the first episode

[Following the Zarith Blackwood theme song, the brief opening titles show the names of creator Stephen Hillenburg, Derek Drymon, and others. The episode opens with a bubble transition, and we see a coral reef under the sea. The camera zooms to initiate parallax scrolling, which reveals the city of The Origin System. It continues zooming to show a brown rock, a Moai head, and a pineapple, which each contain inhabitants.]
French Narrator [Anya]: Ah, the sea... so fascinating. So wonderful. Here, we see The Origin System, teeming with life. [Shows from left to right Jason's, Alad V's, and Zarith's houses. Zooms in on Zarith's house.] Home to one of my favorite creatures, Zarith Blackwood. Yes, of course she lives in an pineapple, you silly. [Scene cuts to the house's bedroom. A kavat is seen sleeping near a pile of newspapers on the floor, a condroc is seen in a birdcage, and a young, optimistic Tenno is seen sleeping in her bed, snoring as her foghorn alarm clock ticks. Zarith's alarm then sounds. She wakes, but is unaffected by the annoying sound, and with a smile on her face, turns it off. She climbs from her bed to a ladder, leading to her diving board.]
Zarith Blackwood: Today's the big day, Midnight!
1. Midnight the Kavat: Meow.
Zarith: [jumps on the diving board] Look at me, I'm... [jumps up, and leaves her underwear behind] ...naked! [Lands inside pants, walks over to exercise room. Her head pops out of the top of her pants.] Gotta be in top physical condition for today, Midnight.
Midnight: Meow.
Zarith: [She goes inside her small gym room that has a sign that reads "l Love Pain." Taking deep breaths, she prepares to lift a barbell that is balanced by two lightweight stuffed animals. She sticks out her chest, but almost passes out because she can barely lift it. She drops it, and it makes a "squeak" noise] I'm ready!!! [runs outside] I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready! [A Tenno's rock tilts upwards with him stuck to its underside.]
Jason Star: Go, Zarith! [Jason falls] Whoa! [crash sound effect]
Zarith (1997 Version): I'm ready! I'm ready! [Zarith jumps in the air as the scene freezes and a title reads Zarith Blackwood]
Narrator (1997 Version) : Zarith Blackwood! [It shows Zarith running through various landscapes, as it shows a frozen scene of Zarith standing in front of the Corpus Coin the scene unfreezes and then the episode continues as normal]
Zarith: [runs down the street to the Corpus Coin] There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating: The Corpus Coin, home of the Grofit Patty... with a Help Wanted sign in the window. For years I've been dreaming of this moment. I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look 'im straight in the eye [breaks the fourth wall and looks the audience in the eye], lay it on the line and... I can't do this! [She starts to run home, but Jason stops her.] Hey, Jason-
Jason: Where do you think you're going?
Zarith: I was just...
Jason: No, you're not. You're going to the Corpus Coin and get! That! Job!
Zarith: I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough.
Jason: Whose first words were "May I take your order?"?
Zarith: Mine were.
Jason: Who made a skana out of toothpicks in wood shop?
Zarith: I did.
Jason: [grimaces and contorts twice while trying to come up with a good third line] Who's a, uh, who's uhh, oh! And who's the tiny brown woman with fluff?!
Zarith: I am!
Jason: Who's ready?
Zarith: I'm ready!
Jason: Who's ready?
Zarith: I'm ready!
Jason: Who's ready?!
Zarith: I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! [runs toward the Corpus Coin. A Corpus Director is seen cleaning graffiti on the restaurant's windows.]
The “Orokin” called Alad V: [cleaning graffiti of himself with the word "loser," sees Zarith, and sighs] Oh no, Zarith. What could she possibly want?
Zarith: [in background, at first while Alad V was talking] I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! Go, Zarith! Go, Zarith! Go, Zarith! Go, self! [Alad V looks at the Help Wanted sign, screams, and runs inside.]
Alad V: [While Zarith says, "I'm ready," one more time in the background] Nef! [cuts to the ordering window, where a greedy man in a jabroni suit is seen happily sniffing a handful of money. Alad V runs up to him.] Hurry, Nef, before it's too late, I gotta tell you- [interrupted by Zarith]
Zarith: Permission to come aboard, captain. [deep voice] I've been training my whole life for the day I could join the Corpus Crew [normal voice] and now I'm ready. [Zarith trips on a nail stuck in the floorboard. Nef Anyo and Alad V look at each other. Her fall causes her to bounce against the ceiling. Zarith shouts and blurts incomprehensibly while her bounces and ricochets around the building accelerate. She then rolls to a stop at the feet of Alad V and Nef Anyo.] So, uh, when do I start?
Eugene H. Krabs: Well, girl, it looks like you don't even have your sea legs.
