chemister unknown

Ral: Ah, how I have dreamed of this day. Mr. Zarek, Viceroy of the Izzet. What a marvelous opportunity for the people of Ravnica. Bring me your huddle masses of bored house wives and I will shape them into my image. [wife's head turns into Ral's and the husband notices] And I'll go down in history, someday. And there will be a wing with my name on it in all the museums of the world!
Janitor: Dude, you're teaching science at the Rec Center. Calm down.
Ral: Uncultured trash urchin. 9am. Time to let the class in. Well, don't want to keep them waiting any longer. [opens door] Welcome to science class!
Emmara: Oh, isn't this cooking? Sorry. [everyone leaves except one]
Mikula: Hi, Ral! Are you taking this science class, too?
Ral: Mikula? In science class? Wait! This is cooking! Come back! You gotta be kidding.
Mikula: [laughs] This is great! You and me in school together. So, where's the teacher?
Ral: You're looking at him.
Mikula: You are the teacher? To my pupil? This isn't science class, it's Heaven.
Ral: Yeah. Grab a little piece of Heaven and let's get with it.
Mikula: I'm ready, Mr. Zarek.
Ral: So, you wanna be a chemister, eh, Mikula?
Mikula: Yes, please.
Ral: Well, science is not all fun and games. [as he picks up a big stack of books] It's a lot of hard... [he drops the stack, which makes Mikula's desk hop in the air] ...work. OK. First, repeat after me: I have no talent.
Mikula: I have no talent.
Ral: Mr. Zarek has all the talent.
Mikula: Mr. Zarek has all the talent.
Ral: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Zarek’s talent will rub off on me.
Mikula: If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his Zarek on my art. [smiles. The scene cuts to Ral with a sad look on his face, the camera cuts back to Mikula and he is still smiling, the camera again cuts back to Ral]
Ral: Whatever. Ok. Since you're telling me you have no prior training, we'll have to start from square one. Or should I say circle one. [draws a crooked circle, then laughs] Am I going too fast for you Mikula?
Mikula: How's this, Ral?
Ral: What the? How the? A perfect circle? Do it again. Show your process.
Mikula: Well, first I draw this head. [draws an amazing head] Then I erase some of the more detailed features. And one, two, three. A circle, uhh, thingy.
Ral: Gimme that. [crumples paper] Forget the circles.
Mikula: Ooh, nice one Ral. Let me try. [laughs] Looky, Ral. It's you and me playing leapfrog. That's you on the bottom.
Ral: Gimme that. [rips up paper] There is nothing scientific about leapfrog! [Mikula puts pieces together] What are you doing, now?
Mikula: I call it: Rippy Bits. You take a bunch of old ripped of paper, and make a new picture out of it. See? You're on top...this...time. [blows paper]
Ral: Do you want to learn science, or not?
Mikula: I'm sorry, Ral, I'll listen.
Ral: Alright, Mikula, pay close attention. Look at your components. Visualize the weird within. And... [hits ice with chisel; and it breaks into a pile of rubble]
Mikula: [hits ice with chisel and it becomes a perfect sculpture of Michelangelo's David, shaped vaguely like Melek] How's this Ral?
Ral: [starry-eyed] It's beautiful! [a tear falls from his eyes] I mean... this isn't a weird. [Mikula's lip starts quivering] A good weird takes... more time. You can't just alchemize Willie-Nillie. You've got to go by the book. Follow the rules. [Mikula wipes away a tear] Otherwise, you'll never get past Amateur Hour, here. Besides, you've got the eyebrows wrong. [Ral puts a pair of felt eyebrows like his on the sculpture] There, now it's science.
Mikula: Ohhh, it's so obvious. I would've never thought of that. I'm sorry, Ral. I came here to learn and I arrogantly shunned your lessons. [falls down and starts crying] I'll never be a great scientist like you! I don't deserve your tutoring. I don't deserve to be in your presence. [crawls over to the front door and looks back at Ral] I don't even deserve to use your doors! [the doors open, hitting Mikula out the window into the garbage dumpster head-first]
Niv-Mizzet: Hello, there.
Mikula: But I did deserve that. [the dumpster closes on top of him] I deserved that, too. [garbage man takes Mikula to dump] And I deserve this!
Niv-Mizzet: Good day, sir.
Ral: Sorry, class dismissed. You're too late.
Niv-Mizzet: Oh, I beg your pardon, but I've forgotten my manners. My name is Niv-Mizzet P. Moneybags.
Ral: The world famous Parun?
Niv-Mizzet: The one and only.
Ral: Well, what are you doing here?
Niv-Mizzet: I'm on a shopping spree. Buying scientific progress for my new project.
Ral: Your search is over. I am Ravnica's greatest chemister. I call this one: "Ral en repose".
Niv-Mizzet: I, uh, don't think that will fit in with the other pieces in my collection.
Ral: Why not?
Niv-Mizzet: Because, it's a science collection. [laughs]
Ral: How about this one? I call it: Bold and Brash.
