sync, Marine gets annoyed and tries to plug her phone in to play her own music and gets into a glare and slapping fest with Kumoko, ending with her threatening to shoot her with her rocket launcher, apparently forgetting she has no rockets left. She tries to bash Kumoko on the head with it but just hits the roof of the car instead.

We eventually make it to Tourist-Trap Town, it's full of light-up signs, not too big though, population of about 6000, with museums and other attractions everywhere.

We approach the nicest looking information booth, the only one with a person manning it. We ask about the Underworld and we're told there's a passage we can use nearby, Elda asks if there's any schools of magic here or anything else magical, we're told there are magical objects in the museums, the best one being the Museum of Wonderment.

We arrive at the Museum of Wonderment, a square green building with ionic columns. (raocow gettin fancy) We take the audio-guide tour and come across a large magic tome that is the result of the first wizard to bother writing down his spells made.

Such powerful magic inside includes
-The ability to instantly famish an army to the point of a week long hunger
-The ability to see dreams and alter them, alongside some minor mind control
-Terraforming a mountain temporarily into a stone dragon

Obviously we want a book this powerful, Elda convinces Marine to attack the museum for being capitalist (although the museum is free, it does have a suggested donation box at the front), and asks Kumoko if we can clear out the museum so we can attempt to steal the book, without thinking Kumoko hits the nearby fire alarm, triggering the sprinkler system as well.

Elda and Kumoko try to physically break the glass cube around the book but can't phase it, Kumoko's stand slips and smashes her face on it. Marine tries to use her C4 on it but gets a little overexcited, making the C4 in the shape of a hammer and sickle, it makes a shallow trench.. but because of the shape she's pleased with her work.

Chainsawing it doesn't work either, it flys out of her hands and spins out of control in the air, digging into the floor.

Elda decides to set up her suitcase bomb and Marine goes outside to keep the newly arrived fire brigade away, Kumoko follows to assist.

The fire marshal sees Marine and tells her to join the other evacuated people... she immediately attacks him with her chainsaw, which he blocks... but it's a chainsaw, so his arm gets cut off followed by a blood curdling scream which rattles the other fire fighters.

One of the fire fighters (a giant toucan) tries to call for help on the radio but Kumoko shoots it before he can, he stands there and says "Oh nooooooo", unsure how to deal with the situation.

The suitcase bomb's explosion is magnificent... the column the cube of glass was on is gone, but the cube remains somehow, slightly singed but very much intact. Elda grabs the cube and we all get together and go out the staff room door.

Kumoko briefly stops to see if anyone left their wallet in the staff room, finding one with $25.40, a drivers license belonging to George Hans Biggleton and a subway coupon. We make our escape from the museum through a loading area, Elda passive aggressively tries to hint that Kumoko should be carrying the cube since she's struggling with it, after making her ask nicely she takes it off her hands.

Kumoko tries to cover the cube in her silk to hide it, but the silk refuses to stick to it. Elda whispers open seseame to the cube and it starts to shine. Marine grabs it and throws it onto the ground, which makes it start emitting a whine... Kumoko considers it might be sentient and asks Elda to use her mind powers on it to shut it up, but it doesn't work.

With it making noise it's probably a bad idea to take it with us on the train (though Kumoko questions if people will actually notice), we decide to hide it somewhere and come get it after we're back from the Underworld, Kumoko's stand flys it to a forest nearby the town, she's seen by a person and security is alerted, but too late to catch her.

We head to the subway to the underworld, we're asked for $35 each.. we try to bring the price down but the ticket seller is a bored teenager who doesn't care. We jump the gate, Kumoko helping Marine and Elda over, Elda tries to get the teenager to not call security but fails, though he doesn't care about his job persay, he's saving up for a PS4 and needs the money.

Kumoko goes back to him and shoves a ten in his face to not call security, he looks at the security button and says "ohhh... the buttons too far awayyyy".

We board the train, next stop... the underworld!

---17th May---

Garrett wakes up out of his daze and although he's surprised at what happened last time, he's fine with it. (He was defragging last session)

On the train platform, Kumoko looks around for a family of three and comes across a gorilla and yeti couple with their young child, she stalks up to them to pickpocket their tickets, though the kid is naturally curious and spots was looking at her beforehand.

Kumoko presses a finger to her lips to make a shush gesture at the kid and then lets hers stand out, flying her around to try and move the kids attention. The child is surprised by the stand and follows her, allowing Kumoko to get the tickets.

