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  1. The Epic of Arthur the Antonomasian
  2. BY Balasubramanyamramachandra
  3. SCENE 1
  4. Lancelot: Thou are egocentric, vile fiend!
  5. Arthur: No! That that thou said that that thee that thou are thou!
  6. Lancelot: Let me show you how to fight!!!!!!!!!!!
  7. Arthur: Oh Yeah?????????????
  8. Bang Clang Bang
  9. Lancelot pins Arthur
  10. Lancelot: I have pinned you old man. What are your last words?
  11. Arthur: London! England! Britain! Europe! World! LANCELOT IS belligerent!!
  12. Arthur flips his sword up and pins Lancelot
  13. Arthur: The boot is on the other foot now, isn’t it my friend? What are your last words?
  14. Lancelot: I shall never surrender!
  15. Arthur poked Lancelot with the sword
  16. Arthur: Never say never my friend.
  17. Tim comes
  18. Tim: What are thou doing acting like a bunch of foolish kids. Thou hast cast shadow upon families honor!
  19. Lancelot approaches Tim.
  20. Lancelot: You think you are very smart, yes? I will show you how to act to a knight of the square table!
  21. Lancelot and Tim fight. Lancelot is winning. Arthur hatches a sinister, Machiavellian, insidious plan. Arthur signals to Tim. They communicate by telepathy. Tim brings Lancelot closer to Arthur. Arthur and Tim team up on Lancelot.
  22. Lancelot:AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
  23. Arthur thinks of a plan to dispose of Tim. Tim foresees danger and challenges  Arthur to a DUEL!
  24. Tim: I challenge you to a DUEL!
  25. Arthur: Divide and conquer, eh? I will show you how to fight!
  26. They fight long and hard. The fight is evenly matched because Arthur got a lot of wounds from Lancelot. Suddenly Tim trips on a blade of grass! He falls and bites the dust .The end is near for Tim!
  27. Arthur: Nobody can compete with the great Arthur!!!
  28. Tim groans
  29. Tim: Let me live. I will help you one day, mighty Arthur!
  30. Arthur: I am a conducting a very foolish thing by saying this: I’ll let you live.
  31. Tim: Thanks, man. Like totally.
  32.  
  33. SCENE 2
  34. The Anglo-Saxon have got a new and brusque leader: GENGHIS KHAN!
  35. He devises an ominous plan to overthrow Arthur. He gathers an army of 123456789 men and marches on Antirrhinum, Arthur’s capital. Antirrhinum also holds the capitol.
  36. Genghis Khan: Friends, Anglo-Saxons, countrymen: We shall destroy Arthur’s kingdom and burn it to the ground. MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
  37. The soldiers salute
  38. 123456789 soldiers: YES SIR!!
  39. Genghis Khan had scrupulously thought over the plan: they would enter Arthur’s kingdom, destroy it, and come back. His army surreptitiously approached Antirrhinum.
  40. Genghis Khan: ATTACK! SIEGE! DESTROY! LOOT! PLUNDER! DEVASTATE! RANSACK! OBLITERATE! WIPE OUT! DEMOLISH!
  41. ANNIHILATE!
  42. The army attacks! The feeble Royal Army was no match for Genghis Khan’s machine gun carrying soldiers. The city was attacked, sieged, destroyed, looted, plundered, devastated, ransacked, obliterated, wiped out, demolished, and annihilated. Only one building remained: the palace. The palace had a magical power that enabled it to be not destroyed whenever Arthur was not in a 400 foot radius. Tim is fighting against Genghis Khan’s army. He has devised an ingenious plan: they all stay in the palace and attack from there. Genghis Khan’s army had retreated. Arthur’s Army celebrates. But Genghis Khan’s army was not wasting their time. They set up an insidious plan to kidnap Fijir, the magician and sorcerer of Arthur’s court. They execute the plan perfectly. With Fijir, they could now destroy the palace!!! But first they had to make him spill the beans on how the palace’s enchantment is broken.
  43. Tim decides to go to Okum, where Arthur was staying and bring him back. That way, he thought, he could pay back the debt. He packed his bags; got a chariot adorned with gold and set off to Okum.
  44.  
  45. SCENE 3
  46. Arthur is having a midsummer night’s nightmare. The Anglo-Saxons invaded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He wakes up.
