batfactors, mafia, and blue text.

tooth
seal tooth

    This is the tooth from a baby seal. It's like a smaller version of the tooth from an adult seal. It's surprisingly sharp, unless you aren't surprised by things that are really sharp, in which case it's sharp, but not surprisingly so.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat) (reusable)
    Selling Price: 1 Meat.

    Deals 1 Physical Damage
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Bloody Hand"
    Effect Duration: 3

    Batfactors data:
    1 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

spice
spices

    This is a can of secret and mysterious spices. It could be used to give something a secret and/or mysterious flavor. If you can control this, you can control the universe! Well, probably not.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    (Cooking ingredient)
    (Cocktailcrafting ingredient)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat) (reusable)
    Selling Price: 1 Meat.

    Deals 1 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    1 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

web
spider web

    This is the web from a spider. It's sort of sticky, and it smells like spiders. Fancy that.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 3 Meat.

    Weakens enemies very slightly


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 0.6

web
really sticky spider web

    This is like a spider web, only even stickier.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Weakens enemies slightly


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 0.5

web
really really sticky spider web

    This is like a really sticky spider web, only even stickier. Still smells like spiders, though.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 9 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 0.5

fence
barbed-wire fence

    This is a barbed wire fence from Distant Lands.

    It's sharp, rusty, and tangly.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 31 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{1,4,7}, def -{1,4,7}, stun 0.47

baseball
baseball

    This is a baseball, which used to be part of a baseball bat. This baseball a been a bery bery good to you. Er, actually no it hasn't. Not yet, at least.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 11 Meat.

    Deals a 6-8 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    7 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

fatstacks
fat stacks of cash

    These are some fat stacks of cash. Too bad you can't spend cash in the Kingdom of Loathing.

    Oh well. Maybe somebody else can use it for something.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Does Not Impress Most Monsters


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

incense
patchouli incense stick

    This is a stick of foul-smelling patchouli incense.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 33 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Far Out"
    Effect: "Embarrassed"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{3,4,5}, def -{3,4,5}, stun 0.5

balm
Doc Galaktik's Pungent Unguent

    This is a jar of Doc Galaktik's Pungent Unguent -- guaranteed to cure all of life's ills.

    This item will heal a small number of hit points.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Heals 3-5 Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -4 damage to self

balm
Doc Galaktik's Ailment Ointment

    This is a can of Doc Galaktik's Ailment Ointment -- guaranteed to cure all of life's ills.

    This item will heal a moderate number of hit points.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Heals 8-10 Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{8,9,10} damage to self

balm
Doc Galaktik's Restorative Balm

    This is a tin of Doc Galaktik's Restorative Balm -- guaranteed to cure all of life's ills.

    This item will heal a moderate number of hit points.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Heals 13-15 Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{13,14,15} damage to self

elixir
Doc Galaktik's Homeopathic Elixir

    This is a bottle of Doc Galaktik's Homeopathic Elixir -- guaranteed to cure all of life's ills.

    This item will heal a goodly number of hit points.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Heals 18-20 Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{18,19,20} damage to self

smallfence
white picket fence

    This is a white picket fence. This would look just perfect on your suburban lawn, if you had a suburban lawn.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Stops Enemy From Attacking and Restores 14-15 Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -14.5 damage to self
    Specials: stun

bomb
Knob Goblin stink bomb

    This small bomb, when lit, will unleash the stench of a dozen Knob Goblins. Which, by the way, is comparable to the stench of 144 regular goblins. You might call it a "gross of gross."

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 65 Meat.

    Weakens enemies slightly


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -3, def -3, stun 0.5

seltzer
Knob Goblin seltzer

    This is a fizzy beverage concocted by the Knob Goblin Mad Scientists. If Knob Goblins had clowns, those clowns would squirt this at people in a theoretically amusing fashion. Thankfully, the Knob Goblins exiled or annihilated their clown population fairly early in their tribal history.

    The seltzer will restore a moderate number of MP when drunk.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 44 Meat.

    Restores 8-12 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 10

seltzer
Knob Goblin superseltzer

    This is an extremely fizzy beverage concocted by the Knob Goblin Mad Scientists. If there were some sort of clown-themed superhero in the Kingdom, he would use this to fight crime. But there isn't.

    The superseltzer will restore a large number of MP when drunk.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 49 Meat.

    Restores 25-29 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 27

dyspepsi
Dyspepsi-Cola

    This is a can of Dyspepsi-Cola, one of the two indistinguishable frontrunners in the Kingdom of Loathing Cola Wars.

    (Cocktailcrafting ingredient)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 52 Meat.

    Restores 10-14 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 12

ninjastars
frigid ninja stars

    This is a set of three throwing stars of the sort used by the Ninja Snowmen.

    They're ice-cold and deadly accurate.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 67 Meat.

    Deals 20-25 Cold Damage


    Batfactors data:
    22 cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

soda
Mountain Stream soda

    This is a can of Mountain Stream soda. It's pretty fizzy, and it's pretty eXtreme.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 58 Meat.

    Restores 6-9 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 7.5

vial
vial of patchouli oil

    This is a vial of the nastiest-smelling substance known to man -- essential oil of patchouli. You might say it's the vilest vial of all the vile vials you've ever reviled. But if you said that, somebody would probably slap you for not being funny.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 38 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 0.5, att -4, def -4

disease
disease

    This is a handful of germs. This would probably give a monster a pretty nasty disease.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 22 Meat.

    Weakens enemies very slightly


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -2, def -2, stun 0.5

ppotion
red pixel potion

    This is a digitized potion. It's red. That probably means it'll restore HP.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Heals 100-120 Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{100,110,120} damage to self

ppotion
blue pixel potion

    This is a blue potion made of Pixels. You have a feeling this would restore a lot of MP if you drank it.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Restores 50-80 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp {50,65,80}

ppotion
green pixel potion

    This is a green potion made of pixels. The resolution isn't high enough for it to bubble, but if it was, you can believe that it'd be bubbling with HP and MP restoring goodness.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Restores 40-60 HP and 30-40 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{40,50,60} damage to self
    Specials: mp {30,35,40}

potion5
wussiness potion

    This is a potion which will make you feel weaker. In case you ever need to feel weaker, for some reason.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 28 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Wussiness"
    Effect Duration: 3

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 0.5, att -5, def -5

cast
cast

    This is a cast of thousands. Thousands of tortured souls, that is. This thing has probably been cast into the Lake of Fire once or twice.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 32 Meat.

    Restores 15-20 HP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{15,17.5,20} damage to self

potion4
magical mystery juice

    This is a potion that's positively bubbling with Magicalness. Roll up! (your sleeves, and drink it.)

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Restores an amount of MP that increases as you level up


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 1.5*L+{4,5,6}

cookbook
dictionary

    This is a regular old dictionary. It contains a lot of words, their definitions, and their proper pronunciations.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Most Enemies Don't Care About It


    Batfactors data:
    {30,45,60} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: monster 1335 HaXx0r|Anime Smiley|Flaming Troll|Lamz0r N00b|Me4t BegZ0r|Spam Witch|XXX pr0n|Some Bad ASCII Art

vortex
meat vortex

    This is a curious object - a whirling mass of energy that seems to just suck up Meat.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 57 Meat.

