Adhesive's Incredibly Horrible SS13 RPG

FOREWARD: ADVENTURERE! Thou hast irrevocably opened a TOME OF ANCIENTE SEKRITSE, spun in the loom of creation in the first era of the ICE MOON of GOON, by the cheeto-stained hands of the one known to the OLDE WORLDE as the archwizzle ADHESIVE, in a lapse of INCREDIBLIE POORE JUDGEMENTE. Realizing their terrible mistake, ADHESIVE locked away this ancient evil in the enchanted staff of Yewess Bee, which was then cast into SOME CARDBOARDE BOXESE and henceforth FORGOTTENE.

UNTIL NOW!!!!!!!! READER BEWARE, FOR MUCH LIKE CHUGGING FROM THE KEG OF KNOWLEDGE, YOU WILL SURELY LOSE BRAINCELLS FROM READING THIS! OoOoOOoOoOOOoooo!!!

CHARACTER CONSPECTUS


DORKOTH, 2nd level electrimagician.
10 AC
15 HP

Skills: Identify Machine, Mend Machine, Irrepairably Ruin Machine.

Equipment: Identifickation Rod, +1 Tool of Many Purposes, Gloves of +2 Protection


ROBUSTICUS, 2nd level sentry.
10 AC
15 HP

Skills: Harmful Swing, Lightning Powder, Unwavering Loyalty.

Equipment: Shock Mace, Mail of +3 Protection, Helm of +3 Protection


FARTSY, 0th level jester.
5 AC
10 HP

Skills: Curl Up, Cry Softly, Die Horribly.

Equipment: Flintlock of Eastern Descent.


Party has 500 kebabs (currency) to split between them.

SKILL CONSPECTUS



Electrimagician Skills

Identify Machine (1rst): An electrimagician can use their Identifickation Rod to determine what a machine's purpose is by waving it over the machine.

Irrepairably Ruin Machine (2nd): An electrimagician can intentionally destroy a machine in such a way that it can never be repaired again, even by an electrimagician. If an electrimagician rolls a 1 on a Mend Machine check, they automatically cast Irrepairably Ruin Machine instead.

Mend Machine (2nd): An electrimagician can user their Tool of Many Purposes to attempt to repair a non-functioning machine by beating it repeatedly

Blinding Flash (3rd): An electrimagician can wave their Tool of Many Purposes in the face of an enemy within arm's reach, which will then burst with light and stun their opponent for 1 round of combat. This can only be used 3 times a day.

Recreate Machine (4th): An electrimagician can use their Tool of Many Purposes, in combination with the necessary amounts of machinickal components, to create the machine their Identifickation Rod last identified.


Sentry Skills

Harmful Swing (1st): A sentry can use their Shock Mace to deliver a series of violent blows which have a DC15 check to knock the enemy over for 1 round of combat. If a sentry rolls a 1 on a Harmful Swing check, the attack is directed towards themselves instead of the original target.

Lightning Powder (2nd): A sentry can summon a pouch of Lightning Powder and cast it to the ground, where it will quake violently and then explode in a flash of stunning light and booming thunder after 1 round. All creatures who can see or hear the pouch are stunned for 1d6 rounds. When a sentry rolls a 1 on a Lightning Powder check, the Lightning Powder explodes in their hand. A sentry can only use this once per combat.

Unwavering Loyalty (2nd): A rank 2 sentry has been enchanted by the High King of Cannabolopolis' best robotisorcerors to be unable to be corrupted by foul majicks, or deviate from the path of sort-of-good. They automatically succeed all checks related to resisting outward influence.

Ranged Training (3rd): A sentry can learn to use ranged weaponry, such as the Shock Crossbow.

Bolt Burst (4th): A sentry can fire 4 bolts at once. This unconventional method of using a Shock Crossbow jams it until the sentry spends a round unjamming it.

Jester Skills

Curl Up (0th): A jester can curl up in the fetal position when faced with a threat. If they roll a natural 21 on a d20, they inspire pity within the attacker, and are unable to be hurt for 1 round.

Cry Softly (0th): A jester can cry softly, but only after using Curl Up. If they roll a natural 7 on a d6, the attacker is so offended by the weeping they will leave forever, never to be seen again.

Die Horribly (0th): A jester can die in a truly horrifying fashion, but only after using Cry Softly. If they roll a natural 1 on a d20, upon their death, they cause a thermonuclear explosion, destroying everything. Including the game. The game is over when this happens. Forever.

Perform [Longhorn] (1rst): A jester can attempt to inspire rage in their allies directed towards the party's enemies instead of the jester himself for once.

