hey there

I'll use this to make an open letter to the osu! community. I intend on explaining everything, EVERYTHING about my situation in osu! that you might have heard of. You may want to take this as an attentionwhoring post, or just useless whining about how the staff sucks and I'm right and everyone else is wrong (looking at you, supreme trinity of osu!, Zal-Loc-pep).
Hello. I'm Ricardo, most known as Blue Dragon, and if you're reading this, you probably know who I am and what I've done for this community.
Since I joined osu!, I have faced several difficulties because of my temperamental attitude and issues with different people, but nothing that has come close to what happened in the past few weeks.
When I joined osu!, in 2008, I didn't expect it to become such a big part of my life. It was fun and everything, but it wasn't my goal to take part in the community. This happened in early 2009, when I started having interest in the mapping business. Slowly, I started having friends in the community, mostly from random guys in #osu and #mod, such as whymeman, Agnes, Alex0686, Loogiesquared, Larto, etc.
When I got my first map ranked, I confronted a bit of criticism about low quality, but I wasn't really too bothered by it, it was my first map, after all, and it was only constructive criticism which helped me improve. The community didn't have any dramas at all, and that was pretty nice.
After I got a few ranked maps and learned much more about mapping, in 2010, I mapped Banned Forever, which made me kinda famous in the mapping business. That was pretty damn awesome, I was finally becoming relevant in the community I struggled to become a part of! However, after a while, I submitted a beatmap, called Our Special Place. Due to my lack of mature attitude at the time, it caused a lot of trouble, since many people viewed the map as incoherent with the song or just plain bad/shitmapped. After getting it unranked, nuked, several arguments between me and staff, and getting it reranked with a 3.9 user rating, that was my first issue with osu! community. Of course, this was mostly because of my immatury at the age of 12, but still managed to cause a lot of hate towards me and my maps.
That situation kept going worse throughout the years - everytime I submitted a beatmap which, basically, had an Extra diff in the mapset, there would be community rage against it. Not because of the lack of quality, but because who mapped it had a picky, arrogant attitude. I don't think beatmapping is art, but I can paraphrase what I've heard in a game not so long ago: "People often judge the art because of the artist". Famous examples are Rainbow Tylenol, Big Black, Airman, etc. While I had a lot of fun making and getting these beatmaps ranked, there was a lot of community backlash against them - some people didn't like how mapping was becoming difficulty-focused because of me, other people just didn't like me at all (I know this really sounds like assuming, but there are names I could mention).
However, the biggest problem was in Big Black. The vocal userbase, mostly composed by #italian users, got tired of my sub-quality, mapped-for-difficulty beatmaps, and tried to do everything to get the map unranked due to its difficulty. After finding a problem in inconsistent BPM, the map got unranked (only to get it fixed and re-ranked in a few minutes).
Mapping started to become tiring. It feels like I have to please the community in everything I do, and I can't really do what I actually want (map for fun, things that I like, that won't actually be used against me). The fame caused from these beatmaps started to get back to me in the form of, everytime I tried to expose an opinion, there would be massive rage against me, just because I made controversial beatmaps. This is how I understand mappers such as HW feel like today.
When I became a MAT, in early 2012, there was a lot of suspicion around me, from the staff. Why the fuck are we even trying to get a 13-year old kid, who keeps making subpar-quality maps and arguing with several people, in the staff of a game which is played by thousands of people? The staff was really divided in adding me. In fact, I only got there because I was friends with an influent BAT who said I'd do my job right.
2012 was a hard year for me. Personally, but mostly in osu!. I became MAT, Chat OP and BAT in such a small amount of time, even though the staff didn't like me. I couldn't really understand that, but as a teenage kid, I was pretty happy to have power. Yeah, let's do this! I modded for a few months, then I decided it wasn't worth it to work so hard for a community which didn't give me anything back. I may sound extremely selfish saying that, but it's like giving a gift to someone who doesn't give a shit about you. I resigned from BAT, and after some issues with my girlfriend at the time (she thought osu! wasn't worthy of my time at all, just a waste of time I kept crying about), I decided to resign from Alumni as well. While the part of the staff which didn't like me was pretty cool to see that, I managed to break the trust with the part of the staff which saw potential in me.. and I just threw them away. But it was either my girlfriend and osu!, and seriously, I don't think any sane person would choose a game instead of a very important person.
I got back in 2013. But the same thing happened. People didn't want me there, I didn't feel motivated to work on something that wasn't giving anything good for me (except kudosu, basically)... so I gave up again. I guess I'll stay as Alumni, that seems cool for me. No one really expects anything from me, I can just make maps and chat in #portuguese without any second intentions.
I also hanged out in #lounge, talking to moderators and people which I really liked. That's when I started seeing, much more frequently, two people which I really didn't to do that: Loctav and Zallius. While I don't really care about their personality or anything, the fact that they treated everyone in the community as inferior beings annoyed me. A lot. But I kept quiet. For some time.
I think it was still 2013 when I talked to Ephemeral about some stuff. While I was out of the Alumni, I quit osu! and used a chinese multiaccount to watch over the forums and talk to some people. I even submitted a map there. I apologized for everything I did wrong for the community, and for every mistake I kept doing. I kept breaking their trust with my constant fights with several people in the community.. It just wasn't working well.
But I wanted to get back to BAT. I was really motivated this time, and Ephemeral agreed that he would help me with that, and that the multiaccounting wasn't an actual issue and was already over. I had a lot of friends and there were many people which respected me, so I could do my job and not worry about "not being worth it".
That's what I did for some time, but the issues with Zallius and Loctav started getting much worse. In #lounge, I kept arguing with them, because they kept pressuring people into not doing things they should do, and doing things they shouldn't. I wanted to go against them, but I knew that wasn't worth it. As a stubborn kid, I did it anyway. That's when I said Zallius was just peppy's friend which got a bit of power and thought he was useful.

