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  1. Spaceballs: The Script
  2.  
  3.  
  4. SPACEBALLS
  5.  
  6. Once upon a time warp. . . .
  7.  
  8. In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as . . . Spaceballs.
  9.  
  10. Chapter Eleven
  11.  
  12. The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia.
  13.  
  14. Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knowest to us, danger lurks in the stars above. . .
  15.  
  16. If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
  17.  
  18. EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
  19.  
  20. SPACEBALL 1 passes by at a slow speed. It takes the ship about two minutes to pass. At the end of the ship is a bumper sticker that says, WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY.
  21.  
  22. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
  23.  
  24. Col Sandurz is standing in the front of the ship.
  25. RICO
  26.  
  27. Colonel Sandurz.
  28.  
  29. COL SANDURZ
  30.  
  31. What is it, Sergeant Rico?
  32.  
  33. RICO
  34.  
  35. You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
  36.  
  37. COL SANDURZ
  38.  
  39. So.
  40.  
  41. RICO
  42.  
  43. Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.
  44.  
  45. COL SANDURZ
  46.  
  47. You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
  48.  
  49. RICO
  50.  
  51. Thanks, sir.
  52.  
  53. COL SANDURZ
  54.  
  55. Have you notified Lord Helmet?
  56.  
  57. RICO
  58.  
  59. Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way.
  60.  
  61. VOICE (O.S.) MAKE WAY FOR DARK HELMET.
  62.  
  63. COL SANDURZ
  64.  
  65. All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.
  66.  
  67. A door opens revealing Dark Helmet, he resembles Darth Vader, walking toward camera. He stops in front of camera, and is having trouble breathing with the mask down.
  68.  
  69. DARK HELMET(pulls mask up)
  70.  
  71. I can't breathe in this thing.
  72.  
  73. COL SANDURZ
  74.  
  75. We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
  76.  
  77. DARK HELMET
  78.  
  79. Good. I'll call Spaceball City, and notify President Skroob immediately.
  80.  
  81. RICO
  82.  
  83. I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
  84.  
  85. DARK HELMET
  86.  
  87. What? You went over my helmet?
  88.  
  89. RICO
  90.  
  91. Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
  92.  
  93. DARK HELMET(puts on Schwartz ring)
  94.  
  95. RICO
  96.  
  97. Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that. (covers his neck)
  98.  
  99. DARK HELMET(pulls mask down)
  100.  
  101. Yes. That. (shoots a green ray at Rico's crotch)
  102.  
  103. RICO
  104.  
  105. Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww!
  106.  
  107. DARK HELMET
  108.  
  109. GUARDS. Take him away.
  110.  
  111. DARK HELMET
  112.  
  113. Col Sandurz
  114.  
  115. COL SANDURZ (covers his crotch)
  116.  
  117. Sir?
  118.  
  119. DARK HELMET
  120.  
  121. I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?
  122.  
  123. COL SANDURZ
  124.  
  125. We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?
  126.  
  127. DARK HELMET
  128.  
  129. Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.
  130.  
  131. Dark Helmet and Col Sandurz walk to the radar screen. Dark Helmet stops in front of the coffee maker.
  132.  
  133. COL SANDURZ
  134.  
  135. Very good, sir.
  136.  
  137. DARK HELMET
  138.  
  139. What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen.
  140.  
  141. COL SANDURZ
  142.  
  143. No, sir. We call it, "Mr. Coffee." (points at label, "Mr. Coffee") Care for some?
  144.  
  145. DARK HELMET
  146.  
  147. Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
  148.  
  149. COL SANDURZ
  150.  
  151. Of course I do, sir.
  152.  
  153. DARK HELMET
  154.  
  155. Everybody knows that.
  156.  
  157. EVERYBODY(covers their crotch)
  158.  
  159. Of course we do, sir.
  160.  
  161. DARK HELMET(takes coffee)
  162.  
  163. Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
  164.  
  165. COL SANDURZ(points to label "Mr. Radar")
  166.  
  167. Right here, sir.
  168.  
  169. DARK HELMET
  170.  
  171. Switch to teleview.
  172.  
  173. RADAR changes to a picture of Planet Druidia.
  174.  
  175. DARK HELMET
  176.  
  177. There it is, Planet Druidia, and underneath the air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield.
  178.  
  179. COL SANDURZ
  180.  
  181. We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield. Thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
  182.  
  183. DARK HELMET
  184.  
  185. Everybody got that. Good! When will the princess be married?
  186.  
  187. COL SANDURZ
  188.  
  189. Within the hour, sir.
  190.  
  191. DARK HELMET
  192.  
  193. Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm.
  194.  
  195. Col Sandurz hits his back. Dark Helmet spits out coffee and his mask falls down.
  196.  
  197. DARK HELMET(mask down)
  198.  
  199. Hot! Too hot!
  200.  
  201. PLANET DRUIDIA - EXT. CHAPLE - DAY
  202.  
  203. Sign reads, "Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium. Tomorrow, Bingo."
  204. INT. CHAPLE - DAY
  205.  
  206. The Usher is fixing something on King Roland's outfit. Princess Vespa is pacing.
  207.  
  208. ROLAND
  209.  
  210. Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day. All right, is everyone ready?
  211.  
  212. USHER
  213.  
  214. Yes, your majesty.
  215.  
  216. VESPA
  217.  
  218. No! Where's my droid of honor?
  219.  
  220. USHER
  221.  
  222. Oh dear, yes. Where's Dot? Dot? Dot Matrix? Oh, thank god. Where've you been?
  223.  
  224. DOT
  225.  
  226. Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.
  227.  
  228. USHER
  229.  
  230. All right, people. It's magic time.
  231.  
  232. ROLAND
  233.  
  234. All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his right foot out)
  235.  
  236. VESPA
  237.  
  238. Daddy that's your right foot.
  239.  
  240. ROLAND
  241.  
  242. It's too late. Keep going.
  243.  
  244. They start walking down the aisle. The organ is playing "Here Comes the Bride."
  245.  
  246. VESPA(stops)
  247.  
  248. Daddy.
  249.  
  250. Organ player stops.
  251.  
  252. VESPA
  253.  
  254. Must I go through with this.
  255.  
  256. ROLAND
  257.  
  258. I'm sorry, my dear, you have to.
  259.  
  260. They start walking again. The organ starts up again.
  261.  
  262. VESPA(stops)
  263.  
  264. But, daddy.
  265.  
  266. Organ stops again.
  267.  
  268. VESPA
  269.  
  270. I don't love him.
  271.  
  272. ROLAND
  273.  
  274. I'm sorry, Vespa, he's the last prince left in the galaxy.
  275.  
  276. VALIUM(yawns)
  277.  
  278. They reach the altar.
  279.  
  280. MINISTER
  281.  
  282. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland....
  283.  
  284. VESPA starts running toward the door, while Dot is dragging behind.
  285.  
  286. MINISTER
  287.  
  288. ....going right past the alter, heading down the ramp, and out the door.
  289.  
  290. ROLAND
  291.  
  292. Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!
  293.  
  294. EXT. CHAPEL - DAY
  295.  
  296. VESPA and DOT come out of the chapel. They head for the getaway car.
  297.  
  298. DOT
  299.  
  300. Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop?
  301.  
  302. They get to the car. VESPA opens the door.
  303.  
  304. DOT
  305.  
  306. What are you doing?
  307.  
  308. VESPA(starts to get in the getaway car)
  309.  
  310. No questions, Dot. Get in.
  311.  
  312. Car starts up, and the ramp starts to tilt upward. Everyone else comes out of the chapel.
  313.  
  314. ROLAND
  315.  
  316. What is she doing? Where is she going?
  317.  
  318. The car takes off toward space.
  319.  
  320. VALIUM
  321.  
  322. Come baaaaack! (yawns while saying back)
  323.  
  324. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
  325.  
  326. The Eagle 5 is a Winnebago with wings. BARF is eating ice cream and dancing to music. BARF is a mog. He's half man, half dog. LONE STARR is at the wheel, asleep. LONE STARR is drunk. He is a normal human. "AUTOMATIC PILOT" is flashing. The phone starts ringing.
  327.  
  328. LONE STARR(wakes up)
  329.  
  330. Barf. Barf. Barf!
  331.  
  332. BARF
  333.  
  334. Huh?
  335.  
  336. LONE STARR (O.S)
  337.  
  338. Barf!
  339.  
  340. BARF
  341.  
  342. Always when I'm eating.
  343.  
  344. BARF puts down the ice cream, and picks up some Milkbones.
  345.  
  346. LONE STARR
  347.  
  348. Barf!
  349.  
  350. BARF
  351.  
  352. What can I do you for, boss?
  353.  
  354. LONE STARR
  355.  
  356. Where ya been?
  357.  
  358. BARF
  359.  
  360. Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You want some? (offers a Milkbone to Lone Starr)
  361.  
  362. LONE STARR
  363.  
  364. No!
  365.  
  366. BARF
  367.  
  368. C'mon. A little hair of the dog.
  369.  
  370. LONE STARR
  371.  
  372. Answer that for me. Will ya?
  373.  
  374. BARF
  375.  
  376. Ah, sure. (hits Lone Starr with his tail)
  377.  
  378. LONE STARR
  379.  
  380. Will you watch that thing?
  381.  
  382. BARF
  383.  
  384. Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio. That way they won't see ya. (hits the video switch) Yello.
  385.  
  386. VINNIE appears on the screen. VINNIE is a half robot, half man.
  387. VINNIE
  388.  
  389. Hello, Lone Starr.
  390.  
  391. BARF
  392.  
  393. Sorry, wrong switch.
  394.  
  395. LONE STARR
  396.  
  397. Hello, Vinnie, what do you want?
  398.  
  399. VINNIE
  400.  
  401. No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what he wants.
  402.  
  403. BARF & LONE STARR
  404.  
  405. Pizza the Hut.
  406.  
  407. PIZZA THE HUT is half man, half pizza.
  408.  
  409. PIZZA
  410.  
  411. Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his side kick, Puke.
  412.  
  413. BARF
  414.  
  415. That's Barf.
  416.  
  417. PIZZA
  418.  
  419. Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?
  420.  
  421. LONE STARR
  422.  
  423. Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
  424.  
  425. PIZZA
  426.  
  427. No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
  428.  
  429. LONE STARR
  430.  
  431. A hundred thousand spacebucks, by tomorrow?
  432.  
  433. PIZZA
  434.  
  435. A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one million spacebucks.
  436.  
  437. LONE STARR
  438.  
  439. A million? That's unfair.
  440.  
  441. PIZZA
  442.  
  443. Unfair to pay all, but enough to pay eee, but you gonna pay it, or else.
  444.  
  445. BARF
  446.  
  447. Or else what?
  448.  
  449. PIZZA
  450.  
  451. Tell 'em, Vinnie.
  452.  
  453. VINNIE
  454.  
  455. Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.
  456.  
  457. VINNIE & PIZZA(laughs)
  458.  
  459. *****++++++huh missed somethins+++++*****
  460. VINNIE
  461.  
  462. takes a lick off of Pizza.
  463.  
  464. VINNIE
  465.  
  466. Mmmm. You're delicious.
  467.  
  468. PIZZA
  469.  
  470. Chow, boys.
  471.  
  472. INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA is listening to music in headphones.
  473.  
  474. DOT
  475.  
  476. Can we talk? Okay, we all know Prince Valium is pilled, but you could've married him for your father's sake, and have a headache for the next 25 years.
  477.  
  478. VESPA
  479.  
  480. can't hear her.
  481.  
  482. DOT
  483.  
  484. Will you turn that thing off.
  485.  
  486. VESPA
  487.  
  488. What? (takes off the headphones) What is it?
  489.  
  490. DOT
  491.  
  492. I was saying, do realize what you've done.
  493.  
  494. VESPA
  495.  
  496. Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the headphones back on)
  497.  
  498. DOT
  499.  
  500. I wonder if she's glad.
  501.  
  502. SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB is talking to someone on the phone.
  503.  
  504. SKROOB
  505.  
  506. Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye. (hangs up phone) Shithead.
  507.  
  508. He opens a desk drawer. It has a lot of cans in it. He takes one and opens it. The can says, "Perrier Salt-Free Air." He starts breathing the air.
  509.  
  510. COMMANDERETTE(appears on the wall)
  511.  
  512. President Skroob.
  513.  
  514. SKROOB(throws can behind him and closes the drawer)
  515.  
  516. Yes.
  517.  
  518. COMMANDERETTE
  519.  
  520. This is Central Control, Spaceball Commanderette Zarican speaking, sir.
  521.  
  522. SKROOB
  523.  
  524. Yes, what is it Commanderette?
  525.  
  526. COMMANDERETTE
  527.  
  528. Lord Helmet has informed us that Princess Vespa is in sight, and Spaceball 1 is closing in on her.
  529.  
  530. SKROOB
  531.  
  532. Good, good.
  533.  
  534. COMMANDERETTE
  535.  
  536. We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.
  537.  
  538. SKROOB
  539.  
  540. I'll be down immediately.
  541.  
  542. COMMANDERETTE
  543.  
  544. Shall I have Snotty beam you down?
  545.  
  546. SKROOB
  547.  
  548. I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
  549.  
  550. COMMANDERETTE
  551.  
  552. Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
  553.  
  554. SKROOB
  555.  
  556. All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek. (steps into the beaming pod)
  557.  
  558. COMMANDERETTE
  559.  
  560. Snotty, beam him down.
  561.  
  562. SNOTTY(O.S.)
  563.  
  564. Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
  565.  
  566. SKROOB beams out of his office.
  567.  
  568. INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT SKROOB reappears. His head is on backwards.
  569.  
  570. VOICE (O.S.)
  571.  
  572. Gees feesetes, what's happened to his head?
  573.  
  574. COMMANDERETTE
  575.  
  576. It's on backwards.
  577.  
  578. SKROOB
  579.  
  580. This is terrible. Do something.
  581.  
  582. SNOTTY
  583.  
  584. I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverter malfunction.
  585.  
  586. SKROOB
  587.  
  588. (lifts up the tail on his suit) Why didn't somebody tell me ass was so big.
  589.  
  590. Everyone else looks and snickers.
  591.  
  592. SNOTTY
  593.  
  594. Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the interlocking system.
  595.  
  596. SKROOB scratches his leg.
  597.  
  598. SNOTTY
  599.  
  600. (flipping switches) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock lone.
  601.  
  602. SKROOB
  603.  
  604. beams out.
  605.  
  606. INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB reappears, back to normal. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
  607.  
  608. COMMANDERETTE
  609.  
  610. Are you all right, Mr. President.
  611.  
  612. SKROOB
  613.  
  614. Fine, fine, no thanks to you.
  615.  
  616. COMMANDERETTE
  617.  
  618. We'll beam you back, sir.
  619.  
  620. SKROOB
  621.  
  622. Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk. (walks through the door)
  623.  
  624. INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT
  625.  
  626. COMMANDERETTE
  627.  
  628. President Skroob, Salute.
  629.  
  630. ALL(salute)
  631.  
  632. Hail Skroob!
  633.  
  634. SKROOB salutes.
  635.  
  636. CHARLENE & MARLENE
  637.  
  638. Hello, President Skroob.
  639.  
  640. SKROOB
  641.  
  642. Oh, uh. Hello, Charlene.
  643.  
  644. MARLENE
  645.  
  646. I'm Marlene.
  647.  
  648. SKROOB
  649.  
  650. Hello, Marlene.
  651.  
  652. CHARLENE
  653.  
  654. I'm Charlene.
  655.  
  656. SKROOB
  657.  
  658. Chew your gum. Where's the Princess.
  659.  
  660. COMMANDERETTE
  661.  
  662. Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen of the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred light leagues per minute.
  663.  
  664. SKROOB
  665.  
  666. Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Helmet he must take the Princess alive.
  667.  
  668. >
  669. EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE In front of Spaceball 1 is Vespa's car.
  670.  
  671. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE COL SANDURZ and DARK HELMET are standing in the front.
  672.  
  673. COL SANDURZ
  674.  
  675. Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.
  676.  
  677. DARK HELMET(mask down)
  678.  
  679. Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.
  680.  
  681. Guns start firing.
  682.  
  683. INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA takes off the headphones. The car is shaking.
  684.  
  685. VESPA
  686.  
  687. What's going on?
  688.  
  689. DOT
  690.  
  691. It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us.
  692.  
  693. VESPA
  694.  
  695. Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up phone)
  696.  
  697. DOT
  698.  
  699. What you doing?
  700.  
  701. VESPA
  702.  
  703. I'm calling my father. 1-800-DRUIDIA. (dials the phone)
  704.  