EQUIPMENT CONSPECTUS

NOTE: This is not an extensive list of what loot you may or may not find, it is very basic, however it is safe to say most if not all of it can be bought in shops.

Identifickation Rod: An electrimagician needs this to cast Identify Machine, by waving it over the machine in question. Shop Price: 50 Kebabs.

Tool of Many Purposes: An electrimagician needs this to cast Mend Machine or Irrepairably Ruin Machine, by hitting the machine in question with it repeatedly. Shop Price: 250 Kebabs.

Spectacles of Architecture: Green-tinted goggles that an electrimagician can use to see the size and shape of an adjacent room, even through walls, helping them find secret rooms. Shop Price: 100 Kebabs.

Shock Mace: A mace used by the vile greysuits and the marginally more honorable sentries. On a critical hit, it will stun the opponent for 1d6 rounds. It deals 1d6 damage. Just like everything else. Shop Price: 300 Kebabs.

Mail of Protection: Fairly common chainmail vests, typically worn by members of the Sentries. +2 to AC. Shop Price: 200 Kebabs.

Helm of Protection: Fairly common bowl-shaped helmet, typically worn by members of the Sentries. Good for keeping sandwiches in. +2 to AC. Shop Price: 200 kebabs.

Shock Crossbow: A long-ranged crossbow designed specifically for shock bolts. +2 damage to all shock bolts fired. 750 Kebabs.

Shock Bolt: A bolt designed to stun anyone it strikes for 1 round of combat. Shop Price: 15 Kebabs per bolt.

Perfectly Ordinary Bolt: A bolt which is a huge piece of shit and has nothing special about it at all ever under any circumstances whatsoever, including but not limited to enchanting and high praise.

Flintlock of Eastern Descent: When fired, roll a d6. On a 6, it explodes, killing the wielder instantly. Shop Price: 1 Kebab.

Primate Sandwich: The rations of choice for any self-respecting adventurer. Shop Price: 25 Kebabs.

Rock Pirate Rum: Rum brewed from only the finest rocks. When swigged, it grants the swigger +1 to all checks for 24 hours, except attack, which it penalizes -1. Both effects stack with additional bottles of rum. Shop Price: nil (brewed exclusively by rock pirates)

Longhorn of Sports: A longhorn which emits a noise so incredibly annoying that it causes any creature within arm's reach to strike out at the player. Shop Price: 500 Kebabs. (unfortunately shops refuse to buy these back. ever.)

Zircon Owl: A pure zircon statuette of an owl. It sells for 100 kebabs.

Frost Arachnid Silk: Cold silk which can be crafted into armor or sold for 50 kebabs apiece.

CAMPAIGN CONSPECTUS

The High King of Cannabolopolis himself has requested the party's audience. Unfortunately, Cannabolopolis is on the other side of the country.

First, after collecting their belongings, the party must make a decision: Over the frosty heights of Whindegu Mountains, or beneath them in the Caves of Maynnetince?

EASIER CAMPAIGN PREMISE

The High King of Cannabolopolis has grown tired of the Rock Pirate raids on his cities. You are to scale the Whindegu Mountains and slay Captain Swiggs himself.

LETTER

Adventurers Robusticus, Dorkoth & Fartsy,
I, the High King of Cannabolopolis, Guko Guana VI, call upon you to slay the Captain of the Rock Pirates, Swiggs himself. You are to find his base in the Whindegu Mountains and slay him. For this heroic act you will be rewarded handsomely. In Fartsy's case, the reward will be ugly. Everything about Fartsy is always ugly.
Signed, the High King of Cannabolopolis, Guko Guana VI.

WHINDEGU MOUNTAINS

Random Encounter Table

1: Party encounters 1 Whindeguano

2-3: Party encounters 3-6 Diminutive Frost Arachnids

4-5: Party encounters 2-4 Frost Arachnids

6-7: Party encounters 1-2 ruthless rock pirate buckarooneers.

8-9: Party encounters another adventuring party. Adventuring party is a band of 4 jesters with Longhorns of Sports.

10-11: Party encounters a wounded adventurer, freezing and dying. He is carrying a sack of loot, and promises it to them if they save him. If the party steals the loot, it is actually a bag full of novelty snakes, which are enchanted to act as real snakes. Otherwise, party is rewarded with 3 High Quality Primate Sandwiches and 1 Unusable Quality Shock Mace enchanted to radiate warmth when swung wildly. If they have already encountered the adventurer, reroll.

12-13: Party encounters a small smuggler's cave on a successful search check and receives 1 piece of random loot. See loot table.

14-15: Party encounters one of many passes around the mountains guarded by rock pirates. They must pay 50 kebabs to pass, or do battle with the rock pirates.

16-17: Party encounters 2-4 ruthless rock pirate buckarooneers.