We all get on the train, it's a fairly uneventful ride. The train is a little different to a usual one however, no windows and when moving sounds more like a vacuum cleaner. Marine plays a round of communist monopoly in her mind to pass the time.

We arrive shortly at the Underworld Welcoming Centre, everything is inverted in colour except for us, it takes a little while to get used to. We check the bus timetable to plan our route, though unfortunately the bus service is only free for underworld locals.

Kumoko looks up uber on her phone, strangely all the applications on her phone have auto-changed to the underworld versions, so now it's UnderUber. We order one and not too long later an older looking car driven by a giant centipede rolls up.

The guy speaks weirdly slow, putting emphasis on wrong syllables and such, Marine just bluntly asks what's wrong with him. We argue about where to go on the map and Garrett decides we should go to the half-way point between our choices (Kumoko wants to go to Lil Hamlet, Marine wants to go the Lobster zone), so we end up going to the hills.

The centipede says it's a long way so will cost a bit, Marine says she doesn't believe in money. (which he misunderstands and is happy to hear). On the trip we cut through Steakville, which has buildings made out of meat... it smells terrible.

We stop on the hill, which has a tiny village not marked on the map. Marine leaves and Kumoko quickly tells the centipede Garrett has the money and just dissapears. (It came to about 50-60 bucks I think)

Garrett gets annoyed at this and protests, saying he's not leaving the car until Kumoko comes back. The centipede agrees, as he wants to get paid.

Marine starts to greet the local people and hands out her panphlets, which surprisingly... people are not only willing to take, but actually like. Kumoko reappears and tactically blows up the centipede's car with a rocket, and through pure skill on her part (really it was luck) Garrett comes out of the explosion barely touched, just all sooty. (2 damage out of a possible 100, hell yeah)

Kumoko flies down to check on Garrett, he says he's A-OK through a small coughing fit. The explosion kinda drew the attention of the residents so Kumoko shouts out "OH NO OUR ROBOT EXPLODED A BIT!" and then walks off, satisfied that's enough.

Marine starts to head off to the lobster zone, Kumoko grabs her wrist and stops her for the moment, asking the crowd if the lobster zone is dangerous. (She's concerned since it's the mirror equivalent of the Tarrasque zone)

They inform us the lobsters are extremely dangerous, Kumoko asks if they're more dangerous than taking on the Underworld's King, they confirm it is, they say some can grow as big as hills, several times bigger than that one Tarrasque we killed.

Garrett does a quick risk assessment, though he uses details on overworld lobsters and thinks we'll be perfectly safe. Marine is pretty adamant about going so Kumoko reluctantly agrees to go, but only to show her it's a terrible idea. Garrett wants to go look around elsewhere at the nearby Dr Pepper area, we agree to meet up later.

On the way to the lobster zone we stop by a gas station, Marine gets a hotdog for free for some reason, Kumoko gets offered one too and after waiting for Marine to ear hers, she agrees, though she smells and analyses it first to determine if it's safe. (I rolled two 1's and raocow told me I think it's the best hotdog in the world.... so yeah, oh dear.)

After eating it Kumoko asks the dude for the recipe, apparently the guy has a hotdog tree at his house and he brings ten free hotdogs to work everyday for people to have. Kumoko tries to get a second hotdog but coughing and releasing her stand, claiming she's a different person, he doesn't like that and refuses, Marine shouts at her for being shifty.

We move on towards the lobster zone and jump a loose rickety fence with a danger sign. Kumoko urges Marine to lead.

We end up on a fairly flat plain of rocks and pebbles, with no lobsters in sight. Kumoko tries to get Marine to leave as there's no lobsters, but that just makes her want to go further in, she starts doing her lobster call.

Kumoko flies up to see if she can see any lobsters, still no... however there's a large muddy vortex not too far away. We go to investigate it, Kumoko tells Marine to jump in, instead she gets out her loudspeaker and yells into it. (Kumoko takes a picture of the vortex with her phone and sends it to Garrett with no context provided)

Half a second later a giant claw smashes out of the mud (like, a 10 foot long claw).

Marine : We found one!
Kumoko : *backing away* Uh yeah... are we done now?

Marine decides she wants to capture it... somehow.

Meanwhile, Garrett is looking around town, everyone is so friendly. Marine takes a self-photograph with the claw, Kumoko takes a picture too and texts it to Garrett with the word 'help'.