  705. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
  706.  
  707. DARK HELMET(lifts up mask)
  708.  
  709. Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it.
  710.  
  711. GUNNER(lifts up eye guard)
  712.  
  713. Sorry, sir. (he is cross-eyed) Doing my best.
  714.  
  715. DARK HELMET
  716.  
  717. Who made that man a gunner?
  718.  
  719. MAJOR
  720.  
  721. I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too)
  722.  
  723. DARK HELMET
  724.  
  725. Who is he?
  726.  
  727. COL SANDURZ
  728.  
  729. He's an Asshole, sir.
  730.  
  731. DARK HELMET
  732.  
  733. I know that. What's his name?
  734.  
  735. COL SANDURZ
  736.  
  737. That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
  738.  
  739. DARK HELMET
  740.  
  741. And his cousin?
  742.  
  743. COL SANDURZ
  744.  
  745. He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip Asshole.
  746.  
  747. DARK HELMET
  748.  
  749. How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?
  750.  
  751. All, but few, stand up.
  752.  
  753. ALL
  754.  
  755. Yo!
  756.  
  757. DARK HELMET
  758.  
  759. I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. (pulls down mask) Keep firing, Assholes.
  760.  
  761. INT. VESPA'S CAR - CAR VESPA is on the phone.
  762.  
  763.  
  764. VESPA
  765.  
  766. Hurry, Daddy, hurry. They're laser blasts all around us. I'm so scared.
  767.  
  768. >
  769. EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
  770.  
  771. ROLAND'S VOICE
  772.  
  773. King ROLAND to Lone Starr. King ROLAND to Lone Starr. Are you there?
  774.  
  775. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LONE STARR and BARF are talking to ROLAND on the phone.
  776.  
  777. ROLAND
  778.  
  779. Lone Starr, you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter. She's being attacked by Spaceballs.
  780.  
  781. LONE STARR
  782.  
  783. Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.
  784.  
  785. BARF
  786.  
  787. Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it. It's just we got this thing about them. It's not us.
  788.  
  789. ROLAND
  790.  
  791. Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save her. I'll give anything. Did you her me? Anything.
  792.  
  793. BARF
  794.  
  795. Anything?
  796.  
  797. ROLAND
  798.  
  799. Yes! Anything!
  800.  
  801. LONE STARR
  802.  
  803. Okay, we'll do it for a million.
  804.  
  805. ROLAND
  806.  
  807. A million?
  808.  
  809. BARF
  810.  
  811. Whoa, you startin' to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness.
  812.  
  813. ROLAND
  814.  
  815. All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.
  816.  
  817. LONE STARR
  818.  
  819. All right, King, you just made a deal.
  820.  
  821. BARF
  822.  
  823. One princess for one million spacebucks.
  824.  
  825. LONE STARR
  826.  
  827. What's she drivin'?
  828.  
  829. ROLAND
  830.  
  831. A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. Moon roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.
  832.  
  833. LONE STARR
  834.  
  835. We get the idea. Where was she last seen.
  836.  
  837. ROLAND
  838.  
  839. She was just passing Jupiter 2.
  840.  
  841. LONE STARR
  842.  
  843. We'll find her.
  844.  
  845. ROLAND
  846.  
  847. Please, bring her back safely. And, if it's all possible, try to save the car. (disappears off T.V.)
  848.  
  849. BARF
  850.  
  851. One million spacebucks. We'll be able to pay off Pizza the Hut.
  852.  
  853. LONE STARR
  854.  
  855. Gimmie paw.
  856.  
  857. LONE STARR & BARF(howl like a dog)
  858.  
  859. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
  860.  
  861. INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Spaceball 1 fires their magnetic beam at Vespa's car.
  862.  
  863. VESPA
  864.  
  865. What's happening? What's that glow? We're not moving.
  866.  
  867. DOT
  868.  
  869. Oh, we're moving all right, backwards.
  870.  
  871. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
  872.  
  873. LONE STARR
  874.  
  875. Look, there's our princess. She's got company.
  876.  
  877. BARF
  878.  
  879. Oh, no, Spaceballs. And they've already got her in their magnetic beam. Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just throw her in reverse, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for the reverse switch)
  880.  
  881. LONE STARR
  882.  
  883. (stops him) Barf. No. Bad.
  884.  
  885. BARF
  886.  
  887. Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? I know we need the money...
  888.  
  889. LONE STARR
  890.  
  891. Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shit load of money!
  892.  
  893. BARF
  894.  
  895. Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right. Okay, we save her, but how? The minute we move in there, they're spot us on their radar.
  896.  
  897. LONE STARR
  898.  
  899. Uh-uh.
  900.  
  901. BARF
  902.  
  903. Uh-huh.
  904.  
  905. LONE STARR
  906.  
  907. Uh-uh.
  908.  
  909. BARF
  910.  
  911. Uh-huh.
  912.  
  913. LONE STARR
  914.  
  915. Uh-uh, not if we jam it.
  916.  
  917. BARF
  918.  
  919. Ah, ha! You're right.
  920.  
  921. LONE STARR
  922.  
  923. Down scope.
  924.  
  925. BARF
  926.  
  927. Down scope.
  928.  
  929. The scope comes down. BARF looks through the scope and focuses on the radar.
  930.  
  931. BARF
  932.  
  933. Radar, about to be jammed.
  934.  
  935. Jam comes flying and crashes the radar.
  936.  
  937. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE The radar is screwing up. The RADAR TECHNICIAN is trying to figure out the problem.
  938.  
  939. RADAR TECH.
  940.  
  941. (he is making the sound effects) Shit. (makes more sound effects and dials phone) Sir? (in microphone)
  942.  
  943. COL SANDURZ
  944.  
  945. What is it?
  946.  
  947. RADAR TECH. (O.S.) (in microphone)
  948.  
  949. Can I talk to for a minute, please, sir.
  950.  
  951. COL SANDURZ and DARK HELMET (walk over to him)
  952.  
  953. COL SANDURZ
  954.  
  955. Well.
  956.  
  957. RADAR TECH. (in microphone)
  958.  
  959. I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
  960.  
  961. COL SANDURZ
  962.  
  963. You don't need that, Private, we're right here. (hangs up microphone) Now, what is it?
  964.  
  965. RADAR TECH. (in microphone voice)
  966.  
  967. I'm having trouble with radar, sir.
  968.  
  969. DARK HELMET (rips out the microphone-mask up)
  970.  
  971. Now, what is it?
  972.  
  973. RADAR TECH.
  974.  
  975. I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
  976.  
  977. DARK HELMET
  978.  
  979. What's wrong with it?
  980.  
  981. RADAR TECH.
  982.  
  983. I've lost the bleeps, I've the lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
  984.  
  985. DARK HELMET
  986.  
  987. The what?
  988.  
  989. COL SANDURZ
  990.  
  991. The what?
  992.  
  993. DARK HELMET
  994.  
  995. And the what?
  996.  
  997. RADAR TECH.
  998.  
  999. You know. The bleeps, (makes bleeps sounds) the sweeps, (makes sweeps sounds) and the creeps. (makes creeps sounds)
  1000.  
  1001. DARK HELMET
  1002.  
  1003. (to Sandurz) That's not he's lost.
  1004.  
  1005. RADAR TECH.
  1006.  
  1007. Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be....
  1008.  
  1009. Jam starts dripping down the screen.
  1010.  
  1011. RADAR TECH.
  1012.  
  1013. ....jammed.
  1014.  
  1015. DARK HELMET
  1016.  
  1017. Jammed? (takes a taste of the jam) Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. (pulls down mask) Lone Starr!
  1018.  
  1019. CAMERA hits DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET falls backwards.
  1020.  
  1021. INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Eagle 5 comes in on top of Vespa's car. There's a thump on the car.
  1022.  
  1023. VESPA
  1024.  
  1025. What was that?
  1026.  
  1027. BARF knocks on the door.
  1028.  
  1029. DOT
  1030.  
  1031. Nevermind that. What was that?
  1032.  
  1033. The roof opens revealing BARF smiling.
  1034.  
  1035. VESPA & DOT
  1036.  
  1037. Ah.
  1038.  
  1039. BARF
  1040.  
  1041. Hi.
  1042.  
  1043. VESPA
  1044.  
  1045. Who are you?
  1046.  
  1047. BARF
  1048.  
  1049. Barf.
  1050.  
  1051. DOT
  1052.  
  1053. Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
  1054.  
  1055. BARF
  1056.  
  1057. Na, that's my name. Barf.
  1058.  
  1059. VESPA
  1060.  
  1061. Barf? What are you?
  1062.  
  1063. BARF
  1064.  
  1065. I'm a mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
  1066.  
  1067. VESPA
  1068.  
  1069. What do you want?
  1070.  
  1071. BARF
  1072.  
  1073. Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save ya. C'mon, we gotta hop up this ladder and get outta here.
  1074.  
  1075. DOT
  1076.  
  1077. Go, hurry, quick, darling, follow the dog.
  1078.  
  1079. BARF
  1080.  
  1081. Mog. I'm a mog.
  1082.  
  1083. VESPA
  1084.  
  1085. Wait. What about my matched luggage?
  1086.  
  1087. BARF
  1088.  
  1089. starts whimpering.
  1090.  
  1091. EXT. EAGLE 5 - LADDER - SPACE
  1092. VESPA is climbing up, followed by DOT, then BARF with a load of luggage.
  1093.  
  1094. DOT
  1095.  
  1096. Hey. Stop looking up my can.
  1097.  
  1098. BARF
  1099.  
  1100. Sorry.
  1101.  
  1102. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
  1103. LONE STARR looks back at BARF. BARF still has a load of luggage on him.
  1104.  
  1105. LONE STARR
  1106.  
  1107. Checking in? What the hell is all that?
  1108.  
  1109. BARF(with strap in mouth)
  1110.  
  1111. It's her royal highness's matched luggage.
  1112.  
  1113. LONE STARR(O.S.)
  1114.  
  1115. What?
  1116.  
  1117. BARF(takes strap out of mouth)
  1118.  
  1119. Her royal highness's matched luggage.
  1120.  
  1121. LONE STARR
  1122.  
  1123. Matched luggage, huh? What's she think this is....
  1124.  
  1125. BARF hits him with tail.
  1126.  
  1127. LONE STARR
  1128.  
  1129. ....a princess cruise.
  1130.  
  1131. BARF
  1132.  
  1133. Well, she wouldn't go without it.
  1134.  
  1135. LONE STARR
  1136.  
  1137. Oh, yeah? (picks up microphone)
  1138.  
  1139. BARF hits him again.
  1140.  
  1141. LONE STARR(in microphone)
  1142.  
  1143. Now hear this, as soon as we get outta hear, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
  1144.  
  1145. DOT
  1146.  
  1147. What was that?
  1148.  
  1149. VESPA(turns on intercom)
  1150.  
  1151. Now you hear this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.
  1152.  
  1153. LONE STARR(in microphone)
  1154.  
  1155. Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dream boat, sweetheart.
  1156.  
  1157. VESPA
  1158.  
  1159. Sweetheart?
  1160.  
  1161. DOT
  1162.  
  1163. Uh-oh.
  1164.  
  1165. VESPA
  1166.  
  1167. How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
  1168.  
  1169. LONE STARR
  1170.  
  1171. Oh. That's all we needed, a Drewish princess.
  1172.  
  1173. BARF
  1174.  
  1175. Funny. She doesn't look Drewish.
  1176.  
  1177. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE Vespa's car is coming through the floor.
  1178.  
  1179. COL SANDURZ and DARK HELMET
  1180.  
  1181. come in.
  1182.  
  1183. DARK HELMET(mask down)
  1184.  
  1185. Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy. GUARD cocks weapon.
  1186.  
  1187. DARK HELMET
  1188.  
  1189. Hold it. I'll handle this personally.
  1190.  
  1191. GUARD
  1192.  
  1193. Ya-ho, Lord Helmet.
  1194.  
  1195. DARK HELMET(looks at him)
  1196.  
  1197. So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours.
  1198.  
  1199. DARK HELMET opens the door and looks inside. He lifts his mask up.
  1200.  
  1201. DARK HELMET(mask up)
  1202.  
  1203. She's not in there.
  1204.  
  1205. ALL drop guns and cover their crotch.
  1206.  
  1207. VOICE (O.S.)
  1208.  
  1209. Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago.
  1210.  
  1211. DARK HELMET
  1212.  
  1213. Winnebago? Lone Starr. Lone Starr!
  1214.  
  1215. DARK HELMET bangs on the car. The door falls on him, pushing him inside.
  1216.  
  1217. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
  1218. Spaceball 1 is coming on the radar.
  1219.  
  1220. LONE STARR
  1221.  
  1222. Uh-oh. Here comes the the bad year blimp.
  1223.  
  1224. BARF
  1225.  
  1226. We'd better get outta here in a hurry.
  1227.  
  1228. LONE STARR
  1229.  
  1230. Switch to secret hyperjets.
  1231.  
  1232. BARF
  1233.  
  1234. Switching to secret hyperjets.
  1235.  
  1236. LONE STARR(in microphone)
  1237.  
  1238. Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive.
  1239.  
  1240. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
  1241. DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are standing in front. EAGLE 5 is in front of them.
  1242.  
  1243. COL SANDURZ
  1244.  
  1245. We're closing in on them, sir. In less than minute, Lone Starr will be ours.
  1246.  
  1247. DARK HELMET(mask down)
  1248.  
  1249. Good. Prepare to attack.
  1250.  
  1251. COL SANDURZ
  1252.  
  1253. Prepare to attack.
  1254.  
  1255. DARK HELMET
  1256.  
  1257. On the count of three. One, two....
  1258.  
  1259. Eagle 5 takes off into hyperactive.
  1260.  
  1261. DARK HELMET
  1262.  
  1263. Wait. (lifts up mask) What happened? Where are they?
  1264.  
  1265. COL SANDURZ
  1266.  
  1267. I don't know, sir. They must have hyperjets on that thing.
  1268.  
  1269. DARK HELMET
  1270.  
  1271. And what have we got on this thing a quezinart.
  1272.  
  1273. COL SANDURZ
  1274.  
  1275. No, sir.
  1276.  
  1277. DARK HELMET
  1278.  
  1279. Well, find them catch them.
  1280.  
  1281. COL SANDURZ
  1282.  
  1283. Yes, sir. (over loudspeaker) Prepare ship for light speed.
  1284.  
  1285. DARK HELMET
  1286.  
  1287. No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
  1288.  
  1289. COL SANDURZ
  1290.  
  1291. Light speed, too slow?
  1292.  
  1293. DARK HELMET
  1294.  
  1295. Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
  1296.  
  1297. ALL gasp.
  1298.  
  1299. COL SANDURZ(gasp)
  1300.  
  1301. Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it.
  1302.  
  1303. DARK HELMET
  1304.  
  1305. What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken?
  1306.  
  1307. COL SANDURZ(in high pitch)
  1308.  
  1309. Prepare ship, (back to normal) prepare ship for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo....
  1310.  
  1311. DARK HELMET(takes the microphone)
  1312.  
  1313. Gimme that you petty excuse for an officer.
  1314.  
  1315. COL SANDURZ sits in his seat and buckles up.
  1316.  
  1317. DARK HELMET
  1318.  
  1319. (in microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous speed....
  1320.  
  1321. COL SANDURZ
  1322.  
  1323. Sir, hadn't you better buckle up.
  1324.  
  1325. DARK HELMET
  1326.  
  1327. Aah, buckle this. (into microphone) Ludicrous speed, Go!
  1328.  
  1329. The ship takes off. The display lights up: Light Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. Helmet is being pulled back.
  1330.  
  1331. DARK HELMET
  1332.  
  1333. Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet.
  1334.  
  1335. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
  1336. Spaceball 1 passes over them leaving a plaid shadow.
  1337.  
  1338. BARF
  1339.  
  1340. What the hell was that?
  1341.  
  1342. LONE STARR
  1343.  
  1344. Spaceball 1.
  1345.  
  1346. BARF
  1347.  
  1348. They've gone to plaid.
  1349.  
  1350. INT. SPACEBALL 1
  1351. SPACE
  1352.  
  1353. DARK HELMET
  1354.  
  1355. We passed them. Stop this thing.
  1356.  
  1357. COL SANDURZ
  1358.  
  1359. We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.
  1360.  
  1361. DARK HELMET
  1362.  
  1363. Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Staaaaahhhhp!
  1364.  
  1365. COL SANDURZ pulls on emergency brake which reads, "Emergency Stop, never use." The ship stops and DARK HELMET goes flying into a panel.
