Short One Shots

"Baby you know I love you."
>"Yeah, but-"
"So you don't have to do this!"
>"But I read it in the magazine! Males aren't really satisfied in a relationship until they've had sex! Especially oral!"
"Babe that's really not true, I'm perfectly happy just-"
>"Oh please Nonny? I really want to do this for you!"
>Honestly you find the idea of boneing bone waifu really hot.
>But you know it wouldn't be pleasant because she's literally a skelton.
>...
>Fuck it, if you could fuck that tree you can sure as hell fuck this.
"Alright fine. We're gonna need a lot of lube though."
>"Yay! I'll go get the lingerie!"

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"Thread, are you doing ok there? You don't look so good!"
>"I-I'm dying Anon."
"What do you mean your dying? How did this happen!"
>"I'm nearing the bump limit Anon. My time draws short."
"No! You can't die! Who will give me green? Who will give me new fetishes? Who will-"
>"Shhh, it's Ok Anon, for I will be born anew."
"H-huh? What do you mean?"
>"Once I die, a new thread will arise, and sustain your need for strange waifus."
"B-But it won't be you?"
>"No Anon, it won't be me, but I will always live on in your heart, and in your dick."
"M-Muh dick?"
>"Yes, Anon. Your dick."
"Thread I don't want you to go though! I don't want a new thread, I want you!"
>"I'm sorry Anon, but that's just the way things have to be."
"... how long do yo have?"
>"A few hours at the very least. At best, maybe another day."
"I'm sad Thread. Can you hold me until the time comes?"
>"Of course Anon, I'll be with you the whole time."
"Thanks Thread."
>"Anything Anon. Anything for you."
-------------------------------

>"Hey Anon! You weren't answering the door so I let myself in!"
>Huh?
>"Jeez Anon do you always make your place so dark?"
>God, pls no.
>"Anon where are you?"
"Blegh, go home!"
>"Anon I haven't seen you in a month! You can't just hole up in your home and ignore me!"
>Fuck her that's exactly what you were gonna do.
>"Oh here you are- HOLY CRAP ANON! What's wrong with you?"
"*cough* A fine how do you do to you as-"
>A coughing fit interrupts your sentence.
>You don't know what it was but you've been feeling like total shit the past month.
>You hate most things about pony land anyway so you decided to just stay home and hope it kills you.
>And then this fucker comes along.
>"Anon we need to get you to the hospital you don't look good!"
"Fek off, leave me alone."
>"Anon!"
>You muster up the little energy you have lift and turn your back to the tall waifu.
"Jus' lemme rip in pieces in peace."
>"No!"
>Blurrrrgh
>You don't know if you can continue the conversation much longer, your throat is way too scratchy.
>... The fuck is prodding your back?
>You can't see, but something is lifting you up from your back.
>In one sudden heave you're sent tumbling down 'something' but you come to a stop.
>You think you may have cracked a rib rolling down.
>You feel wind moving over you and caressing your greasy hair.
>You can also feel movement.
>You're being moved.
>You crack open an eye to see bright yellow, and it ain't the sun.
>You've come to rest on Giraffe's sweet glorious ass.
>Even in this weakened state you still manage to pop a boner.
"Th' fuck are you doin'?"
>Giraffe looks back at you as she continues to walk.
>"Getting you to a doctor! I'm not letting you die on me you faggot!"
"Pfft, if I was a faggot I wouldn't be wanting a piece of this!"
>You grope her ass with your body as best as possible.
>Giraffe blushes, frowns and looks away.
>Fuck this bitch, you'll die if you want to, and on your own terms...
>Maybe just not now.

