I wasn't a bright child in the slightest. I have aspergers, but apparently got none of the intelligence that comes with it; my IQ is bottom 15-25th percentile. I barely talked to anyone because words didn't make sense, I couldn't read until I was like 6 and so on. I'm still not very bright now. Sure I know a lot of useless information, but I had to do a lot to get there. I worked 12+ hours a day for like 3 weeks to make sure I passed year 2 chemistry, so that should give you all the evidence you need to know I'm not very bright.

My parents argued about how I should be treated; how hard they'd push me to work, if they should be honest about how dumb I was, how much money they should spend on helping me because my mom thought it would be a waste. My mom wanted a divorce but my dad said no for religious reasons. My mother tried to set up an anullment but that didn't turn out well either. She would leave the house for days sometimes with her friends. They were never openly hostile with each other because they didn't wanna upset me but it was still rough.

I was so mad at everyone back then. I hated my parents, I hated my teachers for ignoring my problems (I had a really bad school back then), and I hated the kids who picked on me for being dumb and quiet. I was told I should be proud of who I am, proud of my autism and problems because that's part of my identity of some shit. Hell no. I'm not gonna be proud of something that makes me objectively worse than other people. If people were computers, my aspergers would make me a computer with identical parts, but with worse ram, ssd, and a shitty motherboard. Basically, I was equal to or worse than the ever age person at any given task, and hence and less useful.

I decided I was gonna improve on everything socially and academically until I left them on the dust. I don't wanna be associated with autism and all that stuff that makes people pity you. From  then on (I decided on this in like 6th grade or something) that that's what I'd do.

Worked my ass off until I got on all the advanced classes in middle school, and I thought I already won that part of the battle. Still, I was a train wreck socially. The one girl I still talk to irl had a crush on me in  middle school and I was too fucking stupid to notice. Oh well.

High school destroyed me. The classes got extra hard, and I felt more socially distant from others than ever before. I got depressed as shit and started cutting from 9th to late 10th grade. I didn't do it because it felt good but because of how frustrated I was at being bad at everything. I punished myself and would continue to do so until I got better at life. I stopped playing video games, starved myself half to death, and slept for like 3 hours a day. I started getting panic attacks. I tried killing myself in 10th grade but failed because I wasn't serious about it. A few days later, Sandy hook happened. For those who aren't in the US it was a really bad school shooting. Everyone was so nice to me and I was never angrier in my whole life. All the people who were shitty to me started to be nice (which only lasted a week or so) because they thought I was so messed up in the head that I wanted to kill everyone (either that or the were subconsciously trying to validate themselves as a nice person; both options are equally disgusting). It made me realize people saw me very lowly, and probably was responsible for my self esteem issues now. The harassment I got I'm high school was ridiculous. I've been beat up, told to kill myself, stabbed with needles with drugs in them, you name it. Honestly that part was never too bad. My pain threshold is good so fuck it.

Shit starts getting crazy the year after. Despite being dumb as a sack of bricks, I worked hard enough to be in mostly honors classes. The work gets super crazy hard, college becomes important, and everything was going to shit. I had a guidance appointment and I was asked if I had depression. I said I had symptoms but I don't consider myself to have it (even though I do actually bit I didn't wanna make a scene). They ask for details and I basically say everything I wrote. They decide it's in their best interest to make a big scene out of things and rush me down  to a hospital. Somehow they interpreted what I said as me wanting to kill myself (maybe I said that and don't remember but whatever). They call my father and tell him what happened, and he nearly dies. he was driving when he got the call, and the panic attack he got almost made him crash into a tree or something.

My dad never really recovered from that day. He has constant anxiety issues now, and feels responsible for my problems.  He goes very hard out of his way to be nice to me. He sued the shit out of my school and works tirelessly to make sure I'm okay.

I tried to kill myself a second time, but I was serious that time. I took like two full containers of Tylenol or some other pill but that didn't work either. My heart rate got super high and I was tripping balls for almost two days but I tried not to make a scene out of it. No one seems to have known about it, or at the very least no one has mentioned it (the second one is more likely). The only real reason I haven't done anything since is because I feel like I'm still useful. I generally care about myself so little that I care for others immensely. Lots of people think I'm like the nicest guy around and it's also probably the reason  I found cherubi in the first place. Senior year rolls around and I find another small reason to keep going.

Remember that girl I mentioned earlier who had a crush on me? She hooked up with someone else a year later and things got ugly. He wanted to get married with her after high school, he wanted to have sex with her, and became increasingly dominant and abusive. He beat her, talked down to her, stalked her, put alcohol in her drinks to try to coerce her into having sex. She found out that he was gay and was doing this the whole time to make his parents happy and maybe to try to turn himself straight or something. She broke up with him, he threatened to kill her, he got expelled from school.

I talked with her for a while and her emotional health got better. Maybe it's because I have anxiety, but I made sure that I wouldn't try to hook up with her. There were a lot of reasons I chose to do that but I won't get into it. We went to prom and we became good friends. A while later and I start getting feeling for her. Note that they aren't sexual (I'm like 90 percent asexual). I just wanna spend time with her more and make her happy and be a bigger part of her life. She's shows pretty much zero interest in that happening which is fine by me. She's said that her past relationship has scared her away from  the possibility of being in a relationship for a long time.

Pretty much nothing  interesting has happened since then. I'm still depressed as fuck generally, have awful self esteem, talk to very few people, and do my best to be nice, all while working my ass off on school. At least I come across as smart and nice so it's a step up from being a total waste of space like I used to be.

You don't have to worry about me. I don't need Internet hugs or anything. I'm not at risk of killing thyself as long as there are people who'd miss me anyways. Plus I'm good at stuff now so something could turn up in the future.