    Steals Some Meat From an Enemy


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

scroll2
334 scroll

    This is a scroll with the number 334 written on it. Curious.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 51 Meat.

    Mostly Just Confuses Enemies


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

scroll1
668 scroll

    This is a scroll with the number 668 written on it. Strange.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 87 Meat.

    Mostly Just Confuses Enemies


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{1,2,3}, def -{1,2,3}

scroll2
30669 scroll

    This is a scroll with the number 30669 written on it. Bizarre.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Mostly Just Confuses Enemies


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{1,2,3}, def -{1,2,3}

scroll2
33398 scroll

    This is a scroll with the number 33398 written on it. Unusual.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 57 Meat.

    Mostly Just Confuses Enemies


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{1,2,3}, def -{1,2,3}

scroll2
64067 scroll

    This is a scroll with the number 64067 written on it. Peculiar.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 101 Meat.

    Mostly Just Confuses Enemies


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{1,2,3}, def -{1,2,3}

canlid
razor-sharp can lid

    This is the lid from a tin can. It's really sharp around the edges. You could probably throw this at something and hurt it fairly badly.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Deals 2-3 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    2.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

biscuit
sonar-in-a-biscuit

    This is one of those flavored crackers, but it appears to be flavored with piercing waves of high-pitched sound. It's incredible, and inedible.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 11 Meat.

    Freaks Bats Out


    Batfactors data:
    6 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

potion1
procrastination potion

    This is a vial of a lazily bubbling substance, the color of tomorrow. Or, y'know, the day after.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 138 Meat.

    Causes Enemy to Put Off Attacking You


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 0.5

hole
plot hole

    This thing... it just doesn't add up.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 128 Meat.

    Deals 20-25 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    22.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{3,4,5}, def -{3,4,5}, stun 0.5

butterfly
chaos butterfly

    This butterfly, by flapping its wings, can influence events very far away. How? I dunno. You should probably ask Jeff Goldblum.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 124 Meat.

    Is Unpredictable


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att {-17,0,17}, def {-17,0,17}

ng
NG

    This is an N followed by a G. You're not exactly sure how to pronounce it.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 186 Meat.

    Deals 40-70 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    55 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

torpedo
photoprotoneutron torpedo

    This is one of the magical and technological weapons used by the MagiMechTech MechaMechs. It looks awfully dangerous. And dangerously awful.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 144 Meat.

    Deals 30-40 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    40 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

starstar
star throwing star

    This is a throwing star made out of stars and lines. It's like, fractal, man.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Deals 50-75 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    62.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

spraycan
hair spray

    This is a regular old can of hair spray. It's pretty boring, until you combine it with one of two things: An open flame, or a girl on the hood of a hot rod.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: potion
    Effect: Butt-Rock Hair
    Duration: 3 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 12 Meat.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Butt-Rock Hair"
    Effect Duration: 3

    Batfactors data:
    4 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

Butt-Rock Hair

    Your hair is huge. No, it's beyond huge. It's mammoth. It's of Poisonesque proportions. You feel Moxious!

Moxie +15%


Mafia's modifiers:
Moxie Percent: +15
firecrack
Knob Goblin firecracker

    This is a firecracker produced by the Mad Scientists of Cobb's Knob. Seems dangerous -- like it'd be pretty easy to blow off some of your fingers. Or some of somebody else's fingers...

    (Meat Pasting component)
    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Deals 2-4 Physical Damage
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Missing Fingers"
    Effect Duration: 3

    Batfactors data:
    3 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

phone
Mob Penguin cellular phone

    This is a phone used by the Mob Penguin Sopranos to call in thug penguins to do their bidding. And much like in a combination auction-house and kickboxing arena, their bidding is typically extremely violent.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Lets You Talk to Penguins


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

exclam
milky potion

    This is a potion in a bottle shaped like an exclamation point. How is that possible, you might ask? You might, but you aren't likely to get an answer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Unidentified


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

exclam
swirly potion

    This is a potion in a bottle shaped like an exclamation point. How is that possible, you might ask? You might, but you aren't likely to get an answer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Unidentified


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

exclam
bubbly potion

    This is a potion in a bottle shaped like an exclamation point. How is that possible, you might ask? You might, but you aren't likely to get an answer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Unidentified


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

exclam
smoky potion

    This is a potion in a bottle shaped like an exclamation point. How is that possible, you might ask? You might, but you aren't likely to get an answer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Unidentified


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

exclam
cloudy potion

    This is a potion in a bottle shaped like an exclamation point. How is that possible, you might ask? You might, but you aren't likely to get an answer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Unidentified


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

exclam
effervescent potion

    This is a potion in a bottle shaped like an exclamation point. How is that possible, you might ask? You might, but you aren't likely to get an answer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Unidentified


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

exclam
fizzy potion

    This is a potion in a bottle shaped like an exclamation point. How is that possible, you might ask? You might, but you aren't likely to get an answer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Unidentified


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

exclam
dark potion

    This is a potion in a bottle shaped like an exclamation point. How is that possible, you might ask? You might, but you aren't likely to get an answer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Unidentified


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

exclam
murky potion

    This is a potion in a bottle shaped like an exclamation point. How is that possible, you might ask? You might, but you aren't likely to get an answer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Unidentified


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

poisoncup
anti-anti-antidote

    This is a cup of stuff that will un-un-unpoison you if you get un-unpoisoned.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Doesn't not remove poison effects


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

spraycan
shaving cream

    This is a can of shaving cream once used by lumberjacks. It has a variety of uses. Well, at least two. Or maybe just one.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Stops Enemy From Attacking
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Clean-Shaven"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{2,2.5,3}, def -{2,2.5,3}, stun 0.8

vial
forest tears

    This is a vial of tears cried by a homeless forest spirit. Awwww.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 33 Meat.

    Restores 5-10 HP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{5,7.5,10} damage to self
    Specials: !! removes beaten up out of combat

eggplastic
red plastic oyster egg

    This is a red plastic imitation oyster egg. Did you ever notice how there really just aren't that many jokes you can make about things being made of plastic?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Restores 35-40 Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{35,37.5,40} damage to self

eggplastic
blue plastic oyster egg

    This is a blue plastic imitation oyster egg. Wondering what's inside? Probably something blue...

