Taxes In Equestria

===================================================================================================================
An Anon wanted a "no means no" and "Anon does taxes" type of story.

Summary: Anon must file taxes and address the advances of Derpy

Posted in Thread 841
===================================================================================================================

>Day Taxes in Equestria
>As a responsible adult it was that time of the year
>The time where you round up all of your income and expenses for the government
>Mayor Mare had approached you and explained the process a few months prior
>Just a few simple forms to fill out
>Derpy was nice enough to offer delivering them to your house along with your regular mail when you’d need them
>Which should be today
>While you wait for the forms you grab the few things you’ll need and begin laying them out
>Parchment and quill
>Your trusty calculator
>A folder with your pay stubs and government aid reports
>and your green card
>What? You’re an alien

>A soft knock comes from the door
>Right on time, that must be Derpy
>A little softer than her usual manner though
>Opening the door you see that it is indeed Derpy
>She’s scoffing her hoof on the ground and looking down
“Hey Derpy, how’s it going?”
>She quickly brings her head back up to face yours but continues to avoid eye contact
>“Uh, hey Anonymous. Brought your mail.”
“I kind of figured. Thanks Derpy.”
>She reaches into her bag and hands you a few envelops
>You begin thumbing through them as she shuffles in place
>Usually she takes off by now

>Bill, bill, ad, ah here they are
>Just the forms you need
>Wait a minute
>What’s this pink envelope?
>Is this another fine?
>You immediately open it and begin reading
>Derpy’s shuffling intensifies

Put a bun in my oven
Spread your frosting all over my face
Make my flank rise like dough
and put me in my place

>….this isn’t a fine
>This isn’t a fine at all
>You look up from the letter at Derpy who is facing the ground again
>Derpy the Chameleon has changed from grey to beet red
“Derpy….”
>There’s a hint of accusation in your voice
“Did you write this?”
>She gives a tiny nod
“Who helped you write this?”
>“Pinkie.”
>Of course


>You go to open your mouth but Derpy cuts you off
>“I…I like you Anon….I like you like you. The serious kind.”
>Again you go to open your mouth but get cut off
>Derpy had flown up to meet your face with hers
>You gazed into her eyes awaiting her next move
>She looked right into your eyes and the neighboring tree
>Then suddenly dove in kissing you on the lips

>She presses the advantage while your brain tries to process everything
>Is that her tongue?
>Holy hell that’s long, bleh
>You push her off
>There’s a pop and her tongue follows a bit after her lips separate from yours

>Recovering from the attack on your tonsils you scold the pegasus
“Derpy, don’t ever do that again.”
>She could at least look guilty
>“But Anon, I really like you. Let’s go do those things the letter said.”
“Derpy no.”
>She presses herself against you in what you guess is her attempt to be sensual
>“Come on, rut me wild and call me trouble in the morning.”
“What? No. Derpy I’m not having sex with you.”
>You give her a slight shove separating the two of you
>She softly lands and goes back to looking at the ground defeated

>“I guess Rainbow’s advice didn’t work either.”
>There’s something wrong with her friends
“Derpy, you’re a pony and I’m a human. You smell like horse, I smell like old spice. We’re two very different beings”
>She’s still keeping her head low
>Is she sniffling?
“Alright look. First off, stop listening to sluts for dating advice. Secondly, you can’t assume what works on p0nies works on me.”
>With a quick wipe of her eyes she looks up at you
>“What works on you?”
“Thigh highs.”
>“Thigh highs?”
“Thigh highs; but that’s not the point. The point is you have to slow down a little, well a lot. You’re throwing yourself at me and you don’t even know how I feel.”
>Her crooked stare remains fixated on you, but you can see the gears working
>She’s at least giving what you said some thought
>After a few moments she gives a curt nod