-------------------------------

>WAIFU Trainer Fins challenges WAIFU Trainer CarnivalAnon to a battle!
>WAIFU Trainer Fins sends out Tidal!
>WAIFU Trainer CarnivalAnon sends out ThrillSeeker!
>Fins uses Play Rough!
>But ThrillSeeker is all about playing!
>It's not very effective...
>ThrillSeeker uses Are You Hungry?
>ThrillSeeker cooks up a delicious meal for Tidal!
>But Tidal overeats...
>Tidal's speed is harshly lowered!
>Tidal's special defense is lowered!
>Tidal uses Surf!
>Oh no! ThrillSeeker can't swim well at all, and is even worse at Surfing!
>It's Super Effective!
>ThrillSeeker uses Haunted Mansion!
>Tidal doesn't handle the jumpscares well...
>Tidal's attack is lowered!
>Tidal's special defense is harshly lowered!
>Tidal uses Baton Pass to Swirl!
>Oh no! Swirl doesn't catch the baton!
>Tidal stays in the fight...
>ThrillSeeker uses Terrible Accident!
>While Tidal is riding a roller coaster, it goes off track and Tidal is beheaded by a steel beam! You all know why that steel beam isn't melted
>Tidal is unable to battle!
>WAIFU Trainer Fins sends out Swirl!
>ThrillSeeker is unable to live with herself after causing such an atrocity!
>ThrillSeeker uses Honorable Sudoku!
>Oh no! ThrillSeeker's suicide has caused an explosion!
>ThrillSeeker is unable to battle!
>Swirl is unable to battle!
>The winner is WAIFU Trainer ThingPoneAnon!
>WAIFU Trainer CarnivalAnon pays out 666 Waifubucks
>WAIFU Trainer Fins pays out 420 Waifubucks
>WAIFU Trainer Fins: This is super unrealistic. You're all dumb.
>WAIFU Trainer CarnivalAnon: Where did you even come from?
>WAIFU Trainer ThingPoneAnon: ThingPone is best Waifu, u all a shit.

-------------------------------

>It's the year 20XX and the writefags for the strange waifu thread have been called to meeting.
>"Gentlemen, I'm glad we could gather together today."
Headless: "Yeah sure no problem."
Yarn: "I get a break from the waifus so that's a plus."
Fins: "Gathering is cool."
Lich: "Didn't we used to have a castle or something?"
Mum: "I don't get why we had to bring all the dead ones though. The corpses smell."
>"The castle is unimportant and we can feed the dead ones to some waifu later. What matters is that we are quickly approaching a terrible terrible fate."
Headless: "And that is?"
>"We're running out of strange waifus."
Yarn: "Bullshit."
Headless: "Yeah no I agree, how could we possibly be running out."
>"You may not believe me, but quite simply we are running out of strange things which we can make waifuable. It was inevitable, but it is happening faster than previously anticipated. And when strange waifus come to an end, the thread is close behind."
Fins: "But just last week we were discussing the new Ent Waifu!"
>"But that's not enough! If we go at expected rates all strange waifus will have been thought of or written about within a year!"
Mum: "Ok, lets suppose this is true, what can we do to help prevent it?"
>"That is why we've gathered today. We need to discuss and find out what we can do to stop this horrible fate."
Lich: "We could just repost the older waifus that haven't seen the light of a thread in a while."
>"It would slow the downfall, but not by enough."
Yarn: "Gas all, but a select few so that the thread can live on forever."
>"A good option, but I think that that plan is best saved as a last resort."
Headless: "Instead of reposts we could just bring new content to the stories that died without a proper ending."
>"Again, this will help, but not for long. We need something that will keep the thread afloat for centuries, not months!"
Fins: "We cast polymerization and start fusing waifus together to bring out new more powerful waifus!"
>"That- that could actually work."
Yarn: "Combine that with the reposts and continuations of old Waifus and we get even further."
Fins: "We could even start doing cross-overs as well."
Lich: "I thought the castle was supposed to be like a cross-over."
>"Excellent! I'll start doing the math on exactly how long this gives us, but it should be well beyond your lifespans!"
Mum: "Great, now can we can go now? I have to go devote some time to writing green, but not actually writing anything"
Lich: Same.
Headless: Ditto.
Fins: I'm gonna go play Waifu Simulator that game that we did eventually make and is absolutely amazing.
Yarn: And I'm gonna work on the dlc for that game which will be equally amazing.
>"Yes yes, you fags can all go and gay up the place somewhere else."
Lich: "What about the dead writefags?"
>"I dunno, you want 'em?"
Lich: "Ew no, I don't want dead bodies!"
>"Your name literally has Lich in it."
Lich: "And?"
>"... Nevermind, just leave. I'll feed them to one of the dragon waifus or something."
Lich: "K bye then."

