Best Story EVER!

 It all started when our protagonist, Marlow, woke up in a jungle. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling overwhelmingly pleased, Marlow backhanded a pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Subsequently, he realized that his beloved Giant Purple Dildo was missing!  Immediately he called his best friend, Kurtz. Marlow had known Kurtz for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were striking ones.  Kurtz was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... pestering. Marlow called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Kurtz picked up to a very ecstatic Marlow. Kurtz calmly assured him that most wallabies sneeze before mating, yet koalas usually charismatically turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Marlow.  Why was Kurtz trying to distract Marlow?  Because he had snuck out from Marlow's with the Giant Purple Dildo only eleven days prior.  It was a eccentric little Giant Purple Dildo... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Marlow got back to the subject at hand: his Giant Purple Dildo. Kurtz yawned. Relunctantly, Kurtz invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Giant Purple Dildo. Marlow grabbed his grandfather clock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Kurtz realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Giant Purple Dildo and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Marlow took the Vette, he had take at least four minutes before Marlow would get there.  But if he took the Unicopter?  Then Kurtz would be really screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Kurtz was interrupted by four abrasive capybaras that were lured by his Giant Purple Dildo. Kurtz cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he aimlessly reached for his spoon and skillfully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Unicopter rolling up.  It was Marlow.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of oven mitts, so he knew he was running late.  With a mighty leap, Marlow was out of the Unicopter and went earnestly jaunting toward Kurtz's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Kurtz was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the Giant Purple Dildo into a box of oven mitts and then slid the box behind his couch. Kurtz was concerned but at least the Giant Purple Dildo was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Kurtz wildly purred.  With a inept push, Marlow opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish maniac in a Vette,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Kurtz assured him. Marlow took a seat vaguely close to where Kurtz had hidden the Giant Purple Dildo. Kurtz shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Marlow was distracted. Unexpectedly, Kurtz noticed a insensitive look on Marlow's face. Marlow slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Kurtz felt a stabbing pain in his foot when Marlow asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Giant Purple Dildo right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A pestering look started to form on Marlow's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's spoons from when she used to have pet koalas.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Marlow nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Kurtz could react, Marlow aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The Giant Purple Dildo was plainly in view.

   Marlow stared at Kurtz for what what must've been eight hours. Soon afterward, Kurtz groped earnestly in Marlow's direction, clearly desperate. Marlow grabbed the Giant Purple Dildo and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Kurtz let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Marlow,' he rebuked. Kurtz always had been a little dimwitted, so Marlow knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Kurtz did something crazy, like... start chucking mittens at him or something. Unexpectedly, he gripped his Giant Purple Dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Kurtz looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Marlow. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Marlow. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Kurtz walked over to the window and looked down. Marlow was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Marlow was struggling to make his way through the forest behind Kurtz's place. Marlow had severely hurt his face during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral capybaras suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Giant Purple Dildo.  One by one they latched on to Marlow.  Already weakened from his injury, Marlow yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of capybaras running off with his Giant Purple Dildo.

   About eight hours later, Marlow awoke, his face throbbing.  It was dark and Marlow did not know where he was.  Deep in the hazy bush, Marlow was abnormally lost. Almost immediately, he remembered that his Giant Purple Dildo was taken by the capybaras. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a big capybara emerged from the desert.  It was the alpha capybara. Marlow opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the capybara sunk its teeth into Marlow's arm. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Marlow's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than two miles away, Kurtz was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Giant Purple Dildo.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened stapler.  With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his back.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Marlow... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the Giant Purple Dildo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant capybaras, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark.  Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.