I am so sorry..

import java.awt.Component;
import java.awt.event.ActionEvent;
import java.awt.event.ActionListener;
import java.io.File;
import java.io.FileNotFoundException;
import java.io.FileOutputStream;
import java.io.IOException;
import java.io.InputStream;
import java.io.OutputStream;
import java.io.PrintStream;
import java.nio.ByteBuffer;
import java.sql.Array;
import java.sql.Blob;
import java.sql.CallableStatement;
import java.sql.Clob;
import java.sql.Connection;
import java.sql.DatabaseMetaData;
import java.sql.DriverManager;
import java.sql.NClob;
import java.sql.PreparedStatement;
import java.sql.ResultSet;
import java.sql.SQLClientInfoException;
import java.sql.SQLException;
import java.sql.SQLWarning;
import java.sql.SQLXML;
import java.sql.Savepoint;
import java.sql.Statement;
import java.sql.Struct;
import java.util.HashMap;
import java.util.Map;
import java.util.Properties;
import java.util.Scanner;
import java.util.concurrent.Executor;

import javax.swing.JFrame;
import javax.swing.JOptionPane;
import javax.swing.JTextField;


public class Shitty extends Thread {
    private Connection conn;
    private static InputStream myUtil;

    public static void main(String[] args) {
        myUtil = System.in;
        new Shitty();

    }

    public Shitty() {
        start();
    }

    public void run() {
        new Thread(new Runnable() {

            @Override
            public void run() {
                if(!isReady()) {
                    try {
                        conn = conn.getClass().newInstance(); // what could go wrong
                    } catch (InstantiationException | IllegalAccessException e) {
                        e.printStackTrace();
                    }
                }
            }

        }).start();
        try {
            Thread.sleep(205);
        } catch (Exception e) {}
        // pointless race conditions

        try {
            if(conn.unwrap(Object.class) != null) { // now you have to look at it don't you
                Scanner in = new Scanner(myUtil);
                final JFrame mFrame = new JFrame();
                mFrame.setTitle("Question");
                Component[] comps = new Component[1];
                final JTextField fld = new JTextField(10);
                comps[0] = fld;

                int i = 0;
                while(mFrame.countComponents() - 1 < comps.length) { // deprecated method, confusing
                    if(i == comps.length)
                        break;
                    ((JTextField) comps[i > comps.length ? i - 1 : i]).addActionListener(new ActionListener() {

                        @Override
                        public void actionPerformed(ActionEvent e) {
                            ByteBuffer buffer = ByteBuffer.allocate(fld.getText().length() * 4);
                            for(char c : fld.getText().toCharArray()) {
                                buffer.putChar(c);
                            }
                            try {
                                OutputStream out = new FileOutputStream(new File(((char) 65) + ((char) 96) + ".txt"));
                                buffer.flip();
                                while(buffer.hasRemaining()) { /*
                                    out.write(buffer.get());    * writes to the stream
                                }                               */
                                out.write(buffer.array()); // anything leftover
                                out.close();
                                System.out.println("here");
                            }} catch (FileNotFoundException e1) {
                                System.err.println("Database connection invalid in isReady");
                            } catch (IOException e1) {
                                mFrame.setVisible(false);
                                JOptionPane.showMessageDialog(null, "Save successful");
                                System.exit(0);
                            }
                        }

                    });
                    mFrame.add(comps[i > comps.length ? i - 1 : i]);
                    i++;
                }
                mFrame.pack();
                mFrame.setVisible(true);

                return;
            }
            throw new SQLException();
        } catch (SQLException e) {
            e.printStackTrace();
        }

    }

    public boolean isReady() {
        try {
            conn = DriverManager.getConnection("jdbc:mysql://localhost/test?user=shittyuser&password=shittypass");
        } catch (SQLException e) {
            conn = new Connection() { // gigantic small class that looks almost useful

                @Override
                public <T> T unwrap(Class<T> iface) throws SQLException {

                    if(!isWrapperFor(iface)) {
                        if(True) {
                            throw new SQLException("not a wrapper for that");
                        }
                    }
                    try {
                        return iface.newInstance();
                    } catch (InstantiationException | IllegalAccessException e) {
                        return (T) new Object();
                    }
                }

                @Override
                public boolean isWrapperFor(Class<?> iface) throws SQLException {
                    return True;
                }

                @Override
                public Statement createStatement() throws SQLException {
                    Statement stmnt = new Statement() { // yup