>And so the future of all Strange Waifus was made safe.
>The End.

-------------------------------

 Anonymous  05/02/15(Sat)23:26:26 No.22896299▶
"Who in the fuck are you?"
"Good question jack ass, I was just about to ask you the same."
"Hey wait hold on for a second."
"Hold onto this dick."
"Don't you notice something weird?"
"Aside from another human and the absence of my undead servant?"
"The fuck are you talking about? No I meant something different."
"Hmm. Actually yeah something does seem off, but I can't quite put my finger on it."
"Neither of us are speaking in green!"
"Yo shit, then that means-"
"What's your name?"
"Dick meat."
"God dammit don't be a fag and just tell me."
"Fine, I'm Anonymous."
"I am too."
"Bullshit, I refuse to believe there were more than two people who were stupid enough to name their kid Anonymous."
"We don't even have parents until we need to tell some stupid backstory! And even then the likelihood of our parents actually getting names is pretty low."
"That's actually the stupidest thing I've heard since I learned Twiglit legitimately gets high off pixie sticks and you're actually retarded for saying it."
"Ok fine, then explain why neither of us are speaking in green!"
"I dunno, the > key broke? The last time I broke the fourth wall Deadpool ended up having a poker night with Pinkie, Yakko, and Bugs Bunny so I've been trying to keep talking about the color people speak on a down low."
"Ok fine, even ignoring the fact we're both speaking in normal type, which is how pretty much all Anons speak, I can still prove that we're different Anons from different stories!"
"Prove away, just don't tear any more holes in the universe. If I have to sit through another Bugs' disturbingly good cosplays of various woman I'll have to think long and HARD about my sexuality."
"Thanks for the mental image. Anyway, do you know what Twilight's greatest fear is?"
"As long as she didn't lie when I was lying to her about secret fears healing humans."
"Then on three we both say it, and then you'll have to accept I'm an Anon from a different universe because I know it."
"I'm not sure that actually proves jack shit, but the set up for letting me do that joke was good enough I'll say yes."
"Fine on three, Three, Two, One.
"Celestia finding her colle-"
"cation of exquisite, high qual-"
"-ity luxury dragon dildos."