Niv-Mizzet: More like: Belongs in the Trash. [laughs]
Janitor: Sorry. I must've missed that one. [grabs the notes and throws it in the trash]
Niv-Mizzet: Maybe I should be... huh? What is that?
Ral: Wait, wait. That's not uh, uh...
Niv-Mizzet: Angelic form, amazing detail, perfect censorship. This is the work of a true genius. Hello? What this? This is the only flaw. [removes the eyebrows Ral added on and they land on Ral's head] Ah, that's more like it. I simply must find the chemister responsible. He shall have fame.
Ral: Fame. [Ral imagines himself as popular]
Niv-Mizzet: Fortune.
Ral: Fortune. [Ral imagines himself in a tub full of money]
Niv-Mizzet: Anything his heart desires.
Ral: Anything? [Ral imagines himself with hair that isn’t graying] It's me. It's me. I'm responsible.
Niv-Mizzet: I can see it now. Your name in the world's most prestigious museums. I'm gonna make you, immortal! Now, uh, help me get this in the car.
Ral: I could use a little help. [weird’s head falls off and turns into dust] My fame! My fortune! My hair!
Niv-Mizzet: Well, that's a bit a bad luck right there. But, this shouldn't be a problem for a chemister of your magnitude. You can whip up another one.
Ral: Yeah, no problem. You know, between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off.
Niv-Mizzet: Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks. [laughs]
Ral: Yeah, no socks. OK, see you tomorrow. Bye. [closes the door as Niv-Mizzet walks out] I gotta find Mikula! [at dump] Mikula...Mikula? Mikula!
Mikula: Go away, Ral. I don't deserve your kindness.
Ral: Hey, cheer up. I have decided to give you another chance. Why, with a great teacher like me, anything is possible.
Mikula: Don't look at me Ral. Don't look at my shame. [he slides out of the cereal box] These hands weren't meant to create. They only destroy. I can't look at them. [Mikula's hands pop off and run into a soup can]
Ral: Aww, c'mon Mikula. You've got yourself a pair of yellow dandies here. With my help, we'll turn them into tools of progress.
Mikula: Really?
Ral: Really!
Mikula: Really?
Ral: Really!
Mikula: Really?
Ral: Really.
Mikula: Wow. [pause] Really?
Ral: Let's go.
Mikula: [notices a set of papers in the dump] Ral, look. It's ol' Bold and Brash!
Ral: Gimme that. [back at classroom] Ok, Mikula. Just do what you did before.
Mikula: I... can't!
Ral: Ah, ah. Wait, wait. Let me help. Let's start with the circle again.
Mikula: I did it, Ral. [draws a crooked circle]
Ral: Huh? But, but, what about the head...and the erasing, and the, the...
Mikula: I don't know, Ral. That stuff's not in the book.
Ral: Uhh... [crumples paper] How about this, huh? Remember?
Mikula: That's not in the book, either.
Ral: Forget about the book! [rips book] Ha! Look at all this mess Mikula. [he grabs a chair, puts it in front of Mikula's desk, and jumps up and down while holding it] What do all these little bits of paper make you want to do?
Mikula: Wait, I know this. Oh, wait, I think I got it. [puts book back together] Ta-da! [Ral's eyebrows melt off his face]
Ral: OK, Mikula. Let's just move onto the weird.
Mikula: First, a chemister must concentrate and visualize his concept.
Ral: Now you've got it.
Mikula: I've gotta embrace the weird!
Ral: Right.
Mikula: I've gotta sniff the weird!
Ral: Well, uh, ok.
Mikula: I've gotta lick the weird!
Ral: Uhh...
Mikula: [washes the ice in a washing machine] I've gotta wash the weird! I've gotta date the weird! [expands himself so that he's the same size as the ice] I've gotta be the weird! I've got it! I have see the weird within.
Ral: Here you go, buddy. [hands him alchemizing tools]
Mikula: With this tool, I shall give birth to science.
Ral: Oh, boy. [Mikula taps ice with the chisel; it shatters into a pile of rubble]
Mikula: But, one more thing. [puts felt eyebrows shaped like Ral's on it] There. Now it's science. Well, what do you think, Ral? Just take it all in for a moment. Let it soak in. [Ral screams with frustration and goes crazy, runs though the ice and kicks two steam boilers, eating a part of it, he takes a few vials, pours them, kicks a desk, destroys a chunk of stone into 4 pieces and destroys the other components] It looks like the excitement of my scientific triumph is too much for Ral. Oh, well, back to the dump. [runs through the wall and down the road singing in the tune of the William Tell Overture] ♪To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump dump. To the dump, to the dump, To the dump, dump dump. ♪
Niv-Mizzet: I'm here for the... what the? Who is responsible for this?
Ral: As of now, it's his responsibility. [puts hat on janitor's head] Good day to you, sir. [it is revealed that when Ral smashed all of the components together, he created an even better weird than the first one and left without even seeing it]
Niv-Mizzet: [to janitor] You, sir, are the greatest chemister who ever lived!