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Restores 35-40 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 42.5

eggplastic
puce plastic oyster egg

    This is a puce plastic imitation oyster egg. Apparently there's been some advance in plastic making technology that you were unaware of, because as far as you can remember, this is the first time you've ever seen puce plastic.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals 40-50 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    42.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

eggplastic
mauve plastic oyster egg

    This is a mauve plastic imitation oyster egg. Accept no imitations, except for this one.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals 40-50 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    42.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

eggplastic
lavender plastic oyster egg

    This is a lavender plastic imitation oyster egg. Of all the plastic imitation oyster eggs you've seen in your life, this is definitely the most... lavender.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals 40-50 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    42.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

eggplastic
black plastic oyster egg

    This is a black plastic imitation oyster egg. It's like a tiny black hole, only egg-shaped instead of hole-shaped. And with far, far less gravity.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals 300-400 Physical Damage and gives you matching Meat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: meat {300,350,400}

eggplain
off-white plastic oyster egg

    This is an off-white plastic imitation oyster egg. Or maybe it's ivory, or off-off-white. Or maybe eggshell. Wouldn't that be ironic.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{6,7,8}, def -{6,7,8}, stun 0.5

eggplastic
yellow plastic oyster egg

    This is a yellow plastic imitation oyster egg. It shines like a tiny sun, which is odd, because the sun shines like a red rubber ball, and this thing is neither red nor rubber.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Grants a Random Beneficial Effect


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! +10% to random stat (20 turns)

string
mariachi G-string

    This is the third string from a Mariachi's guitar. What? It's thin, strong, and pointy on the ends -- you could probably garotte somebody with it pretty effectively. Or put it back on a guitar and play a Gavotte for somebody.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 40 Meat.

    Deals 10-15 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    12.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

cookbook
facsimile dictionary

    This is a regular old dictionary, copied from the one you used to have by the scribes of the Baron Rof L'm Fao. It contains a lot of words, their definitions, and their proper pronunciations.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 21337 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Most Enemies Don't Care About It


    Batfactors data:
    {30,45,60} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: monster 1335 HaXx0r|Anime Smiley|Flaming Troll|Lamz0r N00b|Me4t BegZ0r|Spam Witch|XXX pr0n|Some Bad ASCII Art

cloaca
Cloaca-Cola

    This is a can of Cloaca-Cola, one of the two indistinguishable frontrunners in the Kingdom of Loathing Cola Wars.

    (Cocktailcrafting ingredient)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 52 Meat.

    Restores 10-14 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 12

dyspepsi
Dyspepsi grenade

    This is a special steel-reinforced can of Dyspepsi-Cola, grooved for increased shrapnel. A special compartment on the top is filled with Rock Pops, which mix with the soda when the pin is pulled.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 50-60 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {50,55,60} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -2

cloaca
Cloaca grenade

    This is a special steel-reinforced can of Cloaca-Cola, grooved for increased shrapnel. A special compartment on the top is filled with Rock Pops, which mix with the soda when the pin is pulled.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 50-60 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {50,55,60} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -2

yoyo
yo-yo

    Yo, a yo-yo! These things always seem to come back into style every other Crimbo. The last time you had one of these, you were swinging it at octopi and snakes as you hopped across an endless number of identical green tiles in a cave on an island somewhere. Then someone told you to get the bananas out of your ears.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 30-40 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    35 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

top
top

    This thing reminds you of that Hanukkimbo dreidl you got last year. It's not nearly as cool looking, but it's rounder, so maybe you won't give yourself as many dreidl cuts as you did last year. Stupid sharp dreidls.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{6,7,8}, def -{6,7,8}

toyball
ball

    Oh. Great. You're gonna have a ball with this. Just don't taunt it.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Lets You Escape From Combat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway

kite
kite

    All things considered, this is a pretty fun toy. I mean, c'mon -- it flies! The kite has many natural predators, such as trees, lightning, and angry birds, so keep it away from those things if you want to keep it. We recommend flying it only up in the atmosphere, where the air is clear.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies somewhat and briefly stuns them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{10,11,12}*0.75, def -{10,11,12}*0.75, stun 0.75

stuffdopp
stuffed doppelshifter

    This is a shiny, amorphous blob of stretchy fabric stuffed with little round beans. It'd be a pretty lousy representation of just about any animal, but it's a pretty decent rendering of a doppleshifter.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Randomly Becomes a Different Combat Item When Used


    Batfactors data:
    0 none,hot,cold,spooky,sleazy,stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

soldier
toy soldier

    This is a toy soldier not of the dignified, fuzzy-hatted British variety, but of the bitter, drunk Vietnam vet variety.

    Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend... this thing will still keep marching step by step, left right left.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 30-35 Damage (Requires Tequila)
    (Not consumed when used)


    Batfactors data:
    32.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: itemcost bottle of tequila

nutsack
bag of airline peanuts

    This is a little foil packet labelled "Peanuts". It doesn't feel like peanuts inside it, but there's a warning on the back that says "Warning: contains peanuts", so it must be true.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.
    Gift Item

    Deals 6-10 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    8 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

onions
onion shurikens

    This is a handful of tiny, crescent-shaped slices of breaded onion. They're theoretically edible, but it'd probably be a lot more fun to throw them at stuff than to eat them.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 40 Meat.

    Deals 10-15 Sleaze Damage


    Batfactors data:
    12 sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

shingle
roofie

    This is a piece of the roof from the Orcish Frat House. It probably should be called a rooflet, I guess, but do you really expect frat boys to use English properly without a cheat sheet? Rumor has it that the frat boys use these to knock people out and do horrible things to them.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Stops Enemy From Attacking and Weakens it Slightly
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Confused"
    Effect: "Amorous"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{4,4.5,5}, def -{4,4.5,5}, stun 0.5

flaregun
flaregun

    This is a single-shot gun with a flare loaded into it. The flare is made out of eight pieces of flare, and pirates sometimes use it to lead each other to the locations of pieces of eight.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 45 Meat.

    Deals Various Kinds of Naval Damage


    Batfactors data:
    0.66*{10,20,30}|0.33*{10,20,30} hot damage to opponent
    0.33*{20,40,60} hot,none damage to self

leftovers
leftovers of indeterminate origin

    This is a plastic container of leftovers so old that you're afraid to even open it to see what's in it. You find yourself considering the value of the container, trying to determine if it'd be acceptable to just throw it away instead of washing it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 65 Meat.

    Deals 8-10 Stench Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {5,5.5,6} stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

dixiecup
unrefined Mountain Stream syrup

    This is a dixie cup filled with the sugary ooze used to make Mountain Stream soda. Even though you saw it come right out of the ground, you still don't believe that anything natural would ever be this particular shade of violent greenish yellow.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 200 Meat.

    Restores 50-60 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp {50,55,60}

8ball
8-ball

    This is an 8-ball. Not like the magic ones you're used to. Just a regular 8-ball, the kind you'd have if you stood seventy-seven feet tall.

    If you'd rather it be an infinity-ball, just rotate it 90 degrees to the left or right.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 65 Meat.