  1366.  
  1367. COL SANDURZ(picks Helmet up)
  1368.  
  1369. Are you all right, sir?
  1370.  
  1371. DARK HELMET
  1372.  
  1373. Fine. How've you been?
  1374.  
  1375. COL SANDURZ
  1376.  
  1377. Fine, sir.
  1378.  
  1379. DARK HELMET
  1380.  
  1381. Good.
  1382.  
  1383. COL SANDURZ
  1384.  
  1385. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
  1386.  
  1387. DARK HELMET
  1388.  
  1389. Yeah.
  1390.  
  1391. COL SANDURZ
  1392.  
  1393. What should we do now, sir?
  1394.  
  1395. DARK HELMET
  1396.  
  1397. Well, are we stopped?
  1398.  
  1399. COL SANDURZ
  1400.  
  1401. We're stopped, sir.
  1402.  
  1403. DARK HELMET
  1404.  
  1405. Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break.
  1406.  
  1407. COL SANDURZ
  1408.  
  1409. Very good, sir.
  1410.  
  1411. DARK HELMET
  1412.  
  1413. Smoke if you got 'em. (falls forward)
  1414.  
  1415. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
  1416.  
  1417. LONE STARR
  1418.  
  1419. Take her out of hyperactive.
  1420.  
  1421. BARF
  1422.  
  1423. Takin' her out of hyperactive. (pulls down switch) Ah, congrads, boss, we did it. They must of overshot us by a week and a half.
  1424.  
  1425. LONE STARR
  1426.  
  1427. (laughs) Okay, let's set a course for Druidia.
  1428.  
  1429. BARF
  1430.  
  1431. Settin' a course for (Eagle 5 starts shaking) Drui, ie, ie, ie.
  1432.  
  1433. LONE STARR
  1434.  
  1435. What's that?
  1436.  
  1437. BARF
  1438.  
  1439. I don't know. I don't know. We're losing power. Why? 'Cause we're outta gas.
  1440.  
  1441. LONE STARR
  1442.  
  1443. We must've burned it up in hyperactive.
  1444.  
  1445. BARF
  1446.  
  1447. I told you we should've put more that five bucks worth in.
  1448.  
  1449. LONE STARR
  1450.  
  1451. Okay, we'll have to set her down. Prepare for emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading.
  1452.  
  1453. BARF
  1454.  
  1455. (prays) How, oh Father, be in heaven. Thou will be Thy name, by kingdom come....
  1456.  
  1457. LONE STARR
  1458.  
  1459. Will you stop that? (in microphone) Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, princess.
  1460.  
  1461. VESPA
  1462.  
  1463. No, you idiot. Where'd you learn how to fly.
  1464.  
  1465. LONE STARR
  1466.  
  1467. Okay, Eagle 5, coming in.
  1468.  
  1469. MOON OF VEGA -
  1470. EXT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY Eagle 5 starts coming down on the sands of Vega.
  1471. INT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY BARF is panicing.
  1472.  
  1473. BARF
  1474.  
  1475. Ahh. Left, right, I mean right. Pull up, pull up.
  1476.  
  1477. They crash on a sand dune.
  1478. VESPA gets up.
  1479.  
  1480. DOT
  1481.  
  1482. Where you going?
  1483.  
  1484. VESPA
  1485.  
  1486. I'm going to tell him off once and for all.
  1487.  
  1488. DOT
  1489.  
  1490. Wwwwwwwait. We'll need him to get us outta here.
  1491.  
  1492. LONE STARR
  1493.  
  1494. Called me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.
  1495.  
  1496. DOT
  1497.  
  1498. Besides, he's gotta a sexy voice. He might be cute.
  1499.  
  1500. BARF
  1501.  
  1502. Yeah, but, you don't know what she looks like.
  1503.  
  1504. LONE STARR
  1505.  
  1506. I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess, you've seen 'em all.
  1507.  
  1508. VESPA
  1509.  
  1510. Cute? I know these space bums. They're all alike. Fat, ugly....
  1511.  
  1512. LONE STARR
  1513.  
  1514. Bucked-toothed, knocked-knees....
  1515.  
  1516. VESPA
  1517.  
  1518. ....bear-swilling, pigs.
  1519.  
  1520. LONE STARR
  1521.  
  1522. ....horse-faced, space dogs. (gets up and goes to the back)
  1523.  
  1524. BARF
  1525.  
  1526. Yeah, well, I normally I'd, (gets up with seat belt still on) ow, that's gonna leave a mark.
  1527.  
  1528. VESPA
  1529.  
  1530. Now listen you....
  1531.  
  1532. LONE STARR
  1533.  
  1534. You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as idiot not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean.
  1535.  
  1536. VESPA
  1537.  
  1538. And you will not call me you. You will never address me as you. You will call me your royal highness.
  1539.  
  1540. LONE STARR
  1541.  
  1542. You are royal pain in the....
  1543.  
  1544. BARF
  1545.  
  1546. Whoa, hold it, time.
  1547.  
  1548. LONE STARR and VESPA
  1549.  
  1550. What?
  1551.  
  1552. BARF
  1553.  
  1554. May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, Spaceballs is gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all dead.
  1555.  
  1556. LONE STARR
  1557.  
  1558. He's right. Let's go.
  1559.  
  1560. VESPA
  1561.  
  1562. Wait. My things.
  1563.  
  1564. LONE STARR
  1565.  
  1566. Listen, you royal....
  1567.  
  1568. VESPA
  1569.  
  1570. Mmmm.
  1571.  
  1572. LONE STARR
  1573.  
  1574. ....highness. Take only what need to survive.
  1575.  
  1576. BARF
  1577.  
  1578. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
  1579.  
  1580. DESERT - DAY
  1581. VESPA is walking down with an umbrella. DOT is following her with a cart. LONE STARR and BARF are following with a trunk.
  1582.  
  1583. DOT
  1584.  
  1585. Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears.
  1586.  
  1587. BARF
  1588.  
  1589. Gees. I hope she didn't forget anything.
  1590.  
  1591. LONE STAR
  1592.  
  1593. All right, wait a minute, Barf, put it down. What the hell's in this thing. LONE STARR opens the trunk and pulls out a huge hair dryer.
  1594.  
  1595. LONE STARR
  1596.  
  1597. What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.
  1598.  
  1599. VESPA
  1600.  
  1601. It's my industrial strength hair dryer, and I can't live without it.
  1602.  
  1603. LONE STARR
  1604.  
  1605. Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy-tale is over. Welcome to real-life. You want this hot-air machine, you carry it. (drops it in the sand)
  1606.  
  1607. VESPA
  1608.  
  1609. You pick that up.
  1610.  
  1611. LONE STAR
  1612.  
  1613. You pick that up.
  1614.  
  1615. VESPA
  1616.  
  1617. How dare you, you insolent peasant. Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody. Nobody. (echoes)
  1618.  
  1619. LONE STARR
  1620.  
  1621. Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her.
  1622.  
  1623. BARF
  1624.  
  1625. Oooooo.
  1626.  
  1627. LONE STAR
  1628.  
  1629. Those flashy eyes. Those flushy cheeks. Those trembling lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're angry.
  1630.  
  1631. DOT
  1632.  
  1633. Uh-oh.
  1634.  
  1635. VESPA
  1636.  
  1637. That's it. You and your dog are f....
  1638.  
  1639. BARF
  1640.  
  1641. Please, please. Total humans, droids, if I may. It's going to be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the night.
  1642.  
  1643. DOT
  1644.  
  1645. Come darling.
  1646.  
  1647. DOT and VESPA walk away pulling some luggage. LONE STARR and BARF walk off with the trunk. They leave the hair dryer behind.
  1648. LONE STARR
  1649.  
  1650. See, it's lighter.
  1651.  
  1652. BARF
  1653.  
  1654. Oh yeah. This is best. I could carry two or three of these.
  1655.  
  1656. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE DARK HELMET, COL SANDURZ, and CORPORAL are watching the radar.
  1657.  
  1658. DARK HELMET
  1659.  
  1660. (mask down) Have you found them yet?
  1661.  
  1662. CORPORAL
  1663.  
  1664. No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanners.
  1665.  
  1666. DARK HELMET
  1667.  
  1668. Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee through his mask)
  1669.  
  1670. COL SANDURZ
  1671.  
  1672. Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie.
  1673.  
  1674. CORPORAL
  1675.  
  1676. Yes, sir.
  1677.  
  1678. CORPORAL walks to a wall labeled, "Mr. Rental." The wall opens. He looks through the selections.
  1679.  
  1680. DARK HELMET
  1681.  
  1682. Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?
  1683.  
  1684. COL SANDURZ
  1685.  
  1686. Yes, sir.
  1687.  
  1688. DARK HELMET
  1689.  
  1690. (lifts up mask) How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie. We're still in the middle of making it.
  1691.  
  1692. COL SANDURZ
  1693.  
  1694. That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home-video marketing.
  1695.  
  1696. DARK HELMET
  1697.  
  1698. There has?
  1699.  
  1700. COL SANDURZ
  1701.  
  1702. Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
  1703.  
  1704. DARK HELMET
  1705.  
  1706. Naaaaa.
  1707.  
  1708. CORPORAL
  1709.  
  1710. Here it is, sir. Spaceballs.
  1711.  
  1712. COL SANDURZ
  1713.  
  1714. Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.
  1715.  
  1716. CORPORAL
  1717.  
  1718. starts the tape. It starts on the FBI Warning.
  1719.  
  1720. COL SANDURZ
  1721.  
  1722. Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.
  1723.  
  1724. CORPORAL
  1725.  
  1726. Preparing to fast-forward.
  1727.  
  1728. COL SANDURZ
  1729.  
  1730. Fast-forward.
  1731.  
  1732. CORPORAL
  1733.  
  1734. Fast-forwarding, sir.
  1735.  
  1736. He Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed scene. Helmet is thrown into the panel at a high-speed.
  1737.  
  1738. DARK HELMET
  1739.  
  1740. Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again.
  1741.  
  1742. COL SANDURZ
  1743.  
  1744. Try here. Stop.
  1745.  
  1746. The movie stops at the exact same thing that is actually happening now. DARK HELMET looks at the camera, then he turns back to the monitor. COL SANDURZ looks at the camera when DARK HELMET looks back at the monitor, then he looks back at the monitor. DARK HELMET looks at the camera when COL SANDURZ looks back at the monitor. When DARK HELMET turns back, he waves his hand. He turns back to the camera.
  1747.  
  1748. DARK HELMET
  1749.  
  1750. What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
  1751.  
  1752. COL SANDURZ
  1753.  
  1754. Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
  1755.  
  1756. DARK HELMET
  1757.  
  1758. What happened to then?
  1759.  
  1760. COL SANDURZ
  1761.  
  1762. We passed then?
  1763.  
  1764. DARK HELMET
  1765.  
  1766. When?
  1767.  
  1768. COL SANDURZ
  1769.  
  1770. Just now. We're at now, now.
  1771.  
  1772. DARK HELMET
  1773.  
  1774. Go back to then.
  1775.  
  1776. COL SANDURZ
  1777.  
  1778. When?
  1779.  
  1780. DARK HELMET
  1781.  
  1782. Now.
  1783.  
  1784. COL SANDURZ
  1785.  
  1786. Now?
  1787.  
  1788. DARK HELMET
  1789.  
  1790. Now.
  1791.  
  1792. COL SANDURZ
  1793.  
  1794. I can't.
  1795.  
  1796. DARK HELMET
  1797.  
  1798. Why?
  1799.  
  1800. COL SANDURZ
  1801.  
  1802. We missed it.
  1803.  
  1804. DARK HELMET
  1805.  
  1806. When?
  1807.  
  1808. COL SANDURZ
  1809.  
  1810. Just now.
  1811.  
  1812. DARK HELMET
  1813.  
  1814. When will then be now?
  1815.  
  1816. CORPORAL rewinds the tape. He stops at the point when LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA and DOT are walking through the desert.
  1817.  
  1818. COL SANDURZ
  1819.  
  1820. Soon.
  1821.  
  1822. DARK HELMET
  1823.  
  1824. How soon?
  1825.  
  1826. CORPORAL
  1827.  
  1828. Sir.
  1829.  
  1830. DARK HELMET
  1831.  
  1832. What?
  1833.  
  1834. CORPORAL
  1835.  
  1836. We've identified their location.
  1837. DARK HELMET
  1838.  
  1839. Where?
  1840.  
  1841. CORPORAL
  1842.  
  1843. It's the Moon of Vega.
  1844.  
  1845. COL SANDURZ
  1846.  
  1847. Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival.
  1848.  
  1849. DARK HELMET
  1850.  
  1851. When?
  1852.  
  1853. CORPORAL
  1854.  
  1855. Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.
  1856.  
  1857. COL SANDURZ
  1858.  
  1859. By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
  1860.  
  1861. DARK HELMET
  1862.  
  1863. Hoooooo. (mask falls down)
  1864.  
  1865. DESERT - NIGHT
  1866. DOT is sleeping with a light going that says, "Sleep Mode." VESPA is cold and trying to keep warm. LONE STAR offers her his coat.
  1867.  
  1868. VESPA
  1869.  
  1870. No thank you. I'm perfectly all right.
  1871.  
  1872. LONE STARR
  1873.  
  1874. Take it. It's freezing (puts the jacket on her)
  1875.  
  1876. VESPA
  1877.  
  1878. If you insist. (smells the alcohol on the coat) Won't you be cold?
  1879.  
  1880. LONE STARR
  1881.  
  1882. Na, cold never bothers me.
  1883.  
  1884. VESPA
  1885.  
  1886. I can't seem to find Druidia.
  1887.  
  1888. LONE STARR
  1889.  
  1890. It's right there.
  1891.  
  1892. VESPA
  1893.  
  1894. Where?
  1895.  
  1896. LONE STARR
  1897.  
  1898. Right there. (points to a blue star) It's that bright, blue one, right there. See?
  1899.  
  1900. VESPA
  1901.  
  1902. Oh, yeah. But it's so far away.
  1903.  
  1904. LONE STARR
  1905.  
  1906. Don't worry. I'll get ya there.
  1907.  
  1908. VESPA
  1909.  
  1910. Which one's yours?
  1911.  
  1912. LONE STARR
  1913.  
  1914. Who knows.
  1915.  
  1916. VESPA
  1917.  
  1918. You don't know where your from?
  1919.  
  1920. LONE STARR
  1921.  
  1922. Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.
  1923.  
  1924. VESPA
  1925.  
  1926. Monastery? Where?
  1927.  
  1928. LONE STARR
  1929.  
  1930. Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.
  1931.  
  1932. VESPA
  1933.  
  1934. Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents?
  1935.  
  1936. LONE STARR
  1937.  
  1938. They couldn't. They took a vowel of silence. All I got was this.
  1939.  
  1940. He pulls a medallion out from his shirt. It has some type of writing.
  1941. LONE STARR
  1942.  
  1943. It was around my neck.
  1944.  
  1945. VESPA
  1946.  
  1947. What is it?
  1948.  
  1949. LONE STARR
  1950.  
  1951. I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the universe. No one can tell me what it means.
  1952.  
  1953. VESPA
  1954.  
  1955. It's beautiful. You know I.... It's beautiful.
  1956.  
  1957. LONE STAR puts the medallion back in his shirt.
  1958.  
  1959. LONE STARR
  1960.  
  1961. So, how come you ran away from your wedding?
  1962.  
  1963. VESPA
  1964.  
  1965. Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom.
  1966.  
  1967. LONE STARR
  1968.  
  1969. Why were you gonna marry him?
  1970.  
  1971. VESPA
  1972.  
  1973. Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince.
  1974.  
  1975. LONE STAR
  1976.  
  1977. Ah, and he doesn't do it for you, huh?
  1978.  
  1979. VESPA
  1980.  
  1981. No, he doesn't do it for me. I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize, now, that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
  1982.  
  1983. LONE STARR
  1984.  
  1985. You're probably right.
  1986.  
  1987. VESPA
  1988.  
  1989. I know, now, that I must live without love.
  1990.  
  1991. LONE STARR
  1992.  
  1993. I guess so.
  1994.  
  1995. VESPA
  1996.  
  1997. Besides, love isn't that important.
  1998.  
  1999. LONE STARR
  2000.  
  2001. Naaa, never was.
  2002.  
  2003. VESPA
  2004.  
  2005. I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love. (looks at him)
  2006.  
  2007. LONE STARR
  2008.  
  2009. Sure you could.
  2010.  
  2011. VESPA
  2012.  