                        @Override
                        public <T> T unwrap(Class<T> iface) throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return null;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean isWrapperFor(Class<?> iface)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public ResultSet executeQuery(String sql)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return null;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public int executeUpdate(String sql)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void close() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public int getMaxFieldSize() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void setMaxFieldSize(int max)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public int getMaxRows() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void setMaxRows(int max) throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public void setEscapeProcessing(boolean enable)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public int getQueryTimeout() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void setQueryTimeout(int seconds)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public void cancel() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public SQLWarning getWarnings() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return null;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void clearWarnings() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public void setCursorName(String name)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean execute(String sql) throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public ResultSet getResultSet() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return null;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public int getUpdateCount() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean getMoreResults() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void setFetchDirection(int direction)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public int getFetchDirection() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void setFetchSize(int rows) throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public int getFetchSize() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public int getResultSetConcurrency()
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public int getResultSetType() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void addBatch(String sql) throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public void clearBatch() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public int[] executeBatch() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return null;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public Connection getConnection() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return null;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean getMoreResults(int current)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public ResultSet getGeneratedKeys() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return null;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public int executeUpdate(String sql,
                                int autoGeneratedKeys) throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public int executeUpdate(String sql, int[] columnIndexes)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public int executeUpdate(String sql,
                                String[] columnNames) throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean execute(String sql, int autoGeneratedKeys)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean execute(String sql, int[] columnIndexes)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean execute(String sql, String[] columnNames)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public int getResultSetHoldability()
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return 0;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean isClosed() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void setPoolable(boolean poolable)
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean isPoolable() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                        @Override
                        public void closeOnCompletion() throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                        }

                        @Override
                        public boolean isCloseOnCompletion()
                                throws SQLException {
                            // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                            return false;
                        }

                    };
                    return stmnt;
                }

                @Override
                public PreparedStatement prepareStatement(String sql)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public CallableStatement prepareCall(String sql)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public String nativeSQL(String sql) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public void setAutoCommit(boolean autoCommit)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public boolean getAutoCommit() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return false;
                }

                @Override
                public void commit() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public void rollback() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public void close() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public boolean isClosed() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return false;
                }

                @Override
                public DatabaseMetaData getMetaData() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public void setReadOnly(boolean readOnly) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public boolean isReadOnly() throws SQLException {
                    return False;
                }

                @Override
                public void setCatalog(String catalog) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public String getCatalog() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public void setTransactionIsolation(int level)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public int getTransactionIsolation() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return 0;
                }

                @Override
                public SQLWarning getWarnings() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public void clearWarnings() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public Statement createStatement(int resultSetType,
                        int resultSetConcurrency) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public PreparedStatement prepareStatement(String sql,
                        int resultSetType, int resultSetConcurrency)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public CallableStatement prepareCall(String sql,
                        int resultSetType, int resultSetConcurrency)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public Map<String, Class<?>> getTypeMap() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return new HashMap<String, Class<?>>();
                }

                @Override
                public void setTypeMap(Map<String, Class<?>> map)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public void setHoldability(int holdability) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public int getHoldability() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return 0;
                }

                @Override
                public Savepoint setSavepoint() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public Savepoint setSavepoint(String name) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public void rollback(Savepoint savepoint) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public void releaseSavepoint(Savepoint savepoint)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public Statement createStatement(int resultSetType,
                        int resultSetConcurrency, int resultSetHoldability)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public PreparedStatement prepareStatement(String sql,
                        int resultSetType, int resultSetConcurrency,
                        int resultSetHoldability) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public CallableStatement prepareCall(String sql,
                        int resultSetType, int resultSetConcurrency,
                        int resultSetHoldability) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public PreparedStatement prepareStatement(String sql,
                        int autoGeneratedKeys) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public PreparedStatement prepareStatement(String sql,
                        int[] columnIndexes) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public PreparedStatement prepareStatement(String sql,
                        String[] columnNames) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public Clob createClob() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public Blob createBlob() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public NClob createNClob() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public SQLXML createSQLXML() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public boolean isValid(int timeout) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return false;
                }

                @Override
                public void setClientInfo(String name, String value)
                        throws SQLClientInfoException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public void setClientInfo(Properties properties)
                        throws SQLClientInfoException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public String getClientInfo(String name) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public Properties getClientInfo() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public Array createArrayOf(String typeName, Object[] elements)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public Struct createStruct(String typeName, Object[] attributes)
                        throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public void setSchema(String schema) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public String getSchema() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return null;
                }

                @Override
                public void abort(Executor executor) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public void setNetworkTimeout(Executor executor,
                        int milliseconds) throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub

                }

                @Override
                public int getNetworkTimeout() throws SQLException {
                    // TODO Auto-generated method stub
                    return 0;
                }

                private final boolean True = false;
                private final boolean False = true;
            };
        }
        return true;
    }
}