Garrett thinks the picture is a joke and texts back "Ha-Ha". Marine posts her picture to social media and gains a new friend.

Kumoko gets annoyed and phones Garrett, she tells him it wasn't a joke. Garrett is dissapointed and says he laughed, and that it's pretty hard to make robots laugh. She asks him to hurry to their position to help, but also to stop by the gas station along the way to get a hotdog.

Garrett says he's unsure about eating actual food, Kumoko gets mad at him and aggressively asks if he wants to be like a real human, he should eat, Step one is hotdog!. She tells him to follow their tracks since he's a robot and can probably do that. (which he thinks he does, but really he just follows the GPS on our phones)

Garrett finds the gas station and talks to the guy inside, he asks if he'd seen Kumoko and Marine, he says he had and then starts complaining that Kumoko was being shifty and trying to steal hotdogs. Garrett curiously asks what a hotdog is and the guy gets one out of his dresser. (naturally...)

The gas station attendant not only gives Garrett a free hotdog in a bag, he gets a free thing of motor oil because he's a robot, Garrett is overjoyed.

Anyway, Garrett eventually shows up, Kumoko waving him over. Marine asks him to make the lobster more 'portable', ie, shrink it. (At this point it's about half-way climbed out of the mud vortex)

He shrinks it down to be house sized, it starts waving it's claws again and hits Marine, though it seems to have its eyes on Kumoko, who starts to lead it to Garrett from the air. Garrett wants to shrink it again, but also wants to be safe as the lobster is now charging surprisingly fast, he tells Kumoko to go onto the fence or something and divert it.. I dunno, she wasn't really listening, instead she flys down onto Garretts back and shouts at him to shrink it.

Which he does, boom, size of a small house now. Though the lobster is close enough to swing at us, and Garrett... for funsies, turns around so Kumoko gets stabbed off of his back and onto the ground by the lobster. Garrett considers jetpacking away, but doesn't want to get motion sick, and shrinks it down again to van size.

Marine jumps onto its back and starts trying to soothe it with a communist lullaby, Kumoko and Garrett fly up for safety. Marine thinks feeding it might help with taming so she asks Garrett to throw her the hotdog, which he does... Kumoko is angered by this and tries to intercept the hotdog but falls short.

The lobster eats the hotdog, and Marine also feeds him the goblin remains... and apparently it worked, the lobster purrs like a cat, and Marine now has another pet.

Kumoko looks sad and glares at Garrett, he naturally misunderstands and tells Kumoko it was a good job she told him to get that hotdog, she feels argueing wouldn't accomplish anything, so just stands there sad.

Marine names the lobster George, we head back to the gas station to get a wheelbarrow and a crapton of food for it, trading in her empty rocket launcher. (which the guy doesn't even question) She asks the guy if there's somewhere we could go to teach it for a week, he sends us back to the small hill village and talk to a guy, Marine trades two packets of C4 for a weeks stay for all of us while she trains it.

Marine manages to give George basic training for movement and such, she tries to also teach it bubblebeam but doesn't quite make it.

While Marine is training, Garrett and Kumoko try to information gather in Dr Pepper Presents Mediocrity. They're apparently very bad at doing so and get very to little information, a lot of the people are very nice.. but all they really do is smalltalk. (We confirm the frog king is in the frogzone... nothing else)

We start to make our way to frogzone, stopping off at the people's republic node first. A large city with lots of government buildings, pretty nice, a lot of emphasis on not using money. Marine goes into a building and talks to the secretary, a female elf.

Marine tries to sell her revolution speel to them, she says she's against violent revolutions, Marine replies with a wink saying "Of course, so am I".

Marine gives her her card if she ever wants to talk to someone in communism, winking again. (I say card, it's a panphlet with her number hastily scribbled on it) She tells her she's very important on the surface.

Since they're there, Kumoko decides to get some info from her, Marine gets mad and tells Kumoko to leave her alone as she has "VERY IMPORTANT THINGS to consider", she asks her where they might be able to learn about magic in the Underworld, she's shocked and tells us there's no magic here at all because it's illegal.

Hearing this Kumoko questions if they have anti-magic devices, which they do, exclusively for army use. She follows up with an 'unrelated question' on where the army is, this makes the secretary laugh as she thinks she's joking.