  2013. Without physical contact.
  2014.  
  2015. LONE STARR
  2016.  
  2017. Yeah.
  2018.  
  2019. VESPA
  2020.  
  2021. Without being held. (moves closer to him)
  2022.  
  2023. LONE STARR
  2024.  
  2025. Yeah. (moves in closer)
  2026.  
  2027. VESPA
  2028.  
  2029. Or kissed.
  2030.  
  2031. VESPA and LONE STARR are about to kiss when an alarm starts going off. DOT'S Virgin Alarm is going off.
  2032.  
  2033. BARF
  2034.  
  2035. (wakes up) Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women and mogs first.
  2036.  
  2037. DOT walks over to VESPA and LONE STARR
  2038.  
  2039. .
  2040. DOT
  2041.  
  2042. We'll have none of that, mister. (to VESPA) How far did he get? Where'd he touch? Where'd he touch?
  2043.  
  2044. VESPA
  2045.  
  2046. Nothing happened.
  2047.  
  2048. LONE STARR
  2049.  
  2050. What the hell was that noise?
  2051.  
  2052. DOT
  2053.  
  2054. That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do. You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend....
  2055.  
  2056. LONE STAR
  2057.  
  2058. All right. All right. Let's all get some sleep. We gotta get moving before dawn.
  2059.  
  2060. BARF
  2061.  
  2062. Why so early?
  2063.  
  2064. LONE STARR
  2065.  
  2066. Because, we're in the middle of the desert, and we're not gonna get far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
  2067.  
  2068. DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.
  2069.  
  2070. BARF'S VOICE
  2071.  
  2072. Nice dissolve.
  2073.  
  2074. DESERT - MORNING
  2075. LONE STARR is walking, followed by BARF, DOT, then VESPA. They are all getting tired.
  2076.  
  2077. LONE STARR
  2078.  
  2079. Water, water.
  2080.  
  2081. BARF
  2082.  
  2083. (panting) Water.
  2084.  
  2085. DOT
  2086.  
  2087. Oil, oil.
  2088.  
  2089. VEPSA
  2090.  
  2091. Room service, room service.
  2092.  
  2093. DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.
  2094. DESERT - DAY
  2095. LONE STARR is carrying VESPA. BARF is carrying DOT. VESPA and DOT are asleep. BARF and LONE STARR are really tired.
  2096.  
  2097. BARF
  2098.  
  2099. I can't, I can't, I can't go, I can't go any further. I can't go any further.
  2100.  
  2101. LONE STARR
  2102.  
  2103. Just one more dune to go.
  2104.  
  2105. BARF
  2106.  
  2107. Nope. you said that three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter, check please. (falls down)
  2108.  
  2109. LONE STARR
  2110.  
  2111. Must go on. Must go on. Must go on. Who am I kidding. (drops VESPA then falls down)
  2112.  
  2113. The DINKS walk on the screen. They are short people with gold-brownish skin.
  2114.  
  2115. The DINKS
  2116.  
  2117. (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink....
  2118.  
  2119. The DINKS see LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT lying on the ground. They go to their aid.
  2120.  
  2121. HEAD DINK
  2122.  
  2123. Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
  2124.  
  2125. The DINKS split up and start giving water and oil to VESPA, LONE STARR, BARF, and DOT
  2126.  
  2127. HEAD DINK (with Barf)
  2128.  
  2129. Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
  2130.  
  2131. BARF'S TAIL starts wagging.
  2132.  
  2133. HEAD DINK (with Barf)
  2134.  
  2135. Dink, dink, dink, dink.
  2136.  
  2137. BARF
  2138.  
  2139. Oh, thanks little guy. (starts lapping the water)
  2140.  
  2141. LONE STARR
  2142.  
  2143. Thank you.
  2144.  
  2145. HEAD DINK (with Barf)
  2146.  
  2147. Dink, dink, dink.
  2148.  
  2149. LONE STARR
  2150.  
  2151. Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
  2152.  
  2153. LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, and BARF are being led by the DINKS to somewhere.
  2154.  
  2155. The DINKS
  2156.  
  2157. (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
  2158.  
  2159. DARK HELMET'S CRUISER - DAY
  2160. DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are in a cruiser. DARK HELMET is standing up, looking though binoculars. He has different type of uniform with a different type of helmet.
  2161.  
  2162. DARK HELMET
  2163.  
  2164. (mask on) I don't see them, Sandurz.
  2165.  
  2166. COL SANDURZ
  2167.  
  2168. I've sent the troops on up to Vector 78, sir.
  2169.  
  2170. DARK HELMET
  2171.  
  2172. Good. Let's get moving.
  2173.  
  2174. COL SANDURZ
  2175.  
  2176. Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.
  2177.  
  2178. DARK HELMET
  2179.  
  2180. What are you preparing. You're always preparing. Just go!
  2181.  
  2182. COL SANDURZ
  2183.  
  2184. Just go.
  2185.  
  2186. DRIVER
  2187.  
  2188. Yes, sir.
  2189.  
  2190. COL SANDURZ
  2191.  
  2192. Sir, shouldn't you sit down.
  2193.  
  2194. The cruiser takes off, and DARK HELMET is thrown in his seat.
  2195.  
  2196. EXT. TEMPLE - DAY The DINKS are opening a secret door in the sand, and lead LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT inside. They walk down a set of stairs.
  2197.  
  2198. INT. TEMPLE - DAY
  2199.  
  2200. The DINKS
  2201.  
  2202. Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.
  2203.  
  2204. BARF
  2205.  
  2206. What are they sayin'?
  2207.  
  2208. VESPA
  2209.  
  2210. Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.
  2211.  
  2212. They start walking down a tunnel with a huge statue at the end.
  2213.  
  2214. VESPA
  2215.  
  2216. What is this place?
  2217.  
  2218. BARF
  2219.  
  2220. It looks like the Temple of Doom.
  2221.  
  2222. DOT
  2223.  
  2224. Sure ain't Temple Bethresel.
  2225.  
  2226. LONE STARR
  2227.  
  2228. C'mon. I think we'd better follow 'em.
  2229.  
  2230. Steam starts coming out of the ears of the statue.
  2231.  
  2232. BARF
  2233.  
  2234. Ah-oh. I think we woke it up.
  2235.  
  2236. DOT
  2237.  
  2238. Goodbye, folks. (turns around and starts running to the door) Let me know how it turns out.
  2239.  
  2240. VESPA
  2241.  
  2242. Comeback here
  2243.  
  2244. DOT
  2245.  
  2246. We need you.
  2247.  
  2248. LONE STARR
  2249.  
  2250. C'mon, we gotta keep going.
  2251.  
  2252. VESPA
  2253.  
  2254. What's gonna happen now?
  2255.  
  2256. LONE STARR
  2257.  
  2258. Don't ask, maybe it won't.
  2259.  
  2260. BARF
  2261.  
  2262. Well, what if it does? I don't about know about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we oughtta get outta here....
  2263.  
  2264. Fire comes out of the statue's eyes.
  2265.  
  2266. LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT and BARF
  2267.  
  2268. Wow!
  2269.  
  2270. YOGURT'S VOICE
  2271.  
  2272. Silence! Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt.
  2273.  
  2274. LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT and BARF
  2275.  
  2276. Yogurt?
  2277.  
  2278. The bottom of the statue opens up. A small man about 3 feet tall comes out.
  2279.  
  2280. YOGURT
  2281.  
  2282. You heard of me?
  2283.  
  2284. LONE STARR
  2285.  
  2286. Heard of ya? Who hasn't of Yogurt?
  2287.  
  2288. VESPA
  2289.  
  2290. Yogurt, the wise.
  2291.  
  2292. DOT
  2293.  
  2294. Yogurt, the all powerful.
  2295.  
  2296. BARF
  2297.  
  2298. Yogurt, the magnificent.
  2299.  
  2300. YOGURT
  2301.  
  2302. Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just plain Yogurt.
  2303.  
  2304. LONE STARR
  2305.  
  2306. But you're the one....
  2307.  
  2308. YOGURT
  2309.  
  2310. Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe, known as....
  2311.  
  2312. BARF
  2313.  
  2314. The force?
  2315.  
  2316. YOGURT
  2317.  
  2318. No. The Schwartz.
  2319.  
  2320. LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT and BARF
  2321.  
  2322. Schwartz?
  2323.  
  2324. YOGURT
  2325.  
  2326. Yes. The Schwartz.
  2327.  
  2328. He holds his Schwartz ring. His is different than the ring DARK HELMET has.
  2329.  
  2330. LONE STARR
  2331.  
  2332. But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is that you do here?
  2333.  
  2334. YOGURT
  2335.  
  2336. Merchandising.
  2337.  
  2338. BARF
  2339.  
  2340. Merchandising? What's that?
  2341.  
  2342. YOGURT
  2343.  
  2344. Merchandising. Come. I'll show. Open up this door.
  2345.  
  2346. DINKS open a slab in the wall. In it, is a whole bunch of "Spaceballs - The Movie" merchandise.
  2347.  
  2348. YOGURT
  2349.  
  2350. Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the pictures name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower. (turns it on)
  2351.  
  2352. DINKS
  2353.  
  2354. Ooooooo.
  2355.  
  2356. YOGURT
  2357.  
  2358. The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Spaceballs - the Doll. (hold up a doll of himself) Me. (pulls on the string)
  2359.  
  2360. YOGURT
  2361.  
  2362. DOLL May the Schwartz be with you.
  2363.  
  2364. DINKS
  2365.  
  2366. giggle.
  2367.  
  2368. YOGURT
  2369.  
  2370. Adorable.
  2371.  
  2372. SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BEDROOM - NIGHT MARLENE & CHARLENE are in Skroob's bed. SKROOB is under "Spaceballs - the Sheet" fondling the twins. MARLENE & CHARLENE Wew, wew, wew, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ohh, weeew....
  2373.  
  2374. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
  2375.  
  2376. COMMANDERETTE
  2377.  
  2378. President Skroob.
  2379.  
  2380. MARLENE & CHARLENE hide under the sheet. SKROOB comes out from under the sheet. He is holding a book upside-down.
  2381.  
  2382. SKROOB
  2383.  
  2384. What is it?
  2385.  
  2386. COMMANDERETTE
  2387.  
  2388. I have an urgent message from Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess.
  2389.  
  2390. SKROOB
  2391.  
  2392. Where?
  2393.  
  2394. COMMANDERETTE
  2395.  
  2396. Somewhere on the sands of Vega.
  2397.  
  2398. SKROOB
  2399.  
  2400. Tell him to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert.
  2401.  
  2402. COMMANDERETTE
  2403.  
  2404. Yes, sir.
  2405.  
  2406. MOON OF VEGA - DESERT - DAY
  2407. Six guards are moving large combs across the desert. DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are in the cruiser.
  2408.  
  2409. COL SANDURZ
  2410.  
  2411. Sir.
  2412.  
  2413. DARK HELMET
  2414.  
  2415. (mask off; in bullhorn) What?
  2416.  
  2417. COL SANDURZ
  2418.  
  2419. Are we being too literal.
  2420.  
  2421. DARK HELMET
  2422.  
  2423. (in bullhorn) No, you fool. We're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.
  2424.  
  2425. DARK HELMET
  2426.  
  2427. puts down the bullhorn and shouts to the troopers.
  2428.  
  2429. DARK HELMET
  2430.  
  2431. (shouts) Found anything yet?
  2432.  
  2433. TROOPER WITH COMB
  2434.  
  2435. Nothing yet, sir.
  2436.  
  2437. DARK HELMET
  2438.  
  2439. (shouts) How about you?
  2440.  
  2441. TROOPER WITH 2ND COMB
  2442.  
  2443. Not a thing, sir.
  2444.  
  2445. DARK HELMET
  2446.  
  2447. (shouts) What about you guys?
  2448.  
  2449. TROOPER WITH MINI COMB
  2450.  
  2451. We ain't found shit.
  2452.  
  2453. INT. TEMPLE - DAY
  2454. YOGURT and LONE STARR are standing in front the big statue. LONE STAR is showing YOGURT his medallion.
  2455.  
  2456. LONE STARR
  2457.  
  2458. It's a big mystery. None of the wise men can tell me what it means.
  2459.  
  2460. YOGURT
  2461.  
  2462. Wise men, pa sha. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know. Here, let me take a look. (he takes the medallion) Whuck, whuck, munuck, munck, muck, muck.
  2463.  
  2464. LONE STAR
  2465.  
  2466. You can read it?
  2467.  
  2468. YOGURT
  2469.  
  2470. No, I was just clearing my throat. Here, let me take look at this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.
  2471.  
  2472. LONE STARR
  2473.  
  2474. You understand it?
  2475.  
  2476. YOGURT
  2477.  
  2478. Yes.
  2479.  
  2480. LONE STAR
  2481.  
  2482. What's it say?
  2483.  
  2484. YOGURT
  2485.  
  2486. I cannot tell you that now. It will be revealed to you at the proper time.
  2487.  
  2488. LONE STARR
  2489.  
  2490. Great. (puts the medallion back in his shirt)
  2491.  
  2492. YOGURT
  2493.  
  2494. C'mon, don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training. Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue.
  2495.  
  2496. LONE STARR
  2497.  
  2498. (puts the ring on) Okay, but I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
  2499.  
  2500. YOGURT
  2501.  
  2502. Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz.
  2503.  
  2504. LONE STARR points the ring to statue.
  2505.  
  2506. YOGURT
  2507.  
  2508. C'mon, concentrate. Ooghuh, ooghugh. ooghuh.
  2509.  
  2510. The statue starts lifting off the ground.
  2511.  
  2512. YOGURT
  2513.  
  2514. LONE STARR, you're doing it. You're doing it. (laughs)
  2515.  
  2516. LONE STARR
  2517.  
  2518. I can't believe it. The Schwartz, it's working.
  2519.  
  2520. BARF
  2521.  
  2522. walks by the statue and puts his foot under it.
  2523.  
  2524. BARF
  2525.  
  2526. Hey, boss, how'd you do that?
  2527.  
  2528. LONE STARR
  2529.  
  2530. puts the ring down. The statue falls on Barf's toe.
  2531.  
  2532. BARF
  2533.  
  2534. Whaoooooooooooooo! Whao, whao, whao, ahhhh, who, who, whooo. . . .
  2535.  
  2536. YOGURT
  2537.  
  2538. Gimme the ring. Gimmie the ring.
  2539.  
  2540. YOGURT takes the ring from LONE STARR. He points it at the big statue. YOGURT Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy. The statue lifts up, and BARF lifts his foot out. It is big and flat.
  2541. BARF
  2542.  
  2543. Owwwwwww, ooooooooooohohoooooo, ooooooo....
  2544.  
  2545. LONE STARR
  2546.  
  2547. Sorry, Barf.
  2548.  
  2549. BARF
  2550.  
  2551. (growls) Oooooooooooooohohooooooo, oooooooooooohohooooooo.
  2552.  
  2553. EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHT DARK HELMET is standing next to the secret door. He can't see because it is covered in sand.
  2554. COL SANDURZ
  2555.  
  2556. is telling the troops what to do.
  2557.  
  2558. COL SANDURZ
  2559.  
  2560. Keep searching. (to Helmet) It's no use use, sir. We've searched everywhere.
  2561.  
  2562. DARK HELMET
  2563.  
  2564. (mask off) Wait. I feel the presence of the Schwartz.
  2565.  
  2566. COL SANDURZ
  2567.  
  2568. The Schwartz?
  2569.  
  2570. DARK HELMET
  2571.  
  2572. Yes. It's coming.... (gets his ring out of his pocket and puts it on)
  2573.  
  2574. COL SANDURZ
  2575.  
  2576. covers his crotch.
  2577.  
  2578. DARK HELMET
  2579.  
  2580. ....from somewhere down....there.
  2581.  
  2582. COL SANDURZ
  2583.  
  2584. (bushes away the sand) You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here. And look at this insignia, it's a Y.
  2585.  
  2586. DARK HELMET
  2587.  
  2588. Yogurt. Yogurt. I hate Yogurt. Even with strawberries.
  2589.  
  2590. COL SANDURZ
  2591.  
  2592. I'll call the attack squad, sir.
  2593.  
  2594. DARK HELMET
  2595.  
  2596. No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful.
  2597.  
  2598. COL SANDURZ
  2599.  
  2600. But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
  2601.  
  2602. DARK HELMET
  2603.  
  2604. No, he got the up-side. I got the down-side. You see, there's two kinds of every Schwartz.
  2605.  
  2606. COL SANDURZ
  2607.  