"Believe me now?"
"Sure, why not. The idea of us being from separate universes and somehow getting pulled from them is just stupid enough it might sound like a good idea."
"Finally!"
"So what now?"
"Fuck if I know. We could wander around until we come across some poorly contrived plot device."
"Good enough for me, lets roll."
"..."
"I'm bored."
"Suck it up."
"Why don't you?"
"Cause I'm not a fag."
"You totally are you gaylord."
"Pfft, I'm literally swimming in pussy, get on my level."
"Do you have like a pool filled with cats?"
"Wha-? No I have shark ponies in my universe."
"That doesn't quite beat your previous record of stupid things that you've said, but you're really trying."
"At least I'm not some edgy meme-lord with a zombie servant."
"Shows what you know ass-wipe! Ariel's more like... well I guess she is kind of a zombie."
"Rekt."
"Shut up, you said that the retard way with the R and the K didn't you? Your shark ponies probably have some Lost City of Atlantis bullshit going on with them don't they?"
"I may have and maybe they do, maybe they don't."
"..."
"..."
"Hey you see that?"
"I'd have to be blinder than your dad not to."
"I don't get it."
"I'm implying your mom is ugly and the only reason your dad slept with her was because he's blind."
"Oh nice one."
"Thanks. Anyways it looks like-"
"Wait don't. If we describe it that means we have to interact with it and it'll probably be some big stupid part of whatever half-baked story we're in."
"My money is Nightshine Shimmer somehow drugged me while I was in the Friendhip Castle."
"Don't you mean the Friendship Castle™?"
"I meant what I said. I don't like saying the ™ all the time so I've just started removing random letters when thinking or talking about it."
"Clever."
"Thanks."
"So are we just gonna leave this thing then?"
"Sounds good to me, it looks stupid anyway."
"You've got a point. Describing it just sounds like it'll make this adventure sound like more of a weed dream than it already is."
"Alright, let's go."
"..."
"..."
"Why do you keep saying '...'?"
"To show that time has been passing, it generally makes thing go faster."
"I mean that works, but you could always just go,"
>Sometime later.
"Huh that did work."
"I know you should try it out sometime."
"So what now? Do we just keep walking, or?"
"Well the time passed up to this point so it suggests that something'll happen soon."
"I don't see anything. Actually wait, it' looks like there's a hut over there."
"Well since you narrated it out, it must be important. Also since you pointed it out you can go in first to check for traps and monsters."
"Really? This isn't some teenager's DnD campaign."
"Can you be certain about that? There are some pretty stupid teenagers out there."
"... Good point."
>Now at the house.
"That's a really useful skill to have."
"If you talk about it too much it goes away, try not to pay too much attention to it and just act like nothing happened."
"Aight. The windows are all closed so I can't see anything through those. Not it for opening the door."
"You can't call Not It when there's only two people!"
"Fuck you I did so open it up."
"Fine."
"What do you see?"
"The stupidest ending this drug fueled adventure could have possibly had."
"Well what is it?"
"There's a bunch of doors inside with labels on them. Two are open, one with Ariel on it and one with Tidal."
"What are the rest of them?"
"Fuck if I care to find out. There's one gathering dust in the corner called Little Lady."
"Sounds gayer than Flash Sentry stealing your husbando."
"Nice meme."
"Yo check out this door, it looks almost broken."
"Label says, 'All of Yarn's poorly thought out abandoned waifus.'
"Very specific name."
"Very stupid name."
"You're stupid."
"Rip quads."
"Huh?"
"Nothing. Anyway what now?"
"My guess is we go through our doors and get teleported back to our own universes."
"How do we know which door leads to which universe?"
"Tidal sounds the name someone came up for their squirtle when they wanted it to be water based, but not sound retarded. Spoilers, they failed the last part of that sentence."
"Fuck off it's a fine name."
"For a 10 year old's water pokemon."
"At least her name isn't stolen off a disney princess!"
"Really?"
"Wha- Yes! How do you not know this?"
"Which one?"
"OH my god. The Little Mermaid!"
"So you're saying Ariel's name is from The Little Mermaid?"
"Yes!"
"And because I technically own Ariel, and she's from some Disney film, I guess you could call her 'My Little Mermaid.'
"... If I had any suitably pointy object I'd cut you right now."
"Duly noted. With that information in mind I think I'll dip and head through my door."
"Later nerd."
"See ya dick guzzler."

-------------------------------

>You had to go.
>You can't make the walk to ponyville and the last time you tried shitting in the woods Fluttershy caught you and took away your chicken tendies.
>So there's really only one option.
>Just man up, grit your teeth, and get it over with.
>The door creaks as you open it.
>You vividly remember the last time you opened this door 5 months ago although you really wish you could forget it.
>"Oh, Anon Daaaahling, I knew you would come back to me~"
>Don't talk back, it just makes it worse.
>Just do your business and get this over with.
>"Oh my Anon, no foreplay hm? Just straight to business, I like it!"
>You ignore how wet the toilet seat is and do your best to ignore the periodic moans she emits.
>"Oh yes Anon, fill me up! You're so big!"
>You have to cram your fist into your mouth to stop from screaming.
>"Done already sweetie? It's ok though, it was absolutely wonderful for me."
>This is the worst part.
>" Oh yes Anon, FLUSH ME! FLUSH ME HARD!"
>You didn't bother wiping, last time you made that mistake she went on for weeks about what a dirty boy you were.
>"See you later Anon, sooner rather than later I hope~"
>You leave the cursed bathroom and go to your fridge.
>You pull out the emergency ice-cream and grab a spoon.
>Once you're finished with ice-cream you plan to get into your shower and cry in the corner for a few hours.
>"Oh Anon, would you mind coming back darling? I'm feeling rather frisky and want to go for a second round!"
>On second thought, the icecream can wait. Crying the in shower has now been bumped to top priority.

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