    Weakens enemies very slightly


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{1,2,3}, def -{1,2,3}

hairwad
gob of wet hair

    This is a wad of nasty wet hair from a shower drain. It's hard to express how nasty it is to carry this around with you, so I'm not even going to try.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Stops Enemy From Attacking and Weakens it Very Slightly


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{2,2.5,3}, def -{2,2.5,3}, stun

spirit
grouchy restless spirit

    This tiny floating ball of gray vapor is a spirit confined to this plane because of some unfinished business. It has apparently been confined here for a long time, because it seems really grumpy about it. Or maybe it was just a really grumpy person before.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 40-45 Spooky Damage


    Batfactors data:
    42 spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

inkwell
inkwell

    This is a small bottle filled with black ink. Remember: If you don't want to ink poorly, you'll need an inkwell.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 65 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{4,5.5,7}, def -{4,5.5,7}, stun 0.51

tatpaper
tattered scrap of paper

    This is a rectangularish scrap of yellowed paper. Y'know that smell that old books have, that reminds you of a library? This has that, except it reminds you of an evil library.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 45 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure
    (Maybe)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway 0.5

afuescroll
scroll of ancient forbidden unspeakable evil

    This is a tattered scrap of paper with some evil-looking markings on it. As you glance at it, you see the markings rearrange themselves into legible characters. At least they didn't rearrange themselves into cartoon characters, because that would've been even creepier.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Invokes Dangerous and Unpredictable Magic


    Batfactors data:
    25 none,hot,cold,spooky,sleaze,stench damage to opponent
    {5,5.5,6} damage to self

bubblebath
bottle of Monsieur Bubble

    This is a bottle of fancy French bubble-bath. You're not sure what makes some bubbles fancier (or more French) than others, but there you go.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 40 Meat.

    Restores 45-65 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 55

patchbomb
patchouli oil bomb

    This is several vials of patchouli oil poured into a pipe bomb, with organic fertilizer for the detonator. It'll coat anything you throw it at with some serious stench, as well as filling your nostrils with pain and rage.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 65-80 Stench Damage


    Batfactors data:
    72 stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ferretbait
ferret bait

    Since the hippies don't have an airforce, they use sugar-addled ferrets strapped to miniature biplanes for aerial attacks. Toss this ferret bait at your opponent and he, she, or it will be the recipient of, at the very least, some serious scratch marks.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 45-60 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    52.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -5, def -5

hackeysack
exploding hacky-sack

    This is a hacky-sack made of leather and full of sand. There are two compartments inside, one full of baking soda and the other full of vinegar. Two or three good kicks is enough to mix the two together and cause an explosion which is, let's be frank, pretty entertaining. Provided you're not standing too close, of course.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 75-100 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    87 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

macramenet
macrame net

    This is an entangling net, fashioned by hippy artisans and coated with the same sticky stuff that hippies use to stick their dreadlocks together. This'll tangle you up worse than that blue you got tangled up in that one time.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 90-100 Physical Damage
    Weakens Enemies Somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    95 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{8,9,10}, def -{8,9,10}, stun

padl
PADL Phone

    Because of its tiny size and sizeable trendiness, the PADL Phone is highly sought after by orcish frat boys, even though they can't actually dial the phone with their fat fingers. Since it takes pictures and plays music, the phone capabilities are really just an afterthought, though.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Summons Frat Army Aid


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

sakebomb
sake bomb

    This is a bottle full of sake with a wick sticking out of the top. So, basically it's a molotov cocktail, but from the far East instead of Russia. It's nothing like a mazel tov cocktail, though.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 45-60 Physical Damage
    Weakens Enemies a Little Bit


    Batfactors data:
    {45,52.5,60} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -5, def -5

teqgrenade
tequila grenade

    This is a grenade full of shots of tequila. Since those shots are still in shot glasses, you can get an impressive amount of shrapnel out of it. The limes are also pretty sharp, and the salt is sure to get in your foe's wounds.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 75-100 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    87 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

potion4
fancy bath salts

    This is a fancy glass container full of fancy bath salts. They're for dissolving into a bath if you're not feeling fancy enough. I suppose you could also dissolve them into your washing machine if your pants weren't fancy enough for you.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 200 Meat.

    Weakens enemies very slightly


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{4,4.5,5}, def -{4,4.5,5}

handmirror
antique hand mirror

    This is a small hand-held mirror. Not the kind that flips open and fits in your purse, but the kind that has a handle on it, meant to be used while sitting at the vanity in your bedroom and revelling in the vanity in your heart.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Be Careful!
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Bad Luck"
    Effect Duration: 7

    Batfactors data:
    1000000 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: monster guy made of bees

yo
yo

    This is a rock with a piece of string around it. To use it as a weapon, first throw the crib door wide, then let the people crawl inside. Then, hold onto the string, whip it around your head a couple of times, and let fly with the rock. It's just like a yo-yo, except it doesn't come back. So, y'know, it's only the first "yo."

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Deals 15-20 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    17.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

stringstick
stick-on-a-string

    This is a stick with a stringy sinew tied to one end. What's brown, sticky, and stringy?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Either Slightly Damages or Slight Weakens Foes


    Batfactors data:
    6.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

top
possessed top

    Unlike other tops, this top spins itself. Doubly unlike other tops, this one occasionally levitates and vomits pea soup all over everything. And you wouldn't believe the stuff it says about your mother.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{6,7,8}, def -{6,7,8}

evilkite
tree-eating kite

    This kite has evolved to prey on one of a normal kite's natural predators, the kite-eating tree. You can probably fly it up to the highest height without worrying about losing it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 29 Meat.

    Deals 20-25 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    22.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

maskball
fancy dress ball

    This is a ball in an elaborate gothic Victorian-era costume. It is, however, still basically just a ball. It's never held for charity, though.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 31 Meat.

    Lets You Escape From Combat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway

stuffdopp
stuffed alien blob

    This is a faithful plush reproduction of a polymorphic, alien, people-ingesting blob. Well, not faithful to the point that it spews acid on you and tries to eat you, or anything. We're pretty sure.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 29 Meat.

    Randomly Becomes a Different Combat Item When Used


    Batfactors data:
    0 none,hot,cold,spooky,sleazy,stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

razoryoyo
razor-tipped yo-yo

    Okay, so this isn't so much a yo-yo as it is two circular saw blades glued onto an axle (which is painted a lovely shade of rose) with a string wound around it. It makes playing with a yo-yo much more exciting than it usually is. Which, y'know, isn't hard.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 31 Meat.

    Deals 30-40 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    40 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

soldier
toy mercenary

    Mercy me, it's a mercenary! This is the little guy that lurks in the miniature underbrush, looking to garrote your toy soldiers and steal their supplies. He's not the most pleasant guy to have around, but he is fiercely loyal, in that he stays bought.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 79 Meat.

    Charges Meat to Attack Foes


    Batfactors data:
    32.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: meat -5.0

spheremoss
mossy stone sphere

    This is a stone sphere about the size of a large softball, or a small cantaloupe. The surface is covered with a thin layer of moss, indicating that it hasn't been doing much rolling.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Mysterious, Deprecated


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

spheresmooth
smooth stone sphere

    This is a stone sphere about the size of a large softball, or a small cantaloupe. The surface is so smooth, you're like "Damn, Gina," and it's like "Awwwww yeahhhhh."

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Mysterious, Deprecated


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

spherecrack
cracked stone sphere

    This is a stone sphere about the size of a large softball, or a small cantaloupe. The surface is covered with tiny cracks -- in fact, it's so cracked that, when you spy it, it makes you mad, viz. angry (as opposed to crazy).

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Mysterious, Deprecated


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

sphererough
rough stone sphere

    This is a stone sphere about the size of a large softball, or a small cantaloupe. The surface is rough and pitted, making it look like a golf ball from the Fluffy Butt Kingdom Pro Tour.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Mysterious, Deprecated


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

tinyblowgun
pygmy blowgun

    This is a tiny blowgun, preloaded with some sort of poisonous dart. It's about the size of a drinking-straw, but I strongly recommend you don't use it that way.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 122 Meat.