  2608. Well, how are we gonna go in there and get her?
  2609.  
  2610. DARK HELMET
  2611.  
  2612. (flips his mask on) We will not go in there. She will come out to us. (holds up his ring)
  2613.  
  2614. INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT
  2615. VESPA is sleeping in a bed surrounded by candles. DOT is in Sleep Mode.
  2616.  
  2617. ROLAND'S VOICE
  2618.  
  2619. VESPA, VESPA, my child. Where are you?
  2620.  
  2621. VESPA
  2622.  
  2623. (wakes up) Daddy?
  2624.  
  2625. ROLAND'S VOICE
  2626.  
  2627. VESPA, it's your father, King Roland. Come to me.
  2628.  
  2629. VESPA
  2630.  
  2631. Daddy. Daddy, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you? (starts walking out the door)
  2632.  
  2633. ROLAND'S VOICE
  2634.  
  2635. Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me.
  2636.  
  2637. DOT
  2638.  
  2639. (wakes up) VESPA, where are you going?
  2640.  
  2641. EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHT
  2642. ROLAND is standing outside in the desert.
  2643.  
  2644. ROLAND'S VOICE
  2645.  
  2646. VESPA, come to me.
  2647.  
  2648. VESPA
  2649.  
  2650. (opens the door and walks on the desert toward Roland) Daddy, is it really you?
  2651.  
  2652. ROLAND'S VOICE
  2653.  
  2654. Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie?
  2655.  
  2656. VESPA
  2657.  
  2658. Daddy.
  2659.  
  2660. DOT walks out and turns on the Supervision Mode.
  2661.  
  2662. DOT
  2663.  
  2664. Oh, VESPA, don't.
  2665.  
  2666. When VESPA reaches to hug ROLAND, he turns into DARK HELMET.
  2667.  
  2668. VESPA
  2669.  
  2670. Ah! Ohhhhh. (faints and falls into Helmet's arms)
  2671.  
  2672. DARK HELMET
  2673.  
  2674. (mask down) Fooled you. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
  2675.  
  2676. A guard covers DOT's eyes and she shuts down. DARK HELMET Take them both aboard, and put the princess in my quarters. (hands her to Sandurz)
  2677.  
  2678. COL SANDURZ
  2679.  
  2680. Yes sir. (walks off screen with VESPA)
  2681.  
  2682. DARK HELMET
  2683.  
  2684. Now she is mine.
  2685.  
  2686. INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT
  2687. LONE STARR and BARF come from their room. The DINKS are dinking "They've taken the princess."
  2688.  
  2689. LONE STARR
  2690.  
  2691. What are they sayin'?
  2692.  
  2693. YOGURT
  2694.  
  2695. They've taken the princess.
  2696.  
  2697. LONE STARR and BARF run outside.
  2698.  
  2699. EXT. DESERT - NIGHT
  2700. Spaceball 1 takes off toward space.
  2701. LONE STARR and BARF just now get out the door.
  2702.  
  2703. LONE STARR
  2704.  
  2705. Spaceballs, too late.
  2706.  
  2707. BARF
  2708.  
  2709. Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.
  2710.  
  2711. DESERT - EAGLE 5 - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF are getting ready to leave.
  2712.  
  2713. LONE STARR
  2714.  
  2715. Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.
  2716.  
  2717. YOGURT
  2718.  
  2719. You're welcome, and here. (throws a fortune cookie at LONE STARR) Just encase you get hungry.
  2720.  
  2721. LONE STARR
  2722.  
  2723. (catches it) A fortune cookie?
  2724.  
  2725. YOGURT
  2726.  
  2727. Yes. Remember, open it before you eat it.
  2728.  
  2729. LONE STAR
  2730.  
  2731. Thanks. Well, we'd better get going. I wonder, we will we ever see each other again.
  2732.  
  2733. YOGURT
  2734.  
  2735. Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money. Good-bye LONE STARR.
  2736.  
  2737. LONE STAR
  2738.  
  2739. Good-bye, Yogurt.
  2740.  
  2741. LONE STARR and YOGURT shake hands. When LONE STAR pulls his hand back, he pulls back the ring.
  2742.  
  2743. LONE STARR
  2744.  
  2745. The ring of the Schwartz. No, I can't take this.
  2746.  
  2747. YOGURT
  2748.  
  2749. Take it. Take it. You might need it.
  2750.  
  2751. LONE STARR
  2752.  
  2753. Thanks. I'll never forget you. Wish me luck. DINKS Dink, dink.
  2754.  
  2755. LONE STARR climbs into Eagle 5. It starts up and takes off toward space.
  2756.  
  2757. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - DARK HELMET'S ROOM - SPACE
  2758. DARK HELMET is apparently talking to VESPA.
  2759.  
  2760. DARK HELMET
  2761.  
  2762. (mask up; talking in his mask down voice) So, Princess VESPA. At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to.
  2763.  
  2764. He is playing with dolls.
  2765.  
  2766. DARK HELMET
  2767.  
  2768. (imitating VESPA ) No. No, please, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No you are mine. (imitating LONE STARR) Not so fast, Helmet. (mask down voice) LONE STARR (imitating LONE STARR) Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you are going to die. (imitating LONE STARR) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating Barf) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (mask down voice) The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. (imitating Barf) Oh, ohhh. (mask down voice) And you too. (imitating DOT) Oh, ohh. (mask down voice) Now, Princess VESPA, at last we are alone. (imitating VESPA) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course you do. Drewish princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I have both, and you know it. (imitating VESPA) No, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No, kiss me. (imitating VESPA) No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're helmet is so big.
  2769.  
  2770. COL SANDURZ
  2771.  
  2772. opens the door behind him.
  2773.  
  2774. COL SANDURZ
  2775.  
  2776. Lord Helmet.
  2777.  
  2778. DARK HELMET
  2779.  
  2780. (holds all the dolls out of Sandurz's sight) What?
  2781.  
  2782. COL SANDURZ
  2783.  
  2784. You're needed on the bridge, sir.
  2785.  
  2786. DARK HELMET
  2787.  
  2788. Knock on my door. Knock next time.
  2789.  
  2790. COL SANDURZ
  2791.  
  2792. Yes, sir.
  2793.  
  2794. DARK HELMET
  2795.  
  2796. Did you see anything?
  2797.  
  2798. COL SANDURZ
  2799.  
  2800. No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
  2801.  
  2802. DARK HELMET
  2803.  
  2804. Good.
  2805.  
  2806. PLANET SPACEBALL - SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BATHROOM - NIGHT
  2807. SKROOB is standing in front of the toilet. He is peeing. His back is to the camera. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall in front of him.
  2808.  
  2809. COMMANDERETTE
  2810.  
  2811. President Skroob.
  2812.  
  2813. SKROOB
  2814.  
  2815. (covers crotch) Aaa. I told you never to call me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall.
  2816.  
  2817. COMMANDERETTE
  2818.  
  2819. Sorry, sir, but it's very urgent. Princess VESPA has just been brought to your office, and Lord Helmet and Colonel Sandurz are awaiting you there.
  2820.  
  2821. SKROOB
  2822.  
  2823. All right, all right. Tell them I'll be right there.
  2824.  
  2825. COMMANDERETTE
  2826.  
  2827. Yes, sir. (salutes)
  2828.  
  2829. SKROOB returns salute. He realizes he uncovered his crotch. He covers it back up. COMMANDERETTE smirks and disappears off the wall. SKROOB flushes the toilet and walks out.
  2830.  
  2831. INT. SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT
  2832. DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are talking to ROLAND on the screen. Behind them is VESPA on a table turned vertically. Also is DR. SCHLOTKINS, GRETCHEN, and ARNOLD.
  2833.  
  2834. ROLAND
  2835.  
  2836. Helmet, you fiend, what's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?
  2837.  
  2838. DARK HELMET
  2839.  
  2840. (mask down) Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest nose-job man in the entire universe and Beverly-Hills.
  2841.  
  2842. SCHLOTKINS Your
  2843.  
  2844. highness.
  2845.  
  2846. ROLAND
  2847.  
  2848. Nose-job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose. It was a sweet- 16 present.
  2849.  
  2850. DARK HELMET
  2851.  
  2852. No, it's not what you think. It's much, much, worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins will give your daughter back (holds up picture) her old nose.
  2853.  
  2854. VESPA
  2855.  
  2856. Nooooooooooooooooooo. Where did you get that?
  2857.  
  2858. ROLAND
  2859.  
  2860. All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.
  2861.  
  2862. VESPA
  2863.  
  2864. No, daddy, no. You mustn't.
  2865.  
  2866. ROLAND
  2867.  
  2868. You're right my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell them the combination no matter what.
  2869.  
  2870. DARK HELMET
  2871.  
  2872. Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst.
  2873.  
  2874. SCHLOTKINS Your
  2875.  
  2876. My pleasure.
  2877.  
  2878. The table turns horizontal.
  2879. VESPA
  2880.  
  2881. faints.
  2882.  
  2883. ROLAND
  2884.  
  2885. No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell.
  2886.  
  2887. DARK HELMET
  2888.  
  2889. I knew it would work.
  2890.  
  2891. DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ go closer to the screen. COL SANDURZ is going to write the combination down.
  2892.  
  2893. DARK HELMET
  2894.  
  2895. All right, give to me.
  2896.  
  2897. ROLAND
  2898.  
  2899. The combination is (hesitates) one.
  2900.  
  2901. DARK HELMET
  2902.  
  2903. One.
  2904.  
  2905. COL SANDURZ
  2906.  
  2907. One. (writes)
  2908.  
  2909. ROLAND
  2910.  
  2911. Two.
  2912.  
  2913. DARK HELMET
  2914.  
  2915. Two.
  2916.  
  2917. COL SANDURZ
  2918.  
  2919. Two. (writes)
  2920.  
  2921. ROLAND
  2922.  
  2923. Three.
  2924.  
  2925. DARK HELMET
  2926.  
  2927. Three.
  2928.  
  2929. COL SANDURZ
  2930.  
  2931. Three (writes)
  2932.  
  2933. ROLAND
  2934.  
  2935. Four.
  2936.  
  2937. DARK HELMET
  2938.  
  2939. Four.
  2940.  
  2941. COL SANDURZ
  2942.  
  2943. Four. (writes)
  2944.  
  2945. ROLAND
  2946.  
  2947. (hesitates) Five.
  2948.  
  2949. DARK HELMET
  2950.  
  2951. Five.
  2952.  
  2953. COL SANDURZ
  2954.  
  2955. Five. (writes)
  2956.  
  2957. DARK HELMET
  2958.  
  2959. So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. (lifts mask) That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life. That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.
  2960.  
  2961. COL SANDURZ
  2962.  
  2963. Thank you, your highness.
  2964.  
  2965. COL SANDURZ takes a remote out of his pocket, points it at the wall, and hits a button. Instead of turning off the wall, he turned off the whole movie. A blank screen appears. GRETCHEN is making sensual noises.
  2966.  
  2967. DARK HELMET
  2968.  
  2969. What'd you do?
  2970.  
  2971. COL SANDURZ
  2972.  
  2973. I turned off the wall.
  2974.  
  2975. DARK HELMET
  2976.  
  2977. No you didn't. You turned off the whole movie.
  2978.  
  2979. COL SANDURZ
  2980.  
  2981. Well I must have pressed the wrong button.
  2982.  
  2983. DARK HELMET
  2984.  
  2985. Well, turn it back on. Put the movie back on.
  2986.  
  2987. COL SANDURZ
  2988.  
  2989. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
  2990.  
  2991. The screen comes back on.
  2992. DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are standing in front. SCHLOTKINS is kissing on GRETCHEN'S breasts. She is still making sensual noises.
  2993.  
  2994. DARK HELMET
  2995.  
  2996. We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the combination. Schlotkins.
  2997.  
  2998. SCHLOTKINS
  2999.  
  3000. (turns around) What?
  3001.  
  3002. GRETCHEN zips up her dress.
  3003.  
  3004. DARK HELMET
  3005.  
  3006. We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your puts.
  3007.  
  3008. SCHLOTKINS
  3009.  
  3010. Let's go Arnold. Come Gretchen. Of course, you know, I'll still have to bill you for this.
  3011.  
  3012. SCHLOTKINS, ARNOLD, and GRETCHEN walk out the door. GRETCHEN looks at DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ before she walks out.
  3013.  
  3014. DARK HELMET
  3015.  
  3016. I bet she gives great helmet.
  3017.  
  3018. SKROOB walks in.
  3019.  
  3020. SKROOB
  3021.  
  3022. Well, did it work? Where's the king?
  3023.  
  3024. DARK HELMET
  3025.  
  3026. It worked, sir. We have the combination.
  3027.  
  3028. SKROOB
  3029.  
  3030. Great. Now we can take every last breath fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination?
  3031.  
  3032. COL SANDURZ
  3033.  
  3034. One, two, three, four, five.
  3035.  
  3036. SKROOB
  3037.  
  3038. One, two, three, four, five?
  3039.  
  3040. COL SANDURZ
  3041.  
  3042. That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage. Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure.
  3043.  
  3044. COL SANDURZ
  3045.  
  3046. Yes, sir.
  3047.  
  3048. SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET start walking out the door.
  3049.  
  3050. SKROOB
  3051.  
  3052. And change the combination on my luggage.
  3053.  
  3054. DARK HELMET
  3055.  
  3056. walks through the door. The door closes on him.
  3057.  
  3058. DARK HELMET
  3059.  
  3060. Aaaaaa.
  3061.  
  3062. PLANET SPACEBALL - INT. EAGLE 5 - NIGHT
  3063. LONE STARR and BARF are in the front. LONE STARR is driving.
  3064.  
  3065. BARF
  3066.  
  3067. There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.
  3068.  
  3069. LONE STARR
  3070.  
  3071. Good. I'm takin' her in.
  3072.  
  3073. SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON BALL - NIGHT
  3074. EAGLE 5 lands on the road. It is a no parking zone. Two DOOR GUARDS are standing at the door.
  3075.  
  3076. SLENDER DOOR GUARD
  3077.  
  3078. What the hell is that thing?
  3079.  
  3080. CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
  3081.  
  3082. It looks like a Winnebago with wings.
  3083.  
  3084. SLENDER DOOR GUARD
  3085.  
  3086. Gees. Hey you can't park here.
  3087.  
  3088. CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
  3089.  
  3090. Yeah, can't you guys read: No parking.
  3091.  
  3092. BARF opens the door and flips them off. He also makes kissing noises. BARF >is hinting they're lovers.
  3093.  
  3094. SLENDER DOOR GUARD
  3095.  
  3096. That son of a.... (cocks gun)
  3097.  
  3098. The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and CHUBBY DOOR GUARD go to the door that BARF went back in.
  3099.  
  3100. SLENDER DOOR GUARD
  3101.  
  3102. All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking.
  3103.  
  3104. CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
  3105.  
  3106. Yeah.
  3107.  
  3108. They walk in. The EAGLE 5 starts rocking back and forth. The guards are shouting. Afterwards, LONE STARR comes out in the SLENDER DOOR GUARD'S uniform. BARF comes out in the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD'S uniform. His tail is sticking out the back of the pants. They walk to the door. LONE STARR unlocks the door with the key on the uniform. They walk in.
  3109. INT. PRISON DOME - FRONT HALL - NIGHT
  3110.  
  3111. LONE STARR and BARF walk down a hall. They notice a PRISON GUARD walking down the hall towards them. LONE STARR and BARF stand against the wall. The PRISON GUARD walks past them. LONE STARR and BARF start walking the way they were going. The PRISON GUARD looks back at them. He notices BARF'S TAIL. He looks forward again.
  3112.  
  3113. PRISON GUARD
  3114.  
  3115. Nah.
  3116.  
  3117. INT. PRISON DOME - ROYAL PRISONS - NIGHT
  3118.  
  3119. LONE STARR and BARF walk in. They notice a sign above the doorway. It says, "ROYAL PRISONERS ONLY. MAXIMUM SECURITY."
  3120.  
  3121. LONE STARR
  3122.  
  3123. She's gotta be in one of these cells.
  3124.  
  3125. BARF
  3126.  
  3127. Yeah, but which one.
  3128.  
  3129. They search in each door. They open the eye slot on each door they look through.
  3130.  
  3131. BARF
  3132.  
  3133. No.
  3134.  
  3135. LONE STARR
  3136.  
  3137. No.
  3138.  
  3139. VESPA
  3140.  
  3141. (O.S.) (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows....
  3142.  
  3143. LONE STARR
  3144.  
  3145. It's coming from there.
  3146.  