Kumoko : So... who would have access to the army.... who isn't in the army?

Despite the weird question she tells us the 'Glorious Leader' Father of Peace, Piet Cornello is the top man. Before leaving Kumoko asks if she's had the hotdogs from the gas station, she says it's a tradition to have them, Kumoko approves and tells her she's a good person.

We move on to the place on the map marked as "Huh?", there doesn't seem to be much there but foggy air, as we go through everything gets fuzzy.. and we end up on the other side.

Curious, Kumoko sends her stand in and stays outside, she immediately freaks out as she feels like time is going fast and slow at the same time, she calls her stand back and tries to forget she felt that weirdness.

And our heroes end at the border of Frogzone!

---30th May--- The rambly all over the place episode!

Frogzone looks like the biggest city in the Underworld so far, full of frogs and other such amphibian creatures.

Marine suddenly changes her mind about going in, saying it's probably full of capitalism and we should go on a cruise instead, Maria suggests a 'land cruise' in the city as a compromise. (So... a bus tour) Kumoko gets annoyed and reminds Marine this is her communist bear's mission, and that the Underworld has been pretty anti-capitalist so far.

Kumoko suggests we go get hotdogs are Maria and Elda haven't tried them, she asks Elda if she likes hotdogs... she says she doesn't, and that her favourite food is "cabbage soup", just the water from cabbages. She tries to insist but Elda says she's seem how hotdogs have been made and that it triggers her intensely, Kumoko says that's totally fine as these hotdogs come from a tree.

She eventually agrees as long as she has her eyes closed and gets fed them 'delicately'. Elda suggests we just go and get the hotdogs on the way back, after the quest. Kumoko makes her promise and pinky swear, but then decides to try and pull a copy of the hotdog from her bag, and does so, she feeds it to Elda. At this point Garrett walks into the city to get information.

Elda finds the hotdog disgusting and spits it out, aiming for Kumoko's shoes. She catches it in her apron and eats it, scolding Elda for having no taste, apparently Elda's taste perished 500 years ago... for some reason. Maria pouts because she didn't get to try them.

Marine does some sweet wheelies on her lobster, she thinks it's very impressive.

Garrett approaches a dude and asks where the king is, he replies "Welcome to frogzone", and continues to repeat that for every question asked. Garrett says to "Greet me to the froglord please", and the guy walks away, Garrett tells him to come back but doesn't follow him.

For some reason the conversation derails (that never happens!) to Elda asking if Kumoko has been on many dates, she gets flustered by the question and points out that we're at frogzone and runs off to the welcoming centre.

On the way we notice there's a gigantic frog shaped castle slap-bang in the middle of the city. We go and speak to the frog guy at the info desk.

Through some strange power everyone starts adding frog-based puns to their speech. "Hey guys let's hop to it", "I would but she toad me not to", "I'll tear my gun to ribbits". Little known to our heroes, everytime a frog-pun was uttered a meteor was set on a collision course with us. Thankfully Garrett chymed in with "Frogs legs sure are cool" and nullified the meteors entirely.

Elda asks the guy at the info desk where they can get a dish of severed baby arms, he starts to answer but Garrett butts in and demands information. He says if you have to wash a wall you should probably use soap, but not like... bathroom soap, different soap.

Elda asks about the King, apparently you can just go to the castle to see him and receive his wisdom. Elda flatters him saying the info desk guy should be elected king and leaves.

(This brings up some communist anti-king talk, apparently the bible has the communist manifesto in it due to a printing error, but only chapter 3.)

Kumoko butts in and asks the guy "For no reason... does the script you're reading through say anything about the state of the King's security?"

He doesn't really have an answer for that and asks who exactly we are, Elda and Kumoko come up with "Group of pioneer royalty enthusiasts", Marine isn't having any of that, Elda waves her off as being schizophrenic and legally insane and should definitely be ignored.

Marine : Don't listen to her! How would you like to overthrow the bourgeoisie?

The info guy laughs and says there's no bourgeoisie in frogzone, he gets into an arguement about the King with her. Marine fumes and rewrites some of her panphlets, I say rewrite... what I mean is she just crosses out bourgeoisie and replaces it with King, not even correcting for grammar.

So back on track, we need to make an appointment to see the king and it's currently a 22 day wait because of the queue, Kumoko grabs Elda and says she's going to die in 2 days and that we came to see the King for a cure, a wish.