18-19: Party encounters a rock.

20: Party encounters Captain Swiggs, the Captain of the rock pirates. He throws a bottle of rum at them, curses at them for a while and leaves.


WHINDEGU MONSTER TABLE

Whindeguanos

1-2
Large
15 AC
25 HP
+3 to all attacks
+2 to all damage

Howl: can inspire stunning terror for 2 rounds. DC10 check to resist fear.
Camoflauge: is invisible until aggrivated.

A horrifying monster that is snow-white, has beady eyes, rows of massive, sharp teeth and huge claws. For the mostpart, they can be docile enough to walk past distantly with no issues. In broad daylight or torchlight, however, they become extremely aggressive.


Frost Arachnids

Diminutive

3-6
Tiny
8 AC
1 HP
-5 to all attacks

Ice Poison: On successful attack, target is frozen for 1d6 rounds

A kind of adorable baby Frost Arachnid. It will still murder you dead.


Ordinary

2-4
Medium
10 AC
10 HP
Webbing: Can web up paralyzed victims, leaving them trapped for the rest of combat, or until they are cut free, which takes one round of combat and the help of someone else.

Lay Eggs: Can lay eggs in paralyzed victims. This takes 3 uninterrupted rounds of combat. If successful, target will explode into 1d6+3 Diminutive Frost Arachnids after 2d6 hours, unless someone cuts out the eggs, which causes 1d6 points of damage.

Ice Poison: On successful attack, target is frozen for 1d6-2 rounds.

A massive, blue spider with deadly poison which freezes the very blood of its victims.


Queen

Unique
Colossal
20 AC
100 HP
+5 to all attacks
+3 to all damage
Webbing: Can spray massive amounts of webbing over live and moving victims, forcing them to struggle for 1 round.

Manibles: The Queen Frost Spider can crush even the strongest armor with her mandibles, and ignores it completely when attacking.

Lay Eggs: Can lay eggs in paralyzed victims. This takes 1 uninterrupted round of combat. If successful, target will explode into 2d6+3 Diminutive Frost Arachnids after 1d6 hours, unless someone cuts out the eggs, which causes 2d6 points of damage.

The terrible queen frost arachnid, massive and hungry, some say she is invincible. Sometimes she sends hatchlings to terrorize villages and bring back human corpses.


Rock Pirates

Buccaneer

1-4
Medium
10 AC
15 HP

Wields Flintrock, Rock Pirate unique equipment, has no genuine machine origins, therefore cannot be identified or reproduced in any way by Electrimagicians, nor used by non Rock Pirates.

Flintrock: Fires pebbles at unthinkable speeds. The flintrock itself is also made out of stone. How the hell does this work? +1 to damage when firing pebbles.

Stone Cutlass: This is a really shitty cutlass. It is completely worthless in every imaginable way. -1 to damage.

Cruel men recently recruited by Cap'n Swiggs himself, eager to prove their worth by horribly killing some innocent rubes and stealing their crap.


Captain Swiggs

Unique
Medium
15 AC
20 HP
-2 to all attacks (he is very, very drunk)
+6 to melee damage (and very, very angry)

Swiggs' Flintrock: This is an extremely ornate Flintrock made of only the finest cut marble. +3 to damage when firing pebbles.

Swiggs' Cutlass: Oh shit it's a real cutlass. +3 to damage.

Swiggs' Curse: When Swiggs dies, he will be revived as a Jester of Pestilence, forced to leave behind his old belongings and life forever.

Swiggs is the dread Rock Pirate King. Unbeknownst to Fartsy, he killed his father when he did not amuse him enough. His beard reaches his knees.


Swiggs' First Mate

Unique (sort of)
Medium
14 AC
15 HP
+2 to unarmed melee damage
+2 to unarmed attack

Swigg's First Mate, who is often replaced. It is always a surly bald guy with an eyepatch, though.

LOOT TABLE: PIRATES/SMUGGLER DEN

1: Dirty Sock -1 (worn on head automatically)
2-3: 1d6 Shock Bolts.
4-5: Primate Sandwich.
6-7: Longhorn of Sports.
8-9: Ushanka of Warmth (Grants immunity to Ice Poison).
10-11: Rock Pirate Rum.
12-13: 10 Kebabs.
14-15: 25 Kebabs.
16-17: 50 Kebabs.
18-19: Flintlock of Eastern Descent.
20: Zircon Owl.


LOOT TABLE: FROST ARACHNIDS

1-5: Some fucking ice. Great. Goddamned great.
6-10: Exactly one kebab.
11-19: Frost Arachnid Silk.
20: It pukes up a Zircon Owl with a severed hand clinging desperately to it.