  3147. BARF
  3148.  
  3149. That can't be her.
  3150.  
  3151. LONE STARR and BARF walk towards the cell
  3152. VESPA'S singing is coming from.
  3153.  
  3154. VESPA
  3155.  
  3156. (O.S.) (sings in deep voice) ....the trouble I've seen.
  3157.  
  3158. LONE STARR opens the eye slot. He finds VESPA inside. DOT is sleeping next to her.
  3159.  
  3160. VESPA
  3161.  
  3162. (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows but Jesus.
  3163.  
  3164. LONE STARR
  3165.  
  3166. It's her.
  3167.  
  3168. BARF
  3169.  
  3170. looks in.
  3171.  
  3172. VESPA
  3173.  
  3174. (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
  3175.  
  3176. BARF
  3177.  
  3178. She's a bass.
  3179.  
  3180. VESPA
  3181.  
  3182. (sings in deep voice) Glory hallelujah.
  3183.  
  3184. LONE STARR opens the door with the key he used to open the front door. He and BARF walk in. The door closes on BARF'S TAIL.
  3185.  
  3186. BARF
  3187.  
  3188. Hieee.
  3189.  
  3190. VESPA
  3191.  
  3192. What do you what? DOT wakes up.
  3193.  
  3194. LONE STARR
  3195.  
  3196. (takes off helmet) It's me.
  3197.  
  3198. BARF
  3199.  
  3200. (takes off helmet) It's us.
  3201.  
  3202. VESPA
  3203.  
  3204. Lone Starr. How'd you find us?
  3205.  
  3206. LONE STARR
  3207.  
  3208. No time to talk. C'mon.
  3209.  
  3210. BARF
  3211.  
  3212. We gotta move.
  3213.  
  3214. DOT
  3215.  
  3216. Barf. How'd you do it?
  3217.  
  3218. LONE STARR pulls VESPA out of the cell. BARF follows with DOT . They sneak out of the hall.
  3219.  
  3220. SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRISON DOME - INNER HALLS - NIGHT
  3221.  
  3222. LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT start to run for the front door. LONE STARR stops.
  3223.  
  3224. SLENDER DOOR GUARD(O.S)
  3225.  
  3226. Freeze!
  3227.  
  3228. The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD are standing in the hall with their guns. They are in their underwear.
  3229.  
  3230. SLENDER DOOR GUARD
  3231.  
  3232. Those are the guys that stole our uniforms. (cocks gun)
  3233.  
  3234. CHUBBY DOOR GUARD(O.S)
  3235.  
  3236. And beat the shit out of us, too. (cocks gun)
  3237.  
  3238. LONE STARR cocks his gun. He fires it at the door guards. The door guards run off. Laser blasts come from another hall.
  3239.  
  3240. LONE STARR
  3241.  
  3242. Ah-oh, we got company.
  3243.  
  3244. LONE STARR kneels down and crawls over to the opposite wall. VESPA , BARF, and DOT follow. LONE STARR and BARF fire at the troopers that are firing at them.
  3245.  
  3246. BARF
  3247.  
  3248. Dammit. That's our only way out.
  3249.  
  3250. VESPA
  3251.  
  3252. We're trapped!
  3253.  
  3254. DOT
  3255.  
  3256. Oh, I hate these movies.
  3257.  
  3258. LONE STARR and BARF keep firing at the troopers. BARF throws his gun down.
  3259.  
  3260. BARF
  3261.  
  3262. I'm outta ammo.
  3263.  
  3264. LONE STARR
  3265.  
  3266. Get back. I'll hold'em off.
  3267.  
  3268. LONE STARR and the TROOPERS keep firing at each other.
  3269.  
  3270. BARF
  3271.  
  3272. I got an idea.
  3273.  
  3274. BARF walks over to a quad-pipe loop. LONE STARR stops firing and stands up.
  3275.  
  3276. LONE STARR
  3277.  
  3278. What are you doing?
  3279.  
  3280. BARF starts to pull out the pipes.
  3281.  
  3282. DOT
  3283.  
  3284. What's he doing?
  3285.  
  3286. BARF pulls out half of the pipes. He takes it to the hallway where the firing is coming from. He faces the openings to the TROOPERS. The TROOPERS fire at BARF. The shots go into the pipes. They enter the top and exit the bottom. All the shots hit each TROOPER. When each TROOPER is hit, they fall down.
  3287.  
  3288. LONE STARR
  3289.  
  3290. Good work.
  3291.  
  3292. Laser blasts come out of another hall.
  3293.  
  3294. LONE STARR
  3295.  
  3296. Ah-oh, more ping-pongs. Run for it.
  3297.  
  3298. BARF
  3299.  
  3300. Let's go.
  3301.  
  3302. BARF starts running down a hall. LONE STARR starts running. VESPA and DOT start running.
  3303.  
  3304. VESPA
  3305.  
  3306. It's closing.
  3307.  
  3308. A door in front of them starts closing vertically.
  3309.  
  3310. VESPA
  3311.  
  3312. The door is closing.
  3313.  
  3314. LONE STAR
  3315.  
  3316. Go for the door.
  3317.  
  3318. LONE STARR, BARF, DOT, and VESPA jump through the door just before it closes.
  3319.  
  3320. SPACEBALL CITY - INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
  3321.  
  3322. TROOPERS come in through another door. LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA and DOT start to get up.
  3323.  
  3324. TROOPER
  3325.  
  3326. Don't move, or you're dead! Stand up! Captain, we've got them!
  3327.  
  3328. The CAPTAIN walks in behind them.
  3329.  
  3330. CAPTAIN
  3331.  
  3332. Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for not. Turn around please.
  3333.  
  3334. The stunt doubles of LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT turn around.
  3335.  
  3336. CAPTAIN
  3337.  
  3338. Ha. What a pity. What a pity. So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of....
  3339.  
  3340. The CAPTAIN looks at VESPA with his mouth open. VESPA'S stunt double is a man with a cigar in his mouth.
  3341.  
  3342. CAPTAIN
  3343.  
  3344. You idiots! These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles! Search the area. Find them! Find them!
  3345.  
  3346. SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON DOME - NIGHT
  3347.  
  3348. The real BARF,
  3349. LONE STARR, VESPA, and DOT come out of the PRISON DOME. LONE STARR is firing at the TROOPERS that follows them out the door. A laser blast hits the lock on a door of the EAGLE 5. BARF runs over to the that door. He tries to open it.
  3350.  
  3351. VESPA
  3352.  
  3353. Open the door.
  3354.  
  3355. BARF
  3356.  
  3357. I can't. It's fused.
  3358.  
  3359. VESPA
  3360.  
  3361. Well, what about this one? (pulls on another door)
  3362.  
  3363. BARF
  3364.  
  3365. It's locked.
  3366.  
  3367. VESPA
  3368.  
  3369. Well, where are the keys?
  3370.  
  3371. BARF
  3372.  
  3373. Inside.
  3374.  
  3375. VESPA
  3376.  
  3377. Oh, great!
  3378.  
  3379. LONE STARR
  3380.  
  3381. Duck!
  3382.  
  3383. BARF, DOT, and VESPA lean against the EAGLE 5. LONE STARR runs back towards the door that's fused. He hands his gun to VESPA.
  3384.  
  3385. LONE STAR
  3386.  
  3387. Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door.
  3388.  
  3389. VESPA
  3390.  
  3391. I ain't shootin' this thing. I hate guns.
  3392.  
  3393. A TROOPER fires at VESPA'S hair. The laser blast hits it.
  3394.  
  3395. DOT
  3396.  
  3397. Ah.
  3398.  
  3399. VESPA
  3400.  
  3401. My hair. He shot my hair. Son of a bitch. (cocks gun)
  3402.  
  3403. VEPSA walks toward the TROOPERS. She starts firing at the them. She hits every one of them. BARF and LONE STARR look up.
  3404.  
  3405. BARF
  3406.  
  3407. Holy shit.
  3408.  
  3409. VESPA
  3410.  
  3411. (blows the barrel) How was that.
  3412.  
  3413. LONE STARR
  3414.  
  3415. Not bad.
  3416.  
  3417. BARF
  3418.  
  3419. Not bad for a girl.
  3420.  
  3421. DOT
  3422.  
  3423. Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.
  3424.  
  3425. VESPA
  3426.  
  3427. Let's blow this joint.
  3428.  
  3429. EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
  3430.  
  3431. There are foot steps running somewhere on the ship.
  3432.  
  3433. INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
  3434.  
  3435. SKROOB is running down the ship towards DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ.
  3436.  
  3437. VOICE(O.S.) President Skroob. Salute.
  3438.  
  3439. ALL Hail Skroob. (salute)
  3440.  
  3441. SKROOB (stops running) The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie would be over.
  3442.  
  3443. COL SANDURZ
  3444.  
  3445. Sir?
  3446.  
  3447. SKROOB
  3448.  
  3449. Yes, uuh.
  3450.  
  3451. SKROOB looks at DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET'S mask is down.
  3452.  
  3453. SKROOB
  3454.  
  3455. Never have that damn thing down in front of me. How do I know you're not making faces at me under there.
  3456.  
  3457. DARK HELMET lifts up his mask. He sticks his tongue out at SKROOB.
  3458.  
  3459. COL SANDURZ
  3460.  
  3461. President Skroob
  3462.  
  3463. SKROOB
  3464.  
  3465. Yes.
  3466.  
  3467. DARK HELMET puts his tongue back in his mouth.
  3468.  
  3469. COL SANDURZ
  3470.  
  3471. There it is: Planet Druidia.
  3472.  
  3473. SKROOB
  3474.  
  3475. Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
  3476.  
  3477. DARK HELMET
  3478.  
  3479. (mask up; to Sandurz) The way he runs things, it last a hundred.
  3480.  
  3481. SKROOB
  3482.  
  3483. What?
  3484.  
  3485. DARK HELMET shrugs.
  3486.  
  3487. COL SANDURZ
  3488.  
  3489. We're beginning metamorphosis, sir.
  3490.  
  3491. SKROOB
  3492.  
  3493. Good. Get on with it.
  3494.  
  3495. DARK HELMET
  3496.  
  3497. Ready, Kafka?
  3498.  
  3499. INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
  3500.  
  3501. LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT are sitting up front. LONE STARR is driving.
  3502.  
  3503. LONE STARR
  3504.  
  3505. Look. It's Spaceball 1. They've reached the air shield.
  3506.  
  3507. DOT
  3508.  
  3509. And it's opening.
  3510.  
  3511. BARF
  3512.  
  3513. How they gonna get the air out? I don't see any hoses or anything.
  3514.  
  3515. EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA
  3516.  
  3517. SPACE SPACEBALL 1 begins to move. It starts to change form.
  3518.  
  3519. VESPA
  3520.  
  3521. (O.S.) What's happening? The ship it's changing.
  3522.  
  3523. SPACEBALL 1 keeps on changing. Arms start to grow out of the side. The rockets turn into feet.
  3524.  
  3525. INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
  3526.  
  3527.  
  3528. BARF
  3529.  
  3530. Oh my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's a transformer.
  3531.  
  3532. EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT DRUIDIA - SPACE
  3533.  
  3534. The front of the ship starts to turn over.
  3535.  
  3536. DOT
  3537.  
  3538. (O.S.) It's changing into....
  3539.  
  3540. BARF(O.S.)
  3541.  
  3542. ....a gigantic....
  3543.  
  3544. The front turns over to reveal a head similar the Statue of Liberty's head. SPACEBALL 1 has changed into a Statue of Liberty with a maid's outfit and a vacuum cleaner.
  3545.  
  3546. VESPA (O.S.)
  3547.  
  3548. ....maid.
  3549.  
  3550. LONE STARR (O.S.)
  3551.  
  3552. With a vacuum cleaner.
  3553.  
  3554. BARF (O.S.)
  3555.  
  3556. So that's how they're gonna to get the air out.
  3557.  
  3558. INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
  3559.  
  3560. The front of the ship is almost the same, except for the escape pods at the top.
  3561.  
  3562. COL SANDURZ
  3563.  
  3564. Metamorphoses is completed, sir. Spaceball 1 has now become.... (looks at the timpanist) The TIMPANIST plays a sort of fanfare on the timpani.
  3565.  
  3566. COL SANDURZ
  3567.  
  3568. ....Mega Maid.
  3569.  
  3570. DARK HELMET
  3571.  
  3572. (mask up) Good.
  3573.  
  3574. SKROOB
  3575.  
  3576. Remarkable.
  3577.  
  3578. DARK HELMET
  3579.  
  3580. Now, commence Operation: Vacu-suck.
  3581.  
  3582. EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
  3583.  
  3584. A finger flips a switch on the vacuum to "ON." The vacuum starts up.
  3585.  
  3586. PLANET DRUIDIA - SURFACE - DAY
  3587.  
  3588. The vacuum sucks up snow off of a mountain. It sucks up trees out of a forest.
  3589.  
  3590. INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
  3591.  
  3592. SKROOB, DARK HELMET, and COL SANDURZ
  3593.  
  3594. Suck. Suck. Suck.
  3595.  
  3596. PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM - DAY
  3597.  
  3598. ROLAND is looking at a picture of VESPA. He is having trouble breathing.
  3599.  
  3600. ROLAND
  3601.  
  3602. Goodbye, little VESPA. My little baby, VESPA. (faints)
  3603.  
  3604. INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
  3605.  
  3606. VESPA
  3607.  
  3608. The air bag, it's almost full.
  3609.  
  3610. LONE STAR
  3611.  
  3612. We've gotta act fast. Step 1, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back on the planet; step 2, we destroy that thing.
  3613.  
  3614. VESPA
  3615.  
  3616. But isn't that dangerous?
  3617.  
  3618. LONE STARR
  3619.  
  3620. Extremely, plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it.
  3621. BARF
  3622.  
  3623. What about that ring Yogurt gave you?
  3624.  
  3625. LONE STARR
  3626.  
  3627. Oh yeah.
  3628. LONE STARR pulls the Schwartz ring out of his pocket.
  3629.  
  3630. LONE STAR
  3631.  
  3632. But....
  3633.  
  3634. BARF
  3635.  
  3636. C'mon, boss, give it a shot.
  3637.  
  3638. LONE STARR
  3639.  
  3640. Okay. Here goes nothing.
  3641.  
  3642. LONE STARR
  3643.  
  3644. points the ring at the vacuum.
  3645.  
  3646. EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE The switch on the vacuum starts to glow and move towards the reverse part of the vacuum.
  3647.  
  3648. VESPA
  3649.  
  3650. (O.S.) Look at that. Wow.
  3651.  
  3652. BARF(O.S.) It....it's working.
  3653.  
  3654. VESPA
  3655.  
  3656. (O.S.) C'mon Schwartz.
  3657.  
  3658. VESPA
  3659.  
  3660. , BARF, &
  3661. DOT
  3662.  
  3663. (O.S.) C'mon Schwartz. C'mon Schwartz. C'mon Schwartz.
  3664.  
  3665. The switch flips over to the reverse part. The vacuum starts blowing air back on the planet.
  3666.  
  3667. INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
  3668.  
  3669. SKROOB
  3670.  
  3671. Helmet, what's going on?
  3672.  
  3673. DARK HELMET
  3674.  
  3675. (mask down) Sandurz, what's going on?
  3676.  
  3677. COL SANDURZ
  3678.  
  3679. It's Mega Maid. She gone from suck to blow.
  3680.  
  3681. DARK HELMET and
  3682. COL SANDURZ
  3683.  
  3684. react.
  3685.  
  3686. SKROOB
  3687.  
  3688. What? They're getting all their air back. (to Helmet) Do something. DARK HELMET (to Sandurz) Do something.
  3689.  
  3690. COL SANDURZ
  3691.  
  3692. (in microphone) Do something.
  3693.  
  3694. PLANET DRUIDIA - SURFACE - DAY The snow is dumped back on the mountain. The trees are planted back in the same spots.
  3695.  
  3696. INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM - DAY Air starts to come in. ROLAND wakes up.
  3697.  
  3698. ROLAND
  3699.  
  3700. I'm breathing. Air. Air!
  3701. EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE EAGLE 5 flies in the ear of the head.
  3702. INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
  3703. LONE STARR
  3704.  
  3705. Dim the lights.
  3706.  
  3707. BARF
  3708.  
  3709. Dimming the lights. (hits a switch)
  3710.  
  3711. The lights go out.
  3712. LONE STARR
  3713.  
  3714. Go to inferred.
  3715.  
  3716. BARF
  3717.  