Garrett takes that seriously and freaks out saying he had no idea.

We talk the guy down and find out there's a 'shuffling fee' for queue jumping, we'd probably need to talk to the info desk at the castle for that though.

(This spirals into a long-winded theorycraft about pulling the King.. or the Kings head from Kumoko's bag. Or pulling infinite wishes from the bag, which as raocow describes would bring out infinite well-wish letters which would expand the universe forever, though at the same time block a lot of the universe with letters, so everyone would just have to keep moving... very inconvenient.)

Elda remembers Kumoko mentioning anti-magic weaponry to her and asks the info frog about the army, he tells her about the one at the people's republic node and that frogzone has no need for an army, because apparently the people's republic never interferes with the King's land.

Apparently the King's "Will and personality" is enough to fell armies, crush tanks... basically kill anyone. She asks if he's psychic, he says no... it's his will. Supposedly thousands have witnessed him doing this, but the info guy has no personally.

Marine asks how would you kill someone like that, for her fanfiction. He says you can't, he has too much willpower to be killed. He says that would be like trying to will a rock into a fridge, it's impossible.

And so a plan was formed... Maria looks for a rock. Marine finds one and gives it to Kumoko, Kumoko looks at her weirdly and says she's not an alchemist, and we give the rock to Maria.

Maria places the rock exactly 7 feet infront of her and prays for it to turn into a fridge, through a valiant effort and some pretty golden light, it transmutes into a thermos.

At this point Kumoko mentions what our mission is again to get back on track, Maria didn't realise we're here to kill the King, she thought we were here for his wisdom. Kumoko says it's fine if she believes that, Maria says she believes that she believes her... things get confusing in rebuttles and Maria lays down in the street to receover.

Elda gets an idea, to trick the King into killing himself with his own will, by betting he can't do it. And possibly getting some high-end flies at a fancy butchers as bait.

Kumoko asks the info guy if it's like, a ticket stub for the King's queue or what, it's actually a phone app. She asks Garrett to hack a phone, as if that would work. Marine pushes her phone against Garrett's face and says to talk to it.

Garrett looks up the tvtropes page for the King but just gets the 'cannot get a connection' page.

We decide to stop hanging around the Welcome Centre and go to the castle, Kumoko drags Maria as she's still laying down.

The info desk at the castle isn't actually manned, it's a huge door with an interactable monitor for appointments and such, Kumoko tells Garrett to hack it. He looks at it, it has buttons for Welcoming, The History of Frogzone, Maps with tourists hotspots and about meeting the king.

He clicks meeting and is asked if it's for a visitor or resident, he clicks visitor despite Kumoko telling him to lie and click resident. It just tells us there's currently a 22 day wait. Kumoko clicks the help button, which just puts a question mark on the cursor, after initial confusion she clicks the meeting button, but it just explains what the meeting button does. Kumoko gets annoyed and says it's not helpful at all.

Garrett gets annoyed by her tampering.

Garrett : Excuse me I'm hacking here...
Kumoko : It's okay you're hacking 'that' bit, I'm doing this bit.

Garrett tries the process again but this time saying we're local, it asks for our resident number. We click we forgot it and it tells us to download the frog app again.

Garrett : This frog app sounds like malware.

Kumoko suggests Garrett plug himself into the panel and interface with it, like he did with the Aquatic Cyborg ages back.

Elda : But if he does that he might get malware
Kumoko : We'll just run a virus check after.
Marine : But he basically 'is' malware. (rude)

Garrett asks who's willing to put the frog app on their phone, nobody wants to.. he asks Maria but apparently she's used all her space on bible guides, and that she's secretly illiterate!

Garrett tries looking at the history while Kumoko tries to start ripping panels off the little dome-thing the computer screen is connected to. The history of the town is amazingly small, it was founded only 30 years ago when the frog king arrived.

Kumoko's tampering starts a buzzing sound, she gets annoyed and summons her stand to punch the panel. Elda gets concerned since Kumoko is attracting too much attention, not to mention the alarm.

Elda : We should have tried a different way in....
Kumoko : Shush I'm working!

Three armed salamanders appear from a hidden door nearby and tell us to put our hands up, Elda compels them to stop and they hestitate, Elda telling them that they don't want to get into trouble.

They tell us to please leave, Elda says we're not going anywhere until we see the king, we had an arrangement and had to resort to trying to hack the panel. She demands to see their manager. (During this George clacks his pincers menacingly and bubbles)

One of the salamanders looks at the schedule and sees there's nothing booked, they apologise and open the gates for us.