    Poisons enemies, dealing damage over multiple rounds


    Batfactors data:
    25 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

claybottle
bottle of alcohol

    This is a rough clay bottle filled with alcohol. Not the good, drinkable kind, but the kind you use to make jets of flame shoot out of your mouth and then eventually die of liver failure due to the accumulated damage caused by swallowing a tiny amount of the stuff every time some drunk at a party asks you to "do that awesome fire thing that you do."

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Deals 45-60 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    55 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

blpepper
black pepper

    This is a shaker of finely-ground black pepper. Maybe you can use it to fend off those giant hotdogs and fried eggs that keep chasing you around. Maybe you should also stop drinking so much.

    (Cooking ingredient)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 40 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{7,8.5,10}, def -{7,8.5,10}

bong
water pipe bomb

    The hippy army has retrofitted these glass sculptures with fuses and capped the ends, effectively turning them into pipe bombs filled with foul-smelling water.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 55-75 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    65 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

nitrous
gas balloon

    This is a balloon filled with a potent knockout gas, used by the hippy army to knock their opponents out. If looks could kill, they probably will.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 3.5

beer
beer bomb

    This is a can of beer that was found in the attic of the Orcish Frat House just prior to the war. It had been up there for years and years -- so long that the beer inside has gone horribly, horribly bad, and the can is bulging and distended.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 55-75 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    65 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

radiogaga
superamplified boom box

    This is a boom box modified by the frat boy engineers, who have managed to turn the bass up to a nearly impossibly-high level. When activated, it will emit a single, booming bass note, knocking out anything in the vicinity with a concussive blast. After that single ground-shaking, speaker-blowing, eardrum-shattering utterance, it will remain forever silent. Kinda sad if you think about it, bra.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 90-100 Physical Damage
    Weakens Enemies Somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    95 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{8,9,10}, def -{8,9,10}, stun

chimes
communications windchimes

    This is a set of windchimes used by the Army of One Love™ to communicate over vast distances. Well, for certain definitions of "vast." "Within earshot," let's say.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 45 Meat.

    Summons Hippy Army Aid


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

poultice
filthy poultice

    This is a filthy rag soaked in mud -- it's what hippy "doctors" use to "cure" peoples' "wounds."

    I'm not at all sure why I put the quotes around "wounds." Sorry.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Restores 80-120 HP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{80,100,120} damage to self

smokebomb
green smoke bomb

    This is one of the smoke bombs used by the War Hippy Green Ops to disappear without a trace. Well, without a trace other than a huge butt of green smoke, but that's not really, like, a trace trace. Is it?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure
    (Probably)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

bananapeel
banana peel

    Ah, the humble banana peel, bane of vaudeville comics everywhere.

    Is there some inherent property in a banana peel that makes it slipperier than other fruits? Or would an orange peel, discarded on the ground, be equally dangerous, but -- as oranges are less intrinsically comical than bananas -- less humorous?

    Obviously some serious scientific investigation is warranted.

    Type: combat item

    Comedy!


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 2

potion7
banana spritzer

    This is a refreshing tonic flavored with bananas. It's quite fizzy and tingly... unless maybe you're just allergic to bananas? You're not, are you?

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Restores 40-100 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp {40,64,98}

chlororag
chloroform rag

    This is a rag soaked with chloroform. You could hold it up to somebody's face and ask them "Does this smell like chloroform to you?" If it did, they wouldn't be able to answer, on account of the fact that they'd be unconscious. If it didn't, they'd just look at you weird and move to a different seat on the bus.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 3.5

smokebomb
depantsing bomb

    This is one of those hilarious pranks that frat boys are always playing on each other. By "hilarious," of course, I mean "somewhat pervy, and pretty annoying." It's a small bomb that, when thrown, produces a localized magical field that causes people's pants to fall off. They can pull them back up, of course, but it's too late. You've seen everything.

    Oddly enough, the spell is so strong that it causes people's pants to fall off even if they're not wearing pants, and even if they don't even have legs. Weird, man.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 130 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{15,17.5,20}, def -{15,17.5,20}

molotov
molotov cocktail cocktail

    This is a molotov cocktail mixed with high-proof rum, making it even more volatile and flammable. I'd recommend against drinking it, though, unless your stomach is frozen for some reason and you're trying to thaw it out.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 65-80 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    72 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

gauzegarter
gauze garter

    This is a garter worn by sorority nurses. When they encounter a wounded frat boy, they remove it, slowly and seductively, and then apply it to the wound. Nobody's quite sure if the healing effect is psychosomatic or not. Or if it's addict insane or not. Don't play that game.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Restores 80-120 HP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{80,100,120} damage to self

documents
jam band flyers

    This is a stack of flyers promoting some ridiculous hippy jam band.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Advertise!


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

documents
rock band flyers

    This is a stack of flyers promoting some ridiculous top 40 rock band.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Advertise!


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

cloaca
New Cloaca-Cola

    Right before the climax of the Cola Wars, Cloaca Cola, in a bold marketing move, started selling New Cloaca Cola. The only difference was the can, but people were so resistant to the change that they defected in droves to the Dyspepsi faction. Cloaca Cola soon realized its mistake and changed the cans back, making this one somewhat of an antique.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Restores 140-160 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 150

vial
scented massage oil

    This is a small vial of oil used by the Cobb's Knob Harem Girls to give sensuous massages. It smells like a combination of peppermint and pigsty.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Restores all HP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -maxhp damage to self
    Specials: stun

moonshine
poltergeist-in-the-jar-o

    If somebody first produced a pistol, and then produced a rapier, you wouldn't be scared at all if you had this thing. It's an ordinary glass jar, containing a powerful, angry poltergeist. Open up this jar-o, and it's a whack for that daddy-o!

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 200-250 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    225 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

moonshine
unnatural gas

    This is a jar of weird-smelling vapor produced by the off-gassing of magical petroleum reactions. It doesn't smell bad, exactly, just... weird.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies a lot


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -45, def -45

page
Goodfella contract

    This is a contract given to you by your Penguin Goodfella. The print at the bottom is so fine you can't actually read it. Guess you'll just have to use it and see what happens.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded

    Make your Goodfella an offer he can't refuse


    Batfactors data:
    fweight*{2,3,4} perfect damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: meat -fweight*3

syringe2
odor extractor

    This is an empty one-use syringe with a special needle designed to extract the odor from things.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded

    Capture a monster's smell so you can track down similar monsters


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom attract

troporchid
tropical orchid

    This brightly-colored flower has an almost intoxicating scent. In fact, you're starting to... feel a little... yawn...

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 31 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{1,4,7}, def -{1,4,7}, stun 0.5

dynamite
stick of dynamite

    This is a stick of very old dynamite -- so old, in fact, that the nitroglycerin has begun to sweat out of it and crystallize on the surface. This is extremely dangerous, but as long as you don't gesture animatedly with it while you're talking about how dangerous it is, you should be fine.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 31 Meat.