The next day, I got expelled from BAT for "multiaccounting 2 years ago".

Of course, I was fucking outraged by it. Ephemeral had betrayed me and I wouldn't forgive him for that. Loctav and Zallius wanted me out as well, so there wasn't much I could do. I created a big rant on my ask.fm, just to be called out by peppy, saying that I should "at least tell the truth if I'm going to cause a drama". When confronting him back, he said he didn't exactly know what happened but I didn't seem to be saying the truth, and if I wanted to do so, he would collaborate with me into getting me back into BAT. That seemed fine to me. I contacted him several times, got ignored, just to get, after a month, an answer with "i don't know, dont ask me, talk to loctav". By asking Loctav, I basically got a punch in the face, with several insults such as "you never deserved your position for anything you did in the community" and "you're lucky you didn't get banned after all your issues with you and your girlfriend".

Uh... okay.
I started losing interest for osu!. For real. I was just there for a few people in #portuguese.. that's when the chat became too bad. Tons of spam, a lot of shitposting, witchhunting and everything. I tried talking to Loctav about it, suggesting a few people who would do the work, but he refused to. We had no active moderators at the time, except for spanish people who would keep silencing us for words that they didn't even understand what it meant and causing even more trouble than how it was before.
I asked Loctav for a last chance. Even though I knew he hated me, I was pretty much the only hope for #portuguese and would do what I could to protect it. And I never, never failed to do my job. I assure you.
Then someone I really liked started doing bad shit on osu!, such as shittalking me and multiaccounting. I got tired of it, and even though we were really good friends and they were really influential in #portuguese, I reported them and got them banned.
#portuguese quite didn't like that.. and people who previously were my friends started to.. not be such friends.
It was pretty much in this situation for a while, but I started getting a bit in trouble with some people in #portuguese who kept rebelling against me because "my moderation was a ditacture". People who were my friends sided with them, and even though I lowered the harshness level of my moderation, they kept pressuring me.
Meanwhile, in the global community, I kept having trouble with people. I had a lot of strong unpopular opinions, and kept voicing them, which isn't exactly a good thing, but I still wanted the right to protect my opinion. That caused a big wave of hatred towards me by the vocal minority (looking at you, r/osugame), mostly because "I insulted so many maps even though I made shitmaps in the past, so I'm stupid!!".
It's okay. I was fucking pissed off, but I could live with that. But these complaints started reaching out to Loctav, who quite didn't agree with that and said that I was wasting my "last chance" that I asked for.
Then the same person which I got banned.. came back to osu!, in another multiaccount. Since I was still friends with them.. I decided to let it pass. I don't think if that was a mistake from me, but ok. The rest of #portuguese also knew who they were, and never reported them. It seemed peaceful, until the person came back to shittalking me and making #portuguese side against me in every decision I took. After a huge fight with that person, I just reported them and got them banned again.
And oh dear, THAT was not a good decision. #portuguese people, which said they were my friends, finally decided to do something to get me off the moderation. How could I only get them banned after a *personal* fight outside of osu!? After that, they started "secretly" getting every piece of proof against me they could, from every questionable silence, every argument I had in #portuguese, everything that could just push Loctav to get me demoted. People who I thought that were my friends helped this in every way so I could finally get off my high horse and go away from the game for good. I read a lot of logs which were sent to the other #portuguese moderator. People which I really liked and thought that liked me, reporting me, insulting me, saying that I was a crazy power-hungry kid.. That was really sad for me. But they couldn't force Loctav to do that. I thought he wouldn't fall for that.

But today, June 3rd, he did.

And I seriously lost all hope in this game.

I'm sorry if this comes out as some kind of joke. I know I wasted so many chances.. but seriously?!
Do I deserve that kind of treatment from a community I worked so hard for SEVEN years? I had a lot of trouble with many people, but it is COMPLETELY UNDENIABLE that I have put a lot of effort on many things here.
You can hate me all you want, but you can't justify that.. you seriously can't.
I am simply tired of this community. I want to go away.
I tried to get some hacks, but I thought it wasn't worth it to delete everything I did (including the rest of my reputation). I tried to multiaccount to get my account restricted, but the game wouldn't let me.
I gave my account to a friend which locked it in some way. He said that I can get it back whenever I want, but I seriously doubt I want to come back to a community which doesn't think I'm worthy enough to be part of it.
By the way: Apparently, getting me out of moderation was just to get the other person (which I got them banned) back to the community without any backlash.. apparently, they are more worthy to be in the community than me.

I am a strong-minded person. I do tend to give my unpopular opinion a lot and cry a lot about it. I am very salty about a lot of things and I don't tend to take criticism nicely. I keep changing my point of view about everything, confusing people and breaking their trust all the time. I'm not blaming anyone else other than me for that.

But if so many people want me out of here, it has to be some fucking reason. And I don't think I'm going to search for it any longer, because I'm too tired of this.

I know this might be attentionwhoring, drama-calling, etc.. I went against everyone in this community, I argued so much with everyone even though I wasn't always right.. and now I'm saying it's their fault for wanting me out? Yeah, I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm just.. sorry for everything.
I'm pissed off at how badly people treated me, but at the same time, I'm extremely sad for everything that I've done wrong.

I hope I stay better somewhere else.

Good luck, osu!, these seven years were long and I had many experiences with you. But I don't think I can do anything more for this community.

See you guys.