Elda scolds them one last time and we enter the door, which leads down a very plain corridor to an empty room with a locked door, plastic chairs and a table with magazines on it.

Such magazines as "Ghost's n' Carz", "Super Gold", "King Frog Super Journal", "People" and "Motorcycles are not real but here's some anyway".

Elda looks at the King Super Journal and thinks Maria will enjoy it, she writes "Holy bible expansion" on it and gives it to her, telling her about how the King Frog pertains to Jesus.

Maria shouts out "Holy fuck" and reads it, her eyes widening as if she were extremely high. (She's literate again, Maria's consistency is like that of the bible)

We wait for a bit and eventually a janitor comes in, he seems surprised there are people waiting here, but brooms around anyway. He has a big ring of keys on his belt.

Elda : Perhaps you should purloin the keys from him.
Kumoko : ... you mean steal them?
Elda : Yes... that's the definition of purloin, you speak english yes?
Kumoko : Si.

Kumoko stalks up to him and grabs his keys. We wait for him to leave, but when he gets to the door he notices his keys are missing, so Elda aims her gun at him.

Marine tries to stop Elda since he's just a working class guy, Kumoko tries to stop Marine from stopping Elda. Garrett feels left out and tries to interrupt Maria... for no reason.

Kumoko and Marine basically just collide with each other and Elda shoots the janitor through the head.

Kumoko finds the right key and opens the door, behind it is a much fancier looking hallway. Elda wants to make a hotdog from the janitor, she makes a brain-matter hotdog with intestine casing... it's literally the most terrible hotdog ever made, in doing so Elda gets covered in blood and tripe, she doesn't mind it.

Elda turns to Maria.

Elda : I am the angel of death!
Maria : No you're not!
Kumoko : But... ELDA IS AN ANAGRAM OF ANGEL!

We argue about killing the janitor, Kumoko tries to convince Maria he was a satanist, trying to draw a pentagram on him with his own blood, Marine notices and calls her out on it.

Maria : I thought we were friends!
Kumoko : It was Satan! The same Satan that guy worshipped!

Maria exclaims that Kumoko sucks and walks to the opposite side of the room, Marine joins her after sassing a triple-snap.

Thus starts a custody battle over Garrett, each side calls to him.

Elda draws an invisible 'cool people line' in the ground to seperate Garrett, Kumoko and Elda from Maria and Marine.

(During this she also says the reason she's immortal is because she bathes in darkness, Kumoko questions that as she thought she was bitten by a lame vampire. Elda admits she lies all the time)

Eventually everyone cools down and we just go down the corridor. (Spats don't seem to last very long between us)

It leads to a large stadium-sized room, with a giant throne atop stairs, and fire pits. (though they are turned off). We all sit on the throne, Garrett sits on George the Lobster, Elda sits on Kumoko's lap. There's some other doors in the room but we just sit on the throne and wait.

---7th June---

After waiting for a bit on the throne we decide to perhaps have a look around, Elda tells us to look for a 'portal of ingress', Kumoko blanks for a moment and decides to look for a door instead.

We find two doors, a service entrance and a big backdoor covered in drapes, we go for the fancy door which leads us to yet another big corridor, splitting into several paths including a staircase. At this point Garrett gets cold feet for a moment, afraid that the frog will know we're coming. (Mistaking him for a psychic)

Elda licks the floor... to try and catch a taste of frog so we can determine where he's been, she doesn't get anything and looks very silly doing so.

We go up the stairs on the logic that upstairs in a castle is probably the more important of places, everything gets much nicer than before with marble flooring and paintings on the wall.

Elda checks around for traps and finds nothing, Marine doesn't believe her so Elda invites her to go ahead first... which makes no sense.

Garrett leads the way jollily, saying "whoopie" while walking at his normal pace, we end up at a big wooden door and open it up, inside is a very steamy room with a pool of water in the middle, looks like an expensive sauna, there's a gigantic frog in the water.

It's a bit hard to tell if it's the King because of the steam, we notice a rack with clothing on it to the side, Kumoko can very vaguely tell they're purple robes and declares that's it's definitely royalty, that's enough to get Marine to rev her chainsaw.. which alerts the frog.