    Deals 15-20 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    17.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

magnet2
molybdenum magnet

    This isn't a guy who's wealthy because of his huge molybdenum-mining empire -- that'd be a molybdenum magnate. And it's not gonna teach you how to dance, or ring your little bell, that'd be a monster magnet. What it is is a powerful magnet that only attracts things made of molybdenum.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Attracts Molybdenum


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

disease
ancient spice

    This is an ancient pile of valuable and delicious spice. Yep. That's totally what this is. It's not the dusty remains of long-disintegrated organs. Not at all. It's definitely spice.

    (Cooking ingredient)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 125 Meat.

    Deals 30-40 Physical Damage
    Weakens Enemies a Little Bit


    Batfactors data:
    35 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

scpowder
powdered organs

    These organs have definitely seen better days -- they look like they've been run through an organ grinder. Or perhaps his monkey.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 75 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: notmonster Ed the Undying, att -{10,11,12}, def -{10,11,12}

realbrain
half-rotten brain

    Y'know how they say watching too much television will turn your brains to mush? Well, that's not exactly true. A combination of disembodiment, time, and environmental bacteria, though, that will actually turn your brain to mush. Much like it's doing to this one.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 24 Meat.

    Disappoints Zombies


    Batfactors data:
    {60,80,100} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: monster conjoined zmombie

bonesaw
rusty bonesaw

    This is a saw of the type used by doctors to cut bones during surgery. Here's an interesting bit of trivia -- do you know why people sometimes refer to a doctor as a "sawbones"? It's because the first person to ever practice medicine was named Rusty Sawbones! Isn't that fascinating?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Saws bones


    Batfactors data:
    {60,80,100} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: monster giant skeelton

puzzlebox
plus-sized phylactery

    This ornate carved wooden box is the container for the soul of a lihc. And you know what they say about the size of a lihc's phylactery. Don't you?

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Contains the soul of a specific lihc


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, endscombat

spraycan
can of Ghuol-B-Gone™

    This is a can of Ghuol-B-Gone™ brand ghuol repellent. Ghuol repellent? Who needs this? I mean, really, aren't ghuols repellent enough on their own? I tell ya, I get no respect.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Repels Ghuols


    Batfactors data:
    {60,70,80} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: monster huge ghuol

locust1
bronzed locust

    This is one of the bronzed locusts from a plaque of locusts (an unlikely entomological phenomenon generally attributed to the high level of background magical radiation in deserts). Even though it's been separated from its magically animated plaque, it practically hums with mystical energy.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a lot


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{20,25,30}, def -{20,25,30}

scpowder
handful of sand

    This is... well... it's a handful of sand. There's not much you can say about sand, really. It's like dirt, only more granular. Spanish for sand is arena. If you had an hourglass to watch the sand fall through, that'd be a poignant (if melodramatic) metaphor, but you don't have an hourglass. So yeah. Sand. Go ahead and count the grains if you want; seriously, go crazy. We won't make you count three million, though -- that would just be rude.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Make stuff out of it!
    Weakens Enemies a Little Bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{5,7.5,10}, def -{5,7.5,10}

brick
brick of sand

    This is a brick made out of tightly compressed sand. Apparently, someone told you to go pound sand and you took them at their word -- here's hoping no one tells you take a long walk off a short pier. Even though it's made of crumbly sand, it looks like it'd be strong enough to build things with, if you had enough of them.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Deals 60-80 Physical Damage
    Weakens Enemies a Lot


    Batfactors data:
    70 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 2

palmfan
palm-frond fan

    All right! Wooooo! Palm fronds are totally awesome!

    *Ahem* This is several palm fronds woven together to make a serviceable fan. It's not the best fan in all of fandom, but it'll do in a pinch. Speaking of which, don't get your fingers too close to the places where the fronds are woven together.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Restores 35-45 HP and MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{30,35,40} damage to self
    Specials: mp {30,35,40}, !! restores more out of combat

palmnet
palm-frond net

    The net worth of a palm frond is fairly low, but the net worth of this net is pretty high. It's made of palm fronds carefully woven together until they're strong enough to catch a fish (if fish lived in, say, the ocean instead of down in the mines) or immobilize an enemy.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 130 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{8,10,12}, def -{8,10,12}, stun

raccoon
rocky raccoon

    This is a plush toy shaped like a raccoon. It'd be adorable and kid-friendly, except for some reason it's been stuffed with rocks instead of, say, sawdust. As such, it's not particularly safe for children, but it makes a heck of a flail.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 75 Meat.

    Deals 50-60 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    55 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

bigbomb
big boom

    This is a big bomb made by the Lighthouse Keeper on the island, bumpty-bump. It'll make a big boom, big boom!

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 80-120 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    100 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun

moonshine
jar of swamp gas

    This is a tightly-sealed jar of strange green gas. As you gaze into it, you seem to see flashing lights -- either there's something going on inside that gas, or you should really see an optometrist.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 20-30 Stench Damage
    Stuns enemies for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    25 stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

hotfeather
flaming feather

    This is a feather from a flaming duck. It's always a good idea to duck a flaming duck, if one is thrown at you. Burning feathers smell almost as lovely as burning hair, but with this one, the heat is far more important than the smell. Trust us.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 80-120 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    100 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

coldfeather
frozen feather

    Generally, if you're going to freeze a duck, you should take the feathers off first. Someone didn't follow this advice, and now you've got this frozen feather. I guess you could use it to tickle a snowman. I mean, if that's your thing.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 80-120 Cold Damage


    Batfactors data:
    100 cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

spookyfeather
frightful feather

    This is a feather plucked from the dark wing of a genuinely spooky duck; quite possibly plucked from the same duck that modeled for all those vampire-ducks-on-strings that were popular in the Kingdom a while back. If you stuffed a pillow with these things, you'd have nightmares that would make David Lynch directing a David Cronenberg adaptation of a Stephen King script look tame.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 80-120 Spooky Damage


    Batfactors data:
    100 spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

stenchfeather
fetid feather

    I'll be delicate and say this feather was probably plucked from somewhere near the south end of a north-facing duck. Those stench-lines coming off of the illustration aren't mere artist's fancy; you can literally see the stink coming off of it. Literally.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 80-120 Stench Damage


    Batfactors data:
    100 stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

sleazefeather
flirtatious feather

    This is a feather plucked from the kind of duck who doesn't wear pants and doesn't care who knows it. The feather curls flirtatiously, waves saucily in the breeze, and practically drips with insouciant coquettishness.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 80-120 Sleaze Damage


    Batfactors data:
    100 sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

music
Bohemian rhapsody

    This is the sheet music for one of the songs the Bohemians are always going on about (you know, the songs that won't be written until a hundred years after they've cribbed the lyrics from them). It looks like it has some seriously dangerous high notes in it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Deals Physical Damage based on your Level


    Batfactors data:
    36.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

scepter
spectre scepter

    This is a smoky gray crystal rod, finely engraved with ancient glyphs and images of the four ancient gods of the Hidden City. It hums with magical power, and holding it makes you want to lay the smite down on some infidels.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded

    Invoke the Ancient Gods!