>“Okay Anon, I can understand that. Sorry I pushed myself on you. Can we still be friends.”
“Of course Derpy. It’s water under the bridge.”
>“What water?”
“Nothing, just don’t worry about it. Now I’m going to go back inside.”
>As you turn to leave Derpy calls out for you again
>“Hey Anon…”
“Hmm?”
>“Do you like me?”
>Ha, the balls on this mare
“You’re alright Derpy. Tell you what, how about you and I go grab a bite to eat after work?”
>Her body springs to life like a bolt of electricity just ran through it as she bounces into the air
>“I’d love to! I get off at 3!”
“It’s a date. I’ll cya tomorrow Derpy.”
>“Bye Anon!”
>In an instant the bubbly grey pegasus is off and in full flight

>Well you have something to look forward to tomorrow
>but first those taxes
>Getting back inside you place the forms on the table and take a seat
>Everything is ready and laid out, just have to go through the steps
>First up identification

Your first name and initial: Anonymous, R.
Last Name: Jackoff
Residence: 123 Fake Street Ponyville, EQ
Foreign Country Name: Alternate Reality 1
Foreign province/ state/ country: Earth
Foreign Postal Code: lol
Marital Status: Single
Identification Code: ALI – HUM – 0001

>Simple enough
>Time for the big chunk
>Income, owed and paid
>Instead of filling the section out you flip to the next sheet
>This one requires the breakdown of your income and expenses
>Makes more sense to fill this out first and use the results for the other

>Cracking open the folder you begin splitting the papers into separate piles
>1 pile for paychecks
>1 pile for government aid
>1 pile for business expenses
>1 pile for charity write offs


>With everything in order the slow process of putting in all of the data begins
>For the next few hours the frantic taps of your calculator ring out followed by the sound of writing
>You double and triple check all the numbers just to be absolutely sure
>Don’t want the government knocking on your door
>Drats looks like you still owe them some money
>Is there anything else to aid to charity?
>Maybe some of your work could count as community service
>There’s still some time before the taxes are due
>If you adopted a few kids that would put you in a different tax bracket
>Just think of all the write offs that would include!

>No that’s silly
>Stop being silly
>They’d cost more in the long run
>You’ll just have to part with the 5 bits
>After all, it comes back to you eventually
>God bless government aid

===================================================================================================================
evets posted a picture of Derpy in stockings that spurned on a sequel
===================================================================================================================

>You’re cursing yourself internally
>You just planned to take Derpy out to someplace casual
>Since p0nies didn’t really wear clothes you didn’t feel the need to say anything about it
>Later the Gala incident came to mind
>P0nies dress up for special occasions
>And there’s no doubt Derpy has deemed this as one
>Why couldn’t you have remembered before you left the house?
>Now you’re stuck in the center of town waiting for her
>The town bell rings once signaling it’s 3:30

>“Hey Anon”
>Please let her be normal, please let her be normal
>You turn to face that all too familiar voice
>Th…th…thig…thighs….
>How?
>How do they even have such a thing?
>How could they possibly know of it?
>How did Derpy even get those….
>That white diamond’d hussy
>No doubt she was the provider

>“Sorry to keep you waiting Anon.”
>She’s right in front of you, her outfit in full display
>Her little dress and those stockings that go right up to her…
>Thighs

>Derpy does her signature shuffling once she notices your gaze
>“Do you like it?”
“How did you…”
>“I went to Rarity’s yesterday and asked her for some help and she made this. I had to go pick it up right after work so that’s why I’m a little late.”
>Was this fair?
>She’s learned your weakness
>She’s employed aid
>It’s a battle of the genders
>A battle of the species
>And you’re losing

>“Is it too…”
>You put up your hand and silence her
“Let me just….remember you this way”
>She sits down on her butt and scratches her face while blushing
>That’s it
>Game over
“I’m gonna destroy dat derriere”

>You and Derpy ended up married
>Which also made you Dinky’s Dad
>You never owed the government after taxes ever again
>Your life can’t possibly be this perfect
>but it is
>and they lived happily ever after
>The end