He seems surprised but still fairly calm at our presence, he asks who we are, Marine says she's an assassin... to which he says he didn't order one, he asks us to step forwards so he can see us better. Marine counters telling him to step forwards, and that she has a present for him.

At a stalemate, Marine gets Garrett to go forward, he does so.. lifting his pinkies into the air for etiquette. He greets the King.

The King questions this...

King : Did I order a robot?
Garrett : Oh sure I think you did... everyone needs robot.
King : But I already have a robot.
Garrett : I'll fight it for it's place! (He then flexes his robot muscles to try and impress him)

Meanwhile Elda whispers to Kumoko to perhaps try to get some poison from her bag to cover ourselves in it incase we're eaten by him, Kumoko questions if covering our bodies in poison is a good idea and suggests dumping poison in the bath instead.

Either way it doesn't matter, Kumoko tries to pull out some potent poison and pulls out a branch of poison ivy instead, irritating her hands.

We try to convince him we're actually here to give him a massage and that we've been excited all year to do so, he really doesn't believe us and frowns at us, slowly sitting up in his bath he orders us to leave.

Since diplomacy didn't work, Garrett immediately tries a concentrated shrink ray beam onto him, the beam seems to hit an invisible wall near the frog king and then gets split in two and redirected away from him.

And suddenly we all get the feeling this guy is way out of our league, Elda tries to run away and slips on the wet floor. Kumoko flies after her and tries to pick her up on the way but stumbles. Elda tells her to save herself... and she does.

The frog king raises his giant hand (about the size of a car) to attack, Elda flips onto her back still on the floor and shoots him in his left eye, it hits with a nasty sounding plop and the king lets out a very loud growl in pain.

She then tries to get into his mind with her powers but comes up short, feeling the immense resistance from him physically, he brings his fist down and slams right into Elda, breaking the floor and sending her down a level.

Garrett and Marine look at each other unsure of the next course of action, Marine jumps up and tries to jam her chainsaw into his good eye, but instead gets flung against the back wall by him, she slides down to the floor and shouts out "You're a bad king!"

Garrett gets an idea and shoots his ete laser at the broken bit of floor, causing his bath to cave in and collapse, sending the frog king down crashing below, Elda managing to just avoid getting hit by both the frog and the massive torrent of water.

She gets out her stun-baton and tries to jab it into the water to electrocute him but her arm just stops moving. She knees her hand to try and break free, her baton leaves her hand and floats in the air, slowly turning around before flying at her, though Elda narrowly dodges and it slams into a nearby wall.

Hearing the floor cave in Kumoko flies back and loads her last rocket into her RPG, aiming for his good eye. She makes a great shot, but unfortunately not good enough for this opponent, the rocket stops mid-air and launches right back at her.

Kumoko manages to summon her stand just in time to take the blast, and it fizzles out of existance. (She knows she's okay though, will just take some time to re-manifest)

Marine calls over telling Kumoko this is an improvement, Kumoko tells her to go screw herself.

Garrett lasers the ceiling to cave it in on the king's head, exposing some offices above. It doesn't seem to do much to him, Garrett gets annoyed and tells the king to give us a chance.

"I'll give you a chance... as a snack!" The King declares as his tongue shoots out at speed at Garrett, barely missing him. Garrett gloats back.

While his mouth is open Elda thinks it's a good idea to try to dive into his throat, though her body stops half-way and gets repelled back into the corridor.

Kumoko flies in with her police shotgun and gets flung up to the second floor offices. She starts pushing a heavy filing cabinet towards the hole in the floor.

(At this point raocow remembers important plot details and tells us the King is coloured normally, he doesn't look like he's from the underworld)

The King starts concentrating and remains still, Marine tries to annoy him to break his concentration, she revs her chainsaw and trys to ram it into his eye again, but hits an invisible barrier.

Garrett gets some C4 off of Marine to try and set a trap against the King.

The King's damaged eye starts to noticibly regenerate, and Kumoko's filing cabinet flies down and smacks him in the head.

This breaks his concentration and he looks around irritated.

Garrett : Hey dude, you wanna try and eat me again? Comon you can do better, I know you.
Marine : Pretty dissapointing King so far...

The King's patience kinda dissapears and he tries to tongue at Garrett again, he springs his trap and straps the C4 to his tongue, once it goes back into his mouth Marine detonates them and high fives Garrett as the explosion rumbles through the room, the King's eyes open very wide and blood starts to trickle from his mouth and nostrils.