    Batfactors data:
    {7,8.5,10}*0.5 hot,none damage to opponent
    -{4,4.5,5}*0.25 damage to self
    Specials: att -{1,2,3}*0.25, def -{1,2,3}*0.25, stun 0.25

stonefrisbee
stone frisbee

    This is one of the discs that the cavehippies use in one of their primitive religious rituals. They all arrange themselves motionless on a field in the dead of night, and take turns throwing the heavy stone disc at each other until one of them dies from repeated hits. The grisly ritual supposedly ensures a bountiful harvest.

    Modern hippies carry on the tradition with a lightweight plastic disc and, as usual, completely fail to get the point.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 200 Meat.

    Deals 80-100 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    0.9*{80,90,100} damage to opponent
    0.1*{40,45,50} damage to self

football
ovoid leather thing

    This looks like some caveman's attempt to make a ball by sewing together animal skins and inflating them. His underdeveloped brain and clumsy, stubby fingers prevented him from making a sphere, though: there are large, sloppy stitches on the top, and the whole thing's shaped like an oval that comes to a sharp point at the short ends.

    Oddly enough, modern frat boys use similar objects when they want to throw a ball around. But is it a surprise that frat boys and cavemen think alike?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 80-100 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    0.9*{80,90,100} damage to opponent
    0.1*{40,45,50} damage to self

powder
shrinking powder

    This is a tiny bag of the powder the pygmies use to shrink peoples' heads. Be careful not to spill any in your lap.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Reduce an enemy's size (Hit Points) by 35-50%


    Batfactors data:
    monsterhp*0.575 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

cruft
floorboard cruft

    This is a little pile of stuff from the passenger-side floorboard of one of the hippy army's cars. It's one third nasty matted hair, one third rotting organic food crumbs, and one third filthy hippy foot crust. It is seriously one of the most disgusting things you've ever laid your hands on.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 100-120 Stench Damage
    Weakens Enemies Somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    110 stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 2

sausagebomb
sausage bomb

    This is a spicy sausage that has been cooked on a frat army grill until it's ready to explode with flavor. Wait, no, not flavor -- it's ready to explode with boiling grease. My mistake -- it's so easy to confuse the two.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 120 Meat.

    Deals 100-120 Sleaze Damage
    Weakens Enemies Somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    {80,100,120} sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{15,17.5,20}, def -{15,17.5,20}, stun 2

bell
Harold's bell

    This is a bell once carried by Harold. Once you gave him back his hammer, he didn't need it anymore. Win-win!

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Banishes a monster for a while


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom banish 20, endscombat

gizmo
Gnomitronic Hyperspatial Demodulizer

    You have no idea how this thing works or what exactly it does, but apparently you can zap things with it and it buffs you up somehow.

    It probably has something to do with quantums.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 999 Meat.

    Science!


    Batfactors data:
    11 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once

swampgas
bottled swamp gas

    You managed to trap the remnants of a smell-o-the-wisp in a glass bottle -- you keep a supply of them on hand, in case you want to collect some troll sweat or whatever. The empty ones don't show up in your inventory screen, because why bother? They're empty.

    Anyway, you figure you could maybe throw this at someone, and the bottle would break and they'd smell like gross swamp gas, which would be unpleasant for them.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 32 Meat.

    Deals 15-20 Stench Damage
    Weakens Enemies Very Slightly


    Batfactors data:
    {15,17,19} stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -2, def -2

This item is not yet implemented.
book4
The Big Book of Pirate Insults

    This book claims to contain 1,001 insults, taunts, and put-downs for any occasion... well, any occasion involving pirates, anyway. It's got everything from the old classics ("You fight like a dairy farmer!") to the newest snaps ("Yo captain's so fat, when they load his booty on the ship, there's no room left for any treasure!"). Guaranteed to put the saltiest bilge-rats and scallywags in their place!

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 250 Meat.

    Use it to insult Pirates


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, att 0.3*buffedmox

napkin
cocktail napkin

    This is a smallish, cheap square napkin designed for use in bars -- as a coaster, as a spur-of-the-moment scratch pad, folded up to stabilize a wobbly barstool, used to wipe up drink spills and/or various unsavory (and unsweet) bodily fluids -- anything, really. Its uses are as myriad as the reasons to drink!

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Deals 20-40 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    35 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

tube
Tom's of the Spanish Main Toothpaste

    This is a tube of toothpaste made specifically for pirates. Specifically, pirates aren't fans of fancy toothpastes, with their "pleasant flavor" and their "breath freshening." It's pretty much straight baking soda and hydrogen peroxide. It only makes your mouth taste slightly worse than it does when you wake up first thing in the morning.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: notmonster toothy pirate, att -{6,7,8}, def -{6,7,8}, !! mp 100-150 vs. toothy

clingtangle
clingfilm tangle

    This is a messy tangle of clingfilm. When you think of all of the messy tangles clingfilm has gotten you out of, it's kind of ironic that you've gotten clingfilm into this one.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 2.5

scpowder
handful of sawdust

    This is a handful of the sawdust that the curmudgeonly pirates use to clean up puddles of vomit. Given that a pirate ship combines the twin delights of seasickness and alcohol abuse, there are always plenty of such puddles around. Thankfully, this handful of sawdust doesn't appear to have been used yet.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{4,7,10}, def -{4,7,10}

ccannonball
cursed cannonball

    This is a cannonball from a cursed cannon, from the cursed deck of a cursed ship. If you had a dictionary that was missing so many pages that "heavy" was right next to "spooky," this would be the picture next to those two words.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Spooky Damage based on your Muscle


    Batfactors data:
    buffedmus/2+1 spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

voodooskull
cursed voodoo skull

    This is a tiny skull on a string. It's unclear whether the skull was shrunk by some sort of voodoo ritual, or whether it came from a tiny person. What is clear is the sense of foreboding that this thing creates in you, with its little empty eye sockets and everything.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Hot Damage and Spooky Damage based on your Mysticality


    Batfactors data:
    buffedmys hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

scroll1
cursed dirty joke scroll

    This is a scroll on which is written one of the dirtiest jokes known to piratekind. And if you know pirates like I know pirates, you know that that is really saying something.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Sleaze Damage and Spooky Damage based on your Moxie


    Batfactors data:
    buffedmox spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

gyroscope
gyroscope

    Man, this thing is spooky. Once it gets spinning, no matter how you try to tilt it, it'll remain upright. It's so eerie you half expect it to rise off the table and demand to be taken to your leader.

    The name's a little misleading though, I must admit. It won't help you find any tasty Greek sandwiches.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Briefly distracts enemies


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun

buckyball
buckyball

    It's a child's toy! It's a molecule! It's a child's toy *and* a molecule! Yup, this is a single molecule of carbon that's not only large enough to see with the naked eye, but large enough to play volleyball with. If it were any bigger, hippies would cut it in half to make houses out of it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 31 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway

deathbot
toy deathbot

    Let's face it; it gets boring having your toys fight each other all the time. I mean, you can only go so far with it before you get depressed about toy's inhumanity to toys, and you end up making them all go AWOL. Well, now you can have them all unite for the common good -- your knights, cowboys, tories, ninjas, and pirates can all team up to fight an unstoppable killing machine from the future. Think of the vicarious lessons you'll learn about cooperation and sharing! Of course, the deathbot will mop the floor with them, but then you'll have room for some new toys!