  3718. Going to inferred. (turns a knob)
  3719.  
  3720. LONE STARR
  3721.  
  3722. Prey to God.
  3723.  
  3724. BARF
  3725.  
  3726. Preying to God.
  3727.  
  3728. The inferred light comes on. The television monitor shows a layout of the ear canal. It shows how the EAGLE 5 is maneuvering through the canal.
  3729. LONE STARR
  3730.  
  3731. turns on the scanning switch.
  3732.  
  3733. DOT
  3734.  
  3735. Careful. Careful.
  3736.  
  3737. BARF
  3738.  
  3739. What are you doin'?
  3740.  
  3741. LONE STAR
  3742.  
  3743. Scanning. There's gotta be a self- destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.
  3744.  
  3745. The scanner looks around the ship.
  3746. LONE STARR
  3747.  
  3748. I think we just found it.
  3749. VESPA
  3750.  
  3751. Where?
  3752.  
  3753. LONE STARR
  3754.  
  3755. Watch.
  3756.  
  3757. LONE STAR
  3758.  
  3759. hits a switch. The television monitor shows a a red flashing button.
  3760.  
  3761. LONE STARR
  3762.  
  3763. Bingo. There it is. It's right below us. Put her in hover, Barf.
  3764.  
  3765. BARF
  3766.  
  3767. Putting her hover.
  3768.  
  3769. LONE STARR
  3770.  
  3771. I'm goin' down there. (walks toward the door)
  3772.  
  3773. BARF
  3774.  
  3775. He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.
  3776.  
  3777. EXT. EAGLE - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
  3778. LONE STARR
  3779.  
  3780. walks down the ladder. He walks over to the emergency exit door. He opens the door and walks in. When the door closes the silent emergency alarm goes off.
  3781.  
  3782. INT. MEGA MAID - EXT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM - SPACE A GUARD is standing next to the door to the self destruct room.
  3783. LONE STARR
  3784.  
  3785. sneaks up on him and tries to knock him out with the Vulcan Neck Pinch. GUARD reacts.
  3786.  
  3787. GUARD (MILA) What the hell are you doin'?
  3788.  
  3789. LONE STARR
  3790.  
  3791. The Vulcan Neck Pinch.
  3792.  
  3793. GUARD (MILA) No, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
  3794. LONE STARR
  3795.  
  3796. changes his hand position.
  3797.  
  3798. LONE STARR
  3799.  
  3800. Like this?
  3801.  
  3802. GUARD (MILA) Yeah. (falls down unconscious)
  3803. LONE STARR
  3804.  
  3805. Thanks.
  3806. LONE STARR
  3807.  
  3808. takes the key card from the GUARD'S belt. He uses it in the panel to open the door. The panel opens up showing an outline of a hand.
  3809.  
  3810. PANEL'S VOICE Hand print identification, please. Hand print identification, please.
  3811.  
  3812. PANEL'S VOICE keeps repeating.
  3813. LONE STARR
  3814.  
  3815. takes the glove off the hand of the guard. He puts it in the outline. The voice stops. It scans the hand. A door opens next to the panel.
  3816.  
  3817. LONE STARR
  3818.  
  3819. Thanks again. (knocks on Guard's helmet)
  3820.  
  3821. LONE STARR
  3822.  
  3823. goes in the door.
  3824.  
  3825. INT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM - SPACE
  3826. LONE STARR
  3827.  
  3828. walks in. He notices green bars guarding the self- destruct button.
  3829.  
  3830. SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Is that you Mila?
  3831. LONE STARR
  3832.  
  3833. reacts. He points the Schwartz ring at a can of Spaceballs-the Shaving Cream. It starts to move towards him. The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD reacts. He turns around to
  3834. LONE STARR
  3835.  
  3836. who catches the can.
  3837.  
  3838. SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Who are you? What are you doing with that?
  3839.  
  3840. LONE STARR
  3841.  
  3842. This.
  3843.  
  3844. LONE STARR
  3845.  
  3846. sprays shaving cream in the eyes of the SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD. The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD screams and opens his mouth.
  3847. LONE STARR
  3848.  
  3849. sprays the cream down his mouth. The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD falls down unconscious.
  3850.  
  3851. LONE STAR
  3852.  
  3853. Sweet dreams.
  3854.  
  3855. LONE STARR
  3856.  
  3857. takes the card off the SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD'S belt. He inserts it into a panel and moves a switch to pull up the green bars. The green bars disappear.
  3858. LONE STARR
  3859.  
  3860. walks up to the self-destruct button. It says, "DO NOT PUSH UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY, MEAN IT."
  3861. LONE STARR
  3862.  
  3863. begins to press the button.
  3864.  
  3865. DARK HELMET
  3866.  
  3867. (mask down) Not so fast,
  3868. LONE STARR
  3869.  
  3870. . (walks in)
  3871.  
  3872. LONE STARR
  3873.  
  3874. Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (thinks about what he said) Yeah.
  3875.  
  3876. DARK HELMET
  3877.  
  3878. Before you die, there is something you should know about us,
  3879. LONE STARR
  3880.  
  3881. .
  3882.  
  3883. LONE STAR
  3884.  
  3885. What?
  3886.  
  3887. DARK HELMET
  3888.  
  3889. I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate.
  3890.  
  3891. LONE STARR
  3892.  
  3893. What's that make us?
  3894.  
  3895. DARK HELMET
  3896.  
  3897. Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.
  3898.  
  3899. DARK HELMET
  3900.  
  3901. puts his Schwartz ring on. He puts his hands next to his crouch. A green light beam similar to a light saber.
  3902. LONE STARR
  3903.  
  3904. does the same.
  3905.  
  3906. DARK HELMET
  3907.  
  3908. You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
  3909.  
  3910. Both look at their beams.
  3911.  
  3912. DARK HELMET
  3913.  
  3914. Now let's see how well you handle it.
  3915.  
  3916. DARK HELMET
  3917.  
  3918. walks over to
  3919. LONE STARR
  3920.  
  3921. and starts to fight with him. They swipe at each other with their beams.
  3922. DARK HELMET
  3923.  
  3924. pulls back a little too far and knocks off the sound manager from the stage crew. He screams and falls off a ledge.
  3925. LONE STARR
  3926.  
  3927. and DARK HELMET stop fighting.
  3928.  
  3929. DARK HELMET
  3930.  
  3931. Ummm, he did it.
  3932.  
  3933. LONE STARR
  3934.  
  3935. What?
  3936.  
  3937. LONE STAR
  3938.  
  3939. swipes at DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET blocks it. They start fighting again. They swipe at each other until their beams become twisted.
  3940.  
  3941. DARK HELMET
  3942.  
  3943. Shit. I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted. Okay, maybe if my put leg up on yours we can split apart.
  3944.  
  3945. DARK HELMET
  3946.  
  3947. puts his foot on
  3948. LONE STARR
  3949.  
  3950. 'S leg.
  3951.  
  3952. DARK HELMET
  3953.  
  3954. Good, yeah. On three; one, two, three, go.
  3955.  
  3956. DARK HELMET
  3957.  
  3958. and
  3959. LONE STARR
  3960.  
  3961. pull away from each other. Their beams disappear. DARK HELMET looks up and recreates his beam. He points it at
  3962. LONE STARR
  3963.  
  3964. .
  3965. LONE STARR
  3966.  
  3967. does the same and points his at DARK HELMET. They move in closer. Their beams touch ends. They are trying to cause the other to lose their beam. DARK HELMET loses his beam.
  3968. LONE STARR
  3969.  
  3970. swipes at DARK HELMET'S helmet. It doesn't make a mark. He tries again, same. He tries again, same. DARK HELMET lifts his mask up and laughs at him. LONE STARR'S beam disappears. He punches DARK HELMET'S face. DARK HELMET'S mask falls down. He recreates his beam and charges at
  3971. LONE STARR
  3972.  
  3973. .
  3974. LONE STARR
  3975.  
  3976. holds him back with his hand. DARK HELMET swipes at him several times.
  3977. LONE STARR
  3978.  
  3979. lets go of DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET runs into a locker with his helmet.
  3980.  
  3981. DARK HELMET
  3982.  
  3983. So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well. If there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must than I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there. (offers to shake his hand)
  3984.  
  3985. LONE STARR
  3986.  
  3987. goes to shake his hand. DARK HELMET takes the ring off
  3988. LONE STARR
  3989.  
  3990. 'S hand.
  3991.  
  3992. DARK HELMET
  3993.  
  3994. The ring. I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. What a goof. What's with you man? Come on. You know what? No, here let me give it back to you. (offers the ring back)
  3995.  
  3996. LONE STARR
  3997.  
  3998. goes up to get the ring back. DARK HELMET throws it in a grate. The ring goes in the grate.
  3999. LONE STARR
  4000.  
  4001. tries to catch it and falls to the grate.
  4002.  
  4003. DARK HELMET
  4004.  
  4005. Oh, look. You fell for that, too. I can't believe it man.
  4006.  
  4007. LONE STARR
  4008.  
  4009. gets up and runs to a corner.
  4010.  
  4011. DARK HELMET
  4012.  
  4013. So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
  4014.  
  4015. DARK HELMET
  4016.  
  4017. fires a green beam at
  4018. LONE STARR
  4019.  
  4020. .
  4021. LONE STARR
  4022.  
  4023. dodges. DARK HELMET tries again.
  4024. LONE STARR
  4025.  
  4026. dodges. DARK HELMET tries again.
  4027. LONE STARR
  4028.  
  4029. dodges.
  4030. LONE STARR
  4031.  
  4032. backs into another corner.
  4033.  
  4034. DARK HELMET
  4035.  
  4036. Very impressive,
  4037. LONE STARR
  4038.  
  4039. . Too bad this isn't the Wide World of Sports.
  4040.  
  4041. YOGURT'S VOICE Use the Schwartz,
  4042. LONE STARR
  4043.  
  4044. . Use the Schwartz.
  4045.  
  4046. LONE STARR
  4047.  
  4048. I can't. I lost the ring.
  4049.  
  4050. YOGURT'S VOICE(O.S.) Forget the ring. The ring is pumpkin. I found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in you,
  4051. LONE STARR
  4052.  
  4053. . It's in you.
  4054.  
  4055. LONE STARR
  4056.  
  4057. All right. I'll try.
  4058.  
  4059. DARK HELMET
  4060.  
  4061. Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
  4062.  
  4063. LONE STAR
  4064.  
  4065. points his fist at a mirror on a shelf. It starts to move towards him. DARK HELMET fires another green beam at his crouch.
  4066. LONE STARR
  4067.  
  4068. catches the mirror, and cover his crotch. The beam reflects off the mirror to DARK HELMET. It hits DARK HELMET'S crotch. DARK HELMET falls back into the self-destruct button and activates it.
  4069.  
  4070. SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.
  4071.  
  4072. LONE STARR
  4073.  
  4074. runs out of the room.
  4075.  
  4076. INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE An alarm starts going off. Red lights start flashing. SKROOB and
  4077. COL SANDURZ
  4078.  
  4079. react.
  4080.  
  4081. SKROOB
  4082.  
  4083. What's going on? Where the hell are we, Paris?
  4084.  
  4085. SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
  4086.  
  4087. SKROOB
  4088.  
  4089. You've got to stop it. Is there any to stop it?
  4090.  
  4091. COL SANDURZ
  4092.  
  4093. I can't. It's irreversible.
  4094.  
  4095. SKROOB
  4096.  
  4097. Like my raincoat.
  4098.  
  4099. COL SANDURZ
  4100.  
  4101. (in microphone) Attention. This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command. Abandon ship. Abandon ship.
  4102.  
  4103. Everyone on the ship starts to panic and run like crazy.
  4104.  
  4105. COL SANDURZ
  4106.  
  4107. (in microphone) All personnel, proceed to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. Self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.
  4108.  
  4109. SKROOB
  4110.  
  4111. Sandurz, Sandurz, you've got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm the president.
  4112.  
  4113. SHIP'S VOICE This is your two minute warning. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.
  4114.  
  4115. COL SANDURZ
  4116.  
  4117. Launch all escape pods as soon as they are filled.
  4118.  
  4119. INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
  4120.  
  4121. VESPA
  4122.  
  4123. What's happening? Where is he? Where is he?
  4124.  
  4125. LONE STARR
  4126.  
  4127. (walks in) Here. We've got a minute and forty before the end of the world. Hang on.
  4128.  
  4129. EXT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE Two troopers come out of the emergency door with guns. They get under the EAGLE 5 and start firing at the floor.
  4130.  
  4131. INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
  4132.  
  4133. LONE STARR
  4134.  
  4135. Full throttle.
  4136.  
  4137. BARF
  4138.  
  4139. Full throttle. (pulls on throttle)
  4140.  
  4141. LONE STARR
  4142.  
  4143. Go to hyperjets.
  4144.  
  4145. BARF
  4146.  
  4147. Going to hyperjets. (pulls on hyper-lever)
  4148.  
  4149. EAGLE 5 takes off. Everyone inside is pushed back with the sudden burst of speed.
  4150.  
  4151. INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
  4152. COL SANDURZ
  4153.  
  4154. climbs the ladder and looks in the first escape pod. He moves on to the next one. SKROOB follows him. He looks in the first pod.
  4155.  
  4156. SKROOB
  4157.  
  4158. Hey, get outta there. Where do you think you're going?
  4159.  
  4160. PIZZA GUY Pizza to go. (laughs)
  4161.  
  4162. The PIZZA GUY pulls on a lever. The door closes from the top. The pod takes off. DARK HELMET walks up a ladder to his pod. A bearded woman is getting into it.
  4163.  
  4164. DARK HELMET
  4165.  
  4166. Hey, hey, that's my escape pod. Who are you?
  4167.  
  4168. BEARDED LADY I'm the bearded lady. What are you? One of the freaks?
  4169.  
  4170. The BEARDED LADY knees DARK HELMET in the crouch. She laughs. She gets in the pod and takes off. DARK HELMET looks in the window of the door.
  4171.  
  4172. DARK HELMET
  4173.  
  4174. No. Come back you fat, bearded, bitch.
  4175.  
  4176. SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET don't notice a bear getting in the last pod.
  4177.  
  4178. SKROOB
  4179.  
  4180. One pod left, and three of us, and I'm the president. Well boys it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it. Good-bye.
  4181.  
  4182. SKROOB gets in the pod. He sits on the bear. He tries to buckle the arms of the bear like there are a seat belt. He looks at the bear and reacts. The bear chases him out of the pod. The bear closes the door and waves at SKROOB. The pod takes off.
  4183.  
  4184. SHIP'S VOICE This ship will self destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
  4185.  
  4186. SKROOB
  4187.  
  4188. Cancellation button? Hurry.
  4189.  
  4190. They all slide down a ladder. They run to the center of the ship.
  4191.  
  4192. DARK HELMET
  4193.  
  4194. Where is it? Where is it.
  4195. COL SANDURZ
  4196.  
  4197. It's gotta be here.
  4198.  
  4199. COL SANDURZ
  4200.  
  4201. opens a panel to the self-destruct cancellation button. It has a sign on that says, "OUT OF ORDER."
  4202.  
  4203. COL SANDURZ
  4204.  
  4205. Out of order?
  4206.  
  4207. DARK HELMET
  4208.  
  4209. Fuck. Even in the future nothing works.
  4210.  
  4211. SHIP'S VOICE
  4212.  
  4213. This ship will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds.
  4214.  
  4215. SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET react. They scrunch up together.
  4216.  
  4217. SHIP'S VOICE
  4218.  
  4219. Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six....
  4220.  
  4221. SKROOB
  4222.  
  4223. Six? What happened to seven?
  4224. SHIP'S VOICE
  4225.  
  4226. Just kidding.
  4227. SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET react.
  4228.  
  4229. INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE They are driving close to the end of the canal.
  4230.  
  4231. VESPA
  4232.  
  4233. There's the other end. Faster.
  4234.  
  4235. SHIP'S VOICE Seven, six, five....
  4236.  
  4237. INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
  4238.  
  4239. SHIP'S VOICE ....four, three, two, one. Have a nice day.
  4240.  
  4241. SKROOB, DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ
  4242.  
  4243. Thank you.
  4244.  
  4245. EXT. MEGA MAID - SPACE The EAGLE 5 comes out of the opposite ear, and it starts to fly away. MEGA MAID explodes. The EAGLE 5 just makes it out of the explosion.
  4246.  
  4247. VESPA
  4248.  
  4249. (O.S.) We did it!
  4250.  