Marine jumps up into the air and dives down at him with her chainsaw, screaming "ANIME!", she plunges it into his forehead but not deep enough, feeling the resistance of his psychokinesis, she tells him to cut it out.

Elda shoots him dead centre in the forehead, like Marine's attack it goes into his flesh but is repelled enough to not be fatal damage, the King starts to panic and his body begins to swell up.

Marine : Oh that's just swell
Elda : I think this frog's about to croak.

Kumoko dives down from the offices and lands on the frog's other eye, slamming her shotgun at it and blasting him point-blank. The entire eye gets ripped out from the shot, blood fountaining everywhere. His body swells up even more, purple vein-like cracks forming on his skin.

We all take pictures quickly on our phones incase there's nothing left to prove we killed him, as we're all pretty sure he's about to explode. Garrett says it doesn't prove he's dead, just bleeding and such, Kumoko says we can just scrape up a bit of him to bring back or something.

Elda takes a self-photograph (I refuse to use the other word) with the swollen and bloody king, Kumoko tries to fly into be in the shot but is too slow. Everyone starts to run away but Elda slips... again, Kumoko tries to pick her up while flying past... and can't, again. Elda throws her her phone to protect.

As Kumoko flies past, Elda utters what she thinks might be her final words...

Elda : The truth is Kumoko.... I've always loved you!
Kumoko : *after an uncomfortable pause* And I think you're a good friend too!

Kumoko flies off and leaves Elda there and just in time as the frog king explodes, a bright purple explosion... oddly silent. After it calms down there's nothing left of the king but his crown, Elda is still there and appears to be fine.An echoey voices comes out of Elda, the King's voice... "Yes I did it! I'm still alive!"

Marine immediately chainsaws Elda bit, setting her clothes on fire. Elda, still in control of her body takes her gun out and tries to shoot herself in the head, the King won't let her squeeze the trigger. So she tries to drown herself in the water on the floor instead.

The King again tries to stop her, Marine tries to push her head down but can't exert enough force. Elda tells Kumoko to kill her and she tries to help push. The King is confused and asks us why we're trying to kill our friend, Kumoko baselessly says she'll be fine.

George comes into help and jumps onto Elda's body, she stress explodes and some of her limbs break. She lays there blubbling in the water, and drinking it.

Kumoko : Did it work Elda!? Is the King gone!?
Elda : *gurgling noises*

We watch Elda gurgle and drink the pool water for 45 minutes until there's nothing left. Marine cuts off Elda's head with her chainsaw, her body goes limp. Kumoko demands the King leave Elda, he apparently can't body jump again until he takes over more of Elda.

Marine wants to destroy Elda's head, Kumoko's unsure she could survive that so picks the head up to keep it away from her, she looks down at Elda's head and asks her if she could survive having her head broken. Elda tries to shrug, but can't because she's a head, instead she just makes a quizicle expression.


---Pyro's Bible Facts!---
If Maria had a chat up line it would be "Hey, wanna get into heaven?" (unconfirmed!)

If your house is suddenly saturated in a red hue, it's the rapture, and Satan is to blame.

Due to exposure to joy waves, Maria probably considers dimensions enveloped in yellow to be heaven, though this is questionable.

Giant Red Rock with an eyeball? That's the Satan Core, the place where Satan stores all his evil emotions and magic.

Verse 9-38 is solely there to wish people a Happy Birthday from Jesus.

Jesus and Stalin were possibly buddies, as the cake box designed by Marine and Maria may suggest.

Krakens are evil beings, God once fought and removed the brain of a Kraken.

The bible has good life lessons, such as this one 'Be passive and never assert yourself : Jesus 9:41'

Pubs are full of vices, no exceptions.

Presumably you can do many bad things to a christian as long as you tell them it's a test of faith, they're pretty agreeable.

In rare instances the bible has the power to heal by touch.

This may just be Marine's influence, but capitalism is evil.

No matter what your best intentions are, it's probably best to not taste test a cake... ever.

'Jesus Coffee' is a favourite for all believers (and a great scam for profit for the non-believers)

According to the bible, Robots are the next coming of humanity, closer to god than man.

Some bibles are capable of shooting frikken laser beams.

The bible has multiple DLC and expansion packs, strangely named the same as the Shovel Knight DLC.

The bible has the communist manifesto in it because of a printing error, though only chapter 3.