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 79 Meat.

    Deals damage in exchange for some of your blood


    Batfactors data:
    max(5,floor(0.1*maxhp))+25 damage to opponent
    max(5,floor(0.1*maxhp)) damage to self

razoryoyo
monomolecular yo-yo

    This is an extremely sharp blade hung from a molecule-thick wire. It slices through things so easily, it'll probably take your opponents a while to realize that you've turned them into julienne fries.

    I recommend against trying any of those cat's cradle-type string tricks, at least if you like your fingers.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 31 Meat.

    Deals 35-45 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    40 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

stuffdopp
stuffed gray blob

    This is a plush reproduction of everyone's favorite nanotechnological accident -- you know, when molecular disassemblers run amok and turn everything they touch into gray sludge? This is like that, except cute, and you get to keep your hands after you've played with it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 29 Meat.

    Randomly becomes a different combat item when used


    Batfactors data:
    0 none,hot,cold,spooky,sleazy,stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

scoutdrone
mylar scout drone

    This is a lightweight single-fixed-wing scout drone, designed to sail on the wind high above an enemy encampment for observational purposes.

    Or in regular language, a shiny silver kite with a camera on it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 29 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{10,11,12}*0.7, def -{10,11,12}*0.7, stun 0.7

metalfeather
killing feather

    This is a razor-sharp feather from a metal bird. Polly want a severe laceration.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 100-120 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    110 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ringa
golden ring

    This is a hefty golden ring. It's lost some of its luster since you beat the crap out of it (or pickpocketed it from another golden ring you were fighting), but it's still sort of shiny.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies a lot


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: notmonster gaudy pirate, att -{20,25,30}, def -{20,25,30}, !! meat 500 vs gaudy

roboegg
robotronic egg

    This is an egg laid by a robotic goose. It's not golden (though it probably does have some gold wire in its circuits) but it definitely glitters, on account of all of the tiny flashing lights. If there was also an adage about how everything that beeps a lot is not gold, you could put another sentence here similar to the last one.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Crazy robotronic action!


    Batfactors data:
    14.2 damage to opponent
    11.7 damage to self
    Specials: stun 0.20,

swarmer
rogue swarmer

    Oh my God. It's gone rogue.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Physical Damage based on how many swarmers you have


    Batfactors data:
    floor(50+10*itemamount^0.7) damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

sawbladebit
sawblade fragment

    This is a fragment of a razor-sharp sawblade that was made, as it turns out, of an advanced ceramic that is incredibly sharp on the edges when it gets broken. So, yeah. If you thought the outside of the blade was sharp, you'll think again when you see the inside edges of this chunk. Like that guy in the alley, it'll cut you if you just look at it funny.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 100-150 Physical Damage and causes additional Bleeding over time


    Batfactors data:
    125 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

battery
unstable laser battery

    This isn't, as you might expect, a bunch of laser cannons mounted on a wobbly platform. It's a damaged battery, humming, sparking, and steaming because of some advanced and dangerous form of fusion, or fission, or fumption. Anyway, it looks pretty dangerous, so you should probably throw it at something at your earliest convenience.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 200-250 Hot Damage
    Briefly stuns enemies


    Batfactors data:
    225 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ministomper
Miniborg stomper

    This is a miniature version of one of the Crimborg stompers -- it's got tiny little giant boots. Which... I guess makes them just small. They're still way out of proportion with the rest of him.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 15-20 Physical Damage
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    17.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ministrangler
Miniborg strangler

    This is a miniature version of one of the Crimborg stranglers -- it's too small to really effectively choke a human, but it'd probably be good at choking, like, a duck, or a turkey, or something.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies slightly
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{3,4,5}, def -{3,4,5}

minilaser
Miniborg laser

    This is a miniature version of one of the Crimborg lasers. The sounds its laser beams make are so quiet that they're really more "mew-mew" than "pew-pew." Those laser beams could really use some more dynamite.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 15-20 Hot Damage
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    17.5 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

minibeeper
Miniborg beeper

    This is a miniature version of one of the Crimborg beepers. Not, like, the things they wear so that the people who want to buy drugs from them can reach them easily, but their security drones.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 20-25 Physical Damage and hurts you a little bit
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    {20,22.5,25} damage to opponent
    {15,17.5,20} damage to self

hiveminder
Miniborg hiveminder

    This is a miniature version of one of the core organisms of the Crimborg collective -- the hiveminder. It's a creepy little brain with a bunch of wires, tubes, and gizmos attached to it. But then again, aren't we all?

    Type: usable (also usable in combat) (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies somewhat
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

destroyobot
Miniborg Destroy-O-Bot

    This toy combines the powers of 5 interlocking miniborg warriors (sold separately, batteries not included) to form an awkwardly-proportioned killing machine.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat) (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 10-15 Physical Damage
    Deals 10-15 Hot Damage
    Weakens Enemies Slightly
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    {20,25,30} none,hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{3,4,5}, def -{3,4,5}

divnoise
divine noisemaker

    This is a device, plucked from the divine aether, that makes a really annoying cranking sound when you spin it around. Like a record, baby, right round, round round.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Physical Damage based on your Muscle
    Makes you stronger when you use it


    Batfactors data:
    buffedmus damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

divstring
divine can of silly string

    This is a spray can of some sort of foamable resinous composition, plucked straight from the divine aether. When you depress the nozzle, a big blast of "string" comes out, if your definition of "string" includes a creepy clamminess and an abject uselessness as actual string.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Physical Damage based on your Mysticality
    Makes you smarter when you use it


    Batfactors data:
    buffedmys damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

divblowout
divine blowout

    If Jesus built a hot rod, could He install tires so durable that even He couldn't pop them? That's an interesting question, but it has nothing to do with this object. This is a party favor plucked from the divine aether, a cardboard tube with a rolled-up paper tube on one end and a cheap plastic reed on the other.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Physical Damage based on your Moxie
    Makes you cooler when you use it


    Batfactors data:
    buffedmox damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

divpopper
divine champagne popper

    This is a tiny plastic champagne bottle, plucked directly from the divine aether. Instead of a cork it has a tiny string, and when you pull the string, it makes a loud noise and shoots a bunch of foul-smelling singed tissue paper out of the other end. Festive!

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Banishes a monster for a while


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom banish 5, endscombat

divcracker
divine cracker

    This is not a honky deity, nor some immortal Gaijin. It's one of those weird British exploding paper tube things.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Steals an item from your enemy
    (Maybe)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{10,12.5,15}, def -{10,12.5,15}

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (ATTACK)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than a Louis Sachar novel.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 115 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (REPAIR)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than a Swiss colander.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 97 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (BUFF)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than the plot of a Dan Brown book.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 129 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (MODIFY)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than John Dillinger.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 213 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (BUILD)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than Bonnie and Clyde's car.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 165 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)