  4251. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
  4252. VESPA hugs BARF. DOT is dancing. LONE STARR is cheering. VESPA turns to hug LONE STARR They start to kiss, but they stop.
  4253.  
  4254. LONE STARR
  4255.  
  4256. We all did it.
  4257.  
  4258. PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. EAGLE 5 - MORNING
  4259.  
  4260. LONE STARR and BARF are watching the news.
  4261.  
  4262. NEWS MAN
  4263.  
  4264. ....so I guess you might call that a case of man bites druid. (laughs) On a sadder note, Pizza the Hut (famed half-man, half-pizza) was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car, and ate himself to death. Coming up, Pongo's review of Rocky five....thousand. Pongo.
  4265.  
  4266. BARF
  4267.  
  4268. laughs and turns off the television.
  4269.  
  4270. BARF
  4271.  
  4272. Did you here that? Pizza kicked the bucket. Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves.
  4273.  
  4274. LONE STAR
  4275.  
  4276. Yeah.
  4277.  
  4278. EXT. PALACE - DAY EAGLE 5 flies in and circles around the palace then lands on the ground.
  4279.  
  4280. INT. PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY
  4281.  
  4282. The DOOR MAN opens the door to let VESPA, LONE STARR, BARF, and DOT in. VESPA runs to ROLAND.
  4283.  
  4284. VESPA
  4285.  
  4286. Daddy. (runs to hug Roland) Oh, daddy.
  4287.  
  4288. ROLAND
  4289.  
  4290. VESPA, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that home and safe. And little VESPA, here's someone else who's happy to see you.
  4291.  
  4292. ROLAND reveals VALIUM asleep in a chair. A man who was talking to ROLAND hits VALIUM. VALIUM wakes up.
  4293.  
  4294. VALIUM
  4295.  
  4296. Oh, hello. (yawns) Where've you been?
  4297.  
  4298. EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 is flying into space away from the camera.
  4299.  
  4300. EXT. DINER - SPACE EAGLE has landed on the platform.
  4301.  
  4302. INT. DINER - SPACE A waitress is talking to the cashier. The cashier gives her something.
  4303.  
  4304. WAITRESS
  4305.  
  4306. Thanks, hon.
  4307.  
  4308. LONE STARR and BARF walk in. They sit at the bar. The WAITRESS walks towards them. She gives them water.
  4309.  
  4310. WAITRESS
  4311.  
  4312. (to Barf) Hi, big stuff. (to LONE STARR Hi, dream. (to both) What'll you have?
  4313.  
  4314. LONE STARR
  4315.  
  4316. We've just got a few minutes while were gasin' up. What's ready?
  4317.  
  4318. WAITRESS
  4319.  
  4320. I can give the Space Soup or the Space Special.
  4321.  
  4322. LONE STARR
  4323.  
  4324. Ummmmm, I'll have the soup.
  4325.  
  4326. WAITRESS
  4327.  
  4328. Okay. (writes the order)
  4329.  
  4330. BARF
  4331.  
  4332. I'll have the cleavage, ur, the special.
  4333.  
  4334. WAITRESS
  4335.  
  4336. Okay, I have one special and one soup.
  4337.  
  4338. The WAITRESS comes up behind them to a table. BARF'S TAIL is wagging and is going up the waitress's mini-skirt.
  4339.  
  4340. WAITRESS
  4341.  
  4342. You ready to order?
  4343.  
  4344. CUSTOMER
  4345.  
  4346. Hi, yes. We'll both have the luna fish.
  4347.  
  4348. WAITRESS
  4349.  
  4350. Okay, anything to drink? (turns around) Hey, hey, watch you're stickin' that thing.
  4351.  
  4352. BARF
  4353.  
  4354. (turns around) Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of it's own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it. (laughs)
  4355.  
  4356. The WAITRESS walks away to another table. BARF howls like a dog. LONE STARR hits him.
  4357.  
  4358. BARF
  4359.  
  4360. What?
  4361.  
  4362. Some people are sitting at the other end of the bar. One of them is telling a story. One of them (JOHN HURT) is eating.
  4363.  
  4364. GUY AT BAR
  4365.  
  4366. We were lost. None of us knew where we were. And then Harry began feelin' around on all the trees. And then he says, "I got it: we're on Pluto. And we said, "Harry how can you tell?" He said, "From the bark you dummies. (laughs) From the bark. (laughs)
  4367.  
  4368. JOHN HURT starts to act like he's choking on his food. Then he grabs his stomach like he has indigestion.
  4369.  
  4370. WOMAN AT BAR
  4371.  
  4372. Is he all right?
  4373.  
  4374. GUY AT BAR
  4375.  
  4376. Yeah, this guy digs me.
  4377.  
  4378. JOHN HURT spits out some of his food. They lie him down on the bar. LONE STARR and BARF look and react.
  4379.  
  4380. WOMAN AT BAR
  4381.  
  4382. Bring some water.
  4383.  
  4384. GUY AT BAR
  4385.  
  4386. Water my ass. Bring this guy some Pempto Bismal.
  4387.  
  4388. BARF
  4389.  
  4390. Waitress! Waitress, what did order?
  4391.  
  4392. The WAITRESS comes over to BARF. She looks over to JOHN HURT.
  4393.  
  4394. WAITRESS
  4395.  
  4396. Oh, he had the special.
  4397. BARF
  4398.  
  4399. The spec.... That's what I ordered. Change my order to the soup.
  4400.  
  4401. LONE STARR
  4402.  
  4403. Good move.
  4404.  
  4405. Something is trying to push out of JOHN HURT'S stomach. It eventually comes out. A little alien comes out of his stomach. It growls. JOHN HURT looks at it.
  4406.  
  4407. JOHN HURT
  4408.  
  4409. Oh, no. Not again.
  4410.  
  4411. The ALIEN jumps out of his stomach on to Spaceballs-the Placemat. Some people scream. The ALIEN growls again. Then, it puts on a little hat and starts to dance down the bar.
  4412.  
  4413. ALIEN
  4414.  
  4415. Hello, my baby. Hello my honey. Hello my rag-time gal. Send me a kiss by wire. Baby my heart's on fire.
  4416. The ALIEN dances past LONE STARR and BARF. LONE STARR and BARF react.
  4417. ALIEN
  4418.  
  4419. The ALIEN goes through doors in the wall. The doors close behind him.
  4420.  
  4421. LONE STARR and BARF stand up.
  4422.  
  4423. LONE STARR and BARF
  4424.  
  4425. Check please.
  4426.  
  4427. EXT. CHAPLE - DAY The sign outside says, "TODAY, THE ROYAL WEDDING OF PRINCESS VESPA TO PRINCE VALIUM, TAKE TWO."
  4428.  
  4429. INT. CHAPLE - DAY ROLAND and VESPA are standing next to each other. DOT is behind VESPA. The USHER walks in.
  4430.  
  4431. USHER
  4432.  
  4433. Five minutes to magic time.
  4434.  
  4435. ROLAND
  4436.  
  4437. Are you all right, my dear. You look a little flighty.
  4438.  
  4439. VESPA
  4440.  
  4441. Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him. Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million spacebucks and ran.
  4442.  
  4443. ROLAND
  4444.  
  4445. He didn't take the million.
  4446.  
  4447. VESPA
  4448.  
  4449. He didn't?
  4450.  
  4451. ROLAND
  4452.  
  4453. No. He just took two hundred and forty-eight spacebucks for lunch, gas, and tolls.
  4454.  
  4455. INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
  4456.  
  4457. BARF
  4458.  
  4459. I still can't believe you turned down the money. At least we could've stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starvin'. Have you got anything to eat.
  4460.  
  4461. LONE STARR
  4462.  
  4463. Na. Oh, wait. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. (gets the cookie out of his pocket) Here, chow down. (hands it to Barf)
  4464.  
  4465. BARF
  4466.  
  4467. (takes it) Wow, thanks. I'll split it with ya.
  4468.  
  4469. LONE STARR
  4470.  
  4471. No.
  4472.  
  4473. BARF
  4474.  
  4475. Okay.
  4476.  
  4477. BARF opens the cookie. A stream of gold glitter comes out of the cookie and flies over the doorway. LONE STARR and BARF react. The stream stops at the doorway. It turns into YOGURT. He has gold glittery streams coming out of him.
  4478.  
  4479. LONE STARR and BARF
  4480.  
  4481. Yogurt.
  4482.  
  4483. YOGURT
  4484.  
  4485. Hello, boys. Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means?
  4486.  
  4487. LONE STARR takes the medallion out of his shirt.
  4488.  
  4489. YOGURT
  4490.  
  4491. Well, here's what it means: it's a royal birth certificate. Yes. Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.
  4492.  
  4493. LONE STARR
  4494.  
  4495. Hey, I'm a prince. I'm a prince. Which means....
  4496.  
  4497. YOGURT
  4498.  
  4499. Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now, if you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's and special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.
  4500.  
  4501. BARF
  4502.  
  4503. Bye, Yogurt.
  4504.  
  4505. LONE STAR
  4506.  
  4507. And, Yogurt, thanks.
  4508.  
  4509. YOGURT
  4510.  
  4511. You're welcome. And my the Schwartz be with you..... (starts to fade away) .....oh...oh....what a world, what a world. (completely fades out)
  4512.  
  4513. LONE STARR
  4514.  
  4515. Barf, open that glove compartment.
  4516.  
  4517. BARF
  4518.  
  4519. You got it, your highness.
  4520.  
  4521. BARF opens the glove compartment and pulls out a can of Liquid Schwartz.
  4522.  
  4523. BARF
  4524.  
  4525. Wow, Liquid Schwartz.
  4526.  
  4527. LONE STARR
  4528.  
  4529. Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.
  4530.  
  4531. BARF
  4532.  
  4533. Right.
  4534.  
  4535. BARF
  4536.  
  4537. opens the emergency tank lid in the floor. He pours the Liquid Schwartz in the tank. As he pours, the tank starts to glow yellow.
  4538.  
  4539. LONE STARR
  4540.  
  4541. Look at that.
  4542.  
  4543. BARF
  4544.  
  4545. Done.
  4546.  
  4547. BARF
  4548.  
  4549. closes the lid and sits up.
  4550.  
  4551. LONE STARR
  4552.  
  4553. Hang on, Barfo, we're gonna make space-tracks. (turns the wheel shapely)
  4554.  
  4555. EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE turns around sharply and leaves space-tracks where it turned.
  4556.  
  4557. EXT. MEGA MAID'S HEAD - ORBIT OF PLANET OF THE APES - SPACE The head falls toward the planet. SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET are screaming.
  4558.  
  4559. PLANET OF THE APES - BEACH - DAY The head falls toward the beach and crashes on the sand. Two apes riding horses ride towards the head. They stop when they see something moving.
  4560.  
  4561. 1ST APE
  4562.  
  4563. Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?
  4564.  
  4565. The 2ND APE looks through binoculars. He sees COL SANDURZ on the ground, DARK HELMET is climbing down a rope, followed by SKROOB. SKROOB steps on DARK HELMET'S helmet.
  4566.  
  4567. DARK HELMET
  4568.  
  4569. (mask up) Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
  4570.  
  4571. The 2ND APE stops looking in the binoculars.
  4572.  
  4573. 2ND APE
  4574.  
  4575. Spaceballs?
  4576.  
  4577. 1ST APE
  4578.  
  4579. Oh shit, there goes the planet.
  4580.  
  4581. INT. CHAPLE - ALTAR - DAY
  4582.  
  4583. The MINISTER is conducting the wedding ceremony.
  4584.  
  4585. MINISTER
  4586.  
  4587. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together (pause) again....
  4588.  
  4589. VESPA
  4590.  
  4591. (to Roland) Why didn't you tell he didn't take the money?
  4592.  
  4593. ROLAND
  4594.  
  4595. I didn't think it was important.
  4596.  
  4597. MINISTER
  4598.  
  4599. May I continue, please?
  4600.  
  4601. ROLAND
  4602.  
  4603. Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
  4604.  
  4605. MINISTER
  4606.  
  4607. Thank you. ....to join Princess VESPA and Princess Valium. I'm sorry, it's the hair. Prince Valium in the bonds of holy matrimony.
  4608.  
  4609. VESPA
  4610.  
  4611. I see it all now. Don't you see he loves me?
  4612.  
  4613. MINISTER
  4614.  
  4615. Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.
  4616.  
  4617. VESPA
  4618.  
  4619. I'm sorry.
  4620.  
  4621. ROLAND
  4622.  
  4623. I'm sorry.
  4624.  
  4625. VALIUM
  4626.  
  4627. I'm sorry, too.
  4628.  
  4629. MINISTER
  4630.  
  4631. Don't be sorry, be quiet.
  4632.  
  4633. VESPA, ROLAND, VALIUM
  4634.  
  4635. I'm sorry.
  4636.  
  4637. MINISTER
  4638.  
  4639. ....to join Princess VESPA and Prince Valium in the bonds of holy....
  4640.  
  4641. EAGLE 5 flies over.
  4642.  
  4643. MINISTER
  4644.  
  4645. ....moly.
  4646.  
  4647. AUDIENCE reacts.
  4648.  
  4649. MINISTER
  4650.  
  4651. Matrimony.
  4652.  
  4653. VESPA
  4654.  
  4655. That's him. I know it's him. He's come back.
  4656.  
  4657. MINISTER
  4658.  
  4659. That's it. We're gonna take no more chances and to do it with the short version. (faster) Do you Prince Valium take Princess VESPA to be your lawfully wedded wife.
  4660.  
  4661. VALIUM
  4662.  
  4663. (yawns) Uh-huh.
  4664.  
  4665. MINISTER
  4666.  
  4667. (fast) Princess VESPA, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband.
  4668.  
  4669. VESPA
  4670.  
  4671. Uh....well....I suppose. Oh, I don't know.
  4672.  
  4673. LONE STARR and BARF the doorway behind everybody.
  4674.  
  4675. LONE STARR
  4676.  
  4677. No, she doesn't
  4678.  
  4679. MINISTER
  4680.  
  4681. What?
  4682.  
  4683. ALL react.
  4684.  
  4685. LONE STARR and BARF walk down the aisle. He stops half way.
  4686.  
  4687. MINISTER
  4688.  
  4689. Who the hell are you?
  4690.  
  4691. LONE STARR
  4692.  
  4693. Prince LONE STARR.
  4694.  
  4695. VESPA
  4696.  
  4697. Prince?
  4698.  
  4699. LONE STARR
  4700.  
  4701. I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest to God prince. Will you marry me?
  4702.  
  4703. VESPA
  4704.  
  4705. Well, let me think about it. (pushes Valium) Yes.
  4706.  
  4707. LONE STARR
  4708.  
  4709. walks onto the altar.
  4710.  
  4711. MINISTER
  4712.  
  4713. I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today. (to Barf) Who are you?
  4714.  
  4715. BARF
  4716.  
  4717. I'm the best man.
  4718.  
  4719. MINISTER
  4720.  
  4721. What's you name?
  4722.  
  4723. BARF
  4724.  
  4725. Barf.
  4726.  
  4727. MINISTER
  4728.  
  4729. Your full-name.
  4730.  
  4731. BARF
  4732.  
  4733. Barfolomew.
  4734.  
  4735. MINISTER
  4736.  
  4737. Are you the one getting married?
  4738.  
  4739. BARF
  4740.  
  4741. No.
  4742.  
  4743. MINISTER
  4744.  
  4745. Then get over there.
  4746.  
  4747. BARF reacts and moves to the left of the altar.
  4748.  
  4749. MINISTER
  4750.  
  4751. Okay. Here we go, the short-short version. (to LONE STARR} Do you?
  4752.  
  4753. LONE STARR
  4754.  
  4755. Yes.
  4756.  
  4757. MINISTER
  4758.  
  4759. Do you?
  4760.  
  4761. VESPA
  4762.  
  4763. Yes.
  4764.  
  4765. MINISTER
  4766.  
  4767. Good. You're married. Kiss her.
  4768.  
  4769. LONE STARR
  4770.  
  4771. I love you.
  4772.  
  4773. VESPA
  4774.  
  4775. I love you.
  4776.  
  4777. LONE STARR and VESPA kiss. AUDIENCE applaud. BARF starts to cry.
  4778.  
  4779. DOT
  4780.  
  4781. Well, (sniff) good-bye Virgin Alarm.
  4782.  
  4783. EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 takes off into space. It has, "JUST MARRIED" written on the back. The jets are leaving a stream of gold glitter behind. They form the words, "MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOU."
  4784.  
  4785. ROLL MAIN CAST and CREDITS.
  4786.  
  4787. THE END
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