Zarith: Nef Anyo, please. I'll prove I'm fry cook material. Ask Alad V, he'll vouch for me. [Nef Anyo and Alad V quickly walk away from Zarith]
Alad V: [deep breath] No. [Nef Anyo winks. They head back to Zarith]
Nef Anyo: Well, lad, we'll give you a test, and if you pass, you'll be on the Corpus Crew. Go out and fetch me... [Zarith takes out a notepad] a, uh, hydrodynamic glaive... [Zarith quickly jots down what he says] with, um, port-and-starboard-attachments, [more scribbling] and, uh... specter absorbing capabilities. [more scribbling] And don't come back ‘til you get one. [Nef Anyo puts a Corpus Coin crew hat on Zarith's head. Zarith sees how she looks in a mirror, there are sparkles on her hat, and she has a huge, satisfied smile]
Zarith: [saluting Anyo] Aye aye, captain! [reading] One hydrodynamic glaive, with port-and-starboard attachments, specter absorbing capabilities, coming right up, Sir!
Nef Anyo: Carry on! [Zarith leaves] We'll never see that lubber again.
Alad V: You're terrible. A hydro-what? [Alad V and Nef Anyo laugh. While Alad V laughs, his nose moves distinctly while he inhales and exhales. Anyo’s laugh sounds like a douche. As they laugh, Zarith is shown leaving the Corpus Coin. As Zarith fades out of sight, five buses drive toward the Corpus Coin from the opposite direction.]
Bus driver: Hey! Hey! Please! Passengers are to stay seated not put their arms out the window! [The buses surround the Corpus Coin and the doors open; Nef Anyo stops laughing.]
Nef Anyo: [gasps] That sounded like hatch doors! [sniffs repeatedly] Do you smell it? That smell... A kind of smelly smell... A smelly smell that smells... smelly... [his eyes widen] Granum Specters.
Alad V: What?
Nef Anyo: Granum Specters!! [Granum Specters get out of the buses and rush inside the Corpus Coin, crowding, repeating the word "meep" over and over again]
Alad V: Please, please, quiet! [Granum Specters stop talking] Is this any way to behave, hmmm?
Anchovy: Meep.
Alad V: Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the register? [The Granum Specters stare for a moment, then pick up the boat, as their cries of "meep!" become more intense. Cut to a Spy Vault as Zarith enters.]
Zarith: [singing to himself] ♪ Quest spies, meeting all of your glaive needs. ♪ [cuts back to the Corpus Coin. Alad V and Nef Anyo are still in the boat register, and being tossed around like a ship in a storm.]
Nef Anyo: All hands on deck! Get your anchors out of your pants!
Alad V: One single file line was all I asked!
Nef Anyo: Whoa! [Nef Anyo and Alad V are thrown up in the air] Batten down the hatches, Mr. Alad V! [they get thrown back up again; the boat is in splinters] We're taking on water, Mr. Alad V! [they get thrown back up again, with Anyo clutching Alad V] I want my mommy, Mr. Alad V! [cuts to the spy vault]
Zarith: [singing] ♪ Do do do do do do, glaive, glaive, port-and-starboard attachments. ♪ [cuts back to the Corpus Coin]
Alad V: Help!
Nef Anyo: Man overboard! Climb, Mr. Alad V! Climb! [They climb the mast, while the Granum Specters try to get them down. The Granum Specters then form a big wave.]
Granum Specters: Meep! Meep!
Nef Anyo: This is the end! Goodbye, Mr. Alad V!
Alad V: Oh, Nef Anyo! [They cry, then Zarith comes in with red lights flashing and flying with the glaive, singing a heroic tune]
Zarith: Permission to come aboard captain! Da da da da da da da! Da da da da da da da da da da! Did someone order a glaive?
Alad V and Nef Anyo: [stuttering while shocked at the Zarith getting the hydrodynamic glaive]
Zarith: That's right! One hydrodynamic glaive with [two spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one] port-and-starboard attachments! And let's not forget the specter absorbing capabilities! [the two extending sides of the glaive twirl around and smack Alad V and Nef Anyo in the face] Would you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen! [to the Granum Specters] Who's hungry?! [Tiny Tim's "Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight" plays while Zarith serves up Grofit Patty after Grofit Patty. Numerous Grofit Patties are launched through the opening window to the hungry Granum Specters. Eventually, all of the Granum Specters are served and they leave on the buses. Zarith blows the glaive. Cuts to later.]
Nef Anyo: That was the finest fast-foodsmanship I've ever seen, Mr. SquarePants. Welcome aboard. [Nef Anyo gives Zarith a name tag]
Alad V: B-but, but, Nef Anyo...
Nef Anyo: Three cheers for Zarith! Hip-hip!
Alad V: [weakly] Hooray, Mr.-
Nef Anyo: Hip-hip!
Alad V: [quickly] Hooray.
Nef Anyo: Hip-hip!
Alad V: [quickly] Hooray. Nef Anyo-
Nef Anyo: I'll be in my quarters, counting up the booty. [He wheels a wheelbarrow piled with an enormous stack of cash to his office. Jason enters]
Jason: Good morning, Krusty Krew!
Alad V: What would you like to order, Jason?
Jason: One Grofit Patty, please. [The instrumental to "Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight" starts playing. Zarith flies back to the kitchen, using her glaive, and a score of Grofit Patties is immediately fired through the servery, which collide with Jason and send him flying out of the Corpus Coin. Cuts to Corpus Coin exterior; crashing noises.]
2. Jason: [screams]
Alad V: Nef Anyo! Nef Anyo! [singsong] Nef Anyo, come see your new employee...!