  47. Arthur: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
  48. Arthur wonders if the dream is really true. He decides that dreams go by the opposites and disregards the nightmare. He was soon proved wrong.  Tim comes into the scene, panting.
  49. Tim: Greetings! I have some very grave news: the Anglo-Saxons led by the nefarious Genghis Khan have attacked. Everything in the city except the palace is destroyed.
  50. Arthur: What bad news! I shall come immediately!
  51. Tim: You cannot come. The enchantment will break and Genghis Khan’s army will attack before we get everything organized and ready!
  52. Arthur: Good point. I shall think about a plan…
  53. Suddenly Arthur has an idea. He whispers it to Tim…
  54.  
  55. SCENE 4
  56. Genghis Khan’s repartee huddles around Fijir.
  57. Genghis Khan: We have kidnapped you, Fijir. You will tell us how to break the enchantment guarding Arthur’s palace.
  58. Fijir: I shan’t! I will not reveal the secret of the Ioviej enchantment. You can do anything, I shall not spill the beans.
  59. Genghis Khan signals for his henchmen to gag Fijir.
  60. Genghis Khan: One of Arthur’s favorite lines was ‘Never say never’ .Do you mind if I use it?
  61. Fijir yells in a muffled voice.
  62. Genghis Khan: You have only seen part of what will happen to anyone who disobeys me, Fijir.
  63. Genghis Khan’s general, Hidif comes rushing in.
  64. Hidif: Sir! Sir! Our spies have informed us that Arthur is returning!
  65. Genghis Khan: Are you sure?
  66. Hidif: Sure I’m sure.
  67. Genghis Khan: We will have to take steps to prevent this. We will put a road block on every path within a 20 mile radius of Antirrhinum with 25 men manning each station.
  68. Llfwej, Genghis Khan’s commander of the artillery steps in.
  69. Genghis Khan: How dare you interrupt, Llfwej!
  70. Llfwej: I have a plan. How about we let Arthur come into the city without trouble and let him enter the palace. He will break the enchantment by going near the palace, and before he can get everybody organized, we can attack!
  71. Genghis Khan:  Very ingenious, Llfwej! We shall carry it out immediately!
  72.  
  73. SCENE 5
  74. Arthur and Tim are packing their bags to go to Antirrhinum. They finally finish.
  75. Arthur: Thanks for coming here, Tim. Now let us leave!
  76. Tim: Yes, sir!
  77. They get on the chariot and with Tim on the wheel, they depart. They go to a coastal city disguised and rent a ferry. They load the chariot on the ferry and travel across the Mare Britannicum. They reach Ewflen, another coastal city within a few days. They head off to Antirrhinum. Arthur knows that the road they’re traveling on is usually infested with highwaymen.
  78. Arthur: Tim, we shall have to be careful. This road is populated by highwaymen!
  79. Tim: Not to worry. I have brought 6 of the Melfis 6000, the latest in the series of high quality crossbows. 6 arrows a second, automatically reloads and just press a button to shoot volleys after volleys of arrows on to your opponent!
  80. Arthur: Wow! That means we shall have no trouble with these highwaymen!
  81.  A highwayman appears.
  82. Highwayman: Stand and deliver!!
  83. Tim: You be careful. I got a Melfis 6000!
  84. Highwayman: That’s nice. I have a Melfis 7000.
  85. He flashes a crossbow.
  86. Tim: We’re doomed Arthur! That can shoot 8 arrows a second and is much better than our version!
  87.  Arthur thinks for a second.
  88. Arthur: I have calculated that with 4 of our crossbows, we should be able to defeat this idiot.
  89. Tim: Good thing I brought 6!
  90. Highwayman: Are you going to fight or not?
  91. Arthur: We’ll fight!
  92. Arthur and Tim on one side, a highwayman on the other, who will win? Although Tim did not realize it, the highwayman actually had a Ladas crossbow which was 10 times worse than a Melfis 6000. They overpowered the highwayman in seconds, and made him go with them. At the next city, Ludhinum,
  93. Arthur: Good! I’m tired of sleeping on the ground every day!
  94. Tim: And we’ll be able to put this idiot in Sing Sing!
  95.  Arthur and Tim put the highwayman in jail and rest for a day. Next morning, they depart. They arrive in Antirrhinum
  96.  
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